
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Rehab, Day 7. Survived Mother's Day. My family took me out to brunch and I had 4 mimosas to get myself ready for the visit. Mom is up with her walker, dressing herself, toileting, and full of spit, vinegar, & fire. No word on when she will be done with rehab or if she moves to memory care or the 24/7 AL unit. She has called me several times demanding to be taken out of there "right this minute or I will call the newspaper and tell them you are holding me hostage up here!!!" She commands my voicemail so imperiously like it's me 35 years ago. "You get your shoes on and get over here RIGHT THIS MINUTE and pick me up or I'll go by myself!"
Well Duchess, please do be my guest and best of luck. She is on a reduced calorie/portion controlled, low fat, no salt diet and HATES IT. She will over-react to these kinds of minor things due to the BPD & Dementia. (We are all so familiar with these temper tantrums sadly.) She is supposedly going to report to the TV station they are starving her to death. Stay tuned, story at 11.
We gave greeting cards & two new caftans to her, and when her list of complaining started, we came home. Whew.
Did I mention how grateful I am she's on a secured floor right now?
Emjo, so sorry about your sadness with Gordie. You are always here for us, encouraging us. I’d like to do the same for you. {{HUGS}}
Veronica, I read Friendlyfip’s NM and thought New Mexico. Yes, yes, it doesn’t make sense when you read the whole sentence. I just figured it’s another tablet ‘malfunction.’
Solegiver, addictions are so hard to kick. Nothing anyone can do if the addicted is not willing to admit and then fight to be free from it.
Sandwich, I know it wasn’t funny. But I had to laugh as you imitated your mother’s commands for you to come and get her out or Else. My father can be the same. I hate it when they use that Imperial command. It just raises my hackles and want to do the exact opposite.
Hi ABB!!! =)
We have made it through these last few days. The reveal is over and mothers day is behind us. We went to the luncheon at the community with mom. My mom doesn't know who my daughter is anymore. I think having mom at the reveal was confusing. She was concerned when my sister or me would leave a the room she was in that we were leaving her.
My son in laws grandmother was at the reveal. I had her and my mom cut the cake together. My daughter was overwhelmed with generosity of the family onboth sides. She and her hubs are well set now for bringing these beautiful boys into this world. She wont tell us what their names will be other than baby A will have Micheal as a middle name after my hubby and son and baby B will have Walter as a middle name like my sil and his father.
Joan-my sister in law has had a few hard days too as Saturday wasone year since Chris has passed.with mothers day following made it harder yet. She went to the cemetery to see her mother and she met a woman who is the cousin of Houell Howser the deceased host of a PBS show called California Gold. Small world. My heart goes out to you ((((hugs)))).
I also went out to visit my dad today. Someone is putting flowers out for him and I suspect it is my sil as her parents are just across a road from my dad.
My mom actually thought Sunday was her birthday. She showed my daughter her pets. The stuffed animals she sleeps with. She says all the do is sleep
It must be very difficult, when a mom misses a son, and I am so sorry that
you were feeling this way. What a wonderful young man you have there, and I'm very happy that he was there to give you that hug. How thoughtful of him too, to offer you a BBQ. Sometimes when others we love can't be there the universe does provide some much needed comfort and attention especially when we need it the most.
Well do take care of your cold,
Big, big hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
This was my first Mother's Day in my adulthood that I had "off." I visited my mother last Monday, and so this weekend was mine, all to myself (I don't have kids, but do have a dog). Just having an obligation-free day made it the best Mother's Day ever, lol.
On my visit last Monday, I accompanied my mother to her neurologist appt., and quietly handed a letter to the nurse to give to the doc. The letter updated him, and gave him my perspective of things. I mentioned I was worried about her driving, among other things.
In Saturday's mail, a letter from the DMV came for my mother. It was a re-examination/evaluation form (about 6 pages or so). She would need to complete part of it, then give it to her doc for him to complete and send in. My mother is 1) no longer able to complete forms and provide information like this; 2) the letter had a submission deadline, which she wouldn't be aware of; 3) she would most likely try to avoid giving it to her doctor. Thank goodness I get her mail now. I completed on her behalf, and just overnighted the packet to the doctor for him to complete and send in.
I feel a combination of relief that this important step is done, and worry about how to handle what might come next. I'm such a good worrier ;)
Have a wonderful week everyone!
Austin~Your dinner tonight should be nice as Mondays around here anyway, restaurants are quiet. I can understand your decision regarding your dear cat, 16 is old for cats and I had to put one down a couple years ago at that age due to kidney failure. I am sorry your brother is having breathing problems. I hope they find the reason and meds to make him more comfortable. Enjoy your dinner out.
Friendlyfip~I hope you come back and post more, you are very welcome here.
Solegiver~Your job is hard enough without the issues of your sisters. I miss my children too, they both live quite a distance, our son is in SoCal (we are in NorCal), it is a 6 hour drive to see him. Our daughter is in Idaho, a 9 hour drive. I get the aching, I too ache so much more than I did just a few months ago. Mine is a lower back issue that causes my thighs and knees to ache after standing long periods of time. Mineral Ice is a good product, it does help me and Amazon has a similar product called BioFreeze.
Sandwich~You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself with the written word. Yes the temper tantrums and demands go on and on. Just make a list, chose the priorities and forget the rest.
Margeaux~My sister is something else especially when she has an audience. She can be quite funny, however, she crossed boundaries into tactlessness when she targeted my brother who was not there. I know she did this because she want to compare what she gave to what everyone else gave, but really, the amount is not important, people give what they can afford and there should never be any shame in giving. Yes people catch on quickly.
Hugs to everyone!!
I took my daughter to the airport earlier, it is always hard to let my children go back home. It is hard they don't recognize this as home anymore. Life goes on regardless.
Hang in there everyone, wishing everyone a good week.
I called my sister early yesterday morning, and got her voice mail.
So I just wanted to know where mother would be yesterday, so possibly my husband and me could go see her, w/some candy and flowers, or something.
Anyway, I received a return voice mail, from my sister. She just told me, in a very hurried way that mother was going to spend the day at our brother's house.
He lives about 60 miles from mom's. Her message on the whole sounded very short and terse. I guess she was mad, or something. My guess is that, usually I'd call several days ahead or the day before to see what's going on. But this time,
I just wasn't up for having to hear my sister's crazy stories about where she'd spend M's Day, and who she's upset w/now. I was going to mom's today, but decided I'd wait....she's I'm sure wiped out from being at bros yesterday, so w/go tomorrow.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Today on the other hand....not so great. :-(
Well, survived week one of the in laws living here. It has been up and down. I am focusing on taking time and care for myself first, and then doing what I can, which is to feed and hug, and to get my FIL to talk about the past. He is happier there. No outbursts this weekend. We had a nice mothers day with my MIL. She was being fussed over so she was happy. Whew.
Got FIL to wear the depends, which makes a lot less laundry for me to do. When he starts getting upset I have been able to distract him with baked goods. It is a wonder both are not diabetic. But if that is what it takes for peace right now, I will stay in the kitchen all night.
Good news is that they are both eating a lot, so I expect to hear of some weight gain when the visiting nurse people come. She weighs 81 lbs. Which is way too little. She smokes and drinks coffee, and doesn't eat unless I pile up her plate. Then I think she does it to be polite, but I don't care as long as the food gets in her.
Anyway, things are a little better this week. I am learning to manage and not take it personally. He is in mid to late stage dementia. She is in the early stage. I am beginning to wonder if it is contagious, my brain is not working too well lately. As I am sure a lot of you can relate to. :)
Thanks for both the support and the tough love.
Have a peaceful evening
Christine
How is your brother? It must be difficult for you having to wait for his wife to leave for work, so that you can comfortably talk to him. It's just so terrible having to go through whatever challenges we are facing w/someone who is ill, then someone who is causing strife. I know what you feel like, since even though I've been distancing myself from my sister......I can still feel it the bad vibes. I guess I'll have to do some meditations about that.
Did you find out what is going on with you kitty? I've recently made friends with a little cat, who comes to hang out in our front yard. He at first wasn't very friendly, and is a scratcher. I tried petting him several times, and he managed to scratch me. So I learned how to pet him. I know he is trying to be friendly. But over the mos., I say hi to him daily, and talk to him. So now, he comes running to me every time he's around. He's adorable. Only now, I do know how to pet him, and give him little head massages, which he loves. We can't have pets, because our landlady is a problem. So I don't know what it is, but every time there's a neighborhood cat, they end up bonding with me.
I'm glad to hear that you and your beau had a lovely birthday dinner,
and then the mother's day.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
That spell checker on tablet absurd! I think you all got the gist of the impact of caffeine and sugar on my mom's behavior. I'm sure others experience the same effects.
I didn't find your post about the babies at all a call for attention.
Your just the proud grandmother, and have every right to be.
I have written about how my sister talks about her grandkids, and really her tone talking about anything that has to do with her is always the same. She thinks everything revolves around herself. You are not like that. Besides, we want to give you the grandma attention also.
Oh, you're terminology, what was it? "Mark shark, narc shark. That is too funny.
Maybe we can refer to our narcissistic sisters, moms, family, etc., as such.
The when we really get p****d at them, we can "Mark the shark." That's it. HAAH!
Anyway, it gave me a good laugh!
I still can't get over what your sister said at the shower. This reminded me of the old days w/mom. Sometimes in a social situation, she'd ask people how much money they were making at their jobs. I remember being a kid, and getting it on my own, that this was so rude. When I became older and she tried that, I mustered up the courage, to tell her it was. It was at a time mother started to lose her control over me.
My great niece is celebrating her first birthday the end of the month.
This is my sister's grand daughter. So we received an evite for that yesterday.
But I haven't heard boo about any of this from my sister. That's fine w/me.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
And apparently I am hyper critical of everyone and power hungry and 'love being in control'.
Basically I am a horrible person that complains too much and whines. I wish I could kill myself. I wish I could just walk away. I hate my life. I hate everything. I wish with all my heart I had SOMEONE to lean on..I am so blistering tired of it all.
I can not WAIT for my mother to pass so I never ever have to speak to this sister ever again.
I learned from a really helpful therapist that when somebody comes at me with that much aggression or passion and unloads like that, it is absolutely NOT about me. I just happen to be the one standing behind their dump truck when it unloads.
You hold your head up high and pat yourself on the back that you are doing everything you can, and you have nothing to feel bad about. As far as help goes, can you call your area on aging to find out how to get some respite care at home? Nobody can do this job 24/7/365 without suffering greatly.
Thanks for the observation on sugar and coffee with elderly behavior. Very helpful!!
My guess is that the thyroid is off balance, the diet is not optimal and thus the need for energy: so what do we do? Grab coffee and sugar. Also include carbs: breads, bagels, and pastries: always abundant in especially stressful places like schools and hospitals, which ironically should be the last place that stuff should be consumed. Right now I had my lovely homemade salad but crave a cup of coffee before heading out on an errand. I got over the wheat and flour cravings but coffee is my favorite vice. Sigh.
Humus dips or nut butter with fruits or veggies are good but have to consider what they can chew. Homemade date balls and other solutions on the internet abound.
I just used to grad her by the scruff and stick it in. She was never any bother but if she refused to eat we had a problem so I actually fed her then did the shot. She did get cateracts but must have retained some periferal vision becaus she managed just fine when we moved. She lived 5 years on the insulin which was a great achievemnt as the vets knew little about it in those days. hope you get your kitty home soon, they are such good company. Mine is sunning herself this morning. Unless your kitty was drinking excessively it is unlikely to be diabetes or kidney failure.
Today was alright, there have been worse days. Mom's first day with new care giver. What frustrates me is that they all seem to want to have a conversation with me... you are here to take care of mom! Iwould love for an aide to involve my mother with conversation. Mom has some really challenging cognitive setbacks, but she still loves to chat about current events. Finding a care taker who can just physically take care of her is tough. We've been going thru homecare for almost a decade, now, and still can't find the right individual or agency. I don't mean to sound picky when I say this. But we have been through people stealing from us, to just negligent, rude, and mostly unreliable individuals. Still, there are also agency limitations where they are not allowed to physically do everything involving their care - it'd pretty much be impossible for me to leave the house with just caretaker and ma.
We'll see how tomorrow goes...!
If you want energy try B-100 Complex. Mom's is in a white bottle by Nature's Way. When I first started this with her I was giving it to her at night. WRONG thing to do, took me about a week to figure out what was causing the late afternoon and evening spurt of boundless energy.Since then she takes it in the morning.