Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing

34K Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
235 236 237 238 239
ok, it has only been two weeks and I am at my wits end. FIL is mid to late stage dementia. He doesn't know who his son is, and keeps accusing him of being his mother's boyfriend. He is in crazytown most of the time now. It has gotten markedly worse since he has been here. He wants to go home. He thinks we are keeping him prisoner. There is nothing we can say that sinks in, I know it is the disease but it is so hard. He is also not a very nice person in his right mind. He is a bully, and has taken a couple of swings at Charles. He has also been trying to intimidate his wife, physically barring her from leaving a room while he rants at her about her supposed boyfriend. He is 87, she is 84. Really.
Charles is going to call a lawyer Monday to find out about guardianship, he is not in his right mind most of the time.
So now the question is how can we get him into a nursing home of some kind. Assisted living is not enough, he needs to be somewhere where he can't wander off. Does anyone know anything about this? I read somewhere that if it comes down to it, we can call the ambulance when he is violent and he can be taken to the hospital for observation, and then we don't have to take him back. I know this sounds cold, and it is killing me. But I don't know what to do. I am afraid now to leave him here with just his wife for a few hours a day. Charles and I work opposite shifts, but there is a gap between our worktimes.
I guess the first thing is guardianship? And they have a falling down house that will likely need to be sold to finance this.
Thanks for listening...
Christine
(0)
Report
Christine you can certainly call an ambulance and the police when he becomes violent and he will be admited to the hospital for "observation". You are then free to refuse to take him back home. I realize you feel horrible having to do this but it may be the only solution. having guardianship will not help your situation because you will still be responsible for him even though you can make decisions. it is also an expensive process and takes time. Do not expect to be treated nicely or kindly if you have to resort to this.Expect a lot of bullying from hospital staff but stand your ground if not for dad he may kill Mom when there is no one home and he gets worse. Keep us informed about how this goes. Turn off the ulilities to their house if you have not already done so and change the locks in case he fools the staff and they call a cab. Document his behaviour and vidiota[pe it and photograph and bruises mom may have.
(1)
Report
Thank you Veronica. This is killing me...and you are right, I need to take precautions to make sure he doesn't do anything crazy(ier). MIL is on board with the hospital thing. And she has now confessed to being abused by him in the past. Today's fun was that he took a steak knife from dinner and had it on the dresser in his room. I am keeping detailed diaries of all this, for whatever it might be worth.
I am so shocked that he has gone downhlll so quickly. I thought he would settle down at some point and start to get it that he can't go home. But it has gotten worse. I feel so sad for him, I am sure it is a loss of control thing. But I have to keep everyone in my household safe, and crazy is not compatible with safe.

Sigh.
Thank you
Christine
(0)
Report
Sorry SDO I accidentally reported your post
(0)
Report
Thank you, Shakingdustoff...I was thinking of calling 911 and I assumed they would take him to emergency room, but maybe they would take him for observation at the psych hospital. I don't know how this all works...have only been dealing with this fro two weeks.
Whew.
Thanks for listening
Christine
(0)
Report
I don't know where you are and what laws your state has but i would call the police when he is at his worse and tell them you want him taken to ER because he indagering his wife and you. I think they will have to take him to the nearest ER then it is up to the Drs there to transfer him to a psychiatric hospital. make sure the police know he has advanced dementia so they don't just arrest him. He needs treatment not punishment. best to ask for the police and an ambulance. Does MIL have POA?
(0)
Report
Hi Veronica,
No POA yet, they have only been here for two weeks and haven't gotten that squared away yet. And yes, he needs care not punishment.
Cross your fingers for me...
Thanks for listening,
Christine
(1)
Report
Christine, whatever you have to do to get him properly assessed and out of your MIL's face, for heaven's sake don't feel bad about it. You and Charles have stepped in in the nick of time, by the sound of it. Hope you get somewhere fast, best of luck, and WELL DONE.
(1)
Report
I am really stressing tonight. When I went to work yesterday at 4 pm, the dept. had run out of whole chickens to cook in the rotisserie oven. They were scrambling to find a store who would give us some chickens. They located 2 boxes at the store I worked at here in town. Now why did they wait until 4pm to do this? I could have picked the chickens up on my way in to work?? The cake decorator said she would get the chickens and bring them back. I was at work until 8:53pm. No one showed up with the chickens. They called me this morning around 10am, asking if I would come in ASAP because the decorator called in sick and they were behind. I was also told that "someone" left the whole chickens out in the dept all night. I said I did not see or hear from the decorator once she left so to my knowledge the chickens were not brought in while I was still there. These 2 boxes of chickens (24 total) were spoiled because of having been at room temp all night. Over $100 loss to our dept. The chickens were found in the back of the dept. in the bakery section not the deli section or in the deli walk- in fridge. Why would someone put them in the back and not tell me???? I am possibly facing a write up tomorrow simply because the closer is the last person there and even if others do not communicate, they can chose to blame the closer. I think what happened was the decorator brought the chickens to the store and had a service specialist load them in a grocery cart to take to our dept but did not specifically tell the service specialist they go in the walk-in fridge so the person just took them to the decorators dept. which is bakery and if I was still on shift, did not communicate to me about it. I am thinking that if I get a write up, I will not sign it without a union rep present. I was told they are going to review the camera video to see what time and who brought the chickens in to our dept.
(2)
Report
I
(0)
Report
LOL!!! it posted before I could finish....maybe a good thing???

I just wanted to share something that I find rather funny but at the same time, I can see where this may be causing some embarrassment for my husbands sister.

Her eldest child is 1 year younger than my son, he is clearly homosexual which I and my husband have no issue with. We were told that he approached his mother about this issue and she just held up her hand and walked away. My husbands family is very old tradition, republican, except my husband who is very much a democrat. I am seeing posts from our nephew that are leading me to believe that he is a wiccan (sp?), Also, his mother and bio father divorced many years ago (which has not bearing on this topic), it only relates to the fact the his father had a hard time holding down a job while married to my sil due to anger issues. Our nephew also has had this problem. I only bring this up because some time back I posted a pic on F/B of a kitten with big sad eyes, it said, "Will just like me or just continuing scrolling?" My nephew took issue with it saying he hates these types of post and does not want to see them on "HIS" page again and to unfriend him. I responded saying, "block me". then I went back later saying, "I don't like some of your posts either but I don't dictate what you can or cannot post." He did apologize and I accepted it. I am wondering if he is possibly bi-polar and that his dad is also. Similar situations between son and dad...I know his sexual orientation or religious beliefs have nothing to do with being bi-polar...I just wanted to give an overall picture of what I am see with him.
(1)
Report
Sharyn -sorry about the chicken business - seems very unfair that they would write you up. Try to relax. Sounds like your nephew has emotional problems. I like your response.
(2)
Report
Thank you Joan~I worry about him sometimes because I know how my husbands family can be..."Don't ask, don't tell". I see this young man with no one to communicate to and no family support. I can't get involved of course because I am an outsider to my husbands family. It is really a sad situation for him.

As far as me being written up, I will just have to wait and see. I was already told that disciplinary action would be taken with any further losses because one co-worker left bread dough in the proofer and did not tell me..so it sat there all night and rose to large to bake as a loaf of bread the next day.
(3)
Report
Sharyn, how frustrating - you must feel like the coach of a football team that's not talking to each other on the pitch. Ow. All you can do is grit your teeth and note exactly what went on, I suppose.

I'm interested in what you say about your nephew. Just let him know by the bye that he's got someone who'll listen if he wants to talk, do you think? How old is he? If he's still a youngster, they're so touchy sometimes I don't know how one can tell if they're bp or not! - my littlest, now goodness me 26, goes from sunshine to thunderclouds and back again in one conversation. She's not bp, just emotionally labile and very open about it! - whereas her sister's very easy and even in her mood. Isn't it funny, what contrasts you get in one family?

My sister has been dropping cautious hints about her son's orientation for a couple of years now - I think she might have been apprehensive about how we'd react, but for heaven's sake it's 2014! I know some people do still get terribly upset and lathered about the whole issue, and they have their reasons no doubt, but I do wish people could at least mind their own business even if they can't approve. I'm not discussing the subject within the family because my nephew himself hasn't said anything to me so I don't feel it's for me to talk about; but he did come out to my daughters and another cousin recently (I don't think anyone was surprised!). On the other hand he was probably pretty drunk at the time… so, again, I'll wait 'til he wants to talk about it, if he ever does.

I suppose it doesn't really make any difference to anyone until there's an official partner on the scene - that must sort the liberal sheep from the reactionary goats! I have to admit, on balance it's a good thing that my late father isn't around to hear this piece of news when it comes - just picturing the expression on his face makes me wince… Lucky we had him cremated, too, so he can't turn in his grave (excuse gallows humour if not your cup of tea).

Hope "The Management" are in rational mood and don't give you a hard time.
(2)
Report
Camaryl, it would be best to call 911 when FIL is being violent and you all obviously feel in danger from him. Because when the cops arrive, they will question you in detail. If he has some medical problems and is Willing to go to the ER (most dementias refuse), that is also a good time to request for psyche evaluation and let it be known that he is not returning home to you. There will definitely a lot of pressures from the hospital, from social services, etc.. They will do the guilt trip. If that doesn’t work, they will then threaten you with Adult Protective Services. The thing is, what does MIL (mother-in-law) think of this? You and hubby may say no, but she may say yes. And they will listen to her – since she said yes.

Guardianship has a much more responsibility than having POA. You will be held accountable by the court if they approve this. As guardians, you cannot just abandon him. You would be obligated completely with his welfare. I think you and hubby need to do more research in exactly what you both want and are willing to do.

---
Sharyn, since this has happened twice in your watch - of something being delivered and no one gave you the heads up, I think it's best to start being a bit pro-active for your sake and your job. Effective immediately, before you head for home, do a quick scan of the rooms. Make sure that everything that should be off, is off and nothing was left inside. If something is still baking, and you can tell from some kind of gizmo on the outside, maybe do some calling to find out who left it on, etc.. I know it's extra work for You but .... in reality, no one is going to willingly take the blame. Since it was in Your watch, in Your department, then - of course - you will be blamed.

Like my older sister told me, she cannot believe how most people cannot think on their own, reason on their own, or Do Anything on their own. Even when she's no longer working in that department, when things go wrong, they blame Her because .. she did not "train" them right. She's frustrated because they are no longer in her department since she moved up and to another section. Yet, she's still getting blamed. So, she's been protecting herself from these upstarts who want to climb up the ladder but do it the lazy way.
(1)
Report
Yes, use a union rep to cover yourself... something sounds fishy and I would be wondering about the actions of the cake decorator, after all, it was her responsibility, since she was the one who left on her own accord to get the chickens, and if someone indeed did bring them there while you were on shift, does not equate, that you knew the chickens were there.

For all you know the chickens could have been brought anytime...I hope they have film in the video camera, some companies have them there as a deterrent, but do not use film, but if there is film, I hope they are able to exonerate you!
(2)
Report
Sharynmarie _ i hope that went ok. A collective lack of sense and accountability shouldn't fall on one person -you. I would not sign anything. Good luck!
(2)
Report
Can one person train in accountability? My parents made golldarn sure I had a work ethic of a Puritan, but that is from many years of doing it in front of me themselves. By the time an employer gets a person, they either have it or not. I think it is very, very difficult to train in that mature level of responsibility. If upper management isn't helping then....good luck & God speed. I don't think you can discipline in that kind of understanding, which is more than fear of punishment.
(2)
Report
CM~My husbands family has pride issues. When my bro-in-laws teenage daughter got pregnant to her boyfriend, it was a shame issue for him. While all the nieces and nephews and most of us adults too would have no issue with the nephews orientation, my father in law would be ashamed and apparently the young mans mother is too since she won't let him talk about it. He is not a youngster, he is 33 years old. He works but apparently does not make enough to afford to rent an apartment so he still lives with his mother. I had to laugh at your post....gallows humor..no problem, LOL!!
(1)
Report
This whole issue with work is a total lack of communication that I have not dealt with in any other store. I had a customer come to me at 6:30pm last night, she wanted the 1 lb of salt and vinegar chicken wings that she order via the phone???? Said she called at 5pm, talked to the manager, he said he would see that it was ready for her. Guess what...no one told me. Luckily for this customer I had enough wings to put the salt and vinegar seasoning on for her or otherwise, she would have had to wait 20 min while I reheat the fryer and cook the wings for her.

Book, I understand what you are saying, I basically am going to have to be the bakery/deli manager and supervise.

The cake decorator would not have just dropped the chickens off in the department especially not in the back. If I was not in the dept, I am sure she would have put them where I would see them. I did step away a couple times but only for very short periods...a bathroom run, a quick break out front but the deli was in my view so I could see if someone approached the deli. This is why I think she had a service specialist bring them in, the SP's are young kids, late teens early twenties..usually it is their first job out of high school.

I will just have to wait until I go in this afternoon to see what they are going to do.
(1)
Report
Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate it!
(2)
Report
Strange things happen in work places to be sure. The craziest thing that happened with me, about three years ago now. I was reviewing some engineering reports for accuracy. Came across one with a major error in it that in effect stated that water ran uphill. I was told to revise the report, and then immediately laid off. The powers that be wanted to have transparency on the very political project, but did not want to raise red flags of this proportion. HA! Hypocrits! This is when I came to care for my mom.
(4)
Report
Glad-you cant fight government ... city or otherwise. Sorry you experienced that...makes one not want to work. I am not good at office politics.
(2)
Report
I knew it. I KNEW it.

Sister sets strict budget for mother's birthday party. Best option is a whisker over, but she agrees it. Buffet lunch, set menu, hot course, cold course, dessert, coffee and mints thrown in, bring your own birthday cake. Wine not included. Mother snaps straight to it, choosing from the various options. All set. Email sister, cc hotel manager, to confirm. Right?

Snort, yeah, right. Uh uh. Sister not happy with hot options, wants whole dressed salmon as part of cold buffet instead and let's hope it's good weather and we're not all blowing on our fingers and dying for a nice hot bowl of soup. "After all," she says "some people may be coming a long way and one wants to offer something decent." Oh one does, does one? Then why is one being such a total tightwad over the budget?

And having said we don't want to provide a bar at lunchtime, suddenly she's in there asking how much for apéritifs, how much for the house white and red with the meal and by the way she thinks we need to consult brother about the menu.

At which point I blow a fuse (this is only over email, which is why I haven't sworn at anyone. Yet.). What, the same brother who has yet to acknowledge a single one of the four emails I've sent him over the last four days? That brother? Sure. He's obviously keen to be involved. I can hardly hear myself think for the deafening silence from him.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. Phew. Feel better now, thank you for listening :)
(5)
Report
Sharyn, I absolutely fail at playing office politics my supervisor told me as much.
(2)
Report
countrymouse - did you ever see "Keeping up Appearances" on PBS? The main character Hyacinth is like that. Her last name is Bucket, but she makes people say "Boo-kay" and has these painful candle light dinners people dread having to attend because of all the artificial fuss.
(4)
Report
Oh brother. Tonight I came home from work to find my FIL laying on the ground in the front yard. With a kitchen chair next to him. I ran over to see if he was dead, which was my first scared thought. He wasn't, he just couldn't get up, and my MIL is not strong enough to help him, so she brought a chair over to try to get him to get up. He had a plastic bag with his usual weird collection of things in it, he has started taking things and 'packing'. He was leaving. I got him into the house, and made him drink some water and lay down on the bed. I checked to make sure he hadn't broken anything, and thought about taking him to the ER, but I didn't know if I could manage him, the way he is acting he might have tried to get out of the car when we were driving there or something. Yikes. When I was helping him into his bed he said, "That didn't turn out how it was supposed to..." And I told him he was scaring me to death and to not do that again. I am sure he won't remember it. I called Charles and told him, but since there was no damage except for some burrs in his flannel pajama pants (yes, he was leaving in his pj's) he probably needed to sleep more than anything. I made my first ever gumbo, since he had said yesterday that he liked it. He can have it for breakfast, I guess.

I know that this is not going to get any better and that we are going to have to make other arrangements sooner than I thought. Like maybe tomorrow. I imagine he will rest up before trying this again. Charles and I are going to have to figure out how to close the gap so one of us is here all the time.

I tried to call the VA today but they were no help. Also made a dr. appointment for FIL, because I think they need to look at his meds and make sure he is okay. I don't think there is anything available that helps with dementia. I also called a nursing home for that portion of this process, they have available rooms and take medicare and medicaid so I am hopeful that this will work out okay, somehow.

Thanks for listening...
Christine
(6)
Report
Christine, my heart goes out to you and your husband. You are right that it will only get harder as your fil progresses. I hope you are able to get in home help or place your fil in a nice facility. Hugs to you.
(4)
Report
I have come to the conclusion that the problem is me. Nothing was said to me today about the chickens, however, the decorator called in sick again. Another girl I work with, came in tonight asking if anything came of it. I told her noting was said to me and "Y" called in sick again. She thinks they will wait until "Y" comes back to talk with her about it. The reason I think I am the problem, is because again tonight, I printed out labels for french bread, labeled the bags and put the bread out on the floor. As I was leaving to go home, I was stopped by a night manager and a checker. The bread label says the customer gets the loaf for $1.00 instead of $1.99. When the bread is scanned at the register, the $.99 off is not reflected, they are charged full price. I didn't catch this error because the bread is not on sale. Again there was no communication to me about it. I left a note for the bakery/deli manager about the labels for the bread. I am sure she already knows, but I did my part in communicating it to her. Maybe I should put in for a transfer to anywhere else, I don't seem to be a good match at this store.
(2)
Report
Sharyn, you need to really concentrate on your job. You're being distracted and forgetting. If you must, buy one of those stick it notes that you can hide somewhere. If you need chicken, you write it down briefly: "chickn- baker lady in?" I have notes all over my desk (in files on my desktop computer, in my email to myself, in my profile in the computer and even a notebook.) My memory is so shot, I keep forgetting things. I even once forgot to lock the office when I left for the day! Now, when I can't remember locking it, I turn around and drive back to make sure it's lock. I once left the lights on. So, now, before I leave the office, I stop at the door, look around to make sure everything is off before I leave.

If you're stressing on something else that is totally not from work, you need to pro-actively deal with it. Whether by therapy or AAA. Now that you're making mistakes, everyone is now going to notice every single mistake you do. You really need to stop and think before doing anything. No more working with an automation mindset. I go through this in cycles - usually when I'm going thru a bad depression.

Sharyn, I'm not putting blame you. I'm just saying that you need to be pro-active in protecting yourself/job. I Know what it's like to be blamed. Boss' wife always gets me in trouble. Boss getting mad at me, and she just sits there doing her work. I look at her waiting for her to say, "I told K to do that." But nooooo, she ignores us. And I get blamed a lot because of her. One time, I couldn't take it anymore, and I defended myself. I told the boss that it was his wife who told me to do it. She denied it, and we started arguing back and forth. He told us to be Quiet! I've learned not to trust her. Backstabber. (I was once warned by a coworker to be careful around wife. That she was backstabbing me.)

The wife is handling china visas for 21 people. I was logging each applicant online, passport info, name, etc... As i was logging it in, I was also reviewing the application. She caught me doing it on #4. She got angry and told used that tone of voice 'What are you doing?'... I replied, "Reviewing it." .... She said angrily, "I already reviewed it. You're just doing double work!" Soooooo. I stopped reviewing the forms. We courier it out to LAX. The company received it. Now, your not suppose to turn in a photocopy form. It must be originals. The company emailed us and said that there were a lot of signatures that was photocopied and not originals..... Boss then said, "K, you know all those forms you and W did? A lot of it were photocopies,not originals. Did you notice it?" I replied honestly, "I was reviewing it but W told me that she already reviewed it and I was doing double work. No, I didn't notice it." Wife spoke up saying that she didn't notice it. Ha! I do more China visa applications than them. Of course, she knows better than me. Whatever! I'm not taking blame for this one!
(2)
Report

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter