The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Margeaux~When I was first transferred to this store, the woman "A" was always complaining, "I have to do to everything and nobody helps me", (boohoo). When someone talks like that, I can't help but feel, she was directing it to me. Her complaint was with the fryer...it has to be filtered everyday. This fryer is different from the fryers I have used and filtered in other stores. I told her I have not filter this type before so just show me how.

Anyway, "A" was off one Monday, so I decided I would try to filter the fryer for her. I apparently put it together wrong and when "A" tried to filter it the next day, it wasn't filtering right. She, of course started in complaining. I tried several times to explain to her that I filtered it and could have put it together wrong...but alas...she would not "LISTEN", interrupted me several times saying, someone broke "my" fryer!! I finally said very loudly, "That someone was ME!! I filtered it yesterday and I did the best I could!" Then I walked over to the b/d manager and told her I was taking a break.

When I came back from my break, then she apologized for pissing me off and that the fryer frustrates her because there are always issues with it. She said she expected the other woman who knows how to filter it to do it, not me. She said I put it together wrong but she fixed it once she understood what happened. Geeze...if you would only LISTEN to what I was trying to tell you, it would not escalate to anger!
It is what it is, I try really hard, but her dumping, complaining gets to me and wears me down.

Anyway, she works today, is off tomorrow...then I am off Wednesday and Thursday...YAY...3 days of not having to be around her, LOL!! Hubby asked for Wednesday off...a day away from the house will do me good...a day in the mountains to relax and view beauty.

Cleaning up those "accidents" are always gross, Depends or not. With my Dad I gave him a daily dose of Citrucel which is like Metamucil but doesn't cause gas. Now, I am giving my mom very high-quality probiotics. This has made a big difference and I think she has only had one accident in six months. Probiotics have no other side effects other then introducing good bacteria into the digestive tract.

Christine~You are such a good person doing all this, I know it comes with being married, helping your husbands family. You are doing such a great job with his parents, kudos to you!!

When my dad was ill with Alz, he would hide his wallet and of course forget where he put it. My mother had a piece of chain cut at a hardware store and attached a clip on one end of the chain to clip the chain on dad's belt loop and had a grommet put in the wallet to attach the chain. It worked well in cutting down having to spend time looking for his wallet and he was in style with the younger men who all were wearing these chains attached to their wallets and belt loops, LOL!!

We too started probiotics about three or four months ago at doctor's suggestion to help control the D. It has worked wonderfully! Used to have multiple explosions each day, and hadn't had one until yesterday. I think that was the result of some food I brought in for dinner. Will never bring that food in, every again! It was a new chain that evidently does well, but not in this household!

So, Christine, try the probiotics to control some of that. My mom has had chronic D for probably 60 years.

Aaargh!!!! Vent.

I packed up mother's toiletries and clothing yesterday. I had already told the SW that I was doing that on the weekend, and also what I was bringing for mother. In addition, I asked her not to OK any more money expenditures without running them past me. I got no response.

This morning I wrote again, and said I would deliver stuff a few days later than I had thought, as I was staying on town and asked if there was anything else mother needed.

The SW gave me a list - all of which I packed yesterday and are at the bottom of boxes. Like when was she going to tell me this? After we had moved things into storage and I had gone back home? She has made no mention of the money she spent without my permission, but said if I wanted to see her to discuss anything, Wednesday would be best. I don't particularly want to see her or discuss anything. I want her to assure me, in writing, that she will make no more unauthorized expenditures. There is just no "tactful" way to say it to her, that I can think of. Also I am asking for an accounting of expenditures to date. There does not seem to be any regular reporting of this and that makes me uncomfortable, as I am responsible for any of mother's money that is spent, I gave the hospital, $2000, at her request, for mother's account, as mother's drugs and supplements are quite costly. Thinking about it that amount seems rather excessive, so I am asking for an accounting every 2 months.

Not sleeping well - thyroid still too high, I think, but it is coming down or I would be more pi**ed off.

Nice dinner with friends, but no G, who had horse issues and was hauling a couple of them around the countryside. Oh well, it could be worse. Back to court tomorrow over the horses and I hope it is done this time whatever the outcome. I know he is stressed about it and this off and on is stressing him more.

Raining today, better most of the rest of the week supposedly.

Thanks for the advice...yes, that is just another thing to deal with. It upsets me that he doesn't know who Charles is, or his wife at times. He never knows who I am. Yesterday he called me ma'am. In a few years this will almost be funny. But not today. I am feeling really stressed. And I have to not feel that way. Stressed goes quickly to depressed. And then I will be no good to anyone...
Thanks for listening and have a peaceful day
Christine

"Like" isn't the right response, Emjo - what I mean, of course, is that I'm sorry you're having more teething troubles with the SW, and more bits and pieces of hassle. Oh my goodness won't it be wonderful when we get to that oasis in the future where everything is just sorted out…

I must have missed it: what's the court issue ref the horses?

I went to my first session of ACT today. Acceptance Commitment Therapy. What I realized was that I have allowed my mother's behaviour to take over my life. She is actually 5th on my list of what I consider the most important relationships in my life. So I realize I need to step back and detach. My mental and physical health are more important than she is. She's lived to 95. She's had a long, amazing life and doing exactly what she wants. Why should I allow her to destroy my health, my marriage and my relationship with my daughter? I need to get off this merry-go-round.

Have never heard of ACT but it sounds like a very useful program. hope it helps you Bunny

Sharynmarie,

O.K., now I understand better what you've been experiencing with this very difficult employee. This defect, shall I call it, "not listening," is a terrible trait for anyone having to deal with when really it should take cooperation on several people's behalf to make things run smoothly.

Well, you are so considerate, and honest to be trying to explain this to this idiot!
But you know what, sometimes say when someone isn't listening, and from what you've described here, this is more serious than just not listening. She sounds like she's in total aggravation mode, and just cuts you off. I've been in that situation before with people very close to me. Nowadays when I've come up against this type of hostile resistance, I just back off. There's no sense in trying to explain away to these kinds of people. All this does is take you with them down their angry path. I'm learning that boundaries doesn't just tantamount to what you are preventing the other party from doing, but also applies to ourselves and our reactions to some bizarre scenarios.

I am truly sorry that you are currently working with someone like this.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Here I am listening to my 90 year old father press the same emotional notes on my 57 year old heart... bittersweet notes, bittersweet arguments, familiarity and contempt rearing its venom on my struggle for faith in times of adversity. I question all that is good and holy in the family relationship underscoring the "is this normal".... It isn't good enough to believe we always hurt those we love! Why my father and I battle to the death when my mother doesn't react to his taunts..
I read the bible and in it there are stories of "dysfunctional family dynamics". God help me as I sort through my own self absorption and narcissistic ways (the apples doesn't fall far from the tree) which have magnified in my psyche now after living with him 2 and 1/2 years. Being true to myself is "not nice" in a dysfunctional environment and I can't pray away the feeling that my only sibling and I will be resentful for the lack of control I displayed around my father .. my part in all of this is I fight back with the devil as I battle to save my soul.... yet how can I win if the commandment is to ""honor thy parents"... In the years I lived apart, they were good memories but some old wounds have reappeared. I am trying to sort through it all while they are here to not learn how to repeat the same mistakes... only I am here complaining aren't I that says it all about me. I just can't accept the truth. My father said so many things tonight but what I feel is this... no matter what my heart offers it is like throwing pearls to swine on a bad day.... overshadowing any good I may do... and that is what makes me strive to say to my father I feel like the devil is in the car with me.... just pure strife and bitterness. His hatred is real....
My younger brother says I am "just like him".... as he gets on the plane to fly 1400 miles away after a 4 day trip home ever 4 to 6 months. We were close always laughing at our dysfunction until now.... I am trying to work on it.... he accepts it....but says IT WON'T BE LONG meaning the time we have left..WHY DO I NEED TO BE REMINDED OF THAT FACT UNLESS HE FEELS I NEED THE REALITY CHECK...OF COURSE EVERY DAY I CHASTISE MY CONSCIOUS WITH THE ANY DAY COULD BE THE LAST I HAVE WITH EITHER OF MY PARENTS AND I FEEL PRESSURED TO GET EVERYTHING RIGHT BETWEEN MYSELF AND GOD IN THE HOPES THAT I CAN GET RIGHT WITH THEM.....the last thing I want is to grow bitter yet I am creating bitterness by trying to face the dysfunction...but I seem to push people away when I worry... I seem to perceive things no one else does yet I am here shouldering all of it not very well it seems.

Tonight I left my mother alone and afraid in her hospital room... that lead to my wanting to return early in the morning... I have an appointment with a counselor at 11:30 am... I asked dad if he wanted to get up early and go stay with mom early.... please tell me why he had to "challenge" my appointment , and then my going early to the hospital.... the battles are always getting in the way of the victories of loving them and myself through this.... God helps us find the good in those who work according to his purpose... I pray this caregiving is God's purpose for my life because I can't live or make it through this alone. My only living brother and I will lose each other over the bitterness I have battled and the pride that rears its ugly head whether I am right or he is right.... always pride gets in the way of love... greed... always about the money.... spent not about the money saved having me here.... and for me the biggest battle of the flesh as I have gained 20 pounds stuffing to avoid negative emotions at times and other times the anxiety that has caused me to choose avoidance rather than to face the giants...I am battling...

Thanks for the post...Godspeed

GraceofGod~Welcome!!! We understand your pain and confusion. I don't know what you may think about this...it is referred to as "detaching with love." What this means is that you can work on yourself to emotionally detach from the chaos going on around you so it is not nearly as hurtful. Google the above term. In order to detach, I think we must grieve the loss of our childhood and not having loving supporting parents who were not there for us as children. There also Christian sites on the net that deal with detaching and setting boundaries. Hang in there and come back again as we will support you as best we can. Hugs to you!!

Margeaux~Thank you, I am glad you are seeing this situation more clearly. Today, "A" was cackling and carrying on...the b/d manager was here today. She did give me a sidebar...telling me that she was talked to by the store manager and b/d manager about her hours...going over 40 hours in a week. Of course, her defense was that she has to prep chickens...etc. Well, this is part of her responsibilities as the "fryer" shift. I prep for her the majority of the time anyway.. What I am seeing is that when the b/d manager is at work, she is laughing, cackling and carrying on. I am sure that the b/d manager is passing work onto her before I get there that puts her behind...this is normal. I agree, I really think she is looking out for herself.

Not listening AND panicking - she's just a delight to work with, Sharyn! But there you are you see - you got through in the end, and the problem got fixed. I'm becoming increasingly convinced the company put you there on purpose :) x

Sharynmarie - I used to be a secretary/"Admin Assistant". We hired in a new person to the admin pool. She sat two cubes away from me. Previous to her hiring, the ONE person she supported basically did most of that work for himself. Some of the tasks, like processing expense reports, faxing, and sorting his mail came to me. Once in a while I'd have to make travel arrangements for him, but he did it himself 80% of the time. It was really no big woop. I supported the VP of the division and was already doing this work for her and the 5 direct reports anyway. What's another person?

When this new person came in, you would have thought she was supporting the entire building of people by herself. She was always in a fluster. Her cube was full of giant sliding piles of paper. She was working overtime to catch up. She looked dissheveled and harried all the time. I never bought it. It looked like bad acting to me. She also referred to all the office equipment as "hers". Funny. She was rude to the rest of us, treated us like second class poop, and did not think twice about putting her burden on somebody else for convenience.

When anyone higher in rank was around though, she was telling them all about her strenuous work load and how her back was going to break under the sheer weight of it. She also cast dispursions on the other admins in our area. She would make side comments about how they were disorganized (said the pot to the kettle...) or had bad phone skills, didn't pick up mail on time, etc. This was a smoke screen to throw people off seeing how thoroughly incompetent she herself was. These things were not true about the other girls, just her. She never tried to take me on because I outranked her in a way and my VP loved me.

She NEVER was willing to let anyone roll their phones to her to take a break. But we had to take her phones all the time for her to scurry off to do God knows what for 45 minutes at a time multiple times a day. Quite frankly, I didn't really want her answering my phone lines. I didn't trust her to take a simple message correctly.

She was eventually downsized and magically all that work went back to what it had been. The office was just so much more calm without this troublemaking stress puppy running around like a Jack Russel Terrier, making so much fuss over the smallest piece of work.

With some people, you have to look past the act. Past the smoke screen. What do you see versus what do you hear out of them? I saw a woman who had no organizational skills, no people/phone skills, and was completely untrainable. I always wondered how she got past the hiring committee other than having a really great show to perform. I think in the end she must have ticked off the wrong person to be downsized in the first round. I guess she wasn't really all that critical after all!

Long after it was all over, we were talking about her. My boss said something to me to the effect that the really busy people in the office didn't have time to talk about how busy they were.

Sandwich-Thank you! Don't you just love it when someone has such grandiose entitlement of actually personally owning equipment!

Going to spend some (maybe all the) time today just for me. My guts/the candida infection are flaring up and some night sweating. Probably due to stress. I will get some more probiotics, and coconut milk yogurt. Yesterday afternoon I came back to the hotel in the rain. Today it is not raining, so I can go out and wander a bit at a leisurely pace. There is a great bookstore about 2 1/2 blocks away. . The storage unit and the moving van are secured, though the van only for Friday, but G will adapt. Tomorrow my ex will drive me out to the hospital to deliver things for mother.
cm - not teething problems, it is a lost cause. Obviously, the hospital is run for the convenience of the staff when they require that a 102 yr. old woman change her mode of dress to suit them. However, I must insist on proper handling of mother's money. The horse case is that G has been charged with keeping animals in distress because a couple of half Arabians are skinnier than the rest and their ribs show. They have always been skinnier - the nature of the beast. G told them his ribs show too, but he is not in distress. One other charge was thrown out and they are scraping the bottom of the barrel to support this one. . Someone is gong into his pastures and looking for things to report to the SPCA - to the point of being ridiculous at times. This is the third time it has gone to court, as the other times they did not have their act together. I hope it gets resolved this time, as it is a cause of much stress. Truly, he has too many horses. Most people could not manage as well as he does. I can agree with that, but they are not in distress. If court requires him to reduce the size of his herd, and keep it smaller, I would be happy.

Time to head off to the bookstore and find another Malcolm Gladwell book. I just finished "Blink" and found it very interesting and thought stimulating.

I want to spend some time later getting caught up on the new people/issues.

bunnyrabbit - I identify with much of what you write, and GraceofGod too. Honouring one's parents does not extend to taking abuse. Love yourself as you love others.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you. :)

I finally went to mother's yesterday, unannounced to my sister.
As some of you know, some time in the past I'd check in with her, to coincide visits w/some relief CG time. When I arrived, which was 11:30 a.m., the caregiver was there. She's a CG from the past my sister had let go, however I think she is having her come in again. That's good, because she's very affectionate with mom, and does the do.

So I went into mom's room and she was in her little bed. She had her legs propped up, w/the blankets off her. I'm not sure whether she was feeling hot,
or just wanted to have her legs in another position. The first thing she said to me,
was "Hello, and Oh......I'm exposing my a** to you." I started laughing. She did have underwear on, her legs were exposed. She looked pretty good. After that, she got up, and we had breakfast together. Later she went to the living room couch, w/the TV on, fell asleep. So I was talking to the CG.

Later at least 2 hrs., later there was an incoming call from my sister to the CG. The CG told her I was there. When the CG got off the phone she says to me that my sister had stated, "She didn't tell me she was coming." HAAH! Interesting.......I guess I'm supposed to dock in w/her (or so SHE would like),
before I drop in.

Then later there was another call from my sister. This time the phone was passed to me. My sister tells me, that the CG was to be there til 5:00 p.m.,
if It was o.k., w/me she leave about 4:30, and I stay til 5:00. The CG had told me she was going to a small gathering for her grandaughter's "B," day. I reluctantly said O.K., as I'd already been there about 3 hrs. I really did this more for the CG. But I did have some moments of angst of feeling the trapped feeling by my sister. But I did answer her in a serious tone, so as not to give her the impression she could show up beyond said hour. I don't know where she was, nor did I ask any questions to the CG. My sister told me on this phone call that she didn't want to have to rush home. She was at her daughter's having a small cake & ice cream, since her little grand daughter's birthday was also yesterday. There's a party for her next weekend. I thought to myself, "well, I've been here since 11:30 a.m." so obviously you're not rushing home. She showed up at a little before 5:00.
We talked briefly, for about 15 mins., then I told her I had to go. I could tell by her tone and the way my sister stares at me, that she was thinking all kind of things, and even probably puzzled at the fact I didn't ask, bring up conversations I've allowed for her to engage in, in the past. Really trying to keep my distance with her. This was the best I could do, because I was hoping just to drop in visit unencumbered by my sister's and her youngest daughter's energy.

Overall, mom was real cute. I also found out that it they'll be taking her off of Hospice, because they think she's recuperated enough from the last hospital stay.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

I'm trying to get some ME time in also. My sinuses got so bad after this last week,
my husband became Smokey the Bear, burning old bills. I was aggravated when it turned out this way, for precisely my sinus/allergy conditions. Oh!!! Heavens to Murgatroy! Also, as he burned and burned......I thought, "I hope none of the neighbors complain about smell of smoke." We live in a crowded community which wants people to follow environmental rules, which I totally understand!

I think I'm going into the tub this evening myself.
This coconut yogurt sounds really good, I'm going to look for some.

Hope your flare up calms down.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux maybe your sister wants notice of your visit so she can be sure the house is clean for your visit!!!!!!!!!!!1

Emjo are Gary's thin horses elderly? It is almost impossible to keep weight on a horse when it is old even though you keep their teeth floated. They also tend to get problems with their thyroids and often grow a very heavy coat that may not shed out in the Spring. I have cared for several elderly horses with these problems. My last one died at age 37!!!!!

Hi Veronica - no, they are not elderly. Just thinner than the quarter horses which are very well muscled. Think of dogs - greyhound vs boxer. They just are not the same build. The case was postponed again. Really they are trying to harass G into caving into their requests/demands out of court, I think because they really do not have much of a case. The SPCA guy is ex RCMP so he has cronies, and the whole thing, according to G, is crooked. Meanwhile G is paying a lawyer for not doing much at all except turning up. I think if they had a case it would have been over by now, but it seems they don't want to go before the judge.
Good for you for caring for elderly horses - 37 is quite an age!

Went to a walk-in clinic and got some meds for the candida and F/M. I am so bloated I look 6 months pregnant!!! Got the coconut milk yogurt too, and some other things, so am well set up for the rest of my stay. The sun is shining and no rain clouds in sight at present. It was lovely walking, G and I will hot tub and have dinner one of these evenings. :)

Took mom's special pink walker to her today. She had been using one from PT, but today was the last day for that, and the walker will have to go back. She sat and crabbed the entire time about being in a h*ll hole, eating slop, and how she'd asked me 10 times to bring a finger nail clipper and I won't because Blah blah blah blah.

I had brought my husband's Aunt B with me, so she could see how mom is. I should have known better than to go visit after 4 pm.

I was getting an angry tongue lashing the entire time about how I've done this to her deliberately and she doesn't like the way I do anything blah blah blah blah. I also brought her more clean clothes, and she looked right at me and said "It's like you think I'm going to stay here longer and I'm not." More hot & spicy verbal abuse happened. I have to say I'm bored by it today. It didn't upset me at all. I expect her to be mean as a snake and twice as ugly, so it's not in the least bit shocking to me.

Finally the elevator showed up, not a moment too soon. It was very shocking to Aunt B. I'm used to it.

About two hours later, I get a call from mom, but don't answer. She left a message as long as the machine would allow. I could hear her tone of voice, but didn't go back to listen to the content. A second call came in later. "Hey Sh-thead bring me bathrobes blah blah blah blah wah, wanh, wanh, wah....etc." She has forgotten she has a bathrobe I guess. And nobody by the name of Sh-thead resides here, not even Steve Martin's dog.

Lesson: swearing heats up mom's neurons pretty darn quickly. Also, never ever ever go visit after work again, unless it's an emergency where somebody's eyeballs are on fire.

This post maybe should go into the "Failures and Accomplishments" thread, but I haven't posted anything here in awhile, so... (and btw, haven't posted largely because I've been pondering, mulling over, brooding on many personal topics and have zero "conclusions," so have been just reading and empathizing with everyone else's situations, Thank You All.)

So my dad has many habits that drive me crazy and I do try to by-and-large understand that this is his home and he's a hoarder and sees clutter as necessary and good while I see it as a Big Problem since when I came here, I had to go through this house full of floor to ceiling piles of miscellaneous items and I've put much work - much work - into making this home clean, livable, and organized. So when my dad starts placing a chair in front of where I keep cleaning supplies in the basement, I put the chair back in its designated storage spot. Next time I'm in the basement storage/laundry area, I see chair is back in this weird, random, right-in-the-middle-of-things spot that it shouldn't be in. I put chair back. Dad and I play this game for the past week, and today I see that he used the wooden table I use for folding clothes to anchor his chair placement, taking the time to lift the table up and place the table leg through the chair arms, so that the chair cannot be easily moved. Now, my dad is completely capable of just doing things like this for no reason, HOWEVER I realize that my dad's shoe rack is sitting in this corner and just completely by accident was overlooked when everything else was moved back into his room in the finished part of basement from basement storage area. (There was construction, mold remediation, so all dad's items went to storage area.) That shoe rack should've come out and been placed back into his room in basement area, but just by sheer coincidence, it was overlooked. And now, I don't know what is more funny to me: that I didn't NOTICE that the reason my dad is dragging a chair to this weird, random area is because he needs to sit in it to put his shoes on - OR - that my dad didn't make the logical decision that he could now move his shoe rack back into his room where it goes! Or even that he didn't just tell me that he was moving the chair there to sit and put his shoes on... its just strange all around.

I realize some of you fight much harder battles than this, but I do feel like I live in crazy town much of the time. And I'm glad I have friends to share this with who understand. :-) (((hugs)))

ABB, I would not have noticed that and came up with your scenarios. Maybe, it's all 3! Will you be asking him if he wants to move it to his room? Thanks for sharing. Sometimes we all need a little light-hearted touching story. {{hugs}}

ABB - good thing you figured it out in time! - I've known less puzzling Sherlock Holmes outlines. "What the… WHY are you..?"

Sandwich if anyone else spoke to you like that, I assume, they wouldn't be doing it twice. Seems to me you're taking an awful lot on the chin - which is brave of you, I'm not criticising, well done you; but how much more of this can anyone be expected to handle?

Alison, that is so strange. My mother has a chair she keeps moving, too. She also has a blanket she lays on the floor by her bed. She puts the chair at the foot of her bed. I move the chair and pick up the blanket, she puts them back. This goes on and on. I haven't been able to determine what the purpose of either one is. I'll just have to do what you did and look for the why.

Hello again,
Well, yesterday I came home and MIL told me that FIL had been sitting at the kitchen table all afternoon, counting the money in his wallet repeatedly. She doesn't know what to think or do. I thought, well, at least he was happy. His tone has changed a lot...he is living way in the past, thinks he is 20. Going to get a job tomorrow. I think this is where the money counting is from, he wants to make sure he has enough for bus fare, I guess.
I am feeling sad that he is so far gone, but glad he is peaceful. Even calm like this, though, I am not sure I can handle it. I have been feeling so exhausted lately, not by anything physical but from the emotional part. I have to get a handle on that. I can't fix this. It is also a little stressful having to come up with ideas for dinner every night. I like to cook, but am coming home and making full meals when I used to not, I would just have a sandwich or something when I was by myself. I feel like I am whining, too, it has only been a couple of weeks. I guess it takes me longer to change.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

Sandwich,

Great post about your ex-coworker! I once too worked in a big law firm and there was one secretary that missed so much work. Our office manager was such a sweet, nice woman too! I couldn't understand how someone like this worker got away with the absences and kept her job. Well, when the company was laying off, back in the Reagan Era I was the one who got laid off, since I was the one with the least senority. I was so disheartened by this, as it was for a good company, and my wages were pretty good! After I left, I often wondered whether they kept that other employee. It's often so unfair what we go through at jobs....the putting up w/people who are just taking up space, or causing chaos.

I'm sorry that you're mother is being so mouthy with you!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Christine I know it is hard for you to come up with dinner ideas every night when all you want is a sandwich. Have you thought about making up caseroles etc and freezing them for dinner during the week and maybe bringing in take out one evening if you can afford it. Maybe a crock pot one night you can put together the night before and turn on before you leave for work. throw in some some either brought or home made and fresh or canned fruit and you are good to go. You are doing an excellent job and it does not matter how often he counts his money at least he is doing something and has become calmer that is progress.