
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
I completely understand you wanting to maintain the distance between you and your sister. Do you feel a bit as if you send the email, this would be going against that? I do know this feeling, believe me. I think that the idea of a group email would be the best way for you to approach this. This way, everyone knows,
and hopefully you won't get any complaint's at least w/respect to knowledge of her move.
Hugs, hang in there,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Re your mum's comment - very familiar. Some of them are backhanded compliments. Whatever it is, whatever you do, it isn't quite good enough. I have had "Yes, Joanie is smart - maybe too smart." ???? Arranging to visit is always difficult as she wants to know EXACTLY what your plans are RIGHT AWAY, and you get phone calls until she gets her answer. Now, since her memory is worse, she has called me after I left the house leaving a message saying, "I guess you aren't coming", as she has the time and or date mixed up. BUT in her eyes she is never wrong, so, again, you have messed up, as it couldn't be her.
I like this current "no visitors" rule. Makes life easier, though it wont go on forever.
The dog has been relegated to the basement and is whining and yapping behind the door. I think I will spend the day in my room on the second floor. I have some sorting out to do up there anyway. Then I can't hear him. My blood pressure needs to come down.
Wow! I do hope that you find those rings.
Yes, you certainly don't need this.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
veronica - mother is capable herself of letting people know where she is and has asked for stamps, and can make local calls, and long distance if they get her a phone card. Or the sw can call my sis and have her call mother at the hospital. The sw did this for friends of mother's already.
I will talk with the social worker and get her views. I need to discuss the clothing, hot water washing and dry cleaning issues with her anyway. I can take mother more clothes as long as they promise not to wash them. I would think that dry cleaning would be arranged once on a while.
Welcome to the thread.
If I may politely ask, about what ages are your parents?
In your situation, it is going to be paramount as to who has DPOA, and MPOA.
I think it is completely unfair to you having been the daughter who's been looking out for both your parents, and then your husband being involved.......that other circumstances end up separating you from your own husband, first of all.
Although I realize that you want the best care for your father......the fact that your husband is doing this, should never make you the outsider.
Anyway, if you give us more information about your situation, possibly we could send you more advice.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
"well I am DPOA and I will spend the money to care for my mother...if I can save some for the funeral costs then yay but I am not going to 'save it' and let my mother suffer...NOR put myself into a bad financial situation."
Good for you to all of that. It is what you have to do. Sometimes we just have to get a thick skin with regard to our siblings. My sis wants mother's money too, and she will get her share when the time comes if there is any left, but she wants it all. Don't think that is going to happen. What mother has in $$$s should be spent now on the best care we can get for her. (((((hugs)))))
glad - I have enduring POA financial - it is active, The medical one is supposed to be activated once mother is designated incompetent which has not happened. She is just below borderline and they don't want to take that step, yet they have told me she could be declared incompetent any time soon. She has been declared as being incompetent only to make medical decisions in her own interest, but not incompetent in general. This puts me in a difficult position. Theoretically and practically she is capable of letting people know where she is, I do not want to take over from her anything she wants to do herself. She may not want many to know where she is. The worst comes to worst I can see after her birthday if any flowers etc are delivered to her apartment and take them to the hospital. I have picked up her mail accumulated from February and there is nothing personal in it. I think I will get it redirected to my address as she does not deal well with business stuff anymore. These transition times are difficult.
Have a good day everyone.
ies if the buyer wants the seller to take care of any issues.
A co-worker had a 1 yr old son who has been very sick. A horrible rash from top to bottom with spiking fevers. The rash would develop into blisters that pop open and ooze. Not chicken pox. It is hand foot and mouth virus. I never heard of this before and she showed me pictures and I teared up. She has a 16 yearold son who now has it too.
I am off today and tomorrow I work at my old store. I b!(ced about the hours I was assigned last week which is something I normally would have sucked up. 28 hours with 5 hours of commute time a week. This week and next week I am getting more ...32-35 hours. Really gas is $4.00 a gallon?
The Dept at this work site is about 3x the size. I am doing much more walking from one end to the other to perform closing duties. They have gotten better about cooking more rotissarie chicken in the late afternoon so I don't have to continue cooking chickens until 8:30 as my schedule is I get off at 9:00pm. They frown on overtime as all stores do. At least they are working toward making the work they want from me feasible. Cleaning the hot case cannot be done until 8pm. This is all our fried food. Cleaning the hot case and the rotissarire oven at the same with their expections of cleanliness is impossible. The biggest problem at the store is customer service is lite, and management does want to have the personel or give the hours to perform to their expections.
All other stores have a bakery closer and a deli closer. This store has me doing some bakery duties such as packaging cookies,etc. This is where the extra walking comes in, bringing all the dirty dishes to the sink as everything is so far from point of origin. My point being...I hurt. So much today..my lower back just aches.., my knees hurt.
That is my vent today, LOL!
I wish I could think of some brilliant technique for retrieving the jewellery, but I'm afraid...
I know in part he just never thinks he has to offer to do something of the sort, because that is just the way he thinks, being the youngest hombre in our sibling line. So the other brother, "golden boy," yeah he has lots of problems, but at the very least I can say he once in a blue moon has had mom w/him, watching her.
So I guess because of my unnavailability lately, my sister asked our bro to take mom over the entire day Sun. Finally! I always have said this, when someone is only relying on one person for back up, and we can't do it......eventually they'll start or have to look elsewhere.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Margeaux -my sis did the same thing....turned to our nephews but they now turn her down. It is not quite the same but similar as my sis was expecting me to do all the grunt work which I could not do (most of it was beyond reality). The nephews have their own lives ..children activities,work, and a wifeto have a rek
lationship with.
cm - class or not I want the rings back!!! The worse I heard of was a dog who ate a large knife (handle first) used for cutting a chocolate birthday cake. The xrays showed it and they had to do surgery to retrieve the knife. The vet was more concerned about the chocolate than about the knife!
margeaux - wow, that is great When we change our behaviour, others change too. It is much better if other sibs could help out once in a while. These controllers play so many games.
Talked with the social worker this afternoon and clarified some things. Mother is saying she does not want any of us to know where she is. It is the dream of my lifetime lol. She does not know that I am doing things for her and she is not asking who is bringing things for her. That is fine. The SW was surprised that my sis has not contacted me to find out what is happening with mother. I am not. Sis's agenda is strictly for herself, and if she has nothing to gain then she is not interested. I don't think she has ever had any particular interest in mother's welfare, but rather what she could get out of mother in terms of material things or using mother to get at me. There has been lots of triangulation all my life and I am glad and relieved that triangulation isn't happening right now. Long may it last.
I do need to look for a new black turtleneck sweater for mother, or two and the sw suggested one pair of elastic waisted black pants - washable - and she will try to get her to wear them. Holt Renfrew had nothing like that on line. I will check some other places. The sw does not want me to bring dry cleanable clothing. Oh well, I can only do what I can do.
Feeling more relieved not having to contact people.
Going to buy deli chicken for supper.
Have a good evening and to something good for you
None of us are perfect. Why should you be any different?
Bookluver, My grand dad had bees and people drove quite a way to get honey for allergies. I understand it is best if it is raw LOCAL honey in season. That way the pollen is what you are having allergies to, and the honey making process seems to make it safe to ingest. Grandad always went out and got the honey right from the hives for his customers who had allergies, so it was whatever was currently in bloom. They swore by it.
There is something in AA called "The 20 Questions" and you could find them easily online. Run down those 20 questions with yourself and see how you answer… this will help guide you to a better understanding of whether or not you are an alcoholic. Whether you are or are not, we all already know you're a great human being! :-) Hugs!
Hope you find those rings, emjo!
And good for you, Margeaux, that your plan to be less available has born fruit. I'm taking notes. ;-)
Hope everyone else is as well as can be expected! Hugs and good night!
Emjo, hope you find those rings.
(((((((sharyn))))) - In my view, if you are concerned you have a problem - you have a problem. My daughter had a major wake up call when she woke up one morning with a big bump on her forehead and did not remember doing it. I think that was a turning point for her and she has been sober now for about 20 years. I know you can do it - whatever it is that you need to do. As Alison says - we already know you are a great human being!!! and I know you will be a great grandma! ((((((hugs))))) Take care of you! We are here for you.
Thank you everyone ((((Hugs)))).
New here. Great thread.
Dysfunctional is a mild word for my people. I myself come from a family where my parents lived in the same house but did not speak to each other for like 25 years. There were no fights, no yelling. My significant other's family is the opposite. They scream at each other and say really hateful things. And they now live in my house. The second night they were here they had a big group scream fest. Dredging up resentments from decades ago. I just sat there horrified.
Two nights ago the dad started in on me. Said that I approved of the fact that his son had kidnapped them and was holding them against their will. He has dementia, and I know he can't help what he is saying. Dementia added onto a self centered narcissistic personality is not pretty. I am sensitive, and this had me in tears for hours. I have to find a way to not react when I get screamed at, and to remember that it is his disease talking. The mother pulled me aside and told me that her husband had always been an ingrate. But she is also narcissistic, and self absorbed. So between the two it is quite a change in my home life.
Thanks for listening. It helps some to know that I am not alone in this.
Hugs
Christine