notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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With my example, my religion doesn’t believe we should seek therapy. This was told to me over and over when I was about age 23. That was about 25 years ago. If we need help, then we seek it from within. 2 years ago, I became seriously suicidal. I came on here asking for help. At the same time, I spoke to my caseworker about my suicidal thoughts. She helped me to find a therapist. I did not tell my spiritual this at all for over a year. My conscience bothered me and I finally told him. Oh, he frowned. And I knew that even now, 24 years later, my religion still was against this. I got angry and told him everything – what I wanted to do. He realized how bad it got. But… A year later, as in this year, on one of his visit, he finally told me that if I still need to seek therapy outside of our religion, then it’s okay. It’s still frowned upon, but it’s okay if I must.
YOU know where you are at with life, the stress and your mom. If you need a better source of therapy than what your pastor is providing, then you are at a crossroad. Just as I had to make that decision. You do what you need to do. If you cannot find it with your religion, then it’s time to seek outside help.
::: As I was growing, my red hair turned brown and then dark brown. Now, at my age, it’s changing colors again. This time to gray.
::: It’s so nice to read about your upcoming wedding. I was trying to visualize it in my head. I like to read some good news here on AC.
Austin – too bad about SIL. I like your brainstorming ideas on how to see your brother. I hope you succeed.
Glad – yay! You got time off. And to be able to spend it with your children and grands. Too bad you just had a stressed out night.
Sharyn,I don't know which is which. But, I'd be careful also around your Dept manager. About your dream, don't you hate it when it's so real, and then to wake up and realize it was just dream? {{Hugs}}
Sharyn - sorry abut the work issues. I hope you get back to your old store. That dream was quite something. I used to have a lot of dreams about houses. Your sis really is in denial about her situation!!!
glad - too bad you had so many interruptions on your break (((((hugs)))))
having brunch with G this morning - when he can tear himself away from the horses. Oh well - keeps him fit and healthy. Didn't take pics of mother's place yesterday, as I was tired, so will try to do it today. I did have some sadness when I went there. The way of life she has lived for years is over She cannot cope with it any more. I am glad she is going into a mental health facility -she needs it, but sad that it has to be, Even having to have washable clothing as opposed to dry cleanable is quite a change. She loves her silk blouses and pure wool sweaters.
I am still not over that flare up - have some sweating at night which is a sure sign. Probably should go back on the pills. I will check with the specialist. Better try to get a bit more sleep.
Have a good day everyone and do something good for you.
Alzheimer's”{by Bob DeMarco at 10/21/2012 12:13:00 AM} got me
to think about my conversation skills.
I read so many posts in discussions where folks are having problems
with families not communicating with each other.
I am trying to make myself validate the person words and reply, “If I
understand you correctly, (and repeat my statement and ask is that
right)?”
Words of wisdom paraphrased on Retirees NewsBasket blog.is a model I
am trying to work this in to my own speaking habits.
While the other person is talkin Do not formulate your answer while
the other person is talking.
People who don't listen decide how they are going to respond before
you even stop talking. Don't be afraid to pause for five or ten
seconds to consider the what the person is saying
Doing so demonstrates that you listened carefully and that you are
giving them the courtesy of a thoughtful reply. If you actually give a
thoughtful reply, no one will remember that it took you nine seconds
to start talking
Validate what the person is saying before you answer
Try not to make the mistake of taking five minutes of a {person's} time
answering a something s/he did not say. First, paraphrase the point by
validating.
Allow the other person to clarify what they are saying.
Try to start your answer when you are 100% certain you understand what
the person is saying.
WOW! Now am I understanding correctly? Are these ALF's supposed to be doing some of the things they're trying to make you feel that this is your responsibility?
Like passing the buck? How wonderful this person that told you that there are people your age in the ALF. I'd say that by saying something like this, they're basically implying that you're not up for the job. A job THEY should be doing.
You hear this a lot, of NH's, ALf's falling way below the standard of care.
Honestly.....it's like your between a brick wall also, since it appears that they are dragging their feet having your mother go through long periods of diagnosis,
and really beating around the bush w/the fact that she does need to have some attention paid to some workable medications. Needless to say.....there's a lot of lack of cooperation going on here.
Hugs,
You're in my thoughts! Margeaux
You hit the nail on the head about our husbands.
My husband doesn't want to hear anything bad, and actually in his case.....he was a favored child in his own family. He had a stay at home mother, when he was a kid. I was the little mommy in my family, so he doesn't have a clue on that front either. Then in my husband's case.....he just doesn't really know enough about ALZ, the caregiving. This is why I come here, w/like minds and spirits.
But usually, I don't just come out and respond to him in this way......but that day my nerves were a bit on edge, and I just had to put him in his place about his opinions.
I had a conversation w/him last night along those lines. He can get assuming at times thinking that because I live w/him....I think like he does, or react to issues in the same way he does. Last night I politely explained to him, that, "No." I mean we are married, but we're not siamese twins, my darling. But much of this for me,
stirs up invalidation of my own feelings......something I'm very familiar with from my own parents.
Thank you so much for understanding,
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Thank you so much for you post.
I'm definitely going to read this article.
I go through this constantly, with some of the people I have to deal with
constantly. Yes, many people just do not have any listening skills, whatsoever.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
How exciting a wedding. The way you want your's is very good. I'm all about keeping it simple. When my husband and me took vows we didn't have a big anything. We had one of our personal friends who could perform it, and just did it one Friday afternoon on the beach at Sunset. We only had two other people there who would serve as witnesses, and that was that. It sure caused an uproar w/some of husband's friends. They behaved and became offended, when my husband sent them some pictures of us. But these so called friends of his, some are actually acquaintances. The really used the fact that we didn't spend $$ on a big wedding, as a comparison, of the show and tell they like to do about occassions. They like to think they're rich, and all of that. My friends, and family didn't have an issue w/it whatsoever. Besides, I'm w/you, a wedding should be as intimate as possible. Many times I think people end up inappropriately inviting too many people that shouldn't even be there anyway.
Oh, If I lived out your way, I could do those alterations for you.
Congratulations!
Hugs, Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Yes it could be denial.....however in his case it's a real lack of awareness.
No...I really don't think that he has an issue w/my going there to help my sister.
Even if he doesn't know all the webbing my sis does to me (I don't tell him details),
but he's encouraged me to go see mother, regardless. His mother died years ago,
so he does have that awareness. So that's a good thing!
About the part about.......according to you, he thinks I may get it.
There's a saying in one of the languages he speaks, which translates to "May no negativity/energies visit my home, and may peace prevail." So that's what I think of that.
Thanks for your input,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
No, to the first part. "May no negative/energies visit my home, and may peace prevail." He just doesn't have good listening skills, whatsoever. My husband has a big ego too, he's a fire sign. Then once he has an opinion, he feels like he has to advertise it. He doesn't understand the concept of, "silence is golden." Especially when only understands something in a very superficial way.
Thank you,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
It helps me to meditate, step back, observe, and try to see the Divine stage: what roles will I play today? How will I handle this script? What are the potential paths for MY spiritual growth here (not changing anyone else)? I am determined to find the hidden blessings in all moments. I am determined to step back and see the humor. I chant all day long, "God is rooting for me. He is blessing me." When I am angry with the elder parent: I think, "Lord, I am having trouble accepting this. I can stand up for myself, I can kindly make boundaries, I can offer help, but YOU are the doer. Let YOU speak more through me. Take my pain away. It doesn't belong to me.
We all must find our way through the dysfunctional jungle to emerge out of it with love and compassion. But I had to take a plastic bat to my couch, rant and rave in private, and here first! It is getting better. I see my mother's mental problems and realize they don't have to be mine anymore.
Sorry to hear about allergies giving some of you grief. Sometimes a little rain fall is good, maybe it will wash away some of the pollen.
Co-workers can be total grumble-dorfs. There's gotta be at least 1 bad apple in the bag. The good apples make the difference.
I don't think people can truly understand unless they have lived it themselves.
I found no one believes my mom can turn like a mad dog. Then there are those people who tend to believe everything they research explains it all. Boy howdy that's not so. Everyone is different, I would think that would be true of Alz. patients symptoms &/or behaviors too, as it is in other disorders/diseases.
All patients are different.
Book lovers unite! I don't sleep if I don't have a "something" to read. Anything will do, TV Guide, or an Archie comic out of desperation. Now I can download books on my tablet from the local library anytime. I even like audio books. I like anything except romance. Right now reading another Dean Koontz. I read Temple Grandin, and Tom Sullivan's books are good too. Clive Barker is one of my favorites, he is also an artist. The last series I read was the "Hunger Games" series, and John Saul's "The Blackstone Chronicles." I read to Bugga all of the time. She just finished "Old Yeller," & "Island of the Blue Dolphins." She is reading off the MENSA reading list.
DaveIFM ~ Hi, & thanks for sharing the article to read in your post. Am heading over to read it...
Had a question to ask, but put of time. I want to read that article while I can. Early to rise & all...
Hope to all, the sun shines on you tomorrow and warms your day.
Hope my phone doesn't ring tomorrow.
Hugs 2 U All!
Bugga's Mom
Bugga's mom
This is embarrassing. My dad marvels how fast I fall asleep every night. He says that I just lie down, and then I’m sleeping. Bugga, I, too, find that reading in bed knocks me out. BUT, if I was to read my regular books, I get so carried away with the story, that I do Not want to sleep. I think last week, I was reading up to 2am. I needed to get up at 630am to go to work. My “sleeping pill” to fall asleep instantly is …. to turn on the Kindle and read here on AC! If I wake up at 4am, I turn on the Kindle, hit news feed, and just reading one or 2 paragraphs, and I’m knocked out.
Our tastes in books differ so much. I would love to read Dean Koontz but I find it too scary and violent. Then I’m scared of my shadow for a week. And I get nightmares. I read the more lighthearted books like Ilona Andrews, Patricia Briggs, Annette Blair, Stephanie Bond, Chloe Neill, Madelyn Alt, Juliet Blackwell. I don’t read romance unless it’s humorous or has some supernatural in it.
Glad, I guess your sister is thinking everyone’s like her – have a party for every stepping stone completed.
I just found time to read all of your very helpful responses. I actually did tell my pastor that I was hurt by his comments. and that I don't feel I have a church family.
I am thankful that I have a group of people who are walking the same path that I am and understand the struggles.
Mom was not badly injured in the accident, but she had multiple myeloma a couple of years ago and has never come all the way back mentally.
I'm very happy to hear that you got this time away.
But I am sorry that your calm got disrupted w/the phone calls from your mom's husband and everything going on there.
Wow! Your sister just doesn't let up does she?
What you wrote about she assuming you'd had a party when you graduated,
well something like this happened in regards to what I wrote to Emjo, about people in my husband's circle assuming we'd had a wedding......and they not being invited to it. HAAH! Well at the center of your sister's ideas, that she wasn't being invited to something, and even these nutty people (friends of my husband), at the center of it is THEM. It's not, "Congrats, to you that you graduated, and how hard you worked on your Master's." It wasn't that for my husband and me, that we were married. Boohoo, we didn't provide a party for these people. In my case we didn't provide a party for them to gossip about, because truth be told, that's what they're all about. They compete w/the Jones, and I just don't participate in any of that. That's telling that your kids didn't attend her son's graduation.
I hope for your sake that your mom is exhausted when you come home, that way you can rest.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
She'd ask me to go to her house and get something only a couple of days after one sibling had already been there picking up something else. I asked her why didn't she have him get these things when he was already there. "I didn't think of it." And she'd also say "your sister wants you to go to my house and pick up this thing, she can't do it, she's busy", then, " your sister wants you to go to my post office and pick up my mail she can't do it, she's busy." So I was taking orders from my sister too. (my sister lives halfway between me and our mother's house)
A couple of days before Christmas, she asked me to go to her house and pick up a few small items, that she "needed". My brother had been to her house picking up some things a couple of days earlier, why didn't she have him get the other things too while he was there: "I didn't think of it." I didn't do it the day she asked, so she spent Christmas week asking, are you going to my house and pick up my things? She told me my other brother went to see her, I said why didn't you have him stop at the house and pick up these things since he had to come that way anyway. Again, she didn't think of it. I went to her house to pick up the things the following week. One of the small items was in her purse. I said I'd bring the purse itself, she said no, don't bring the purse, she doesn't want it, there isn't anything else in the purse, she just wanted that one small item. So I didn't bring the purse. A couple of days later my brother told me that she asked him to go to her house and get her this purse. The same empty purse I said I would get for her only a couple of days earlier when I was there, that she insisted she didn't want.
Has anyone else experienced this? What is this? I feel like a performing monkey for her. It has brought me to tears sometimes.
This pastor does sound very insensitive, and definitely someone who hasn't been there and done that. You may want to find some other place to get real support for what you are going though, such as a group of caregivers who have the opportunity to share face to face in your community.
I hope you can figure out what is going on with your sink.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux