The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Looloo. like you I believe Mom's generous helper has her own reasons whatever they are. Bashing you is her way of stroking mom's ego and making Mom dependent on her so she can inflate her own self importance. What she has left out of the equation is that Mom was schooled in manipulation by a master. She has plenty of ways to get help from other people when this helper runs out of steam. For now ignore the insults and appreciate the time she frees up for you not to be at mother's beck and call. You know you are not the person being described so let it go

I am the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family. My golden child/Hero sister wants to control everything, right up to hair appointments for my mom, and then blame my I brother and I for not doing anything. When I suggested they get a little more probing with the doctors about my moms care, she reminded me only her and my dad have POA and that is it. So, I am washing my hands of this whole situation and will simply send my mom get well cards. I am not a pawn. At least when my mom gets to Heaven she will know why I wasn't around more and couldn't help much.

Margeaux~I had a conversation with my sister about a month ago, and I don't think she appreciated and/or she chooses to stay in denial about her health and job situation. I told her I do not want to be her DPOA because I do not want to deal with her narcissistic eldest daughter. This daughter already accused her uncle on her father's side of the family of abusing his parents money. Her proof was based on the fact that her grandfather told her she would receive an inheritance from them. However, both grandparents ended up in a NH that was paid out of pocket since they did not set up a living trust with an elder law attorney. My sis was a little shocked when I said I don't want the responsibility for her and that her daughters need to do it. My relationship with my sister has changed to that of just contact regarding mom's care and I probably only email or talk with her once or twice a month now. I have distanced myself considerably from her. It is working out better for me. She is not calling me at work like she was and when she does, I let it go to voicemail.

My brother's situation is one that I am not personally involved with because when he married his wife, he kept her and her children separate from us...mostly to protect his marriage as my mother was instrumental in his divorce from his first wife. We were invited to my nephews birthdays, graduations,etc., but not her children's. My niece who is ill, I do know her, we are facebook friends as acquaintances only. She did help me with learning how to use my kindle when I first got it, LOL!! She friended me after my brother's surprise 60th b-day party 2 years ago when we all dressed as hippies so he could relive his teenage years, LOL! I had asked all the young mothers at the party if they had objections to me posting pics on facebook that had their children in them.

I am not what I would say is overly involved with my sibs issues, however, I do have days when it does affect me emotionally especially my brother's situation with his health and daughter. I can place myself in their shoes knowing how I would feel if it were one of my children. For the most part it is all happening at a distance from me. In the beginning, I was consumed with praying all the time for her and another relative's little boy who has a brain stem tumor. It did overwhelm me so I had back away and now I pray only once a week. I can't handle being consumed with it, it gets to be too much.

Thank you for your words and understanding. Focusing on my grandbabies is the best thing for me and next week we will know for sure what their genders will be. I can't wait as my daughter is going to tell me what they will be (of course her hubby will know too), that way word won't leak out before the reveal, my hubby has to wait like everyone else, LOL!!

Alison~I agree that yard work is very therapeutic. It really does help to work out negative feelings and gives a great boost mentally if depression is present. I can really get into weed whacking to work out angry feelings too, LOL!!! Just picture the persons face I am angry with and whack, whack, whack!!!, HEE HEE!!

Have a good day everyone!!Hugs to all of you.

Veronica91 -- thank you, it helps a lot to get support :)

I weed whacked more today since trash pick up was today, and I removed a dead dwarf orange tree. I ran into my next door neighbor when I brought the trash cans in the back yard. He is living with my actual neighbor who is his mother. He is in his early 50's and fighting to get a life back after a horrible divorce. He has a masters degree in psychology. I mentioned to him about a freebe tree that is growing on our side of fence and I how I need to saw it off and put a root killer on it so it does not break up the cement on his side or my side of the fence. The trunk on the tree is about 4 inches inches in diameter,...to big for me to just break it off then put something on it to kill the root so it wont continue to grow. He jokingly said yes, it is a problem for the entire neighborhood, and he said when I saw it off, to just pee on it to kill it, LOL!!! I responded as long as you are not watching, Hahaha!! A couple hours later, I ran to the store and when I came back, I noticed the tree was chopped down....Wow, I didn't expect that from him as I was going to it tonight. I don't know how to feel....grateful...guilty I even mentioned it....this where my coping skills lack because I didn't mean for him to do it. It was on our side of fence and either my hubby or I should have done it. I don't see him often to be able to thank him for his generosity. Any suggestions...

Sharynmarie,

About your neighbor, maybe your could send him a ecard.
My husband and me sent one today to his brother's gf, in Europe.
Poor woman, has some health problems.
But anyway, of course for that you'd need to have his email, if he has one.

If you don't, send him a Thank You card, the good old fashion way.

Will write a bit later,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn, don't you just love when things that you have to do and dread the thought of, get done for you without even asking for help?! Wonder what his wife's problem was. He sounds like a very considerate man.

Hmmm, what do you know about him? Is he a beer drinker? Maybe a 6 pack of some microbrews? Or home made cookies? A gift card for a nearby restaurant?

Sharyn, just remember when you thank him, to mention you and hubby's name. One never knows if he might be on the rebound from that nasty divorce. He might misconstrue the card, cookies, beer if you just say thank you, and then signing your name. If you add both of your names, then he won't think anything of it... Ahem.... I'm thinking of my 2 brothers who tend to think 'down there' than with their brains. Unfortunately, if a female smiles at them, they think the females Admires them. {{chuckling}}

Thank you Glad, Book, and Margeaux. I was shocked that he did this for us. It was nice of him, he is a character. Glad, from what I have been told about his ex wife....she sounds like a full blown narcissist. She apparently worked with her attorney for about 3 years planning the divorce and he walked away with a vehicle, motorhome and a dog. She ruined his reputation and cant get work in his profession.

Here's a question only adult children from dysfunctional families can help me with: My mom has lung cancer and is now at the stage where we are talking palliative/home health care. Not quite to the end of life, but Hospice is the next step. My sister has been estranged from my mom and I since my dad died
2 1/2 years ago. She has had a history of drug/alcohol addiction, stealing from my mom after my dad died, and general nastiness. Mom essentially cut her from the will 2 years ago (leaving her very little, not that there's is much anyway). My mother also took my sister off of the POA 2 years ago, which resulted in my sister threatening to sue me (which she did not). My mom moved to the city I am living and I've been her primary caregiver, so the POA only makes sense. Mom is very cognitively engaged, some short term memory issues, but that's it. Anyway my sister has rarely called my mother. The last time she contacted me was the week before Easter (via text, that's the only way I will communicate with her). I told her mom was not doing well, but is out of the hospital. My sister knows mom has lung cancer. She didn't even call my mom on Easter. Only asked if she should come up once when I thought my mom was going to die. There is so much more I could go into here, but I'll stop. My actual question is this: Due to my mom's history with my sister, my mother's refusal to call her (mom called her Christmas Day) and my sisters lack of concern...do I have an obligation to call my sister once my mom is unable to do so and is near the end?

Exhausted-I would call her when mom is near the end so she has the option to say goodbye. If she doesn't do so, you at least have done your part and what sis does or doesn't do, she has to live with in the end. She is an adult and is responsible for her own choices. Hugs to you and your mother.

EM, as your mother's POA you have an obligation to carry out your mother's wishes; I'd extend that obligation to her wishes concerning her other daughter, too. Ask her, at each stage: do you want me to let X know what is happening?

If her answer is yes, the next question is: do you want to see her?

You have an obligation to get as close as you can to what your mother really wants here, and to do your best to arrange it. That's all. You don't have any obligation to your sister.

But, by the way, you mention your sister's lack of concern. Well, you know her and I don't; maybe she doesn't call because she's not bothered, you should know. But I think you might bear in mind that another reason it's hard for her to call is that she gets a hostile reception. If you think your mother would benefit from any kind of reconciliation with her sister, you could think about working on that.

I agree with Sharynmarie, be the better one. My mom just had surgery and my brother who shares a POA with me did not inform me at all. I found through moms checking account. do it, make it short, and you'll have no regrets or bad feelings down the line. good luck.

Sharynmarie,

Isn't it interesting how dysfunction has the trickle down effect?
Here you have your sister who by your descriptions......drags her feet w/when she needs to be on top of matters w//mother. Her health needs lots of attention, and I'm aware that she doesn't address it. Then, she doesn't sound at all realistic about her job. In summary she's lacking in a lot of areas, then she somehow behaves surprised that you wouldn't want to be her DPOA. Then her daughter, what can one say about that! I think dysfunction has a trickle down effect. The more dysfunctional the parent is, the kids w/probably also be.

Well, I'm happy to hear that you are distancing, and that you're not too involved in your brother's dysfunction too.
Yes, this does affect us at times, but this is when we must be focused and reminding ourselves of the tools available, to get around it. We all have bad days,
then when other stresors appear in our lives we feel vulnerable, that's normal.
The thing is, not to stay in that too long, because that kind of thinking is counter productive.

I had an interesting situation come up the last few days w/a visitor.
I'll write about that in a post, because it could get very long.

You're doing well, my dear.....keep at it! It's a work in progress,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

So I met this woman a few years ago, who lives 2.5 hours away from me.
I met her through our neighbor next door. We've been in touch off and on for about 3 yrs., now. Our face to face meetings have been few. But I have seen her at our neighbor's, where she stays if she's in town.

This weekend, she came down and stayed a night next door.
She called me the day before she arrived to say she'd be visiting, and wanted to get together possibly for dinner, of course this was going to be that I prepare dinner for her, our neighbor and my husband. Before she arrived I also knew that she was going to visit 2 other people during the day, before arrival.

Anyway, so I was busy making some chicken thighs w/potatoes.
We heard from her in the early a.m., and I was a bit unsure as to what time she was actually arriving. Well dinner was getting done, she arrived/w/her Russell Terrier in tow, and a guy. He was a very nice young man, and she had offered to give him a ride to the airport, as he'd just finished a one month vacation in our city.
My neighbor and me noticed that she was extremely hyper. Again, since I've had few face to face meetings wi/her, she's been more of an email friend this behavior seemed new to me. So we finished dinner, she took this young man to the airport, she returned, my husband and I returned to our apt.

Next morning......I joined her and our neighbor out in his patio in the a.m for coffee, which was Easter. I spent about 2 hrs., talking to her, so it was pleasant.
I then told her I had to leave, so I was going to bid my farewells, as I didn't think she'd be at the neighbors later that evening. She had too many plans across town, catching up w/friends. My husband and me had another commitment, so we went to that.

So Monday goes by. We don't hear from her.
Tues., she rings me early in the a.m. She's still across town, her plans sound real iffy....she still wants to meet up with 2 more people in one day. On this call she made it sound as if she was going to spend Tues. night at our neighbor's, so wanted to see if I'd be around. I told her, well I'm moving around, so just call my cell, blah di blah.
She called me once more about 7:30 p.m. She's still across town, and sounds as if she hasn't caught up w/those two other friends she wants to see. Now she's saying something like, she doesn't know that she'll spend the night at our neighbor's. But she'll be in the area, and whether she could drop by, to say goodbye, (something I'd already done, Sun.) and......"I hope you guys aren't going to bed early," because I think I'll just wait for the traffic to die down, then I'm going to hit the road." O.K., I was saying uhuuh, o.k., to most of it, then we hung up.
After that, I started to think, "Oh no," I hope she's not going to ask me whether she can stay here. I'm already on to the fact that she rubs my husband the wrong way.
I can't say that I blame him either, because on this visit, she had this bouncing all over the place kind of energy, and she's rather on the aggressive side too. Again,
things one doesn't get to see unless you are with someone face to face.
Then she comes w/her dog, so that's already a big problem to begin with.
Anyway, 3 hrs., passed. We'd eaten dinner, I was on the computer feeling like I got sucked into something, and I was getting annoyed at that waiting around for people who have you waiting, according to their schedule. I went through moments, of how dumb I was, why didn't I tell her, or put a time limit as to when she could show up.

So round about 10:00 I headed for the bedroom, and was listening to a radio show, still thinking wow, she'll show up and I'll be sleepy, all of that......guilt! Well you all know what? I dosed off. About 10:45 p.m., our door bell rang. It was her. I heard the hubby go outside and she just started to tell him a slew of details about where she'd been, who she saw, and sounds like she got into a fight w/someone, also.
I stayed in the bed, but before she had appeared, I'd decided that I was just going to bed, and if some traveller is so inconsiderate as she obviously is......she doesn't deserve my consideration!

Next morning......hubby asked whether I'd heard the doorbell last night.
I told him yes, w/o hardly any talk about it at all on my part. He then said,
"she's a total drama queen." He also told me he got the feeling she was trying to see if we'd let her stay overnight.

Also, I thought it was interesting......she likes to do some travelling.
She told me she's joined something called, "Couch Surf." You join this website,
and people list where people can come stay in different cities, on their couch for free. Well she can't do couch potato in our place.

Some people have a lot of nerve!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

okay, guess I am all alone here.

Okay. Piggy-backing on my original question: How do I possibly deal with her getting the chance to clear her conscience at the last minute? I guess I need to ask my mom what she wants when the time is closer. One of the things my sister did was to drive from NM to AZ the day my dad died just to steal stuff out of the garage, my mom's Bose radio and her WALKER - then left my mom alone with no food in the house and no funeral arrangements made. I live in IN and my dad's death was sudden. I have two small children, so It took me a few days to get there. Frankly, I never want to set eyes on my sister again.

EM, are you worried that you'll get a call from your sister demanding to see your mother? Refer it to your mother. If your mother says no, it's a no. If she says yes, it's a yes - but you don't have to be there yourself. A nurse or care assistant can be present, as it wouldn't be safe or kind to leave a very sick woman alone with an unpredictable personality like your sister when she's in a state; then if at that time you still feel the same you won't have to see her at all.

You are getting a little bit ahead of yourself. Talk to your mother about what she wants so you're clear about her wishes. Then when the time comes you'll know what to do, and you'll have had a chance to make any practical arrangements necessary (like somewhere for your sister to stay where you won't have to see her, for example).

What on earth did your sister want to pinch your mother's walker for?

Thanks, Countrymouse. I am getting ahead of myself, I know. It comes from living in my childhood home. You always had to be one step ahead. I appreciate your suggestion to make arrangements for someone else to be there if she does come to see my mother. I don't trust my sister any further than I can throw her, so I do not want her in my mom's apartment alone. My mom and I made arrangements for palliative and home health care advocates to come in to help her (the first steps of Hospice). She does live in a very good assisted living facility with nurses and care-givers I can trust.
My sister was having knee surgery and decide she'd need the walker more than my mom, I guess. I bought my mom a new walker when I got to AZ. After my husband called her to tell her to return the radio, she sent my mom a letter telling her she took the Bose radio because there were cigarette ashes on it...craziness.

Goodmama,

No, you're definitely not alone. Welcome to the thread.
I thought I posted something last night, but at some point had to get off computer because I've been having a battle w/sinuses.

My situation sounds a lot like yours. I too have a very controlling sister, POA,
MPOA, who thinks that her opinion is the only valid one. My brothers are never called upon to do relief for mom.

My sister has become very defensive if I ask, or offer any kind of advice.
I'm only doing this when my sister has burned my ear about an apathetic doctor,
mom's constipation, etc. She interprets what I say as a personal attack about her. She's getting worse too. The other day after mom was released for constipation and a UTI, my sister was running down all the levels of what mom had been through in the hospital. The conversation was about stool softeners,
and I offered something in general. Her reaction was so defensive, I felt my blood boiling....I had to do everything to keep my composure over the phone w/her. But I held firm to what I was saying and ended it in a strong tone of voice, and told her to look it up on the computer. But yet....she'll still call when she needs relief. The last time I did this......she really overstepped the line w/me regarding my input. She has of lately also treats me like I'm one of her paid caregivers, and you can tell by what I'm saying here that she treats them w/a
sub-level of respect. She's very critical of them. The last time she needed relief...
I told her I couldn't do it that day. Yes, it's coming down to, I'm having to just separate gong to see mom, visit and not get involved in the care. That's too bad.
But I'm fed up w/her treatment, and inflated sense of self importance.
Congratulations is what I can say to you.

Does your mom live at home with your dad?
My sister does those hair and nail appointments. She even took mom last week.
What on earth, mom just got out of the hospital! Why is something like getting a 93 yr. old's nails done at this time?

Please come back and share whatever you want.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

ppodmama~I too have a sister that thinks she is the universal queen, she has tired to completely take over control of my mom's clothing choices based on what she likes...not what mom likes. So I arranged a clothing shopping trip where mom came with us to make her own choices. My mom has Alzheimer's and is mentally incapacitated. Mom also lives in a memory care unit that is part of an assisted living facility. She also receives excellent care. Sis tried to take over mom's hair style because she does not like it. Again, I was able to get sis to let me take mom to her regular stylist instead of the stylist on site who just didn't get mom's hair color right and she cut my mom's very thin hair in many layers which caused it to look stringy and unkept. My goal is to let mom be who she has always been regarding her style of clothes and hair. Sis has backed off on it even though she is the primary on the DPOA. I live in the same city as mom, so taking her out of the facility to get her hair done, is opportunity for me to spend more time with mom. We either go to breakfast before the hair appointment, or we go to lunch after. She lives a 45 minute drive from us and she only come down to visit mom on obilgatory days, b-days, mother's day, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Please come back and let us know more when you are ready to share. We will support you and Welcome to the thread.

UNNN-believable!!! "Hey mother, you won't mind if I take this, will you..?"

You've reminded me of when I saw an exercise bike at my brother's house and said "oo! - it's just like the one I gave Daddy for his birthday oh it IS the one I… Oh." Their need greater than their parents', eh?

I guess if there's a useful lesson it's always to remember that when you 'ask' your parent if something's okay you have to remember too that he/she will almost never say "no."

Feeling paranoid (yes I do realise I am being paranoid): photographs up on Facebook from Lovely Nephew 1's wedding on Saturday, and the ones from the evening dance show my DIL draped drunkenly but happily over my sister's shoulders - did they bond over b**ching about me??? No of course not. Dunno what else they would have had to talk about tho', they've barely met… :/

thanks for this topic..this is my first visit to a forum and this topic is right up my alley.
Though I wont get into the specifics due to the length, my childhood at 10 consisted of my father hitting my mother, her chasing him with a meat cleaver in retaliation, the cops coming to my house at 2am taking him to jail, them using me and my late sister as go betweens for their ugly comments after they split up and so on. When their divorce finally went to court when I was 14, we are asked who we wanted to live with as he was fighting for custody so he could keep the house and my mother would end up homeless,and we said with her, so he cut us out of his life, moved to a different state, stopped working, ate in soup kitchens etc. During the separation he drained the bank accounts and moved the money to relatives. He didnt pay child support, alimony, the taxes on the house so he lost everything in the judgement. The fact is, he was good father up to the point of the divorce, but a horrible husband. And my mother is one who could nag you to the point of wanting to slug her, and with his short fuse thats what he did. He was an old time time italian and no picnic either. Though we did reconcile over the years and then fall out again, in the end we were estranged. When my younger sister was dying from cancer and i told him this, he said I have my own problems. She lasted 9 months and never called her.I did invite him to her service, where he cried and said she didnt deserve this. Well, no, she didnt deserve for him to ignore her when she was dying and on her deathbed asking wheres daddy. He outlived her by a year and a half.
Now I am the caregiver to my 92 yo mother. And the fact is, I have spent my whole adult life trying to get some space from her. She is another old time italian who was always in my business. If i didnt answer the phone, or if i left if off the hook by accident, she would call the neighbors, or even the police would show up at my door telling me your mother says your not answering your phone. She interfered in my raising of my kids, and because I was a smoker she told me she was going to report me to child protective services back in the 1990s when my kids were in grade school. This isn not a woman i feel endeared to and now I have her in my home 24/7. She has dementia , has turned the gas jets on by accident, leaves the hot water running the bathroom at night for hours, get feces all over the bathroom when she goes, using so much toilet paper the sewer system clogs up and my husband who is a plumber has to rent industrial equipment to clear the sewer line,and then denies she does any of these things. I took her in because of a sense of moral obligation, but after 3 and a half years of on and off and now a year and a half straight of having her here, my hub and I are out of our minds. She doesnt seem to care about what we are going through having her here, and would go to nursing home kicking and screaming only. I have 2 older cousins in other states, no other family. I heard her on the phone telling the 70 yo female one that we blame her for everything that goes wrong here. I told this cousin what we go through here and she says I dont want to see her in a nursing home so Ill take her. Well thank you Lord. She never once asked me how my mothers mental state was so I never told her. We are on the east coast and she will be taking my mother to AZ, when she comes down at the end of the summer. I have one daughter who is for this and one against. My cousin has 2 female house mates and my mother will have her own bathroom which is something we cant give her here as we have only 1. I told my cousin I hope you know what you are getting into, she says she does. I sometimes think I am a horrible person having no maternal feelings for my mother, but I dont know how I am suppose to reverse them. Thanks for a place to vent.

Exhaustedmomma: I have a sisterinlaw who thinks she is "entitled" to possessions of her mother's. Years ago when we first noticed memory problems with my mother in law, we had a discussion about importance of a living will. SIL walked into the room. When explained to her what we were talking about, "Living Will." She went into a tantrum, screaming and stomping how dare anyone talk to her mother about "The Will". When mother dies I want it all! As it has turned out, my MIL has deteriorated since then. On Thanksgiving SIL was told by POA( my husband) not to remove anything from her mother's home. The next time we arrived to MIL's home, all her sterling silver and china were gone. SIL and boyfriend took all while MIL was sleeping. SIL rearranged and added things to china cabinet to make it look like nothing was missing. SIL admitted in text to POA she took it all and is not returning it. Her mother is still alive! I made Easter dinner at MIL's and we did not even have a serving fork for the meat! We had to use a barbecue fork! GREED of people is sickening! It is exploitation of the elderly. If someone would do that to own mother, they'd do it to anyone. I have not met my SIL face to face since this incident..... "Katie bar the doors".....someone will need to hold me back! SIL is a narcissist. We had bought picture frames and gave MIL memorable photos of times spent with her. When we arrived to MIL's home, SIL had taken our photos out of frames we bought and put in her own! Now she rearranges the photos and puts hers at the front. Over the years we had purchased jewelry as gifts for MIL. As MIL's memory was getting worse, we marked the boxes of things we gave her. SIL took all the boxes away. The drama goes on and on.........we look forward to the day when we do not have to deal with this nutjob any more!

whippedat56......Your cousin has no idea what she is in for. Let her go. You have done the best you can. What you are going through now, multiply that by 4. It only gets worse...... You deserve a "normal family" now!

Thanks for your support and understanding. I realize when a family is dysfunctional a crisis magnifies those issues. I have already told my sister that I am checking out of the situation due to her behaviors. She told me she was sorry I felt that way. But I believe if you really are, then you seek ways to involve others. My dad is making all the decisions for my mom and enabling my sister to take over everything, so I guess, in his actions, he is giving her that role. So, I am completely free to do as I wish with my mom. I am a great encouraging person and I will send her encouraging notes every day and be at peace knowing I'm not needed nor wanted. So thankful for understanding folk like you all and for BOUNDARIES :)

Countrymouse,

Glad to see you posting again. I was wondering where you'd been.
Before my sister moved into my mom's, I still had many things in the bedroom I used while I lived there during dad's illness and passing. Then I moved out w/then beau, who became my husband. I couldn't bring some of my things w/me because we live in a small space, and my husband has a lot of things, kind of like a museum of sorts. HAAH! Guess who gets to clean it? ME!

When my sister moved into mother's 3 bedroom home, to care for our battle ax aunt, and mom.......she moved in w/the two daughter's and the eldest's boyfriend.
O.K., I admit that I should have done something w/the stuff I had in that bedroom. Well, they moved all the stuff into the garage, w/a whole load of their things. They could have told me, when they were going to make the move, as I would have liked to pack up some of my things and at least know where they are, because I've tried locating them in mom's huge garage, but
now my things are all mixed up w/their's. My sister does her shopping at the warehouse places, so she has lots of supplies in there also.
I had two nice comforters, then found one on my sister's bed, the other on her daughter's. But my sister has always had this aggressive quality, in that she thought nothing of taking something from me, when we were younger and using it, or keeping it. What is it about people in families that do this

Each time I've been to mothers, I take a peek into that garage.....so that I might locate some of my mementos, especially, and a guitar I own. Well who knows where that may be, because my sis once braggingly told me that they'd had a garage sale, She said that her son in law was very good at this, blah di blah.
I couldn't help but cringe thinking.......yes you've probably sold some of my things, I'm sure.

How wonderful of your DIL, but this picture and the posting of it may come back to bite her.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Ppodmama,
I just noticed your screen name, I'd written to you as Goodmama, that's what happens when my sinuses act up. So those posts were for you, of course.

When there's an enabler such as your dad, there's not a lot someone in your shoes can do. My brother's are enablers of the sort in that they never participate w/mother. Nowadays, the youngest brother who is named as 2nd POA, in case my sister can't do it, lives so far, and he never ever really does anything that would include the emotional aspect about participating w/mom. Plus, he's emotionally disconnected to begin with. Then, our other brother...the golden boy!
He also is geographically disconnected, too. He just comes by when my sister tells him things such as.....mom's now gone into Hospice care. Anyway, because of their absence......they''re enablers to my sister's control. I sometimes feel as if possibly the youngest brother, doesn't appreciate how much control my sister has, but it would take for him to speak up. That's too much work for him!
So I like you am alone in that camp. It just ends up being there's only so much we in our role in the family as the "scapegoats," can really do when there's a lack of support. The manner in which you've elected to get around this, is the most sensible way to handle it.

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Austin,

How is your brother doing?
I remember you'd posted about his health, and been meaning to ask about him.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Whipped, um… This cousin who is taking your mother to live with her permanently in four months' time has no idea that your mother has dementia?

That is a car crash in waiting.

Listen, I completely agree and completely sympathise: you cannot continue to house your mother in your home, with only one bathroom, and your own and your husband's sanity to worry about. Your mother has to live somewhere else, and that somewhere else has to be somewhere where she will be safe and well looked-after - by people who know what they are doing. There's the rub.

You need to talk to your cousin about this. She then needs to find out about dementia. If she's still up for it, cool. If she's got the sense she was born with, though, she'll probably agree that you all together need to come up with a new plan.

A 92 year old with dementia living in a house with one niece and her two room-mates, states away from her own home..? To paraphrase Arnold Schwarzenegger: "she'll be baaack…"

Oh, and there is no law that says you have to feel warm and fuzzy towards your mother. I love my mother very much but there are an awful lot of things I don't like about her. Being sure it's mutual is some consolation..! :)