The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Whipped~I hope you have a back up plan if your cousin calls you after 3 months saying she can't do it anymore and she wants you to take her back. Just be prepared if this should happen. A care facility may be a good option. I hope for you and your family it doesn't happen as you deserve to get on with your life with your husband and daughters.

Margeaux-I can relate to what you said about your brothers enabling your sister. My poor brother has enough on his plate already. He won't speak up when sis was hugging him to fix the toilets at mom's house. I tried to intervene by volunteering to call a plumber on my next day off but sis didn't want to pay the expense. If it were me and my brother didn't respond to my email after a week, I would have got a plumber. Not sis, she sent a second email to him. She is not very thoughtful of other people's situations.

It is funny how family will intrude with thoughts about how it may interfere with their life.

I have just joined this website and have been a caregiver for about 7 months. My folks were able to be in their home until my dad's hip replacement turned into a perforated bowel, sepsis, colostomy, etc. He has been hospitalized for 2 months now. My mom moved in with my husband and I after a car accident while driving home from visiting Dad in the hospital.
Dad is very controlling and Mom and I are still dancing to his tune. Anything to keep him from blowing his top!
I am very exhausted at this point and mom continues to escape reality through books and TV. She barely knows how to do the bills, and is very immobile. Usually sits in a chair until I do something for her.
As an only child, it all falls on me. I feel so selfish for wanting/needing some down time. I long to have one afternoon to myself.

NOT a happy camper. Before the meeting with mother's social worker and the new paychiatrist today, the SW wants me to bring 5-7 new clothing outfits for mother which can tolerate hot washer and dryer, stamps, sox and a duvet/quilt. Oh, and a cheque for mothers supplements. Just how am I supposed to carry all this is one trip? I don't have a car with me. I do not think mother has bedcovering that will tolerate those temps, so I will have to buy her a cheap comforter, and frankly most of her clothing won't take hot temps either.

I told the SW I wasn't feeling well as I still haven't recovered from the flare-up. I think it is side effects of the meds. I am tired and somewhat nauseated, and I am a senior who could use some help myself. I have dental surgery that still needs to be done, have to plan a move for mother this year and disposing of some of her furniture, and looks like a wedding (mine) to plan. I have mother's taxes to do, as well as mine. I will do the things that other people can't do, but they can buy stamps and a cheap comforter, and they can get staff at mothers ALF to send more of her clothes over. We have paid over $3000 a month the past few months, and mother has not even been there, so they can do something for their money. Aaaargh. Oh well, they will get enlightened this afternoon or I will take a page from mother's book and threaten senior abuse. lol.

Mother is off her meds again -it didn't last long, so I will not be visiting her. My stomach feels bad enough as it is.

Hi to the newbies again. You have been getting lots of good advice. Hope I feel better soon and like posting more.

and hi to everyone else. I am reading but not up to grade these days.

Take care of you -what I am trying to do.

Emjo: Well, near us we have salvation army thrift stores.....I'd buy new outfits allright! Geez! What are they smoking? Oh fun fun she's off her meds...... No wonder your stomach is acting up. So frustrating for you! Hope it works out soon.

Constantnurse, thank you for sharing and venting about your situation. I got on here just now to complain about my non-problems and read your post. You hang in there and keep posting if it helps give you some support, and I'll go back to my day with a new sense of "Keeping Calm and Carrying On." :-) (((hugs)))

Sorry, emjo, why does it seem like the crazy of "this" - this caregiving to family, DYS family at that - just spreads into so many unforeseen facets of life, like a giant weed…? :-( I hope you do "enlighten" SW and those at facilty, lol. Why does it seem like everyone in the world has started being unaccountable, inefficient, and wants to "delegate" everything and anything? Ok, thats a sweeping generalization, lol, but its what I'm experiencing today.

I'm feeling it today, too, just so many issues with making these new doctor's appointments (one has already called back to cancel/reschedule, and is now on hold for foreseeable future, then the newly assigned PCP for Humana - the newly assigned health care plan - is telling me in so many words that my dad needs to come to them, not the other PCP I found on website: healthgrades… geesh), the air purifier unit I ordered was lost in transit and spent an hour with Amazon today to sort that out, meanwhile I do not feel well and I have bloody mucus… do not have enough extra money to reorder unit out of pocket until refund has cleared… and on and on… and my father is completely out of food again and I'm realizing that he has zero intention of doing ANYTHING FOR HIMSELF while I am around. Its disheartening, for sure.

Deep breath. Getting on my big girl pants. (((hugs))) to all.

So - complained/vented anyway, lol! Good, I needed to laugh, and reading here and posting accomplished that for me. :-) Love you guys.

Countrymouse...my cousin does know about the dementia...I told her yesterday when my mother was telling her we blame her for everything...l had just never mentioned it before because she never asked....we have not seen my cousin in 3 1/2 years...my mother was quite different then but I agree with all the posts...you have to live this to understand it....and my cousin has not lived this

Whipped- you are right your cousin has not lived this plus it sounds like she is about 20 years older than you.

It is so difficult that when a chapter of a life is closing, the dysfunction has to be at its height. WE ALL DESERVE A HUG!

Alison- complain and vent all you need!

Joan-it is amazing to me how sw.'s will pass the buck. The community mom is at called me Tuesday saying she was out of toothpaste, body wash, shampoo and conditioner. I said we just brought all that on Sunday. She said well we can't find it. I said my mom hides things because she things other people are using her bathroom and supplies.it is there just look for it!

You got that right, Sharyn. I don't feel that I was heard on the issues I brought up. They nodded and smiled and told me I didn't have to do any of it, then spent more time discussing how I should do it. I told them eventually she needs rto go into a facility that she will stay in as I cannot keep moving her. The psychiatr

This why Joan, I need to be able to work local, so I have that extra hour of time to make sure they know my mom has supplies. I understand that they don't like to go through my mom's personal belongings, but I can't be there everyday. Hugs to you and hang in there, but take care of yourself first.!!!

Yes, you do need to be close, Sharyn.

When I told them that the next move has to be it, the psychiatrist went all wide eyed and said she would try. I said you aren't getting it. It is not a matter of trying. It is a matter of doing it in a way that she will stay - making it work! We are agreed she will go into mental health care. Next meeting, I need to repeat that they have to make it work. I believe that meds are part of the answer.

They said hire a moving company. I said that does not deal with all the excess furniture and belongings that as soon as I dispose of any, will be exactly what mother wants. Tomorrow, I will check mother's closet for washable things, then go to the mall next door and buy some washable stuff and a comforter and have them delivered. I doubt she will wear any of it, but it is all I can do. What she may need will have to be stored, and the rest disposed of. She will likely go into a bachelor apartment with no cooking facilities, so she will not need much furniture. Most of the stuff she bought a few years ago will have to go. What a waste!!! So, I need to end the lease at her present ALF, and find a storage place. It will cost less than her ALF costs.

They want to keep her another few months for observation and testing. The cognitive testing has come back. There are deficits in her short term memory, nothing new, but the cause is - vascular dementia. Her executive functions are reasonable, but have dropped from where they were before. Her temper is showing. They are starting to see what we lived with. I am sure they will see more in future. She will likely be there at least 6 months, between the new psychiatrist getting to know her, and the wait list for whatever new place she goes into. I will have some say in choosing places. I suspect it will be more like 9 months before she moves.

I will say that at the end of the meeting that the psychiatrist looked me in the eye and said that mother was lucky to have me and the sw nodded. I told them I was very thankful for the support, as I had had little support and lots of opposition all my life and all I wanted was a little peace. They recommend no visitors for mother for now. Works for me.

Forgot the check for her incidentals, as I am not feeling well. Just as well as they need extra anyway. I forgot some of my clothing and makeup when I packed too, which I never do. Frustrating!!!

Walked back to the hotel - over 20 blocks and blew a few cobwebs away.

norrest - walking doesn't seem to have hurt my gut - some of it may be stress

alison - repeat with me - "we are NOT flying monkeys, or gophers, for that matter!"

Tonight I will treat myself to a nice dinner and maybe some time in the hot tub, or maybe just early to bed.

G's horse case was put over another month. He called it a gong show of ineptitude. lol.

A little hum drum for both of us would be nice.

Everyone – take care of you!

Joan, I haven't been on this board much lately but did read a snippet to what you are facing once again. Words fail me, when I read this I thought dear Lord how could this be, you've been through so much already. I agree your mother was so blessed to have been given you as her daughter. You deserve the best and I believe the best is yet to come. You are one of my hero's here on this board. You are in my thought and prayers dear lady!

Thanks, zoo. It blows me away that they really aren't getting it. I guess if it comes to that I will back out and give medical/personal POA to my sister. I can keep financial. I said that I am getting too old for this and I am getting to an age where I need help sometimes. They nod and say that they have people my age in their facility. and I should just hire someone.

It isn't that simple. There is a certain amount of sorting that you have to do yourself and there are no geriatric case managers here.

Thewy say out it on kijjiji - sure. I am 5 hrrs drive away and I am going to sell mother

sell mother's stuff from that distance a few articles at a time? Not very practical

Prayers are much appreciated. Hope your folks are se.

settled now.

Typing on my lap is not working well - over and out :)

Joan-prayers sent! Maybe another Sw will be more understanding.

Whipped, I am with everyone else, it sounds like a facility would be best for mom. And now is the time to make that decision, not after spending some time at cousin's and then learning that cousin just cannot take care of her. Sharyn's estimate of being there a couple of months then realizing that this shouldn't have been done is not fair to mom. Moves are very difficult on those with dementia, it in and of itself could cause a sudden decline that mom may snap out of, but may not. It may only be a few days before cousin wants to bring mom back.

Think this decision through very carefully and make sure you have a Plan B and Plan C and probably a D as well.

Joan, you and that laptop, my tablet is just as bad. But I really thought you had had more than enough when I read "sell mother" then noticed your next post. I will be honest here I had to LOL!

Are there ever bargain basement prices on mothers? Or I should word that another way, there are never premium prices on them and they come with a lot of extra work and stress.

Joan, take care of YOU! Now I will go back a few pages to see what is happening with your mom, good luck with that it doesn't sound good.

Norest-
Again, I am laughing at you pictures in frames story. One of my mom's favorite things to do is rearrange pictures which are on all pieces of furniture around here (hate dusting all of them!). Well, whenever sibling comes over she too rearranges pictures so those in her family are in the front everywhere. It has become quite humorous, gotta laugh, right? And I am sure she must be angry when she does this, otherwise she would dust them off at the same time you would think? Just so freaking childish.

LOL!

Yeah, Emjo, nothing the SW wants done that can't be done on site. Take any items you do feel up to managing, and as for the rest of the list "never apologise, never explain." I can't imagine your POA documents mention anything about Personal Shopper.

Woah! Wooo-ooh!!! Did you say wedding (yours) to plan??? Wow fantastic! - that's more like it :|)

Exhausted, when my mom was dying last year, I did not even hesitate to text all my siblings that mom is close to the end. Years ago, Baby sister said that she was never going to come back here. Older sis said that she will only come home for the funeral. Even though they said this, I still felt obligated to alert them. In the end, they all came. Except baby sis had flight delays. She arrived a day later, which was the day mom died just before her plane landed. :::: As for your sister, do you have a spare room that only you have the key? Why don’t you start locking the valuables (silverware, vases, prized mementos, etc….) in there. When sis tries to get into it, tell her that your mom is not dead yet. Be mean/firm if you have to. Need help to be mean/firm? Think of what she did to your mom when your dad died. If you do this, you can look at her like that and she will know that you mean business.

Hi Ppodmama. I was never the scapegoat in my dysfunctional family. Mom just hated me and let it slip one time. I knew that the parents didn’t love us, but to actively hate me? She just treated me like a delicate flower about to break because her favorite child (my older sister) died from pneumonia while a super typhoon was hitting the island. Plus, she named after the typhoon which her favorite child died from. Plus, I was born white with red hair. While a toddler, relatives and strangers all assumed a white military man fathered me (mom must have fooled around.) Actually, I was a throwback from one of my great great Spanish grandparent. I’m still ‘white’ compared to my native people. But, I’ve seen the scapegoats in my family. No matter what they do, they never do it right, always chosen to do all the work, or be blamed, ignored, etc…. That is fave sis and older brother. We’re all messed up….

Margeaux – I get so upset when I read how siblings take things that doesn’t belong to them. When we were growing up, we siblings fought like cats and dogs. I have absolutely no hesitation in taking back what’s mine. I am known for my mouth. I can go on and on until the cow is dead, and it’s legs sticking up, and my mouth will still be going on and on. I’ve trained my family so well. Now, even before they touch it, all I have to say is, “That’s Mine.” and they all back off. If something is missing, I trace it to the culprit, and my mouth goes off for a long time so that everyone hears about it. sigh… it’s all from childhood when you’re competing for or trying to keep what’s yours from your other 7 siblings and 4 cousins. If you don’t fight for what is yours, you lose it. Sorry that it’s hard for you to be just as aggressive Back at your sister as she is to you. I’m a timid person but not when it comes to My Stuff.

It's mango season. Even if I park my car as close as possible to the house, just by walking from the car to the house, sinus allergy flare up. I used to keep my bedroom window open. My doc told me that when it's mango season, that I need to keep the windows closed and use the air con. For the past few weeks, I've had sinus/allergy stuffed up face, pounding headaches. Tylenol/Motrin dulls the headaches but I'm still so miserable. Took the sinus/allergy pill, made the headache go away but still a stuffed head on, and stomach pains (my stomach cannot handle the sinus/allergy pills.)

So, I'm back to taking the "natural" route for my sinus/allergy. Starting yesterday, I mixed 1/4 cup organic apple cider vinegar with 1 TBS honey then put it into my 16oz water. Sipped it throughout the day, and it cleared my sinus, and No headache!!! Today, I cut it down to 1/8 C vinegar with 1TBS honey in the 16 oz water. Oh, oh!!! I have an acne pop out, and my lips started tingling, and I have tiny rashes breaking out on my upper lip. Please don't say that my body is rejecting this natural remedy too!?!!??! It was working sooooo well!!!!

Wa wa what??? Emjo wedding? Do spill? So exciting?

glad - hahahahaha - that's hilarious! "sell mother" Must have been a Freudian slip. I didn't see that. Any takers? I can give you a bargain!

I am feeling a little more relieved as I found a "elder mover" in E'ton on the internet who will help sort, pack, arrange charity pickups, help make decisions about what to do with what, arrange for movers, unpack, arrange furniture etc. There is only one company like this in the city but one is enough. I hope they are still in business.They can also be a go between with mother. I know it will cost extra, but she can afford it, it will appeal to her elitism, we will be saving the ALF rent for now, and this is a complicated move as we do not know where she is going. I must contact them.

whipped -think about what glad said about the effects of moving. I doubt your cousin will last very long. It does sound like your mum needs a facility.

constantnurse -you need to arrange breaks for yourself or your health emotional/physical will be affected.

ppodmama -yes the dysfunction heightens and we all need hugs ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

norest - thrift store!!! Very sensible suggestion BUT mother would not been seen dead in anything from the thrift store. Someone suggested getting some cheap stuff and putting it in a bag from an expensive store - hmmmm!

margeaux - siblings!!!! aaaargh!!! I am cutting off more and more. Can't handle the verbal/emotional abuse - don't need it in my life - too toxic. I think got sucked in once too often.

book - all that childhood fighting gave you some valuable tools. I never pictured you as white with red hair. Wow. Love red hair! I will try your sinus remedy - mine have been sore. What could you be allergic to in that mixture?

Sharyn -so many conflicting emotions. I didn't know that ethan was a relative, It is heart breaking, and also your niece. Hope you can focus on the grandbabies and fully enjoy them

cm - glad to see you back. I have missed you. Hope all your stuff is proceeding reasonably. Can your mum give sensible input to your future move? Again -siblings!!!!! aaaargh!!!! I like your "never apologise, never explain." . Yes they could do the things they ask me too, but maybe what I do will please mother. That seems to me to be the wrong end of the stick. I like this psychiatrist the least of all I have met. She wouldn't shut up, kept going on in her pseudocheerful way, so I interrupted her a few times, not that she heard me anyway.

Alison - would your dad actually go hungry rather than go to the store for food? Hope you are getting things sorted re his care, and the house mold. Sounds like a bit of a nightmare. Bloody mucus - do you need a return trip to your doc??? I think you may need a change of scenery -i.e. to get out of there. This is seriously affecting your health.

judda - good to see you back. Hope you are letting go of mum as you want her, as she used to be and accepting her as she is. It lessens the pain. Put you first -remember be humane to your mum, but cause yourself no further harm.

a and a - I will do a separate post on the upcoming event.

sad - I have seen you on the narcissist thread quite a bit. You are NOT having fun.. Stick to your guns - detach, and look after you. If I never see mother or sis again, I am fine with that.

whoever I have missed I apologise -not intentional. Just getting back to speed here.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you. (((((((hugs))))))

Re the upcoming event - G and I are choosing rings. I mentioned that he took me to a few jewellers in the Bahamas, which were way too expensive, but it got the ball rolling so to speak.

We said from the start that we wanted us" to be permanent, but I, especially, knew I had to feel that we could resolve conflict successfully before moving ahead. That has taken a few years, and both of us have made some adjustments. I have to say that G made me feel secure in the relationship as we did this, and he is feeling secure now since I am. I bought a wedding dress some months ago on faith, and need to get it altered to fit just right - upper torso issues!

We have not set a date. That will be the next thing. I believe it will be this year. I have talked with dil who has issues with daughter. and she said they will put them aside for the day. That is a big relief. Emily will be flower girl and Joel ring bearer, oldest son John will give me away, as long a G is OK with those things.

I want something small and simple - intimate and elegant. The dress is white satin, long, simple, with an interesting back. I may have a fingertip cape/poncho in a see through fabric. Upper arms are not the best at my age. Found some nice ones online. I am not sure where it will be, but possibly in his home town. Mother will not attend - she already has said that much earlier - but his parents and other family will be. On my side, it will be my kids, probably godson and sig other, a few friends, though mine are going down like flies recently, not sure about anyone else, but could hold something later in FMcM for others.

It is a bit scary having that and mother's move to arrange coincidentally, and fit some dental surgery in, which has time issues, but we will get through it.

That is about it for now, and I will update as things happen. G is a good man. We feel fortunate to have found one another. Thanks for the support and interest. ((((((((hugs))))))

emjo , excited as i read about your happy event! Also appreciate the encouragement to take a break. just can't quite figure out how. :)
Got home from work and therapy session yesterday only to find my kitchen torn up because sink was plugged but leaking and Mom had flooded the whole kitchen. ARRRGH. Now we are just trying to figure out where the clog is and she is feeling awful. Therapy session was very painful, because my pastor responded to me by saying "other brothers and sisters in Christ are going through trials" quit focusing on yourself." Put on your big girl pants and boots and keep moving on" I was very hurt and have not decided how to respond. Any thoughts?