notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Christine - more crises, Oh dear. Did you have a good night out? I am afraid that the crises will keep coming and may get worse. :(. as the disease progresses. Glad Charles is gong for guardianship etc.
glad - sorry to here about your step dad. That adds to the worry and work you already have.
judda - you certainly have experienced a big change in your relationship with your mum. Mine was never a friend, never really interested in much about me, and always wanted things centered on her, so I cannot identify, but can see that you are grieving what was and I know that that is painful. I think as our parents decline, it is inevitable that they will have less and less to give us, in terms of a satisfying relationship. It becomes more and more one sided, and needs us to adjust to being the helper and not to expect much benefit from them.
I looked up chemtrails at discovery.ca and they present it as a myth. An expert said that "We measure the suite of pollutants in the atmosphere down to the trillionth of a millimeter. If an aircraft were intentionally polluting, we would notice it."
loo - sounds like you did well with the driver's license. Fortunately mother gave hers up when she moved here 16+ yrs ago, as she found driving in a different city too difficult. When my father was developing vascular dementia, he needed to stop driving. Finally the car needed some repairs and I think it was beyond him to arrange that. I told mother to let it sit in the driveway, as he loved that car, and it was good it was not drivable - leave it that way. I told her to get her own car and keep the keys from him. It worked. Re Tuesday, I tell myself those situations, "So she will be angry - what's new?" You know how she is going to respond to care arrangements. Plan your responses before you go. It is alright to say "NO". A good one is, "I couldn't possibly do that." or, " I could do that, but I don't want to." Or "No. I have thought about it and I don't think it is a good idea", and so on. Be prepared for arguments and anger. You don't have to justify why you will or will not do anything. Mother wanted to be moved to another ALF. Finally, I told her she could move anytime she liked, so she asked me when. I said I didn't know as I was not going to move her. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea, but I did not get drawn into arguments. I told her she would not get as good service/care as she was getting where she was. That was it. Did she like it? No, not at all, but it was in her best interests.
Marg and Austin wondering how your bros are.
alison - I read somewhere you have critters!!!! Aaaargh. Raid to the rescue. Well done doing more of your dad's care. Not easy.
book - u r becoming a cook!
(((((hugs))))) everyone. We all have our challenges. I will update on my saga in a separate post
Well, it doesn't stay quiet for long does it? The bone graft is doing well, but a few days ago I started getting ferocious headaches - like someone driving a sharp nail or nails into my head. The dental work was nothing compared to that. I figured it might be rebound headaches due to taking Tylenol or ibuprofen, though I had never taken the max dose on any day, and when I had a dry socket I took max dose without any rebound. Usually the only headaches I get are due to my sinuses. Or, it could be because I forgot my F/M meds for the last few days. I am quite sensitive to reducing even the small dose I am on, though it never gave me headaches before, but its possible. My sinuses were raw on top of that. So I took my F/M meds this morning as usual and my head was better today, so hoping that was it. I had a bit of a headache this afternoon, but more like dull nails being pushed in as opposed to sharp nails being hammered in, and it is gone now with no pain meds. I also got a steroid nasal spray, and hope that will relieve my sinuses. I haven't used it in years.
As well, my sister found out that mother is in hospital and not in her ALF any longer so I got demands for information messaged at me by my niece. The sw fielded those nicely. I am grateful. She told sis things were fine without telling her much. Mother still does not want visits or phone calls, or info passed on, but she will receive letters. Meanwhile, D, who has done some shopping and errands for mother over the past years, has already visited mother and was in contact with sis. D is not fully informed and is getting involved and passing on misinformation. I believe she is trying to get some more business out of mother. She charges for everything including the gas to get to mother and back, as well as an hourly charge. The sw spoke to her, told her not to contact my sis, as she (sw) was in contact with my sis, and to contact me and herself about anything mother wanted done with an estimate of what it would cost mother. O-kay! Next thing, more messages from my niece that D wants to get clothing for mother and how do we arrange that. No contact with me, no contact with the sw. Hmmmm! I told my niece that mother had lots of her clothes, enough till she moved, and the rest was un--washable silks and wools and was in storage and not accessible . I also told her that D had been instructed to contact me and the sw. I emailed D Wednesday and no response yet. My niece said that D had given her the impression that mother had nothing with her but a jigsaw puzzle!!! Hmmmm! If she had checked mother's closet when she visited she would have seen what mother had. All she is doing is stirring up trouble in the process of trying to get herself some business. She is a nurse and understands mother's condition quite well. I see this as her trying to take advantage of mother and I am NOT impressed!!!! If this continues, I will have the sw ban D from seeing mother. In fact, I am about ready to do that right now, but the sw wants to give her more time. I don't need more time.
Meanwhile, as observed by the sw and the church friend that visits mother, she is more delusional. I have asked the sw if she can, while still respecting mother's need for privacy, help my sis to understand mother's condition better. My sis, last winter, said the mother has a few emotional problems. Apparently, despite her training, she does not accept the BPD diagnosis, nor did she perceive the paranoia. Mother is telling people that she is in a locked place with mentally ill people and she doesn't belong. If she tells sis this, sis may try to rescue her. Thankfully 3 psychiatrists have been involved in having her committed, so there is good back up.
Mother's new Visa arrived in the mail and I need to find out if she can use it still. She can't use her access card as she forgets the PIN number. She has sent me her cheques. I wonder if they will have resident accounts (like in the hospital) where she is going. It would be best. I doubt mother will be going out shopping on her own any more, and maybe not at all. She is physically fit enough but mentally deteriorating, and quite possibly would not be appropriate in public.
Like other dementias, it progresses and I know some on here have noticed a decline in their parent in a fairly short period of time. G suspects, after mother is moved, that she will not settle in well, and will spend more and more time in hospital. I think he may be right.
Still no estimate from the contractor. I am about ready to throw a stick of dynamite at someone. I need to get on the phone or better still get G on the phone to get things moving. He is pretty forceful over things like that. Horse case again Tuesday. I hope that is it. Who can plan a wedding in the midst of all this. I would rather wait and hope things settle a bit for both of us. I don't want to be rushed or stressed by outside things., or in the middle of dental work!
So that is it for here for now. Nice rain today -the garden appreciates it and so do I. Have a good one everyone and do something good for you.
Your driving and car situation sounds like it worked out well! Good advice too, thank you, about having answers ready. I'm still pretty new at putting my foot down. I was doing fine but it required a lot of focus and patience. When she wouldn't stop and actually started getting more insistent and pushy, I literally ran out the door!
I do anticipate an Armegeddon of sorts on Tuesday. I think CM said something about "one step forward, three back" and this May end up being another one of those instances, sigh. I am keeping my fingers crossed that her home care us in place when I leave. I live way too far away to drive her around (300 miles round trip), and I can't handle her except in very small doses.
Running at some point is a perfectly decent way to handle things. Last time I stayed with mother, I found endless reasons to "have" to run down to the mall, and then spent hours walking around burning off stream.
As long as some progress is made. There are "critical points" like getting the POA established, preventing them from driving, getting the right professionals involved, getting them into the right facility - that move things forward. Is there resistance - of course, and lots of flack, arguing etc., but if you can get things moved past one of those "critical points" you are making progress, even though there is a lot of tension and confusion. Keep your eye on the ball, and let the flack fall where it may. As much as possible, don't engage in the flack. Think of a balloon that you blow up and let go without tying off the end. It flies all over the place, emitting noises and causes a short spectacle, but eventually runs out of air.
We have some things in common. I live close to 300 miles away and cannot handle my mother except in very small doses either.
Boy, am I owed some back pay...
It is my sis who has found out where mother is, my daughter is not involved at all. Her daughter (my niece) is involved as go-between because I have cut contact with sis due to abuse. Hope that clarifies.
I logged in sometime yesterday a couple of times, and I noticed a lull here.
So I guess we kind of miss one another! That's good.
I laughed when I read your posts.
Having my morning joe, will dock in later.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Your sister finally found out about your mothers situation. I hope she doesnt get too nasty about this and stays away. She wont be able to visit your mom but I guess she could still stir up a hornets nest by getting an attorney. You may want to talk with your moms attorney ahead of time to discuss some plans if it comes to pass. Having to live with waiting for the bomb to drop is stressful.
Take care of yourself.
Regarding this news for mama, it's as they say, "It is what it is!"
On the one hand any caregiver can feel sad for them, however when it comes to their safety and others category, well there's no compromising about that decision.
You handled it brilliantly, too!
My mom too, when it came for that time, taking the car keys, my sister broke the news. Mother who'd never really been the driver throughout her life, dad and her older sister were. Dad died. Then when she and her narcissistic sister started to lose grip power in her hands, driving for the sister ended. Mom was well into her eighties, and was only doing very local driving. All signs were pointing towards,
it was time for mother to give this up. Heck I went there one weekend prior to this,
and she'd gone out to get some milk. My aunt was at the house by herself. Mother took so long to return from the store that day, I was so concerned. I'm know now that she'd already was diagnosed w/ALZ, was on some med for that. Her narc. sister was the only one who knew that, yet between the two of them, they didn't tell the rest of us. Needless to say, I'm very sure that day mom could have been having a hard time remembering how to get home from the market.
I can't say I blame you for not wanting to see her til her birthday.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
No sw does not rely on her. I think sw is just being cautious, and she does not know D as I do. Possibly D could be helpful for mother at some point - at a price, but I don't want her soliciting work from mother. I will tell sw about D giving the family in Scotland the impression that mother had virtually nothing with her. That was manipulative and designed to get them going. I also asked sw if she thought mother was up to a shopping trip or if it would be too disturbing for her. I can always look for someone else to do it. I really would prefer not to and think it would be less stressful all around for an impartial party. Possibly I will have to shop and deliver.
Re sis taking action, I hope she knows she hasn't a leg to stand on with 3 psychiatrists involved, the case worker, and also the observations of the staff at her Alf and where she is now. However that sort of thing did not stop my first ex from trying to get the boys from me. It ended up that he was soundly told off by the judge not to try it again and we moved forward. So I will leave it be unless my sis takes some legal action. I know I can expect abusive words from her and have to thicken my hide. I shared that last email from sis with mother's lawyer and she said I would have to get my own legal counsel if In wanted to deal with it, as she represented mother. If sis attempted to move mother she probably would get involved. I have decided that I can't let the stress of sis wear on me too much. It will continue until mother passes and the will has been executed. After that, I think there will be little she can do. I looked up the life expectancy of a 102 yr. old woman - it s about 2 years. Vascular dementia cuts that in half. I do expect mother to live longer as her physical health is so good, but the vascular dementia will progress and eventually take her if nothing else does. It is a horrible thing to say, but it does give me some hope. I know mother wishes she was gone. She really didn't want to live much past her 100th and is suffering from the effects of the VD and won't take meds. to help herself. It is sad and her life is very restricted.
I think for many of us we never had that kind of relationship with a parent.
In my case.....mom was very neglectful in her responsibilites as a parent, since she worked full time. Then once the weekend rolled around, she would be out the door with her sister shopping all day long. This mean a lot of responsibility fell upon my sister and myself, since we were the eldest of four kids. I stopped longing many, many years ago for some kind of genuine relationship with her, because of this. Mother in those days did have a mean streak, ordering and expecting for my sister to do just about anything that had to do with babysitting and cleaning her house. We were kept in order so to say, by mom's control. When I was a young adult, I challenged that order of things w/mom, I had to or I would have never ever had a life of my own. She would of loved for me to join in on some kind of cling on relationship w/her and the entire family. It took for me to really be detached, as in moving out of our country for 3 yrs., to break this cycle. So even though mom as the years have passed doesn't behave with so much bravado as she once did, she's lost her fight, w/ALZ. Nowadays, when I go see her, I do treat her very nicely, and show her some affection. But I know I would never ever get the reciprocation some of us crave from this dynamics.
Well, all in all it sounds like you know all the issues. Hang in there, and just take the middle road.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
She's the one I've written about who likes to drink.
So she asks me the other day, if I'm going to make a trip to a warehouse store
of which we both are members. I told her, "yes," I needed to go as we were completely out of some supplies. She asked if she could come with me, since her driving is becoming very iffy these days.
So out we go to the store. When we're walking in, one must show the membership card. She informs me that she's forgotten her card. Not a problem we go in w/mine. But when we were done and were now coming over to the cashier area,
I told her it would be a good idea if she just allowed all her groceries to be tallied onto my credit card, w/my membership, and we'd figure the bill out later.
I couldn't believe it! She took me through a whole number, in front of the cashier, a guy. She wanted for me to hand her my membership card, after my purchase and she would pay cash for her items. The reason I didn't want to do this was because one has to give the cashier the membership card before he starts the transaction.
I'm unsure whether something like this is against store policies. She became so stubborn about it, even asked the cashier whether this was o.k. Much to my surprise, he said it was. I just didn't like the fact that she became argumentative, while I was doing this whole trip not only to get my things,
but to help her sorry little a** out!!
So this wasn't the end of this confusion. I'm now standing there, waiting for the guy to ring up her stuff. He does, she now looks at him w/a stupefied look on her face
and says, "Oh, I think I've forgotten my cash." Then she turns to me. Oh boy, I was still boiling from the fiasco at the register to begin with. The guy now asked whether it's o.k., w/me to ring up her items on my credit card. How do you like them apples? So, we actually reverted to my original plan. As we were exiting the store, she informs me, that her money was there in her wallet. I wanted to slap her at this point. She also wanted to repeat the story about how this happened, since she changed purses. I didn't want to hear all this nonsense, any more, so I changed the subject.
Anyway, she seems to be having these kinds of episodes more and more.
Her daughter who works in our town, and really does not live that faraway,
has pretty much been very uninvolved, unconcerned w/mother. She's a nice lady in many ways, but boy is she ever stubborn, and I'm sure the alcohol plays into this. Wasn't it Emjo, who wrote about the dry drunk?
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Thanks. Yes, when we returned home, I helped her take her groceries into her house. She didn't bring up anything about the cash. I left, because I had perishables to store right away. Fifteen mins., later there was a knock at the door.
It was her, w/the receipt of her purchases, and she gave me the money. She just irritated me, when she did this argumentative behavior about she being able to use my membership card. As per what I wrote about the whole incident, if that had been me, I would have apologized. She just acted as if nothing had happened.
This is typical behavior by her. She is needing help current day, why? Because her own kids don't give a rat's a** about her. But I think she probably had been drinking, not like that morning, but the night before. This lady doesn't know what it is to have a glass of wine, she drinks the whole bottle. I'm sure many times other than lacking in serious social skills, it's also some of the alcohol at play here.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Margeaux-glad your neighbor paid you back. Maybe in the future you try to see that she is more organized before leaving....though I know you don't want to have to be that involved. I cant blame you for that either.
Joan-i understand those feelings. I too felt that way back in 2012 when my mother was so combative and I seriously thought about informing her attorney that I did not want the responsibility. I kept thinking maybe she will die soon...it is normal ..at I think so when dealing with so much stress. I hope you can enjoy the wedding planning and it will get your mind on something more pleasant.
I worked at my old store yesterday...found out they have posted an opening so I told the assistant store manager I wanted to put in a bid for it. Well...he said you cant, you are already a bakery/deli clerk. In other words, they want to hire someone off the street so they can start them at beginning wages. In stead of fighting it, I decided if it was meant for me to work locally, it will happen without me fighting and making noise over it. In the meantime, I am working there Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday plus the 21 hours I am working at the other store with a little OT.
Hope everyone's well, have about 15 comment posts to catch up on.
Today went and got my father's prostate biopsy done. I learned that he does indeed have elevated BPA (bisphenol A) which can be a marker for prostate cancer but isn't necessarily indicative of it at all... can be present in enlarged prostate, too.
Two more days of doc appointments for him this week. Tomorrow is a follow up with new PCP. I need to write a letter detailing WHY my father needs to get neurological/psychological examinations but I'm beat from the long day up at the VA. I mentioned before I was pretty disappointed the new PCP didn't see any reason to do those types of exams, because trying to get those done was one of my biggest motivating factors for getting dad out of VA and into a new geriatrician.
Learned today that dad does indeed carry around 10 pounds of extra stuff on him every time we go out... nurse weighed him in hospital gown and he weighed 117. That's at least 10 lbs less than any previous recorded weight - she looked up his previous weights in the system at VA and gave me that bit of info after I was showing her how much stuff he hauls around. (I had to hang on to some of it while his procedure was done and she was like "oh my goodness, Mr. Jones, that's a lot of stuff.") Again, I was just happy for the opportunity to express to her, in front of my father, that he is excessive in this area. And when we got back to the vehicle to leave VA, he let me keep all of his change money (several pounds right there) in my change holder in the truck. :-) Some small progress was made! But the downside of more than just that he carries around all that stuff - my father is underweight and I didn't realize how much. I picked up two cases of Ensure on the way home. The nurse said for him to drink a couple each day. They didn't have the "weight gainer/extra calories" type at the grocery store, I might have to see if I can't buy it online.
Hugs, everybody. I'll try to catch up with some posts and see how you all are doing.
Of course I still have to be on guard, as this often turns out to be bait for later antics, but I am going to enjoy the niceness for now. I sent her a note back saying I appreciate that she did that.
marg -quite the shopping trip - I bet you don't want to do that again. dry drunk is someone who is not currently drinking (your neighbour is drinking), but hasn't dealt with the emotional issues so is "restless, irritable, and discontented". I think there are reasons why her kids aren't around.
Austin - you have done what you can. I am glad you are at peace with that.
Alison - lots of appointments - no wonder your dad is light weight - carrying all that around. You might have a weight loss method there. Let us know about the biopsy. It does sound like he needs an evaluation.
judda - wonderful - enjoy it while you can. It may be bait but enjoy it for now.
glad - how's your mum's partner?
loo - I saw on another thread that you WILL NOT keep your bro informed and you will not give him money. . Good for you. I stopped communicating with my sis after she accused me of having a vested interest in mother's demise and wanted me to step down as POA. Thinking of you re tomorrow. Deep breaths!
If I have missed anyone -not intentional. I am really tired today -maybe 11 days of pain and discomfort have done that. plus the nonsense with my sis over mother and D giving them the wrong impression.
If I ever doubted that my sis is a narc, I need only remember this. My nephew wrote that he was late in getting his mother a b'day card so now she is sending him sarcastic b'day cards. His b'day is in a couple of days. It is the sort of thing mother would do. Good heavens. A "Happy Birthday" on face book is all I get from my boys and I am quite content with that. Eyes rolling, head shaking...
Have a good evening everyone, and do something good for you!