notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
CM~The plans for your mother's birthday sound great...except for all the interference with sil and brother's lack of interest. You will get through this and your mom will be happy in the end.
Glad~Lots going on with sibs. Such a shame they are spending mom's money to pursue their own needs instead of mom's. Their greed will get them in the end... hand in there.
Alison-Great info from Veronica...I hope all works out for dad...your goals sound great and your questions and concerns need to be addressed by the staff.
Joan~PP and identity theft!! I hope you get it all resolved. All the moving is very strenuous work. Glad you have G to help and the nephews.
Book~Your sister's issue with PP..glad she got it resolved quickly.
Christine~You have your hands full but are handling it all gracefully. Love the saying.."it aint help unless asked for"!!! I will remember that one.
Jamie~Welcome to the thread..You seem to have a system that is working. Good for you!
Bunny~Tough situation for you but glad you are in therapy. Detaching from the situation may be in order to help bring some peace for you. Continue with your therapy and I hope we hear more from you.
Hang in there everyone, our time and energy gets exhausted so remember to take time out for yourselves. Hugs to everyone!!
My niece is holding her own as she undergoes post surgery chemo...bouts of sickness and some issues with the colostomy bag.
I don't talk much with my sis unless it is mom's business issues.
She has all kinds of things she is working on regarding her home inside and out.
The b/d manager told me today that I am expected to close both deli and bakery???? Why wasn't this stated 2-1/2 months ago??
just getting through each day...without sarcastic respones to my questions. Depressed and dealing with it. Hugs!
Glad I can only offer support and echo what everyone else has said.
I keep telling myself four small but square meals a day, that's what mother needs. Get your finger out, woman, plan meals properly and then you won't be chewing your fingernails worrying about whether all the trace elements are covered.
But oh dear. I am no domestic goddess. I love cooking, and especially baking, and I'm not terrible at it; but the home economist side of things… I'm afraid I used to sit in classes thinking "blah blah blah - can we do the cooking now please?"
Glad - it amazes me that people will NEVER learn how expensive the law is. Send your ***delightful*** relatives each a copy of Bleak House. Or don't bother: it might be a bit of a waste of yet more paper. Is there any way of extricating yourself from this suit? And focusing instead on what's going on for you and for your mother in the here and now? I realise there probably isn't, and that you've been entangled in a horrible mesh; it's just that if there's a glimmer of hope of any alternative - mediation, arbitration, anything - this would be such a weight off your mind and out of your life.
Sharyn, no wonder you're feeling depressed - nothing like being told after nearly 3 months that some pretty crucial information got left off your job description. Now they tell you. Terrific. So good of them to let you know. Oh well! - at least now you do know, and now you can start organising those tasks properly, which quite clearly they haven't been until you got involved. Just show 'em how it's done, then you'll feel better.
Lull before the storm with the party. We're up past 30 guests with my dad's side of the family - never noted for their rapid response approach to deadlines - yet to reply and a few more stragglers to round up. It'll be around about 50 all told, I reckon, respectable but not unwieldy. Mother's still happy and excited, except for the mornings when she wakes up afraid that it's been and gone and she's missed it. Imagine even imagining that your family would allow you to miss your own birthday party, and tease you about it afterwards. It's at moments like this that I think very harsh things about my late aunt, the oldest sister who died nine years ago, and the kind of lessons she thought it good to teach my mother.
But there! - she won't be coming, may she rest in peace, so we won't worry about her.
She rang to ask if she could visit mother this weekend. I suggested we go to a local hotel - it's just up the road, not brilliant but it's there - for lunch and without pause for breath she said God! - no.
Well now. The food wouldn't be wonderful, but it would get mother out of the house, she would like 'taking us out' for her treat, and I wouldn't have to shop or cook. Not that I mind cooking, but it's still work whether you enjoy it or not. But there was that automatic No; and I can't decide whether sister hated the idea most because of the food, or because of the expense, or because of the embarrassment of eating in public with mother, or because it's a potential drag and she wouldn't be able to leave as soon as she can't take another moment. Or because she's planning to bring her dog and she doesn't like leaving him in her car. Or all of the above.
Oh well. It doesn't actually matter. I can take mother out whenever she'd like to go. And strictly speaking when sister visits I could always go out for a couple of hours and leave them a plate of sandwiches. But I'm irritated, without really knowing why.
Pam Steadman any input?
And your mother, you reckon, over the years, has in addition advanced or given them c. $250K each?
Just making sure I've understood what you said - is that about it?
Well now. Is it lawful for your mother to change her will like this? Unless you have any reason to believe she does not have the mental capacity to understand what she is doing, then yes it is. And, to be really blunt, unless there are other factors at play that you haven't mentioned, it's none of your business. Your mother can do what she likes with her money.
As for the money she has already given them, unless you have reason to believe that there was extortion or deception or any kind of skulduggery involved, then that again is not your business. Lucky them to have such a generous mother. The only thing that would change this is if her life expectancy begins to look as if she will outlive her funds. Your sisters need to be aware that if, within five years of the gift, she begins to need that money she gave them to live on, they could potentially have to give it back. I hope they haven't spent it all.
I imagine that your sisters consider their - how can I put this - "enhanced" entitlement to a share in your mother's estate fair and reasonable on the grounds that what she is leaving them is their respective homes. Presumably they have lived in these houses for a long time and do not wish to move. And presumably they cannot afford to buy their three siblings' nominal share in the value of their houses (four siblings, I know, but the money they owe to one another would cancel itself out). And, at a guess, they have some kind of bond with your mother that allows them to believe they can accept this additional favour with honour.
And I expect that you and the other non-housed siblings are thinking "oi. How is that fair?" And so would I, probably with a deeply puzzled frown all over my face.
But honestly? Really? For $40K, do you really want to go into battle about this?
If you do, and you want to risk spending most of the money on lawyers' fees, you could explore the possibility of claiming that your sisters exerted undue influence on your mother in persuading her to change her will. But the admirable and constructive thing would be to put the numbers down on paper, make sure everyone is clear about what is being done, and then agree to it. The one and only thing you have any right to be combative about is seeing that what your mother wants to happen, happens.
So, if you've just skipped to the end: assuming your mother has capacity, which she does unless it has already been proved otherwise, then yes it is lawful.
Welcome you are in good company most of us have seen the extremes dysfunctional families/siblings will go to. Check out the website AVVO to ask questions and receive responses from attorneys at no cost.
The big question is does you mom have dementia? When was the will changed? Are you caring for her in her home? How long?
I'm sorry to hear about the diagnosis your ex got recently.
It's so admirable of you that you can put aside whatever things you have between the two of you, and be there morally supporting him, and also making him some curry. Ummmm! delicious, sounds so good.
Well, hopefully he'll do some research about any kind of surgery a doctor may be suggesting. There's plenty of information out there. My brother had this about 2 years, ago. Oddly enough, he at that time was living w/the wife. They'd been living under the same roof, but not speaking to one another. How in the world do people do that? Anyway, the day he had the surgery she and their grown kids were at the hospital. When the doc came out post surgery to give them an update, he asked her whether she wanted to go be by my brother's side. She said, "no." So my sister the controller who was there, went in to see my bro. That must have been a last straw of sorts for him, because 2 mos. later, he threw her out of their home.
They still haven't spoken to one another, and she didn't return. So dysfunctional.
Anyway, I mention this because it reminded me of his situation.
It really takes some mature people to put whatever past conflict they've had aside when someone is in need of moral support and attention.
Congrats to you on that. You and your ex are in my thoughts!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
What do you think lies ahead for your mum? You say she is extremely forgetful. Has she had an evaluation recently? Loss of short term memory can signal the onset of dementia. It is important to know if she is still capable of making sound decisions. Also, has she appointed anyone POA - medical and /or financial. At her age and stage those are an important things to have in place, as well as her wishes regards end of life treatment. Another thing to consider is having her allow her doc to discuss her health and treatment with you, even if you do not have POA medical ad are at a distance. I see from your profile you are in NC And they are in Fla. It seems the others are only interested in money. Some one in the family needs to be concerned for her health.
In all of this take care of you. The stress can get pretty bad.
Emjo conservator is for finances, guardian for medical stuff. I suppose it could be the same person if they had fiduciary skills as well as geriatric management experience. Because this involves a care agreement, even if we could find one person, it would not have been appropriate because of negotiation necessary for the agreement. Guardian is my #1 advocate! I absolutely am so very relieved to have her in the picture! Conservator is another story. But I think she has finally finished up going through mom's finances and now knows what sisters have done, some could get them in BIG trouble. It is about freaking time!
My sis who is the primary on our mother's DPOA has always been in need financially. She got pregnant at 17, married her sweetheart...2 kids and 6 years later she divorced him because he was involved in drugs, controlling and abusive. She immediately tied up with a neighbor 2 doors down who was 13 years older than she. My now husband and I saw a side to this man that was very concerning at a Halloween party my sister hostessed. This man woed her with lavish trips, expensive gifts, etc. So she married him 4 months after I got married. He turned out to be the most abusive person, physical abuse and emotional. Again...6 years later my sis was in need of financial help and my parents rushed in to rescue her...again. Immediately upon her husband leaving and filing for divorce...she tied up with another man from a work situation...he again, was another 11 years older. My sis was drinking heavily at this time and so was he. My parents filled her freezer with meat, paid for other things...now my sis never asked for any of this.but our mother was always fighting to win my sister over to her side (much dysfunction due to personality disorder) as sis and mom clashed ...too much alike.
My point is that my sister knew she could always count on our mom for financial help and she used it her advantage. There were many years that my children and my brother's children got less because sis's kids were in need and came first (they were the first grandchildren for my parents).
I could hold all this against my sister due her bad choices and never having to deal with the outcome because mom and dad ran to her rescue. (BTW... the last man she was involved with for 15 years..turned out to have schizophrena.)., but I chose not to. She is the one my mother favored, mom made all the financial decisions and dad went along with it.
I am far from perfect..I have my issues as well having been brought up in a dysfunctional family. I guess my point is...take the high road, grieve your losses and pray that your mother (no matter how she mothered you) is taken good care of, Hugs to you!!
I cannot tell you how weird this feels. That, I think, is dangerously close to an apology, isn't it? So, credit where it's due? And NOW what do I say to her..???
So that's the good bit this morning. The bad bit, left me seething with frustration, was mother's first words on waking, I quote verbatim: "Sorry, I should have been getting up myself."
I know, sad, right? Apologizing for being woken and helped to get up. Like she has no business to expect anyone to care for her.
And at the same time I feel "FOR F**K's SAKE, mother! I have helped you out of bed every morning for more than two years, this is nothing new! And snap out of it, will you? The world does not consider you a waste of space! It is seventy years since anyone last told you that!" It makes me want to shake her.
It also makes me think that a crash course in NLP would do her a power of good. But since I couldn't get her into even rudimentary therapy, not for want of trying, and her vocabulary is teetering on the edge as it is, there's not much hope of that. Oops buzzer - back in a bit.
Shaking Mum will only make her dentures fall out - you know that.
As far as sister and lunch are concerned. accept gracefully and she may pay the bill.
You won't admit it but that upcomming surgery for the ex is eating away at your feelings and his too. The future will take care of itself. Oh how I wish I was able to listen to my own advice. Hugs
Maybe they will watch Part 1 of Teepa and Pizza Gibbons Caring for the Caregiver. They actually talk about eliminating these dysfunctional family members from your life. How much easier this job would be without their involvement in any way. In fact they told guardian that I was keeping mom from them. Guardian has seen so many bizarre behavior, heard bizarre accusations and told so many bizarre lies. Guardian/Sw told me that this was the reason for her demanding I have breakfast here Christmas eve and then spend more time with them at my daughters house. All went as she wanted, not what I wanted, but it demonstrated to her that I would do anything to have a collaborative relationship with sisters about mom's care. All hope of that is lost now as well, but I will continue to do everything needed in Mom's best interest.
Some background (sorry this is lengthy): He's a year older than I am. I don't have a relationship with him. He's a recovering alcoholic, which is great, but.... he did a LOT of damage in when we were in our teens and 20's (criminal, violent behavior, lots of drug use, jail time), and I honestly didn't see him for years, until my first marriage when I was almost 30. Then, I probably didn't see him again for over 10 years. No calls, emails, no communication -- no hard feelings (well, maybe a few), I wish him well, but this is my preferred way to be now. When my dad died almost 5 years ago, I saw him again, and he seemed to want to re-establish a relationship. This has consisted of an email on Christmas, and email on birthdays, and swapping e-gift cards to one another for the same small $ amount, lol. Ok, fine. I can do that.
With my mother's increasing issues, I mistakenly thought that my brother would want to be more involved, more 'there' for me/us. WRONG. He has 'limitations', and I understand that. And he may need to distance himself from the family crazy in order to keep sober, I get that too.
Which is why I was so upset, as I was heading home to deal w/the DMV letter, that he called out of the blue.
Asking for money.
Not a loan.
Just....Money. A LOT of money.
I think I handled things pretty well. I was kind, I think -- although I told him I couldn't make that decision (my mother is still lucid enough, I think, but we'll see). He said he would talk to her. I'll monitor the bank accounts to see how much, if anything, is given to him.
And, last, I will add my brother to the list of people who will now go straight to voice mail.
Oh--the DMV letter wasn't a revokation of her license, it was a notice that her license is due to expire on her birthday this year (August), and she'll need to come in for a written and vision test. So I'm holding onto it for the next several weeks until the other info arrives.
But some uplifting words from my cousin in Canada earlier today - her lovely husband had the exact same type at the exact same stage 18 years ago, opted for prostatectomy, never looked back and is here to tell the tale; so that's a nice story to be able to pass on. Mind you, mostly he's here to tell the tale of a rogue arrhythmia his cardiologist is having trouble running to ground - but that's another matter. As Walt Whitman said, "what we call progress is merely the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance."
I did allow myself one short and to-the-point protest about how bloody rude ex was being. I understand why, but he can find another outlet for all the tension, thanks. I'm not volunteering to be the stress ball. He hasn't done it again.
Margeaux, thanks for your kind thoughts. I know our set-up looks a bit odd from the outside; I've never been great at falling out with people and generally do stay on good terms with exes (once I've got out from under them, so to speak). Mainly because I've been lucky enough never to run into some of the low-lifes, bullies, misogynists and general rat-bags that can happen to anyone, and I count my blessings. I do occasionally think I should clear out some of the clutter (?!), and for example not be remembering the birthday of someone I went out with when I was 14… But, hey, auld lang syne. As long as they're harmless, of course.
And the one who wasn't harmless, who would have led me like so many other people up the garden path thinking "oh, sigh, people can change…" (like h*ll they do)… well, he's dead these ten years. I miss him every day. But I am grateful to have been taught that when someone seems unable to ditch someone who is toxic, it's because it just isn't that simple.
The driving process sounds GOOD, though. This way it's the system, it's not you, taking her car away. Sit tight and let it all happen.
I am not doing too well today. Work is stressful, then I come home to more stress. FIL had a bad afternoon/evening yesterday. He was going off about having to go clock out or he wouldn't get paid for his work. Finally I said that the girls in the office would take care of things, and he would not have to worry about it. That seemed to settle him. But I don't always know what to say. And he doesn't just forget about things in ten minutes, he gets all wound up and starts yelling. Added to that he is out of some drug he was taking for the past three decades, for nightmares'. So there is screaming every night. I can't figure out how to get him this prescription, maybe when he goes to the doctor on Friday. But it came from Workman's Comp or something. I am feeling so stressed I just want to burst into tears all day long. Yes, I need a break. Or help. But can't figure out how to get any. VA is impossible. And I work all day so can't call. Charles should be calling, but he is having to work in the mornings before going in too, so he is little help. I am taking it too personally, of course. I need to just step away.
Today I took MIL to the doctor. She complains. Constantly. As if she is not 85 years old, she thinks things should work as they did when she was 20. Her vision is deteriorating. But somehow she now believes that with the new eyeglass prescription she will be able to see again. I am trying so hard to be sympathetic but sometimes I just want to say, darn it, you are old, what do you expect? And I have been patient, patient, patient. They have a pile of bills that need to be paid, too, but I can't get their checking accounts online, because I don't think they have ATM/Debit cards, so it is difficult. As in nothing is simple or straightforward.
Wanting to scream, or cry, or both.
Thanks for listening, I know I will figure this out at some point.
Christine
No excuse for bad behaviour. So he's bloody minded and"says' he doesn't need your help 'thank you very much" Well less trouble for you and he'd only critisize your driving "Bloody h*ll didn't you see that car" "For goodness sake I've told you a million times that is the high beam switch" "Keep on your side of the road this is not a bloody police car" "and don't forget there is a 30 comming up"...........in four miles!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well keep making the curries especially if you and Mum like them too. Otherwise it's day old toad in the hole for him. doubt they will want to put him under the knife till they track down the arrythmia. (I've got one of those too). Keep smiling and look forward to that lunch - at least you don't have to cook it.