The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I don't know, I think Emjo has won the prize for her mom's freezer that is also a portal to infinite holy knowledge. I just have a regular freezer full of fish sticks, corn, and broccoli.

I need some infinite knowledge in my freezer too....

Forgot holy.....

I just found this group on line and was immediately interested by this topic," The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?" I have been caregiving since 2008. For my Father and Mother. My Father died in 2011 at he age of 96. 1 year later my Mother moved in with me. She is 94. I had always hoped that I would get some years alone with my Dad. The reason I am even voicing this is because my Mother is bi-polar (diagnosed too late to help her family) and was abusive to me verbally and physically. She abused my Father verbally as long as I can remember. She also is narcissitic and clinically depressed. Her bipolar behavior is mainly depressed/angry. I now live alone with my Mother and need to care for her 24 hours a day. We do have about 10 hours a week of housekeeping/caregiver help that she pays for so the burden is not too great on me. Like all of you I have many problems but the one that keeps cropping up for me is how to not be so angry. My Mother's behavior is fairly well controlled with meds but sometimes I get enraged when she keeps "nagging" me about something I've already explained or can't help her with or is just something that exists in her own mind. Since I grew up subjected to a lot of screaming , as an adult, I have an almost PTSD reaction to loud angry voices. So, when I yell at her it makes me feel ill. This is not something that occurs daily or even weekly, maybe once a month. I say to myself afterwards, "why can't you just ignore her? Let it roll off your back. She can't change now!" I have taken to apologizing to her afterwards, which is certainly something she never did for me.
It feel good to actually write these things down. I am so resentful at having to spend so much time with her that for a long time I resisted doing so because it seemed like it would be that much more time I had to devote to her instead of my own life and interests.
Thanks for being here!

We need to have some fun to try to keep as sane as possible. Maybe this thread will help, though it was started with a concern.https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/abbreviations-168663.htm?cpage=0&cm=351320&utm_source=Notification&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Discussion#351320

scarlett - probably you do have PTSD. I know I do from mother's rages in my childhood and young adulthood, and I think also from my PD sisters nasty tricks which are ongoing. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. The only thing is to detach. Easier said than done but you can work on it. Realise her nagging etc. is her problem and has nothing to do with you and how well you are looking after her, but is a product of her unhealthy mind. You might want to check out daughtersofnarcissisticmothers web site. Google it and also detaching from a narcissistic mother or parent. There are some websites with good tips First of all you have to accept that she is not able to love or approve of you, and that us her problem and does not reflect on you. You have to let go of and grieve the hope for the mother you needed and never had. As much as possible accept her as the sick person that she is and protect yourself by drawing boundaries/limits. It is a process many of us are working on.

Re the freezer: later mother accused me of filling it with chicken. I had a vision of hiring someone to creep into her apartment in the dead of night with a sack of frozen chicken and stuffing it in her freezer. Another time she called me and cursed me and told me I was not her daughter any more. (Does that mean I can give up POA?) A little later she called and said she shouldn't have cursed me, but she meant the rest. My eye muscles are getting lots of exercise from them being rolled.

glad - the link you posted it is a fun thread.

saw the doc -went for more thyroid tests, my BP was normal -a nice little nurse took it - I seem to do better with nurses.

got mothers change of address done and her newspaper cancelled. Left to do is the cable company, who I can call and the phone,which I think is done through the ALF.

Now to figure out how to get all that chicken back home before it thaws lol.

Oh, the good news is that Gary found my good camera in his truck. The bad news is that he put it in a safe place in the back seat and he can't find it. The rings are still gone :(.

before I forget, ABB - since the basement was cleaned and bleached my cough is almost gone. I will get the ducts cleaned too. Do look after you!!!

Same to everyone and do something good for you today.

Emjo, you are getting married? How cool is that?

Emjo,
Sharyn could have used those chickens! LOL!

Yes Glad~they had run out before I clocked in at 4pm. That is why I told them they should have called me because I could have got some from 3 local stores. The deli opener has my numbers now, for what that is worth. I will possibly know more tomorrow when I go back to work. If nothing is said to me by the store manager or the bakery/deli manager, then I will forget about this incident. However, I will be more alert to what is left out in the back of the bakery. This dept. is about huge...about 3 times the size of the store I came from. Because customer service is very light, they have cut hours so really, there is not enough staff to handle the needs of production..that includes the dept making all the food items that are ready to go. Hot foods, fried foods, sandwiches, packaged rolls, breads, . So basically everyone is doing 2 positions or more at one time. I honestly don't know why this store is still open as customer service is not covering our hours in the bakery/deli. Because the dept is so large, corporate uses it as a testing grounds for new things like us producing our own ice cream cakes..etc. I am doing the fryers job...prepping chickens for the next day, I am doing the bakers job...packaging bread and cookies,,,and I am doing the closer duties of the deli which includes deep cleaning of the fried food case, the rotissarie oven, organizing the supplies for packaging everything and customer service comes first at all times. Thank you for asking...probably more info than what you wanted to know but Thank you!!!

Sharyn - that is a lot of work!!! Yes, next time you need chickens just message me lol

judda - Gary and I are marrying. I have been doing a little wedding shopping between the other stuff- it gives me a lift. We don't have a date yet. Gary will prob freak out if I try to set one as he likes to be spontaneous. He can get ready in a day or two. I can't. So far I have been able to get what I want for me here. We need to discuss where this will happen - if it needs to be near his parents who are around 90 and prob not up to travelling too much. My granddaughter has been wanting to be my flower girl since before Gary lol. Lots of fun!

Yes Joan...there is a clique going on and as a new comer...they are not comunicating to me like they should be.

bad atmosphere and attitude. Someone at work told me that they remembered me helping them out when they first came - with the small things that no one ever tells you how to do, but you eventually find out for yourself. I used to do that and didn't even remember that person, but remembered how I felt when I first started and the confusion till I got the hang of things. I used to share the materials I developed for my course with new people teaching another section too. Not everyone did than -some hung onto their stuff and wouldn't share. I don't understand that attitude - how does it hurt you to share and help? Hope it works out or you get to move. Read that your mum is declining - hard to see that.
Christine - sounds like your fil needs a facility and the sooner the better
sandwich - your mum is loony tunes. I had to stop taking calls as they triggered the PTSD
cm - these special occasions are very stressful. Breathe deep - frequently. Keep us updated, vent often. The day(s) will go off well so try to enjoy some of it.
Austin -how are you doing? I know your house is empty with your your beloved kitty.

Hi to everyone else - look after you

Austin (((((hugs))))) correction without your beloved kitty.

Sharynmarie,

That's an awful lot of work you do at this store. Interesting how these jobs double up on employees, you end up going out of your way for their a***s, and then the employee has to be thinking "they're not being alert enough." Duuuhhhhhh!
They have a lot of responsibility here too. Don't you think it's kind of strange, that even in the circumstance of running out of supplies.....they don't have a back up system of sorts, to assist the entire operation. O.K., but I do understand about employees doing everything in their power to keep their jobs too.
This is exactly what my brother has been experiencing at his job. I heard just the other day, from my sister, that the day after he'd been written up once more, he was now worried again. He received a broken box on a pallet he had to dispatch to NY. Well, when he received it....the contents (papers) had come completely out of the box, and papers flew everywhere. He did a patch job and sent it on it's way. Well now he was stressing, that if they complain for the way the package arrived, they will track it back to him. Oh!! Paaaleeeez!

O.K., I hope things are mellow there tomorrow.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

OK, tonight's fun. I was talking to FIL after dinner, he was telling me the same stories over and over again and I was listening politely, and making comments that he seemed to understand, he was kind of laughing at parts of what I said. So then suddenly he said, this doesn't look like my home. And I said that is because it isn't, it is your son's home, and you are staying with us for a while. He said he was tired but didn't know where he was. This time he wasn't angry, just like a little kid who is sleepy and only half present. I got him into the bathroom to brush his teeth, and then got him to the bed. He asked me a couple more times where he was, and I explained again. He asked if his family knew where he was, and I told him they did, and that his wife was here, and taking a nap. He looked at our dog like he had never seen her before. This is so surreal. I got him into bed, and told him the same joke I tell him every night, about not letting the bedbugs bite, and if they do bite them back. That got a laugh. He then said that he needed to go home, but didn't get ugly about it like he usually does. He also said something nice about Charles (his son, who he has been thinking is his wife's boyfriend...the craziness goes on and on) So, this is kind of weird, this docile and confused person. Hmmm. He still doesn't know who I am. But I guess I am the nice lady who makes him food and makes sure he takes his meds, and bakes him brownies, which he loves. Last night I made my first ever gumbo, because he said he liked it. So I am feeling like the vague answers and kindness and redirection are working for the moment. He really needs to go to a facility, but the red tape for this between Medicare and Medicaid and the VA are too confusing for me right now. I am trying to deal with this in between working during the day. I am fairly sure this docile period is not going to last. In fact, I can hear him stirring around in there, so it might not even last the night. Sigh. So sad.

Thanks for listening,
Christine

Christine, for the last few days my mom has no idea where she is, even the city we are in. She has lived in this house for 51 years now and within a two mile radius of here for another 10 years. Terrible what this disease does to a person. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be for her if she were some place else.

Text. me anytime SM-CHICKENS

Mom called last night and my hero husband took the call for me. I'm battling strep & an ear infection and just didn't have a call with her in me.

They had a lucid and sane (for her) conversation. She insisted on talking to me anyway with "really big news" that I got the blow by blow detail on.

Now I know two things:

1. Really big news in the NH = "I pooped"
2. Her recent bowel disimpaction = higher level of sanity today. I knew this, but I forgot I knew this.

Sandwich, I get blow by blow descriptions of my MIL's bowel movements too. Amazing how big a thing this can be to a person. And i have noticed a higher sanity level in her too after this event and the telling of it. She is so much more sane than my FIL it is great, but there are downsides there too.
Remember when your kids were little and they wanted to proudly show you their potty? Well, I am grateful that we are not there now. Sigh.
Have a peaceful day
Christine

Glad, I am sorry about your mom. I know, I can't imagine how it must feel to be so confused. I am really glad my FIL didn't get combative with me, I don't think I could have handled it last night. I am so tired. And I feel so sad for them both. Charles has better boundaries than I have. I let things affect me. And I know it is not good for me to do that.
Hugs
Christine

Emjo,

So glad to see you back here. You certainly have a lot going on right now.
I'm so glad for you that it sounds as if you will be able to get your mother moved in before your wedding date.

So she turned 102? Whoah! That's amazing! Sure, minus the chicken stories and phone calls.

This is wonderful to hear about your wedding plans, the dress, the undies, everything. How sweet that your grand daughter wants to be a flower girl.
Well, I hope that G finds that camera again, sure he will.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Camaryllis,

Your FIL has been making some adjustments, no matter the Dementia, too.
Possibly, he's getting used to the idea of being in another environment?

Poor things, yes I'm sure talking and describing their bowel movements especially in great detail doesn't serve for the best of conversations for a caregiver.

Hug,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sad,

Welcome back. We missed you too.

So you aren't getting you phone calls returned by the attorney?
That doesn't sound good at all. Remind me, are you the POA?
In any case do try to get some legal advice about this "loan," your brother is asking about. You are right! I'm sure your mother's care is quite costly, and one never knows what other expenses may be incurred. What about how long the care may be, etc. $15,000 is no chump change, no matter for what your brother thinks he may use it for.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux,
Yes, apparently this morning he kind of knew where he was again. Still doesn't like it. And he keeps hiding his wallet and checkbook. When he has them he fondles them, kind of a 'my preciousss' thing going on there. Weird. Luckily I know the usual places for him to hide them. So he thinks I have super powers for finding things, haha, which of course I do!
Have a peaceful day
Christine

Margeaux - thank you...So - just called both of them again - and left messages. Yes - I am the POA and always the one that was practical and together. Think I need a new attorney - but really want advise on how to do this. My husband is freaking out - as he feels (and I do too) that this is just opening the door to a new ATM machine for them. I guess they wouldn't need the money if she didn't buy new red convertible corvettes, or get new living room furniture every few years (mine is 16 years old!). They have never lived within their means and have just been waiting for my parents to die...such bad Karma. Anyway - if anyone had a similar situation - would love to hear your experience - and advise....

Sad1- my sister is DPOA for mom. She wanted to use moms money for a new ac/heating. She said she would deduct the cost from her inheritance when mom passes. She talked to moms elder law attorney and he said absolute NO! the money is for your mothers care only.

thanks margeaux - the shopping has been fun. A nice diversion. I am thankful I got what I did here, as it is not always easy to find the right size etc. I found some ballet shoes which fit too and were on sale, so I bought a couple of pairs as my last pair is about 20 yrs old and wearing out. I don't have an easy time with shoes, so grab a pair or two when I find a style that fits. I finally threw away a pair of Nikes that must have been 25 yrs old and I bought them for $25 on sale.

Having an aggravating day. I extended my hotel bookings for this and next weekend an extra day through website: booking.--- and got email notice to call a number to confirm it. Then the fun started and no one knows how to confirm my request, not even the hotel. I had slept poorly last night, so had taken something to help me have a nap this afternoon, which I normally never do, but G comes home tonight and we have to look at the basement etc, and do lots of things and I need my wits about me. Then the hotel fiasco. They said they would get back to me by phone, so I thought I had better not try to sleep, but I fell asleep sitting up for a bit anyway. Now, as well as no hotel confirmation, and no decent nap, I have a headache, so I will take some caffeine and an aleve, hope for the best and start doing what I have to that does not require me leaving the house so I miss the call. You would not think it was that complicated.

I think we will set a wedding date once we are further along in these other events like basement renovations, major dental work and moving mother. Not that mother may not cause a ruckus any time, but, at least, we will not be moving furniture. I now have several outfits I bought online to take down to her and hope she will wear some of them - her belated Mother's day and birthday gifts. If she gets wind of any "special events" she will create an emergency for sure. I may not inform family, except my kids, about G and I, (strange I know, but all part of the dysfunction) until after the event. I don't want my sister there, there are no cousins close enough to come and I want it small anyway.

I asked my daughter if she would like to be matron of honour if we go that way and she said yes. Oldest son will give me away. I think I would like other son up there in some capacity too - man of honour or something. Apparently that is not unusual these days. I need time to discuss these things with G, as he does not realise how much time it takes to plan stuff like this and seems to manage to get things done at the last minute. I can't operate that way. Other people need some advance notice too. He hasn't even started moving on the rings which he wants someone he knows to make.

sad - a sib with $ signs in their eyes is not unusual. I would not open the door to that one. You are responsible for keeping your mother's money for her.

Christine - glad your fil is settling down for now. Hope you can get the process of moving him into a facility going. I know it is complicated, but many here have done it, and I believe you may be able to get some help - agency for aging perhaps. The application takes some time to process, and who knows how he will be by then? Don't want to be a wet blanket, but they can decline quickly.

marg - hope your bro survives the write ups

happy day everyone - off to start being productive, headache and all. :)

Emjo - so excited to hear about your upcoming wedding! Too bad you are so far away - our yard still looks nice from our sons reception! Still have all the solar lights up!

Ok - so - have to say - there is PLENTY of money in the trust - plus 3 properties all paid for and worth quite a bit. There is no way we could use it all on her care. Plus there is a separate checking account that I am on jointly with her - that has enough in there - and unfortunately he knows enough to be dangerous. ugh.

thx sad - your yard sounds lovely. Solar lights!!!

regardless of the amount of money, the principle is the same. This is your mother's money and to be used for her. Once she passes and he, presumably, inherits some of it, he can do what he wants with it. Look up the conditions of your POA financial. I think it will be clear.

Here are some "Do Not's" from a website. You should consult with the lawyer who drew up the document.

DO NOT

1. DO NOT give gifts from the Donor’s property or finances unless the power of attorney specifically permits you to do so.
2. DO NOT place the Donor’s assets into joint ownership with yourself. If you already have a joint account with the Donor, you should review the purpose of the joint account and consider closing the account to keep the Donor’s share separate.
3. DO NOT manage the Donor’s affairs for the benefit of anyone other than the Donor. The Donor’s best interests are your sole concern. You cannot profit from your appointment as an attorney under any circumstances. Even where the Donor’s property is being sold for a legitimate purpose at fair market value, an attorney’s purchase of such property may still constitute a breach of the attorney’s duty to put the Donor’s best interests first.
4. DO NOT sub-delegate your responsibility as attorney unless the power of attorney specifically permits you to do so.
5. DO NOT borrow money from the Donor under any circumstances. -

I think it is pretty clear that the money is to be used only for your mother - unless she is competent and she OK's giving a gift to some one. I am in Canada and have had ample warning from mother's lawyer regarding the use of her money - for her only!!!

Got some packing done, headache gone - wonderful!!! but - still no phone call re the extra night aaaargh!

Hope this helps. Being firm with a greedy sib is not easy I know ((((((hugs))))))

sad - you might send some of this kind of info to your bro - even a note from the lawyer to back you up. Sounds like mum can afford to pay for a lawyers note!!!