The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

glad it helped loo. Absolutely, you are doing the right things. Good for you and don't beat yourself up about it. I am about at the same place with my sis for somewhat different reasons. I will give her notice of significant changes, possibly indirectly through her daughter with whom I am still on speaking terms. That is it. When the time comes she will get her share and, as you say, I will be done with it.

Emmo ~ Mom is now 81, going on 82 this July. I guess because I come visit every six months or so, things always look worse than before. My sister is doing the best she can, but I'm just not happy with the living arrangements. Mom & my brother need help with daily living activities. When I come, I'm giving all I got financially, physically & mentally to make her & my comfortable. I'm 61 next week & this is taking a toll on me. I'm only here for 2 weeks. I'll need to find a way to come back again, sooner than 6 months from now. I found an adult day care for my developmentally disabled brother that's not too far away. We're going to check it out tomorrow. He seemed excited. Mom has been out of hospital for 1 week this Saturday, hasn't bathed, just goes to bathroom, eats, sleeps, moans. She forgets her meds, breathing treatments & doesn't drink enough water. I know she's tired & wants to give up. That's OK. I just feel as if she could live better, if she had more supervision. It's tough seeing her like this. My sister leaves at 630 am, gets home around 7 pm or later. My nephew is in & out. Most times, it's just my mom & brother at home. It scares me to know they are here alone. OK, well venting time is over. Thanks for everyone that understands. I really appreciate your kind words, thoughts & mostly your prayers! Have a blessed day, Jacqui.

Ah, another bad night. Charles took FIL to the doctor today. FIL has been going to the VA for care for the past decade or so, and has not gotten consistent care there. So while he is physically fairly healthy, his mind is just gone. He has been peaceful for the past couple of days, but tonight he is aggressive. Maybe because of the change of going to the doctor? The doctor recommended a NH. (in New Hampshire, haha) I have to figure out how to accomplish this, and how to get the POA thing. Charles is supposed to be taking care of that but is not making much progress. Anyway, I want to hide my head under the blankets, but can't. I just bought some new drapes for the dining room, figure if he can't see that it is daylight maybe he will go to bed earlier. Wah.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

Emjo,

Thanks. This is exactly what I thought, that if a my sister's attempt to liquidate property, it would have to be for my mom's benefit. The way she put this idea to me was more in the flavor of.....something like since she anticipates a portion that our brother would be inheriting-$$, then in other words whatever dollar amount given him say before mom passed would just be deducted as his share later. But you see, this is where IMO, my sister oversteps her boundaries.
She's of the thinking also, since she lives w/mom as a the one who caregives the most of the siblings, she's saving the money that would have gone to placing mother in a nursing home. She also seems to think having made this decision has saved us some money in the long run. However, I think she's jumping the gun a bit. One can never know even having an elder at home, what other costs one could incur. I'm not sure if she's figuring in the paid help, of which she has all week long, while she's at her job. My gut instinct, is I smell cluelessness, and arrogance on her part. My own feelings towards my brother are that he's already taken enormous amounts of money from our mother when he was the POA.
So, I do feel for him that he could lose his job, but not so sorry at times for his dilemma as to how he's going to get out of his debts.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Welcome ag8080 - sounds like you do have a lot of dysfunction in the family. Trouble with sibs is common here. Unless you are very obviously ill, or incapacitated, I find that some people do not believe that you are. I am sorry your husband is not more supportive of you, but it sounds like he is helpful to your mum. Have you kept any kind of a record of the money you have spent? Maybe keep a record for a few months and share it with your bro. It sounds very unfair. Might be an idea to get your mum in for an evaluation to see if she is in early dementia. Could you get a statement from your doctor about what you are and are not capable of? I am not surprised you are angry, all things considered. Try to let the guilt go – you have gone above and beyond for a long time and have nothing to feel guilty about. I have a feeling that all these negative emotions are hurting your health. Do something just for you – every day if you can, even if it is something very small.

Hi marymember and welcome. I saw on your profile that your wife has Alz. I am sorry. I also am sorry about your son’s situation. The baby may have been affected by the drugs her mother took during pregnancy. Has your son taken his daughter to counselling? Cutting is a serious business. Does his wife have any medical/psychiatric help for her mental illness? I know it is not easy as my mother has suffered from a personality disorder all her life and has rejected help. The mother’s (your dil) illness may have affected the baby too in terms of their interactions. Your son has a big load and I can see that it concerns you. I can only emphasize that professional help for all concerned may bring some relief. It sounds like both mother and daughter are quite depressed.

Alison - good insight. The continual put downs do wear on us. Rant away. I am so glad that you are finding that the new doc is making sense and the two of you are on the same page. Re the updates to family, I have found that the dysfunctional family members – my sis in particular, eventually use what you send them against you. The “good guys” in the family say thx for the update or give no feedback at all. I have drastically cut down the updates. If anyone is interested they can ask and I may or may not answer, depending who they are.

Loo – keep up the good work. You are doing so well!!!

Cm – re POA and will - exactly!!!

Jac – it does sound like a far from ideal situation, in fact possibly not safe or at a good enough standard for your mum and bro. Are there no resources for someone to come in and help your mum daily with bathing etc.? It does sound like your sis is doing what she can. I know it takes a toll. I am 76 and have to look out for my stress levels and health in general. The adult day care for you bro sounds like a great idea. Can you talk to your mum’s doctor about getting some aid during the day while your sis is at work? Maybe the local agency on aging or social services would have some ideas. I think that is too long for you mum to be alone with no help. Bless you for looking out for her

Chris – it really is getting out of hand, isn’t it? I think the changes are just the disease – maybe with some triggers, but you can’t anticipate/avoid everything that may be a trigger. Sounds like an NH is in order. The POA is just a document that usually a lawyer draws up. The person has to be competent to sign it. Do you think fil is? You and/or your hub need to get this done asap. One should be done for mil too in anticipation that it will be needed later. There is medical and also financial POA. I believe there are forms on line, but they may have to be notarized. Check your state laws/regulations of post a question about it on this web site as others here may know. Hope things get moving soon. This is very stressful for you. I know.

Marg, I believe that your sis would be seriously overstepping her boundaries – in fact, abusing her role as POA. Boy, that bro is sure being enabled isn’t he? Some dysfunction there!!!

(((((((((hugs))))))))) to everyone –and remember to do something good for you

Groan. Margeaux, what your sister is planning sounds a lot like divvying up the estate before the passing of the person whose estate it is… which is just… revolting. But sadly not as uncommon as you'd like it to be. It's as though people think: well, so-and-so will get this once she's gone, so he might as well have it now, what's the difference? And some otherwise quite nice people seem to fall into that thinking-trap, too. You wish you could get them to see what they're doing; it's SO disrespectful to the parent, quite apart from the legal issues. Sigh.

Christine - if your FIL's mind is truly not in working order, at all, then POA is a lost cause: you'll need to think about applying for guardianship. Others can advise better than I can on that. Honestly, please give yourself more credit. It takes most people years to get the hang of doing the caregiving job well and you have got off to a brilliant start. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't all go perfectly.

Jacqui kudos to you for supporting your sister. Expect resistance on issues where she fears criticism (even if there isn't any coming from you); but you're absolutely right that the living situation sounds too risky. Your sister might feel that change involves admitting defeat, or letting them down in some way; but the way you're rolling up your sleeves and getting in there in practical ways sounds terrific. I wouldn't mind my siblings' 'helpful advice' so much if they actually took part!

Hmmmmm. Lots going on here in DYS thread. I spent last couple hours to read and catch up. Lots of discussion around POA/MPOA and what those responsibilities entail. This is a relevant topic for me, too, as my older bro stated a couple of years ago that he would like to be "dad's guardian." What my father needs at this time is a POA/MPOA. I'm all too happy to let brother - who has always felt himself to be most able/competent of us 3 siblings - to have that role. But the thing is - he hasn't done it! And I keep reminding him, nicely and gently every 6 months or so, that it is something he needs to do ALREADY.

Camaryllis - so much going on in your home and with regards to FIL and MIL's needs. The POA docs aren't hard to do, you could likely do a DIY version by downloading form from internet, completing, and taking to notary. The better way is to find Elder Atty in your area and have them do it since they would know state laws, etc., better. But the DIY version would be something... it may help you get proper access to their checking accounts so you can do the finances. And I completely sympathize and echo that there is nothing about caregiving to elderly that isn't without 10-20 complicated steps. Its very time consuming, it does seem like it takes so long to accomplish the smallest of tasks... when you're first starting out... you're in the toughest place right now. Its all so new and you're figuring it out. Hang in there!

Glad - I echo the part about weird dreams. I've had them a lot in past several years I've been caregiver. I read online its related to stress in some way.

Sandwich - thanks for that term of "transactional relationship," that's a good one. And thanks, Countrymouse, for making me ROFL with your follow up that it does, indeed, sound so much better than "selfish b*st*rd." I concur.

Sharyn - I found your post about taking B vitamins for pain very interesting. I always thought Magnesium was taken for muscle pain. I got that bit of info from a masseuse lady years ago plus if you look at what is in Epsom salt for baths, its magnesium salt. And then you said something else about the sciatica pain you get, and I had a lightbulb moment where I said to myself, "maybe the pain I get is also somehow contributed to by nerve pain, not just muscle pain..." Anyway, just went in kitchen and took some B complex vitamins... ;-) I hope things at work smooth out for you soon.

Jacqui - I agree with emjo, that maybe you should consider calling local elder social workers about conditions your mom is living in. They will likely go in and appraise your mom's living situation. If they feel its unsuitable they can then tell your sis what needs to be done. Also, you said there IS money for caring for your mom? What about getting a hired caregiver to come in 2-3x per week to do mom's bathing and keep her on track with medications? These visits from hired CG can be only a few hours, and not a big expense, just something to help with mom's needs right now. Another thing: how is your mom's mind? Can you trust what she reports to you as gospel fact or is it possible she's getting confused? It sounds to me like she isn't being looked after very well, either, but when you have an 81 yr old who is forgetting her meds, its likely she doesn't remember exactly when she is fed, either... rather than you trying to determine situation, maybe time to call in professionals to have a look.

Emjo - you've been through a lot. Sorry some young dude decided it was fitting payback for your kindnesses to dump furniture and assorted things around your house. That person isn't very nice. I'm glad they aren't in your house anymore. Hope your drama settles down to a tolerable level. I have to pack up and haul out a bunch of random items from basement here, too. I'll use you as my inspiration. You had much more than I do to go through and you got it done. You deserve a medal. (((hugs)))

Hugs all around. Its a gorgeous Saturday here. I had the SHOCK - THE SHOCK - of my life when I got up at 9am or so and found a note on kitchen table that says - "Hi - Went downtown (Loop) to look for some books. I'll call you later. Keep dancing... Love, Dad." He wrote time of 8:30 in corner of the note, so I just missed him, but still... Who IS this person and what have they done with my dad who never gets out of bed? I'm not too worried about him, I've quizzed him many times about "what is my phone number" and I have him recite it to me, so I know he knows it and knows how to ask kind strangers if he can call me using their cell phones. But this is the first time in 3 years he's shown this kind of self-motivated action... I really don't quite know what to think. But at the end of it all, as long as he makes it home safely, its a great activity for him to flex his independence and mind, of course.

Well, my father made it home ok. But he said he tried to call me and no one answered. I asked him, are you sure you called me? He said yes. But there is no record of a call on my cell phone. So... he likely got the number wrong. Its a small problem since its not often he is out of house or away from me, but makes me realize I can't count on him remembering the number.

Alison - glad your dad made it safely home. Maybe he will be more active now.

As long as I can get my stuff moved from the front, the rest can stay where it is. I thought we could use the trailer for storage till the basement was done, but there seems to be some confusion as to whom it belongs.

Busy day! After sleeping in, I made soups and chili, washed the kitchen floor, cleaned out the frig veg bins, folded laundry, disinfected the waterpik, and am burning mother's old bank statements etc. and sorting out one of her annuities. They want to know if she is still alive!

I have had another call from a church lady acquaintance of mother’s who said mother asked her to call me to get a list of the clothing I brought, as she didn’t get it. I suppose she thinks someone stole it. The other day, the social worker said that some of it was still being labelled with mother's name. I can see that, predictably, mother is finding more things to be agitated about, and the ripples are spreading. This lady also said that mother told her that she was in a closed unit with mentally ill people and she didn’t belong there, as she was not mentally ill. I suspect I will be getting phone calls from various church people now – easier than phone calls from mother.

cm - wouldn't it be nice to have cooperation from sibs instead of antagonism or indifference - sigh

I am sad that the plan of the community psychiatrist hasn't panned out. She wanted mother to get the drug one way or another as she knew it was the only thing that would settle her. Then she could have stayed in her ALF and, as the psych said, "Lived out her life with dignity." I am afraid that is not going to happen. She is, and will be when she is moved, in a closed unit with people who, mostly, are more physically disabled than she is, and are also mentally ill. Her freedom is restricted, and her environment is much less desirable. Unfortunately, as she will not take the antipsychotic, that is her situation. I know if I had moved her where she wanted to be moved, the same thing would have happened, as the dementia will progress. When my sister finds out what has happened, which I suspect she will eventually, you know she will blame me and say if only I had moved mother she would be fine. Oh well, denial is great.

I don't recall situations like this when I was a child. People got older, and then got physically ill and died. The ones that I knew even 20-30 years ago that lived into their 90s retained their minds.

Hard seeing this happen.

Hi, this is a drive by update. My step-mother died two weeks ago and I went to her memorial service yesterday with my dad. I went up the day before so that we could visit. He kept forgetting who I am and would talk to me as if I was his only living brother. He even introduced me to others as his brother. However, he did not have such confusion with others. He is very defensive about his meds in that he will not let his helpers assist him with his pill box or with making sure he's had his meds.

My step-sister is my dad's durable and medical POA. She has arranged help to be at the home during the day, but dad is home alone at night. His wife's death from a 5 year battle with pulmonary fibrosis has hit dad hard.

While he knows on one level that he needs to move into assisted living and has already picked out a place, he says that he is not ready to move. I can understand that for to move now would be one more loss after a very big loss.

My step-sister informed me that she wants me to talk with my dad in a few weeks to help talk him into moving. She's not sure how long this living at home with help will last and she can't spend the night over there. She would rather that my dad listen to me and be wiling to move to assisted living than her forcing him to go as his POA.

While I'm sorry that my step-mother is dead, at least her suffering is over and I am glad that she died before my dad did. So, with her dead and my mother dead, it looks like I will be a bit more involved in my dad's life than I have been.

I'm glad to see this thread continuing to do so well and that more and more people find this thread to be helpful.

Take care. Love, hugs, prayers for all.

Hello!
I'm pulling my hair out :(
We, as in another oddly functional family, just moved my mother 86, to a downstairs apt.
While this was going on I read a docs note stating she has dementia/Alzheimer's type & should not be alone. I live in SC & she's in N.Y.where our extended family has been trying to get her into Assisted Living for years.
I questioned if the relative who took her to the Dr asked her to note that. Up until 2 mos ago mom's sister was still living, I'd visit as often as possible, staying a week at a time in a motel.
Each day, I'd pick her up to shop or visit relatives. She'd be dressed & waiting on time, door locked, etc.
However, even though she's in same apt complex, she's forgotten her phone no.
We were out when her Dr called to say she had a brain tumor!
I extended my stay to take her for 2MRI's & to see a neurosurgeon. He didn't feel this tumor was affecting her memory or her eye problems (she has occasional double vision, blurry vision & watery eyes) I've recently taken her to ophthalmologist who said her eyes were "awesome" & corrected to 20/30.
I considered moving to N.Y.part of the year, judging from how independent she's been till now.
However, that's not an option any more. She refuses to leave N.Y. & her brothers who are 84.
I could see she would need extra help at her new apt, so I called in a nurse to evaluate, a social worker & hired an aide for several hrs a week.
Her money will not last forever & we were told by elder care att. to put in a trust. The trust is only 6 mos old.
Am also getting her local chapter Alzheimer's get involved as well as meals on wheels.
I came home sick, but haven't stopped long enough for my head to stop spinning!
Any advise (or comic relief) is appreciated.

Comic Relief: The charge nurse on my mom's unit at the care center called me yesterday to let me know mom had found a permanent marker and drawn all over her arms. And somehow cut herself with it. Marker. Just like a kid.

Mom had an interesting week aside from the new "tattoos". She decided not to talk to staff anymore. Refused meds and refused to go to meals. Her BP went up to 235/86 at one point, so she got a carriage ride to the ER. She loves riding in the ambulance. Of course she was sweet as a peach there, ate a meal, took her meds, put on a real show. When she got back to her room, she went right back to the silent treatment and refusing everything. Fine.

I told the nurse to ignore childish behavior that isn't dangerous, try to treat the cut, and good luck! That's mom - the pickled peach. Or pickled prune.

The oh so helpful doctor from the ER told me that maybe I ought to just move mom if she's not happy where she is. I was dumbstruck. I should have asked this doc if she knew what the word confabulation means. Or suggested back that maybe she just stick to the medical part of this whole thing. Grump!

Hrm, I learned a new word. "Confabulation" is a good one, sandwich, accurately describes something my father does too, from time to time.

Locascio - I wish I had advice. Let me sleep on it. And I'll bet others will have something for you very soon.

Cmag - sorry about loss of your stepmother. I guess its true to say that none of us make it out of this alive, and I'm glad her suffering has ended. Good luck going forward with getting dad to be open to a move when the time comes very soon. I do realize its so hard on these elderly to be open to such big, unknown changes... they just want to hold tight to whatever it is that they know, even if the move/change will be better situation for them.

Emjo - your words about how if only your mother would take the antipsychotic meds, she could live out her life with some dignity... that made me very sad for your mother and for you. The destruction that PDs cause in relationships and in the person themselves is awful. For all the hell and hassle she's put you - and everyone - through, still, in this place of old age in her life, anyone would want a dignified existence for her. You're good to try to advocate for her but nothing more that you can do. Its unfortunate. Its also reality. Its why detachment is so critical, methinks.

Waxing philosophical because I'm sleepy. :-) G'night all. (((((hugs)))))

I am once again fallen off the grid and just read looloo's comments about her brother. Odd that we with narcissistic parents also have alcoholic/drug addict sibs...well not really - we all cope the way we cope. I have had a heck of a few weeks and trying to catch up with everyone. Funny how things go good for a while then the flood gates explode. I have been so crazy busy with work the last few months and haven't been down to see mom OR my daughter and grandsons. So a catch up - and would love some input. Haven't heard from my brother in 6 months - he hasn't seen my mother in maybe 3 years. She was mad at me and emailed his wife, who she hates (calling in the flying monkeys) and he finally decided to see her. Oh by the way - also wants to borrow $15,000. Told him he had to ask her and I would talk to the lawyer and for them to write out a payment plan for the attorney to see. In the mean time - oldest son (31) decides for sure to get on a cod fishing boat in Alaska - so prep for this. See mom after 5 months - ok for 20 min then she gets mad - wants OUT of there and ends up tossing her lunch I brought her in my lap. Bye bye! See the lawyer (no word from brother dearest) said absolutely NO way - it is a misappropriation of funds and they could sue me later even if they are the beneficiaries - so be careful out there all you trustees.

So last week - lawyer on Tues & find out son leaves wed for Alaska. Send out text to all 4 kids that dad's bday BBQ ( on wed) is on hold and get about 4 frantic texts from daughter - she is going to rush up to say goodbye (3 hrs) and is drunk and crying (???). Thinks it is the deadliest catch. I call her - ends up a fight - calls me worst grandmother ever and I am too busy spending all my moms money. Wow - really? I hang up... Take son to airport, have bday BBQ for hubby with other kids, have to evict son who left girlfriend who he broke up with. And now we have 3 houses to take care of and 4 dogs. Needless to say...called my counselor again. Sorry this is so long....

Ok lots of POA talk and executor responsibilities - all trusts are different - this is what I learned with my parents - if there is no will - it is stickier as if is up to the executor to distribute. Usually a POA can't get paid, but if you are the trustee you usually can. Get an attorney to read your responsibility of be the "chosen one". Which btw is not a blessing! In my case - I will always be my brothers keeper, I can pay myself within reason per as trustee, the trust in our case is to go on and on in the family, perpetual trust. If you do misuse funds you can be sued - and in my case, loaning money etc while my mother is alive. Funds are for her and her care. It is not a fun thing to be us. My parents trust is 50 pages and my durable POA is 12! Good thing tho - the trust can pay for attorney fees. Looloo - get a new attorney. Mine didn't call me back. I have a great CPA and asked her for a recommendation - expensive - but worth it!

Alison,

You've been going through quite a lot with your dad with the prostate issue he is having. I really feel for you. I think I wrote about the fact that my brother had this.
He did have the prostectomy procedure done 2 yrs., ago and up to now I have not heard anything else about it. This was after he'd had two rounds of having a catheter in, too.

Who are these people that you are emailing regarding your dad's condition, if I may so politely ask. If you feel paranoid, or that they will gossip about it......
why give them details. Unless, it's really people who have had the same issue, and you are trying to get some information about the procedure, or are genuinely being supportive of you, IMHO.....it should be none of their business. I realize that current day, many people have no problem talking in great detail about the colonoscopy they've just had, etc., but sometimes I think this is just too much information. Maybe it's time to set some boundaries about this matter.
I remember when my brother was going through this, he thought one of our closer cousins to the family found out. I could tell by his reaction that he felt embarrassed about something of such a personal nature.

Anyway, my point is to protect yourself, try to be very selective of who, you will share this information with.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Countrymouse,

I had to backtrack to your post about the ex, and your concern for his health.
When my husband had an Inguinal Hernia procedure back in Sept., 2013, he was sent home with a catheter. Of course, I was doing everything in my power to help him. It was rather a surprise to him.....he was sent home w/the catheter, so adjusting to it was hard for him, as well as for moi! Then, just keeping him on the couch making sure he was tended to, was difficult for me. He's a whiner, "oh did I say that?" "Yes I did." HAAH! He got quite rude with me, and although I did take it a few times, I finally spoke up, too. Unfortunately, I guess whenever we've had history with someone, they somehow think we do become their stressball.
You have a great attitude about your ex, and it looks like you want to help, but I'm sure have your limits, too.

Yes, my sister thinks she can divvy up mother's assets, before she's gone.
I completely agree that it is very disrespectful. This is one of the main reasons that I was asking about the legal implications. Thanks a bunch for the insight, I really appreciate it.

Walt Whitman was on to something!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Looloo,

Regarding your brother, don't fall for it. We've often heard here on this thread about the sibling who has issues with drugs/alcohol. Many have also posted about a co-dependent son/daughter who can't seem to dis-engage financially speaking from their relatives. This happens unfortunately because families keep enabling them. So, stay strong and don't fall victim to feeling guilty.
Boundaries!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

CMag~I am sorry to hear about your step-mother. It must be very hard on your father dealing with her passing and his own decline.I hope you are able to help him see what he should do for his benefit. Getting back into caregiving for your father is another journey and one you probably would like to avoid given your step-sister has POA. Hugs to you and your family and hope to you hear more from you.

Glad,

It looks like you have several layers of dysfunction going on with the conservator, attorneys and then your sisters. The fact that your sister would instigate the issue of you being paid, then after being told by people in the profession how much caregiving costs, "Oh my!" It sounds a bit schitzophrenic.

You continue to be in my thoughts, Glad, and know that you are doing the best job possible.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan~I hope that my mom's finances are such so that my sister has no say when mom passes, I don't think she does. My concern with my sister is she is too eager to spend my mom's money such as in gifts that my mom would give in small amounts like say $10 or $20 check...sis is wanting to give $50. Should I tell her not to do that because mom would not do that, it makes me very uncomfortable with what she gave my daughter for the babies shower. To be honest, I feel she should not be using the money for gifts at this stage of where our mother is at.

Alison~From what I understand about B complex, is that B1 and B2 help with muscles and nerves so I am thinking that may be why I feel some relief. I have not tried the Magnesium, some concerns from what I have read..saying to consult your dr as there are serious side effects...I am a little afraid to try it. I am thinking of trying glucosamine/condrotin (sp) as my dr did say that it works but not with all people and those who are helped have good results...I could have arthritis going on as well since I have osteoarthritis in my neck, it could be in my lower back as well.

Have a good day!

The last few weeks have been nutty for me. We got rid of a very old sofa couch.
We'd looked in furniture stores, and even on Craig's list for a new one. I had no idea how much work it is to select a new piece of furniture! So here were were going on week 3 w/o a couch.

In the interim....we'd moved our beat up Futon bed from the bed room to the living room, and folded that up into a couch to use. But then, of course since we sleep on that opened it up. This was driving my husband crazy, as well as myself, since the Futon-couch style is very uncomfortable to watch tv on. All of this, plus some indecisiveness about different couches we've seen had been causing tons of stress between my husband and me.

My husband was being impatient and pushy about getting a new couch.
So we took about a week's break from looking at furniture. Yesterday, he says
he wants to go look at furniture. I was dreading it! We stopped by the Salvation Army that we donated our old couch to, to look whether they had it out on their showroom floor, curiosity. Well Salvation Army also has a smaller storefront next to a big one. The small one is a bit higher priced, w/antiques. We thought we'd pop in before going to some other furniture stores. My husband saw a couch. We measured it, measurements were good. The color is neutral. Anyway, he was really liking this couch. At first......I had some doubts. But what I like about it, compared to new ones we saw.......this piece is more classic, and the construction of these pieces IMO, are better than some new couches I've seen up to now.
We bought it! It cost us $325 + $35 delivery. This was great......the new ones we'd seen were all climbing over 1,000.00. I'm so happy that this furniture hunt is somewhat behind us. It's just too much for my brain!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cmagnum,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your stepmother. May her spirit soar very high!

I am also very sorry for your step dad, and how he is taking the death of his wife.
It must be very, very difficult for someone with the kind of health conditions he has to understand all of this, then the transitions he will be making.

Yes, this thread is still alive and it has served many, thanks to you.
I will keep you in my thoughts Cmag, to assist you in any and all the challenges you are facing with your stepdad. I'm sorry that such sad news is what brought you here, however, I do hope that you come here and give us an update, whenever you want to.

Big Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn - you're right about the gifts. I can see what your sister's trying to do: you know how it is, the classic comedy when Grandma hands the hulking teenage boy an old sixpence and tells him to treat himself and expects him to be thrilled… Your sister's trying to make your mother's presents meaningful in today's inflation-infested world. But she's wrong. If she were still handling her own money, your mother would be HORRIFIED at the price of things and would snap her purse shut before you can say "cost of living, dear Mama." And we're supposed to carry on as the incapacitated person would, aren't we? Just don't forget to tell the little ones not to spend it all at once!

I have the problem in reverse, my sister errs on the frugal side and I do have to zip my mouth shut about it. Actually, between you, me and the forum I think she's a total meanie, but I wouldn't say so to her face. Thinks: sometimes there's a reason why rich people stay rich...

On the other hand, my mother's spending was - well, not crazily out of control, but definitely eccentric. So my sister can argue with some reason that she is acting in mother's best interests by licking things into shape.

Margeaux, thank you for your message. Yup, when this all started nearly three years ago now sis says they would pay me $50.00 a day. I don't remember any discussion about an amount, but I would have laughed at that. I did tell her I would care for mom for several months but wait to see where this goes and revisit in a few months. About a year later was when she saw moms attorney for an agreement until she found out this would cost her inheritance money.

CM~I can see how frustrating it is for you as the person caregiving for your mother. The money is for her care...how much your mother has, I don't know and I'm not asking, but it makes you wonder what is in the POA's head when they err on either side.

I can't help but think with my sister, it is more about making herself look good to the family as she has grandiose ideas about herself. By gifting $50 for a shower gift and adding what she can afford, makes it look like it all came from her since my mom will never know or understand and all the thank yous go to my sister. In other words, it puts her in the lime light which she craves. I have no problem with sis giving what she can afford (which is minimal) but it comes directly from her and I see that as being real.

I think I may mention to her that it is not necessary to give gifts to family members at this point from mom. No one excepts it due to her illness.

When I take mom to get a hair cut and color...I pay the tip because sis will only give me enough for the cut $20, plus the $55 for the color and a $5.00 tip...I give 15%, $5.00 for $75 worth of work is rather insulting. I tell her not to worry about the tip.Heehee!!

Hugs to you as you struggle with your sister♥

Margeaux~I can understand how you feel about looking for furniture with your hubs. I dread looking for anything for our home when hubby is paying for it. His attitude is that it is his money so he should have the power and control. I have 4 more months to pay off my car...when that happens, I will have an extra $350 a month from my paycheck to save for what I want in our home. Hardwood flooring for starters, LOL! I give him some choice when I am paying, but hey...according to his family....who ever is paying the most or making the most has the power. Hubby like everything beige, I want splashes of color. Our home is small, the carpet in the livingroom is very dark brown...hubby was taught you never change anything and he applies that to furnishings as well...it makes everything so much darker and smaller where I want to make the space look more open and larger...so we round and round all the time...once hubby even walked out of the store we were in because I would not give in to him. He also wants everything very masculine...that is how his parents house was/is even when his mother was living. I find that for us, it is easier for me to save up my money so I can have some say so as well and it works.

Glad this is behind you now and no more stressing over it. It sounds like what you picked out is a very nice piece. Enjoy it!!
Hugs to you!!

Glad,

You're welcome! In Spanish we'd call someone like your sister a '"sin verguenza,"
which means someone with no shame.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

just read my post - we have to evict our son's girlfriend...not our son! yikes!

Margeaux. How is your SO? Having a seizure is very worrying even if the Drs think the cause was mixing meds. Did they check him out for a stoke? I don't want to frighten you but a seizure at the begining of a stroke is not uncommon. if they did not keep him in the hospital you need to watch him very carefully for signs of a stroke for the next few days and don't hesitate to take him back to the ER. Time is off the essence here. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this is very important