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Well it sounds as if everyone is going through a purging of sorts!
I had one stressful week. My husband has been hanging onto so much paper stuff, old tax info., we're required to hang on to for so many years in case of an audit.
So over a week ago.....he'd started to see if our neighbor had one of these shredder's to do the job. Her's apparently was on the blink. Then, he decided he'd bbq all these papers. I thought it was only going to be a few bags of paper.
WOW! The day he had the bbq ready in our small patio, he kept pulling bags out, that I never knew he had. It was old phone bills, bank statements, and other such stuff. Yes, the personal things you just can't throw in the trash, for fear of identity theft. Anyway, he also still had the added adds, companies send along w/bills.
Instead of first sorting through this, and pulling what didn't have any identifiable info, on it and just put that in re-cycle, the crazy man just started to burn all of this paper. I could not believe the amount. That was day one. Next day, he still had many more bags to do. I suggested that he sort out what really needed to go into that bbq. Now, of course I got involved in helping him sort out the mess.
Oh!!!! The smoke from this bbq, was absolutely horrendous! Now, had I known the amount that was to be disposed of.......I would have insisted that he find a company that does the shredding for people. It was unbelievable, and it just totally drained me. Day three.....finally were were done w/that.

Now, he's been wanting to dispose of a very old, old sofa bed he's had for over 15 yrs. The side he always lays upon and does couch potato watching TV, was completely worn out. If you would fall asleep on it, oh boy......your back was no good for a day or two after. So now he was calling Salvation Army, for a pick up of the couch. He became in complete look for a new couch mode last few days.
We found some, and he wants another sofa bed. I had no idea it took so much time and effort to buy a new piece of furniture. Yesterday Salvation Army took the old one away.

This a.m., since we now had no couch in the living room, he gets this bright idea to move our Futon, we've been sleeping on for some time now. We moved that into the living room, and set it up couch style. But what on earth! This Futon is very old, and the frame has become shaky. There are some screws that hold some of the fold pieces of it together, are worn. I was sustaining the parts of it, while the husband re-positioned the screws. Well, my back is completely feeling it this evening. I've been on the verge of biting his head off all week.
Today I felt like I wanted to kill him, too. HAAH! Now you know I wouldn't really do that, but that's why I come here and write about it. Hee, hee, hee! I'm sure some of you know what I mean.

I may have to resort to an analgesic this evening.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Mom hates it when I say "Files not Piles!" She kept every paper ever mailed to her home and every prescription bag and the piece of medication advice they staple on since she moved in 1998 until October 2013 when I moved her out. I had tons of it to dispose of when we moved her. Acres of dead trees there! All folded and put right back into the envelope they came in.

So mom is not really getting out of rehab. It's more of a classification change than a physical move for her. She is combative and argumentative with PT & OT, so that ends next Tuesday for her. No therapy, no rehabilitation. She was already on a longterm care floor for rehab overflow, so they will put her in a different room down the hall on the same unit. The social worker there wants to keep mom in her unit since she is already familiar with the case. This social worker is a real sweetheart, and I am so grateful.

Mom's cognitive performance test scores have declined to a moderately severe impairment level just in a month, since the diabetic black out, suicide threat, and the ensuing hospitalization, etc. From a 17 to 13, when normal is 19 I guess, on this particular test. She's basically going to stay in the "secured nursing home wing" in old-fashioned parlance.

During the family meeting on Friday to explain all this to me, we had decided it would NOT be a good idea to have her there, as it would be so upsetting. But the PT lady got mixed up and brought mom into the meeting half-way through. Oh my Lord! Mom was doing her whimper-cry thing and apologizing (for what I do not know.) Maybe she thought she was in trouble for her behaviors toward staff...? We redirected her and had her taken back to her room to lie down.

So Tuesday, when she is at her last PT session, they will move her things to her new room, and take her back there. I now need to schedule movers to empty out the independent apartment and bring all that to my garage. Thank goodness the snow is done and I can park my car in the driveway!

After it was over and the paperwork done, I went down to visit her. I hadn't planned on doing that originally, as I hadn't planned on being seen! She had gotten into her head that she was leaving the building completely and needed to pack her bag. No..... She had a hard time processing that she still needed to stay put, that Friday was not a moving day for her. I was just there to have a meeting. No changes.

She is so anxious to get off this unit, and it's not going to happen, ever. She is mortally terrified of nursing homes because she is convinced they are out to kill you as fast as possible. She has been confabulating a TON lately about that very thing.
The social worker & I talked about expecting a lot of new negative behaviors because of this.

So many feelings. Relief. Concern. Fear. Numbness. Regret for her and all the wasted years. I am more comfortable seeing mom in an unholy demon-fueled rage than whimpering and afraid.

I wonder how long she will last once she finds out this is it. I expect her to just give completely up.
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Sandwich~If your mother is anything like mine, her denial of her condition will keep her strong and fighting as much as she can within the Alz disease. My mother has progressed since she has been in memory care, but she still says she should not be there. Some say it is denial, some say it is how the disease works and that the patient does not feel different or ill, so therefore, nothing is wrong with them.
Joan~ Glad you made it back safely. I understand the end of of an era with your mother. Even though she is the way she is, we want it to be different. I still have not thrown away the key to my mom's house...I just cant right now.
Margeaux~I am purging in many different ways right now. I am tackling closets, riding them of craft supplies and old decorations I will never use. Clothes that need to be purged...some can go to Goodwill, others will have to be tossed like hubby's old uniforms from work. My goal is to get all this "junk" gone before I leave for Idaho when the babies are born.
Hugs to all of you for what you are going through.
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Working with small children is difficult, as women we know that, i remember when someone babysitting was going to cost me the same as my job, I stayed home, what was the point?
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My vent is that I am being held responsible for chicken fiasco even though I have not been talked to from management. The woman I posted about that rages one day and cackles and laughs the next, is riding me very hard. If I start to talk about something regarding work, she meanly says, to do talk, work....they are watching us. Well I am fed up with the way this woman is talking to me and tomorrow I plan to go into work and when/if she starts to talk to me, I will say the same thing back to her. I wrote everything I did today on the daily activities sheet. Basically what they expect from me is that I cover their butts (ctb)...who covers mine??? They need a fall guy and I am it. I am miserable at this store and I honestly do not understand why....I have always been praised by other stores for being so responsible. It has nothing to do with me abstaining from drinking because I am following through on the same things I have done at the other stores. This store does not have the customer service to support our hours so more pressure is put on us (me as the closer) to make sure that everything is done and if co-workers who worked early shifts, did not finish their work and do not communicate it, I am expected to check every detail so their butts are covered. I guess it must be nice to pass the buck....management is good at that. I like my job, but I can't deal with this woman and how she talks to me.
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My daughter will come up with something. Since she is the main bread winner, it may mean that her hubby goes part time as his job is more flexible. His wages were frozen shortly after he got hired due to the recession. She has been able to move up the ladder. There is one home daycare in her small town that has put her first on her list when a spot becomes available. She is the only one who has not told her no because of having 2 infants.

I know I did not work for a few years when my kids were small because the cost of daycare, gas clothing expense for working in an office, did not make sense to me. Of course I got no support from hubby on my choice or his family...but yet his niece will not work for the same reasons I did not want to...the emotional toll of leaving my children was too hard, the guilt, the balancing act.

Hopefully my daughter can manage it better than I did. She managed to work part time and go to college full time and still graduate with honors. But when babies come into the picture, our priorities change and so does our emotions. I am proud of where my daughter and sil have gotten in their careers and hate to see them lose it, but sometimes compromises and sacrifices have to be made when our children enter our lives.
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Iwentanon~I was going to be a pre-school teacher..got an AA in early childhood development but ended up on working in the field because in
California, they are slowly changing the requirements for pre-school teachers, the facilities that are funded by the state now require a BA degree. Those that are privately owned do not..but they only pay minimum wage ($8.00 ph) no benefits. The facilities funded through the state/school system require a BA degree. I was pursuing this back in 2005-06 but decided at my age, getting a BA degree and having to apply for a loan to go to a State University was not worth the expense. I do love the little ones, and I relate well to them and them to me...I do not need another long term loan for 10 years of work till I retire. However, at this job site...I may not make retirement this 30 year old does not get off my back., LOL!!
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Sharyn, you don't suppose you were sent to that store BECAUSE you have such a good track record and they were already having problems with it that they thought you might improve? Do you think? Like sending in the cavalry?

It's horrible working with meanies, and very hard not to think right back at ya, missy. But remember: you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar...
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Countrymouse,

You must be more than just a good baker, if you can do a carnival theme.
I wish I was more enthusiastic about baking, but I'm always fudging on the recipes, something I know one can't do. So who has been invited to the big event?
Are your mom's friends coming? I'm sure it's going to be fine, and your cake will be great.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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I sort of lost my cool just now. Just showing that I'm angry-upset is a huge deal, it's something that I usually have completely under control. I didn't treat anyone badly, I just abruptly left the house and went for a walk. And any Sunday papers that were still in people's driveways got kicked furiously to their front door (which actually looks like a considerate gesture on my part, haha). When I got back I just told my husband that I was just "really angry right now." He was good, he let me calm down. He's a highstrung guy who's got his own stressful stuff going on, so being around him for this 3 day weekend isn't exactly relaxing for me. He left for the day, giving me some much needed solitary time (thank God) -- but them came barging in unexpededly, and bit my head off for something really trivial. It just all hit me.
I monitor my mother from a distance because she's difficult (borderline-NPD), we do NOT have more than a cordial relationship. It's easier for me emotionally to deal w/feelings of anger re-her, than to try to handle those conflicting feelings of worry and sympathy. All those feelings co-exist, and it's friggin' HARD. Anyway, her healthcare info update was emailed to me, and evidently she was prescribed an antibiotic. For an infection of some sort, I can assume. Maybe a UTI? I told myself there was nothing in could do, so forget it until Tuesday.
The thing is, I think I'm handling things fine. But if. ONE-MORE-BULLS$&T thing gets thrown at me, then whoever's in the room better friggin' apologize FAST, or duck!
Thanks so much for letting me get this out :)
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Emjo,

I do understand when you've posted about hiring movers vs. you doing packing of personal items, (especially papers), and things of that sort. Well, it sounds at least as if this is pretty much done. This is similar to what I did w/my husband this last week. I spent one entire day just sifting through his old bills and separating out adds, and these offers for credit from the different banks, etc. My arthritis flared up also, especially yesterday after we moved the Futon into the living room.
Well, do take care, too! I agree with Countrymouse about getting a cab, if you do feel too tired and stressed from the packing.

I'm sure you are feeling the emotions also, as you've said from realizing that this is an end of an era for your mom. We all have trouble at times letting go, I certainly do. But we can also look at it as a Feng Shui, cleaning out and re-directing the energies, so new ones can flow in.

You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,

I realize that you being transferred to this store has not been easy for you on many levels. But if you are saying that they haven't brought the chicken fiasco up to you....try not to invite blame, at least not in your own head. I know this isn't easy, either. I still think that there's obviously some upper management problems going on at this store if in the first place they ran out of chickens. That's THEIR responsibility!

This co-worker sounds kind of wacked out to me, or somewhat unstable with regards to her behavior. Might I suggest that you try to take a neutral attitude with her. Try your best not to discuss work matters, no less since it sounds as if she wants to use you as her sounding board for that, but when you want to do the same, she doesn't want to listen to you. I've discovered this w/my own neighbor. She likes to complain, and becomes very negative. Yet, the minute I try telling her about some woes I may be having, she gives me all the cues that she doesn't want to listen. So I now get it, that airing issues is only for her. Not anymore.......because I made a boundary about that, too. She's can get very neg too. But in an employment environment, it's even more tricky, because this could also invite the gossip, etc.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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aww, looloo, we walk pretty near to the edge, don't we? ((((((((((((hugs)))))))) I understand.

Sharyn - sounds like you are a fall guy - a nasty position to be in - document, document, document, and speak up when you have enough documented. I would give that gal back a bit of what she gives you - not too much but enough to get the message across. I understand about the key. These changes are significant milestones in our lives. Save it for your grandbabies. Mother has kept all her old passports. They may be fun for the grands.

cm - sometimes honey works and sometimes you need a fly swatter. Your bro is a piece of work isn't he? Do your part, I know you will do it well, and leave the rest where Jesus flang it.

marg - sounds like a great bonfire - I will have one when I return. Some of what needs to be burned is from the basement and some from mother - good mixture. We actually need a bigger fire pit. Gary set the grass on fire last year. Don't you move anymore furniture. I am feeling fine physically today, so will do several hours this afternoon. I want a break later as we are taking my godson and sig o. out for supper tonight. I find the walk is good for me. I can browse a few shops along the way - always a nice distraction. It is fine in the daytime - but wouldn't want to walk much of it after dark. Fortunately it is light late now.

Austin - thinking of you and your loss. Let us know how you are. (((((((hugs))))))))

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you.
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Sharynmarie,

Sorry, I thought I proofed my post. "She can get very neg," etc.
Margeaux
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Emjo,

Right on! I figured there must be the exercise and browsing reason to do the walks.
I do this too. Love it.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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CM~I understand what you are saying, and appreciate it, but...I think this may be a situation of boundaries. I think the longer I ignore her, the worse she will become.
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I agree Sharyn -she is walking over people.

sandwich - meant to say I love "Files not Piles" - will pass this on the G who works on the Pile system. Hope your mum settles somewhat. Mine is quiet-ish for now as they are catering to her. We all know it will not last.

I am figuring that if I give the SW things to do as she does me, she may press to get mother released sooner. I am dropping off more and more of mother's clothes there, which they can pack up when mother moves, and also all the supplements I found in her kitchen. Hmmm, what else can I bring??? I think a sweater or two, another coat, some different shoes...

Well, better get going, as G and I need to get to the storage place today and get that set up,

-ish now as they are catering to her - but we all know it will not last.
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I overheard heard her talking to the bakery/deli manager yesterday about the decorator not doing her job...the b/d manager asked her, what time did she come in anyway. My point is, they were discussing the decorator about not doing her job, yet she does not talk to the decorator like she is to me.
Yes Margeaux, some of it is her venting negatively and over doing it, and yes, as I posted a while back, this woman walks away when I try to ask a question or tell her something like I was trying to tell her how I filtered the fryer for her and put it together wrong..she would not listen. I need to set a boundary with her regarding this, and I just realized that maybe...she is being so hard with me is because management may have said something to all of them regarding the chicken fiasco...putting pressure on them and she is taking it out on me.
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I agree, Sharyn, I don't think you can ignore it - I had in mind more, killing her with kindness? - (metaphorically speaking, of course!)

Emjo be proud of me! I consulted my sister on the diplomatic point of whether there could be anything to gain from asking brother to try, at least, changing his travel plans. We had a level-headed discussion about it, and agreed that no there wasn't. So, when mother has forgotten his existence on more than the odd fleeting occasion (as sadly has happened once or twice), he'd better not complain, nor wring his hands, nor take it as proof of mother's advanced dementia. Out of sight, out of mind.
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Sharyn - that gal sounds like a real trouble maker. I think you are right about boundaries.

cm - I am proud of you!!! a level headed discussion with your female sib!!! Out of sight, out of mind indeed!!!

Made a decision to stay here the rest of the week. It will mean changing rooms a couple of times to get the cheap rates, but that is not a big deal. I didn't pack much anyway thinking I was coming for just 3 nights, but I can manage, and maybe buy another pair of slacks cheap. I want to get some white summer ones anyway. G is not going to be here in time tonight to get to the storage place. Then he suggested doing that and a bunch of other things tomorrow morning and still getting me on the bus at noon. I don't think so!!! I got the room cheap enough so it basically is the same as a cheap flight back and forth. Even the bus costs $200 plus taxis, and I have energy issues to deal with. I will get G to water the indoor plants and nothing else really needs my attention that he can't deal with. I have to eat anyway and can cook at mothers if I want to, so that works. This gives me time to do more sorting and packing at a slower pace, find more boxes, buy packing tape, some garbage bags for the shoes etc. take stuff out to the hospital and so on. Breathing a sigh of relief. This feels much more comfortable and I won't be doing it much more often. I will arrange to see the social worker, too, while I am here and maybe get my eyeliner done. Need to change my bus ticket - that is all.
Just call me flexible lol.
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Thanks Sad1: Your brother sounds like a piece of work! But what can we do? It's up to my mother whether she enables my brother to stay unemployed for years as he depends on my mother's money for his "bread and butter", his words exactly. So I keep praying the Serenity Prayer and my CD's on relaxation and stress relief. I have a lot of anger and resentment still going on. The last time I talked to my mother I asked her why she considers me worth less than the rest of the family. For Christmas for example she gave my husband and I old used ornaments and used toiletries from my Dad who died 3 years ago while my daughter right in front of me was given a diamond silver necklace and my brother was given a check. The whole family has been given large sums of money while I have been given nothing. I am treated as the scapegoat and the black sheep of the family. My sister died 3 years ago and the book she had published after she died is all the validation I should need for my mother's unloving behavior. I really need to let go. Blessings from Bunny
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CM~You dont have any reason to apologize to me. I always bend over backwards to keep things flowing positively. Today was better so no need for me to say anything. I am going to pay more attention because I am thinking her real problem is that she that she gets overwhelmed during stressful times like this holiday weekend (Memorial Day Weekend). I will watch, learn, listen...this will help me to understand her better. I have learned at my age, that when things at work become overwhelming...tackle one thing at a time, take deep breathes,continue to move forward. Sometimes we still get done on time, others times we don't...but when you start to panic, obsess and feel that you are the only one who does everything...it all falls apart.

Thank you everyone for your responses and support. I have vented about this enough now. Hopefully, she will have a decent day tomorrow again. I hate to walk on eggshells around someone, time will tell. Hugs!!
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My daughter found a home daycare that operates from 6am-12am. They will take 2 infants together...it will cost them $160 more a month than they budgeted for...but it is doable and brings peace of mind for my daughter. We will probably only see our daughter once a year now...this is understandable as they prefer to fly out here...paying for seating for 4 will be expensive.
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And seeing her...will probably be us going to Idaho once a year...better than nothing and worth it.
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Good morning,
Warning, some gross-ness ahead.
So FIL is the one with severe dementia. He is also a narcissist. MIL is just a little confused, but functions on a daily basis. She is a borderline. Perfect combination for insanity.
Finally got FIL to wear the depends. Charles just took all his underwear so he had no choice. But, he keeps having accidents and the other day I came home to a giant mess and the house just stank. Yesterday too, but both times he would not let me clean him up, thank every deity, only wanted his wife to. He was ashamed. I had to wash everything washable in two rooms. Both times this happened at night. They both go to bed at 8:30 and sleep till at least 10 am. Which is a blessing in a way. Although it is probably not good for them to sleep that much, with additional naps during the day. On the other hand, I know she is exhausted from trying to care for him for the past couple of years.So I am trying not to worry.
FIL is increasingly not there. He doesn't recognize any of us, except occasionally his wife. And their little annoying lapdog. :) He talks a lot about a time when he was 20. Regrets marrying his wife, says they are getting a divorce. (after 67 years) Says he is going to get a job tomorrow. Keeps his wallet like it is his 'precioussss', carries it around, sleeps with it under his pillow, loses it at least once a day. He fondles it, and takes out his money and counts it all day long. This is the part that kind of upsets me. He has never been a nice person, it was always all about him. Charles had a pretty upsetting childhood, with his father's rages and his mothers meltdowns. I am finding that real kindness is being kind when you don't want to be.
Holiday weekends are beginning to look like they will be hell. More time spent in the swamp. Charles and I are going to escape and go to a movie this morning. But I will be worried about what will be happening here. He won't. He keeps saying that they are adults. But they are not. They are lost children. This is harder than I ever expected. Once when I was younger I got married and we were trying to get custody of his kids, who were in a bad situation. The judge asked me what I thought the kids needed, and I naively said Love and Limits. I was wrong there too.
Thanks for listening. I am exhausted. Kudos to everyone that cares for their parents, whether near or far. It is something you just can't be prepared for.
Hugs
Christine
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"I am finding that real kindness is being kind when you don't want to be."

Yes, like courage. Beautifully put, C.
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Thanks, CM. The universe is trying to tell me something. And yes like courage.
Have a peaceful day
Christine
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Looloo,

I so understand what you're experiencing with the husband.
Mine, has been very high strung last two weeks, also. It's causing a lot of tension for me. Yes, definitely good to leave the house for awhile just to get away.
I'm going to do exactly that this a.m., to go see my mom ALONE.

I can relate to your feelings of anger, too. Mother just was always too concerned with other people, like her narcissist sister. When mom was younger and in her prime she manipulated everybody, to get what she only wanted. So unfortunately, sometimes all I feel with her is cordiality. There was a lot of anger caused for sure back in the old days.....and I'm sure I still harbor some repressed anger towards her. I try to forgive, but it's hard to forget. Your situation must be different in the sense that it sounds as if you are more in charge of your mom, I'm not. That makes a big difference, also.

I'm sorry to hear that she's possibly having the UTI.
Good idea not to think about it too much for now.

Big Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,

I must say.....I'm a bit confused about how your are dealing with this co-worker.
On the one hand I think you wrote, that she just wants to dump. Then, if I'm understanding correctly, if you say something work related, that she doesn't want to give you the opportunity to say your piece.

Now that you have also indicated that you overheard her talking w/the manager
this could be your big clue that she is an instigator. She sounds like a baitor for sure. Why is it that you are explaining to her about a fryer? Did she ask you about that, or are you volunteering this aspect of your dealings with her?

I hope you don't mind my asking these questions, just trying to understand.
I still nevertheless don't feel that you can trust her, irrespective of how responsible you are.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Camarylis,

Wow! That's a hard aspect of caregiving, for sure. Over a month ago, my husband and me were there for a visit w/mom, where my sister lives and is in charge of her care. My husband, who always will let's say downplay the ALZ, or any ailments mother has. I know he does this from not knowing enough, and I guess some kind of denial. My sister, somewhat bragged to us, "Well mom is 93, and other people tell me that she's in good shape for her age, etc." She also added, that at least mom could still take herself to the bathroom, and wasn't in diapers. Well, one week later mom started suffering from constipation. This landed her in ER twice. The second time she was admitted to the hospital.
When she was sent home, of course things had really changed, because a frail woman, was even more frail. So now the diaper situation was in. This must be a difficult moment for any elder, no matter the age, gender. His poor wife, since you've said that she's confused, and I do know she's a very small person. How does she manage that part of it? Must be very hard, physically!
Given the many challenges it seems are growing and you're currently facing,
maybe it's time to really start looking for some kind of care outside of your home for him.

But for today, please do as your husband does, forget about it for awhile
and enjoy the movie.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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