The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sandwich I'm feeling sooooo disloyal (hangs head in shame) - beautiful lovely daughter has just gone back to London after a month at home. I will miss her terribly, and so will her Granny, and so will the dog. But oh! - access to the shower! an empty laundry basket! freedom to have an opinion! and the eerie stillness in the house...

cm - I wear bifocals with no problems. Enjoy the freedom without your daughter. You are allowed to! When mine visits with the grandkids for a few hours I am always glad to see tem leave

Christine - you had quite a time. Glad no one was hurt badly

sandwich - I still get enough requests from the hospital that I feel the cord has not yet been cut, but I give a huge sign of relief about not getting any more phone calls and that mother does not want family visits. I feel like a sandwich with my mother and also my daughter's issues. And I got grill marks to show for it. Then figure in a narcissistic sis as well. My hide it growing thicker all the time.

bunny - you are very welcome. keep coming back. Recovering from childhood abuse is a long and painful journey. I have read John Bradshaw and found him very helpful. Yes, dysfunctional families protract their dysfunctions and want to perpetuate them

alison -7 lbs??? wow! I had Gordie when I was 40 and the gyn said I could have more if I wanted. I had a friend who mother was 47 when she had her. But, you need to get dad sorted soon if you want to go that route

veronica- sorry about all your health issues - do you think retirement had anything to do with it? I exercise because I know it is good of me and I feel better after. 30 mins a day, 5 days a week + 150 mins. which is recommended. I just walk - often around the house.

Marg - I was pleased to find the Health Information Act which laid things out well, and also that mother gave the SW clear direction about what she wanted conveyed to my sister. That leaves me out of it, and they have no grounds for blaming me for not sharing, Not that they may not try anyway, but I am on decent ground, I think.

mama - you are definitely not alone. Sibs can be very difficult.

glad - Don't you wish that your sis who like mine has training in counselling. would apply what she knows to her own behaviour.

locascio - I am glad you were able to straighten that mess out. Too bad for the relative. We have to develop tough skins.

book - your sibs deserve a good smack around the ears for not being helpful!!!

bone graft surgery next post...

Emjo, yes it would be nice if she could apply her learning to her own behavior! But, then there would be no excuse for the narcissism, would there? Sis is just so full of herself, always has been, always will be. World should revolve around her, or so she thinks.

glad - they think they are special and exempt from the normal rules of human interaction.

cold pack - 30 mins on and 30 mins off. Hard to type with the cold fogging up my glasses.

the procedure went well - no probs and would do it again if necessary . Had a very interesting chat with the dentist. His mum has Alz. We shared about family not accepting how things are, and causing family tensions, about the ongoing grieving as they go down hill, the sadness of these diseases... He is a nice man, I had to laugh as they drew a bit of blood to mix with the bone granules and they couldn't find a Band-Aid to put on the site. I found one in my purse, so they used that. I have a mini drug store in my purse. I applied cold till bed time. Took a couple of Ibuprofens at bed time and slept well. This morning I took a decongestant/pain killer tab and am fine. The sinus on that side tends to block up and I don't want infection setting in. I can't really say I have had any pain - a little discomfort maybe. I have a trick. Before I go to the dentist I take a decongestant to stop the post nasal drip and a NSAID, as painkillers work better if you take them in advance. I also take some Ativan if I have it, reasoning that being relaxed is better. I rarely need any painkillers after and even if I do, very few. He was going to give me a prescription for a strong one and I said I never used any after the implants so I didn't take it, nor did I take the antibiotic. Rinsing seems to work. I was quite tired this morning, but picking up now. I will be quiet today and continue with the cold pack. There is some swelling, and I gather it may get worse yet. But that will heal . No bruising so far. Could have been a lot worse. My middle son had all his impacted wisdom teeth removed under full anaesthetic. I went to the city with him to drive him back to the hotel afterwards. He didn't take any painkillers that evening to he could drive himself to a movie. The next day no painkillers and he drove us home and had a hamburger and fries for lunch, so I guess it runs in the family.

However I am happy to have this part over and done with. In 4-6 months I should be ready for the implant and then 4-6months for the crown. I also have to get the adjoining teeth crowned some time in this process, as the one being replaced is part of a bridge. Where a wedding will fit in with all of this I don't know. Oh well - life!!!

Have a good day, everyone! Do something good for you.

People, isn't it time this thread finished and Part 2 was started? How many thousands of entries can fit in a single thread?

Movingup - dunno, let's find out!

Emjo you are a brave woman, well done. Thinking about the prophylactics, though, I have heard that if you are sloshed then you survive falls much better, something to do with the alcohol making your body think "oh sh'allright, li'l bump ne'er hur' anyone…" or something and going floppy. Do you think a modest measure might also have a place in the dentist's chair?

movngup - other threads have over 20,000 entries. have a long way to go.

cm - don't know about the alcohol. I suppose it could relax you which is a good thing. Not sure how well the dentist would like alcohol breath in his face lol. Last time looked at my face, I think it is a little less swollen - I can hope.

Picking apart the guilt: dutiful daughter not being loving? Or is the reality daughter not enabling neurotic behavior of the parent?

It is the realty not enabling. I think the anger keeps us tied to them sometimes. The more I get rid of the anger, the less guilt and the easier it is.(((((hugs))))

Emjo and others with dental woes: I have found coconut oil (they call it oil pulling online) helps draw out bacteria from the mouth. You let it swish in your mouth for as long as you can (10-15 mins). Spit it into a lined garbage can, not the sink. Don't swallow it. Rinse with salt water. I have been amazed how fast the mouth will heal, gums tighten up, infections lessen or disappear. So many natural cures work very well. Baking soda and salt, hydrogen peroxide for toothpaste and rinses are still tops. I had a bone graft and couldn't afford the implant. It's still doing fine.

For physical impairments: try Feldenkrais. It's super, relaxing, and it works to free up spasms, and chronic pains. Better and gentler than chiropractors.

Thanks for the hug, Emjo. I hope I will soon transcend the anger periods that reinforce the Narc connections. Yes, you are so right. Hatred and love are karmic bonds.

Thanking every deity...
I got home from work tonight to find a house full of nurses. HAha. MIL has one and FIL has a separate one. They don't seem to check schedules, so both were here this afternoon plus a trainee. The great news is that MIL is at a whopping 94 lbs. and FIL is at 111. Woo hoo., Can I cook or can I cook? This is just amazing, both have been downhill for the past few years. The other good news is that the nurse fixed up FIL's arm where he had an ugly cut from banging against the door frame, where the metal piece is from the doorknob. I was worried about that, afraid he would get an infection or gangrene...this seemed above my pay grade. He is so bruised and awful looking, big scabby messes on his arms. MIL is bruised too. It hurts me to look at them. That is funny, I seldom bruise even though I am forever banging myself up. Different kinds of people. Anyway, the nurse put on some kind of bandage that held the skin together and has an antiseptic in it. So FIL can't pull it off like he has the last two. Yay.

Anyway, a lovely start to my weekend. I am looking forward to going to the grocery store alone tomorrow, and maybe to the library too.

Thanks for listening, and have a peaceful evening
Christine

Christine, are MIL/FIL on warfarin or aspirin or clopidogrel or anything? They're both pretty, er, slender - glad you're fattening them up! - and they're old, and both of those tend to go with bruising easy anyhow; but if they're on anti-clotting or anti-stroke meds then just one little bump and it looks like you've left them in the tumble dryer overnight.

Movingup,

Our thread is strong and quite relevant!
I don't even like the thought of that!

Margeaux

CM's right and some elderly get very thin skin that tears easily especially when they have lost a lot of weight. Well done with the fattening up. Don't celebrate too soon Chris there is not a dressing in existence that FIL can't pick off if he works on it long enough or you bandage mittens on his hands.

Glad everything wemt well Emjo. You are one tough lady. I was going to say "old bird" or "old trout" but that would have been very rude as you are such a lady

judda -good tips. I use baking powder and peroxide quite a bit

Christine - sounds good The weight gain is awesome.

cm - good point about blood thinners.

hahaha, Thanks, veronica. Old bird or old trout would be fine. I once had a root canal without anaesthetic - by choice. I don't like anaesthetic. I don't know that I would do it again, but it was bearable. Now a dry socket is bad, up there with child birth, only it goes on longer. Think of 10 days in labour. I probably should have taken the heavy drug, but stayed with Tylenol and Ibuprofen.

camarylis-thank you for taking time t o make me feel welcome....blessings to you.

gladimhere-you've no idea how well I can relate to a narcissistic sib! I am also thinking of cutting him out of my life, only it's tough since every few months he comes to see my Mom (for a whole five minutes and he lives ten mknutes away)-- so for her sake I must be civil even if he doesn't deserve it...anyway, it feels good to know others can relate, thanks!

bookluvr-I know all too well about the financial strain and t he ex a speration of knowing sibs should help but instead are apathetic and hostile....my prayers are with you, and thanks...

Hello all,

Hi mama3111, welcome. So sorry your siblings aren't there for you and Mom. I think many here can relate.

The topic of racism/prejudices came up in our thread. It made me think of my grandmother and father and how amazingly accepting and loving they were/are towards all kinds of ethnicities. Strangely enough, there was problems because a previous caregiver who was Afr American was telling the police that my grandma and dad were "loony white people"... thought that was interesting. I only know that bit of info because its in a police incident report that dates shortly before I got here and was part of the overall problems my dad was having and why he called me - they had a caregiver that was prejudiced against them, it would seem. I realize it would most typically be the other way around but the geographic area I live in is predominantly Afr American.

Emjo, glad you've come through your procedure ok. Hope you're healing time is fast. And yes, my father is really strange with the amount of stuff he wants to carry around. I guess we all know women (or ARE those women) who carry big purses with everything we could need in them... my dad does same even though what he carries around really isn't things he could need, imo... but I've mentioned before that my father's thinking isn't rational. He wears a fisherman's vest (sometimes called photographer's vest, too, I think?) with something in every pocket, a bulging 3 compartment fanny pack filled with 3 different checkbooks, some pens, some lighters, some fingernail tools (that he never uses)... and two bulging wallets. Its really something. I've tried to assist him in whittling down to a few less pieces/things, but he wants to carry it all around and so I let him. He is a hoarder. Its a mental block with him. :-)

Hi book, I hope you're doing well. Sounds like your dressy dinner function went over well. Was reading about your escapades over on YOU thread. :-)

Sandwich, the stress studies that I read about back when I was going through extreme anxiety about a year ago all used "sandwich caregivers" as the study subjects... due to the extremely high stress caused by such a situation of caring for children and having to care for aging parents. I can't imagine.

Judda, I think I'm going to try that oil pulling. I've read about it. Seems like it is beneficial. I noticed that I got a bit of gum bleeding that I attribute to the previous mold problem in the house here. Well, it said online that gum bleeding was one of many, many symptoms one could get from constant exposure to too much toxic mold in the air. And I already have coconut oil, use it as moisturizer, mostly, cook with it occasionally.

Camaryllis, yay, glad you got professional reinforcements! That has got to be helpful! And congrats on putting weight on MIL/FIL. You've done really well by them, be proud of yourself for surviving such a sudden taking-on of them and now you will have help, I'm very glad for you.

The only thing going on right now on my end is more and more doc appointments. There will be more before there are fewer, it would seem. So going to 3 different places right now. Next up - dad gets prostate needle biopsy next week.

And I think the big tree - the only tree - in the front yard is dying. Its turning brown and needles (its an evergreen) are falling off. That tree has been here since before I was born and I can't think of a reason it would suddenly die. It was an extremely long cold winter, and sod was put on front yard last year that required a lot of watering... neither of which seems extreme enough to kill a well rooted evergreen tree... Oh well. Just kind of makes me raise my eyebrows. I keep looking at it, have been watching it all this Spring as it loses more and more of the needles, now brown and dead for the bottom half of tree, working its way up... Funny thing is - I would love to get rid of that tree. So, even though strange and sad that its dying... I'm kind of glad. Now I can get it cut down. Its too overgrown for small front yard, but certainly didn't expect it to DIE. ;-)

Have a good weekend everybody. (((HUGS)))

Mama, very similar, for sure. My counselor, narcissistic Sib lives about 10 minutes away, and will stop by to see mom, yes, for maybe 10 minutes, but only if I am not here. About four years ago this Sib stopped by to pick up something mom had on the "LIST" for her. I asked what list? She then got in mom's face yelling and screaming at her "where is the list?" Naturally, mom had no clue what in the world she was talking about. Sis had mom in tears. The way she treated mom that day, I do not even want her around. If she treats mom like that when other people are around it is frightening to think what she would do if she were alone with her.

Oh 10 minutes a few times a year. My mom has a guardian and sibs told her that I was causing problems with allowing them to see her. Their plan by lying was to try to manipulate guardian into deciding mom would do better in a facility. Both sibs are really whacked out!

Camaryl, I remember my mom’s skin being very very sensitive. She bruised so easily. If we changed her bedding and did not make sure that the bedsheet beneath her was straight, the next time we changed her pamper, she had a bruise where she laid on top of the wrinkle. And this would last for about a week. I always worried that the gov’t caregiver might think we hurt her. After so many bruises and torn skin, I figured that as people age, their skin becomes thinner, so that they easily bruise and tear. And well, when I would touch her skin, it felt soooo fragile. I was actually terrified that her skin would start tearing open at any slight movements. (I’ve read that happening at least with 2 different posters here on agingcare when I first found this site.)

ABB, I actually love that last minute evening gown. It’s so delicate looking, feminine and hid my tummy! I washed it and every time I pass by it, I wonder when I can wear it again. I hope that the next business dinner function is months from now. You just reminded me of my goal to read a few pages at a time on that book on how to carry on conversations with people. I will keep that book near my bed – as a reminder. This is one self-help book that I need to complete. It's work-related. I need to learn to be an Asset. FYI, I just had lunch with baby bro's girlfriend today. We talked over an hour on the phone. But once I was with her in person, I shut down. She did most of the talking. ... Thanks.

Hmm, Alison, strange about the tree. When you bought the new sod to lay, had it been pre-treated with anything, do you know? I'm just wondering if it perhaps had some kind of selective herbicide on it to get it off to a good start. If the tree is dying from the ground up, rather than the tips down, then it's nothing to do with lack of water or nutrients; it must be something it's taking up. I suppose it could be water logging - it's not a monkey puzzle tree, is it? You'd better find out what's going on before you replant, because if it's beasties or toxins to blame then they could also damage something new that you actually like!

Judda,

I have tried the oil pulling, it is beneficial.
I did it with olive oil. Must get back to it.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison-my guess is as CM suugests...thesoil had a pre-emergent herbicide in it. Depending on how bad the damage, the tree could recover but you. Wont see that until next spring. If the damage is only on new growth, it could be frost damage.

Joan-glad you are recovering well.

Judda and Margeaux-never heard of oil pulling...interesting...will have to look that up.

Take care everyone...sit in the shade and relax with some ice tea and a good book.

Alison, did the tree have nematodes? those are little subsoil critters that kill the roots. And if you used Preen or any other pre-emergent weed killer, they will kill trees. My MIL killed a 30ft hybrid elm by applying Preen at the base.

Hello everyone, this LadyDi here. just checking to make sure I am not completely going crazy. I know what I have to say is not on the current topic so I am sorry for butting in here. Taking care of my mother has not been easy as you have listened to me whine about from time to time. Now we are noticing her losing her "words", when do we talk to her primary doctor about this. Her doctor is not very in tune with his patients. he takes the pulse, listens to the heart and lungs, reads her chart then we are off and out of the office. I know this sounds very foolish. but when do we bring this up? She is so afraid of growing older and she is a very proud woman she always has been. She will not tell him anything is hurting or "off". I do not want to take away her dignity but we feel concern for this situation. Any feed back would be great. thank you everyone

My mother is very similar. Don't approach it like a life threatening condition but talk about it in your everyday conversations with your mom. Eventually it won't feel so abnormal to hear it. Let her know you'll both be describing this to the Dr. If he's not a neurologist, he'll have to refer you to one so she can get on something to help her brain keep going strong. Meds they use for this treat symptoms & you can sometimes see big improvements in as little as a week. Your mother will notice it too....mine did.

About 6 months after I started taking care of my mom I wrotenher doc a letter stating I was disgusted with the care she was receiving. I was nice about it and approached it from the standpoint of family concern. Told him we would like to know about research opportunities. Also told him what was going on with mom. I was very new at this and it was frightening for me. The letter provided a good outlet for my frustration as well. The next time I took mom to the doc, he actually thanked me for giving him a swift kick in the rear.

Try writing him a similar letter before her next doc appointment. And if doc is receptive, you have a good one that needed a kick. If not, find another doc, make sure it is one that specializes in geriatric medicine.