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The above should have said her husband and his father
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i will catch up after work tonight but i want to welcome Brenda to the thread!!

Sis get outs by 3 pm...my brother is leaving now to go get her. I told her I need a copy of her house key.
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195Austin: I don't understand your comment. There is no father in this situation - The individuals caring for my mom is me, my sister and my sister's husband who is my brother-in-law. My mother was a widow as of 2005.
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Austin, you loved your brother and saw how he was suffering and being neglected. You became proactive. You wanted your brother to have some real happiness before it's too late. Unfortunately, your brother.... there is a thread here that reminds me of the kind of relationship your brother has with his wife. I still remember how I felt when an aunty told me this at mom's mass of intention: that all of mom's siblings knew how our father 'treated' (did not say Abuse) us kids but did nothing.... I'm curious. Do you truly regret talking to your SIL? Or do you deep inside know that if your brother died tomorrow, you know that you did your best to help him because it was the decent humane thing to do for your sibling? That you did not stand by and watch him suffering? I think what you did was from your heart. And whatever regrets you get in the end will definitely not be as bad as standing by. I'm so sorry that you regret speaking up. {{{HUGS}}}
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Thank you for your welcome, Sharymarie!
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Oh Sandwich I love you dearly. We once made the mistake of sending all three kids off to camp for a whole week to give us a break. They were 9,12, and 13 at the time and now in their 40s and still have not forgiven us. I should have kept the begging letter we recieved to come and get us. There were plenty of nice options and decent cabins but the most terrible thing was the fact that one of the horses died and it was left outside all day. They did not understand at the time how difficult it is to get a dead horse moved. I feel your pain
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Sandwich, my family knows my views on camping and would never waste breath suggesting it. "If God had meant us to sleep in tents, he would NEVER have invented hotels."
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Emjo, hope you are well. I like seeing your picture pop up in my email saying you replied to a post. You have a happy smile.
Christine
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Brenda you do need to learn to detach - did with my late husband -it is hard at first but when the sky does not fall when you take care of you and not let others dictate how you live your life-you get stronger and can build on the new you and you will continue to get stronger-you have to separate from them as you are planning to do and we will all help you pull up your big girl panties and get out of the black hole-been there -done that-others will not take you seriously until you can't not be pushed around-we need to believe in ourselves and give ourselves permission to be strong. And not let others tell us who we are.
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Book I do not regret calling my sister in law and her son my brother told me on the phone he was almost blind and home along while his wife was away babysitting the grandchild and he as so short of breathe and had heart disease and had to wait 2 weeks to have tests he needs to have done asap-this is his third time with cancer in 8 yrs. He is very sick and apparently confused also -he thought his wife was away -he has been confused a lot lately and was even out wandering not knowing where he was which I reminded his son so I had to act from what he told me-and now that 2 weeks have gone by I know that I acted like I should have and have no regrets-and the hurt has mostly gone.
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Oh, i wish i hadn't moved in, built a room and bathroom to stay in, gave up my mobile home, my life, and my health is seriously declining. Right now I can't see a way in or out. I am so proud of you guys that make decisions for there well being etc. Just wanted to say this thought it might make me feel better. not yet. Thanks for all your post and comments.
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Brenda~Austin gave you good advice. Learning to detach with love takes some time and practice and you can learn more about it by googling detaching with love. I just had to do it with the situation with my sister.It was very hard for me NOT to leave work yesterday when I got her message that she was in hospital with pneumonia. All I thought about at first is...she is in a hospital up in Sacramento all by herself since Saturday, no one visiting her or calling to see how she is. But then I had to grab up my big girl panties and realize 1) she is not in ICU and 2) she will most likely go home on Monday (today) 3) she is already in a hospital so she is being taken care of and her needs are being addressed.

This morning when I told my sister that it probably won't be a good idea for our brother to pick her up, she said, "Why?" I replied, "Because he is taking that anti organ rejection drug (which works like a steroid without the side effects) for inflammation in his lungs, it lowers his immune system." Her response...."He doesn't have to come inside, he can wait outside and they can just roll out in the wheelchair!!" A true narcissistic response...all about herself!! Do some research on detaching and setting boundaries, you won't regret it.

Austin~You did what you had to do, your poor brother is in a situation where he has learned that his wife and her needs and desires come first so he supports it to keep peace. You did what was right and he probably knows that, he has no one with his wife and kids who are willing to back it up. So sad for you and your brother.

Sandwich and CM~ I am LOL!! at the two of you not liking the outdoors!! I absolutely love the wilderness in our Sierra Nevada Mountains. We slept in tents without air mattresses, had outhouses for bathrooms and we washed using warm water and a washcloth. My best memories of my father are of us camping as children. I know it is not for everyone but I will take a day in the mountains or more over a hotel or a beach side resort.

Coulditbeme~It sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders, I hope you are ok and please come back anytime!. Take care of yourself.
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I am feeling better and stronger for not running to my sister's side. Of course if it was a life and death situation, I would have, but I had to compartmentalize it so I could think logically.

I did talk a little through texting with my eldest niece. Her biggest issue is, it is happening to fast..no time to digest it, organize it. I reassured her it would not be immediate, more like in the next few years once sis is 65 years old and of course, it all is whether my sis decides to do it. I am going to stress with my sis that We are still planning to move to Idaho after our mom passes away and hubby has retired. How could we not...our retirement will go much further there than it will here in California and the same for my sister by moving to Kentucky.I love my "things" too, but I will sell them in a heartbeat...the difference between me and my sister is that her identity is tied in with her "things"...her big house and yard, her silver collection, her '67 Camero. I say sell it all.... lock, stock and barrel... move to Kentucky and buy a smaller more manageable home and refurnish it with "reasonable" furnishings that she can afford...very little loss in my way of thinking. Get rid of the nylon hose with the seam down the back...they only mean something to someone like minded who is willing to pay what you think they are worth...be real about it, LOL!!!

i will go see sis on Wednesday, get a copy made of her house key in case of emergency, pick up some grocery if necessary and I told her I would there around 10 am. I am not spending all day there. I have to get my mom's glasses from the optometrist,, cook dinner for my hubby and have some down time for me, the introvert...I love people...but in small doses, LOL!!! No drama queen here...yes I do get overly emotional during times like this...but...I find a balance much quicker than I used to when it comes to family issues.Thank you everyone for the Hugs, I appreciate it!!
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Sharyn, I love the outdoors! Particularly when I reminisce about it beside a roaring fire in a traditional ale-serving inn with a hot bath and cosy bed waiting for me upstairs… :)
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LOVE the outdoors, communing with nature. And then, going back inside, to my bed, shower, etc.! I camped as a kid and loved it, but now I like comfort too much.
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I admit I cant sleep on the hard ground anymore but I do still enjoy tent camping using an airmattress on a cot. I love to trout fish too.

Hope everyone has a good day our weather has cooled down with some strong delta breezes.
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Butting in, here, please forgive. Not sure what to make of this, or how/whether to do anything about it.

Letter from sister this morning, enclosing cheque drawn on one of mother's more obscure bank accounts, starts as follows: "I hope this cheque works, I have new cheque books from [Bank 1 and Bank 2] and they both require the signature of M. and me which is a little awkward particularly as I find it hard to get him to even email/phone me back, communication is not his strong point!" (sic)

So, sister is having as much difficulty as I am getting brother to get his finger out and do the minimum required of him, seeing as he consented freely to the FPOA ten years ago. Now sister is not given to complaining about other people. She either rips their heads off or keeps grudges to herself, one or the other. So what is this? A cry for help?

What I have done is send a hopeful but forlorn email to mother's solicitor, a distant family member, asking if anything can be done to vary the POA so that sister doesn't have to faff about getting brother to co-operate. I pretty much know the answer: no. It's a joint POA, they have to act together, and they both have to sign. Moreover, I think it's true that if one of them resigns, the whole thing is invalid. I'm hoping solicitor can suggest something but I have no idea what.

Tee-hee-hee…! Sorry, just getting my bitchy laugh out of the way there. So much for wonderful darling brother who is the most wonderful and brilliant person in the Whole Wide World, not like me who can't be trusted with sixpence apparently. Cackle! But I digress...

And actually it's not funny. It's a pain for sister, who to be fair is only trying to do her best. It also proves that brother's silence with me is nothing personal - it's not me he can't stand. Or it may be me, too, but it's not JUST me. And what the heck is the matter with him? - is the big question.

Brother is 60. He is a scientist by training and background, a chemist. He is self-employed and works hard, occasional international travel. He has Crohn's Disease, and a partial hip replacement from childhood Perthes Disease. His two beautiful boys are grown and gone, one married, one engaged, both to lovely girls, both progressing well in their careers. His wife, recently retired dietitian, has bi-polar disorder and had a very rough time of it last year.

He is not unkind. He is not stupid. He is not lazy. He is not uncaring.

So what, before my head explodes, is going on that makes him this averse to having anything to do with his adoring mother, who has never said a critical word to him in 60 years? And how do we communicate with someone who won't return calls or emails?
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CM, I'd copy and past that sentence beginning with "he is not unkind..." into a letter/email/text, and send it directly to him. And copy your sister on it. Seriously, what gives?
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PASTE! Geez, would you believe I used to be an excellent speller and typist?
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Do you know, Looloo, reading it through I was thinking exactly that. I'm afraid to, and I don't know why. It's not horrible about anyone, is it? I think you're right, but I'll have to sleep on it. Scared of opening a can of worms, maybe…?
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And it's computers doing it to us, by the way - sticking in apostrophes, breaking up clauses, sticking their nasty little silicon noses in where they're not wanted. I've had eyes out on stalks at some of the typos I'm supposed to have posted!
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Austin,

Good for you! I think it's better in some cases just to tell the parties who are supposed to be caring form someone something, where it appears the patient is being ignored, or not tended to. What on earth are your SIL, and her son thinking leaving your brother alone, when he cannot see. I sure as h*ll say something too!
I'm glad that you're good with this decision.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,

You've made a good judgment call here......for all the reasons stated.
You are so right, that she's being cared for during her stay in the hospital.

I remember when my brother back in Jan., had his gallbladder act up.
No other option besides surgery. My sister became swooped up into being his advocate at the hospital. When she called me, she boohooed, she reiterated to me how my brother didn't have his wife around any longer, blah di blah. Anyway, must admit, it pulled me to be there. I drove 70 miles to the hospital. Then, when he came out of the surgical procedure, we thought we'd be able to see him. No, since there was an infection that had set in, they sedated the heck out of him,, so he was knocked out. Truth be told I never did get to see him, on account of this.
But I thought about all of this later. What I came up with was, well look at that!
Here his own grown sons, who live with him didn't seem to become as involved during his hospital stay. By my sister becoming so involved, I figured, "how lovely, this really takes the pressure off his sons." Hopefully there won't be any more of these episodes, but I can say that in the future, I'm really, really going to consider whether I need to go to the hospital. Later, when things calmed down, I remember my sister saying that my brother had mentioned that he wasn't sharing certain things w/his kids about his health, especially that week, when he was in serious pain from the gallbladder. He waited until the pain got so bad, then finally told them, which resulted him being taken to the hospital. He also said something like, "there were just some things he didn't want to bother his kids with," (meaning his sate of health. I told my sister, "Well,
too bad, I don't think they are in some special category where they should be protected from this kind of news, and participation." Of course, saying this to my sister was met w/resistance. But after she'd made more than 5 trips during her work week after work, she finally got tired of this, and I know she finally got what I was saying.

I'm wondering, I know her daughters are in KY, but do they call her?
Well, good idea you're planting a seed with them. It is THEIR mother , after all.

Stay strong,
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Thank you Margeaux. Yes her daughter's do call, not often because (partly), she doesn't answer the phone....she is always so exhausted after work and on weekends. She will return the call if you leave a message, but that is not to be counted on. Her eldest is very frugal so her long distance calls are very limited.

I did talk with her eldest because she is overly responsible as opposed to her sister, who is completely irresponsible. With her eldest, it is the hyper vigilance of being dysfunctional and of course, the opposite with her sister but the same reason.

I can see that her eldest does care and she does have a sense of responsibility toward her mother even though she comes across as completely cold and uncaring, self centered. She got the impression that her mother was needing 24/7 care right now from here on out. I reassured her that is not the case, and what I am thinking (this is just what I think not what my sister would probably want), my sister could sell her house here, have an estate sale and use this money to purchase a smaller home in Kentucky (cost of living is much lower) and refurnish it. The problem is that my sister has grandiose desires, grandiose attitude about who she is as a person....she has to have solid oak furnishings, solid wood doors, windowsills, and real hard wood flooring. Yes, real hardwood flooring is much more durable than laminate, reasonable people will buy what they can afford. My sister will do without completely if she can't get what she wants.

Anyway, I told my niece that we need to keep communication open between us and work together. I was only thinking that her mother could move there in about 4 years when she reaches 65. Sis needs to down size her possessions and her living situation so it is something that she can actually afford to take care of.

Sis's youngest daughter calls her but again, no answer and we get tired of calling her and she doesn't answer. I don't even bother calling my sister anymore. I send an email to her at her work computer. Her daughters gave her a laptop and paid for internet service for 1 year...sis would not use the computer when she was at home...said she doesn't have time, yet she complains she has no contact with her grandkids,etc. She just is not willing to get in their world by being on facebook so she can have contact with them.

Anyway, I am going up north to sis's house tomorrow and I hope I can plant seeds in her mind as well. She has some groceries to get and wants me to take her out, she wants to get outside for a little while. BTW, sis told me this morning she did not want to talk to her eldest daughter...I asked "Why?" She said, "She is hounding to make sure I am taking my pills!"...LOL!!! I said, "She is worried about you." Some progress made.

Hugs to you Margeaux!!
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Thank you all for your welcome and advice. A few hours after I posted my situation I got a call from my brother-in-law who told me that after they come back from their 2 1/2 week vacation on 7/3 they would not be caring for my mom anymore at all . My sister told my Mom on mon 6/16 (without my mom having her hearing aids on) what their plans were - but my Mom didn't understand, and I had to explain to her when I got back from work. The look of hurt on my Mom's face was so painful to me. She called my sister to come over immediately to talk and my sister said she would be there in a little bit. My sister never came over and she didn't call Mom. They left for their vacation yesterday 6/17 while I was having an endoscopy to rule out an ulcer. Everyone is in shock, my kids my brother (in Tennessee) and his adult daughter. I will not be taking the vacation I already planned for and paid for with no refund. The cost of the 13 days of care my mom needs while I am at work during their vacation is $2,000 + . They planned this trip 2 months ago and there was a big discussion with no answer as to who was supposed to pay, my mother or them. Now they won't be back at all. I work full time and have only had 2 weekends off in the last 9 months since my mom became ill. They have only spent one night with my Mom in all that time. My Mom got sick just a year after my husband died and I went straight in to take care of my Mom as a primary caregiver last year. Of course I won't be moving out now. Just wanted to let everyone know. You never know about people.
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Oh Brenda I feel so sad for you and Mom... Siblings *uck!!!
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Brenda~I am so sorry...siblings do want to be involved...their reason are many, but you must be devastated.

All I have to offer is that you must now think of yourself as a only child and seek out other resources for help, respite care, adult day care (if affordable). Big {{{{Hugs}}}}!!
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sorry...I mean siblings do not want to be involved.
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Brenda,

Welcome to the thread. It's too bad when there's an elder who needs a high level of care as your mom does given her health conditions. I think that as well intentioned the decision may be for one of the siblings to move in and take care of mother initially.....usually changes over a period of time.

I feel that for many reasons a live-in caregiver can never see whether even a sibling who offers to come and be with a parent during absences will always be available to do this. This is why I think people who move in with a parent should really weigh some of these factors.

Well, I hope you first of all take care of your own health.
You sound to me as if you've made a decision already, and that obviously, you cannot take care of your mother, anymore. I do understand also, it isn't an easy job, by no means. Is placing your mom in a facility possibly an option for you?
I say this, because it really sounds as if you've reached your limit. Your situation has truly taken a change with the news that your sister will no longer do this.

Take care of yourself, first and foremost of all,
It's better to be honest about this, looking at the bigger picture.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Brenda, welcome to this thread that is so familiar with dysfunctional families, especially siblings. I have two sissies that have not done much other than cause problems for the three years I have been here now.

Isn't there some way for you to take that vacation by getting mom into respite, or bringing in an agency caregiver? Would she need someone 24 hours? It does not sound like she has dementia so at least it would be easier on her.
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