The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Once again I am not getting posts from AC members in my email

My family is also dysfunctional. At this time, though, I am taking care of mom and she is a blessing. My sibs are anther story. Mom was sick several times this winter and ended up getting run down. When I took her to the dr this last time she ended up in the emergency room, observation overnight, then to a skilled nursng home for rehabilitation. My sibs blame me. They somehow don't think I was caring for her--and I am a nurse! When I would ask for help my sibs and nieces ( they are in their mid to late 20s) no one seemed to have time. The last time I asked for help my sister said she would come the didn't do it and mom was really sick. They didn't seem to understand that she was sick and needed help. She is 85 and we get along well but how is it my fault when I have to work and can't get them to help me? I am so frustrated. Now they want her to live by herself without me. She isn't really capable of doing that. My sister wanted mom to move in with her but she has steep stairs that mom can't negotiate. Mom came up with a plan that we would get two separate apartments but next door to each other. I just don't think she is capable of being by herself. I don't know what to do. I just might have a "come to Jesus" talk with them meaning I will point out how ridiculous the reality is of what they want to do. In the mean time, mom and I are looking for another place to accommodate her needs. I am old eough to move with her to a senior tiered community. I am thankful I can sound off here since there is no where I can do that safely and keep my temper! Please pray for me. Thanks.

Hi Everyone,
Marqeaux ~ I'm sorry, I misunderstood your post about your husband's words. I understand now after reading your last post. I don’t know what I would do/feel in your shoes, but I like how you express yourself. Your posts get me thinking from a different perspective.
Austin ~ It is hard to know when to step up or how to step up in the right way. Especially in public. I feel I look like a jerk. My mom shouts things like, "I'm old! Don't be mean to me!" Out of the clear blue, leaving me dumb-founded. (This is mild, I had a lot more, but it was long.) When I start, it takes over the day. I am tired; misery loves company. I find my "fear of offending" transfers to other people in various situations. Yet, people don't seem to care to if they are rude or hurtful. I get snotty remarks, & dirty looks all the time over my mom’s antics. Any suggestions is most appreciated.

I really liked the article on communication. Helpful every day in many ways!

Have a Great Day & good lunch!
Good news! My boy is coming home in June!!!!!
Bugga's Mom

Bug I had a light bulb moment with my mom the last vacation we took with her-I had told her that if anything bothered her in the motel room-tell me and I will fix it-well I had the ac on and she went ballistic about that as usual and I just turned it down and said to myself-she does not hurt me with her verbal abuse I do not deserve her treatment when all I and others do to accommodate her wants and needs and from now on she will lose her power to hurt-it feels like when I was a kid and she beat me-and now she will not have her power to hurt me anymore-she can yell till the cows come home and I will not care-she got sick on that trip and died soon after.

Bugasmom,

No problem. I gather several people maybe didn't understand by their posts.
I'm glad I got you thinking, and that's what's exciting about coming here.
We all come from different backgrounds. So it would make sense that we see things differently, so that can be refreshing. How's your daughter?
How's your mom doing, I hope she's calmed down some.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Buggasmom,

Oh.....I didn't see the post to Austin,
O.K., w/dock in later, as I've some things hanging in the wings over here.....
chores.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

It is good to thank God every day-it is he who gets us through each day-and without killing those we care for-tha t should say without us killing them-I was in the black hole often and you guys and God got me out-he sends good people to AC..

Shary that sounds like a nice dream-I never have good ones but after 5 yrs. the nightmares have stopped but that is probably because I am so happy with my sweet guy now.

Phoenix, Austin's idea is a good one. But make sure mom has paper and pencil to make out a list! Tell her what day you will stop by there and to have the list complete when you are going. With my mom this would happen because of Alzheimer's. She wouldn't remember she was to be making a list. She would not know what she needed. Probably the only thing she would worry about is that darn purse which I hear about 20 times a day. Did I leave it somewhere? Have I lost it? Where is my purse? She hasn't carried it in seven years because early in the disease she was afraid she would leave it somewhere. Strange how those brains work, or don't

Margeaux,
Thank you. Yes same thing, no wedding party, no graduation party, no housewarming party and all the narcissists think they have been intentionally left out when there is nothing to get upset about. And keeping up with the Jones, interesting thought, maybe sis is trying to set an expectation on how all parties should be? Who the heck knows, she always had to be better than everyone else, and made sure they knew it.

Margeaux, and thank you for the congrats!

Phoenix, I agree with Glad and Austin about setting particular times when you run errands for your mother and telling her that's when you're bringing in any little bits of shopping or things that she wants. But, as Austin pointed out too, the important thing to remember to stop guilt creeping up on you is that NOTHING bad will happen to your mother if she hasn't got her small address book, or a particular vanity case, or whatever. It'll wait. She'll be fine.

My aunt always used to tell my grandmother to get lost (when she needed to) cheerfully and light-heartedly. Which meant she never got pushed into doing anything that didn't suit her, but my grandmother never gave her a hard time about it either. So: "did you bring my purse?" "Not today, no, you'll have to soldier on 'til next time."

It's always struck me - for those who can pull it off - as the ideal happy medium between getting run ragged and resenting it on the one hand, and being too hard on a perhaps forgetful or anxious older person on the other. My other aunt used to say no too, but she was never quite so nice about it. Whereas my mother couldn't have said no to her mother to save her life, and avoided her as much as possible - which wasn't ideal either.

Say "no" nicely. I think that's the moral?

margeaux - don't think they were implying I could not do the job. I was the one that made the point that that others my age were being helped, so that they would not assume that I could do this and that and the other. They asked for another cover for mother's bed as she was cold at night. It is a hospital, not an ALF or a nursing home. . I find it very hard to believe that they do not have more blankets there, but they wanted me to get one. Doesn't make sense to me, not the long period of diagnosis as you mention. Gary couldn't believe that they would keep her another 6 months. The psych doc said she wanted to get to know mother better. The diagnosis is clear - BPD, paranoia and some vascular dementia. I thin she is trying to develop a "theraoeut

margeaux - don't think they were implying I could not do the job. I was the one that made the point that that others my age were being helped, so that they would not assume that I could do this and that and the other. They asked for another cover for mother's bed as she was cold at night. It is a hospital, not an ALF or a nursing home. I find it very hard to believe that they do not have more blankets there, but they wanted me to get one. Doesn't make sense to me, nor the long period of diagnosis, as you mention. Gary couldn't believe that they would keep her another 6 months. The psych doc said she wanted to get to know mother better. The diagnosis is clear - BPD, paranoia and some vascular dementia. I think she, the p doc, is trying to develop a "therapeutic relationship" with mother. I don't think any of mother's conditions or the short time she will be there will allow for that to any useful degree. They will tryanother meds, but I can tell you Mother will use her and the social worker if they do not establish boundaries. Once mother is moved, she will have the staff where she lives and the community health team again and, I hope, the same community health psychiatrist. She was very good.

margeaux - don't think they were implying I could not do the job. I was the one that made the point that that others my age were being helped, so that they would not assume that I could do this and that and the other. They asked for another cover for mother's bed as she was cold at night. It is a hospital, not an ALF or a nursing home. I find it very hard to believe that they do not have more blankets there, but they wanted me to get one. Doesn't make sense to me, nor the long period of diagnosis, as you mention. Gary couldn't believe that they would keep her another 6 months. The psych doc said she wanted to get to know mother better. The diagnosis is clear - BPD, paranoia and some vascular dementia. I think she, the p doc, is trying to develop a "therapeutic relationship" with mother. I don't think any of mother's conditions or the short time she will be there will allow for that to any useful degree. They will try another meds, but I can tell you that mother will not take it, or not for long once she senses that it affects her mood. Mother will use her and the social worker if they do not establish boundaries. Once mother is moved, she will have the staff where she lives who can work wiand the community health team again and, I hope, the same community health psychiatrist. She was very good.

Oh dear, post in triplicate. Better take a break and let the computer cool off or whatever.

one point - phoenix - I agree with what everyone said - my mother does the same. It is narcissism where they want your life to revolve around theirs. They will drive you nuts asking for this and that, changing their minds, playing one off against the other. You have to establish limits as suggested above, and detach emotionally. Don't get sucked into the FOG - manipulation by fear, obligation and guilt. ((((((hugs)))))

My guess is that they have plenty of blankets but mother is insisting she needs her own.
Emjo you and I are of the age where we need some TLC and can not continue to give to others all the time.
As far as boundaries are concerned you have learnt to set yours so it's up to you whether you send a blanket or not. It won't be right whatever you do.
concentrate on the wedding and keeping fit for that.

thx Veronica. You may be right. I bought a plush throw that wasn't expensive and looked like it might survive high temp wash and dry. It can be her b'day present (May). I know there is no pleasing her.They wanted me to find 5-7 outfits for mother, from her closet, which would survive hot wash and dry. She hardly had one, which I took to them with the throw. No point I buying anything, as she wouldn't wear it. Yes, we need some TLC - that was my point. G went to her old apartment with me and said he would do the packing up and moving. All he needs is one other guy to help. He asked for mother's scooter when she doesn't need it any more to give to his parents who will need one soon. Done! We will move all her stuff to a heated storage unit. When they find a placement for her, we (G) will move the furniture she needs there and dispose of the rest. He said an estate sale/auction is a good idea and knows how to arrange that. We can bring down some things from here e.g. excess fine china to sell at the same time. G also wants to go to the next meeting with me to set them straight on a few things - like not to arrange anything that costs money without my approval. They had the hearing aide person come twice because mother forgot she came the first time and raised a fuss!!! They did not OK the second visit with me. My solution would be to deal with mother, but not bring the person out twice. G is a blessing with regard to the move. We need to set a date for us, and work around that. Priorities!!!

Buggasmom,

About the "fear of offending," and transferring to others......well yes.
I think this happens because you aren't an offender, you're polite and the other people also. I'm sure you probably take into consideration her illnesses, and I do mean the narcissism here.

Yes, unfortunately there are the other kind of people, who probably fall into the same category such as your mom. People ought to have the sense and I think that people who are more aware would not behave like snobs, nor give the dirty looks, either.

We had an aunt, mom's sister who used to go off in front of people, too saying bizarre things. It's best to try to ignore them as much as possible. I think they'd like a reaction out of us.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Good evening...Ha! Remember Alfred Hitchcock? I used to love that show!

Marqueaux,
Yes, my mom has calmed down some. Thank you for asking. Her blood pressure is a crazy thing. It goes "way" up & then drops "way" down - like a roller coaster. She gets those purple marks on her arms & hands, but I noticed they are starting to come on her face. I'm sure the beer she sneaks isn't helpful. She isn't suppose to eat leafy veggies, seeds, nuts are hard on her crones - she eats them all & a "ton" of greasy fried foods. Without her teeth.
I cooked her meals, got recipes from the Mayo Clinic, Living Well, etc. She threw them away. She does good as long as she takes her meds, eats, and doesn't drink beer. She only veers from that if she doesn't get her way. All her Dr.s (5 of them) say she should be doing okay right now medically, other than she needs a psy.

Austin,
I hope at some point my heart won't ache anymore. I get angry at myself for letting bad behaviors hurt, or embarrass me. I am sad you lost your mom. I know how my mom is, but I love her. I know at some point I will loose her; I will still miss her.

A day in the life of Bugga girl...still pacing. The dog is growling, so something is off outside. God Bless Thunder, he is a good dog. Bug cried today because of math. She has little long term memory. Most of what she learned in 1 Semester is gone. She is being tested on it this Friday.

Curie61~Prayers for you! We are here if you need support.
Phoenix03~agreed-boundaries and limits are needed. If you decide the item mom wants is not a vital necessity and will get it next time, don't worry if mom asks your brother to get it. It is not personal and really, she told you she didn't need it, and then went to brother for it...shows that she didn't want to bring it up to you after she already told you no. Let it go and set the boundaries to once a week or twice a month for running mom's errands that are not life threatening.
Joan~ I am wondering if it would be helpful to order the blankets, clothing online and have it sent to the facility your mom is living.Don't worry that it is not the quality she wants. Once she sees this is what she is going get, well, it is her choice to wear it or a hospital gown with her behind showing, ...(last part is for some laughs to reduce the stress)!!

Hang in there everyone, tomorrow is another day with new challenges, set the boundaries, Hugs!!

FYI, if the air is muggy, and you're sensitive to cigarette smoke and freshly mown grass, the natural remedy of apple cider vinegar, honey and water don't work at all. Today was bad. I'm now going thru full blow sinus/allergy.

I just remembered something today. After my first surgery, the hospital served apple juice. I haven't drank that since I was in elementary. I loved it. So, when I was released, I had sis buy a whole bunch of apple juice. After day 3, I was itching all over, and getting these big bumps on my thighs. I noticed that I would start scratching viciously after drinking the apple juice. Stopped drinking, it went away. Because I really do like apple juice, after months later, I tried drinking it again. Yes, after 2 days, I broke out again. That was the last time I drank the juice. I Can eat the fruit with no reaction - maybe because I only eat one apple and not several juices.

I have noticed that when I drink the apple cider vinegar mix, my torso starts heating up. I thought maybe I was going thru menopause. So, I googled ACV and heat. Yep, it does increase the body's temperature. It increases your metabolism, lowers your BP and cholesterol, etc...

I'm so miserable. It's only 825pm. I'm going to change dad's pamper early, shower in very hot water (unclog my stuffed face) and maybe sleep early. I've read all your posts with this pounding headache. It's mango season, typhoon season (several tropical depressions have gone by) and all that is working havoc on my sinus/allergy. Later...

Book-I hope ypu feel better soon. Take care of yourself.;

Thanks, Sharyn. Sinus pill worked a lot. Still stuffed but the headache is gone, neckache is gone (Salonpas worked). Now, I'm going to wind down before bedtime. Later..

curie61 - do you have POA financial and medical for your mother? If not it would be a good thing to put into place asap. Then you can decide where is best for your mum, when she cannot decide for herself. Unfortunately in dysf fams it often becomes a battle between sibs and no one benefits from that. I have been going through the same. I have POA and my sis decided she would move mother to a facility with poorer service, but which was cheaper. I intervened and mother is now in hospital being assessed and will be placed where her needs are best served. I understand your frustration. I do not expect any help from my sis and hope for no obstacles. Can you get your mum's doc to back you up that she cannot live alone anymore?

glad - my congrats too. I know how much work it is I was pregnant with my third when I completed my masters. How narcissistic of your sis to be offended by not being invited to a party that didn't exist. Amazing! Never occurred to me to have a party. I just breathed a sigh of relief.

Sharyn - I already ought her a plush "throw" for her bed and gave it to the sw. Mother will not wear anything I buy for her.I am convinced of that. And even if she would, pants would have to be shortened. She is 5'2" or less now, She wears dress slacks - dry cleanable - all the time. G says let her be and wear what she wants and is used to. She is very careful and does not soil her clothing in any way. Things could be sent for dry cleaning once in a while. We can bring that up with the sw. I hope in her new facility such things can be arranged. This is the problem with her getting more care. They want to do the same with everyone to make it easier for them. She is already wearing her own clothing and just wants more outfits, but I am reluctant to take in more good stuff for fear they will ruin it by washing it. I don't trust that they won't wash things.

book - sorry about your allergies. I know they are a nuisance and worse. Glad the meds are working. I take antihistamines all the time. Have you tried them?

Margeaux - a small beach wedding sounds wonderful and is what I really would like - told G years ago - barefoot on the beach with only a few people. He just looked at me. His parents couldn't handle anything like that, so I will go for a honeymoon with a beach and a wedding in a more formal setting and as simple as possible. I am concerned with him having 4 brothers and all their families in the area, that it may turn into a bigger "do" than I would ideally like, but I cannot refuse to have his family there. My "family" will be my kids. His family will be his parents and bros. and likely not his kids, Dysf fams - aaaargh!!!! Wish you could do the alterations!!!! Thx for the offer anyway. :)

Lots to do here at home - car service, dental appointments, alterations, drs appointments for my BP. I figure at my age if I have to go on BP meds I shouldn't feel bad about it. The poor dog was so happy to see me yesterday when I got home, he was doing "circles". I took him out for a walk later in the evening but he is quite big and lunges, so either I will have to train him or leave the walk to someone else. He wants to run free!!! I let him play in the back for a while. The lads don't shut the gate so he headed for it right away but I had closed it. G said he came home one day last week and found the gate open and the dog out wandering.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you.

Quick stop to check on everyone~
News has me worried...prayers for those in path of tornado / storm cells.
I really do not like this time of year. Mother nature sure can be furious, storms do scare me. Hope everyone & your loved ones are safe.

Book ~ Hope you feel better soon. I read an article that may be of interest to you, it is about allergies. I hope I'm okay posting it here, others may wish to read it too.
website: webmd/vitamins-and-supplements/lifestyle-guide-11/allergies-allergy?page=1
I asked my son, he sends his best wishes & says he understands your pain. He said to tell you he still uses the nasal irrigation. Even though he had the shots, he said, his allergies still will kick up, just not nearly as bad.
He said make sure I tell you about dryer sheets (unscented). Place them in your pillow case, & hook them across your air vents. I guess they help catch the other pollens as well as dust mites. (I didn't know that. I use them for dust mites & they work.)

HUGS!!!!
Bugga'sMom

Emjo-
I too just breathed a sigh of relief. Now I think I never should have spent the money, student loans and all because I had been laid off more than five years ago with a short 6 month stint with a company. That position was eliminated three weeks before I came here to help mom because her hubby had to have a hip replacement. When he was released from rehab he would not have been able to come home unless there was help here.

Book-today our temps are high for spring so allergies are worse. I am very congested today too. I am allergic to seasonal grasses that only grow in spring and again in the fall. When my son was young, we had to get a plastic matress cover and pillow cover. It just zips up and you put the sheets over the cover. It helps with dust mites too. I keep saying I am going to get a cool mist humidifier to try at night but I havent done it yet. Using the saline nasal sprys helps soothe the sinus membranes keeping them moist and is not addicting like the others can be.

Joan-I can understand G saying let your mom wear what she likes. Silk would not hold up well but if you can arrange dry cleaning that would be great. My mom dresses more casual so it makes it easier, but I prefer that she have the choice over her clothes as long as she can. I think it is good for her to make what little decisions she is able to at present.

It is 9 am here which means it is 10am in Idaho. I will know the babies genders in about an hour,YaY!!

A shout out to Glad, Buggasmom, Margeaux, Phoenix, Countrymouse, Veroncia,Curie, and everyone else. Hope I didnt miss anyone. Have a good day.

glad - I'm sorry it didn't pay off for you. Is there an chance you could use it in future? Mine did pay off as it qualified me for an instructing position at the college here and I worked for over 25 years at it.
Mother had a couple of hip replacements and the help needed was only
temporary. I was working, and my sis backed out at the last minute for the first one, so a cousin's wife came, but mother was OK after a few weeks. The second time she went to rehab for a while then had home care. I would/could not go and stay that long with her. The stress would have been too much. She would have wanted me to stay and look after her for ever! Sounds like your mum needed help too from about then on. Life choices!!! Hindsight is 20/20.

Sharyn - I think it would be very hard for mother to change her style of dressing. At some point she may not have a choice, but we will work to keep things as they are for her as long as possible. At her ALF she had someone do her washing for her and she knows what can be washed and what can't. Her clothing is important to her and she is not flexible. This is more for their convenience as far as I can see.

Austin-the dream I had was so vivid. Being able to hug him in my dream was really amazing. I am happy you are not having bad dreams anymore. You are so happy with your new man and deserve it. I am happy for you.