Follow
Share
Read More

34K Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
233 234 235 236 237
Judda, not Judah, I really hate this spell checker!
(2)
Report
I said before that I was going to have a "come to Jesus" talk with my sisters that Mom cannot take care if herself. My sister came over with pizza and wine a few days later then started berating me that Mom should come live with her. I pointed out that Mom would be alone all of the time. Sis works two jobs--mail carrier for which she leaves at 3AM and secretary which starts at 7AM. She gets home at 4PM then drinks the rest of the night. She often calls Mom around 8 or 9PM to complain or cry about something. She has 7 dogs who are also alone. None of them are fixed so the usual happens. Sometimes she sells them or gives them away. Sometimes they are just added to the group. Guess where they relieve themselves? Wherever they want. She doesn't make a habit if cleaning it up promptly when she gets home so her house stinks and her clothes often stink of dog and urine. The dogs have never been groomed and those with long hair are matted. She feeds them by emptying a bag of food onto the kitchen floor. And she wants mom to live with her. We got into a big fight then she turned to mom and said how bad I am for her. We are going to try to move. A few days later was MD and it was tense. They came to the house--ate, drank wine, and left me to clean up. I give up.
(1)
Report
I finally spoke with my sister today. She told me that our brother, "golden boy," is having some major problems at his job. He's 58 yrs. old. He's been at this job for about 15 yrs., now. They're non-union, and basically from the story.....it sounds like his manager is just making it so hard, by writing him up, and riding him continuously. We think they just want to elbow him out. He's freaking out!
Then, apparently he's just been putting up with this scenario for quite some time, as he described it to my sister, "They're following him around w/a clip board, doing the neg write ups." Of course I know I've written about him here w/respect to how he's dealt in the family, which at times wasn't the best way, when he was the POA for mom and the battle ax. But I am saddened to hear about this nevertheless. I want to call him, and I don't know what to say to, quite frankly.
He's the one who threw his wife out 2 yrs. ago, and hasn't really sat down to talk with her at all. Three of his grown sons, 24, 27, and 31 yrs. old, live w/him.
So my sister started to tell me that my brother told her he had no one to really talk to in his family about these events. Of course, my sister told me that she knows how he feels because many times she doesn't share all of her problems w/her kids. I thought about this later, and it occurred to me, "Yeah, but they aren't kids anymore either." I know my brother more than likely covers all bills in his home, mortgage. I doubt it that these sons of his pay any rent. Anyway, what do some of you who have grown kids say about this. Do you think someone in my brother's shoes should just be honest w/his kids about what's going on. I tend to think, that yes he should. They're not little kids anymore.
So I gave a big chant for him, that he has the strength to maintain some perspective about his situation.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
(1)
Report
I am aware that I wrapped my whole life around my children and now that I am almost completely retired I am really feeling it. I can't teach piano and be travelling as much as I do. I love getting away. It's coming back that is so painful. My heart goes out to all who are primary caregivers. I would have to care for my mother at a distance if my brother wasn't financially dependent on her and running her errands. His wife has borderline personality disorder and I have just recently realized my mother has narcissistic personality disorder - the way of dealing with these people is the same apparently so my brother has already had over 30 years experience which gives him a huge edge on dealing with the queen mother. I'm praying to take one day at a time and remember this too shall pass. Fourteen years in Al-Anon has been such a blessing. I keep praying the Serenity Prayer which helps too. Your posts make me laugh. I will stay tuned. Thank you.
(4)
Report
Margeaux~Can your brother go to HR? It sounds like harassment to me. He should document everything...I hate when employers do this in order to force you to quit. Your brother needs to check into his retirement to see if he can financially handle retirement or look for another job online while he puts up with this behavior. From what you have posted in the past, his kids were not very supportive when he had surgery, if that is still the case, they probably are too immature to realize the severity of this situation since dad has always taken care of everything. Sending out prayers and positive thoughts. Hugs to you and the family.
(2)
Report
I will be reading as many as I can when Im in a relaxed mood. Thank you for this venting topic. I overstayed my welcome with another forum for my kids issues and am just going vent today and thats it. ( Since this is about us care giving for our loved ones)

Raising a difficult child with issues as well as the other child possibly having issues, its hard to please everyone and have a semi stress free life. My daughter blames me for not buying a game console calling me a lier and breaking my promise, but it was my grandfather( who I am caring for) who actually promised it and now has told her to wait.But its my fault and Im the one who broke my promise she says.And shes constantly letting me know this :( My youngest has ADHD and anger issues and its hard. Any who, on my families ideas of caring for my grandfather is for him to hire people to be there if he doesn't want a NH. Again today, he didnt agree, but I have to get a job and as much as I don't want to leave my grandfather alone while I look then I pray when I find one, I have to or I will loose custody of my kids and if anything happens to him, my home for my kids. I love him beyond words, and Im no where near perfect but I am losing the bonds/time with my small kids and am having trouble balancing everything! And everyone!
(1)
Report
Oh, I did fail to mention since Im new here, yes, I come from half family who puts money and racist remarks come before family and love among various issues, other part of my family ( some) has mental health or alcohol/ drug issues,but at least this side attempts to love each other...
(2)
Report
Me, daughter sounds like a teenager in the throes of hormones or just spoiled. Living with grandpa is taking a toll on your children and she is acting out. A game console? What does that have to doo with caring for Grandpa? You need to make a life for your children first, and perhaps everyone would be better off if Grandpa were to go to a facility. You children are your first responsibility.
(1)
Report
Margeaux-
Those nephews are certainly old enough for your brother to sit them down and tell them it is not a free ride any longer. Those three boys should be contributing to household expenses! Brother has coddled them long enough. Are they working? What kind of toys do they buy with their earnings?

Brother should check with HR, or an attorney. It could very easily be some sort of age discrimination to reduce their salary expenses by hiring younger inexperienced people. There is so much of that going on but it is disguised as magnitude things. Following him around to write him up, is hard to swallow, but if it is actually occurring, this is harassment.
(2)
Report
Curie~I am here to say that you need to set definite boundaries with your sister. Tell her she is welcome to come over but there will be no drinking in your home/mom's home and if she berates you, you show her the door. The same with drinking. It really is as simple as that. Your mom may get upset with you for it, but you do not have to put up with kind of treatment or behavior. Who has DPOA? What control does your sister have over you other than she is your sister? Your mother will get over it. I kicked my mother out of my house on Thanksgiving Day, this was before the Alz and my mother has borderline personality disorder. She started berating my husband and his family...the issue was my issue with my in-laws...but being BPD, she cant separate the issues as not being her issues.I had to tell her, if you can't say anything positive about my husband and his family, then you need to leave. So she did. I never regretted it and she never did it again.
(2)
Report
My older brother (age 51) lives in the states. He still pays most of the bills. When I tell him that his children should help out, he gets so defensive. They are ALL spenders. No savers. I wonder who he thinks will take care of him when he gets old? By paying for most of the household expenses is no guaranty that they will take care of him in his old age.

Sharyn, the next time sis/niece brings up "evening" up the sexes of grands, you can be just as forthright as them. When they mention your son, you can always turn around and say that niece can just get pregnant and get 2 more girls to even it out. Since she is so concerned about "evening" up the sexes. Maybe this would hush her up. If not, every time they bring it, throw it back in their faces - since they are so concerned about it. Since you miss your daughter so much, have you tried skyping? You can just do it on a weekly schedule. And just update her with your projects for her boys. It will help keep the closeness between you strong - for both of you - you to help with advice on pregnancy, and her to help you be strong with your drinking. {{HUGS}}
(2)
Report
gladimhere- your right, teenager with a side of spoiled...but for many years she is quite and doesn't show facial emotion- well it does happen sometimes when its at home. ( quit when she was around 5years old) no abuse, but family has history of mental disorders. She has a couple other issues too, but we don't live with my grandpa. We live nearby and she is with other family when I'm at my grandpas. I tell her to come with us but she wont. I used to only care for my grandpa lunch/ dinner- once in a while breakfast but its turned into over 18 hours total a day.

He always says my kids first then him, but then he gets upset and denies it when I am running errends, too long with my kids , at my house etc. He denied it all this morning but I told him, I need and will be here for my kids and you need someone here besides me all day to help you.. I need a job. Well, same ol answer. Thank you for advice :)
(1)
Report
Book-i had a good talk with my sister about the genders balance thing. She tends to block out negative info so she did not take the infertility issue with mu son seriously. Now she does. It is hard for my son since his wife's father is an identical twin so she always wanted twins. Her condition is called premature ovarian failure. Skyping is a good idea. I may wait until the boys are born for that since my daughter is opposed to putting pics or videos of the boys on facebook. I want to see how they grow and change especially the first year.
(1)
Report
Have discussion that I started back in 2011 or 2012: Frustrated with my mom! I am at the end of my rope. I will post the last update here. Cause this is how I am doing.

Last time I posted anything was in 2012, has it really been that long ago. Feels like it was only yesterday. The last 4 weeks have been pure He** for me. I slipped back in the mode of running everytime my mom calls for help. Mom had a really doozie of a trip to the hospital last week. She wanted to go to the hospital! She has been on an oxygen concentrator since April 2013 and was only suppose to use it while she slept. But she didn't, she wanted to use it 24/7. We have all tried to explain to her that she will get hooked. She claims she doesn't remember it was only for sleep. Anyway. The trip to the hospital was due to her claim she couldn't she wasn't getting any oxygen and was in pain and she felt like she was gonna pass out. She wanted an ambulance to be called. Two hours after arriving in the ER she is wanting to go home. That was 7 day hospital stay, which she was not ready to come home. She was mean and ugly and verbally attacked my dad and I and even the nurses. She even called 911 and the police came out there. Needless to say she claims she doesn't remember any of this.

I am just so frustrated right now that I don't even know how to put any of this into words. They gave us 4 options on what to do about mom. (1) hospital stay for a month, (2) a rehab, (3) a nursing facitlity, or (4) take her home and have home healthcare come in. My dad on the ride up to the hospital to meet with the doctor my dad told me what he wanted to do if it was a choice. So I don't know why he needed me there. He chose the last option and I told him he should only bring her home if there was already something set in place as far as home health care. He didn't of course.

She has accused me of not wanting her home, of wanting to put her away, of stealing from her, and all kinds of threats. I don't want to see either of my parents in a home. Then when I went down there a couple of days after she got home to checkn on her. As soon as she saw me she started screaming like a 2 year old and was trying to hide under the covers. I told my dad, that was it I can't handle anymore of this.

Then she calls me a couple of days later, asking for my help. I asked her where is dad. She gives me a vague answer, so I go down there. Talked her out of what she was wanting to do. Then she asked me If I had talked to my sister, cause she has been calling her and my sister won't return her calls. My mom and my sister has not spokening in almost 3 years cause of some nasty things my mom has sad and a done to her. She still runs my sister down to her kids. I am like OH I SEE you can't get no one to your side of things. I did not tell her that. But she used to do that all of my life. When she was mad at one of us, she would call the other and talk bad about who ever she was mad at.

I could go on on and on about this situation. But I just needed to vent. I miss everyone here! I feel ashamed of myself for not keeping in touch.
(1)
Report
it's too bad that our parents brought him up thinking he was like a little king, golden boy.

He's even spilled some beans to her w/regards to his attitude w/in the circle he works with. He claims that it's a clique. That other employees, "kiss a**," to proper parties. These guys end up getting the less demanding assignments at his job. This in turn leaves my brother w/the worst of the work. But he also apparently, expressed that "I don't kiss a**." I had to point out to my sister,
that in any job there's always politicking and yes....unfortunately we have to be willing to play the game a bit, if you have this environment which you've chosen to be in. WE KNOW our brother too, so here's the other side. He has an enormous ego, and has a penchant towards expressing himself in very brash and glib way. I can't disspell the fact, possibly his own contributions to some of the conflict.
So I'm waiting for a call from my sister to see whether he spoke to this rep.
I can just really see the dysfunction at work here.
Thanks so much for your suggestions,
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
(1)
Report
Sharynmarie,

The post about my brother, was a reply to you.
I don't know what happened to the first paragraph.
But, let me remember what I wrote......I think it was that I agreed w/you, and looked it up about employers/employee rights. He should go to HR, and file,
and yes....."harrassment." He needs to do it also while still in their employ, or if he ever wanted to take it to court it would have to be documented, or no go!
One of his sons, youngest is working for a company, (don't know which one).
Anyway, to that end the son put my bro in contact w/some Teamster's.
He had an appt. today, so hopefully they'll refer him to an employment attorney.
He worked at this company for 15 yrs., so I think he should try some kind of action, no matter what the condition is. Interesting, how the golden boy is feeling like such a victim, but it relates to how he neglects important matters.

Again, Thanks!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
(2)
Report
Glad,

Yes, you are right on! I'd written in the past about this brother and how that's all he's done concerning his kids, is coddle them to the hilt. I just found out actually from hearing this saga that the three sons are now employed. I think in the past only the eldest was, and I think he works for the same company as his dad,
but different location. The 2nd son....just finished an occupational school. He's now a welder. The youngest...don't know the company but he's also working.
Thank the cosmos......w/in the last year his daughter finally moved out of the family household w/her two kids, w/the father of them. She and the eldest son,
had their kids there at bro's all the time, for baby sitting, of course by none other than their dad.

At least though......the welder son after hearing of dad's job stuff, told my sister if the worst happened.....he'd pay the bills. So, that made me feel good. As I told Sharynmarie, the youngest got him in touch w/Teamsters. The eldest son, he's a nice guy. Actually the son's are nice guys. I think because my brother just hasn't made some rules, they're sometimes in la la land. I have hopes they're growing up. A lot has happened in that household, in the last 2 yrs., when bro threw their mother out. Yikes!

Anyway, I just hold out positive hopes for everyone concerned.

Thank you, It's so good to know other's feel as I do, because sometimes since i know we're in the minority, it could make us feel a little loco, for thinking as we do.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
(1)
Report
Sharynmarie,

This is unbelievable what your sister and her daughter are talking about.
What instigators, and busy bodies! Honestly, time to mind their own business.
I know you've written about what a pain your sister can be, but I didn't imagine this. Are they aware about your son and DIL's infertility issues? Maybe it's time to have a serious talk with your sister. This is really a case of messing with people's emotions! Boundaries!

You're in my thoughts.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
(1)
Report
Braziliansun,

Welcome to the thread. What kinds of needs does your mother have?
Maybe they are the type that demand higher care, and the people/agency you are using is not capable. Mom has caregiviers. She's had her share. Some are just not the talky kind of folks. Maybe some think that a less than cognitive person, that they can't have conversations with them. I've never heard of this being a requirement (unfortunately) by CG's. It would be nice.
Mother had this one CG who was very affectionate w/her, and tried talking what ever little mom communicates nowadays. Others, they are just basically babysitters, and do whatever things that need to get done.

If you feel as if the level of care is becoming too demanding for in-home CG's to handle, maybe it is time for you to look for either specialized help, or an ALF/NH.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
(1)
Report
Kim,
What a hard circumstance! That's pretty bad your mom calling 911, and she had the strength to do this after a hospital stay. Whoah Nellie! It's unbelievable what a narcissist is capable of doing. Do you live with them? Who's the in charge person there? If your dad is cognizant, maybe it's time to have a long and hard talk with him.

I remember dad was almost sent home from the hospital after his stroke.
Medical services people showed up w/oxygen tanks for him. I was living there watching out for both he and mom at the time, since he had cancer, then he had a stroke. But even I, freaked out at the thought, now we (unqualified people) would have the job of monitoring dad w/the oxygen. Can your dad handle something like this, if they're living alone? Something went south, if she started to have the oxygen 24/7.

Maybe it's time to speak to DPSS, for some advice.
Mom's currently in a Hospice situation, and nurses and bathers come to her house. In essence at least there's some kind of outside monitoring of some delicate health situations. Try looking into this, it's called Palliative Care.

My very best,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
(1)
Report
Well back to the family dysfunction. My Narc shark niece and her pleasantly sweet husband had taken in 3 addition children when his mother passed away in the 90's. My niece had good intentions, but she was ill equipped to deal with and resented their intrusion to their family of 4. The eldest child they took in is actually her husband's step sister. the middle child is also a step sister...both these girls have different fathers who died before they were born. The second girl has developmental problems is probably at a 6 year old level at the the age of 20. The third child is actually a niece of my niece's husband. Her mother was a hooker in the LA area at the time they took her in. Because of too many difficulties with this child, my niece sent her back to her mother after she quit being a hooker. This niece is the one I say is a Narc shark too. The eldest of these 3 girls is around 23 years old now. My niece had little to do with her while she was in college, would not allow her in their home during routine breaks from school. This girl has supposedly been diagnosed with a disorder where she cannot attack herself to others in a healthy way due to lack of nurturing as a child. A PD? Probably.

Here is the kicker...:

Suddenly my niece and my sister are a grandmother and a great mother to this woman's baby who was born today...Yes, thats right...they want the acknowledgement of this honor. OH H#!! not from me...when zombies can love without their skin peeling off their face...then maybe I can acknowledge it....Maybe all that Merle Norman cosmetics my sister uses can prevent the peel, but really??? And my niece....suddenly she is a grandma when she wouldn't allow this girl in her home for 4 years.

The camouflage of being perfect...
(1)
Report
my cat is home the problem is his not wanting to eat-I have to give him meds -one to stimulate his appetite -which is liquid and have t get into his mouth using a syringe without a needle which he takes pretty good and another paste for hairballs which I put on his paw-he ate a very small amount of dry food and almost no canned food-all his tests came back neg.so the problem is no appetite -I am not sure he is going to make it.
(2)
Report
Oh Austin, poor puss. Is he thirsty? - drinking more than usual? How old is he? Thinking of you x
(1)
Report
Austin thinking of you and your cat.they become members of the family it is hard when they are so sick. I have wondered why when all hope is gone for our sick and demented ones there isn't euthanasia for them. It is just so terribly emotional to watch our loved ones die bit by bit and the loved one wouldn't want it this way either.
(1)
Report
Ohgodohgodohgodohgod… mother's 90th birthday is six weeks away and it's time to get the invitations to her party sent out. We have to decide: whether to have the party on the day, which is a Thursday, or the following weekend; where to have it; how many people to invite; and what the budget is.

ENTIRELY predictable: I sent round an email yesterday asking for input. Sister replies straight away saying not Central London (where all mother's elderly friends can get to easily). SIL, two hours later, rings to say she's booked a pub near their house (but with no public transport at all, and it's miles from anywhere - including us!). From now on I am naming this SIL "Deputy Dawg" on account of whenever I try to contact my brother we get her on the phone instead. And other brother? No answer is the stern reply.

I just want to tell them to sort it out and go and lie down in a darkened room. Actually, I think I might do that...
(2)
Report
Oh CM when you get up go ahead and book something in central London (more expensive than the local pub but---------------) then tell SIL to cancel her booking. I realize she is shall we say medically compromised but it is not her call. Make it a lunch and a buffet. these old gals will tire quickly and want to go home Invite one caregiver for each if they need assistance, but have a seperate caregiver table. Those that need feeding should not be invited. I would suggest a group of about 20 so mom does not get too confused. Make this for Mom's friends not family. Let SIL host something just for family or do a little "do" for family at your house at least a week later or maybe on the actual birthday - you know most of them wont come.
if you do one part at your house arrange a mini bus from the closest station to meet a certain train from London. Have the whole thing catered again for a limited group. There must be some enterprising farmers wife who would do it for you. All delicious, home grown and home made. Delicious I might just invite myself. I am not 94 but could pass on a bad day.
(4)
Report
Great tips Veronica. I had automatically thought weekday - because not everyone can attend. I also figured that since it's mom's bday, then it should be where her friends can attend. By going where SIL is, her friends won't be able to go. So, maybe you do the weekday with the friends. And the family can do the weekend celebration. Just tell mom that she's so special, that you're celebrating it twice. Money may be a problem when you split the party like this.
(2)
Report
Thank you both of you sane people! I know it's my own problem, but the problem I have with this is the instant childish gorge rising so that you want to say "fine! Do what you like! Just DON'T expect me to come!"… Very hard to remember that actually we do all just want mother to have a nice time.

AND, just in the nick of time, mother has woken up! She came with me to our local venue this afternoon - we had tea there, as 'mystery shoppers', and it was lovely. Very good service, good menu, sister's happy with it (haven't heard back from brothers), and best of all mother has begun to get excited about her party. She's even chosen the dishes for the buffet for her guests - I'm delighted, but astonished - she hasn't taken any interest in entertaining since I don't know when.

So even if it's just the two or three of us sitting down to lunch with Champagne and cake to follow at least we know we'll like the food! And it won't be, anyway - people always do surprise you with the trouble they're prepared to go to, I know her friends will be there come hell or high water.

Deep breath and relaaaaaaaaaax - otherwise it's going to be some tough going!
(3)
Report
Book- I need some input from you regarding the kindle. Lately with kindle, the advertising on the right side has jumped to the left side blocking me from reading the posts. ..are you experiencing this? AC...if you read this do you have answers or suggestions to stop this...very frustrating.
(0)
Report
Sharyn, I don't have the problem with my kindle. But when my kindle freezes (quite often), I do a hard shut down.

First, make sure it's fully charged. Unplug it from the outlet or computer. I'd close down all the sites you have open. Wireless on. Hold the OFF button down, until a pop up asks if you want to shut it down. Yes.

Turn it on. Now let's clean your cache. Go to the Agingcare website.
On the top left (or right or bottom - depending on your kindle), hit the white icon that looks like a paper with 3 white lines.
Click on SETTINGS
Scroll down to CLEAR BROWSER DATA ( or to some kindles: Clear all cookie Data...Clear Cache... Clear History) and check mark all or just the cookie.

Hopefully this will work. If not, there is a complicated instruction on how to check your settings from your computer with the kindle connected. I never tried this so... hopefully the above works. =)
(2)
Report

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter