The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

LadyDi and Locascio~Not remembering words is a normal part of aging especially if they remember the word within an hour or so. We all do that to some extent. There is Mild Cognitive Impairment: Mild cognitive impairment is a "clinical" diagnosis representing a doctor's best professional judgment about the reason for a person's symptoms. There are currently no tests or procedures to demonstrate conclusively that a person has MCI. It's also not yet possible to determine the underlying cause of MCI in a specific person.
My mother started out with this, however, by the end of the first year, she progressed into confusion. I am not suggesting that all people who display signs of MCI develop dementia, but many do. When the confusion set in, we knew she had dementia...confusing entrances into a business she has been to over and over again for many years, confusing info given to her regarding up coming procedures. I suggest you both read up on MCI and discuss it with her/his doctor. If you don't find her/his doctor receptive, look for a geriatric specialist. Most PCP are not as experienced with dementia or dementia like situations and because they are concerned about violating a patients rights, they tend to say things that you have to learn to read between the lines. That was my experience with my mother's dr...he had experience with dementia as he was the physician at a NH home until his practice became too demanding. Document what is going with your parent, the changes in their mood, the time of day it happens, any changes in personality....obsessing, not able to handle daily mail, phone calls, hygiene habits, paying bills or trying to cancel insurance policies, wanting to purchase anything that they normally were not concerned about.

A memory test from a qualified dr. can help to document progress...I personally don't find MRI's of the brain that supporting as Alzheimer's damage will only show up in the very latter stages when it is already obvious there is a serious problem. A good neurologist can diagnose Alzheimer's 90% of the time today with current testing. Of course, a definite diagnosis can only be done by autopsy after death.

Keep your eyes open and observe what is going on...it may only be MCI. Do your own research online. Hugs to both of you!!

Thank you, everyone. We will be more diligent in keeping the journal about behavior, mood, activities. And we will take this with us on the next DR visit. We know this situation is not life threatening, but simply unsettling for us. I can only imagine what it must be like for her. She has always needed to be in control of everything and everyone, the aging process must be very frightening for her. I am 65 years old and I have body parts misbehaving on my own body, and I too am starting to feel frustrated and sometimes a little sad I can no longer do things like I use to. So I have a lot of respect for this old woman and her struggle with aging. Thanks again.

Sharyn is correct the only was to confirm Alzheimer's is on autopsy after death. In my mom's case she did not have an MRI until three years ago, right after I started caring for her. She has had issues with memory for 20 years at least. Now the damage is significant and can be read on an MRI. Why did doc wait so long to order the MRI? He may have, I recently learned when mom was first diagnosed, she became outraged, so probably never asked questions, if MRI were ordered ahe would not have made the appointment. I think this is a fairly typical reaction and actually part of the disease.

Whine ahead...
Last night when MIL was coming inside from smoking her stupid cigarettes, she was carrying the stupid dog and not holding the handrail, and tripped in her stupid open toed slippers, and peeled a couple of layers of skin off her hand. She was bleeding buckets, FIL was out there screaming for help, oh, major drama. She has no meat on her bones, so the veins are sticking out, I thought it was just a scrape but was worried so Charles carted her off to the ER. I stayed with FIL and tried to console him, he was hysterical. They were gone for a couple of hours, nothing was broken and basically all she got was a big bandaid, but OMG. This is the third time she has fallen on those stairs. I have told her not to wear slippers outside, but she doesn't listen very well. So today the slippers will magically disappear, and she will have to wear shoes. And I will get her some closed freaking slippers. My decree is no flimsy footwear in Crazy Town! Both of them arrived with only slippers. No shoes. I had the cousin bring shoes, but she only brought one pair for MIL, and at least FIL wears closed toe slippers.

The ER gave us papers about fall prevention. So did the visiting nurse. I had thought that the reason for the elderly falling so much was loss of balance or standing up too fast. Little did I know it is also from poor reasoning, and poor choices. Something new to fret about.

Thanks for listening,
Christine

LadyDi, my MIL also refuses to admit that there is anything wrong with her mind. I went with her to the dr. and gave him my diary of things that had occurred since she arrived, he read every word, for which I was grateful. I find that keeping a diary gives me reference points, as my brain is fried right now and I can't remember details well. I have kept one for FIL as well, and it seemed to help for his dr. too. They are both in denial of getting older and losing ground, it is a pride thing too, and while I want to be sensitive the medical professionals need to know, and since the old ones can't always tell them it falls to us, the caregivers.
You are not crazy, just between a rock and a hard place right now. Good luck.
Hugs
Christine

Well, this past Friday I finally received the notice from the DMV for my mother. Her license is now revoked. They even specified 'dementia' on the notice. I am relieved that this part is done, but now will have to deal with her. This coming weekend I will make the trek out (3hr drive) and will do the best I can with handling her. And during the week, I will hopefully line up an appt w/a local companion aid agency.
My husband asked if I had the pink slip for her car because I want to donate it as soon as I can. I completely overlooked this detail! No, I don 't have it, and don't remember seeing it in her files either. So I need to see about getting a duplicate, and hoping that's not a big headache.

Oh good grief. I was reveling in some quiet time this morning, and hear a thump and yelling. FIL fell out of the bed and couldn't get up. I don't think he can remember how to get up, not really a question of strength? He doesn't remember how to get into the bed either some days. I tried to get him to a sitting position,but he kept sliding on his butt and not getting a grip. I eventually hauled him up, got him fed and now he is sitting watching the tv with his eyes closed. Haha.

Another day,
Christine

Looloo - if by pink slip you mean vehicle title, getting a duplicate shouldn't be difficult, especially if you have a POA for your mom showing you have responsibility for her financial matters. I don't know about where you live, but here in Michigan, I did have to have Mom sign a form with the Secretary of State (our form of the DMV) saying I had her permisison to sign documents for her with them, even though I had a POA. I was able to go in, transfer registration from one vehicle to another, get her handicap plates..the whole deal. She hasn't driven since I moved in over a year ago, and I don't think she wants to anymore - she's never once asked to drive. (Which is good, because she is no longer able to react quickly enough to drive safely.)

Dear Dad:

Last year on this day, I was too numb from your passing to really "feel" this day.

This year, I'm not. I wish to God I was.

Happy Father's Day.

Thanks, Susan. I'll follow up directly w/the DMV this week. My mother also has Auto Club (AAA) insurance, and there's an office just down the street from me, and they'll also probably be able to help.

It's nice to know that coconut oil is good for more than the memory...didn't know about swishing it in mouth....it is also good for the face and skin....even conditioner for hair---maybe I can make coconut popscicles...(just kidding) marymember

Ladydi,

Before I knew of mom's official diagnosis with ALZ, I went to visit her.
She and her older sister were living together at that time. I'd noticed several times when I'd call her landline, and if no one answered......the answering machine was not turned on. So on this visit, I though I'd check into this, realizing how important a working answering machine is for two elderly women still living independently. I tried to see how it worked. Then, I asked mother how it works. The first thing I noticed was some confusion on her part.
Mom having been a scatter brain all her life however, I didn't give it that much importance at that time. Then, I took her through an instructional of sorts trying to show her how to retrieve old messages from the machine. She was having a very hard time. I'm afraid I may have over done the instructional, poor thing. I say this in hindsight. We as their children become so used to their previous behaviors from the past, that when they either are losing their abilities to make those necessary connections whether it's to follow instructions, forget words, etc.. As caregivers we really need to watch, observe.
I know in my mom's case, since I didn't know she already had been diagnosed, she tried hard to keep up a front with me that day.....that everything was o.k. Her sister who was very difficult was calling all the shots there with mother.
She knew mom had been diagnosed a year prior w/ALZ to which the doc had already prescribed her some anti-depressants. They were both keeping this info. from mom's children. I couldn't believe that part, and in this instance I blame our aunt.

If you're noticing that she's becoming word deficient, it's important for you to speak up. I understand, that you want to still consider the respect, the dignity, but she may be even having trouble describing what she's feeling if she's at a loss for words, even to you. I agree with other posters too, that a geriatric dr. is probably a better choice. Sometimes I think with doctors, (I'm not making excuses for them either),
but many aren't specialized enough. But the first step definitely is to tell the doctor what's happening, in order for her/him to make an initial diag.,
I understand your mom's pride, and fears but any doctor is going to need some clues or symptoms, or they won't be able to assist.

I encourage you to observe, and become her voice!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

A primary Dr may not have all the experience in dealing with everything they are presented with but it would be nice if they recognised this deficiency and refered to some one who is an expert in the field

Camaryllis,

You're at work during the day, aren't you?
Given all of the recent cuts and falls, you and your husband may want to look into some outside help, during the day when one of you can't be there.
This is sounding quite dangerous, especially if you say you're MIL goes out to have a cigarette. It may be time to consider the what if's.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

My sis called me at work a bit ago. She has been in hospital since yesterday with pneumonia. I cant leave work there is no one to come in to cover me. She said she may go home tomorrow. She sounds very weak.

LadyDi - any topic is appropriate - just jump in with whatever you want to

I think family reporting things to the professionals is key. They would not have know that mother expressed suicidal thoughts if I had not reported it. This is what got her into the hospital. I called the mental health nurse and mother's case manager a few times last year, reporting to them the things mother said that disturbed me. It helped them to take the appropriate action. The mental health nurse was snowed by mother, but the case manager and the community psychiatrist weren't. Of course she (psychiatrist) only became involved after mother, at 101, tried to fly east alone and without proper ID, then refused to return to her ALF. Crazy behaviour. The staff at the ALF reinforced what I said as they saw it too.

Christine, I hope that moving fil to a facility is truly under way. I would think that is it not safe for him and mil to be alone - as Marg says. Falls are a major danger for seniors and they can be seriously injured. I got off balance on the stairs last year, carrying too much, and gave myself a minor concussion. Sharyn tripped, at work I think it was, and also gave herself a concussion. Fortunately it was not serious for either of us, but it could have been and could be more serious for someone in the condition that your fil and mil are in. On the other hand I know it is hard, and they are Charles's parents and he has to take the lead. More help in the daytime would be good, so they are not alone.

Sharyn - sorry about your sis. I know her health is poor, and that is a worry for you.

Alison - you sound very organized - good for you.

re dental surgery - swelling going down. I slung a knitted winter head band around my face so it provided a little compression to my lip, and wear it sometimes. I figured that when ankles swell you use compression stockings and that this would do the same thing. It works. I can't say I have had any real pain, Today, I am feeling more tenderness in a front tooth, but nothing that one OTC painkiller doesn't fix. The lip is a bit more swollen in the mornings which is to be expected.

Feeling a little more energetic. Heaven knows I have enough to deal with here. Still have not gotten an estimate for the basement, but am starting to sort that stuff, and need to work on the papers of mother's that I brought up here. I was a little concerned about the candida flaring up as I went off the drug before the surgery becasue it causes bruising. I had a couple of nights with sweats, but, last night I was cool as a cucumber. Woo Hoo! Praise God!

Hope everyone had a good day. Many of us with memories of our fathers. Some with activities with their fathers.

The dying tree: thank you for the input from several of you, I think it has to be something that sod was treated with or something to do with sod being put down around July last year, and this Spring the tree - which is a Colorado spruce/blue spruce standard evergreen type - is losing a lot of needles every single day. I am inclined to think, Sharyn, you may be right that it will recover next Spring, or in a year or two. Thing is, its overgrown for the small front yard... this might be my only chance to get assistance from Trust to spend the money to get it cut down if I tell them it died due to the sod... we shall see. Not an "important" issue but an interesting one. That tree has been here since before I was born. I came for many visits to this house as a child and watched that tree get bigger and bigger. While I would be somewhat sad to get it cut down, its too big for yard now. I pruned it way back in the last 2 years (using prune paint on all cuts), cut all the dead under branches these types of trees can get, and it was doing great. Yes, would seem something on the sod seeped down into soil and made tree sick for awhile, if not permanently. Thanks for the input.

Sharyn, I hope your sis is feeling better? I guess one can get pneumonia any time, even spring/summer.

Emjo, hope teeth/face is feeling better and better.

Camaryllis, don't even know *what* to say except good idea to make those slippers disappear. My grandmother and father both had/have solid slip on shoes that they can wear just to putter around... slippers, no. Do you have regular hired caregiver help now? Or was it just for a day or two? I'm so sorry FIL is at the place where so much is confusing to him, like getting into and out of bed. My grandmother never experienced that, at least that I saw. She was declared incompetent over 10 years before she died, so she didn't remember much except a little about her childhood, but she never seemed to have issues with mobility, like what you're describing, although they could have happened during a time when I only saw her for visits a few times a year, and I wasn't aware. I wonder if FIL is confused to be in a new bed and that's part of it. I do hope you get assistance soon, for both of them. Hang in there!

Everyone else, "Hello!" Hope you had nice weekend and are ready for a good week. I want to be "productive" this week. I feel like I haven't quite gotten all the way back from so much illness and being in bed so much. You get used to it, you know? Used to just not doing much... but now its time to "make hay while the sun shines" and get some things dealt with. :-) Good luck to all of you in having the kind of week you'd like to have.

Camaryllis~I don't know what your in-laws financial situation is, but maybe assisted living or a NH (not New Hampshire) would be best. Falls are so dangerous for the elderly, broken hips (however, I have read that the fall results because the hip broke not the other way around), broken wrists, and arms. My neighbor recently fell, resulted in 4 broken fingers that required surgery to reset plus 15 stitches in her hand. I agree with Alison, get rid of the opened toed shoes...all of them. A caregiver who can come in to provide help with them during the day would be beneficial and MIL is not to go outside to smoke a cigarette unless someone can be with her...too risky.

Alison~I had to laugh at your post about the tree because my first thought is....add more herbicide to make sure it is dead before you contact the Trust to have it taken down, LOL!!

Joan~Happy to hear the swelling is going down and you are having minimal pain. I had to have some peridontal work done some years back that required 2 skin grafts from the roof of my mouth to the lower teeth. I had the same thing done in my twenties for one tooth...so I told them to do both at the same time. They thought I was nuts. It only required a local...and the only thing I regret is that I went back to work afterwards. I did have some pain that required a 1/2 of a Vicodin around 2am but other than that, I was fine. I have a high tolerance to pain too, I think it is a result of my childhood, LOL!!

A shout out to CM, Glad, Book (hugs and a big HELLO!!), Austin, Bunnyrabbit and everyone else.

I was off Wed-Fri this week. I decluttered more drawers and junk out of one closet. I still have more to go through...Christmas decorations we no longer use, OMG..too much. This next week, I may not get to continue as my days off are split.

Thank you Alison and Joan for responding regarding my sister. She went to work Friday and was fine. Came home and fell asleep on the couch which she does everyday. When she woke up, she was too weak to walk to the bedroom to go to bed...so she crawled, then she woke up again and was on the floor in the bedroom on Saturday morning. She tried to hang in there hoping she would feel better and eventually called for an ambulance.

I totally lost it at work when I got her message...I had to listen to it 3 times to understand because she was in tears. She couldn't tell me the address or the phone # so I had to google the # that was on my recent call list on my cell phone and track her down. She said she would call with address and phone # later, but I could not wait for that considering how weak she sounded. I talked with her, and she sounds very weak...but I decided that since she is not in ICU and may go home tomorrow, I would not leave work today as I may still have to call off tomorrow if they release her so I can pick her up and take her to her house. She is in a hospital in Sacramento, a 65 mile drive from here. Hospitals don't release patients by 12 noon like they used to so it could be an all day event.

My sister has been diagnosed with early stages of Intrestitial Lung Disease, CHF and she has stage 4 diabetes type 2. I am the only one here who can help her. I have made it clear to her that I cannot be her DPOA or POA (her eldest daughter has a PD and is trouble), I don't want to deal with trouble from her eldest daughter. Her daughters both live in Kentucky. I have my hands full with seeing to my mother's needs right now because sis won't visit with mom unless it is a special occasion like a birthday, mother's day, Thanksgiving or Christmas. She Is the primary...not me. I am willing to everything I can for my mother, however, I still have to work and sis lives 40 minutes away. I can't do both, work part time and try to keep my hubby on a healthy diet since his stroke last September.

I sent a text message to my brother w/the phone # to the hospital and I informed both sis's daughters. Sis has not told her daughters she has this lung disease or CHF. Sis is in denial and thinks her employer will hire her back on full time when the economy gets better, but the true is, the reason they reduced her hours to 20 a week is because of her health.

I am off Wednesday, I am thinking of figuring out how to have a conference call with both her daughters and telling them they need to step up and put pressure on their mom to move to Kentucky. I have told the youngest daughter about the CHF and told her not to let her mother know I told her...but I think the time has come for a little intervention. I need my job even though it is only part time and sis takes it for granted that because I am married, I can lose a day of pay.

Any suggestions is welcomed...I will appreciate it.

Alison it's always sad to see the end of a tree; but there is a case for being ruthless, especially when space is limited. It's not like you're being a tree-hater! - but removing the spruce (sniff! sniff!) would make room for something that would suit the garden better even when full grown.

Sharyn, I learned my lesson well. I will give you my viewpoint via your Wall. Sad about your sister. Thank you so much for the loud shout out and Hug. I actually smiled and chuckled - despite this ongoing headache. If it's okay with you, I will write to you when this light from the laptop is not adding to the pounding of my head. I will take a sinus-allergy pill. Hopefully this will help since the Tylenol did not.

By the way, Sharyn, I noticed your new avatar photo. Did you already explain it and I didn't see it? At first, I thought it was 3 civil war soldiers. But when I looked harder, it's 3 men in a kilt blowing into some kind of long musical instrument. I've seen how the bagpipes look in the TV shows. That sure don't look like the TV bagpipes. Is this in reference to your ancestry?

Book-the agitate is for fathers day. My dad is in the middle. They are wearing kilts but no bagpipes in the picture. They are part of a bagpipe band which my dad played drums.

Hi everyone, hope the weekend treated you well! So, Friday afternoon, when I got home from work, I received the letter from the DMV with the revokation of my mother's drivers license (sorry if I'm repeating info from previous posts). First thing this morning, I called a home health/companion aid service in my mother's area that I'd spoken to before but couldn't move forward on at the time (mother refuses all this assistance), and arranged to meet with them this coming Friday afternoon (taking another day off work, arranging for pet care, the whole shebang). The agency won't be meeting my mother at this Friday appt., since I'll be breaking the news about her license to her on Saturday, and it'll be too much too soon for her. I wish I knew that I could physically take away the car keys, but the act of doing that may alienate her to the point that I can't oversee her care. So I read a bunch of inspiring 'let it go' themed quotes from wise people throughout history, lol, and will hope that the message that she is no longer allowed to drive is received loud and clear.
I'll probably need to take another day off early next week though and go back down there to deal with the assessment meeting between her and the agency, since she'll need transportation lined up asap.
Re-her car -- I downloaded the DMV's own POA forms, and requested duplicate copies of pink slips for her car and golf cart (she can't drive any vehicle). I've looked through all the files and can't find them. Perhaps when I receive the pink slips in the next month or so, I can get the keys then without her noticing. It's my goal to donate the car, and I'll unplug the golf cart.

Happy Monday! Or at least "hopefully neutral, do no harm Monday" to everyone. Pass the coffee.

I spent Saturday doing something completely unrelated to teenagers, old ladies, nursing homes, laundry, house chores, paperwork, or my job. I worked at a local German heritage festival. It rained on us so much I started watching out for Noah to sail past. One of our tents was obliterated in the wind. The big tent was doing a boogie-woogie to the point we had to evacuate everyone to go inside our heritage house. We never stopped serving beer or food though! Hard work, good fun, and good food. And a great DJ party in the basement after dark.

I was so beat on Sunday, that I just took it as an R&R day with my husband. Isn't it amazing how one can look forward to a do-nothing day with the same zest we looked at going to a big-name concert when we were 20? That's true for me at least! Darling Husband's father's day was quiet, and exactly what he wanted. He even got to sit in the garage, in the new recliner we moved out of mom's place, while drinking a beer and enjoying the post-storm breeze. Ahhh. And then...

My 13 year old came home from camping in the North Woods near Canada all weekend. I was reminded how very alike snotty 13 year olds and grannies with moderately severe cognitive impairment are. I was also reminded I’m a drooling idiot who should probably be the ward of the state due to my stupefying level of incompetence as compared to all the other parents out there. It’s amazing I can find my way to work every day.

She was immediately accusational and surly with us because "You [idiots] NEVER go camping!!!", as if this is some kind of personal failure on our part. "YOU [imperialistic ogres] *always* make me stay in a hotel when we go anywhere!" The outrage! The righteous indignation! Someone notify the authorities! Help, help, I’m being oppressed by clean towels and small packaged soaps!

She was in a royal snit all evening, snarling and growling. I’ve also gotten the rants about never going to Disney, never going to Europe, and never going to the coast. She has a worrisome habit these days of saying “we have never ___ and probably never will because you won’t let us.” I just say to her “if wishes were horses beggars would ride.” And “I’m really sorry we can’t just flit off to whatever thing sounds fun. Dad & I have some pretty heavy responsibilities these days. If I had my druthers, I’d be sipping a strong adult beverage in an Alpine hot tub, somewhere near the Tyrol, with a cute Austrian accordion player performing happy little laendler nearby. Yet, here we are. Did you empty the cat litter yet?”

Honestly, I hate camping. I'm allergic to the outdoors. I grew up in the city. I will go hiking like a billy-goat if my asthma will allow it, but I need to come back to civilization at the end of the day. You can’t plug a nebulizer into any old tree last time I looked. The grown up stuff that takes all the money, time, & energy isn’t happening in her world. Just mine. She has no comprehension whatsoever about the scarcity of free time and how many things there are to squish into that “free time”. She’ll learn. It will hit her sometime a couple days after she has her first baby. Then I’ll get some phone calls I’m sure.

Anyway, we always let her go with her outdoorsy friends, and we send her to a cabin-camp for a week each summer. It’s got no A/C, a shower that hardly trickles out water (whee!), lots of steep hills to climb in both directions to go to the lodge and back to the cabins. All the bugs. All the heat. All the humidity. All the sweat. All the sunburn. Gee, how wonderful.

Sandwich, your depiction of your life with your daughter made me remember how much I used to laugh reading Erma Bombeck's books! You must have read her too? Sigh, I miss her humor.

Shary lots of luck getting her family to listen to reason I called my sil and her son about taking better care of her husband and their son and was told I was interfering and my brother forbids me to even call his house -I did what I had to to do with what my brother had told me abut his health and now I am the bad guy -so you may want to rethink how involved you want to get.

Thanks Austin! That is too bad you are now the bad guy. I talked a little with my sis's eldest, she is whining about how she is having to take care of her younger sister now, which is crap....her younger sister does not have a health issue, she is just irresponsible.They have not spoken in over a year even though they live just down the road from each other.I told my eldest niece that she can't take care of her younger sister, she has to make her own mistakes and learn from it.

My brother is going to get my sister when they release her late this afternoon. My poor brother is going to have to drive up to Sacramento during rush hour traffic. My sister really needs to think about things instead of just plowing ahead doing the same old things. She doesn't want to miss work all week, I told her there is no way you can work even sitting at a desk. She has on her rose colored glasses again.

No I not going to get too involved with this. I will go see her on Wednesday (my day off). I told my niece I plan on moving to Idaho after my mom passes away so I will not be able to help your mother.

After being the primary caregiver of my Mom since last year, I've made my decision. My Mother is a wonderful lady - She is 90 and is suffering from A-fib and CHF - last year she was walking, could run and was driving. She is mobil now and very alert but cannot be left alone due to the blood-thinner she is taking. If she fell it could be a disaster. I moved in to help take care of her and that was when I found out (at 60) that my sister is a complete narcissist. I have had Mom every weekend since October. My brother-in-law who can work remotely and my sister (who doesnt work) are with Mom while I am at work. Actually my brother-in-law is with my Mom more than sis - and takes better care of her. They act like they're doing me a favor! My brother lives in Tennessee - no help. My sister's excuse for me having to do so much more than she does - that I don't pay rent !!! I am up 2 or 3 times a night every night helping my Mom get to the bathroom and then go to work in the morning and this has been going on since October - I AM TOTALLY BURNED OUT. Guess what? I'm moving out, a decision applauded by my grief therapist (lost my Husband in 2012). I have been suffering emotionally from all the head games my sister is pulling and now I have stomach problems - gee I wonder why. In fact tomorrow I'm having an endoscopy per my new GI dr. to see what the heck is causing me so many problems - is it reflux heartburn or an ulcer. Never had to see a GI doctor in my life - not even after Herman died. I finally realize that my sister does not love me because looking back at events in the past, its so obvious she doesn't care - its all appearances for her - the perfect narcissist. So I'm taking care of myself and sis and her hubby will be forced to help more. My mom took care of their kids for the last 15 years and now is barely allowed to see them. I had to drop out of school for Mom from sister's lack of care. I posted more details about this situation earlier in the year. It took me this long to realize that sis and her hubby will never change - we are not even speaking to each other. I have to change by moving and not being "so available" so I can have a normal night's sleep and some sanity. Thanks for reading. Hope this helps someone.