
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
The worst thing about this is he should have been called for an appointment with this doc 6 months ago. But they changed their computer system and lost the callbacks. Instead he got a certified letter in February telling him he had not made the appointment! Geez, what next?!
Brenda, I work full time and was still able to caregive 2 bedridden parents – just the 3 of us in this house. I “paid” oldest sis to come Monday-Fridays to babysit (she doesn’t do pampers, or clean the house), on Saturdays (I also work in the mornings) 2 of my siblings paid for the caregiver. Money was and still is tight. When mom was first diagnosed with dementia, my dad retired to be a fulltime caregiver. But he had worked for the federal govt and his retirement money was sufficient to live on. Still, he made phone calls. He was able to get a 4-hr a week caregiver’s respite services. What he did was fought for it to be a one-hour increment a day – for them to shower mom. This way, mom showered 4 x a week. He also got for mom the Meals on Wheels. Then he fought for them to include him since he was mom’s FT caregiver. He also found another program that sold supplies at a discount. So, a big box (100 ct?) of liners in the store was $85.00, he got it at a discount of $60.00.
But I think first thing to do is figure out if your mom can live by herself. Maybe try those retirement communities. Or even Assisted Living…if your mom has money.
Glad – sorry about your mom’s bf. I hope it’s not as bad as you think. How will your mom handle this? I think my dad is terrified to find out if he has prostate cancer or not. He just absolutely refuses to see the urologist on his prostate.
Sharyn, I’m not sure if you downloaded some music in your kindle. But, today, while I was playing dad’s Used-To-Be-Favorite-Song and singer, my kindle wouldn’t let me play it without going on the wi-fi. When I did, I Think it updated the music. Because some of the newer songs have captions now. Neat! I find myself singing along very off-tune.
This must be a difficult position for your sister to be in concerning your brother.
If your saying that she either rips into people, or holds grudges.......this style does not appear to be the best manner of trying to communicate with someone either.
I do realize there has to be plenty of frustration on her part. Is there some way you can get the solicitor to be the intermediary?
Your brother sounds very emotionally disconnected, too and then given his own health and his wife's I'm sure he has his hands full. This still however should not be an excuse as to why he doesn't communicate.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I know there is something going on with him, I just don't know what it is. We're ten years apart: there's been no huge falling-out, but we're not close. From my point of view he is just being a pain in the behind! - but of course there will be more to it than that. It's a shame he won't share it so that I have something to tell mother about what he's up to, is all.
I was hoping the solicitor would have some bright ideas about how to make everything work more smoothly; but as I suspected the choices are extremely limited. If the Enduring POA gets wound up, we'll be in a proper pickle and have to start new applications for guardianship - which takes forever, costs a mint and is a pain to operate. This whole thing is such a lesson in life: Think Things Through before you sign them!!!
My sister is like this relative to our youngest brother who is the 2nd in line as far as POA is concerned. She doesn't need my brother's participation as far as I know when it comes to signatures. Thank the cosmos for that, because he has helped out when there needs to be repairs done on mother's rental properties. He does drag his feet about this, though. But once he starts the job, does get it done.
I realize in his case, he does have great responsibilities at work, and he lives probably 75 miles from mom and my sister.
In any case, we can see how important it is for POA's to stay on top of their responsibility's. Well, we can be thankful that at least there is some sort of POA in place. It's very difficult when there is nothing to this end, as we know all too well.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I'm really sorry to hear about this news concerning you son in law's grandfather.
As you know, my dad had this. He was about 81 when diagnosed. They immediately did surgery on him, the colorectal. After that it was rounds of chemo, then localized radiation. As a result of what I witnessed dad go through, I just hope for this man's sake, given his age, he and the entire family consider how much of the aggressive treatment he's willing to endure. Besides, I've been reading lately about aggressive treatment for colon cancer in the elderly. Some researcher's are of the opinion that by the very fact they get lots of toxins via the chemo and radiation, according to statistics it just makes better sense to leave it be. In other words....not so much invasive treatment for an elderly patient.
Well, your son in law is having some new babies soon, so hopefully in the midst of all this it will give him hope, dreams in the midst of some difficult challenges!
You and your's are in my thoughts!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
ming out week after next to say good bye. His grandfather was diagnosed last Sept and it had already spread to the lymph nodes. My daughter will keep me updated.
CM- that is very frustrating when 2 signatures are needed. How do you deal with someone who is unresponsive to emails or phone calls? Other than your brother signing the checks and returning them to your sister...I hope something can be worked out. We agree to do these things for our parents and think it will not come to the point where we actually have to do it. Think hard about it before you agree to it...especially when when 2 signitures are required.
Cm~Thank you as well. My daughter has already made arrangements so she can take a day or 2 off work to help her hubby through it when the inevitable happens. His parents are in North Dakota and his mother will be coming out here as well, she is having a bit of a hard time with it....losing parents is not easy.
My daughter has approximately 10 weeks till delivery of those 2 beautiful baby boys. Coming up too fast, I am not ready, LOL!! She informed me that hubby and I must get vaccinated for Whopping Cough next month so it is effective when we get to Idaho, LOL!! No problem here, we will do it!!! She also said we need to make sure we get a flu shot...Hahaha!! I told her the flu shot will probably not be available until Sept. She said as long as we had the flu shot last year, we will be ok. I am getting a big kick out her motherly instincts kicking in as she always struck me as the type who would just grab up a baby and throw it over her shoulder and keep on going, LOL!!
Another trip to the ER last night. FIL fell, again, third time in two weeks, and did the same thing MIL did last time she fell, peeled a whole chunk of skin off the top of his hand. My house looks like the set from a slasher movie, he was bleeding everywhere. I panicked, and got them into the car and halfway to the ER when I remembered that I had put a pie in the oven before this happened. So we had to turn around and go back, because I figured the way things are going I would burn the house down. Back to the ER, and MIL started getting belligerent as it was taking 'too long' and she was tired. It is always all about her, and she gets cranky when anyone else gets attention much. Charles met us at the ER, and took over his dad, and I took MIL home. They got home at 1 am. I get up for work at 5:30 am. Not much sleep last night, I feel like Zombie Caretaker. At least neither of them broke anything.
Today Charles is supposed to take them to an elder law attorney, to see what can be done about a POA or guardianship. He wanted me to go, but I got all the paperwork filled out and got their papers together for the attorney, and I think that is all I can handle today.
I am determined to disconnect from all this stuff this weekend. I am going to a meetup on Saturday night, 4 women and dinner at a restaurant. I am shy and not that social, but i do know one of the women so will manage. Anything not connected with the inlaws or work is what I need right now. Wah.
Thanks for listening,
Christine Amaryllis
WOW! Your in laws are certainly the restless type!
You may have to pad the inside of your house at the rate they're going.
Yikes! I hope you don't mind the humor, just trying to make you laugh.
I'm so happy for you that you will be getting together w/your friends for dinner,
for a much needed night out! You deserve it, have fun!
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Yes, was thinking about that. Also thinking about football helmet and body padding! Thanks for the smile...
Christine
Picking up some extra hours at my old store tomorrow 12-3, then heading to Tracy to work 4-9. On the 29th I work again at my old store. One of the ladies I work with at Tracy was bent out of shape on Thursday saying she was calling the union and complaining because my old store had called the Tracy store 3 times this week asking for help next week...the tracy store cut her hours and only let her have one day at my old store. Her complaint is that there are people working at my old store who have less seniority than she does who are getting more hours than she is and because they called asking for help....she is entitled to make a complaint and the union has to issue her a check. Well, she was encouraging me to do the same...my hours were cut too, most likely because they hired a new cake decorator. Anyway, I chose to stay out of that drama and my old bakery manager called me asking if I could work tomorrow 12-3. So what the heck, I have to work anyway so why not get 8 hours out of it.
Sharyn, office politics are terrible. I still see it as a way of edging out the older employees, and hiring younger new ones who would be working at Minimum Wage. Bottom line for most companies: profits and loss. We see it a lot here - in hotels, restaurants, etc... I think you made the right decision to just not get involved and take whatever extra hours being offered.
Glad.. {{HUGS}}
I try to make my voice sound convincing: "yeah, that's nice. No, I am listening.." I see that it is a struggle for both of us. If I try to be real I get hurt, manipulated or used up. If I am with her and try to be neutral she gets like a drama queen, makes sarcastic comments, puts me down while I am there to others, and so on. I don't enjoy being with her anymore at all. I still love her and know she may not live like she is now much longer, but it is heart breaking no matter what I do.
I try to enjoy myself while we are driving, or shopping: tune her out, enjoy the weather, and so on. This is not a satisfying relationship and it is sad: because for about 2 decades she was my best friend. It kills me inside to not have that anymore, not expect it anymore, and to struggle how to be with her.
Anyone else have this?
more to come on Tuesday. I anticipate real fireworks if/when she realizes that they'll be looking out for her safety and welfare at home, not just providing transportation. I think I'll commit to myself to make no more visits until her birthday in August after this last round of developments.
My mom bought a brand new car in Florida on her own. She kept telling me it would be mine when she dies. Two weeks later she totaled it and she realized that she didn't even have insurance! At least no one was seriously hurt and Mom volunteered never to drive again.
When she was in her 80's she insisted on driving my sister and I somewhere instead of letting me drive for her. She drove the wrong way, and ended up on a median! We were terrified. Thank God for her subsequent accident and came to the conclusion herself not to drive.
My Dad finally stopped driving at 92. His step daughter convinced him to sell his house and move into an independent living place, which was great!