The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad-sorry about step daughter. I knew in my head she is your step dads daughter...not your step daughter.

Oh sharyn, not to worry, I love this site and all the people here, well most of them anyway, misunderstandings usually brighten my day and provide a well earned chuckle.

I think I liked typing all those steps. LOL! I posted about my brothers step daughter (my niece).

One of the guys at work put a cardboard silhouette of a man (an advertisement ) in our backdoor window of the bakery...I kept feeling like someone was watching me....so I looked up and there was this blond haired man looking in the window wearing a race car drivers suit...scared the he!! out of me for a second until I figured it out.

Hello,
Whine ahead, get some cheese... :-}
I get to take care of everyone in the evenings. FIL is particularly nutty then. Tonight was bad, after a week of near peace. He seemed coherent and knew where he was. Tonight he was really out of it, and started with the accusations and saying he was being held against his will, that I stole his keys, the usual nutter rant. I had a really difficult day at work, and after trying to redirect him for a while, finally just yelled at him. I feel so bad that I snapped. I said that Jesus would not like him making accusations, (he has been exceptionally preachy lately, and kind of smug about how he was going to heaven...makes me mad when people don't act like christians when they claim that they are. Anyway, that is my problem) I told him that I could not handle his crap tonight, and that he needed to get a grip. Of course, I know he can't. MIL went to bed, she has been avoiding him the past couple of days. So I had him to myself, and kind of gave him a lecture about how he had a loving family that was taking care of him, and what was so bad about that. I usually can be patient and redirect, but tonight even a brownie didn't work. He asked what a brownie was. Aaaaahhhh.
Poor Charles has daytime duty, and every day this week FIL has peed all over himself and all the bedding. I can't figure out what he is doing, unless he is pulling the depends down? But Charles has to change the bedding and give FIL a shower every morning before he goes to work.
I feel bad that I yelled. I apologized to FIL, but I don't think he knew what I was talking about. Another weird thing is that when I helped him up off the dining room chair, his legs were bouncing. He couldn't stop them and he couldn't seem to figure out how to walk. I wrapped myself around his waist and kind of pushed him forward a bit with my foot behind his foot, and got him to the bedroom. I was thinking of a wheelchair, but it would not fit here. I had bought him one of those four point canes, and the PT was trying to help him use it. I tried to have him use that too tonight, but he couldn't manage it. I could see that it was mostly cognitive.
Anyway, thanks for listening
Christine

OK, one more whine...
Yesterday when I got home, FIL was screaming in 'pain' that he had a rash all over his back and legs. I looked, no rash. Asked if anything hurt when I pressed on his back and legs, nope. MIL said he does this when he wants attention. I thought maybe the fact that he laid in his peed on depends until morning might be causing some chafing. So I got MIL to get him out of his pants and depends, and gave her some cornstarch and a powder puff. Best thing I could think of. She couldn't see, she said, so I had to do it. I wanted to pour bleach in my eyes after that. He was so embarrassed that I saw him nekkid. I just passed it off, saying I had a husband and a son, so nothing new to me. Anyway, I have not had to do personal care for him, he usually refuses to let me, although lately he will let Charles.
I know I am whining. Feeling discouraged tonight. MIL has been skipping meals again, and smoking a lot, so she has lost five pounds. FIL hasn't wanted much to eat either. So I feel like I am failing. Although logically I know I can't fix this.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

camaryllis~Have you noticed if your fil has these bad spells when his wife takes a vacation from his care? I am just wondering if he notices his wife's lack of attention so he acts out in other ways to get attention. This is not to say that you can control this, just that maybe he misses his wife being involved. It almost sounds like their relationship is closely tied to have how his wife feels from day to day and what she can handle from day to day and when she has had enough and takes to her room, he may notice this absence.If this is what is happening, it may be helpful to you and your hubby to be able to predict when fil will be having bad days. Just a thought and blessings to you!







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Sharyn, You might have something there...he does seem worse when she withdraws, or maybe she withdraws when he gets worse. She can't hear him when he is mumbling, and so keeps having to say what? and then he gets mad. So she gets away from him. She is exhausted, and it must be really hard to see your husband of 68 years in this condition. Waaah.
Thanks for your thoughts...
Hugs
Christine

Camaryllis~If that is what is happening then you and hubby can plan for a plan A,B,C...of course with dementia...it will all change around and no long work.

Cam, have you started looking for a facility for FIL? If not I would suggest that you start looking. Many decent places have very long wait lists. If you are on a list and something happens many times you will be moved to the top of the list.

A customer came in the store today with 2 little girls. One of the girls ran to the bakery deli asking are you the person who makes the vales? The decorator said yes I sm. Pointing at the cake table, the little girl said..there is a dead fly in a cake over there. I looked at the mother and said..don't worry, there is no extra charge for it.

Christine you are still so new at this caregiving busines and it is very difficult to be on such a steep learning curve when you are hands on. Whatever FIL complains of real or not is very real to him. You saw no evidence of his itching but he definitely felt it. You absolutely did the right thing taking care of it for him embarassment or not. Try not to strip an elder naked, even if they are used to it it shows lack of respect. Keep the family jewels covered.Leave the underwear on and if necessary wash him with a towel over that part. What is OK for a wife to do is definitely taboo for a daughter or DIL and even male children even if they are professionally trained. MIL has been dealing with this caregiving for more years than you can imagine and with her own aging problems she just can't manage a double load anymore. You and Charles have been very compassionate in taking them into your home and being prepared to become caregivers for which there is no training. there is the constant worry about not doing the wrong thing but you know there is no wrong way when it is done with love. We all make mistakes but as long as you are prepared to learn from them it is merely a learning experience.
Christine you and Charles are doing a wonderful job and even if FIL needs placement you will not have failed. failure would be keeping him home when you were no longer able to provide the care he needs. This is an ugly disease so don't expect caregiving to be easy or pretty. the best analolgy i can think of is someone learning to knit which of course not many people do these days. If you drop a stitch it becomes a mistake in the making, if you continue and ignore it it is a mistake for all to see, On the other hand if you find someone to show you how to pick it up again, no evidence remains and it becomes a learning experience. Blessings

Christine, I'm on board with everything Veronica said above...and I'll add a note. When doing the cleanup of an elder or anyone you're providing care for, keep talking. Talk about the weather, talk about something they enjoy (fishing, travel, tv shows, etc) to distract them from the fact that you are cleaning areas of their body that they'd prefer you didn't - and the next thing you know, the cleaning is done and they really haven't noticed.

OK, Sharyn, I have to ask, what the heck is a vale? Or is it one of those crazy acronyms, that nobody knows?!

Glad, thank you, I have a place that has beds available, just have to navigate the process for getting him there via medicare/medicaid. This part is taking forever, and Charles has to do the legal stuff, as he is related and I am not. Charles is not able to manage much of this and work too...so it is taking longer...sigh.
Veronica, thank you. And I hear you about being respectful, I have been stepping back from the personal care stuff because of this. MIL can do these things, and FIL is accepting help from his son, so it is one thing I don't need to do often. I do realize that whatever he is thinking feels real to him, I feel awful about losing my grip with him yesterday. But yes, a learning curve and thank heaven for you and the others on this group that so patiently and kindly respond. Thank you. I worry that moving him to a facility will shorten his life. He is terrified of the idea. MIL says that the husband she had is no longer here, she is trying to process her feelings and I can't imagine how hard it must be.
Today the deck is being built, by tomorrow they can go outside more easily and be warm (they are always freezing), I live in Texas so it is usually broiling here.
Sharyn, yep, think we are already on Plan C, :) But it will all work out somehow. I am tired and stressed, and have a hectic job and am having some trouble concentrating at work so that is causing me some problems at the moment.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

Oh Glad....my kindle replaced cakes with vales LOL! I didn't notice and I had to go back and read what you were talking about. Luckily the customer had a good sense of humor.

Cam-you are doing wonders so be kind to yourself as well. We all have a bad moment from time to time.

I have a niece from my youngest brother's first, (preganancy marriage), that didn't last. She's been nothing but a lot of trouble which has included, drugs, dealing them,
bringing these problems especially my parents (her grandparents), which resulted in jail time on several ocassions. She's was estranged many, many years from the family. She's hardly had a relationship, her dad, my brother. This is partly because over the years, he just didn't participate in her upbringing. Maybe just for a very short stint, when her own mother couldn't deal with her delinquent daughter. But she was so uncontrollable.....eventually he and his wife threw her out of their house. Can't say I blame him either.

I have never ever had any kind of relationship with her. She was a very manipulative, spoiled individual, even as a kid. So as she committed the disrespect upon our entire family, especially her grandparents, you can all imagine why I've never liked this girl.

Well the day our dad was buried, we were all at our parent's home......there was an post funeral reception. My niece caught me upstairs by my bedroom, said she wanted to talk to me. I allowed her to come into my room, as the house was filled w/people. She became so aggressive with me, asking me why I never speak to her, etc. She then brought up some things from my past, I'm sure her mother told her about my history (small trouble). She had to have been told about this, as she wasn't even born. Anyway, she was trying to use this almost as a defense of sorts, against me as in......."you haven't had such a clean past." She was putting me on her level. Given the fact I was so beside myself w/grief, from having participated in some ongoing caregiving w/dad's cancer, and really I thought to myself, "WTF......I now have this estranged person getting in my face, about herself." Boy did I let into her, I brought up a slew of sins committed by her upon my parents, one of them being having brought drugs into their home. I also told her, the conversation was over, and I had to now become aggressive w/her, just to get her out of my room. It was such an awful feeling for me to have to do this, since I'm not the aggressive type to begin with, I was running on empty.

So, that was 12 yrs., ago. The entire family hardly has seen her in all these years.
She went to jail again in that time, and later shacked up w/a guy who was beating her up, at least that's what we heard through the grapevine. Estranged.
Very recently, I've been hearing she's trying to re-cpnnect with my brother.
She's married now, and really is trying to put out all energies, her life has changed.
That would be great, although w/her history there's too much dirty water under the bridge for ME to believe this. I'm not so naive to think either just because you have a man to dangle on your arm, this is the case either.

Well as you can all imagine my sister has her own stories about our niece also.
My sister has had words wi/her, and pretty much banned her from mom's home about 2 yrs., ago. But as of late, I don't know what's going on in my sister's brain.
My niece has managed to connect w/her. My sister invited niece and her husband,
also of course my brother and wife to mom's on her birthday weekend.
I'd been there the day before, as that's when mom had the two visits to ER, then hospitalization. I for that reason, told my sister I wasn't going to be there on mom's "B," day. I just thought it was TOO MUCH, that my sister even decided to have all those people there, right after mom was released from the hospital.

Anyway, my sister knows about the story......the day we buried dad.
It's really making me so annoyed, lately every other time I speak to her.
She keeps bringing up this niece, and how she and mom were invited about a weekend ago to her house for a BBQ. I don't know whether my sister is doing this to recruit me to her camp. I'm afraid that I can't just take this posture, where my niece just behaves as she has in the past, and we're just to act like she's done nothing wrong whatsoever. This is more than just a case of let's by gone's be by gone's. I was already detaching from my sister, but now I'm really detaching.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

That was a long post, but I've been carrying this around for some weeks now.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux-you have do to what you need to as in this case you are detaching from your sister too. If you were not detaching from sis, then I would have suggested you go but only acknowledge your niece at your arrival then spend your time with relatives you enjoy visiting with.

My mother's sundowning in the late afternoons is so strange. My dad didn't slur words or mispronounce them...hr just paced and mom would give him a dish towel and he would stand in one spot washing the walls.

Sharynmarie,

Well thank the cosmos for now, I haven't been invited to any of these recent get togethers, where this niece is present. My sister was very recently on the other side of the camp with her also, as sister has been very victimized by her,; stealing money from my sis's purse. The latest bbq, was given by the niece and she invited my sister and grandma. So I'm sure my sister is taking my mom,
since it's a place to take her to for an outing. Oh well! But this kind of stuff just turns my stomach, if I may be so truthful, especially as to how my sister IMO, is letting her guard down. You know how in families too......the individuals who elect to do this, often try to put pressure on others to do the same. This is the part I don't like. But I know what I will say to my sister, if need should arise!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, your niece's behaviour at your father's funeral was abysmal. Not something you're ever likely to forget, that's for sure.

So I wouldn't even suggest that now she's married and respectable (oh yeah?) you just think ladidah, all is forgiven, and enfold her in your loving arms. I agree that, frankly, that would be pretty naïve.

But then there's forgetting, and there's forgiving, and there's allowing her to move on - they're all different things. How about if you write her one of those letters - you know, the type we never intend to send, just write to get our thoughts in order - and see what you actually think of her, and whether she could ever have any wriggle room with you?

The thing is, if she genuinely is a reformed character and there is a real possibility of her life turning around from here, then shunning her completely might come to seem unjust - you might be missing an opportunity to do some real good. There is also the self-fulfilling prophesy point: if the black sheep can't get back into the fold, she's going to wander off again eventually. And, again, if your sister does do something foolish, and you've already said you don't want to know, you won't be on hand to help keep an eye on things.

Just don't trust her with anything that matters if she screws it up! Or not for now, anyway.

Sharynmarie,

Thanks for your thoughts.
That's the issue really with this girl. It really has been rather recent she's the one making the moves to come back into the fold. The only time she'd come to try and visit even my parents (which was rare), it was only to see if they'd throw $$, in her direction. My father caught on to her game, eventually, and under no uncertain terms, warned my mom, he didn't want her in his home.
She continued to do her dirty deeds after my dad died, too.
Anyway, just because someone becomes married, and does self promo of which she's done, with the family, doesn't mean everyone is going to believe it. In my book one can't just talk the talk, you've got to walk the walk. It's a wonderful thought that anyone would really reform them self. But we will see if this is reality as time goes by. I really don't care to become involved w/our family dynamics of it all, because it does have to do with the lack of boundaries, especially my sister's current attitude towards my brother's daughter.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Countymouse,

I guess I wasn't quite awake this morning, and I posted to Sharynmaie, but it should have been to you. Sorry about that.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Camaryllis,

You are doing the best possible under the circumstances. What you wrote, need I say is quite a sensitive in nature. Even my sister tells me that mother with ALZ,
still manages to demonstrate how private she is w/respect to showers and having the private areas addressed, by her. I'm not sure as to how mother deals w/the issue when one of the caregivers gives her showers.
You of course being the DIL, and of the opposite sex, that puts another layer on it also. But kudos, you did what had to be done in the moment.

I'm glad to know you and your husband are looking for a possible facility,
because even though MIL is able to do this, she is already demonstrating that she may not be able to do this all of the time. She also sounds frail, so physically speaking, she may not be capable of doing it for that reason either.
O.K., try to take a walk outside in nature, or as other's say here......"Do something good for yourself."

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Susan43,

That's a brilliant idea, to keep talking to someone whilst doing the task.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, forgive me if my thoughts don't flow very well. The issue of whether or not, or how much, to 'start over' with someone who has proven themselves over a lifetime to be unstable, inconsiderate, volatile, with a tendency to abuse drugs, and engage in criminal activity, is one that I'm dealing with too (with my brother). I've spent the past month going through the roller coaster of emotions that can't be avoided when trying to DO THE RIGHT THING -- which we're constantly BUSTING OUR ASSES trying to do!
I don't think that these individuals have ANY IDEA what they really put the people in their lives through. They feel bad, to whatever extent that may be, and they want forgiveness, and we do the best we can to forgive and move on, but they don't realize that there is NO FOUNDATION at all for any kind of close relationship. I think there's a real disconnect there. And that makes us vulnerable to being taken advantage of AGAIN. It happened to me recently, or almost did, but I put my foot down, as kindly as possible of course (we wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, right? God...) and have minimized contact again. It took about a month of having barely controlled rage at my brother and at myself for "falling for it" again, then getting past that, then employing my strategy, and now, sticking to it. These people will always be nonstop WORK, and nonstop TROUBLE. I've chosen to keep as far away from people like this as possible. All the best to them, but this is my choice, and I have every right to it. Don't let anyone else tell you any differently.

MargeuxI absolutely agree with looloo. i would just add that a leopard can't change his spots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amen in this topic. My sister has burnt her last bridge. It took me far too long, and, as with you all, there are other family members involved. In my case mother has stated that all she wants is that her two daughters will get along, yet for her lifetime she had pit one against the other. No more! I will do what is necessary re communicating about mother, which at present is dealt with my the social worker, and my niece and it will continue that way as far as possible. Once mother is gone and the will executed, there will be no more contact, Enough is enough.

Speaking of the social worker, I got a call from the hearing aid people that they have been out to fix up mother's new hearing aids again and there was a balance to be paid off. The sw is supposed to get my permission before arranging something that costs money. It is not a large amount, I don't think, and there was nothing wrong with her hearing aids. It makes me very uncomfortable that the sw has done this again when I expressly asked her not to. I know mother is fussing about her hearing aids needlessly and they don't want to deal with her agitation, but what about trust in our working relationship??? It is their job to deal with mother. If they can explain to me why caving in to her fussing/tantrum is the best course of action, fine. I have spent a lifetime learning to set boundaries and not cave into her manipulations. When I mentioned the previous incident to mothers ex case worker, she said it was not the best way to go. If they cannot deal with mother, let us move her to wherever she is going sooner rather than later to people who are prepared to deal with her. Maybe I have a lever here.

Still no movement on the basement estimate. Just sent off an email. My frustration is increasing. I can't deal with the city, who is responsible for the problem, until we are further ahead with the insurance claim. Aaaargh!!!

Trying to have a good day anyway!!!

Joan-that does seem irresponsible of the sw. Trust is everything but if she does this mist to pacify your mother, it would make more sense to move her sooner like you said.

Your situation with the insurance reminds me of what Jujitsu has been dealing with. They sure take their time....very frustrating.
I would be angry too. Today is a good day to have a good day! I am working on that today myself.