The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

thanks constant - Have you looked into community resources to see if someone can come in and do some things for you so you can have some time for yourself. Your local agency on aging, social services office are places that may help. Gosh. I read on your profile that your mum is 74 with mobility issues. I count myself as very fortunate. I am 2 years older than her and walked over 25 blocks yesterday. Does your mum have any cognitive issues as well? If she can be left alone, then you can take some breaks -even a few hours in an evening with a friends, take in a movie or something like that. You need to schedule "me" time regularly.
Re your pastor's counselling, I am Christian too, and I would not continue counselling with someone who counselled me that way. You have a heavy burden with work and your mother's care. We are to "bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" Galatians 6:2. I don't see anything in scripture about "sucking it up". I would try to find someone who is supportive.

((((((((hugs))))))) to you - do something good for you today!!!

Marqeaux thank you for asking-my sil is once again keeping me from seeing my brother it had been set up that I would go over every other week and take a meal since my brother did all the cooking and now is too sick to cook-but she is playing her games again and would not let me go over and I need to see him and assess how he is doing myself because she is unable to pass along how he is doing-but I have made a plan and will call his cell and talk to him myself-she still goes away often to see the grandchild and leaves him alone plus he has to drive himself to treatments because she wants to go to visit her mother on that day-she has her priorities and it is not him-so I am sad about everything at this point-my honey is there for me thank God and I do.

Constantnurse, I've been in your position before, where you are looking for support (and sympathy, too), but instead you get a speech about how you're complaining too much and/or not doing the "right" thing, according to speech giver. It can be very hurtful. For myself, I know I've gone through, and continue to go through, so much change and adjusting. My life is centered around being a giving person, why would anyone feel the need to tell me that I need to just "suck it up"? That's not what I need to hear, because CLEARLY I am ALREADY sucking it up, in a big way, so that's not the issue here… All I can say is your pastor likely has never walked in your shoes, and is only human. People make mistakes all the time, even the nice, well-meaning ones. Unfortunately he doesn't understand the demands of your situation, but please stick around here for the understanding and support that you need.

And as far as responding… I am not the best to give advice here. When I have gotten that type of speech from others, I tend to just not communicate with them for some time period after that. I don't want to be mad or hurt at them, or try to defend my position, but I just feel if they are not understanding my current situation than I just put some temporary distance in that relationship. I wish you much luck with all of it. Others here will likely have good ideas for how to respond. (((hugs)))

Haha, emjo, just read your response to Constant… yes, there is a big difference between being helpful and caring person and just "sucking it up" across the board. Funny that we chose the same exact terminology to describe what "that type" of advice is really saying.

Everyone, please take care of you, and have a wonderful Friday. Sun is shining and its getting up to around 70 degrees today here, I'm very grateful.

Constantnurse that was, in my opinion, a vicious remark from your pastor. Tell that gentleman before he tries anymore therapy to get some training. I feel so mad about his treatment of you. The point of therapy is to help you find the tools to deal with you situation not. Not " too bad others have it bad to so quit complaining and get on with it" it would have been better if he was able to say somethinmg like " Your brothers and sisters in Christ are suffering as you are but what specifically can I help you understand and make your tribulations easier to bear" it's like telling someone in a prison cell with no window to stop and take deep breaths when all they will smell is the stench of the other prisoners. Yes you can pray and that is good because trusting in the Lord will give you strength but He's too busy to come round with a mop and bucket and clean up the mess. i won't go one but this kind of treatment from those who are supposed to give comfort makes me turn away from organized religion.
It is like a friend of mine who was an abused wife and had the bruises to show for it that she should stay in the marriage and not get divorced. So she went home and endured many more years till his death freed her. How right is that?
Therapy can be very painful because so many old pains have to be relived and adjustments made to our thinking and behaviour. But it is necessary to find a way forward.
You know as well as I do Mom did not deliberately flood the kitchen because she now feels so awful about it. it could have happened to anyone but you over reated having just come from that hurtful session and the anger which should have been directed toward the pastor was vented on the mess and by implication Mom because she felt she had caused it being the one who was there at the time. Give her a big hug and tell her it was an accident unless she is narsissistic and you hate her guts. you can even tell her the pastor said something to you that made you very upset before you got home and the flood was the last straw. A break would be an excellent idea could you buy mom a week in AL or somewhere if she needs supervision. many hugs.

Constant that pastor had no right to say those things to you-he was no help what so ever and if you do decide to respond I would tell him just how I felt about what he said and that it was of no help to you.

Our Office for the aging is changing it's name I think Office for Senior Recourses instead of solving real problems like having a ditzy Director they put their time into doing something meaningless it figures.

Constant, perhaps it would be better to get your therapy from your brothers and sisters who are also going through trials - i.e. us! - and avoid lectures from people who haven't the foggiest idea what they are talking about.

It is, having said that, very true that there are always (almost) blessings to be counted. That there are always those less fortunate than ourselves. That "The Scale Of Things" can be a consoling perspective when we are feeling overwhelmed. All these and other comforts we find out for ourselves by doing what we do, and by sharing our experiences with others.

I don't think "pull yourself together and don't be so self-centred" was a very Christian piece of advice. Find a better pastor, one who doesn't tell members of his flock to quit worrying about their sore hoof and keep up with the others.

Constant~I agree with everyone else regarding your pastor. I left my church because of feeling beaten down by the pastor and parishionors who said tough up, suck it up.

Austin~I am sorry about your brother. His wife sounds like she has some issues with herself as her only priority. I hope you are able to talk with your brother.

Joan~Your wedding plans sound very lovely. I am so happy for you and G.

Regarding Ethen, I didn't know he was a relative when I first got involved with his facebook page. His mother is a cousin on my husbands side of the family. None of the Cali family has ever her or Ethen. Again, it is happening at a distance.

The good news is, Tuesday, we will find out the genders of the babies!! I have the pink and blue M&M's ready (wow, ordering M&M's in specific colors, even in 7 oz. bags, are very expensive). I had to order regular size M&M's as they don't sell the mini's. I got 2 7oz bags of each color ahead of time to reduce stress of waiting for the shipment. We are going with a yellow and green theme since it is a co-ed gathering.

I pruned all the roses in mom's backyard yesterday, watered front and back. There was not enough room in the waste can to prune the front and pick up will not be until May 6th for yard waste. It looks like we will sign final papers next week. The new owners will have to deal with the front yard and I should not have to go over there again to do yard work. It took about 4 hours to do what I did yesterday.

My backyard....well, it is better but still needs a lot of work,LOL!! Tiger is on lock down because he was refusing to come in the house at night or to come in to eat. I brought him in and his right front paw was hurting, nothing serious that needs vet attention, but Tiger has a low tolerance to pain. He is a big baby, but my big baby.

Have a good day everyone, take some time for yourselves.

Shary you are good to do the yard work for a house you are selling-yard work is not easy-I have done lots this spring.

Hi Everyone! Wow! I can’t keep up. I was up at 5:30 a.m. thought I’d say “Hi with coffee.” Nope, had to come back later, & there was lots! Started again & “oops!,” tried again, “Nope!” So now @ 5 p.m. wanted to touch base & try to make some connections. *smile* Okay, here is what I’ve gotten since this a.m.
Hugs to All! ~ Bugga’s Mom

195Austin ~ I enjoyed reading your post. When I got to the part “the sky will not fall” I instantly got this mental image of Chicken Little, which made me smile. It does feel like the sky will fall sometimes, I must remember not to sweat the small stuff.
I hope you are able to contact with your brother, as he knows you love him and he loves you too. It is nice to have siblings who love each other. I hope your sil (sis-in-law?) realizes she will reap what she sows.

AlisonBoBaliston ~ Hi Alison it is nice to meet you! 
Aw, I hope Bug & I make you laugh more than cry. I just wanna hug you right now! Music, visual arts, literature, and nature are a BIG part of our daily lives. She is singing now. A little song called, “Can You Feel the Sunshine.” She found it on YouTube. It is good to hear a kind words about my Bug. But, I can go on too much about her because I never get to. Today we will share a Huge “HUG” & “Thank You!” from us both.

Sharynmarie ~ I think having the ability you do and a degree in plants/agriculture is outstanding. I couldn’t grow anything if my life depended on it. Photography, landscaping, plants, are grand talents to have! I absolutely love gladiolas but could never grow them. We have some sort of roses in our front yard that do better when I leave them alone! (Ha-ha-ha) It’s amazing how much talent it takes to plan & grow a garden. *Hugs & Sunshine to You!*

Emjo ~ Congratulations! Wishing you much happiness on your up and coming special day!

Exhaustedmama ~ Hi, What a hard time for both you and your mom. Sending Prayers, Hope, and Hugs to you both. I feel for you having a drug/alcohol addicted sibling. We had 1 of those. Yep…He is passed on now, I’m not even sure how long. Like everyone has said, let your mom decide what she wants and go with it, making sure the (possible) visit is supervised. It is the way things should have gone when my dad passed, but didn’t. Addiction took our family to a new level of Dante’s Inferno. It sounds like you and your mom have held strong together so far. Bless you both & Hugs.

Whippedat56 ~ Hi! I’m new at forums too! I found a really warm welcome with sound words of advice, and encouragement here. I am sure you will too. Many have wise, helpful words to share here. I am glad you made it! *Hugs*

ConstantNurse ~ Hi ConstantNurse, How mean your Pastor said such a hurtful thing! People are supposed to support one another? What a shame. My Grandma said, “A true Christian isn’t just a Christian at church, but everywhere.” She said, “You can pray, and get in the spirit anywhere, and you can sin in church same as at home.” My Grandma lived down an old coalmine holler, in a coalmine company shack in the 30’s & 40’s. They say she didn’t always get to go to church like she wanted, but she knew her Bible, and was always helping people. Today, I think people have to live it to understand it.
I sure hope your mom is okay. Did the car accident do something to her to cause her to go into a fog? How is your dad with the nursing staff? My Aunt Billie worked in a Retirement Home for years; she passed away many years ago now. She used to have patients that were quite mean to their family, but okay to the staff, or visa versa. Hugs & Hope your mom can get to feeling better herself soon!

Bookluvr ~ Hi! We are avid books readers here too! Mostly classical literature, but we do mix-it up. I don't know if it's the vinegar that broke you out or not. (Maybe too acidic?) Bugga takes Clairton, w/ Zantac. The Allergist said the Zantac was also good for allergies. She carries an allergy pen. We get the Zantac at the Walmart right off the self now. It seems to work.
My oldest was bad allergic to “everything,” except mold. He stayed sick with sinus/migraine headaches, sore throat, threw up, ear aches from spring to winter. It always looked like he was crying. He took Zyrtec, but it didn’t help all the way. He use to flush his sinus with a saline solution. He said it hurt at first, burned, but helped. “Finally,” he gave in & got the allergy shots. It took like a year, maybe closer to 2 years, and they helped. No more allergies! His med. Insurance covered the shots (HMO), I don’t know if all do or not.
I sure feel for you having allergies. My son suffered from the time he was little until he was 16, when he got the immunizations; he is 27 now.
*Hugs* & Good Luck!

Hope everyone has a restful, happy weekend!
"Can You Feel the Sunshine, as it brightens up your day?"
Bugga's Mom

Austin~Thank you. When we place mom last year, I took over the pruning of the roses as I discovered mom's yard service was using electric clipping/shears. That is fine in itself because the roses will still bloom, however, I noticed that the roses were producing 5-6 buds at the end of the canes. This was a bushy effect and most of the buds did not mature. The new owners will only have to prune the front which not as time consuming as the back.

Buggasmom~I can't work in the field of my degree as I have developed lower back and knee issues and working as a garden landscaper 8-10 hours a day 6 days a week...would really do me in, LOL!! Being stooped over or down on my knees for 8 hours is much to painful. When I was in my 20's and 30's it was fine. If I had money to have my own company with other's doing my design plans, that would work, but we can only dream.The photography is a basically a novice talent and I unfortunately have had to put on the back burner 2 years ago due to my mom progressing with the Alz and needing more help. If any of you are interested, you can google sharon'sgems. It will bring up Flickrsharon'sgems photostream and you can view my photo's on flickr without becoming a member.

Hang in there everyone, and most important, find time for yourself.

Hi Everyone. Too tired to read. Well, I did read but it's not registering in my brain. Father is in the stage of waking up in the middle of the early mornings like 3am or 4am or 5am. He always thinks that it's daytime.

Bugga, I can no longer take Benadryl allergy. It now causes me to break out of rashes on my lips. So, I can no longer take Comtrex, Sudafed and now Benadryl. And if it's not breaking out with rashes and swelling eyes, then it's stomach pains from the pills. Hence my now turning to Apple cider vinegar and honey. I think I will cut down the dosage on the vinegar.

I'm going to have come here when I'm well rested and re-read everyone's post. I was reading but it sure wasn't registering. Later...

Book~Sorry you are dealing with the allergy season. Because I love tomatoes, when I was around 8 years old, I would eat whole tomatoes like an apple. I broke out all around my lips with a rash. Take care of yourself and come back when you are feeling better. Hugs to you!!

Spring here is so unpredictable. Today rain, tonight back in the 40's...Monday is expected to be 75 and Tuesday..85. When it heats up here, allergies get worse as the pollen count gets higher. Allegra works best for me but it comes in 12 hour dosages which I don't like. I am weird as I like 4 hour dosages best.

Tonight I spoke with a friend of mine who's mom has dementia. The mother lives in one of the Latin American countries, and my friend lives in the U.S. She was telling me that her sister lives w/the mom, and she has two brothers that switch hours to help the live in sister. It really sounds like at least her brothers are involved. That's great, and how rare.

So I started to tell my husband about what she'd shared about her mother's dementia. I said something about my mom and her ALZ. He said to me, "Your mother doesn't have ALZ." Honestly, sometimes I just don't understand where the heck he's coming from, w/regards to my mother's ALZ. His comment made my hairs stand on end. I responded, "What are you talking about?" She has ALZ.
He tried using the info. I'd told him about my friend and mother's dementia, such as a comparison of some kind. No. 1. He doesn't know this woman's mother.
The next thing I said to him wss, "What do you know about dementia or AlZ?"
He then said, he knew some things, because he'd read it on the internet.
My husband is not the supportive type. If he is.....it's in a very general way.
Anytime, I've tried telling him of certain things mom does, in essence really a display of the decline associated w/ALZ, it really p**ses me off, the attitude he has. He tries to explain it away, and behaves as if he knows my mom better than he really does. He met her about 11 yrs., ago. At that time I'd recently moved out of her household, because that battle ax was living w/her, just after dad died.
I left because I really could no longer live there under the same roof w/mom & her sister. So really, my husband didn't have that much contact w/my mother.
So I do not understand his comments current day, and they really annoy me.

Margeaux

Margeaux, it's another form of denial. If your mother has Alzh, then, you should be helping. Since she doesn't have Alzh, then there's no need for you to be there helping your sister. Or some other reason he might have for his denial to acknowledge your mom has Alzh. Or .. It could be that if your mother has Alzh, then that means YOU might get it, too. Therefore, Your mother doesn't have Alzh. How does one try to educate someone on the current events when they insist on keeping their head under the sand?

Margeaux. Is it possible that your husband does not want to know more about ALZ/dementia because he is begining to feel the early stages himself? or is he simply the self absorbed older male who des not want the surface of his small pond to be disturbed? Sorry if you are having to deal with this I so recognize the feeling of instant pain and frustration when faced with these negative comments. Daily life round here I am afraid. Is there also depression and memory loss involved followed by frustration and blaming?

Margeaux, Veronica and Book have offered something for any of us that struggle with relationships. My sibs are in denial as are some other family members. As long as they deny the disease, they do not experience he guilt associated with not helping, it is their survival mode. Initially in my situation only one sister was exhibiting rather bizarre behavior towards the situation, now lucky me it is both sibs and an aunt, oh and don't forget a child.

I had a discussion with another family member two years ago probably about the possibility of dysfunctional sibling may be in early stages of dementia. And it isn't only behavior as the indicator, but showing up at the wrong hospital to visit, forgetting about picking mom up to go somewhere, and other things. I know the start of this disease scared the heck out of my mom, to say nothing of the rest of the family. I'm sure it is the same for most everybody. Thank goodness, I do not seem to have a problem with memory, so far.

Hi all - no hot water here there morning! Aaaargh! A cool shower is NOT a good start for the day. I suppose I will have to move to another room.

Austin - hope the aging office doesn't get worse. Sometimes you wonder what they do. Sorry about your bro and sil but glad you can see him sometimes.

Sharyn - thanks about the wedding - seems a long way off in the face of dealing with mother stuff. I shouldn't be arranging a wedding around my mother's needs once again. Good for you for pruning the roses. Watch out for Allegra. Some people have a really bad time coming off it. I did and switched to Claritin. I am glad you have clarified with your sis that you will not take care of her. That would pretty well ruin your life. They have such a sense of entitlement!

hi bugga - thank you. Missed your story along the way. I have worked with challenged kids - very rewarding. So many were very loveable. We can use more of that quality in this world.

book - hope you are feeling better and the diluted stuff still helps (((((hugs)))) sore sinuses are nasty. Mine have been bad and I walked for blocks the last few days and they are better - go figure. You are right about the denial.

Margeaux - frustrating when you are not understood/accepted. Some people will just not accept the truth. Sis says mother has a few emotional problems but after all she is over 100. Mother's emotional problems have been there all her life. She would not be in a psychiatric hospital if it was just a few little problems. Rarely G does that about other things - mostly he is pretty good but I set him straight fast when it happens.

Veronica - I am sorry denial is part of your daily life. You are wise to mention the other factors. At our ages, Alz or other dementias can be showing.

glad - your sibs as with my sis - denial all the way, which enables the dysfunction. I have a child with it too, (who is actually doing well these days but who knows for how long) and had an aunt - passed now. Had a few run-ins with her. What you mention about your dysf sib could easy be the beginnings of dementia. Scary thought.

the laptop is behaving today so I will not stretch my luck and continue on another post

I was going to arrange a meal with friends here for G and I, but I am tired today so giving it a pass this time.

I went through mother’s closet and found only a few things that may be washable. The rest is silk, pure wool etc. and definitely not washable. Bought a warm looking plush type throw instead of a comforter - not as bulky - and dropped the lot off and a cheque at the hospital. Signed papers and gave a cheque to the Hearing Aid people so that can proceed. I took a pair of old slacks of mother's so I can measure the inseam, in case I buy some for her and have them shortened. Wish I had had a tape measure on me. Frankly, I very much doubt she would wear anything I buy, anyway.

Found a problem at the store where I bought the throw. They don't like taking cheques, and I think that is pretty universal now -especially for POA and I have an out of town address. Maybe I can get a second credit card on mother's account for such things.

Mother forgot that the hearing aide person had come and raised a major fuss, so they brought the person in again - at additional cost. I don't like that as mother is manipulating with her anger as usual, and they are falling for it. It means she can get mad, and they will jump and ask how high on the way up. Hopefully that will get old for them fast. They are so concerned with keeping her calm. I call that codependent. She is unable to stay calm - due to the BPD. It really makes me wonder about their training in this area. Yes, do what you can to keep her calm and feeling safe - within reason. This concerns me, as if she gets into her "emotional state" again at the new place she goes to - and she will - you can count on that - their answer may be to pacify her and move her again. I will have to meet with them again, and point this out and ask whose problems they are solving by doing this? Not hers, really, and certainly not mine!!! It is like a geographical change for an addict, which just postpones the problem. I did point that out to them and will again. Does anyone else see this or is it just me?

I have decided to take pictures of mother's apartment, so who ever consults with her about the move can have her point out/mark on the photos the furniture etc. she wants with her. There are a few larger pieces that I can dispose of already as they will not fit. I know she will not be happy with what I do, regardless, so I just have to proceed with common sense and caution. I will get rid of what I am sure she cannot use, and then store the rest, and dispose of what she doesn't want when we move her.

I cannot see how I can sell stuff from the ALF. You cannot have people wandering through a ALF looking at things, I wouldn't think. I will ask my contact there about it. So all extra may have to go to charity.

Any suggestions about this two-phase move are welcome. I am trying to look at the bright side. She has less than she had the last time. We have the experience of the last time, so I am more ruthless than I was. Gary will help, of course and so will the lads staying with us, if necessary, and probably my godson. If it is easier, I will hire the elder mover and a moving company, and mother will pay for it.

Now to contact the ALF about terminating mother's lease, and her financial advisor about adjusting how many $$$s he puts in her account monthly. And they wonder why I don't want to move her any more. :p I suppose I should cancel her cable and at least suspend her telephone and set them up again once she is moved. Think that covers the bases for now.

Have a good day everyone. Do something good for you!!!!

Enjoying the first day ans NIGHT away in a year and a half! Friend is letting me use her condo on Lake Dillon, with two of my children and one grandparent joining me. Even with them here it is so quiet and peaceful.

NOT GRANDPARENT! Grandbaby!

Happy for you, gad. Enjoy!!!

Margeaux~Your hubby sounds similar to mine. I think it is that they really don't want to hear bad or what they feel is negativity or complaining. Usually my hubby just tunes me out. It is frustrating to say the least.

Joan~My sis is truly convinced that her employer will hire her back full time. I think deep down she knows they are fazing her out slowly, but holds on to the idea that if she goes to work everyday and works hard, they will see her benefit in a full time position again. Her situation is similar to mine with 5 hours of commute time a week but she gets less hours than I do. She has the option of working her 20 hours anyway she wants.

Glad~The beginning of dementia can be scary. My hubby denied it when his grandmother was showing signs. It took a long time for him to accept it and I don't think he did accept it until she had been placed in a nursing home and a year later, she quit talking. When that happened, he quit visiting saying she was already gone.

Have a good day everyone.

Here at work. Complaining coworker at it again. She was off yesterday and i did her job and mine. I never filtered the type of fryer they have at 5his store. I guess i did it wrong! Complainer is pitching a fit, "whoever did this broke my fryer"...i said," the whoever that did this was me, i never filtered this type before so i did the best i could. A customer wanted a card with phone # for future cake orders. I go in the bakery/deli managers office and ask if she has a business card that a customer wants it. Yes i am pissed about complainer so i give card to customer tell the manager i am going on a break. OMG!! When i came back, complainer is oh Sharyn, i am so sorry, i didnt mean to upset you and T the b/d manager told her i asked for a business card and walked out to make a phone call!! I said no, a customer wanted the card and i took a break...good GOD, peple get a grip

Margeaux, my mom is gone as well. Sisters have a very difficult time with that.

It has been an absolutely crazy night! First mom's hubby called to tell me he was going to send the caregiver home. Why? Because mom was mad at him for not making her leave. Wrong thing to do, mom is a lot stronger than he is. Told him do not do that, he didn't but then it was followed up by three or four phone calls from mom, that he had to help her with because she cannot use the phone any more. Then he tried to explain to mom (wrong thing to do) that the caregiver was there to help her. Naturally, she thinks she is perfectly fine and doesn't need her help. Boy oh boy, is she angry with me. She tells me THIS IS MY HOME, DON'T YOU EVER DO THIS AGAIN, and on and on. She usually goes to bed about 6:30, caregiver says the voices in the bedroom finally stopped about 9. Mom will be exhausted tomorrow for sis to take her to church, may not even go would be my guess. But that is sis's call. Tomorrow night back at home, and mom should be absolutely exhausted.

It's been a stressful night. That response should have been to Sharyn, but then what am I thinking, it is really to all of you. My good friend's that understand how difficult this job is.

Thank you!

Glad- sorry you are having a stressful night. Take care and rest.

Because my mom's dog is prone to yeast infections on the skin around her private area..I did some research about probiotics for dogs. Sure enough, it helps with yeast infections for dogs and the people version helps women as well. I am going to a probiotic from petsmart to see if it helps prevent her infections. May do more research to see if it helps with UTI'S.

My earlier rant regarding work got worked out but it left me wondering about my new Dept manager such as is she an over reactor by running to my co-worker like she did, a stirrer of the pot, or was she trying to let my co-worker know that she needs to not flip out without pissimg others off?

When my dad was in a NH, he got to the stage where he sat and slept most of the time. During one of my visits, he would not wake up after 20-30 minutes of trying to get a response out of him, I leaned over gave him a kiss and said "Dad, I am going to leave now, I will be back in a couple days". As I walked away from my dad, he said,"Don't. go!" I was so touched by his reaction. I.sat down immediately and we talked for about 20 minutes before he started withdrawing into sleep again.

Last night I had a dream about my parents house. Both my parents were there and both had Alz. This dream house had an attic that I snuck into. My parents were there...laughing saying we knew you find your way in here. As I looked around the attic, I saw everything my parents ever had over the years of growing up in this house. I started weeping and my dad held my in his arms and we seeped together. Very significant dream