The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Emjo,

I had a good laugh with those three posts. Oh, I misunderstood your post.
What on earth is so hard about getting someone a blanket in a hospital?
In any case, just wanted you to know that you can do the job.

Oh....wedding plans! It was not easy when I decided that we were going to keep it very simple. At first.....my husband was the one who got al in a fuss, because he does love events. Someone, really that I had recently met, offered her place, which is a ranch, out of our city. I don't know why this woman did this, honestly, I think she just became swept up in the moment upon hearing we were engaged. My husband of course had the idea of having a bigger wedding. I do know that he I guess felt some pressure from his circle. But, his crowd is rather large. My family isn't exactly a small one. When I had to start beating my brain about who I was going to have to leave off the invitation list, this got too much for me. The cost of what my husband was thinking about was also too much. Anyway, at some point I decided that we just couldn't invite anyone, this way it would eliminate, who got invited and who did not. Even then....his circle got all in a huff, assuming we'd had a huge wedding, and they weren't invited.

I hope you can get around all of this, because it can become rather sticky.
But your plans sound absolutely wonderful, and so long as you can keep it really along the lines of what you and G want, great!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan I know the two of you can compromise about the wedding -for me it is so nice to be able to talk things through not like with the husband his way or know way. I know at our upcoming 55th HS reunion we will get questions about getting married but we will deal with it as it comes-most of our classmates who are still alive will be there from all over the US-we are lucky. because we live close to where we went to school. I did leave for college and for a while after and he was only away for the armed services.

Joan-i think it is important to keep somethings that ate important for parents. As difficult as they can be...they do need to háve some things so they feel more comfortable with everything else changing. I hope my poking fun regarding the hospital gown was not offensive.

Time to start speghetti sauce and work on a craft project for the reveal.

thanks marg and austin - I know I have to compromise to some extent to how he needs things. I am sure we will work it out. Thankfully my kids are very flexible and will fit in with whatever. We will see when we talk about it.

Sharyn - no offence at all. lol Mother's clothing may be one of the few things that can remain the same. The other thing will be having some of her furniture etc around. I think it is important too. We need to talk with the social worker about it.

I haven't spoken to my sister, in over a week. Ahhhhhhh! So nice and peaceful, not having to hear all her convoluted stories about who she's having disagreements with lately. That's always an ongoing event for her. She did call on Sal., and I let it go to voice mail. Then I received a call from my cousin. Apparently, my sister called her, (they've both been distanced from one another).
My cousin feels as I do in that she's grown tired of my sister trying to web her in,
to see if she'll be available to watch mom every now and again. This cousin also said, that in the conversation w/my sister......my sister was of course complaining about moi and my brothers, and how she has all the load of taking care of mother.
So, there you have it! She'll never ever give me at least some amount of credit,
"No," she just lumps me in w/my non-participant brother's, and that's that. So it's really a damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

I will be going to mother's probably tomorrow. I'm just going to show up over there,
not telling my sister of my plans as I have in the past.

Hope everyone's sinuses/allergies are calming down.
Just about everyone I know has been hit by this in some way.

Hugs to all!\
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan I am happy you were not offended. You are doing such a great thing for your mother, unfortunately your mom and sis will never see that. We see it though and so do many others. Hugs to you for all you do for your mother.

Margeaux~I totally get the d@mned if you do or d@amned if you don't. My sis tries hard at presenting this front that she is willing to compromise if my bro or I don't agree with her,...but I do know if push came to shove, she would pull her rank over us.

I had a conversation earlier today with my sis's youngest daughter. She is the one of her 2 daughters that while dysfunctional, is the most less self centered. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut, but I told her what is going on with her mother's health, the CHF, the job situation,etc. I told her that I will not be able to take her mother and that her mother is in denial about her situation, her pride is an issue. My niece not aware of the CHF, I told her that is progressive and not death sentence tomorrow as it can be controlled diet and meds. Maybe I did the wrong thing telling her the truth...but others need to know what is going on. Feed back is welcome..Hugs to everyone!!

I'm back, however, briefly. Mom still in the NH. I drove there recently and found out that it is 200 miles away, not 150 like I thought. Ugh. Who puts their mother so far away from them, like my relative did. Mom doing great.

brandy, glad to see you again. That's why you posted on the dysfunctional page.

marg - not speaking with the dysf sib really helps doesn't it? Yes dam*ed if you do and dam*ed if you don't - familiar territory! It is so hard to disengage from the dysfunction. I think it is good to do your own thing.

thx Sharyn - the professionals who care for mother give me good feedback as do you all and that helps. I think somewhere inside herself mother knows I am doing a decent job. My sis is another matter. I do think you did the right thing re your sis by telling your niece. Dysf fams keep secrets which end up hurting people. I think your sis is not telling people because of her denial, and denial does not make for good solutions to problems. Yes, others need to know -

which brings me to my next problem

Mother's address after the end of May will no longer be the same, and, practically speaking, it isn't the same now. Mother's Day and her birthday are in May and I think family should know her current address at the hospital so they can communicate with her if they wish to, and also that the staff are not allowing visitors. .
This, of course, has to include my sister. I do not wish to open up communication with my sister, but know I need to pass on such information and also, when the time comes and mother moves, her new address. Now, mother has asked for stamps, so she will be writing some people and probably telling them where she is, but I have no idea who.

Here are some options I have thought of.

1) I could send an email to her daughter (my niece) and ask her to inform the family in Scotland.

2) I could make up a "family group" in my email and send the message to this group. It is a little less personal that including my sis's email address.

3) I could ask one of my kids if they would inform the Scottish family. My middle son has already said he does not want to be more involved and I respect that. My oldest son or my daughter might do it.

4) I could ask Gary to do it. My sis and clan are not aware of the recent developments with G and I, but will become so eventually and need to accept that he is a family member who will be helping me with mother's business at times.

What do you think??? The more distance between me and my sis the better.

brandy -missed your comment. So glad that you saw your mum and she is doing well. 200 miles is quite a bit. Mother - by her choice - is a bit further than that and I don't want to drive it any more, so it is bus or plane.

Emjo,
I certainly understand the more distance between you and your sister the better. There are times, many times I wish I could do the same. But the way I handle it is let sisters know what is going on with mom whenever appropriate. Mom is receiving excellent care and it does not matter from whom. Mom is their mom too and while they cause me significant stress, I have to separate that from my feelings about those two. I do, however send a group e-mail to sisters, auntie dearest and mom's guardian. It is interesting that I rarely receive any sort of reply, and if I do, the guardian hasn't been included. Sisters and auntie dearest, are quite angry with guardian. They were certain that she would decide to move mom to a facility. They thought guardian may even make that decision based on family dysfunction while relieving sisters guilt. I am doing all I can to keep them informed, and must not change that. I have done that all along for almost three years now.

So, my suggestion, build the group, send the e-mail to all. I know it is a bit impersonal for sister, but that is what I do and makes it somehow easier. And another thought, you may need documentation of these communications at some point down the line, and replies may be helpful as well. Just do not delete anything.

glad - thanks - I did that up until my sister tried to move mother into a cheaper but unsuitable facility - with no consultation with me though I have POA - and then, after I told her I disagreed with the move, she accused me of having a vested interest in mother's demise. I have not communicated with her since that email from her, but have kept all emails.

I have communicated what has been happening recently to my kids, her son and her financial advisor, but not to her and my niece (they live together). What mother has told her I don't know. They had been in regular communication and still may be. I guess I could ask the social worker, as she would have to arrange for long distance calls, mail etc. for mother.

Mother is still quite capable of letting my sister know what is happening by letter or phone, so I so not feel the same pressure to do so. Apparently. mother is writing her psychiatrist at length letting her know her concerns. It puts me in a difficult situation as I am now wondering if it is my business to let people know where mother is when she is capable of letting them know herself. I did not know she could still write at length till I saw the psych last week. It surprised me. When she was using the computer her emails were getting pretty short.

Seems the simplest things become complicated!

I found this article very interesting: End of Life Care for the Patient with BPD.
It describes what end of life is like for BPD patients and a case study with a hospice nurse/psychiatric nurse team who provided the hospice care for an elderly lady (Sara) with BPD.

"... At Sara's funeral, her children remarked that the only special intimate relationship they ever saw her have was with her hospice nurse."

website: medscape/viewarticle/505595

Hello Personality Disorder Toolbox! Where have you been all my life?
This is from the Out of the FOG website. I may be making flashcards for myself tomorrow.

http://www.outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/Toolbox.html#NonPDToolbox

Interesting, sandwich They did not mention the genetic basis for some cases of BPD but other than that good article I could see it happening.

Lots of good stuff in the tool box!

Thanks!!!

I have a controlling identical twin sister who hasn't had ANYTHING to do with anyone in our family for nearly 10 years, she unfortunately reappeared after learning that my father was diagnosed with terminal Glioblastoma Brain Cancer. My husband and I had moved an RV into my parents back yard and had been care taking for my father for about 3 months when my Evil Twin decided she wanted to move her travel trailer into the back yard, even though she works full-time for the Oregon Department of Human Resources and there wasn't enough room in the back yard for two RV's anyways, so her solution was to have a FALSE report of ELDER ABUSE filed against me with Adult Protective Services! The Elder Abuse charges were False and therefore went nowhere, so the following day my Evil twin called the local police department and made a bogus report against me. She was hoping to have me arrested! Needless to say, under the advice of the police I left for a few days to let the situation cool down and my sister used the opportunity to swoop in and move my RV to a vacant lot down the road from my parents and move her RV in ..... so now my husband's staying at my parents house, sleeping on the couch and care taking for my father by himself while my sister stays in her fancy RV doing absolutely NOTHING! I'm angry and frustrated! I believe my sister abused her position as an employee at DHS by filing a False Elder abuse report against me, among other things ....
My mother, who has lost about 40 lbs and is extremely vulnerable - she is after all losing her husband of 52 years - has always been more like my best friend than my mother, has completely been brain-washed by my Evil Twin or something because she no longer calls me or speaks to me, in fact the bizarre thing is that she almost acts resentful when my husband leaves my parents house for a few hours to come spend time with me, at the home that we share together. She doesn't seem to recognize, nor care, that because of what my sister has done that my husband and I are now living separately! It has been over a month since we've been living apart and it's taking it's toll on both of us ..... to make matters worse I have two other siblings who live in the same town but who have stopped speaking to me altogether, I'm assuming because they DON'T want to have to take on the responsibility of caring for my father and so if they just ignore the obvious injustice going on, then they won't have to step up and do the right thing! I want nothing more than to be caring for my father, but because of my dog and other circumstances, I'm unable to live inside my parents home. My husband is much stronger than myself and since my father has lost mobility of his legs, my parents depend on him a great deal, which is a blessing and at times a burden when you have NO ONE to relieve you for even one night! It has been over 4 months and my husband still hasn't had a night off! I think that's shameful, especially considering that my Evil twin and husband #3 have been living in the back yard for over a month .... you would have thought they could have at least learned how to help put my father to bed! Talk about DYSFUNCTION!

Roxie, did your father and mother give you POA (power of attorney) over them - financially and medically? It seems your sister is poised to move in once your father dies. It sounds like she will take over the house/land and mom. And when mom goes, all that possession will be hers. She will most likely persuade your mom to make her POA or the beneficiary of her Will. The things we read here on AC..makes one very cynical when it comes to siblings/relatives. I hope you and hubby have some back up plans. Sorry, sis will make it known far and wide how she and hubby took very good care of your parents. {{hugs}}

Emjo – antihistamines? No, I don’t recall trying those. I will put a note on my cell phone. If my body starts rejecting this current pill, I will then try the antihist. I try to limit the pills because eventually my body will start rejecting it. I’ve been taking one pill in the morning at work – hoping it would carry me through the whole day – if I can just avoid the cigarette smokers which is at all the exits to reach the restroom.

Emjo, to answer your question, I would do #2 – send a group email to the family. If you want, you can send all of their email address under “BCC” instead of “CC”. This way, each person sees only their email – and it looks less impersonal. Or, if you send as “CC”, everyone will see it as an impersonal update (and yet you will reveal everyone’s email address to everyone…which I detest. I once wrote a sender that I did not like people knowing my email address and that next time to please send mine under ‘BCC’. He apologized and since then, mine was sent as ‘BCC.’)

Buggasmom, thanks. I’ve copied and pasted your’s and your son’s advice to my Sinus/Allergy file. I’ll also check the website. I’ll also try the dryer sheets. I’ve never done the nasal irrigation. I finally got the neti pot. All I need now is to boil water. Most of the stores here on island don’t sell it. If I boil water, this yucky white froth comes out and clings to the side of the pot. Do I scoop out the froth first? Then use the water for the irrigation? Kind of scary. Maybe better if I keep looking for distilled water at the store.

Sharyn, I never used saline nasal sprays. Another good tip to try. I tried to imagine your sister as one of mine. I would do my best to mind my own business. But in the end, I would have caved in and told one of her daughters. So, I would have eventually done what you did when you told your niece about her mom.

Back to drinking the ACV with honey despite tingling of my lips. I'd rather drink that than keep taking the pills. This time I lowered the dosage to 2 TBS ACV and 1 TBS honey in 16oz water.

Book,
I have also used the saline irrigation, this will clear me out when nothing else will, even if temporarily. Was a bit uncomfortable at first. I am very sensitive to antihistamines. I take the 4 hour dosage in the morning and I still have a difficult time sleeping at night.

Emjo- I understand what you are saying, a couple of very important differences in our situations, if your mother can communicate with others and has the addresses she would need to do that then let mom do it. In my case mom would never be able to communicate any sort of reliable information. Also, you have POA, I don't, so I had been at the mercy of what sis said on everything until guardian was appointed. Sister had made all the preparations to move mom. It was a very good thing it was a new facility and didn't open until January. Without guardian, my mom would have been moved against doctor's recommendation.

Do you have standing or springing POA, or is there no such designation in those north lands?

Emjo I think you have to take responsibility to let your family know Mum's current and new addresses.
Solution #2 would be my choice.
Do you plan to tell the family of your upcomming nuptuals?
If you do I would take this opportunity to tell them the news in general and mention that you don't plan to tell Mum about this news.
At the same time in as few words as possible let them know Mum's details.
If everyone knows each others email address I would send it CC otherwise send evil sis CC with the people who'se contact information she already knows.
I don't think it is fair to involve Gary at this time. This might fuel resentment against him however unfounded. He is not actually family yet although he is to you. Delicate!

Have just read the Medscape article and found it invaluable information for all caregivers not just hospice nurses. It describles so many of the relatives that caregivers have to deal with. Understanding why there behaviours are so difficult will help everyone to better understand the necessary boundaries. I will certainly be exploring the FOG article later in the day. Never was exposed to psychiatric education and want to learn more as i deal with mental illness at home. if you understand the reasons for certain behaviours it can take some of the personal hurt out of situations and greatly assist in setting boundaries

Emjo, you could have some 'new address' cards printed for your mother (or desk-top publish them at home) and send them out by good ol' snail-mail. It's only a mental trick, but if you're sending your sister a printed card, and any reply isn't instant, there's a kind of cordon sanitaire in your communication with her but you've still done your need-to-know duty.

Reading and absorbing, I continue to be grateful for all of you sharing your experiences, giving me perspective on mine. There are doctor's appointments this week for dad, plus more coming as I try to get baseline for overall health, plus neurological and psychological evals. Plenty of time in between for me to put effort into juicing/exercise to regain strength and get immune system boost - assuming no drama-bombs drop unexpectedly… and that is assuming a lot in this caregiving life of mine, ha! Spring clean out needs to happen at this house (to put remediated basement back together) but I'm genuinely too scared to do it at this time based on getting sick so easily when I mess with dust here… so will do it down the road when I'm stronger and all windows are opened and dust mask is on. Reordered air purifier and can't wait for it to finally make it here. Trust continues to ignore me and my requests for help from them to do their part in keeping up house - since its Deed In Trust, and they are supposed to keep house in good working order… but they don't. SSDD. I'm reading everyone's posts, don't have much to contribute past week. But I send lots of hugs to all and best wishes for you, your lives, your challenges. Have a great Wednesday! :-) (((hugs)))

Just a quick 'kvetch' (if you know a little Yiddish, you understand!) -- called my mother for a very brief check-in, and to confirm my upcoming daylong visit next week. She sounded pleasant on the surface, but her comment "so you won't be coming the afternoon before then?", which seems benign, is actually code for "So, you won't be giving me what I want, which is for you to extend your visit by staying overnight." She is so terribly forgetful now, and yet, is still a champ at being impossible to please.

My sister came for her ONCE a week visit, immediately complaining that I am not 'doing anything' for mother as far as getting caretakers or nursing home arrangements made...like I am just sitting around on my thumb. I call DAILY looking for someone to stay with mother...but even if we find someone, it's going to cost something and my sister views my mother's money as 'hers' because 'she will be responsible for the funeral costs'...well I am DPOA and I will spend the money to care for my mother...if I can save some for the funeral costs then yay but I am not going to 'save it' and let my mother suffer...NOR put myself into a bad financial situation.

I just used "ask a question" on this site for first time. Something tells me it won't be my last. ;-) Thank goodness for AC! VA is driving me nuts today...

Looloo, it's like the cake joke -

"Would you like the chocolate cake or the lemon drizzle cake?"
"Ooo, yum, chocolate please."
"You don't like lemon drizzle?"

There's no pleasing some people. WHY isn't your mother just glad you're going to visit her for the whole day? If your mother is as much like some mothers I have known as she sounds, the answer is - because we'd all drop down in a dead faint if they ever actually just sounded pleased!

Countrymouse, I cracked up at your joke! :). No kidding, I'd be speechless if my mother was ever sincerely pleased.