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We made it. I'll toast that accomplishment! Here's my status report:

Rehab, Day 7. Survived Mother's Day. My family took me out to brunch and I had 4 mimosas to get myself ready for the visit. Mom is up with her walker, dressing herself, toileting, and full of spit, vinegar, & fire. No word on when she will be done with rehab or if she moves to memory care or the 24/7 AL unit. She has called me several times demanding to be taken out of there "right this minute or I will call the newspaper and tell them you are holding me hostage up here!!!" She commands my voicemail so imperiously like it's me 35 years ago. "You get your shoes on and get over here RIGHT THIS MINUTE and pick me up or I'll go by myself!"

Well Duchess, please do be my guest and best of luck. She is on a reduced calorie/portion controlled, low fat, no salt diet and HATES IT. She will over-react to these kinds of minor things due to the BPD & Dementia. (We are all so familiar with these temper tantrums sadly.) She is supposedly going to report to the TV station they are starving her to death. Stay tuned, story at 11.

We gave greeting cards & two new caftans to her, and when her list of complaining started, we came home. Whew.

Did I mention how grateful I am she's on a secured floor right now?
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Sharyn, Congrats on a successful reveal and to see that your daughter was able to handle her aunt. So tacky! (Your sis).

Emjo, so sorry about your sadness with Gordie. You are always here for us, encouraging us. I’d like to do the same for you. {{HUGS}}

Veronica, I read Friendlyfip’s NM and thought New Mexico. Yes, yes, it doesn’t make sense when you read the whole sentence. I just figured it’s another tablet ‘malfunction.’

Solegiver, addictions are so hard to kick. Nothing anyone can do if the addicted is not willing to admit and then fight to be free from it.

Sandwich, I know it wasn’t funny. But I had to laugh as you imitated your mother’s commands for you to come and get her out or Else. My father can be the same. I hate it when they use that Imperial command. It just raises my hackles and want to do the exact opposite.

Hi ABB!!! =)
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Hi everyone!

We have made it through these last few days. The reveal is over and mothers day is behind us. We went to the luncheon at the community with mom. My mom doesn't know who my daughter is anymore. I think having mom at the reveal was confusing. She was concerned when my sister or me would leave a the room she was in that we were leaving her.

My son in laws grandmother was at the reveal. I had her and my mom cut the cake together. My daughter was overwhelmed with generosity of the family onboth sides. She and her hubs are well set now for bringing these beautiful boys into this world. She wont tell us what their names will be other than baby A will have Micheal as a middle name after my hubby and son and baby B will have Walter as a middle name like my sil and his father.

Joan-my sister in law has had a few hard days too as Saturday wasone year since Chris has passed.with mothers day following made it harder yet. She went to the cemetery to see her mother and she met a woman who is the cousin of Houell Howser the deceased host of a PBS show called California Gold. Small world. My heart goes out to you ((((hugs)))).

I also went out to visit my dad today. Someone is putting flowers out for him and I suspect it is my sil as her parents are just across a road from my dad.

My mom actually thought Sunday was her birthday. She showed my daughter her pets. The stuffed animals she sleeps with. She says all the do is sleep
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Sole welcome good to have you aboard-you sure have a lot on your plate-you have come to the right place -the most wonderful folks are here.
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Carlo's birthday dinner was nice-the restaurant was reasonable the dishes were just the right size to eat there and not take food home and it was most delicious. My son is taking us out tonight for Mother's day-I do not like it go out on the day-I always feel rushed so we will go out tonight. I had to leave my dear cat at the vet's-she did not say what she thinks is wrong and will have to do a work up-if it is cancer I will not have surgery done on him-it would not be fair at his age about 16-I have had him for 11 or so years and h was about 4 when I adopted him and we have been through a lot together and he loves Carlo-the first person he ever took to -even not feeling well he greets Carlo when he comes over and early on he followed Carlo out to his car and would have gone home with him. My brother is suppose to go to the hospital today to be checked out for his breathing problems-I am hoping they admit him and help him to be more comfortable-having cancer is bad enough but not being able to walk a few steps has to be discouraging at the least-I will call him after the wife goes to work-so I get a chance to talk to him.
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Emjo,

It must be very difficult, when a mom misses a son, and I am so sorry that
you were feeling this way. What a wonderful young man you have there, and I'm very happy that he was there to give you that hug. How thoughtful of him too, to offer you a BBQ. Sometimes when others we love can't be there the universe does provide some much needed comfort and attention especially when we need it the most.

Well do take care of your cold,
Big, big hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Hi everyone, happy Monday! Glad to hear about the good Mother's Day celebrations, and those that weren't so good -- well, yeah -- there's that too.

This was my first Mother's Day in my adulthood that I had "off." I visited my mother last Monday, and so this weekend was mine, all to myself (I don't have kids, but do have a dog). Just having an obligation-free day made it the best Mother's Day ever, lol.

On my visit last Monday, I accompanied my mother to her neurologist appt., and quietly handed a letter to the nurse to give to the doc. The letter updated him, and gave him my perspective of things. I mentioned I was worried about her driving, among other things.

In Saturday's mail, a letter from the DMV came for my mother. It was a re-examination/evaluation form (about 6 pages or so). She would need to complete part of it, then give it to her doc for him to complete and send in. My mother is 1) no longer able to complete forms and provide information like this; 2) the letter had a submission deadline, which she wouldn't be aware of; 3) she would most likely try to avoid giving it to her doctor. Thank goodness I get her mail now. I completed on her behalf, and just overnighted the packet to the doctor for him to complete and send in.
I feel a combination of relief that this important step is done, and worry about how to handle what might come next. I'm such a good worrier ;)
Have a wonderful week everyone!
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Lo you absolutely did the right thing most children of elders do not take the necessary step when they know it is time to give up the keys-a family member knew her mom was getting lost driving but she and her sister let her continue to drive and could have been killed-she was following one daughter a few miles and ended up in another state and just avoided an accident and was confused-but still the sister had her go through with another test which thank God she failed-my mom was a horrible driver I found out when visiting her and soon after the grandsons had an accident in her 20 yr. old car so she gave up driving she was into her 90's. What ever comes is much better than she dying or killing some one else-you are my hero-and giving a letter to the nurse was a very good thought-others will benefit from this suggestion-because if you try to talk to the doc or nurse yourself the elder will over rule you and usually be believed by the professional because that way they do not have to do any extra work-my mother's doc said it was great that she still was driving at over 90 what an as-h---.
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Loo~`We notified DMV that our mother was an unsafe driver. It took about 4 weeks for them to send her a form for the dr to fill out. The dr had to return it, then it was about 2 weeks later that mom received notice that her license was revoked starting about 4 days post the letter. I have read about some elders who have refused to turn their keys over after DMV revoked their license. It really comes down to if your mother fears authority. My mother does fear authority, while she was very angry, she signed her car over to my sister. Be aware that with dementia, they can progress rapidly after losing their independence which driving is a huge part of that. My mom spiraled down quickly and we had to step in to make sure her bills were being paid on time,etc. You deserved the day off, hope it was relaxing and restful.
Austin~Your dinner tonight should be nice as Mondays around here anyway, restaurants are quiet. I can understand your decision regarding your dear cat, 16 is old for cats and I had to put one down a couple years ago at that age due to kidney failure. I am sorry your brother is having breathing problems. I hope they find the reason and meds to make him more comfortable. Enjoy your dinner out.
Friendlyfip~I hope you come back and post more, you are very welcome here.
Solegiver~Your job is hard enough without the issues of your sisters. I miss my children too, they both live quite a distance, our son is in SoCal (we are in NorCal), it is a 6 hour drive to see him. Our daughter is in Idaho, a 9 hour drive. I get the aching, I too ache so much more than I did just a few months ago. Mine is a lower back issue that causes my thighs and knees to ache after standing long periods of time. Mineral Ice is a good product, it does help me and Amazon has a similar product called BioFreeze.
Sandwich~You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself with the written word. Yes the temper tantrums and demands go on and on. Just make a list, chose the priorities and forget the rest.
Margeaux~My sister is something else especially when she has an audience. She can be quite funny, however, she crossed boundaries into tactlessness when she targeted my brother who was not there. I know she did this because she want to compare what she gave to what everyone else gave, but really, the amount is not important, people give what they can afford and there should never be any shame in giving. Yes people catch on quickly.
Hugs to everyone!!
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I went back and re-read my post about the babies genders. I must apologize because I made it sound like a plea for attention. Thank you everyone for the congrats!!

I took my daughter to the airport earlier, it is always hard to let my children go back home. It is hard they don't recognize this as home anymore. Life goes on regardless.

Hang in there everyone, wishing everyone a good week.
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Well, my mother's day was very uneventful, which was good!
I called my sister early yesterday morning, and got her voice mail.
So I just wanted to know where mother would be yesterday, so possibly my husband and me could go see her, w/some candy and flowers, or something.
Anyway, I received a return voice mail, from my sister. She just told me, in a very hurried way that mother was going to spend the day at our brother's house.
He lives about 60 miles from mom's. Her message on the whole sounded very short and terse. I guess she was mad, or something. My guess is that, usually I'd call several days ahead or the day before to see what's going on. But this time,
I just wasn't up for having to hear my sister's crazy stories about where she'd spend M's Day, and who she's upset w/now. I was going to mom's today, but decided I'd wait....she's I'm sure wiped out from being at bros yesterday, so w/go tomorrow.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Mothers Day was good. Mom had a good day, no accidents, and really enjoyed the day.

Today on the other hand....not so great. :-(
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Hello all,
Well, survived week one of the in laws living here. It has been up and down. I am focusing on taking time and care for myself first, and then doing what I can, which is to feed and hug, and to get my FIL to talk about the past. He is happier there. No outbursts this weekend. We had a nice mothers day with my MIL. She was being fussed over so she was happy. Whew.

Got FIL to wear the depends, which makes a lot less laundry for me to do. When he starts getting upset I have been able to distract him with baked goods. It is a wonder both are not diabetic. But if that is what it takes for peace right now, I will stay in the kitchen all night.

Good news is that they are both eating a lot, so I expect to hear of some weight gain when the visiting nurse people come. She weighs 81 lbs. Which is way too little. She smokes and drinks coffee, and doesn't eat unless I pile up her plate. Then I think she does it to be polite, but I don't care as long as the food gets in her.

Anyway, things are a little better this week. I am learning to manage and not take it personally. He is in mid to late stage dementia. She is in the early stage. I am beginning to wonder if it is contagious, my brain is not working too well lately. As I am sure a lot of you can relate to. :)

Thanks for both the support and the tough love.
Have a peaceful evening
Christine
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Christina is the coffee MIL Chris decaf if not, the switch may do wonders for everybody! I stopped all sorts of caffeine for my mom substrates all of this almost three years ago. It made a huge difference in a positive way on behavior! I also stopped adding sugar to anything mom was like a kid on a sugar high, followed by a sugar crash that became agitation,then watch out!
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Many seniors do develope a liking for sugar. It does often have a connection with a declining sense of taste. I guess it does give a high like coffee but not very good for the many health problems seniors experience. Also be beware of too much chocolate and smoking and don't forget alcohol. Set good examples and try moderation in all things. Making life miserable at the end of life achieves nothing.
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Austin,

How is your brother? It must be difficult for you having to wait for his wife to leave for work, so that you can comfortably talk to him. It's just so terrible having to go through whatever challenges we are facing w/someone who is ill, then someone who is causing strife. I know what you feel like, since even though I've been distancing myself from my sister......I can still feel it the bad vibes. I guess I'll have to do some meditations about that.

Did you find out what is going on with you kitty? I've recently made friends with a little cat, who comes to hang out in our front yard. He at first wasn't very friendly, and is a scratcher. I tried petting him several times, and he managed to scratch me. So I learned how to pet him. I know he is trying to be friendly. But over the mos., I say hi to him daily, and talk to him. So now, he comes running to me every time he's around. He's adorable. Only now, I do know how to pet him, and give him little head massages, which he loves. We can't have pets, because our landlady is a problem. So I don't know what it is, but every time there's a neighborhood cat, they end up bonding with me.

I'm glad to hear that you and your beau had a lovely birthday dinner,
and then the mother's day.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Geez-
That spell checker on tablet absurd! I think you all got the gist of the impact of caffeine and sugar on my mom's behavior. I'm sure others experience the same effects.
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Marge thank you for asking my brother did go to the ER yesterday and told to by his primary when I called him they had done a ct scan and he was waiting for the results it sounded like they were going to pawn him off on his heart doc whom he has been seeing and he was discouraged I will try him on his cell later today, My cat still is not home the blood work they did did not show what the problem is more test were being sent out-I will call the vet later he may have a problem with his pancreas which could mean he has developed diabetes which I hope not can not see giving him shots -I do miss him so much also she said he may just need an appetite stimulant which sounds funny to me he always lived to eat with everything a glum this morning .Last evening my two kids took us all out for dinner for to celebrate Mother's day-my granddaughter my boyfriend me and the two kids we had a nice time wen the husband was alive it always had to be all about him-I could not even order what I wanted to eat so I really enjoyed this time-it was so normel.Good news I put my hummer feeder u yesterday and had my first humming bird partake I was really excited they have made their 2000 mile trip back up north.
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Sharynmarie,

I didn't find your post about the babies at all a call for attention.
Your just the proud grandmother, and have every right to be.
I have written about how my sister talks about her grandkids, and really her tone talking about anything that has to do with her is always the same. She thinks everything revolves around herself. You are not like that. Besides, we want to give you the grandma attention also.

Oh, you're terminology, what was it? "Mark shark, narc shark. That is too funny.
Maybe we can refer to our narcissistic sisters, moms, family, etc., as such.
The when we really get p****d at them, we can "Mark the shark." That's it. HAAH!
Anyway, it gave me a good laugh!

I still can't get over what your sister said at the shower. This reminded me of the old days w/mom. Sometimes in a social situation, she'd ask people how much money they were making at their jobs. I remember being a kid, and getting it on my own, that this was so rude. When I became older and she tried that, I mustered up the courage, to tell her it was. It was at a time mother started to lose her control over me.

My great niece is celebrating her first birthday the end of the month.
This is my sister's grand daughter. So we received an evite for that yesterday.
But I haven't heard boo about any of this from my sister. That's fine w/me.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Called my sister this morning to tell her how much Mom seemed to enjoy her day out yesterday. She responded by jumping down my throat for telling my mother something that upset her. I am not supposed to tell Mother anything that might upset her...how I am supposed to know what is going to upset her? Anyway, she proceeded to tell me just how sorry I am and how much easier I have it, living with Mother, being primary caregiver...she comes twice a week for about five hours and insists that is as much as I do (or more because at least I am in my own home). "Everyone is doing as much as you are so you are not some martyr".

And apparently I am hyper critical of everyone and power hungry and 'love being in control'.

Basically I am a horrible person that complains too much and whines. I wish I could kill myself. I wish I could just walk away. I hate my life. I hate everything. I wish with all my heart I had SOMEONE to lean on..I am so blistering tired of it all.

I can not WAIT for my mother to pass so I never ever have to speak to this sister ever again.
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Wantingtime - sounds like your sister is projecting her massive case of insecurities about her own self onto you. Don't take these words personally. If you step back, and imagine that she is talking to a mirror instead of you, it sure does make things seem quite different. She probably has a lot of "stuff" to deal with around mom aging, her own aging, the care situation, and her own life that she may not even be totally conscious of, so it comes out as all this emotional barf at the worst times.

I learned from a really helpful therapist that when somebody comes at me with that much aggression or passion and unloads like that, it is absolutely NOT about me. I just happen to be the one standing behind their dump truck when it unloads.

You hold your head up high and pat yourself on the back that you are doing everything you can, and you have nothing to feel bad about. As far as help goes, can you call your area on aging to find out how to get some respite care at home? Nobody can do this job 24/7/365 without suffering greatly.
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Hi Austin -- I once pet sitted for a diabetic cat, and the shots he needed were subcutaneous, meaning it was a very thin needle that went into his skin only. It wasn't a big deal. Took a little practice, and that was that. I'll keep my fingers crossed that your cat is doing better, and doesn't have any drastic health issues.
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Dear Glad,
Thanks for the observation on sugar and coffee with elderly behavior. Very helpful!!
My guess is that the thyroid is off balance, the diet is not optimal and thus the need for energy: so what do we do? Grab coffee and sugar. Also include carbs: breads, bagels, and pastries: always abundant in especially stressful places like schools and hospitals, which ironically should be the last place that stuff should be consumed. Right now I had my lovely homemade salad but crave a cup of coffee before heading out on an errand. I got over the wheat and flour cravings but coffee is my favorite vice. Sigh.
Humus dips or nut butter with fruits or veggies are good but have to consider what they can chew. Homemade date balls and other solutions on the internet abound.
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Hi austin. We had a diabetic german sheperd years ago and she developed diabetes. We had to collect urine to do the test in those days then calculate the dose of Insulin.
I just used to grad her by the scruff and stick it in. She was never any bother but if she refused to eat we had a problem so I actually fed her then did the shot. She did get cateracts but must have retained some periferal vision becaus she managed just fine when we moved. She lived 5 years on the insulin which was a great achievemnt as the vets knew little about it in those days. hope you get your kitty home soon, they are such good company. Mine is sunning herself this morning. Unless your kitty was drinking excessively it is unlikely to be diabetes or kidney failure.
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Hey everyone.. just a heads up.. vent post right here. very thankful that an active, supportive forum for us who are our family's support is there.. :o)
Today was alright, there have been worse days. Mom's first day with new care giver. What frustrates me is that they all seem to want to have a conversation with me... you are here to take care of mom! Iwould love for an aide to involve my mother with conversation. Mom has some really challenging cognitive setbacks, but she still loves to chat about current events. Finding a care taker who can just physically take care of her is tough. We've been going thru homecare for almost a decade, now, and still can't find the right individual or agency. I don't mean to sound picky when I say this. But we have been through people stealing from us, to just negligent, rude, and mostly unreliable individuals. Still, there are also agency limitations where they are not allowed to physically do everything involving their care - it'd pretty much be impossible for me to leave the house with just caretaker and ma.
We'll see how tomorrow goes...!
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Marge you took the power away from your mother and gave it back to yourself-that is good and you did while young-it took me 70 plus years to take the power away from my mother to hurt me-but I did before she passed away and the same with my husband wanting you will do the same with your sister we tend to do that -give others our power-learning to detach is a good trait and when the sky does not fall we get stronger and stronger son nobody can take our power away from us and we become healthy.
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This weekend was such an interesting adventure. We went up to SD for a family funeral and took my 74 year old mother with us. ( it was her car so....) I knew it would be tiring, but I am new to being the caregiver for my parents. On the way up, we stopped frequently. At one stop, I noticed that the back of mom's pant were wet. I have suspected incontinence before, but never to that extent. I dug through the bags and found her dry underwear. We were able to discuss the issue and convinced her that if we could find her Depends that were large enough that there was no shame in that. She agreed. I also found chucks pads from my Dad's hospital stay and put those on her seat. Dad is now in a rehab facility following sepsis and a hip replacement surgery. The next day was the funeral, and all was going well until my cell started buzzing. I silenced it, but then Mom's phone started ringing. She looked at it numbly, while I took the phone. I opened it and could hear my dad's voice. I was so embarrassed and angry and many other emotions. I have been unable to cry for weeks and was just starting to let myself feel something when the interruption occurred. Later we got a message on Mom's phone from Dad berating her for not answering her phone. As I watched my mom cry on the day before Mother's Day, I was furious with him for putting her through his emotional abuse through the years. It is so hard not to wish he had died. I know how wrong that is, but then I think of the times when he has been there for me, and know that it is now my turn. I can do this!? i think!
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Veronica and Loo thank you for your notes-I called the animal hospital this morning and the vet needs to call me back-still waiting for tests of the pancreas but they did give him meds to stimulate his appetite last night and it worked he ate his dinner -hope to get him back today. My granddaughter is doing cleaning for me and I am cleaning the utility room-will call my brother later because his wife would never think to call me herself her mother and her furniture are her priorities unfortunately and that will never change-it turned out to be a nice spring day.
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On our side of the family we have maintained a gender balance with grands and great grands. My daughter having 2 boys throws the balance off. Well my Narc shark sister and Narc shark niece decided we need to jokingly put pressure on my son/dil and our nephews to get going to produce girls. Thank goodness she does not have their emails to forward the message on as my son/dil have fertility issues and so does one nephew and his wife. My sis has been told this but she lives in strawberry fields forever world.
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Judea,
If you want energy try B-100 Complex. Mom's is in a white bottle by Nature's Way. When I first started this with her I was giving it to her at night. WRONG thing to do, took me about a week to figure out what was causing the late afternoon and evening spurt of boundless energy.Since then she takes it in the morning.
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