notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Better weekend with the inlaws, thank heaven. Kept doing the old times talk. And Charles found some music his dad liked, really old C&W, and was playing it for him and that seemed to help too.
Funny how when I tried t get them to talk about the old days, FIL talked about good times, MIL talked about disappointments and bad times. Oy vey. And FIL told me the same stories a few times during the day, which was okay. I can be patient with that. What made me sad and start to unglue was when MIL went to get him off the couch for supper, and he said where are we again? He also couldn't remember where the bathroom was. But then he couldn't remember in his own home either. Charles talked him into the depends for overnight. I am doing a load of laundry every night with his peed on clothes. So maybe this will help a little.
MIL has a lot of drama, she gets jealous when the attention is on FIL and gets this throbbing tone to her voice. I want to slap her. But I wouldn't. So I hug her instead. But wow. She was always like that though, this is just drama on steroids. :-}
Finally got her to give me all their meds. She kept hiding them and trying to tell me I was dispensing them wrong. She has not been taking hers regularly, and that is half the reason for her being more crazy than normal. One of the handful of pills she takes is an anti anxiety pill. I checked and she can take more of those as needed. And boy are they needed. Poor little thing. If she could just relax she would be a lot better.
Good news is they are eating like little piglets. Since they are both severely underweight I am so glad about that. I will cook three course meals every night if that would help! A cousin was bringing them plates of food and putting them in the freezer before, but I think it was too much for them to microwave them. So me putting food on their plates is working. I was teasing MIL that she would scrape the flowers off the plates! Anyway, one bright spot in the crazy new world I live in.
Thanks for all the advice and support...I would have been crazy myself without you.
Hugs
Christine
Sandwich-the cribs I ordered are the 4 in 1 convertible cribs. In the expresso color they the original price. My daughter's in-laws are buying a twin stroller for them and car seats are on my daughter and son-in-law. No bassinettes or cradles. They should have everthing to start them out.
also Christine - sounds like you are gaining the right skills with the in laws
sandwich - keep us updated on what is happening with your mum
Alison - had some moments of crabby last night and this morning, but started doing my floors and it wore off. One set of phones went dead, but seem to have fixed it - loose connection. Still no sign of my camera :( or the rings. Strange. Need to get back to my floors. Still lots to do, but I am a bit tired. This house is too big for someone my age unless I had help or it was kept very well organized and belongings pared down. Neither is the case. Fortunately with just G and I it is not too bad, but with the lads going in and out I notice the difference.
glad - I am sending that info about the narc sis to mother's social worker. They have no idea, but are beginning to see about mother, BUT it was not just mother all my life, but sis playing off mother as well, which more than doubled the trouble.
marg - you know the scene when one narc plays off another with your aunt the battleax and your sis
susan - what a night mare of dysfunction. That comment by your sis rubs it in. I rather my sis just stay out of the way. Her way of helping has been to step in and take over with no consultation. I feel fortunate when she stays away from me. I do not do day to day caregiving, but it would be the same if I did. The first time we moved mother my sis sat in a chair and watched us work, and went home with the most expensive piece of art work mother had. She also had the nerve to lay out some things of mother's she wanted and tell me to mail them to her. She was retired at the time and could have done it herself. Gary and I were working and had limited time. I could go on... Selfish sibs...It is good you are getting the house secured in your name.
Austin - have you managed to see your bro?
juju -so glad to see you surface again. Hope things are getting done.
hi everyone else -whoever I have missed - take care and do something good for you today! ((((((((((hugs))))))))))
You bet, narc sister playing off of mother! And she was the golden child, could never do anything wrong, sis just had a way of manipulating from early in her life. Started when mom first brought her home from the hospital, and I had been playing on the floor with some of my toys. And mom told me this, she told me I better pick up my toys or she would give them to the new baby. Talk about starting out on the right foot!
"Darling wonderful" brother called last night "to see how Mummy is." Bit of e.s.p. at play, maybe, since I'd been thinking evil-vibe thoughts about him earlier in the day. This is the whole second time that he's managed to pick up the phone this year, on top of seeing mother twice - once at her sister's funeral in January, once at his son's wedding last month. And it's mother's birthday in July, which he seems to think quite soon enough for their next encounter. I asked (because I knew she would) when he was thinking of coming down for a visit. Not soon. Oh? Well, they're redoing their bathroom and there are things to finish off. And they've got to paint the just-married son's bedroom. The bedroom he will no longer be using, i.e. What's the rush? Do they know something I don't know about the bride's health :)?
Be that as it may, the update I now have for mother is that Darling Wonderful son is too busy to come and see her because he would literally rather watch paint dry. I cut the conversation short and didn't say anything unpleasant to him. All of this is only important to mother, and only because she loves him dearly; from my selfish point of view life is much more peaceful when he's not even on the radar. And saying "you are a useless twat with the lamest excuses this side of Network Rail," while gratifying, would not improve relations, possibly.
But Looloo going back a bit, you'd have felt a sympathetic twinge for my sister last week: she came over for lunch, talked mother through her mail, sat with her for a full hour, then set off home with all duty done. Two hours later I noticed mother had a face like a little black raincloud. Turns out sister didn't wave as she went past the window on her way to her car. Tsk, fancy that.
Your sister -- what nerve! Kidding! Next time, I really hope she waves like Miss America!
Looloo I LOVE idea of the Miss Am. wave! Cartwheels and a can-can too, maybe?… the possibilities are endless...
I have told every social worker that calls me that I am afraid that if she goes back to her apartment, it will be back to 23 hours of sitting in the dark, not eating, and neglecting herself. She does not comprehend the limits of her abilities. But fortunately, it's not up to her.
There is another woman on this unit who is in the verbally mean as a snake/bully stage, and it makes me laugh for some reason. Maybe because I am used to it, and I've seen it done much better than she can. I hope she doesn't pick a fight with my mom. There can be only one.....
Don't worry, the social workers will be listening even if they seem to sit there like Buddha and go all inscrutable on you. Best wishes to you and your mother for them to get her fighting fit (if that's not an unfortunate turn of phrase).
Yes, you are so right that my sister played her narcissism against the b.a.
But I've realized that she and mother have had their own brand, variety of playing off one another. They never got along when my sister was a kid. My sister was the defiant one. She used to complain to me about....I guess she didn't know the proper way to call it, how she was feeling mother. But she'd definitely feel things mother did much more so than I ever did. I guess I decided to back burner the hurtful things mother did to both of us, and that was by trying to get over things.
I know now, that deep inside I was hurting to, but I've always been more compliant, so maybe this had something to do w/how I would let things go. Not my sister. Then.....I do remember mother complaining about my sister to me.
Since mom was so passive aggressive she'd make comments like, "my sister was too much, disobedient, stubborn." So mom used me as a soundboard big time, for everything. I have to admit too, that it took me a long time to realize mother was using me in her ponzy scheme. My silence I guess tantamounted in her eyes that maybe she had an ally in me. But, that was when I was still dreaming naively, that I could have a mom on my side. When I got to be pre-teen, my attitude about a lot of things would change. It's a slippery slope for a young child....when the parent's messages to them are that they just break our spirits and try to use us to their advantage.
But in any case.......mother and my sister have always butted heads well into adulthood. Things are just basically different now from mother's end, now that she has ALZ. I say, "Birds of a feather, flock together." HAAH!
Well I glad for you that these lads seemed to have help you and G out.
I'm amazed at your great attitude, Emjo because you have had quite a lot of things happening which require work.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
The biggest thing I contend with is the personal criticism. I get called on for being 'short' with my mother. I will admit that sometimes I am. I can never get through to other people that day by day, moment by moment you are faced with not only the repetitiveness but the cognitive decline and the increasing demand on you for your time, your soul, your body. Getting 'respite' care is not always available. Family certainly isn't and it's expensive getting outsiders to come in. I am worn to the bone. I am not only weary of the personal and emotional demands but having to constantly defend myself and the choices I have to make.
I have full power of attorney. I can I suppose make the choice to have mom go into a care home and be done with it but the last time I brought it up, family came out of the woodwork to say, "no...don't do that"! Does anyone want to step in, in my place? No.
People who support me would say that I have to do whatever I have to do to take care of myself. If I don't find a solution soon, I may go into full blown depression.
She really went downhill mentally in the hospital probably due to this mini-overdose. She had the nurse help her call me, and she was asking about my father. He died 30 years ago. Come to find out, she also had help dialing her apartment manager, Jason (did she have his card in her purse or what)? Apparently she asked Jason if he could please take her to the bathroom. At least she was nice to the hospital staff, other than recounting her life story repeatedly.
So since last week I've been spending every day at the old apartment continuing to go through the lifetime of stuff she hoarded there. I have an organizer helping me but even so it feels daunting and like it will never be over. So much hoarded stuff and so much dirt and dust. I'm still caring for two cats over there, and need to sell a grandfather clock, some Wedgwood china and some antiques. I'm also running down to the new place with stuff, handling every bill and making a zillion phone calls, trying to make sure she's somewhat settled, and running her to some prepaid dental-work appointments (that causes me to drive 50 miles round trip). Wow. I am a stay-at-home mom to a nine year old, so I'm lucky I don't have a job, because THIS is a full-time job. I still have to make time to pick up my child from school on time and take care of my own family.
When I see mom, she complains that she does not like the new place at all. Every comment begins with either "I want" or "I don't like." "I want all of my lamps." "I want my plants, you ARE watering them, right?" "I don't like the food here." "I talked to a woman but she didn't like me." (hhhmm, wonder why?)
All this said, it is going about as well as it possibly could. There have been countless miracles along the way. I'm trying to keep perspective. But I'm so tired! I need to remember that once this is complete, I can really lower my amount of contact with her. Her advancing senility has really lowered the amount of depressive narcissism, while she is still nearly 100% self-absorbed, it is almost like she has forgotten to be so depressed, and this is a relief. I hope she can find just a teeny bit of happiness there. I intend to find a bit more happiness over here.
Does anyone have POA yet. let brother have it but do not let him make promises to give you money to care for Mom because he will be "saving it in case she needs it"
I hope you all have someone do something thoughtful for YOU tomorrow, Mother's Day. I'm not a mother, but fave sis let the cat out of the bag. Her daughters view me as their 2nd mama. I'm going to have a mother's day present tomorrow. I just need to act surprise. =)