notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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bunny, I can identify with the worthless presents - not as bad as you have it but it doesn't take too many instances of being treated like that to leave a lasting effect. You mention anger and resentment. They eat at you and affect your physical health too. The past few months I am better realising the negative effect her disease has on me, as I have a break from direct contact with mother. It is not just the past, but the ongoing abuses which are bad enough on their own, but also trigger the past. Glad the ACT is helping. You should not allow her to destroy your life - definitely get off the merry go round.
Christine, you are handling this all very gracefully. I do hope you and your husband are looking into a placement for his dad. The stress of having the two of them with you, declining is significant.
marg - good for sidestepping your sis, though she will try to take advantage of any opportunity...
Sharyn - sounds like you are getting a handle on that co worker. Yes, you will have to visit your daughter. New life brings changes.
glad - wonderful that the probiotics are working so well. I would not be surprised if more seniors would benefit from them Too many antibiotics upset the gut balance.
Grace - I hope you stop beating yourself up over what you perceive as your deficiencies. "no matter what my heart offers it is like throwing pearls to swine on a bad day" Yes, it does feel like that. How many times I have gone to visit mother, to reassure her, to take her out for a nice meal, to do something for her, to have it thrown back in my face, or have her try to start an argument with me, or have her accuse me of something. It is a lose - lose, but they win by the losing, as they have that kind of nature. To me, it sounds like you are pretty stressed and need to look at some alternate arrangements for your parents and start putting you and your healing first. I do not believe that God wants you bitter and broken down. Sharyn mentioned detaching. It is necessary to survive, not just endure, narcissistic parents.
sandwich -wow - seen a few like that over the years and too many bosses who fall for it, or the cleavage they show. Usually it works out in the wash, but can take years. I know one who used to boast about using her physical attributes to get what she wanted from men. probably good for Aunt B to see how your mum is, but what a shock for her.
Alison - I can see why that would be aggravating - with everything else you have to deal with. Crazyville is not a nice place to visit and you definitely don't want to live there.
cm -how are the plans going?
everyone - have a good day and do something good for you.
The repetitive money counting is a symptom of dementia. Teepa Snow discusses that behavior in one of her training videos. I'm 90% sure this is the one: youtube/watch?v=pqmqC-702Yg
Christine
youtube/watch?v=xUjOarB8XUc
Good grief, tonight I came home to hear that FIL was going to offer people money to drive him to his home. I can't get the straight of it, if he asked a neighbor or one of the visiting nurses that come to see MIL.
I am going to be crazy soon.
Thanks for listening,
Christine
I realize you have done so,, so much for your father, which is a good thing!
Who else in your clan would do all that for him?
But.....I will say also that if this behavior of he placing the chair in front of your supply place, short of it being something unsafe try to look at it also as possibly the few ways he takes the initiative to do something, since I'm aware that you've told us he doesn't want to go get his groceries. In other words, it's getting him up out of his bed/sofa, etc. to do something. My sister who is the one who moved in w/mother, also has complained to me of how she dislikes it whenever mother barely hints at the idea of my sister taking over things such as re-decoration of mother's house w/lot's of sister's own furniture, and pictures, etc.
Even if they are elderly and their homes many times suffer from neglect and disrepair, I've reminded my sister too......that it is still mom's home. So in other words, try ignoring their attempts at displaying some kind of control. They really no longer have real control anymore, so it could be coming from that angle.
Yes, and I agree with you, that this is for crazy making! But you've done and continue to do a wonderful job with your dad. He is more than a fortunate man to have such a great daughter such as you.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Oh do I know about coming up with dinner ideas, and sometimes we just don't know what to prepare. I cook a lot here at home, which I don't mind, because for us it's way healthier than eating out, or take out, etc. Plus, where I live it's quite pricey, and quality is low, so I'm not going there.
What I do on what I like to call my low maintenance dinner menu's is,
sometimes I'll pick a day when I'm less busy. I'll make beans, lentils, etc.
Then I'll use these ingredients to make things such as burritos. For the burritos of course you'd need tortillas, don't know where you live. But I saute up some chicken, make some white or brown rice. Of course, it's easier if you've made most of these things before hand. Then you can just assemble it, by placing some of the chicken in the tortilla, little bit of rice, then the beans. On top of that you can shred some cheddar or your choice cheese. Actually you can put whatever added things you want when you saute the chicken such as onions, garlic, "making myself hungry."
Another very easy: Quesadilla. Flour or corn tortilla, here. Shred the cheese,
add some onions, fresh cut tomatoes, cilantro and place all of that on the tortilla.
Warm it up in a fry pan, (no oil involved here), only to heat the tortilla, and melt the cheese. If you really want to get fancy w/these, you can add beans, and small cut pieces of cooked chicken. These are easier than the burritos, if you don't have things prepped before hand.
What about a soup and salad menu? Soup is easy to prep before hand, also better tasting next day, anyway (my opinion). Then you just get your salad going.
Voila! Bon appetite. The casserole ideas are good too!
Mmmmmmmm! If you have any questions, just give me a holler!
Now I have made myself real hungry,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I made spaghetti last night.
But I'm trying to stay away from meat right now, trying to clean up my diet a bit.
Margeaux
Anyway. The reason I had to ring was that I decided to pick on my son, as Senior Grandson, to give a short, affectionate and amusing speech in honour of his granny at this party that I'm beginning to regret ever suggesting. Son, as ex-officer and (I hope not ex-) gentleman, said he would be delighted to but didn't want to usurp his uncles' prior claim to the privilege (ironic? A child of mine? Surely not); he insisted I check that they would not object. Well I did tell him I was quite sure they wouldn't, especially seeing as one would be out of the country and the other would rather cut his own toes off than speak in public… but he was correct, I suppose, and now we have it confirmed. Senior Grandson to deliver speech and propose toast.
Gosh, I hope he'll keep it clean.
Now he wants material for it. I'm considering suggesting he consult his siblings and cousins, and ask each to contribute a favourite memory/anecdote/moral tale learned from/saying of their grandmother - wouldn't that be cute? And touching? Is this a good idea or am I losing my mind? There are seven of them, not including quasi-step-sisters, so that should cover quite as much time as anyone will want to listen for. Hm. Have to remember this is her birthday, not a wake, and she'll be there to hear it of course. I'm also a little afraid that it's only my children who've spent very much time with her over the last thirty years and it might look as if I'm making a point. But surely Lovely Nephews 1, 2 and 3 and Lovely Only Niece can rustle up something to say about her?
I have been a total coward and dropped the idea of making the birthday cake. I was enjoying the initial design stages, but then the reality of the baking, construction, icing and decoration began to dawn and I realised that instead of being fun and lovely it could turn into a major stress and I never would get to the hairdresser - I'd be up at four in the morning desperately trying to turn a blob of icing into a snow leopard or trying to print pictures off the internet onto rice paper. Know thyself, I told myself, and rang the baker to order one. If she gets to 100, I'll do the Carnival Cake. Promise.
Emjo, please take good care of yourself. Can you estimate in weeks how long it will be before you can really expect the bulk of arrangements to be more or less settled down? I always think it's easier to grit your teeth if you've some idea of how long you have to grit your teeth for. And there do seem to be some old stress symptoms bubbling up, are there? Hope you've got some breaks timetabled in, days or weekends when you can just relax and please yourself. Sorry G is having a worrying time with the horses.
Speaking of Gs, ours upstairs has a severely blocked nose, can't sleep and is feeling terrible: I've been up to administer paracetamol and decongestant vapour and soothing hot drinks, so I hope he at least feels cared about even if we're not a couple any more. The pollen count is horrendous just now - everybody is sneezing, me, the cat, the dog, Alice the hen - but he's really suffering. I think it's the stress of waiting, too; he had an MRI and a bone scan the week before last and was told he'd get the results in a fortnight, which means by this Friday. It's reasonable to hope for good news, but the waiting is very trying all the same.
I'm not even going to think what happens if it's not good news. It will be. Fingers crossed.
Slight complication as they do not have much experience with foods other than what they are 'used to'. Everything else is looked at askance. I did do the sub sandwiches last night, seemed to work. Wish they liked more things...I have been craving mexican food myself. No way for them. Anyway, I will get it together. I am laughing at myself because my dinner 'vocabulary' only is about three weeks worth. Guess I can start repeating now. Ha.
Thanks for listening,
Christine
OK, so last night was really hard on me. I am sensitive and am dealing with FIL during his worst time of day...I feel for him, and can see that his behaviors are from fear and insecurity. I can't fix that, but spent a few hours trying to just be soothing. After I finally got him to go to bed, I called the Alzheimers caregiver help line. The number is 800.272.3900 if anyone ever needs it. They are there 24/7, and the counselor there talked me down from the rafters. I felt like I didn't know what to do with FIL. What to say to him. Intellectually I know this is part of the disease, but it is really hard for me to sit there and try to listen and help him. I was freaking out. I have known a mentally ill person, who had schizophrenia. And talked crazy. FIL is talking crazy. He is in a different place. At least he wasn't being aggressive. But he told me this delusional story about a woman sitting in a chair out in the yard, and that he offered her money to drive him home. Then he said she stole his car. The woman was his wife, who he did not recognize at that moment. And his car has never been here. He kept saying that he needed to report it to the FBI. And that he didn't know how he had gotten to our house. I tried to remind him once or twice, which did no good as he asked me again a minute later. Then I tried just reassuring him, that the car was in the driveway at his house, that his niece was checking on things there every day, and that he was safe and we were so glad he was visiting us. He would just look at me with an unfocused look and start all over again. The night before I got him to sit and watch An Officer and a Gentleman with me, I watched most of it with my eyes closed but he seemed to like it and it made him talk about his days in the Navy. And there was a commercial for a candy bar that he was remembering that he liked. So I stopped at the store and got him some of the candy. Of course he didn't remember but he seemed to sense the kindness, which is what I am thinking will maybe help reassure him.
Oh, I know I can't fix this, and that it won't get better. The counselor last night said that it might take some time for him to adjust to the new living arrangements. But it has gotten worse. He is really out of it most of the time now. He talks about going to work, and keeps obsessively counting the money in his wallet, although he never knows how much he has, thinking he needs bus fare.
What I need to do is walk away and go to my room for a while. I have no time to myself anymore. And I am feeling like a real wimp, falling apart after only three weeks of this.
MIL is really upset about FIL, she is avoiding him, I can see why she is upset to see him this way. But her distress is not helping, and I can't help her either.
I imagine there is some kind of respite care available, I just have to figure out how to get it. Charles is trying to do some of the phone call things as he is home in the mornings. But he is not having the same problem as I am, he has better boundaries with his parents and he is not falling apart so isn't in the same sort of hurry as I am to get things done. Story of my life there. Anyway,
Thanks for listening
Christine
Oh I'd forgotten about the fact they may not be in touch with other kinds of food.
But if you've gone for three weeks without repeating a menu, that is pretty good.
Well I hope they don't get too fussy on you. My husband at times gets picky.
I then tell him, that, "my kitchen isn't a restaurant." Last night I made lentils, which I usually would accompany with a salad. I was too lazy to make the salad.
This was fine, though. He has a palate for richer food than I do, and I am trying to cut down a bit on that. Our diet has become too acidic. When the temps warm up, I will be doing the sandwiches also.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
That is a good one, "My kitchen is not a restaurant". Ha. My people won't eat salad. I try to sneak veggies into things. Like you would with a two year old who won't eat his veggies.
Funny thing happened too. MIL is obsessed with bowel movements. Both theirs and the little darned dog of theirs. Well, she decided the dog was constipated because she wouldn't poop when she was taken outside. So she gave her a small spoonful of butter. And I am cleaning up the dog poop from my carpets every day, so nothing wrong with the dog's digestion! Haha. It is a trial, I am not fond of lap dogs to begin with. We have a border collie/lab mix, who is polite and trained. I probably lose it more over that little dog more than over the parents. :)
Thanks for listening,
Christine
1 box of macaroni noodles/whatever noodle you like, cooked.
1 pound of ground meat + 1 chopped onion, browned together and drained of fat. Season well.
1 can cream of mushroom soup + 1/2 can milk
Velveeta cubes. I use about 2 cups. You can do more or less. Real cheddar does not melt and perform correctly.
In a Hurry Method:
Brown your meat, boil your noodles, and combine everything into a skillet. Heat through and serve.
Standard Method:
Combine everything into a baking dish and bake at 350F for 30 minutes.
Bon Apetite!
Parties are lots of work. Glad to hear that your grandson will be doing the speech.
Interesting in families how one group is the one that has spent more time with her. But you'd be surprised that many times one can get interesting anecdotes about a person, just for the unique ways different people have related to one another.
That's a great move on your part about the cake. It does minimize the stress for you, this way you can enjoy the party, and dedicate some time for your self.
That is very nice of you taking care of your ex, while he isn't feeling well.
I hope that his results are positive.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
He won't hear of my driving him to the hospital and back - it's about ten miles away, and my daughter could mind her granny for a couple of hours. I've told him the offer is there if he wants it. No way of insisting, is there, that anyone can think of? I don't think it's a good idea for him to be driving if it does turn out he's going to be given bad news, but I'm not going to hide his keys or anything.
Couldn't you turn that round to "I should be feeling incredibly proud of how well I'm coping, considering I've only had three weeks to adjust to this."? Lucky, lucky man your FIL is to have you. Brilliant, well done.
I cannot get any help with her, no one will come pick her up and take her out for the day, spend quality time with her or call regularly. When her knees hurt or she is not feeling well, she works herself up into a high state of anxiety. Won't sleep. Up all night. No one in this family gets it and they don't have to. I have one uncle who keeps pushing her to go to church and it is my responsibility to make her. So she adds that to the mix and takes it out on me.
I am angry at myself. I was doing so well, then sat there and fed back into her crap. When I tried to apologize she just kept on. I made my apology, finally, then left the room.
I am tired, crying, and frustrated, feeling hopeless. I do not know how much more I can take without sleep. I cannot take a nap when she does because she does not nap long. Then I cannot sleep at night either. Plus I have a business to operate and clients to answer to.
Thank you for listening. Glad I have this to come to. Bless you all. May we each find a resolution to our own situations.
No one can provide care like this 24/7 and not suffer side affects. Takes more than talking to yourself about the good work you are doing to be physically and mentally up for the challenges. Not being a smartie but it is the truth.
I learned quickly the best way to take care of Mother was to take very good care of myself first. I know your Grandma appreciates all you do for her.
OK, good point. I sure wasn't expecting all this!
I have done pretty well, no big meltdowns till last night!
Thank you
Christine
Great recipe idea, thanks. They do like kid food. My stepdaughter lives in Minnesota, so I am familiar with the 'hot dish'...
Have a peaceful day
Christine
How many weeks - of what??? Tomorrow and, I suspect part of Saturday, is moving the furniture into storage. Who knows how many months before she is moved into a facility. They are very vague. I continue to get dribbled in requests for mother's tear gel, etc. If I had known sooner I could have included it in yesterday's packages, but from now on things will have to be purchased as it all will be in storage. My ride turned up after all. We had crossed messages, so he came and I delivered 4 largish bags of goods for mother. That will have to do. I started the thyroid meds again as I was feeling under the weather, the candida is subsiding again...Today was a quiet day. I asked for an accounting of her monies spent and received a messy accounting that is going to take me sometime to figure out if it all balances. Surely they can do better than that. For example I noticed one receipt had $8.06 change, but nowhere could I find that amount returned to the account. Maybe I can rope in accountant daughter to figure it out. I think we need another holiday, but doubt that is going to happen for a while. When I get home, the basement estimates have to be arranged, then the repairs started. I think my breaks will be a day I take here and there to escape the responsibilities and/or maybe I will go visit someone somewhere. Hope your G is OK. Let us know . Fingers and toes crossed.
Connie - (((((((hugs)))) you sound exhausted. I think your gram needs some meds and maybe you do too. Litteton and shilo have some good suggestions. Absolutely you need to look after yourself and sleep is a basic. Every day try to do one thing for you -even something very small. Try not to engage with your gram at her level. Leaving the room till she feels better can work. Take care.
Ex partner back from doctor's with not good news. Could be worse, but not good. Aggressive type of prostate cancer, but still encapsulated so that's something, and his bone scan was clear. He's been offered a range of options including radical prostatectomy scheduled second week of July which he's inclined to go for. He's very stereotypical male in that he likes to make a decision and have done with it. I've suggested he sleep on it until after the weekend and call the doctor's office first thing Monday.
His ex-wife called; she's a nurse and - where are we? - seventeen years down the line she's beginning to forgive him and forget me, so it's good that she's taking a sympathetic interest.
Made him a good hot curry last night to cheer him up and blast his nasty cold away. I think he appreciated it - it's a bit hard to tell when they've got such a lot on their minds, isn't it. The other advantage of curry is that it's a great way to get fresh vegetables into them without their noticing.
I think I'll start worrying about how to provide care for someone who'd rather not be living with you when we get to it. Meanwhile it's not like mother is miraculously healed or anything...