The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Emjo I can think of a good many persons whose behaviour would be a lot less demented if only they had their sex glands removed. She's 180 out!

Hi Everyone! I'm feeling very overwhelmed while visiting my mother in northwest Indiana. Their unsanitary living conditions are causing me so much stress. It's sad because I can't do anything about it. I don't live here, I'm in San Antonio. They're in need of new plumbing for the bathroom & kitchen. They're in my sister's home, but she is too busy working to care for them properly. My young nephew lives in the home, but he's not very responsible. I don't have much of a say so in matters, even though I'm the oldest sibling. Money is not being used to care for them, even though it's there. Mostly money is spent on non-working nephews that beg their grandma for spending money. I don't mean to rant, seems I'm just venting. I'm just so frustrated to see them suffering. I've asked about getting a medical power of attorney. But nothing has come from that inquiry.
Say a prayer for me! Thanks and have a blessed day, Jacqui.

cm - LOL I can think of a few too

jac - welcome. I am so sorry about the conditions you family members are in. I am a little confused after reading your profile - one mother aged 79 and one called Emily aged 80? You could call APS and ask them to investigate the home your mother is in to see if she is getting proper care. You might approach her again about POA medical and financial. Some are reluctant at first but eventually do sign it. Your local agency on aging and social services may be able to give you some ideas too! Come back and vent any time. I think your concerns are very real.

Finally got a person here to do a quote on the basement. I think we will battle the insurance co. over a few things, but doubt it will be very successful. Apparently the city may pay for the clean up costs. That would be something. I just want to get the work done.

Cold here today and going down to almost freezing tonight. Better bring the begonias in. Have a good one everyone!

jacias~I just want to say that caregiving is very very overwhelming especially if the caregiver has to work. In light of what you have posted...Who has DPOA over finances and medical? Unsanitary living conditions is unacceptable. If you have definite proof, then I suggest you seek the advise of an Elder Law Attorney for possible conservatorship/guardianship over your mother. It is very costly and time involved can be up to 9 months for more. You can also report elder abuse to Adult Protective Services (APS), however, I do suggest that your reasons for do either are for the benefit of your mother and not a control issue with your sister. I only say this because...I have been on this site for 2-1/2 years now, mostly on this thread...All of us have seen where a sib who comes in wanting control of the money thinking they can do better. I am not saying this is you...I hope I have not offended you...Hugs to you as you journey through this.

Jacias~ I have been trying post but my post keeps disappearing. I want to add that from your post...you have every reason to pursue legal action. Hugs!!

Glad~LOL! To your post about my tongs!! I do think it oxidation...it looks like rust. I used Maas metal cleaner on it and it does come off but the sheen is gone. The time involved in cleaning the inside and outside with the Mass is not cost effective to me considering the cost of the tongs.

Margeaux~ I have been having trouble with the site all day...my posts are lost. I will try again.

I appreciate your support. I will continue to leave notes to them...however, I am thinking that the b/d manger and "A" are taking it that I am out to discredit them. That is not my intent...I will do everything I can to make the b/d manager look good to corporate. I am not sure they understand this...The b/d manger is only 27 and "A", her side kick is 31. So they relate to each other due to age.

On Monday, the b/d manager asked me if she made a check list for me to close bakery/deil would help. I told her if you want to that would be nice...but...I was not aware that you wanted me to close bakery. I was told not to worry about the back other than making garlic bread out the the french bread from the day before.

I have no problem closing bakery for them...maybe I am brain dead and not getting what they are saying??? LOl!!

I will continue to do my job to the best of my abilities and since I have not been given a verbal warning or been written up...I am not going to worry too much. I just worry because I do my very best and do not like the lack of .. not..being in the loop...so to speak.

Thank you again, I hope your mother is doing good considering her situation...I understand the progression...not fun.
Hugs to you Margeaux!!

Just so you know, she did not give me a check list.

Glad,

Oh.......wow! Now I think I understand a bit better. So the conservator sounds like they are no good! Here I thought they were doing their job. This is quite complicated to say the least.

Is there someone overseeing this conservator's performance?
O.K., well at least you have the guardian as your advocate. I'm sure lot's of things are going to be thrust into the limelight very soon.

You're in my thoughts Glad.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

How does this all work? When someone has POA, say of a parent.....does the POA know what would be left in a will? I've heard about wills being read after someone dies. So does this mean that none of the heirs know what will be left for them?
Some of these issues have surfaced recently for me regarding my mom's will.
I'm not a POA, nor a MPOA, so pretty much I'm out of the loop, and have little real knowledge what would be left to each of the siblings. Of course some of this also came up, via recent posts that others are currently having.

Margeaux

Margeaux~It depends of what your mother has set forth. I told my mother that my sister planed on without holding inheritance to our brother who has no interest in our family...so mom changed things so that it was clear cut as to who received what. I did not do this because I wanted to cause issues....but I know what my mother wants in regards to what funds are left. So sis could have not control over it. Sis planned to give our brother his share....but in her own due time. Not appropriate to me. He may not have anything to do with us..but it is mom's will...not ours,

marg - as POA financial and medical I have no idea if mother's will is what she set it as a few years ago. She could have changed it without my knowledge. That is not part of the role of the POA. Once she dies, the role of POA is over, and then the executor has access to the will and the responsibility of carrying out the persons wishes. I am the executor so I will know then. If the person who made the will chooses to let the heirs know, they can and often do, I think - like the estate being split evenly between the sibs. But no one other than the lawyer who drew it up and the person themselves may know. I think no one else has the right to know.

Sharyn - sounds like it is getting worked out. The manager is quite young. Maybe she is a little intimidated by you due to your experience. A list would have been nice then it is clear to every one! Glad your daughter is getting her babysitting arrangements sorted out - always a big concern.

The "bad" guy (C) came this afternoon and dumped all of our stuff in the back and some in the front. My house looks like a second hand store spilling out. I was told by J that C had been in the bar last night so I didn't go out and speak with him. This is crazyville and I don't want much more of it.

The reno company representative came and will send us an estimate, so that is started at least. Next week dental surgery - bone grafting. Not looking forward to it, but will be glad to get it done. So much fun these days!!!!! NOT!

Sharyn - we cross posted. I am so glad your mum made things clear. I think the executor can exercise a little leeway. When my aunt died her will only stated something to my daughter and not to the other children, or to my sister's. My cousin was the executor and I questioned that. Right away she sent an equal amount to all the grand nieces and nephews. I believe, as did my cousin, that my aunt's intention was that her grandnieces and nephews should have something from her quite healthy estate. My aunt had no children. But she made up her will when only my daughter had come into existence. Shows the importance of keeping a will up to date, or of including phrases to cover such things.

Good note yesterday re my phone call with the SW. As soon as she had delivered the 4 large tote bags of clothing and toiletries that I left for mother, mother came up with another lengthy list. SW told her firmly that I had just brought all these things, the rest was in storage, so mother would have to do with what she had. She said mother settled down when she heard things were in storage. The SW seems to realize that no matter how much I bring for mother, she will always want more. I told the SW that it is not the things that she wants so much, as having people running around for her.
Mother claims the clothing I brought was not hers. Some of it was and some of it was new. They just hung it in her closet and we will see if she uses it. Whatever. If she ends up not using the new stuff I will take it back and can use some of it and give away the rest

Emjo,

I so happy for you that you are able to find away to coordinate the accounting concerning your mom's money. I'm very bad with numbers, and this kind of thing.
But it sounds as if you have it under control.

I'll bet you are more than glad that the moving is behind you. How did you do all of that? My hat goes off to you Emjo! You're absolutely amaaaaazing, then you're a bride to be!

So she's started the sex gland talk again, huh?
Oh boy! Oy vey!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I realize how unique each situation is in regards to inheritance.
In my case, since mother NEVER discussed anything at length w/me about their assets, I've never had that kind of leverage, well this was back in the day when mother could think. She would just say over the years in a very general way things such as, "Everything I have, w/be divided between the four of you." But details haven't been shared with me. Only w/golden boy brother, and now my sister who has POA, now. But in the meanwhile, when golden boy was POA, he totally mismanaged her rental properties, and we have reason to believe he stuck his hands many times in mother's accounts. Mom owns some rentals. My sister told me that when she took over as POA, she discovered that in a 4 unit apt. bldg., 2 of the apts., had no tenants for about 7 mos., prior. So he caused lots of loss of income there for sure.
This is the part about a POA that I guess I'm not up at all on the rules.
Does a POA, such as your sister have the right to decide to withhold money from your brother? I'm asking these questions, because on occassion, my sister has made mention of liquidating some of mom's properties. This I know she feels she should do, to assist golden boy in the event he loses his job. I mean, o.k., sis is POA, but I'm not aware that she would have the legal power to decide to liquidate, no less while mother is still alive.
Anyway, thank you for your input. Really appreciate it.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

Thanks a lot! Yes, this is what I imagined. But I'm going to the library, or start looking up some of the issues on the internet. It's just so confusing to me.
I'm sure it's confusing to many, exactly why the attorneys have us many times at their mercy.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux and Joan. I had a post but have been losing them today; In short, I appreciate your support regarding work and I do think I am on the back side of the choas.

Margeaux~it does depend on how your mother set up her assets and the designations. My sister has authority to liquidate everything...but because she ...so far...trusst me and my input...I am kept in the loop. We both have mom's best interest at stake, and because I can communicate with our mother to get compliance (in a moral and legal way) all is set up so that when mom passes away, the financial planner will send the checks to us accordingly...if anything is left...which I doubt much will be there as it is for mom's care regardless of how she treated us and the all the abuse growing up.

Hugs to you and your family,
Sharyn

Margeaux, the conservator retained an attorney that will be, hopefully, getting her back on track. There are a few different theories why C retained attorney. And it probably is a combination of things. My attorney told me that C's attorney is a no nonsense and good attorney. One of the first tasks is to meet with siblings and their IC attorney to explain the implications of all of this to my sister(s). Not sure how much one was involved in all of this crap but attorney will find out.

If C is hiring guidance in an attorney, I sure hope my mom is not paying for it. But you better believe that I will push for that. And along those lines sibs owe mom plenty for taking this to extremes to protect inheritance. How could they even think that this would be justifiable expenses my mom should pay?!

I totally agree Glad. Please ask your lawyer if thee's a way for them to Not be covered by your mom's expenses when both the Conservator and guardian had already deemed that your mom is being taken care of. So, this 2nd round of going to court should NOT be covered by your mom's money. There has to be a way to put a stop to all this. Otherwise, your sisters are going to finish up your mom's money, blame you, and then abandon her to you completely - now that your mom no longer has money (inheritance.)

Sharyn, {{hugs}}

CM, you have a bigger heart to be able to do what you are doing for your ex. Kudos to you. But please know when to step back and when to step in. Juggling ex and your mom and yourself.... there's only 24 hours in a day. =)

Margeaux, getting familiar with the rights/responsibilities of being POA is a process. Just get your feet wet, and take it day by day. I still don't feel 100% confident about what I know and don't know, but I'm learning all the time. The people at the bank helped me, just by telling me straight out that, as POA, I'm able to make certain decisions. And based on their advice, and my intention/responsibility to safeguard my mother's finances as much as possible, I did make some decisions re-where to move funds, etc. I've also found a financial advisor, and she's been a great help. My mother's trust attorney happens to very unhelpful, so I've stopped contacting him for most things.

Looloo,

That's thee problem......HAAH!!!!, should I say?????
I am not the POA. My questions about all and any of this come from the angle
that as I posted to Sharynmarie my sister holds that spot, then our youngest brother. They were both named POA's for mom's assets, after golden boy held that spot for about 8 yrs., after dad passed away. But it got revoked by our aunt, now deceased 2 yrs., who was in charge, since her assets were intermingled w/mothers assets, to add to the mix. Golden Boy also held MPOA. Something similar to what someone here posted very recently happened, in that my brother was ignoring mom's and our aunt's care at a time when it became critical, and they were deemed by doctor's they could no longer live independently. He was too irresponsible, incompetent. Instead of hiring caregivers, so mom and aunt could remain in mother's home, he took them 60 miles away to his home. He had/has tons of dysfunction in his home. So our mom and aunt spent the next 5 mos., living neglected by my brother, his wife, and their 4 grown kids. When my sister visited them, she called to alert me as to how these two elderly women looked unbathed. Finally our aunt..... (more mentally functioning one at that time) complained to my sister that they were only being fed junk food. Our aunt and golden boy had it out. So that's how his POA got yanked. POA got re-assigned to my sister, and has since been a micro manager of just about everything concerning mother. But nevertheless, I'm really out of the loop. I am still interested to know how it works, since at times I wonder about my sister's need to control everything. Bottom line......there's no trust going on between the siblings.
My parents employed lots of favoritism, so I know this comes into play now.

Thank you for the explanation. It really helps me understand, more than I do now.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Yikes, Margeaux! Sorry I didn't understand the story. It sounds like you're actually the lucky one in some ways. You have the worries though, of course, which is not easy. Hugs...

Looloo,

No problem. This is how we all learn. Besides the legal issues are really so convoluted and specialized, just like the medical profession!
There's been much interesting conversation going on lately on our thread.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

;Margeaux~What I meant to say was that my sister at one time did have the authority to distribute the inheritance to us, but mom changed it after I told her what sis said in regards to our brother's share. This was back long before there were any signs of dementia.

My sister had authority to liquidate only my mother's house (mom has no other properties, which we did and the funds were added to my mother's accounts with the financial planner. Sis can use that money for mom's care when the LTC policy runs out in 3 more years.

Upon my mother's passing, my sister will no longer have access to the money with the financial planner. In mom's savings account at the local bank, is $10,000 set up for her funeral expenses that sis has access to as her name is on the checking and savings account.

I know all this because my mother explained it to both of us after she set it all up probably in 2005. She gave us both a copy of the DPOA after her last update with the attorney back in 2008.In 2009 was when mom started declining mentally and it became clear to us by Dec of 2009 that she had dementia. Official diagnosis was in Jan. 2010 and incapacity was in April of 2013.

Joan~LOL!! I am glad the SW is understanding that enough is never enough for your mother. My mom was the same way until the dementia took over.

Book~{{{{Hugs back}}}}!! Glad you enjoyed yourself at the dinner.

Happy weekend to everyone!

Marg - I don't have the accounting set up properly yet, but have the info I need now. I can do this kind of stuff, but don't like doing it - it's a pain! Excel spread sheets!!! I need to sit down for a few hours and get it set up, then it will be easier to keep up. Re your sis and bro and him needing money, the POA -whatever they do with the money, which can include liquidating assets, must be doing it for the care and benefit of the person involved - in this case your mum. Her assets are for herself only, not for anyone else. Your sis should not be doing anything to help your bro with your mother's money. That is financial abuse of the elderly and abuse of her position as POA. No trust between sibs seems to be pretty common with the posters here anyway.

How did I do it. I packed like a mad w****. Went into the mall a few times to get boxes, collected newspapers from the hotel, got cardboard boxes from the recycle bin in the basement of mother's ALF. Then sorted papers, some for me some for her, some for trash, then started with her clothing, then bathrooms, knick knacks and finally the kitchen. Gary moved the big stuff and then packed up the frig to take the food to the friend where he stays, as it would not survive a trip back here. Now I have to start on the computer room here to get some of the basement stuff into it - e.g. bookcases. Some things can stay on the back deck in boxes as everything there is covered by a tarp. My friend in BC had a water leak about the same time as our sewer back up and their repairs are all done already. We are still waiting for an estimate. Aaargh!

Sharyn - forgot to mention - Glad Vit B is helping your leg/back pain.

Glad - your sibs must owe your mum a pile of money for the lawyers. Makes me shake my head that they think your mum should pay for their lawyers. I can see that the conservator may need legal advice to sort the mess out and I suspect she may charge it to your mum. Good thing your mum has you to advocate for her.

book - I agree re cm.

cm - look after you. If he wants to deal with things himself, so much the better. I know you want to help as you care. It is hard to see someone we care for going through hard times.

loo - good advice - it takes a while, and I am still learning too. My financial advisor is also mother's and he has been a great support and I know I can turn to him.

Got to get at stuff. Next week after the bone graft I will have to be quiet a few days, I believe.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you!

Dysfunction is unbelievable. One brother is troubled and in denial so he can't do much. Another is pushy and controlling and he controls all the medical information, meaning he doesn't tell me things, doesn't answer my emails, and gets sarcastic with me. He tries to push me around and I feel kind of afraid of him. But he does get stuff done. I will give him that. My dysfunction is that I cannot do too much to help my mom, who suffers from advanced congestive heart failure and possibly early dementia (differing opinions on this one .. in any case, it is mild at this point). My dysfunction is due to the fact that I am quite ill. My husband, the son-in-law, I encourage to help her and always have for many, many years. She is now 87. We have been a main financial source of support for her, gotten her on various programs, etc ... all this before she got ill. We have been supporting quietly for 20+ years. In all fairness, she has done a lot to help us, including helping to raise my two daughters. My one brother (the pushy one that gets her to doctors and gets things done better than anyone can) believes that I try to stop my husband from helping my Mom. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I ofen feel guilty asking him to go over there and we both have been there in more than one emergency. I was good for doing quite a bit the first 5 years, but the last two years, illness has taken me over. My brother, the "dooer" says I am a phoney and making it up. I have tried with him, apologized to him for whatever I did that I know not about, and gotten nowhere. My husband does things, but then he takes it out on me. He plays Mr. Nice guy in front of them, but I know an entirely different man. Of course no one believes me. I don't tell my brother about the fact that we have contributed a lot of money, shopped for food and continue to since she got ill 7 years ago , at our expense of course, and that I get her her other needs like Depends, toiletries, and various and sundry things as she asks for them. I know he buys her things too but no where near what we have done. It all feels unfair and today I feel especially angry about it all.
I see changes in her (early dementia I think) because I talk with her daily; they do not see it and/or are ignoring it.
My mother will not have public services come in and help her with food preparation and other things which she is starting to really need as it is getting increasingly difficult to function. We hire someone privately once a week to clean. This bill is one we share with my brother. My other brother is totally broke.
I don't want to tell the pushy brother off and say "look we have been doing for 20+ years .... long before you stepped into the picture. He will do things like call me and tell me to get over to My mom's house and clean up the mess. He also asked me to cook. At that time, I was so ill I could not prepare a meal for myself. Of course I was a liar. Recently I cooked for Mom and she doesn't like my food. We ordered meals on wheels and she hates their food. She can no longer cook. She wants food from the restaurant now .. once a day. Im angry.
My husband already buys her bring in Chinese once a week. Don't know if its the dementia, but she used to be a very sweet woman. Now, all she does is complain to me and yell at me and defend my brothers. They can do no wrong.
Sick and tired and angry today ... and what follows, of course, always, is guilt.

When my son married my daughter-in-law I thought it would be a wonderful marriage. She was able to hide any dysfuntional traits. But as a few years went by, it became more evident.
They tried to have a baby, but all the methods and expensive medical tests and techniques didn't work.
A friend from their church knew of a baby available to just the right family..a baby whose biological mother could not in any way care for the infant, as she had been on drugs during her pregnancy, and actually tried to give the baby away....a baby we all thought were be the perfect solution...and this sweet infant was a God send.....BUT.....as time progressed, my daughter-in-law could not handle such a responsibility.She started signs of severe mental illness which we noticed....then the baby, as she grew, started showing signs of severe attention deficieny...her mental health became a real problem...her ability to concentrate...her desire to be the attention.....her lack of maturity...
Now this baby is 13...maturity level very low....mental health severe...she is cutting herself....
My son is being a father and mother..shows outward love for the child...is trying to do what he can...
marymember

I just came to some sort of epiphany moment where I realized so much of what makes me unhappy about caregiving to my father is that I get so much CRITICISM from other family. Or even if it isn't present criticism, its my fear and paranoia that they are being critical and gossipy because thats how they've been in the past. So instead of feeling the least bit appreciated or supported by this family for taking care of an elderly, needy member, I feel like I have to do the actual caregiving in spite of them.

I guess this really isn't an epiphany at all that I'm feeling. Its just a realization that nothing has really changed in that area. I dread family interaction and questioning, like they are somehow trying to hold me accountable for my time here at this house and how I'm living my life. Its one of the reasons I was fine with just leaving the geographical area 15 years ago. "The more things change, the more they stay the same"? Something like that...

Rant, rant. ;-)

This is all emotion coming from composing an email to various family about my dad's newest plan-of-action regarding his catheter/prostate issues. I talked with the new doc who spun my head around a bit a week ago with her change of direction, but this new doc and I spoke on phone at length on Wednesday and I feel like she is the most competent of the bunch - and she was able to communicate to me in way I could understand why the other medical verdicts were given, why my dad isn't a good TURP candidate but should still likely go through the procedure, and it all has lifted the weight and I feel like I know what next steps are to take and why. Yay!!!

And I need to do some reading on this thread and catch up with all of you...

Started a post before, lol, here's what I had saved on that one:

Camaryllis - the "help ain't help if it ain't asked for" quote is a good one. I will stock that away. I'm so glad you are on here and posting. It does help to just feel supported at a time when we really need it. You have had a lot put on you out of the blue, it seems like. You are handling it all really well if you haven't "snapped" yet, haha. Hang in there. (((hugs)))

Glad - boy can I relate, somewhat, to the escalation of dysfunction surrounding trusts, guardians, conservators, sibs (in my case it was cousins), and attorneys. I wasn't on AC yet when I went through some issues when I first came to help grandma and dad in July 2011. Immediately I was accused of some ulterior, money/house grubbing motivation when in fact, I only came as a direct response to my father calling me and asking for my help when I was living in California. I had to go through being looked into by social worker, paying for attorney out of my own pocket to fight to protect my father and grandmother, and in the end, a couple hundred thousand dollars of my grandmother's trust money was spent to do things she would've never wanted, never approved of, were not in her best interest, etc. That is just one of the unfortunate parts. I hope your situation can be resolved sooner rather than later, and that you get some assistance from some no-nonsense civil/social workers. Hey, I can wish it for you, can't I? (((hugs)))



I was somewhere in middle of reading from a few days ago, will go back and see what everyone is up to. Happy Friday, its such nice weather here in Chicago, hope everyone is well.

Emjo, your first paragraph was so wonderful to read, especially this week. My brother who is barely around and has been this way since his teens (we're late 40's now), and also seems to constantly be in financial crisis, called to see if he could get money. I'm pretty new at this whole POA thing, and had been dreading the moment I knew was inevitable, when he would be asking for money. I was incredibly stressed out dealing with him, and then about 24-48 hours later, I had a delayed reaction of absolute RAGE. I did do the ethical and legal thing and said 'no, sorry, I can't, it's not a matter of Dad's will, this is Mom's money, yadda yadda,' but my head felt so clouded and overwhelmed, and I was beating myself up for not being able to help him (which is ridiculous, I know). I reflected later on my deepest intentions, and realized that although of course it's my intention/responsibility to protect my mother's assets, it is my ABSOLUTE refusal to take on the burden of my brother that actually motivated me in that moment. This is one of the unspoken things that is now rearing its ugly head: my brother may not be a textbook case of evil, but he is still a sh-t head, and I will NOT be responsible for him.
I'm at the point now where I the only contact I'll have with him is to give him notice when our mother's status changes. I'll handle all the affairs after that, give him his share of whatever may be left, wish him well, and be done with it.

Margeaux whether or not to tell somebody the contents of the will is entirely the decision of the person making the will, the testator. POA ends on the death of the person who has given it, and has no connection with the estate.

Having said that, a child who is entrusted with POA will very often be the same child who is trusted to act as its parents' executor. And the executor will know what's in the will, because he has to agree to act as executor.

But other than that, no one has a right to know. Often parents may choose to tell, but they don't have to.