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CORRECTION: Hard Shut down is that you hold the Power Button down for about 10 seconds. When the pop up window opens, IGNORE it. Continue to hold the button down until the kindle shuts off.
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195Austin: Try finding a natural vet in your area: http://www.ahvma.org/
Good luck.
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Hello everyone, I don't often get on this site. But when I do I always seem to say the wrong thing or maybe I am on the wrong thread. who knows. Anyway, once someone responded to my "venting" with "you are only there to get the money and pad your checking account so "buck up" or get out. The next time I made the mistake of talking about my aging mothers behavior, eating odd stuff, we make sure she has the "right" stuff in the house, which she eats.....but she loves her sweets, eggs and tomato anything. She doesn't sleep well anymore she just naps but she is safe we live in the basement and can hear when she is up. But I was told on this site that adult protection should be called in or someone will be calling them on "me". This person never asked me any questions about our situation, just passed judgement on me from my words. I was venting and left out the details. My childhood was scary and I ended up with PTSD as result. I feel my mother deserves love, compassion, and peace in her life now. I moved here because my brother and sister couldn't be bothered. I felt sorry for this woman, my mother, and decided it was time someone cared about what happened to her. I am not feeling "special" just trying to do the right thing for my mother. We have always clashed, but we are finding our way. She is confusing, but she is doing the only things she knows how to do. She is who and what she is. I respect her for all that she did do that was good in her life. she is a strong woman, she is going deaf and slowly going blind. And there is nothing that can be done to stop that. She is terrified of the aging process because it something that she can't control. I understand that. I try to show her kindness and caring and most of the time she accepts it, but every now and then she will say or do something unkind. that is her way. She makes me smile and cry, but that is my mother. I only want her to be safe, warm, and cared for at this point in her life. I am not perfect, I never was. I am going to make mistakes along the way. It is the beauty of being human. Thank you for listening I pray the angels will guide you all in what you are trying to do, I want all of you to find peace in your efforts to keep your loved one safe. Thank you
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LadyDi-
There are some on this site that will say things without thinking about how it may impact the person actually providing the care for an aging loved one. And sometimes they come from where they are that day. They may be having a particularly stressful day. Some do not provide the day to day care which is a very difficult job. In a facility, family caregivers have delegated care to others and I'm sure have issues as to whether things are being handled appropriately or not. Whether your loved one is in a facility or being cared for at home there are challenges, though very different.

I have seen some things said, that could be easily taken as attacks. Sometimes people write things and they are not interpreted correctly. Most on this site, especially if providing day to day care will agree with the concept of being paid. It is permitted by Medicaid to the extent of what care agencies charge, though few receive that much as payment and many are fortunate to receive any compensation at all.
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Lady-welcome to this thread. No judgements here. You will get support, you can share safely or just vent. What you are doing is hard enough without someone accusing you or judging you. Come back anytime.
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Hello again,
Well, things are settling down a little. It has been a full two weeks with my inlaws living with us. At first, my FIL was angry and upset and kept demanding to go home. My MIL would argue with him that this was his home now, and he would get mad and say ugly things to Charles and I. I started managing their meds, my MIL was not able to see enough to get the right pills for each of them at the right times. Since I have been doing that, they have settled down a bit. I think that was a problem, that they have been taking this handful of meds for decades and not taking them was affecting them. Anyway, that part is better. I have also been cooking for them, and also providing them with baked goods, which they love. Both are severely underweight. My MIL was 80 lbs when she arrived. Went to the Dr. with her yesterday and she is 87 lbs. Most she has been in several years. So I feel that is a success. Haven't been able to get FIL on the scale, Charles might be able to. Even underweight he is too heavy for me! I am starting to feel a bit less stressed about all this.

I did notice something over the past few days. At night my FIL (who has mid to late dementia) has been getting agitated. He wanders around the house looking for my MIL, who has slept in a separate bedroom for decades. And looking for his wallet, which he hides inside his pillowcase. I was reading something on a website that this actually has a name, and is part of the dementia/Alzheimers mix. That is actually a relief, because I was worried that he was getting worse. Well, he is getting worse but the confusion is happening more at night. I am also wondering if the meds he takes at night are causing some of this. He gets his meds from the VA, I think. I am trying to figure out their situation, but neither can give me much info. Anyway, one of the things he takes is called Milltown, which is for anxiety, I think. I read some info on it, and one of the things that can happen when it is taken for long periods of time is that it stops working. It should be relaxing him and making him drowsy, but maybe it isn't. I need to figure out how to get him transferred to the VA here and see if I can ask the doctor then.

This is the hardest part for me, ferreting out the information when they are not able to give it coherently. And figuring out how to deal with state and government agencies for care. I think there is a caregivers class that I can take somewhere, has anyone else done this?

Thanks for listening, this group is saving my sanity.
Christine
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LadyDi,
Sometimes people hit 'send' too soon. I hear you about trying to take care of your mother without support. You are doing the best you can, and that you are doing it all is amazing. Not everyone will do the caregiving. And I am glad you are at least getting some compensation, as you are giving up your life to do this.

Peace,
Christine
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You sound as though you are coping very well with your new guests. It is so good that you are ready to educate yourself for what will be a difficult ride. FIL has what is call 'Sundowning". it happens when the patient becomes agitated from as early as mid afternoon till literally when the sun goes down and this may continue all night.
As you have realized you need to get both in laws to see an MD and sort out their medications and if necessary add something for FIL. numbers are not as important where weight is concerned as long as they are willingly eating a good diet and appear to be in good health. Rest assured that you are doing a good job.
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Margeaux - Thanks for responding. My mom called 911 during the hospital stay. No I do not live with them. I live three house up from them. My dad is the in charge person there but I help out ALOT with my mom. I have talked to my dad about health issues dealing with my mom. My dad feels bad for mom and think he is helping her. Dad and I both monitor the oxgyen situation. More so he cause he is there all the time with her. But it just gets to the point of have to tell them repeatedly about things that needs to need to be done and my dad saying you can't maker her do what she doesn't want to do. I totally get that! It is just so frustrating cause I am not trying to harm her but help her.

I am sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I know it is hard on all of us! I will look into what you suggested.

Thanks again! Hugs to you!! Kim
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Austin,

Poor kitty. Have you tried rotating on the brand of his food?
I know that when Vanilla was alive (cat shared by my husband & neighbor),became older he started to have stomach issues. She started to change the brands of food he was eating. He ate better with some brands.
I do remember he becoming extra picky. He didn't want to eat wet food for awhile, too.

It's hard when our little pets are having a difficult time.
O.K., try giving him some little kitty massages. They really love it when
you massge their heads.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Ladydi,

Welcome. Maybe you were on the wrong site! No one has the right to judge a caregiver, especially for being paid. This attitude of not acknowledging the $$ value a person w/in the family doing the caregiving is wrong. Actually, in many instances I even find it to be exploitive. Just because you are a relative of the person who needs care, and if situations make it impossible for that CG to work outside the home, there's nothing wrong about receiving a paycheck for this.
But overall, it just goes to show you how society views this. Unfortunately, I also think this invariably affects women. Besides, it sounds like you're doing 24/7, so yes.......it merits a paycheck, in my book. If I were doing that for my mother, I have to admit I would be in a position, financially speaking where I would look into this kind of arrangement. I've often read about CG's that go through so much stress who aren't paid, all until the time of death of a loved one. It's dog gone hard enough, just making sure all their needs get met, but what about a CG's??

You're doing the best you can by your mother. I can tell by your post also that you can see both sides of it. Congratulations.
Come here and vent anytime, and share all you want. There's nobody making judgments here. This is safe territory.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Ladydi,

I meant to say......maybe you were on the wrong thread.
Margeaux
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Camaryllis - do I understand you correctly that you are trying to ascertain medical history info for your FIL and he gets care through VA? If that is the case, the VA has a website that's fairly new, they call it the My HealtheVet site, when I clicked the link just now to verify URL it popped up differently, so looks like they are making some changes to the site, but just search for it and you should find it easily. You have to set up login credentials to use the site, and you might need to call someone or go into VA for assistance for that. BUT - once you have access to the site, it has all medical history, meds they are taking, doctor's care they are under, etc. You can make appointments and order Rx refills directly from that web portal. (I think "portal" is proper term for that type of website…)
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Hello everybody, I want to catch up on some reading on the thread and see how you all are doing. I've been on Facebook more and more and more lately, which I see as a good thing since I'd like to make friends/connections in my area. I've reconnected with old friends, made some new acquaintances, and my social calendar is full of things I could do every single day, if I wanted to. My energy level seems to be coming up slow and steady. I find myself taking notice of simple things, simple feelings, that are positive. I have tried to think what is causing the positive direction of health and I think it may be largely new air purifier and then maybe I'm just getting back on track after so many illnesses in March/April. I am juicing green veggie juice here and there, and the HVAC ducts got a thorough clean out… so… just feeling better in general than I have in awhile and I'm very pleased. There's a local job fair next week on 20th, I figure I will go and check it out. I don't know exactly how I can commit to a work schedule with still so many medical appointments ongoing for my dad, but doesn't hurt to just go to job fair…

And would you believe it snowed in Chicago today?!? Where is global warming when you need it? ;-) Happy Friday, everyone, will get caught up on some reading and be back later.
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Book~Thank you for the info, I did all of it but it did not help. It is really strange because it only happens when I go onto a thread to read the posts. I can read the first post with everything on the right side as it should be, but once I scroll down to the second post on the page, the ads jump over to the left side blocking me from reading, as I continue to scroll down, the ads jump back to the right side when I reach the last post on the page. Anyway, Ashley, the community moderator, sent me an email and said they are looking into it. It only started doing this the last couple days. I will stick to my computer when reading AC. Thank you Ashley, you are always so great about responding to our little issues with the site!!
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You all know I have posted about my lower back pain, leg and knee pain. Anyway, when I got off work last night, I stopped at Walgreens to buy Mineral Ice. This is not recommended, but I have never had any ill effects from doing this....I rub the Mineral Ice over my lower back then apply the heating pad. It provides a deep penetrating heat to the muscles of my lower back. When I got up this morning...no deep bone aching in my back or legs. People who have thin skin with no fatty tissue or have sensitive skin could actually receive burns from doing this so again I don't recommend it for everyone.

Taking mom out for a haircut and color late this afternoon and out to dinner after. I also have to take her eye glasses in as on of the lenses has come out of the frame. I think they will need to get new lenses because it looks chipped in a couple places. I also have to get her some new eyebrow pencils...she will look all dolled up by the time I bring her back and well fed, LOL!!

Next week, I actually get 2 consecutive days off!!! I am so excited about that...all the things I need to catch up on here at home. Sad to think I get excited about catching up at home, Hahaha!!
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Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for all of your support. Your words helped me find peace. No I am not getting paid for what goes on here. There is no money. I am here (with my husband) because we (I) didn't want to see her alone, as physically and mentally she started to slow down. We are doing the best we know how. We honestly did not know what was going to come our way. I knew she was "difficult" (leftovers from the past), but some where I decided time may have softened her heart. Well, we all have dreams :) but to read your words, I started to feel better about what is going on. My mother can and does test our patiences (spelling is bad) I know we don't always cook things she likes but we don't like tomatoes that much. We work at keeping her safe, we have caught at least 3 different events where there would have been a fire due to electricity shorts. I can't tell you the number of times we have walked up over the stairs and she had let something on the stove cook down to blackened food and that is not what it was suppose to be. She can still take care of herself in a limited form. We are trying to keep her dignity intact. But when there is a goof up on her part, and we have to tell her what has happened and why she can't do that "thing" anymore, she takes offense and pouts. I understand that as we age we become "children" again in our reaction to life. Oh, well. We care about this woman and how she lives out the rest of her life. Because one day it will be our turn to be the old one. She seems very afraid of this aging process and my heart goes out to her. She has basically out lived her body and she can't do anything about it. She was always a very controlling person, this is something that is out of her control. I don't say this with any disrespect for her, I say this in pity. Thank you all again and thank you for listening one more time. I will be back again soon. Thank you for the invitation to this thread.
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LadyDi,

I'm so sorry, I don't know how the heck I got the impression you said something about people judging you about being paid to be your mom's CG. It' must be the heat! HAAH!

O.K., you and your husband are doing a great job, and you have a good/pragmatic outlook about it.

Hugs, Do come back,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Well, quick update on the gas well situation here. Older sis stopped by today to talk about the matter, and when it was brought up, she launched right into what she "thought was the right thing to do" and how she "wanted it for a legacy to her kids/grandkids", etc. Never once did she ask HER MOTHER, the owner of the 1/16 share in the gas well, what HER wishes were - it was all "I want, I want, I want" and what SHE thought was the best thing to do. (And yet, she claims it's not about the money - that she just wants it to be able to hand something down to her kids/grandkids - even if it's just a piece of paper saying Mom owned the well. What?!?) I was extremely frustrated. The long and short of it is that my other siblings and I all agreed (as did Mom) to just give older sis the entire 1/16 share in the well - let her do what she wants with it.

(grumble) I'm not angry that she is getting it, I'm angry about the way she handled it. Just marched right into this situation and immediately assumed everyone felt the same way, which they don't. My other 2 siblings think Mom's wishes should be honored but none of us are willing to fight with older sis over a piddling $400 a year (if it actually continues to pay that much out).

So, I guess it's all straightened out...to *someone's* satisfaction. Just not mine. But I have to accept it and just move on.
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Sharyn, be very careful with that mineral ice and heating pad. I once did the same thing with bengay. Well I got burned and ended up with three blisters on my back that were the size of half dollars (everyone knows how big they are, don't see them much any more, I wonder why?). And another time I was sitting on the couch with the heating pad between my back and the couch and all of the sudden it was getting very hot. The darn thing had caught fire. At least I hadn't fallen asleep with it there and was able to just get the thing out un the yard. So, just be very careful.
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Glad~Thank you, I understand what you are saying. Ben Gay is more potent than mineral ice because I used it on my shoulder once and it burned my skin. I am not saying the mineral ice won't do the same, because it has the potential to do it too. It is with great caution that I do this with a cloth between my skin and the heating pad.

I took mom out for her haircut and color. Everything went well, but...because the appt was at 4pm....mom was obsessing greatly...sundowning...I did not consider that when I made the appt. So never again a late afternoon appt. We had dinner after the appt. Then I took her back to the community memory care unit. I had a big scare when we got in there. One of the residents, Sarah, had escaped!!! They did not know how she got out because no alarms or motion sensors went off. Goodness, I was scared and did not know whether to leave my mom there. As God looks after his children, she was found in the courtyard a short time later. I think Sarah probably followed someone out without them realizing she came out behind them. We all have a password to get in and out of the memory care, without alarms going off, it is the only way I can see she got out. There have been times when I would be leaving that she would be right behind me, but I am always looking because my mother tends to try to follow me out too. They are going to investigate why and how it happened which we let them know we wanted it investigated too. Sarah is more advanced than my mother, she tends to spend most of her time walking the hallways, talking to herself and if you acknowledge her, she will respond then giggles manically.I am just so glad she was found safe...very scary and this can happen when you have a loved one at home too so please don't say this is why my parent is not in a facility. Thank you!!
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Sharyn, I have the same problem with my tablet of the ads overlapping th posting section when I zoom in far enough to read posts easily.
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Our local N/H has wrist alarms that patient who may wander wear. If they try and leave the building open door or not the alarm goes off. Maybe you should metion this to mom's unit manager .
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Veronica~They use the wrist alarms too but I don't know if Sarah has one on. She probably does now if she didn't before. My mom wore one for several months but after we moved her to another room that was not near an exist, she stopped trying to leave. I still think she followed someone out without them knowing she was behind them. I hope they find out how it happened or if there is a problem with the security system, they get it fixed quickly.
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I remember when Dad was in the NH for a few months before his passing - they had alarms clipped to the back of the wandering residents' shirts. (Pretty effective - they couldn't reach it to take it off, even if they tried.) If they got within 5' of any of the doors, they set off an ear-splitting alarm. One of the residents was particularly bad about trying to get out the door. The resident would shuffle up to the door, get to the 5' mark, stop and look around to see if anyone was watching her - and if they weren't, she'd make an all-out charge for the door in an attempt to beat the alarm. Fortunately, because she was rather slow-moving, the staff always caught her and brought her back, gently reminding her that she needed to stay in the building. She would grumble and curse at them all the way back. Kind of comical, but kind of sad too.
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There are problems with those security systems sometimes. The day program my mom participates in has had problems, on occasion, that is solved when the system is reset. On one occasion a man wearing a sensor was leaving and the alarm was not triggered, but when staff brought him back in the alarm sounded.
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No system is perfect all the time. I made the mistake of telling my sister...I know she had a right to know, but my sis is also too reactive. I understand her concern and it is reasonable to be concerned, so she is going to order an Alzheimer's ID bracelet for mom. I told her not to get something expensive as I know my sister, she only 100% sterling silver is good enough for her. I don't fault her for her concern, however, the ID bracelet is not going to prevent mom from escaping if she has the motivation and opportunity. I prefer that steps be taken to prevent the escape. I do believe this is an isolated incident. Yes, Susan, the alarms are ear splitting when they go off even with the wrist alarms. We can ask that they put the wrist alarm back on our mother, but I doubt that it is necessary. My mom has progressed more than I realized since she has been there. I always visit in the morning or late morning. I could see the difference yesterday with the sundowning in the late afternoon. She was even having trouble pronouncing words. She was obsessed with the trees blowing outside the restaurant, saying look at the keys blowing, or look at the crees blowing. She focused on people walking outside the restaurant who just left, saying who is that, what are they doing, look at that fat man, LOL!! Yes I won't be taking her out that late in the afternoon again.
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It seems to me that a lot of people here might benefit from Codependents Anonymous. It is based on the very effective AA 12 Step program and is a place to vent and get some perspective on stressful situations with dysfunctional relationships:

http://www.coda.org/meetings/index.php
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Thomas are you caring for an elderly demented parentt alone?
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Yes. My mother has advanced cerebellar ataxia, (atrophy of the brain stem). For the last 3-4 years she has been unable to walk and requires total assistance 24/7. She developed pneumonia about a month ago, but has recovered though there is still fluid on the lung. Still waiting for results from CT scan and echocardiogram last week.
A visiting nurse and physical therapist were unable, or unwilling to lift her and were no help. They were only interested in getting her into a paid facility. This state has one of the worst records for elder abuse and she would be totally helpless. She barely weighs 100 lbs and is no problem for me to carry.
I have plenty of other interests to keep me occupied otherwise. I went to CodA meetings for two years many years ago and found them very helpful. It is all about your own attitude and resisting what others think is "normal."
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