The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Christine no advice for you today just hugs and sympathy and the same for you Glad, at least the chickens are finally comming home to roost.

Thanks, Countrymouse, I appreciate the support, and your perspective on things. While I was in the grocery store this morning, my phone rang. It was my brother, and I let it ring, then tried to answer but it went to voice mail -- which I was glad for. I felt like I 'weakened' by trying to answer it. Anyway, he said "Disregard the earlier call, sorry...I was just panicking, I think I'll be all right."
How did I react to that? I got enraged. All I could think of was how he has NEVER just called or emailed to say "How are YOU?" And this time, he didn't ONCE ask me how I was doing ("oh, you know, husband's income has been in the toilet for the past year, and I've been busy MANAGING THINGS FOR OUR MOTHER, but other than that...") -- he just needed money.
And I was thinking that instead of giving my mother's car to charity, maybe I would just transfer it to him, and he could sell it or whatever would help him. But I don't want him to think for ONE minute that there's more where that came from (not until it's all said and done, and per the will whatever's left will be split). I don't want to open that can of worms. I really am so angry that I want no more contact.

Heh heh heh Veronica I know this is evil but if I ever get backchat about my driving I just sweetly ask him what his insurance premium was this year? He worked in the Lloyd's insurance market for forty years and knows that those actuaries never lie. Flutter eyelashes...

CM you are a witch!

:( Looloo, people who are that self-centred… I wish I could think of something encouraging to say, but I can't. You just have to take a leaf out of his book, on this particular occasion, and concentrate on what matters to you. After all, that is exactly what he's doing, isn't it?

I can't abide bullies; they're one thing. Your brother doesn't sound like a bully, but he does sound like a people-user - someone who's only interested in you when he wants something from you, and is utterly unreciprocating. Them I put on the back burner until I've got absolutely nothing else to worry about - which may be some time hence...

CM & Looloo - it's called a transactional relationship. There are people out there who only put energy into a relationship when it benefits them.

sounds familiar sandwich - I will remember that term. Fits mother.

Came home to a mini crisis among the lads in the basement - like I need more drama in my life. Spent this morning discussing his future with the lad (J) who I have known for 5 years now. He seems to think of me as family. While we were away the other lad (C) did some serious drinking and probably more and J tossed him out on his ear. J was on safe ground, as he knows I will not abide that in the house. Their business partnership is kaput, C needs to remove some stuff from our property, but he is out of the house thankfully. I saw it coming a while ago. Now J is rethinking his future and I encouraged him to get work here at the plants, and pay of his debts, then think again about going into business for himself, once he is solvent. He looks to G and I as surrogate parents, though he has a perfectly good set back in Ontario. Or maybe not or he would be on the phone to them. He mowed the lawns when we were away - nice touch.

I sorted through some old photos and will put them away now for a more detailed sort later.

What has this to do with caregiving? Well, today was the day I am supposed to talk with the SW about mother's end of life wishes and her expense account with them, and so on. I find as I get older I can't switch from one task to another as quickly, and need to let my brain settle in between. Someone came this morning and hauled away the trailer with the basement stuff stored in it - don't know if it was the good guy or the bad guy, so I am wondering where my stuff went and will I get it back. The bad guy had some of his things in it, so hopefully he has taken them and the trailer which belongs to the good guy will be back soon. If not I have probably not lost much except my tax returns for the last 7 years, and the company who have been doing my taxes has copies.

None of this is as bad as what many of you are gong through but it is rattling my senior brain.

Think everyone who has come with a problem has had excellent feedback.

glad - the chickens ARE coming home to roost. "eliminating these dysfunctional family members from your life" YES!!!!! Never was any possibility of a collaborative relationship - as with my sis. They are not able - just transactional relationships.

cm - lots on your mind too - ex may need caregiving????? Enjoy your lunch with your sis. Mum is having groundhog days.

loo - asked for money - I don't think so!!! And be as lengthy as you like in your posts.

veronica - good insight about cm and her ex

Sharyn - you have taken the high road with your sis - good for you. Hope your niece does as well as possible with all these procedures. Sorry that you see your mum declining. As far a work is concerned, do your job well - I am sure you do - and cover your butt. Hope you are able to avoid "that" person.

chris - sorry about your impossible day. That sounds pretty heavy. I hope you can get fil back on that drug. Also hope your hubby can help with the va. Your inlaws will only decline, so having options is good. Big ((((((hugs)))))) and take some disconnect time for you. Maybe a cry or a scream would be good.

hi to everyone else - marg, austin, cmag, sorry if I forgot anyone

Going to have a hot bath and compose myself to call the sw.

Glad~What you are going through with your sisters is such a shame. Sibs and their greed for money. I was thinking about you yesterday when I heard on the radio about Casey Kasem (he has Alz), the bitter battle over control between sibs and his wife.It is just so sad when these issues come into play and rip the family apart. I know that there were problems before as well. Big hugs to you!!
Looloo~I hope your brother was not able to get money from your mother thinking you would be none the wiser. Yes, getting toxic people out of our lives becomes necessary for our mental health. Glad you didn't answer that call, not worth it. Keep your eyes and ears open to what is going on with your mother and her money.
CM~I don't know if I could continue to have a relationship with an ex on good terms like you. Kudos to you for being able. I take things to personal (a problem for me to work on), I do get over it eventually...oh the hazard of being raised dysfunctional...I am way too sensitive to words. You seem to be very well aware. Again Kudos to you...you are a strong person. Hugs!!

Christine~I know you are having some bad days. I hope you can get the prescription filled...that is frustrating enough.

The problem at work is because the b/d manager and "A" think I should know to do this stuff. However, every store is different in how they do things or what they expect. For example, I found out yesterday the b/d manager wants me to slice all the baguettes in the evening, repackage them and put them out on the floor. In almost 6 years with this company, after working at 4 different stores...this is the first store that does this.

Those of you who are more familiar with me know that when I am being berated I go into survival mode due to PTSD from my childhood. "A" is being very difficult because I know she and the b/d manager have talked. Both are being very sarcastic when I ask a question. Anyway on Monday "A" told me that a customer wanted a carrot cake and we only had them frozen. She pulled one out, put it in the back of the bakery to thaw and the customer would be in at 6 to pick it up. No problem...was that too hard to say for her? My thoughts are that her communication to me was keeping me in the loop...am I wrong, expecting to have my hand held? Well she did overkill...she wrote it on the daily activities sheet (DAS), then on the bakers rack she left another note with the cake.

Yesterday "A" was off, as I was putting a deli load away, I ran across a box of broccoli cashew salad...the dressing for the salad was crushed and leaking. My thoughts are that they would need to get a credit from the supplier. I left a note on the deli counter for "A" about this box. Then in the walk-in I taped another note to the said box!!! I wrote on the DAS about the box. Puttin a note on the box in the walk-in is overkill...but all the stores I have worked at communicate respectively without overkill. I really think I am not a good match for their particular politics I am not a combative person. I am not manager material...I am a worker bee. Yes, all of this is causing situational depression for me. Sorry to unload.It is what it is right now.

On a positive note...many years ago.......Lol!! when I was a young 30's something...I was having leg pain...it would go away upon activity just like what I am experiencing now just worse. Back then, I came across some info about vitamin B complex for this problem. I started taking B complex about 3 weeks ago...and, it is resolving 70% of the pain in my legs!! My lower back is still an issue, but not like it was before I started the B complex..any one have info on this?

Sharyn, until things start ticking along nicely it is much better to say things three times over to those people and worry they'll think you're taking the mickey, than just to say it once and risk it. Maybe A and wotsisname are being a bit "funny" with you, but in terms of things getting communicated and getting done at least it works. They'll cut it out once they've stopped having to pretend this situation wasn't their fault to begin with. Stick to doing things properly and methodically, as you do, and just you wait - they'll be grateful to have you there if they know what's good for them. Hope this phase is over quickly.

Emjo - young people never think their parents know anything. There's a wonderful, wonderful Mark Twain comment on it that I always end up misquoting - I'll see if I can find it. But they do value wisdom and experience: it's lovely for this young man (how young??) that he can seek your advice. And I hope to goodness his former colleague hasn't done a runner with the trailer and your stuff - maybe it'll turn up safe and sound where it's meant to be in the morning.

Ex came back from a regional volunteers' awards ceremony tonight in happier mood. He works very hard organising our local youth rugby club, and all prejudice aside he is incredibly good at getting people to do things without putting their backs up. Typically, he'd nominated three people from his club for awards and they all won in their categories. And did anyone nominate him? Nope. But that's not what he does it for. It's one of the things I really do love about him.

He's joined a men's forum - wonder where he got that idea?! - and of course there's a mixed picture there, but I think he's got the sense to weed out the hopeless sad cases and listen to the fellows who can give him helpful advice. He had vasculitis some years ago, now not a problem but apparently it will mean he'll have to inject himself for a couple of weeks post-op to prevent clots. Again I volunteer to get some training in this; again he says thanks but no thanks. Oooookaaaaay. I'm sure he knows what he's doing.

Transactional relationship, eh, Sandwich? Thank you, that sounds much better than "selfish b*st*rd" next time I need to explain why I don't want to see certain people. I remember, around when "The Selfish Gene" came out, my ex-husband showed me a computer programme that explored co-operation and exploitation among virtual bacteria, I think they were. Anyway. You run this programme many times, and every time eventually the co-operative organisms learn which members of the group don't give back, and shun them, and then the exploiters die. Serve 'em right. I wish I was as quick on the uptake as a bacterium, sometimes...

CM, thanks for the giggle, about the bacteria. If life were only as simple as it is on the bacterial level, haha.
Another crazy day. I took the day off as a mental health day and to shuttle MIL to the eye doctor, but my mental health is not any better...wah.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

Countrymouse,

I guess we have our own brand of frustrations with our sisters. Your last post about suggesting having lunch, and she not wanting to do any of it....this is the similar behavior my sister has pulled on me. Many times when she's rounded me up to do a relief caregiving day to cover for her, for she can have some time off, I go w/all the good intentions to make it run smoothly for her, because I do value the input she has over there with mom, on a full time basis, and all of that.
But as time has passed.....I've realized, "Wow! How naive are you," (me).
She then reverts to Ms. Power controller, doing/saying things to me that indicate she thinks she's got me in her clutches. The last time I was there, it wasn't a scheduled relief cg, only a visit. The paid CG was there, and my sister still managed to get me to cover half an hour for the CG, so she could leave work early that day because she was going to her grand daughter's birthday dinner.
I did it, really more for the CG, she's real nice/harding worker. But I too left.....and felt irritated, at first couldn't pinpoint why. I think that in my case, it's just that when we feel we do put our good intentions out there for these scenarios, because we know they're previous behaviors w/us, of exploitation, lack of acknowledgment, appreciation, the list goes on, maybe this is the reason.
I pondered this the next two days, so I know what you're feeling.
I think also, maybe these type of characters in our family just like to pull the stops constantly, because this way they always feel in control.

Anyway, I'm so happy, that you feel this could be close to an apology.
Have fun at the carver's lunch.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Countrymouse,

Sorry for those horrendous grammatical errors.
Margeaux

Glad,

I'm a bit confused. Based on many of the things you've posted about your two sisters, why would you expect any apology from them?

Much Love & Light, Margeaux

Sharyn - Is it pain throughout both legs or just one and is it pain or cramps? Do you drink tea?

It is both legs..due to lower back issues. I don't think it is anything serious like clogged arteries in my legs as it goes away with activity in stead of getting worse. I have pinches nerves in my lower back that triggers sciatica pain down m legs.

CM~thank you. I have thought about having a serious conversation with the b/d manager but I do agree with Veronica about not exposing my weaknesses/

CM the big brave ex can manage those injections on his own. It is a very tiny needle and the stuff hurts and leaves a bruise on his belly. Stop volunteering for things. You can be sympathetic but let him ask if he wants help. He's got a tongue in his head.
He's a big boy you are not his mother. He will need a ride home from the hospital but don't be surprised if he arranges for someone else to do it. Just have a nice clean bed ready with a waterproof cover on the matress. This is all the advice I have never taken myself and you don't get any respect being a doormat. You have to get old to see the error of your ways or listen to your children. Todays young are independent and much more self assured and far less likely to take crap from anybody. Professionally detached. Don't offer to do specific things just make a general offer by asking if there is anything he needs help with. If in doubt go and have a chat with Alice she has a good perspective on life. Let the mouse have a mighty roar.

Thank you everybody for your support. I am hoping we are near closure but have thought that before. I sent an email to conservator a week ago, and basically really let her have it. She has not been doing her job. My sisters that agreed to no disparaging remarks in mediation have done nothing but. Other than telling everybody that I am doing a wonderful job with mom. Go figure! Their greediness is the only reason we are having these issues. If they were the ones providing the care I would certainly want them to be paid. This goes back to arguments when we were kids. The three girls arguments always came down to two against one. The strangest thing about that it was either me the oldest and youngest ganging up on middle, or middle and youngest ganging up on oldest.it was never oldest and middle ganging up on youngest. The middle is the most narcissistic of the two. We have had smooth patches, but usually there is some sort of imagined drama that sister focuses on. She gets angry when not invited to parties that are not planned or held only because she thinks that everything/anything is a reason for a party.

I did something for just me today...LOL! I fried up some yummy chicken livers. Hubby wont eat them but oh do I like them.

You are welcome, glad - you have conducted yourself so well through out this.

good for you Sharyn - we need to treat ourselves

cm - J is 25 now. He had a company when he was 21 doing $100,000s of business, but he grew a little too fast, had some down time with bad weather and things went belly up. He has a few things to learn.

Had a long talk with the SW and we are on the same page now. She prefers phone chats to email and I can see why - more misunderstanding with email. She will inform me of every purchase of routine stuff, like vitamins, toiletries and if not routine run it past me first. I want to know how much she takes out and what change she puts back in, then, I can keep a spread sheet of the money I have sent them for mother. She said that actually it makes it easier for her too, otherwise it builds up to be a bigger job keeping track and sending a report. I asked if the SW could give me any insight into why mother was being kept there before being put on a list to go to a facility. She said her best guess was that the psych doc wanted mother to stabilize after her move from the other unit. I said that mother would not stabilize, but likely would become more and more agitated over time where ever she is, as that is the pattern of the last 6 - 7 years. She suggested an update meeting with the psych the next time I come down which will be around the end of the month - trusting that my dental surgery goes well. I need to go down to get mothers taxes done. I got an update from the hospital and mother is committed till November. Her delusions are slowly growing. Now she says they remove the sex glands from people over 100 to give them dementia. Oh, dear!

I got a call from my drs office - my T3, T4 test results are in and he wants to see me. I need to take my car in for an oil change - long over due. Need to get some estimates for the basement, and so it goes... Good night, all.

Oh good Grief Joan! Its funny she has these thoughts but I cant imagine living with these types of beliefs. So sorry for you dealing with it and your mother believing it.

She has to blame someone!!!

I got my dishwasher running again by pouring half a gallon of vinegar in and let it sit over night. Dissolved the lime/calcium deposits. Today I ran a regular load of dishes however...there is still vinegar in the system...it rusted my aluminum tongs,LOL!

NO Sharyn, not the aluminum tongs?! LOL! I thought aluminum was not supposed to rust. I know our aluminum things if put in the dishwasher will gradually turn black, but it washes right off. I guess it is oxidation?

Tarnish vs oxidize, hmmm.

Sharynmarie,

I'm sorry you are now realizing that you have added responsibilities, closing the bakery and the deli. The way it was done, certainly unfair. I haven't heard you mention your union's role in any of this. I was just wondering about that part.

In any case, if you don't think your union would do anything to this end, maybe you could try to analyze your situation from a different angle. The first thing that comes to mind, is trying to make it copacetic and keeping your job. How is that done, you ask under the circumstances. Call their bluff. Obviously, the manager sounds like a bird brain, willing to discuss, and really if you ask me talk behind another employee's back. This is quite unprofessional and I would wonder what kind of ethics this person has, as a manager. That's a devisive tactic on her part.
"A," sounds loopy. I know you're thinking about all these added notes you've been receiving from her. So if I may politely suggest that if you do the same, just consider the fact you are covering all of YOUR bases, this way it has become for you. The reality is.......you have to do this anyway right now, via added responsibilities, and honestly there has to be lot's of communication apparently.
Anyway, just a thought of how to take the power back for Sharynmarie. It ain't all about "A," and her bad moods, temper tantrums, she's an angry piece of sh**!, etc.
I know this isn't easy, either.......but try to look at the bigger picture.

This too shall pass,
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad,

How are you doing, been wanting to comment, but I have to re-read your posts.
Just off the top of my head though......since you now have the guardian and conservator working on these issues, whether your siblings like it or not, things are becoming more transparent. Interesting.

Will comment more.

Meanwhile,
Hang in there!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux