notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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ahhh - well - my CPA - who is very good - and has read the trust said it was perfectly fine for us to have the trust be a business and pay for some of the services that I am doing above and beyond my mothers needs - property management etc - and we have been doing that - not excessively - but I put in at least 40-50 hours a month that has to do with other items.. Fortunately - I was jointly on my mom's account for years before she got sick. She is with it enough to tell me what she wants to do for gifts - she wanted to gift money to everyone - except my brother and his wife - attorney told me I couldn't do that - so I send everyone the same amount. So - here is a question - if it is just he and I - who complains about the way things are handled?? I just don't really understand how it is really enforced. I guess I could google it - just tired...Thank you for the list - I will save this and see if either of those attorneys contact me. I believe this is the 2nd time my attorney hasn't called me back. Great.
Thank for the heads up about POA. These are questions that come up every now and then, given my "golden boy," bro's tenuous circumstances when it comes to money. He recently, seems like on the verge of losing his job,
(hopefully not) since it w/put him in a hole financially. He has a mortgage. So my sister on occassion, has mentioned about possibly liquidating some of mother's assets (property). I know she thinks that then......she'd just give some of the proceeds of a sale of property to my brother as a way to help him. But when she hinted at this, I wondered whether this was legal for her to do as mom's POA. Personally, I think these kinds of arrangements just invite trouble in the beginning and the end.
But, of course I didn't say boo to my sister on that note.
A side bar to this situation w/golden boy, is the fact that our parents owned some property, they never did anything with, out in the desert. So they owned a piece of land. Well, during this brother's reign as the POA, this property was sold, and since he didn't keep any books, (accounting), it's a complete mystery as to when this happened and where that money went. My guess is it went to his pocket, given to him by mom. Into adulthood, my brother managed to play the complete victim with her, and she bought it! I have this seeping in the back of my mind, when my brother's financial dilemma's surface, I must say. I'm wondering if there's a way for me, the (unnappointed of the siblings) to find out when this property was sold. That had to have been a good chunk of money.
Anyway, thanks.
Gives me something to think about.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Yes I know it should make me be nicer to my sister. Tchah.
Thanks for the comforting words about the forthcoming party, too - we'll get there. And wonder of wonders I had an email from my brother about it, as well, saying there wasn't anything he didn't like on the menu, so that was okay (oh good?!), and no we wouldn't provide a bar - he admitted he was biased about that, because he'll be driving. I don't think he expects us to take him too seriously. I emailed back and said if he'd do an iPod compilation of mother's favourite music I'd let him off writing a speech and corral either my other brother or my son, as senior grandson, into doing it instead. No reply to that one so far.
Internally debating the cake now. Mother wants sponge, not fruit, tricky for large numbers of people but I reckon I'll bake squares and then cover them with rolled out fondant icing? I used to be a decent-ish baker, made my own wedding cake, I guess it'll all come back to me. I have in mind a carnival of the animals theme, reflecting mother's love of wildlife - she travelled the world to photograph them. Last major trip was to a tiger reserve in India. Went horribly wrong when she slipped in the shower at the safari lodge and broke her collar bone, hours being bumped over rough terrain to the nearest (excellent) hospital, then she rang me high as a kite on Tramadol and started telling me what time she'd be landing at Heathrow like I already knew all about it. Three years ago, that was. It seems time immemorial. Anyway: anyone ever heard of commercial confectioners making snow leopards, tigers, lions, cheetahs, elephants, polar bears, koalas, orang utans and penguins for cake decoration purposes? Not to scale, naturally. I have in mind that each animal would hold a candle, one per decade. Or maybe get photos on rice paper in edible inks? Someone on the internet must do it, surely?
And another intimation of mortality, second one today, from my other loving daughter. She sent me her training rotation schedule, which will take her up to September 2017. Imagine confidently planning out your life to September 2017. Three Christmases running she'll be on a neonates ward. And where will I be? And how many of them will her granny be around for?
Oo dear feel very peculiar about it.
Marg - I don't know if you could look into it. I think it would have to be your sister who is POA, though you might be able to challenge his performance as POA. I think you would need legal help for that. If your mother is competent, she can give what she wants to whoever. Otherwise her assets have to be used for her care only, in any POA document I have seen. I think you could challenge your sis on that, but again may need legal advice.
cm - I think the principles are the same here and overseas though there may be variations from place to place. I saw one document for Alberta that says you (the attorney) do not have to disclose any financial information to family members, as that would infringe on the individual's privacy. Considering how mother has cut herself off, it speaks loudly to keeping everything private. My sis got her daughter to ask me about mother, as sis has not had any contact with mother for a while. My answer was that my information was that mother wants no contact. I agree about the exam. Your mother was quite the traveller - and only a few years ago. Nice idea about the animals. I would think that edible inks would be easier. 2017 is not that far off, but lots can happen in that time. (((((hugs))))
This morning, I had a good chat with the Health and Wellness Coordinator at mother's place. We like on another so we will stay in touch and do lunch or whatever sometimes when I am in town.
I am wrestling with being a bit hyperthyroid. Hope it drops down to normal levels. It takes up to 6 weeks for the synthroid to get out of your system. I am hoping my thyroid will kick in and keep the levels normal. If not it is back to a lower doses. Autoimmune conditions can recover. The synthetic hormone is a life saver if you need it, but I do not feel "normal" most of the time I am on it I have "brain fog", fatigue and so on much of the time. This past week the brain fog has lifted and it makes a huge difference to my quality of life. :-D
Have a good evening everyone
FIL was quiet last night at dinner. He did eat, though he had refused lunch. Good news, MIL weighs 89 lbs. From 80 when she got here two weeks ago. That is such a relief. FIL, however, has lost 3 lbs. He eats nearly as much as she does, so don't know why he is losing weight. He is much more disturbed than she is. Yesterday was up and down. He was yelling at and threatening Charles again during the day, but he was quiet at dinner. Charles told him to quit talking like that, and went to work. FIL went to bed and I heard him in there talking to himself and fussing at the top of his lungs. I decided to ignore him, I was trying to take a nap, I am so tired! I tried to put a chair outside so FIL can go sit there. He wants to be outside. Probably planning his next escape but he cant't get far so I am not too worried. He is mad at MIL and not speaking to her, except when he says ugly things. Didn't want me to put the chair near her outside. He has been sitting on the side deck. It gets hot there, so MIL was fussing at him that he would get sunstroke. Sigh.
I am very hopeful that the new doctor he will be seeing in June will help us get him into the hospital so we can start the process for the nursing home. I am so hating this. I wish there were some magic way that he could settle down and just relax and let me take care of him. But no flipping way, apparently. I feel guilty about wanting him gone. MIL is enough by herself, she is needy. But I think she will be happier if he is gone. I can just imagine what visits to the NH will be like. :-} And I love the thread about abbreviations. When I first read someone's post about her mother in NH I thought it was New Hampshire, and wondered why that kept coming up in other posts. Hahah.
Have a peaceful day,
Christine
Christine
:-}
Christine
Management said nothing to me yesterday. I did hear though that the chicken situation has been resolved. I am being very vigilant in checking the department for anything that has been left out by other co-workers worked earlier in the day. However, I am finding it difficult to deal with the co-worker I posted about who constantly says I am doing 10 things at once and no one will help me. She gets rattled easily, is only 30 yrs. old but has 10 years with the co. Some days she is laughing all day and talking, talking, talking...then other days she is raging, complaining. So I just listen, take what she says that I can improve on and let the rest go. I wish I could transfer but have been told the district supervisor says she will not transfer anyone right now as all stores are full. She told me this before so I am going to fill out a transfer anyway and see what happens.
I am off next Wednesday and Thursday. Hubby is going to see if he can get Wednesday off...I really need a day in the mountains...get away from all this drama!
bunnyrabbit - I have taken a well deserved and needed break from my mother - going next week - AFTER my brother finally going after over 2 years and asking her for lots of $$$ - should be interesting! Enjoy your break - if you are on this post - you need it!!
rive away. Daycare centers are open late but she would have to pay $600 a month per child.they are tho king of her hubby going part time sin e my daughter makes more. Idk (I don't know) what they decide. I suggested she look on care.com.
Looking back I realise (too late, of course) that you can "have it all" - just not all at the same time!
Bit of a vent here. Good bus trip down, the hotel brought up 3 boxes for me last night, which I need to take over to mother's apt. Got up bright and breezy, had breakfast, came back to my room and the fibromyalgia set it, stress went up, I had some tears over the idea of packing up mother's apartment -the end of an era as where she goes will be different. I took a pain pill and waited for it to kick in, fell asleep and still haven't gone out. I am picking up now. When I tell the people looking after mother that moving her is hard on me I should document this for them. It is not just the work of moving, but the fibro flare up and possibly more with my shoulder. My thyroid is still out of whack and stress affects that negatively. Wish I could just come down do what has to be done and go home, but, unfortunately, it isn't that simple. Better get cracking, so I am not wandering around down town too late on a Saturday evening. I have to walk through an area which isn't the best. Wish me luck!!! I will stay on the main streets this time.
It'll put smiles on you face for 2 hours. The mother-son call is filled with all the junk we go through: guilt, psycho-babble drama, hard of hearing misunderstandings, forgotten gifts and more guilt trips. I usually laugh til my sides ache. NPR
Not sure if he's trying to rub it in, but he says if it's any help in explaining what a goof he is at arrangements, he's done the same thing for Lovely Nephew 2's wedding in August, which he will therefore also be missing.
Well. a) Not really. Lovely Nephew 2 (LN2, hereafter) is indeed lovely but is also a bit of a wombat when it comes to planning and moved his wedding date, which has tripped up quite a lot of would-be guests. b) We didn't know until April this year when LN2 was getting married. But I'm pretty sure mother arranged her 90th birthday, oo, about 90 years ago.
Do you know I wouldn't mind so much if other persons (dear sister) didn't persist with the pretence that my brothers wish to be involved in their mother's life in any way. Steering clear I can understand, and cope with. Increasingly feeble, not to say nonsensical, excuses that result in my mother thinking that they would come to see her if only such-and-such reason didn't apply (usually something she can blame herself for, like being too far away, or being too unimportant in their busy lives) - well, that doesn't do my blood pressure so much good.
Then daughter counsels that I must try to be more approachable, so that they will feel freer to enquire and more comfortable coming to visit. Eh? I am INCREDIBLY nice to my brothers when I speak to them (easier to keep it up when it's only two or three times a year). Daughter's view is that they fear my criticism. Methinks she doth project too much.
Sigh. Why do you think you know everything when you're in your twenties? And do you necessarily lose those happy certainties along with your embonpoint?
I thought about getting professionals to pack, but then I wouldn't know what was where, and as mother will not be able to use all of it, when the time comes for her to move to her new place, I need to know where stuff is. So no strain on the shoulder, really, The clothing will not be hard to pack, nor will the knick knacks. She has less than she used to. Gary can pack up the kitchen stuff, the paintings, and deal with the furniture, the air conditioner etc. - in short everything else. I suspect it will take longer than he has planned. He is an optimist and always plans that things will go perfectly, so I want us to start early in the day next weekend.
Veronica, I get the fibro from stress and who knows what - ongoing. Sometimes it is better once I start moving around. I actually feel better now. The walk back and forth did me good.
Off to the dining room for a well deserved salad and maybe a 1/2 glass of wine! I picked up a pair of gold glitter ballet flats on my way back and forth - so did something good for me. :-D