The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharyn, you bring up an interesting point about, what I think is recognition, that POA's want. Maybe it is praise, appreciation, whatever it is, or carrying through on a responsibility that they accepted years ago when the situation with parent was very different. As an example, 15 years ago my mom put the trust together, had POA's drafted, etc. At that time my sis was helping mom with many things, and she lives in town, so at that time it made sense. I understand why, especially in my situation, I should not be DPOA, I am second in line. But the medical POA is also sissies, and she does not feel that since I am the one that cares for mom on a daily basis, that she should have the MDPOD. That line of thinking I don't understand and think the child doing the most caring should have the MDPOA. My mom's POA has a section "Successor Agent" that also lists me second. As Successor if sis is not available, then I become POA. Sis has never taken Mom to the doc that I am aware of, and when Mom is in hospital for a few days she may come to see her once for a few hours. Now I've gone off on a freaking tangent.

POA responsibility is first and foremost to provide funds for care, this responsibility becomes even more important if that person is also successor trustee if there is a trust. They have sole power and control over the finds. But they are to request withdrawals on a monthly basis for care. They also control what gifts are given and to whom. I can see where the POA would experience appreciation from recipients of the gifts. One really screwy thing that happened here along those lines was when I told sis that mom needed new hearing aids. This was almost two years ago now and sissies response when I told her was that mom's current hearing aids should last the rest of her life. They we're about 5 years old at that time and the volume adjustment in them had been maxed out and mom's hearing was progressively getting worse. Sissie instead wanted to take the hearing aid money to distribute gifts to each of three sisters. I really came back on her on that one! Told her mom needs new hearing aids, the house needs maintenance, you are concerned how mom is going to pay for care, and YOU want to distribute gifts?! Well she turned her back on me and stormed out. Good riddance! But the selfishness, to deny mom the things she needs and in the same discussion plan on a gift distribution?! Absolutely appalling! Six months later mom finally got those new hearing aids thanks to a breaking one, which naturally Sissie wanted repaired/replaced. Even called and complained to hearing aid place that mom should not need new hearing aids and she will run out of money, etc....

She has done things that are absolutely unbelievable to say nothing of illegal. If this ever gets to hearing she will not look good at all. There are many incidents just like this, has told numerous people that she has an inheritance coming, so mom should receive free care.

Glad-that is appalling to say the least! If mom needs new hearing aids, she should get them. If sis has qiestions, she should be willing to go the the appointment and talk directly with the technician instead of refusing to cooperate with you. I have seen it so many times on this site where sibs are DPOA but doing the hands on care and they refuse to give money for the care of the parent or give very little. I think it is partly a power trip

Oops...and as you said ..they want the inheritance.

I also am second on my mom's DPOA if sis cant do it. I have always seen to my moms care when she got sick even before the dementia sine I live in town. I continue to do that now. The only time my sis took it over was after mom gave us the copy of the DPOA and sis got on a power trip would not let me do what I had been doing all along plus mom was not having any Alz then. So I backed off. In a short time sis could not handle it, didn't like taking the time off work and had no patience for mom. I went back to doing it. Mom's. Dr works with me even though I don't have MDDPOA. the care facility calls me first as well. If it came to a major emergency... I don't know if the hospital would work with me until sis arrives. Since she very seldom answers her phone..has no cell phone...does that mean that sis is not available and being second..I can step in and make the decisions? That is a question I have in the back of my mind. Well get to get ready for work..have a good day.

Sharyn-
If the POA is setup that sister is not available, then, YES! Finally guardian told me as much, notified sister by e-mail, no response. It will all come back, gotta believe in Karma. My Mom's POA has a section Successor, that states, if first listed is unavailable, then second is POA. Most dys sister is third..

Mom's DPOA is setup the same.

Veronica,

Have you mixed up a post to someone else, this doesn't apply to my husband.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I think most of your B vitamins are necessary for nerves, muscles and many other functions. They help with fatigue, too.

Now what I've read about Magnesium.....is the fact that we do need it, especially when it comes to Calcium. Magnesium works in assisting the Calcium to work in our bodies. It's good for muscle cramping, relaxation of the muscles. One really needs it also in terms of the stomach, since it helps in the action of bowel movements. Anyway it's a very important mineral the body needs for bone health, and muscles. Of course.....;.people with kidney problems can have a problem, but this would be in the case they are going over the daily recommended dose. You can look that up. I found some great information regarding this very issue.
"Do You Need More Magnesium?" 10 Signs to Watch for, on Ancient-minerals.com.

Another factor to consider possibly, are the things that can rob our bodies of any vitamin, whether it be a B, or mineral. This would include: Any and all stimulants, the coffee, teas (not herbal), alcohol, tobacco. Also to this end ......tobacco is an inflammatory alongside with the nightshade plants. In the case of stimulants, including sugar it robs the body......because it dehydrates, thereby depleting our bodies of a much needed nutrient. If one spends most of their time inside, w/little to no sun exposure, isn't good, because then we lack Vit. D, also a very necessary component to bone health.

Anyway, do try to read this article, I found it to be very informative.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux clearly the dementia has more that caught up with me it has over taken me.
You have a husband not a SO.You did not find him in the yard unresponsive having had a seizure.
He did not have a bad reaction to a mixture of pain meds and muscle relaxants following an injury earlier in the week.
So who has parents age 92 and 96 and a dad who needs vast amounts of mulch collected from Home Depot and you are now beyond unloading 20 bags of same.
These parents are considering assisted living "in a few years" dad was also an expert programer but now is so cheap he won't upgrade from dial up.
So someone put me out of my misery and tell me it is not hallucinations and nothing to do with the count of 22 of eosinophils in my oesophagus. normal is 5 I am clearly horribly allergic to some food and it is curdling my brain.
Good bye dear friends if you don't hear from me again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Veronica it wasn't FreqFlyer, was it? I can't find anything about a seizure, but the parents are in their nineties and keen on mulch (and cheap goods, apparently).

Sharyn, I whistled when you mentioned your sister's sleight-of-hand with the "joint" presents. Plain naughty, that is. It's not her money to be generous with, and she needs to get her head round that pronto.

I'm sorry about everyone I haven't caught up with - Emjo, how are things going? - bit it has been a long day and I need to go to bed. Wish you all peace, quiet and co-operative families hem-hem xxx

I have a similar problem as my husband is the major breadwinner throughout our marriage of 40 years this month. Now with mother dearest, handing complete control of her estate over to her golden boy son while I am cast into her needed role of scapegoat, I realize that having money from my mother's estate means freedom from my husband's control. Wouldn't that be nice after 40 years! But I have to let go and surrender to God's will in this. As I look back over all the difficulties with my parents over my lifetime I realize again and again how I was devalued by them. So why now would I think my mother would ever choose to treat me fairly? Of course she would hand huge amounts of money to my brother and my children and nothing to me. That's how you treat a daughter that you don't value, who is a huge disappointment to you because she doesn't measure up to what you think she should be, according to mother. It's only money and money can't buy happiness or peace or any of the things that really matter in life. I have meant several people lately who have been disinherited and they have survived and life goes on. Forgiveness means cancelling a debt. I think she owes me for parenting her as a child, for supporting my disabled sister all my life till her abuse became a severe threat to my mental health. My parents didn't care. They said "forgive and forget" and "sign these papers for the Hansen fund so that you'll be responsible for her financially, we don't hear or see the fact that you have absolutely no relationship with her". I pray to embrace and learn all the lessons God has for me from my mother's negative example. I pray to let the money go and I pray for a peaceful, loving relationship with my husband. I pray that I will love, respect and represent God's love to my two adult children and their families and not repeat the destructive patterns of my parents. These are the final gifts. Blessing to all from Bunny

Let me just add today that margaritas are fantastic. I don't think I've paid that much attention to them in the past.
I had a two-marg lunch on Sunday after a visit with mom at a little family owned restaurant nearby. Their food is so good. And their margaritas are perfect.

Today, I spent the entire day - over 10 hours - at mom's apartment to empty it out. Met the movers, cleaned, left it in move-in ready condition. I made myself a homemade margarita when I got home. I did the move by myself, as my husband was at work and is on call this evening.

I somehow found the strength to push a recliner into the dumpster - by myself. I'm 5 foot 3, so I don't have height on my side.
It was a heavy beast. I was going to have it put in mom's room down in the care center, but it was just too far past "odoriferous", if you know what I mean.

I put four - 4 - large yard bags of new, never used women's incontinence pads, pull ups, and bed pads in the laundry room with a sign. Free for the taking. There is probably $500 in supplies in those bags and mom still didn't feel she had enough. She uses the kind the care center provides for everyone now, so I am officially done shopping for all that, doing her laundry, and grocery shopping for her now.

What a day. The end of the independent living era. I ate lunch in the dining room and it was so yummy. Salisbury steak, carrots, potatoes & gravy, roll, and caramel banana cake. I can't for the life of me understand what my mom never liked about their food. (She was confabulating all along, saying they wouldn't serve her or only give her water with a piece of potato in it.) I suggested once in a fit of cheek that maybe if she were nicer she would get the same food as everyone else.

I got my order to go, so I could be ready for movers any minute, and as I waited, this really nice lady motioned for me to come over. She wanted to invite me to sit at their table. How lovely! These were not the mean old biddy hens mom described. Maybe because I am not a mean old biddy to start with....? ha!

As we waited for the dining room to open for lunch, I sat with a 98 year old lady who was sharp as a tack and had just gotten her first glasses & hearing aids. 98!
And Mr. Wilson who is over 90, is just so cute! He tells the same story over & over, but he is always turned out neatly and clean, and is still as good looking today as he was in his 30s. You can easily see that he was really something in his youth. I love sitting and chatting with him, even if it is the same story every time. Anybody annoyed by this can have my Cluster B & ALZ Mother for the rest of the month!

I was kind of sad to leave. I will visit mom down the way in the care unit, which is technically in the same building, but it's not close by because the building takes up two city blocks.

It gives me hope that not every older person is bitter, mean, miserable, ugly, and awful. There are a lot of really awesome folks out there doing their thing every day. I hope I can be like that. Maybe they are slower. Maybe they need more helps, but you can still see they were fun people once, with lives, interests, hobbies, and relationships. Maybe I will volunteer there sometime, so I can see what these folks have to offer. I will be sad when Mr. Wilson goes.

am continuing to deal with mental health issues for my 13 year old granddaughter. Today she told me she would love to return to the mental hospital where she spent two weeks...dealing with her mentally ill mother is too much...I need to tell my son it is either her daughter or wife...the wife is so rude and unloving to my granddaughter...my son wants to help both..he can't....but he is trying....my granddaughter doesn't want to discuss it with her mother, because he mother will fly off the hook...my son is trying to protect everyone..too much...marymember

I'm going to Teepa Snow tomorrow and looking forward to it!

Thank You Glad for stating that about the unavailability of the POA....I understand it as you post since my mom's DPOA says if the primary is not available under any circumstances, the second is to step in.

CM~Thank you as well...Yes I do believe my sister needs to be told to stop this behavior of grandiose gratitude in mom's name. I will bring it up with her delicately so as not to offend her and hope she gets it in the end.

Sandwich~what I have noticed with the elderly is that there are those who have coping skills and accept what life gives them...so they do not complain or expect family members or friends to go to extreme lengths to make their life comfortable or enjoyable. Then there are those whose coping skills are broken, have always expected family or friends to take care of their emotional needs (instead of them doing it,...like a child).

The woman who does my mother's taxes is in her 90's...sharp as a tack...loving, pleasant, non complaining. She is very independent and wants to stay that way...but she also says...she would rather go in a NH or other facility than have her 70+ daughter change her diaper. Attitude is everything. Hugs to you!!

Margeaux~thank you for the info on magnesium. I will check it out more...so far what I have read, I do not have symptoms of a deficiency. I will add a multi-vitamin to the mix. I am not a big milk drinker but I do eat cheese and beans. I usually have a Greek yogurt and banana for breakfast. I like the Greek yogurt because it is higher in protein and not as sweet.

Tomorrow is my Friday...3 days off...I need to eat now.

Have a good Tuesday and Monday night!!

Just a little a funny...my daughter went for walk Sunday evening around sunset...several neighbors asked her if she was ok or needed help, LOL!! She said apparently a pregnant woman cannot take a walk at sunset in Idaho, hee hee!! I reminded her that she is carrying two and looks further along than she is...bless her neighbors for caring...I had a good laugh about this.

Veronica, I think the seizure in the yard is answry, but was her FIL, who just recently moved in with them. I have not looked back to see if answry has posted to this thread.

Thank you Glad that is very reassuring. I have looked back and now can't find any of it. Must have got as far as the dillusional stage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Veronica, breathe! Now I'm not sure answry is right either. That is who was struggling with placing mom from hospital. Maybe I will figure it out. Then maybe not!

We are in Mercury Retrograde right now for the next three weeks.
Mercury being the planet starts making it's backward motion, and all matters concerning communication gets strange. I think it's definitely affecting some people.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Camaryllis,

I completely agree with Emjo. It really does sound as if an NH would be the best place for your FIL. You still have your MIL, to contend with, which I'm sure is way more than enough.
If your husband is not actively seeing to getting the POA, in place maybe it's time you have a very serious talk with him.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Ahh, Veronica, I think the seizure in the yard was actually Camyaryllis. Maybe.

Thanks, Margeaux.

@Margeaux,
Yep, and communications snarl and computers choose not to work when Mercury is in retrograde... :) A fun couple of weeks to look forward to.

Hope everyone is having a peaceful day,
Christine

Emjo,

I feel your pain regarding the fact about the psychiatrist thinking she'd get your mom on the proper meds. Well....just goes to show us that no matter what the professionals believe, or even our own well intentioned plans for our elders, if there's absolutely no cooperation on their part, even by some divine intervention,
other factors end up coming into play.

I saw mother decline physically speaking, from not walking, and lack of stimulation. Part of this was the fact, that my sister was so busy taking care of both mom's and the battle axes needs, then working f.t.
I'd suggest maybe a daycare center could be an option for mom, during the day.
But mom being so co-dependent on the sister (homebound elder), never wanted to leave the house after her sister became homebound. So just there, there would have never been any cooperation on her part.

I realize.....just having to deal, especially for you being at the helm of decisions to be made concerning your mom's health, well need I say that it's no easy task.
You have a lot of courage, and endurance! Kudos to you.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Great topic and has been on my mind the past 24 hours...how did we get to this point in our family...I work in the senior living industry and one thing I have learned is not to place judgement on a family member for not being as involved as the parent would like. We do not know what dysfunction brought this on. We know the parent as they are today not years of living with them it is easy for us to love those we care for and sometimes those doing the loving have their own painful experiences. Keep it real remember not to judge that is not our job and you cannot 'fix' what you do not understand. My own parent is in a long term facility...difficult to visit difficult to understand even more difficult to face those caring for my parent as they do not understand how I do what I do and what I don't do for my parent. Daily struggle and one I know first hand I am not alone in this struggle. but some things just can't be fixed. For those of you care giving my hat is off to you but please do not judge those of us who cannot be in that role.

Hi all, Happy Tuesday!

Margeaux - your post to me about who I was emailing and such really got me thinking about the role I am playing in keeping dysfunction going in my family. The people I updated are my 2 brothers, and then I also copied a cousin in Dallas who is the only one of my remaining 3 cousins on my dad's side (dad's nephews) that has consistently sent cards, made phone calls, and shown interest in the well being of my grandmother and father. I had been out of touch with this cousin for some time due to illnesses, both mine and dad's, so decided to copy him as well as my 2 bros. Interestingly enough, he replied just as emjo said the "good guys" will: he said thank you for the update and that he hoped for the best. My brothers have said nothing/not responded at all. My older brother, especially, seems never anything BUT critical of me, and there is a history of him physically abusing me even as recent as a couple of years ago. He is arrogant and controlling and while I respect his right to run his own family as he sees fit, when it spills over to me, I get very defensive. And that's where I messed up: instead of just sending a simple update, I put in one paragraph at the end of my "update email" to bros that was me reminding them that I'm doing all of this for free. Carting dad to doctor's, getting him on track medically, constantly cleaning and fixing up this house, etc., etc. I let loose with one short but defensive paragraph basically saying what a saint I am for doing this, so they better shut up with any criticism already.

Well, in hindsight, I wish I didn't do that. It plays into what my family criticizes me about - that I'm such a victim, that I feel sorry for myself. So, anyway, this situation has made me more aware and I think going forward I'm just going to keep my head down, get business handled, and keep it to myself. If they want to know, let them inquire, like emjo said.

You also gave me pause, Margeaux, about the type of medical info I'm sharing. My dad has never seemed embarrassed by his catheter, but thinking about it more I can understand that maybe no one outside my 2 bros needs to know about this info and his upcoming procedures - which will likely be either the TURP or the prostatectomy, according to new doc in charge of his case. Like I said, in hindsight, maybe I shouldn't be so free with dad's medical info... let me bros ask if they want to know. Who I am really serving here is ME by sending out the "look how much is going on and what I'm dealing with" email. I don't want my bros approaching me as they so often do with their attitude of me getting some sort of "free rent" situation by being at my dad's house. It's ludicrous and it makes me see stars when they suggest anything like that. But I need to grow up. Its been 3 years now and I know that sibs will not understand nor appreciate the amount of work I do. Oh, schwell.

And Margeaux, so happy your couch hunt is over and you found something nice. I managed to find a thrift store sofa/loveseat for $65 to replace my grandma's old couch here. I'm sure what you got is much nicer, but I do think its possible to find nice, clean pieces at those kinds of stores.

Sandwich - kudos on getting mom's apartment cleaned out. You deserve a few margaritas for that alone. Also nice that you were able to meet some of the nicer elderly people in mom's new place. Maybe in time she'll make some friends there.

Sharyn - I love Greek yogurt in the morning, too, for exactly the reasons you said: lots of protein, not to sweet.


Later today is doctor's appt for dad with new Primary Care doc. I'm hoping it goes well. Its not my first try to find him a local PCP, but "try, try again," right?

Alison -- I learned just as you did, with providing TMI in emails to my brother. I too, wanted him to REALLY realize what I was handling, to appreciate it, and to offer some real help. I got no response whatsoever -- which should not have surprised me, but I was very hurt and disappointed nonetheless. I did get several phone calls last week though, when he wanted money. He now goes straight to voicemail, and I do not return his calls.
I did learn something valuable -- which is that if people don't seem interested, or don't seem capable of participating, then it's easier to accept it. Don't involve them. If they want information at all, let that burden be on them.

The information thing is really difficult, I find. With brothers, not so much - it annoys the h*ll out of me that they usually don't even reply, but that's just rudeness: a bad reflection on them but not a problem. The thing is, when they do from time to time try to jolt themselves into action, they do so from a position of utter ignorance about mother's state of health. The latest example was when I got a roasting from my brother for being overprotective and resistant to help, as he saw it. Actually the problem was that he wanted to place mother in respite care in a home that was, its brochure said, "ideal for the active elderly." Mother nowadays is "elderly frail/elderly mentally frail." He's about ten years too late with his active elderly idea; which, to be fair, was partly to give me a break and partly to spend some time with his mother (not too much time!).

He does genuinely think I'm being obstructive, I think. Perhaps, rather like his mother, he thinks that if he ignores or evades all the test results, symptoms and medical updates, they won't count and we can pretend she's fine.

And I've found it's no use encouraging them to ask: they just won't. "Didn't want to bother you" is the usual excuse. "Out of sight, out of mind" is my version of it.

Sandwich volunteering at the facility is such a great idea for you and you will get a lot out of it and well as giving people a chance to tell their story-when I was a nurse after one of our pt.'s died and I read his ob I was amazed of what an interesting life he had and from then on while caring for the elderly I got them to talk about their lives and was amazed about their lives someone asked me one time how do you find out all this stuff about people and I said simple -I talk to them and ask questions-most people are very willing to talk about their past life.

Cm, its very much "out of sight, out of mind," although I've heard accusations towards me that I just don't keep them informed... well... when I tell them, they don't seem to care very much anyway.

Today's appt with PCP was somewhat disappointing, somewhat encouraging. The doctor and I spoke about my dad stopping taking his medications, that dad is extremely sedentary, that he needs someone to look after him, that he seems forgetful, he doesn't clean and change his catheter like he's supposed to, doesn't keep up his hygiene, doesn't make rational decisions... and doc said he sees nothing to warrant a neurological/psychiatric evaluation at this time. (My dad has had psych treatment in the past, as recently as about 10-15 years ago he was hospitalized for a short time... I'm not exactly clear on the details, but my dad does have some "episodes" occasionally... mostly just a couple hours or so of incoherent, blind rage once in awhile when he doesn't get his way about something. As I've learned to better communicate with him and have accepted his way of doing things more and more, he doesn't get like that very often anymore. I also learned today, for 1st time, that my father attempted suicide at 18 by drinking bottle of iodine. It was a situation brought about by his father's treatment of him. I felt/feel very sad for him. His father, who died years before I was born, was by all accounts a somewhat mean man.)

I guess I was hoping that my dad's behavior was extreme enough to at least warrant further assessment. PCP - who seems very competent and was very thorough - says no, its not a medical issue at this time. Which means that dad is in the clear to declare that he wants to stay in this house for the foreseeable future. And that's ok... if I want to leave, it means that services have to be arranged. But I've learned that my father falls through the cracks a bit on both home nursing services and transportation services with VA, both of which would be basic needs if he were to remain living here and I move away. So... just need to keep getting through one day at a time for now and learn more about what new resources might be available to him through his new health care plan, Human Gold Plus, which the Humana rep (who happened to be at the new all-in-one geriatric patient facility we went to today for 1st time) said is really excellent and does offer those things - home nurse visits, transportation services. I just have to investigate and learn more about what's available through them.

Whew. Long day, long appointment. Great new all-in-one facility, though, 10 mins away, good doctor. I'm thankful for that.

Hope everyone is well. I'm worn out. :-) Be back soon, thanks for the support, advice, and caring.

(((((Locascio))))) I think that you are doing very well bringing in resources for your mum. It is what you can do. Also be sure to look after yourself. This is a difficult, stressful, and sometimes thankless task. We cannot turn back time. People get older and develop health issues. As her condition, progresses your mum may be willing to make changes. She may accept suggestions easier from a social worker or someone outside the family who she respects. Come back and vent any time. We do get some laughs here, and some tears.

sad - I don't think it is odd, that we have other family members who are mentally unhealthy. I think it is amazing that any of us are "normal"

Sharyn -I agree about your sis and mum's finances. A few years ago, before mother got as bad as she is now, she called me and said that it was just too hard for her to send gifts - even money gifts. I said that was fine and we understood. Then she said that my sister still wanted gifts, and not money but presents. I said too bad, do what makes sense to you and that it was reasonable at her age to give up giving gifts. In short, I supported her.

Glad - shocking about the hearing aids - just shocking. But then from other things you have posted...

veronica - I read it somewhere but don't remember where. You are allowed some senior moments :)

cm - struggling a bit these last few days. The summers are hard as that is when Gordie died. I tend to grieve in advance of dates. The long weekend in July, 12 years ago, Gordie took mother and I to the Rockies. Other than mother and her incessant complaining, it was a great trip. I enjoyed his company so much. A few weeks later he was dead. I still find it hard to comprehend. Pam Stegman's (who posts here sometimes) daughter died a couple of days ago from a brain tumor. I think it is affecting me.

bunny - the use of money to manipulate is horrible. Your parent's behaviour is shameful. I see the same games in my family - my mother and my sister doing such to their children. One Christmas my sister got a shearling coat and I got a bottle of vitamin pills. They are spiteful. I pray for a peaceful, loving relationship with your husband too.

sandwich - mother too is at the end of the independent living era - even of the assisted living era. She will likely now stay in closed units the rest of her life. I wish it wasn't so. I met some lovely older people at mother's ALF and wouldn't mind seeing them again. One asked if mother was happy in her new place. I thought that was telling.