The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Juddabudda,

Hi, how are you?
Well.....I cannot take credit for that word, "pickle juice," that belongs to Sandwich. It's great! I certainly remember mother, her sister, (the battle ax),
reason I came here over 2 yrs., ago. Current day, my sisters in the pickle jar, too!
HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Veronica,

I'm referring to an intimate relationship, say a sister, relative or a friend and in some instances they just don't have first of all the listening skills, and would prefer to hand out rude, judgmental or insensitive advice. Sandwich after all is the one caregiving in her own circumstance. Her journey, sure may be similar to other's here.....it is never the less her own particular journey. So just happy to be a listener, and support her in the best way possible.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Buggamom,

Welcome.
Listen......going to tell you a story.
So a little over 2 yrs., ago I went for a visit to mother's. Mom has ALZ, and at that time was very over medicated, so wasn't tuning in at all. Then there was her older sister who had lot's of health problems, plus she was the narcissist, calling all the shots. They lived together, til my aunt died. My sister moved in to administer their care.

So on a visit, my aunt wanted to go to a restaurant to eat. So here I packed up these two elderly ladies into my car, which was a big project just doing that.
My aunt wasn't in control of her mobility as her feet were bad from Diabetes.
Then I have mother in a total stupor from the meds. So we arrive at this restaurant. I made the mistake of getting aunt out of the car first. She being the very aggressive type.....started to make way towards the restaurant, whilst I was still struggling to unbelt mom's seat belt, and then get her walker out of the trunk.
So now the two of them are w/their walkers. Well.....as I'm getting my purse, and locking the car.....these two old ladies literally tear out with their walkers, of course my aunt was leading the way. I had to yell, "Wait." I was so angry at my aunt......because mom just followed her lead. My aunt still had way more reasoning skills, or at least I thought she did. So now we're in the restaurant,
and my aunt is going to try to start some bizarre conversations w/me.
Later, when I had to repeat the parking lot situation, getting them back in the car,
I instructed my aunt to wait there w/mom, as I pulled the car close by the door of the business. As I brought the car around, I now saw my aunt, dart out w/walker in front of a moving car. Needless to say......that was the last time I took both of them to a restaurant.

I say there just comes a time when caregivers, although some think, they want to entertain the elderly.......they just become toooooo impossible given their behaviors to handle in public and social situations anymore. My sister kept taking them, but of course she did it w/the boyfriend. She told me of countless times they took both of them on long rides, then dinner. I know she went the extra mile, for our mom and all of that. But our aunt was extremely abusive, and didn't hold back in public; finally sis grew weary of this. One day, I asked my sister point blank. If our aunt behaves this way, why do you feel such a duty to entertain her?
She finally stopped these outings.

The only outings mother can handle, and I even wonder about those are when my sister takes her to brothers for a visit. But as of last two weeks, I doubt mom will leave the house. anymore. At least in mother's case, there are no aggressive behaviors, though.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you a window about taking an aggressive elder out in public. Might I suggest, that you make her something she hopefully likes at home?

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I had 3 questions over this holiday week end I wanted to ask on this site today! When I ckcd my email, someone had already ASKED THOSE 3 QUESTIONS! Imagine my excitement and joy! Aside from having inlaws with their own health issues & mother inlaw w/ dementia starting, my parents are failing fast (dementia & seriously ill) & my husb & I have a child with Down Syndrome. Some days I could just stand in the driveway & scream!!! My brother has no intention of helping other than sitting & talking. I agree this is a good thing, but to keep them in their home is going to require a lot more than talking. As with others mentioned above, I'm the obnoxious, bossy one, who insists on tackling difficult topics w/ ppl who have lived their entire lives with their heads in the sand. As with IadeeM, I have been true to myself & my own little family. I will do what I can, when I can, & WALK AWAY. This decision has been so incredibly liberating, I'm the happiest I have been in years. Yes, it's a train wreck, but as our attorney said, "You have to watch it happen, then help pick up the pieces, within your ability." There ya have it.

Bugga,

You have children, and Autism as far as what I know must take extra care, and I would hope not exposing them to chaos. I really feel for you in this situation. Could you get in touch with any kind of social services? Your mom is a senior, however from what you are describing her own contributory negligence should not be something that you allow in your household, with children.
There has got to be another way to approach your situation. Your kids should have priority here, not your mom.

She may have trials and tribulations, but what about you? You have them too!
Don't allow her to suck your energy, because you need it for other important matters. Believe me.....I really feel for you. I encourage you to seek out some avenues for your self, because if you don't put a stop to this situation right now, it can only become worse for you and your family.

My very best,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi, I'm doing ok, just a little rattled. An angry. I wish I could walk away right now from my mother and brother, and compared to many, my situation really isn't that bad.
My brother and I haven't been close since we were probably 4-5 years old. He probably has Asperger's but was never diagnosed (this was in the late 60's, 70's). He's always had social difficulties, then as an adolescent he became angry, violent, and an alcoholic/druggie. He spent time in jail, etc. He's been sober/employed/functional now for probably at least 2 decades, which is great, and I'm proud of him for it. However, combine all his craziness with our parents' dysfunction and volatility growing up, and we do not have more than a cordial email relationship -- which, other than having no contact, is exactly how I want it to be.
Sorry I'm running long here -- I got an email from his wife yesterday saying that they were breaking up. It was upsetting, but as the day went on, I managed to get my emotional distance. I did email her back saying I was sorry, but take care, yadda yadda. This morning, I got an email from my brother saying all was well, they were just under stress, sorry for the drama. I emailed back saying 'no worries, take care.' Anyway, I get VERY panicky feeling the threat of being sucked in to greater involvement/contact.
Also, I sent my mother's neighbor an Easter card last week. She's the only person in my mother's life who is patient and tolerant enough to keep an eye on her, and I really do appreciate what she does. She called me this morning 1) to thank me; and 2) to nag me to visit, particularly to stay overnight. When I could finally get a word in, I explained that I've spoken to my mother within the past week, who has it in her calendar that I'll be spending the entire day with her in a few weeks.
This neighbor doesn't realize. No one EVER realizes, unless they've lived exactly what we've lived. I've put my foot down on doing overnights -- I've always hated them, and now, it's TOO MUCH for me. I can't stand to be around my mother that long, plus my schedule will not allow for it (I'm 3 hours away, work long hours, I have a dog that I can't bring with me, I have a spouse really don't see except for weekends, I do NOT have a maid, etc).
The neighbor told me that she's taking my mother to the dentist today to get a tooth pulled. I thanked her very much for doing that, and said my mother didn't mention it to me. The neighbor said "she doesn't want to bother you." That is NOT why, but I didn't get into it. My mother wants to be catered to, but not if it means she might appear frail to the person who wants her to go to AL! Plus, my mother is painting me as the 'mean daughter' to her neighbor. Believe me, they may have dementia, but they will continue to be as manipulative as they can. I'm irritated that I have to subject myself to nagging and guilt trips by this otherwise very helpful person. I thank her, and thank her, and calmly explain my plans for what a lovely time I'm going to have with my mother, how I'm taking a vacation day to do this, so hoping makes up for the lack of an overnight visit, blah blah blah....
Thank YOU all for letting me vent! :) Hope you're all doing ok today!

I will say more soon, just feeling so worn and emotional at the moment... My mother is a Narcissist and very twisted... but old age has made things worse... Her being nice is as rare as hens teeth... I dread all contact and has had a bad impact in most areas of my life.. I'm alone in all this, 3 half brother won't even see her, and my husband has to be talked into going to see her!... Desparate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leiqhk welcome you have joined a great group-your aunts may think they are helping but it was wrong to go ahead and ask the hospice nurse to talk to you without asking I think hospice should get involved with a family member but know it is not my place to make that decision what I did was to suggest a visiting nurse who I know would have brought the subject up not only for him but for his wife-my brother is dead set against a visiting nurse because the one time one was involved he was admitted to the hospital which needed to be done but now he does not trust visiting nurses so I have to let it go at this point-you might want to ask your Dad how he feels about hospice-many people are scared because they think that is the end which is not true now-they do get involved earlier than they use to do. You will know whether your father should be approached about hospice.

Hi to all new posters! Every single post has the ring of truth, to me anyway, and somewhat of a common theme - that it IS very difficult for others to know what/why those of us who are children of dysfunctional elderly parents (or maybe its the aunt, sister, brother, etc. who interacts in dysfunctional way) have to utilize certain coping mechanisms, to protect ourselves. I've only really fully embraced this idea (that there must be detachment, etc. - some means of self-protection and coping) in past year and this thread has everything to do with that.

Looloo, I couldn't agree more that your mother's neighbor isn't getting the full picture, and I understand that your mother will use you as the "bad guy" to gain sympathy from the neighbor. It stinks that so many of us, who are otherwise really kind and decent people, get labeled and gossiped about in this way by our DYS family. I get so sick of hearing the latest about who I am and what I've done (always exaggerated and taken out of context to suit the gossiper's angle) from the gossip-grapevine. Its hurtful, and even more so in my case because I'm the only one who really stepped up to help the vulnerable elders that needed it and its cost me dearly on a personal level… I almost want to say that after nearly 3 years, I think I see a shift as my relatives begin to understand the level of personal sacrifice and dedication I've given to the situation, and the high cost I've paid… but these days I'm not counting on their approval or cooperative, kind behavior, ever. Even if I were given it in one particular circumstance, they would surely be the negative naysayers in the next occasion. Detachment works for me. Its not something I think I'll ever do perfectly, but I'm grateful its there and that I'm learning to use it.

Leigh, they do indeed seem to turn things into control issues, whether its on purpose or not. Looking back, this is only reason I can think of for many of the ugly incidences I've endured to have ever happened to begin with.

In my case, I did try to involve other family, to the point that I probably went overboard with broadcast-emailing every extended family member about happenings with my dad & grandma, asking for input... and what is ironic is that relatives wouldn't even read the emails but instead would just assume that I was/wasn't doing this/that or the other… there is no winning with DYS family, is what I'm trying to get at. But you guys already know that. ;-)

Have to go make lunch, its way past time and I'm starving… but hopefully not rambling… too bad… (((((hugs)))))

Sharynmarie,

This a slippery slope of sorts. I do understand better by what you have written, too.
Since your niece does not drive....then her parents decided to help giving them a vehicle, really the only one who can use it is the husband. Although it appears they've made this donation/ and unfortunately he decides to drive off to tend to his dad, definnitely also sounds as if there is some dysfunction going on between husband and wife. That's a bummer too.....I can understand in laws like your brother and wife not being good w/his lack of support in light of the fact they are coming forward to help them financially and w/the vehicle. I'm curious.....was your niece a stay at home mother and unemployed? What's the deal w/the husband?
I've heard about situations where one spouse w/not be supportive, as my mom did this behavior all her life. She had an extremely co-dependent relationship w/her narcissistic sister. Because of this closeness to her, our relationship, and dad's suffered, since mom was spending so much of her off time from work w/the battle ax. When our dad at 80, had to go get his protate checked, mom had a trip planned w/the sister to Texas. My sister and me thought naively that mom would want to stick around, even accompany dad to this, because the situation was such that he may need surgery. Well......mom didn't cancel her plans, and called my sister to ask her to go w/dad, and my sister did. We were soooo annoyed by this, especially that this was typical behavior by our mother. It's bad enough when key people don't lend support, or are just not there for a loved one. But certainly, turning their backs on us.....when someone needs us the most!

Oh, and I just wanted to say, that I never mind reading about your daughter's progress with her pregnancy. I did write about my sister relative to her grandmother participation. But my issue w/her is that she does it to show everyone, what a wonderful, dedicated grandma she has become. If she talks at all about the grandkids,it's always w/the message that she's guarded about her relationship w/them, because she doesn't want anyone else to get too close to those kids. In other words it's very possessive. Her negative feelings attached to it, are what I get tired of hearing. She becomes a charicature of herself, and when I watch her, it smells of desperation, that she's not going to have her place in the universe like a grandparent. Last time I had to witness this, I felt embarrassed for her, quite frankly.

About your job....WOW! You'd think that if manger's are going to mention your name, they'd be way more tactful so as not to mention you, while you're there.
I sure hope that that rude manager, who seems to think he knows it all, w/come to his/her senses.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

Where are you? How was your Easter?
I hope things went calmly for you.

Don't keep us in suspense, HAAH!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison,

You hit the nail on the head! Yes......coping skills are so important. Many of us don't come from that camp, unfortunately. I'm sure this is why often times other people who haven't lived this way, don't understand this part. We have to deconstruct the dysfunction by learning some coping skills.

The boundaries, the detachment, lowering our expectations, all of that
Oh yes, let's not forget what Emjo always says, "take care of you."

We're a work in progress,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Looloo,
Welcome. I truly relate to your post, because I have almost the exact situation.
I don't live w/mom, my sister does. I live quite a distance in a metropolitan city,
so there's lots of traffic. If and when I have gone to do relief caregiving........it really takes for me to make quite a plan about what I can do the day before, then what time I'm to embark on the drive there, considering traffic. I've done the overnighters, and although mom nowadays w/ALZ, is quite low maintenance, she still gets up more than 2'ce throughout the night to walk to the bathroom, w/assistance. So that means if I do the overnighter, I don't sleep. I'm not a spring chicken, so in this condition I dread a long drive back to my place like I'm punch drunk, if you know what I mean.

I too, have obviously been painted to the hired cg's, as the neglectful daughter who doesn't come much to help out. Meanwhile we have 2 brothers that never have done any of this, now will my sister call upon them to do it, either. O.K., so that's the way it is. I however don't like the fact that there's been enough character assasination about me to the caregivers. Add to this, at least two of them are religious. I spent 3 days last two weeks going there, because mom was in the hospital, then was released. On the third visit, if you can imagine......my sis had a reception for a baptism of her grand daughter in mother's home. I thought this was a festivity that could have been held elsewhere, not mother's turf. But my sister thinks nothing about entitlement, as to how she and her daughter's have used mom's home, while living there. Mom stayed in her bedroom, w/hired CG. This CG, told me 2'ce how I should come and be w/mom as much as possible blah di blah. I responded to her, that I'd been there a couple of times the last several days. How could she know that, she wasn't there!
Not like she needs to know this either, it's none of her business. Although it did irritate me......I just smiled and added I'd done an over nighter. these. I do like her also, because she is very sweet and gentle w/mom.
But another CG, (who's no longer there), oh that one, used to get overbearing w/this. So just before she was let go.....she started to try the guilt trip. My response to her was, "Well, think about it.....if I'm here, then you won't have a job." O.K., maybe this was over the top, I admit it.....but she really ticked me off by then.

Yes, other people somehow feel entitled to make remarks to us, w/o knowing the full truth. Just take a deep breath if she tries this again, since you've said she does help out.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Looloo,

I completely forgot to comment about your brother.
My brother was married to his wife for about 30 yrs., well truth be told, he still is.
He too, and his wife have been beer drinkers for a long time. They've always been functioning drinkers, in that they both work. But I know the alcohol probably exacerbated some existing problems, since it usually does. So in essence the alcohol has always been in the background. Two years ago, my brother threw the wife out of the home. Well, she didn't return, which I can't say I blame her. She rented her own place a couple mos., later and they both have continued life like this.

I'm not close to him either. He's all about himself, and cause too many power conflicts in the family, since he was raised a the golden boy, by our parents.
He also lives quite far, so never had much contact other than holidays in the past at our folks home. But when this occurred, my controller sister, became so involved in his marital problems. One would have thought by the way she was reacting to his problems, that SHE was his wife, it was so sick. I did feel bad for them, but you could say this was in a very topical and general way. When I sensed my sister wanted for me to become more involved, I had to remind her, that no way, these are his and his wife's problems, and I had no business in those matters. It's two years later, my bro hasn't had the courage to sit down w/the wife to talk about anything. They're in marriage limbo right now. My sister will make a ton of excuses, even tried to point out that our SIL, is an alcoholic. Well, I had to point out to my sister, that our brother was too. A bunch of denial going on here.
But I've decided, that under no uncertain terms am I going to become involved in any of this. Besides, again, I'm not even close to him. He's a big boy, so he needs to figure out his own problems.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~In regards to your post to Alison about coping skills, yes that is so true and I know I still lack in that area.

Regarding my niece, her story is that she is the youngest of my sil's 4 children and the only girl. She did very well in school academically. She wanted to go in the air force after graduation but they told her she needed to lose about 40lb. before they would accept her. She never lost the weight, got a job at McDonalds and met her future husband who she became pregnant with and the got married. She never worked after the marriage, and would not learn to drive. My sil enabled her to continue to be needy. In the mean time her husband was raised in a family from another country with old school values such as women do certain chores and the men, at least in the case of this family, do not work. My nieces husband did work for his father who started a lawn service business, but when his wife became ill and passed away 2 years ago, he shut the business down which put my nieces husband out of work. He has been claiming back issues since...he has learned from his father that men don't work.

There are dysfunctional issues on both sides and my sil enabling from her end. I totally understand having back issues or knee issues, but this man is only in his early thirties...he is working the system and due to his cultural upbringing, men have the power and my niece has not been motivated to stand her ground. Now because my niece's fil has health issues and is a widower, he refuses to cook for himself and my niece has been cooking meals for him while going through chemo and radiation treatments. Because my brother and sil decided to keep finances separate regarding their children, it is causing stress for my brother as he sees what his wife is going through....her stress at losing another child to cancer and with them both retired and my brother having his health issues. They are both on antidepressants but sil has not gotten into therapy yet.

Even though I see my brother hurting so much through all this and I know my sil is hurting as well, I am not too involved but it still hurts because I know my brother and sil are so loving and I see the stress it is causing them.

Thank you Margeaux for letting me explain this in more detail.
Hugs and Love to you
Sharyn

Thank you. Gosh, it seems like such a luxury for someone to ask me, how are you?

Progress: Mom seems over the uti thing, even though she doesn't seem "herself" again. She is tired and puffy faced and you can hear her breathing with difficulty. She complains of sinus congestions, sore joints and walks less and less. I really feel sorry for her but she refuses to try anything different. My friend John is a MD and ND and talked to her but she refuses to try any supplements.

I wish I had some money to buy a juicer and make her smoothies, but I don't have any. I have suggested that too but she is so stubborn and has no desire to learn anything new.

She is in decent spirits though because since I put an ad on craigslist in our area asking for drivers for an elderly mother, I got a list of 6 people now that she can call. She called ALL of them, excited about meeting these new people, and having some control over them! With her charming (a bit phoney, but how do they know?)
she gets to have new adventures until they or she decide to push away and she tries another. Kind of like a food buffet!

As long as she has a new face or a recently acquired driver or friend she acts like she is being rescued. The pattern is on the pedestal, off the pedestal. Meanwhile, I have time to get my work and life back! Thanks to craigslist. Just be sure to talk and screen them before the deal is on. So far people are agreeing to only getting $15 for 2 hours which includes gas! But that is far more than she ever paid me.

I brought her to the park today and we had a nice time for an hour or so. I am going to be away for 4 days this week, and so far, mom's reactions are easier than ever to handle. If there were no visitors or drivers she'd be having nasty temper tantrums by now, like she has done in the past 4 years.

We also found personal home companions, to do her bidding for 3 hours a week.
Mom turns 93 in June!

I guess there is no way other people can figure out what goes on in someone's head.
We can only see and hear what they choose to divulge. We may or may not have been through a similar situation but only the people currently in the trenches know how they feel and what skills they have to cope. Others can offer suggestions and share experiences but they have not been in another person's shoes or had their childhood traumas. A good therapist can be extremely helpful because they have the education and are taught the likely behavior of certain people with different diseases. However thay can not cure anyone. The individual has to want it and be prepared to do the work to achieve the goals. There also has to be a right time to be able to tackle issues. Most women can not and do not walk out of abusive relationships. My mother in law was in an abusive marriage and stayed for 62 years. The boys were also physically and mentally abused and hubby's therapist expressed horror she remained when she could have gone home to her parents.
The truth was that her parents would have sent her right back to her husband because divorce was not an option in those days.
We may think we know what people here should be doing and offer suitable advice but the questioner continues with the same old ways causing frustrations and some times anger on both sides. There is a panic and paralysis in many situations and this is made worse when the caregiver really cares about their loved one and fears for the consequences. Then there is the money but I won't go there.

Margeaux.
you seem to have come to a place where you know exactly what you personally are capable of doing. It is clearly quite wrong for any caregiver religious or not to critisise a family member however sweet they are to the patient. By your own admission your mom is low maintainance so the caregivers job is fairly easy. You on the other hand are older and can not cope with nights of interruped sleep so much that it affects your driving when you return home which of course is worrying especially in heavy traffic. Could Mom manage with a comode in her room at night so she does not need to make the expedition to the Br when you are there?

Sharynne,
We all have things we can improve on and learn but I think your coping skills are already pretty advanced. You are very thoughtful and put much effort into seeing the other person's point of view. Of course there are always new skills to learn but it is important to decide which ones will help us the most and when it is the right time to put them into action. Make no mistake you are doing a good job.

Hi!
Thank you Margeaux & Sharynmarie for your words of encouragement.
I do have a daughter, Bugga, with Autism & ADD. We have a nice Social Worker who comes, and soon OT is coming back. The Psy. is new. Autistic children are known to mimic behaviors, I keep Bugga at a distance. My mom leads people to believe she is a BIG part of Bug's growth and education, but she isn't.

I don't know what my mom is. She acts like being sick is a competition. I know she has crones disease, she has congested heart w/ a pace maker, high blood pressure, and arthritis w/ nerve damage. These things she never complains about nor does she try to help. She gets around good, but lost her right to drive because of DUIs. She has been in & out of jail a few times for tantrums in public & DUIs. She over turned some chairs in a place & threw a sub a counter girl. That is mild compared to an electric knife to my bro's neck, accelerating the car toward oncoming trains. Stuff like that. She nags, gets comatose and ends up in ICU. I wish she would see a Psy. and get a diagnosis, have some quality of life before she dies.
It sounds like my mom can get around better than other patients here. She is more independent. She could even go with Happy Travelers at the Senior Center, it would do her some good.

My choice today is to be happy! I have "way" too many cats & a boxer who worry if I get down. Gotta love the pets! The sun was shining all today! I was so happy to hear from my oldest boy, he is in the Air Force. My next oldest boy started his new dept. position at work today, good dinner conversation! Bugga & I sang "True Colors" this a.m. making beds - she was happy. Then she read 4 whole chapters of "Old Yeller", plus other classes! Today was a great day!

Thank you ladies, it feels good to lift some weight off.

Veroncia~Thank you and hugs to you!! I am not at the same recovery level as Margeaux and Emjo, and I always appreciate their feed back. You have much to give us as well and I certainly appreciate what you post. I get more advanced info that way and it helps to mature more, rather than someone who does not have the patients to see us through to the end because they have already advanced beyond where I am at. This is why I stay on this thread more than any other thread. I have a lot to learn/grow but at the same time I have a lot to offer to those who are at the beginning of recovery. Thank you again for understanding, it means a lot to me. Hugs to you!!

Hi Veronica,
Thank you for a warm welcome. I love hugs! :-)
Yes, I am a single mom. My daughter's dad passed on awhile back. My boys are grown ups now, their sister's heroes. They agree with you that I won't end up like my mom, they say I am too much of a self evaluator. I never thought of me that way before. I've never thought of me much at all come to think of it. I am happiest working with Bug and you are right she is my priority as are my sons. Right now my struggle is keeping mom at arms length so Bug can get through the last of her school year.
Thank you for inviting me to return. I want to learn more about boundaries, how to put them in place, and keep them functioning. Setting boundaries for your children is easier than setting boundaries for your parents.
I hope you have a good night and a sunny day tomorrow!
Bugga's mom

Bugga once you learn to set boundaries it gets easier to set them with others and you will feel like you are taking your power back and at times it will be hard but as long as you continue to try it will work-the sky will not fall and you will get stronger as time goes on.

Hubby just wasn't wanting to take care of the backyard so instead of nagging him, I told him I would weed eat it as long as there is enough thread to do it as I get on a mission and don't like having to stop half way through it. He assured me there was enough...a 1/3rd way through i ran out, LOL!!! he went out for more then I ran out of space in the yard waste can. Gonna call the city tomorrow to see if we can have 2 cans since they only pick up yard waste every other week. I want my yard and garden back in shape.

So much going on here in DYS thread lately… seems that way to me, anyway.

Sharyn, I do think you sell yourself a bit short with thinking that you don't have coping skills/detachment skills. You've had a lot of new emotional triggers come up in past few months. Anytime I'm going through the new load of crap life is dumping on me and around me, I loose all my confidence in dealing with it and pretty much hide away for a bit… which is why you won't see me on AC for a few weeks or months! You at least manage to keep talking and sharing about what is triggering you… I think that's a very healthy way to deal with things. I do really sympathize with niece's situation and extended situation of brother, sil, and the rest. Its tough because it seems like a "situation" thats been going askew for a long time before niece became ill. With her illness, now its just a heavy weight on an already not healthy dynamic. Does it sound like I understand the situation? That's what I've interpreted from your posts about it. And I also feel a bit sad that this tragedy is overshadowing your daughter's pregnancy… but its not like poor niece could choose otherwise. I hope and pray for good outcome for your family. Perhaps niece's illness will be catalyst for some big changes that have long been needed in bro's family. And of course, I think it stinks that you seem to work with a bunch of drama-loving and creating goofballs. Hugs and love to you Sharyn. I take you for granted on this thread sometimes because you do come across as managing very well. And I forget that you don't necessarily feel that way inside! You've mentioned it before that you feel you're not as far on your journey of detachment/managing/coping as you think you should be, but I have to agree with Veronica that you seem to be doing a great job given circumstances.

Bugga, your description about your daughter and you singing "True Colors" together while making beds made me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I haven't a clue what challenges you face every single day with all that you have going on, but you're such a champion for finding the beauty and love in the midst of all of it. You might be my new heroine. :-)

Judda, one thing that popped into my mind when you said you wanted to buy a juicer but didn't have the money… juicers have got to be one of the most underutilized kitchen appliances. People buy them with grand intentions and the thing sits in the cabinet for years after its used once or twice. I would guess that your local craigslist may have them pop up for sale now and again, and at really discounted prices? This may not be true, but as a juicer myself and having many friends that juice - on the rare occasion, lol - just seems like the ideal device that people would get sick of not using and decide to sell secondhand.

Until next time. (((((hugs)))))

Sharyn, what about those big brown paper yard waste bags they sell in cheap bundles at hardware stores? I use those when I run out of room in the yard waste can. Please come help with my yard when you're done… its in such bad shape and I need to start in on it just as soon as I'm able to. I don't particularly like doing yard work, but have to admit its super therapeutic when I will actually do it. Hugs.

Alison~You hit a cord with me regarding my self esteem. I lack in that area because I was told I was useless and irresponsible.

I love gardening. I landscaped our backyard around 2001 with a bonus I received from my employer. Hubby hates yard word but will mow the grass for me. When things started heating up with my mom 3 years ago, I had to forego the yard and my photography.Back to my self esteem issues, I worked very hard in college to get an AA degree in plant science (which is more of an agricultural degree), but can be easily transferred to ornamental horticultural or anything with gardening. It is only an AA degree which really does not go far in the business world today but I worked hard to graduate with honors. Yes, I love gardening, and I would love to help you if I lived I close enough to do hands on as I love designing gardens.

Thank you for your post and understanding my self esteem issues as I am not sure that others have caught that as you have. Hugs to you!!

Margeaux,
Here I am! Sorry, should have posted. It was ok. I went to see one daughter on Saturday and her two darling girls. This daughter has a master's in counseling and understands very well what is happening here. She did not want to go to Easter at narcissist sister's house, so they made other plans. Saw other daughter and her two kiddos and of course her husband, and son and his wife for a bit on Sunday before they all went off to sisters house. Was a bit sad about that, but we had a very nice visit. Stayed home, fixed ham for dinner (won't even try to compete with Jeanne,s menus) had a friend join us.

SW sent an email to me and have sis spelling out how we need to treat each other and what we have both done to hurt the other. It was a good message to sis, if she decides to pay any attention to it. I realized tonight while I responded to that email that she and I have problems because I am the only person in her life that calls her out on some of her behaviors and then try to hold her accountable. But we all know those narcissists are never wrong :-O.

One thing that she had been planning is another to do cor Mother's Day. First SW told her not a good idea, then I followed it up with she needs to spend her time with her "dear" son. Sis is so odd it is never "my son", there is always some sort of adjective with it. And she us worried about what will happen to him when she and her ex pass since he is an only child. He is almost 19, sis is mid 50's. Made me feel like breaking out the violin, or rather, fiddle, cause she would never refer to it as that. She is just so full of herself, she is a licensed professional counselor, and calls her clients patients. Self inflated egos.

So, all in all, yesterday went well, a bit quiet, but will not go to sister's for a very long time, if ever again. Told her she owes me and my children apologies, as well as mom,s hubby, since he is very aware of what is going on, and that sisters placed a deposit on an assisted living apartment for mom and hubby to share, when he has told them he is not able to care for her any longer, without even mentioning it to him. Both sisters are completely wacko, then mix them together in the same bowl and you get a high overdose of narcissism.

Thanks for asking.

Wow - lots of activity. This is just a fly by to say hi to the newbies - and I echo what the oldbies said. Set boundaries, do some good things for you, detach, detach, detach... Look after your health. If contact is very stressful, reduce it or cut it out temporarily or permanently. Take a pill - from your doc of course, if that helps. My BP was up after the past months of extra stress from mother and sister. It is coming down again now. I find that listening to classical music brings it down and washes away my woes. A great holiday helped too,

On another front, I was at the jewellers today looking at engagement rings and made an appointment for us for next week. Juggling this development, moving mother and more dental surgery will be challenging.

Take care all, and do something good for you. ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Hi Margeaux, how are you doing? It's been about 24 hours, I had a good night's sleep last night, and things are thankfully a little more in perspective. My brother, his wife, and their 'email drive-by' incident has faded quite a bit now. To quote someone who's name I can't remember at the moment, "I'm really getting in touch with my rage" re-my mother, lol ;). Sounds a little less out of control than saying "I'm enraged," hee hee. But I am.
I realized that the neighbor who I say is always so generous and helpful, must also have her own issues. She is not simply being generous and helpful -- she is also getting sucked in to my mother's 'story' of me being neglectful and thoughtless. Who knows, maybe believing this actually inflates her own sense of being not just kind and helpful, but heroic too--sweeping in, with her superhero cape on, to save the day. I get that, in a way. If you had a choice of just helping, versus being recognized as a hero, which would you choose? We all know from personal experience that helping can be pretty thankless a lot of the time.
I also spent the last day really beating myself up. I sort of trusted this person to see things more clearly, and it didn't happen, and I blamed myself for being naive. Ok, so NOW I know that this person is doing what she's doing for her own reasons. I am hoping that she'll get a big bite on the butt and wake up and SEE. And I probably need to get a little more comfortable with being thought of as 'neglectful,' 'uncaring,' and 'selfish', and not let it get to me.
This is a helluva lotta work.

Ahhhh Looloo! We are all on this journey together. I'm getting to the point when my parents mention a name of someone who 'helps them so much,' I call to 'thank' them and start picking their brain. I will throw in little tidbits like 'Have you ever noticed...' or, 'My brother & I were just there and that wasn't so...' I learned from the best about manipulation w/ my grandmother, plotting the church ppl against my parents who were the pastor & his wife. She would be out of milk & 'No one would help her.' Church people to the rescue! My idea of people helping just out of the goodness of their heart was tainted when some of these people turned on my parents for their 'Neglect...' All they had to do was call my parents & find out the truth. Oh well. Good lesson learned & my radar is ON!

Sharynmarie,

Listen....You are going through some heavy stuff right now, given your niece's health. You have just gone through the sale of your mother's home, then dealing w/your sister and those issues. I have seen the courage and strength many times coming through. Yes, well we all probably suffer from the self esteem issue.
I certainly do. I see it in many posts here. But situations are always changing,
and we just have to remember even when we want to feel sorry for someone,
to become aware of how much we are willing to do that. Sometimes we just have to focus elsewhere, because those people have to do their work too. Those situations didn't get that way on there own.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux