The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Well, the holiday weekend is winding down. Hope you all got some rest, maybe some fun too. I'm psyching myself up for another visit next week. Will most likely have to take 1 or 2 more vacation days to make the drive down. My ,other's homeowner association inspected her front yard, after I did my best to make the corrections they stated needed to be done. It wasn't good enough, and her gardeners won't call me back, so I have to go back down and try again (it's at least 110 degrees there this time of year). I also need to see if she was telling me the truth when she mentioned thata neighbor of hers was interested in buying her golf cart. It's possible she made the whole thing up, or didn't understand whatever conversation took place. If the neighbor is interested, I have to handle the sale. I'll see if I can also donate the car at the same time, but odds aren't good. Last, I'll visit another AL facility. When the time finally comes (soon, please!), I hope to have things as organized as possible. My mood has been pretty angry lately. The only way my mother knows how to interact with me is to try to have me do her bidding, to try to manipulate me. I have such limited patience--really can't stand dealing with her.

just a drive by - surfacing again. I'll have to catch up later.

think I finally found the source of the headaches - had a doozy the other day. I checked side effects for the steroid nasal spray and headaches were listed along with some other things I have. Stopped using it and no headache since. Fingers crossed. Took me another day to just recover. In the middle of this got some bad malware and a Trojan on the computer so I couldn't get into AC for a while and then my browser kept crashing. Superantispyware to the rescue and then another scan with my resident virus detector which let this all in, but screamed that it was in the recycle bin, so ran all the scans I could and it seems to be OK now.

Meeting set up for G and I in a little over a week with the SW and psychiatrist. Most of mother's mail is not being forwarded despite the fact I paid for the service. Better look into that. Canada Post gets a smack! Can anything be straightforward??? The ALF is sending what has accumulated there, which I appreciate.

Re the basement, I sent a letter to the adjuster and the insurance rep before the end of June about the estimate. Still no action -no word from the adjuster or the contractor, and the insurance gal sent the letter for the adjuster to me by mistake, so I sent it back to her. I am decided as to whether she is playing games or just incompetent, and I pay for this service . Have to get G after them tomorrow. Unbelievable

My sympathies to the stress of dealing with dysfunctional parents and/or sibs. (((((hugs))))) and look after yourself.

Hello,
Well, a holiday of three days of nonstop talking, mostly nonsense, delusion and garden variety crazy talk. I left the room for a while, and came back with a book and sat in the living room and read for an hour. He was talking the whole time. Didn't seem to matter that I wasn't listening. Something I am noticing here, is that he wants to get into an argument. He is deliberately trying to provoke me, and the best thing I can do is not respond and just leave the room. I mostly can do that. Yesterday I lost my cool for a minute and yelled back. But then I realized that this is what he was going for. And I can't play that. Their family are yellers. I am not.

So, treating dementia patients with dignity. There is no way to do this with someone who is not present. Or at least I can't see a way? It seems like he needs to be treated like a child, since he can't function as an adult. I am really beset about this. Last night at dinner he looked at his food and didn't recognize it, and started spewing nasty remarks to Charles about the sh*t on his plate. So Charles did what you would do to a child who was being disrespectful and rude at the table. He sent FIL to his room. I put his dinner up, and in half an hour Charles went in to see if FIL was ready to be nice. He didn't remember any of what had happened, I guess, and came back out and ate his dinner. Was it not giving him dignity to do that? MIL looked ready to cry.

I know, I know, he should be in a facility. But do you give up and stick someone in a facility just because they are unpleasant? He has been unpleasant all his life. He and MIL are both narcissistic. And she is borderline besides. He has another dr. appt on Weds., and maybe there can be some change in meds. I didn't know men could get UTIs and I am going to ask them to check for that too. Charles and his mother believe that FIL is just faking it, because some days he can get up out of his chair, but when I am there he asks me to help him. I don't think he is faking, but they know he is manipulative and so they are suspicious. He has been diagnosed with severe dementia. I give them things to read and tell them about the symptoms but they don't really hear me. So frustrating. I don't believe he is doing any of this on purpose, but I do think he wants attention, and since I will give it to him he asks for it from me. Charles is much more utilitarian, he does the necessary things and no coddling. MIL is angry and won't interact with FIL unless it is really critical. And MIL is angry with me because she thinks I am paying more attention to FIL than to her. It is like triage, the most critical patient gets care first, right? She is functioning, and I pay attention to her. She gets cranky with me, though, if I do things she can do for herself, so I can't win there.

On top of everything else, I am trying to train their little yappy dog. That at least is going well. Treat training. Might need to try that on the old ones. Last night I got them all excited because I was making strawberry shortcake for dessert. Treats work, everyone was happy when they finally went to bed.

Yes, this helps me, to write things down and to hear feedback, both positive and negative. So thanks for listening...
Christine

Wow..great post- I am living in moms house and she has mild dementia, narcisistic personality and is a borderline personality also. Mix in insulin dependent diabetes and high blood pressure, depression amongst other conditions and there you have her. she s 82 1/2 and a pistol to say the least. S sh he can be very mean yet childlike..doesnt appreciate anything I do for her..most times
Likes to stir things up ... (I have a sis in Calif whom calls and tells mom bad things about me and likes to stir things up here in Florida...) I have to shut the phone off lots of times and only let mom talk to her once a week...But I know what you mean about the behaviors...only I cant put mom in her room as its her house so I just walk away...its very draining...all the best- sandiw50

Hi Sandiw,
Ugh when my own mother was alive we had that with the siblings who tried to cause trouble from afar. Makes you want to scream. Luckily no siblings in the inlaws case. Shutting off the phone is a good idea.

Yes, that is a lovely mix, isn't it? MIL seems to have maybe mild or beginnings of dementia too, she can't think straight or talk straight a lot of the time. But mostly what she does is complain, so maybe that is okay. The borderline part is worst, I have trouble dealing with that on a good day. Charles is a therapist, and he knows how to handle that better than I do. So I let him. :)

Yes, I am finding that walking away is the best answer. For my sanity, such as it is, anyway.
Have a peaceful day,
Christine

Christine-
You write "But do you give up and stick someone in a facility just because they are unpleasant?" It is not just unpleasantness, it is effecting your family relationships. That effect is in an of itself enough! He will become increasingly difficult. How long are you going to wait, or when is enough, enough?

I am sorry, but to me, it sounds like it is past time. You need to do something that will help everyone and the method to do that is obvious to me. Are you waiting for someone's magic words to make you realize? Are you waiting for Charles' approval? Here is an idea, you take a vacation by yourself. Get away and really reflect on the situation. I think you know now, what needs to be done, but removing yourself from the situation helps.

Charles and MIL are in denial of FIL's disease. You are correct, he cannot control what he thinks or does. Sending him to his room will only be effective if FIL is able to remember what he has done. And he does not, is not able to process the information.

Hugs to Camaryllis/Christine. You have a far longer fuse than I do. Bless you. Sounds like you have your hands full.

Something to think about - utilizing facilities is not giving up. Try reframing that idea around what your priorities are. The facility my mom is in is prepared for anything she can throw at them, and she does!

My priorities are to keep her safe from herself and the world, and to preserve my home as my sanctuary. There is physically no way in hades I can care for my mom's needs properly.

The care center mom is in has fresh staff that come on duty every few hours. They do the cooking & cleaning reagardless of how big her mess is. The place is purpose built for it. They have programming throughout the daytime for people with dementia like my mom. She wouldn't get any of that at my house. She is safe from herself and other people. She has a routine there. They can respond to any kind of medical incident with a direct hotline to the doctor for prescriptions and direction. If they need 5 people to come help with her, there are 5 people on duty who can respond, unlike at my house.There are nurses on the hall, unlike at my house where there are just cats.

This arrangement lets me preserve our home as a sanctuary for myself and my family. I can be in control of how much time we have together or apart. I don't have the burden of keeping her and her clothes clean all day & night, which is an enormous amount of work. They change her adult undergarments and keep her from falling. They feed her dietetically designed meals to keep her BP low, blood sugar low, and not tax her kidneys too much.

We all get our quiet/safe space in the house, we can keep up with our activities, and I do not ever worry about mom. They are taking better care of her than I can, and I would never dream of moving her. Her vile personality and angry abuse are contained. My kids aren't exposed to it. I am not exposed to it like I used to be. This is critical for my mental health.

I tried doing in-home care with her before she degenerated to the level she is at now, and it nearly killed me and destroyed my family. Some people can do it and make it look easy. I am not one of those people, and the care center piece is a critical must-have for all of our sakes.

My mother is in memory care. She gets excellent care. We did not give up or throw her away. We did what was best for everyone involved. I take her to Dr appts and out for hair appts have lunch and dinner with her. I advocate for her and visit her 2 times a week. I already was in the trenches with mom from birth as our childhood was extremely abusive due to mom having a personality disorder. It is not an easy decision and I still cry after visiting her mostly it is greiving because she can no longer take care of herself. A nurse comes out once a year from mom's. Long term care policy to evaluate her care needs and to make sure she is receiving the appropriate level of care. I got to go get haircut and visit mom...today is Basking Robbins day for us. Am waiting also for the nurse to call me so I can be there when she evaluates my mom.

Something akin to depression is hitting me hard lately. I had an appointment to take my dad to Psych evaluation tomorrow but I postponed it. I'm in no frame of mind to speak concisely and clearly to a psychologist and try to tell her my father has mental impairment... she'd likely think I was the one mentally impaired by the end of the hour, lol! I have been making a list of very specific behaviors to be able to give examples, plus took pictures of him around the house and his room...

I hope everyone is doing ok. I'm not. I had no notice that my oral contraceptive - that I take almost entirely for the purpose of regulating my hormones - was suddenly not available to me due to an expired prescription that I had no warning of... and my appointment for annual exam isn't until August 5th. The last few weeks of moodiness/sadness I think is mostly stemming from the withdrawal from the hormones. Yikes. Getting blindsided with that just doesn't help, you know?

Hope everyone American had a great 4th of July. I did join my neighbor's backyard parties and had a great day. Even my dad got out there for a few hours. It was nice. (((Hugs))) to all.

Alison call your doc, many will call in a 30 day prescription as long as you have an appointment made. Hope you start feeling better.

Food idea Glad! I know my Dr will do that for me.

I am waiting for my daughter to get blood work results back. Her Dr sent her to the hospital because she thought the amniotic fluid looked too low. So a specialist did an ultra sound at the hospital and said it is normal for twins. If her labs come back the same as last week, she can go home.

I mean good idea...I really should use my computer but the kindle is so convenient.

SM! LOL! I thought you were going to tell me what I should be eating! Darn Kindle!

Glad- too funny... I need that..thank you!! My daughter was sent home. I felt kinds bad because I called my Fil telling him "L" was sent back to the hospital. By the time I found out what was going on and that she was released...Fil had called everyone in Ga. This is how it will gp until boys are delivered but I will make sure I have info before I tell my Fil. When many gather in His name....

Glad - thank you, I did try to call and request. Several times. They said the physician would get the message. I guess I can go visit the clinic, its very close, and I'm crying pretty constantly so maybe if I go in and they see how much its affecting me they will help. I get the feeling because its a state funded medical service that I'm getting, they don't like to do this kind of thing of continuing the Rx without appointment. Not like a regular Ob/Gyn. BUT - I haven't tried going in. I'll do that asap.

What I mean is - they won't call it in until the exam is done because too many people would abuse the system? I don't know, that doesn't make much sense to me, but I did call several times and was told the physician would see the notes... but no Rx yet... I'm pretty miserable... and when you're full time caregiver to mentally challenged father where there is bad history, I DO NOT NEED to be feeling depressed. Too much to look around at and feel the pain of. Its unfortunate I had no warning about this. I literally went in to pharmacy to refill as usual and was told no more refills. Will try to fix that for future when I go to my appointment. Just to give you an idea of what level of state program this is I'm going through to get my female care, they won't even approve more than one month supply at a time. Typically, in the past, I could get several months' supply at a time...

Allison, absurd! Problem with state systems, is that they forget there is a person that wouldn't be there, if they could help it, because they need medical attention!

Allison, another idea. Is there a planned parenthood clinic near you? They dispense these things easy enough to teenager, I would think that you wouldn't have a problem there.

Just so very frustrated. Mom in NH 200 miles away. I talked to her on the phone today and she was completely out of it. She couldn't talk only mumbled. I don't know what is going on. Sister who has POA won't tell me and neither will the nurses or doctors. I have my own problems and I am disabled, have poverty problems, husband has dementia. My car is old and I can't get there to see her. We have 4 perfectly good NH in this area. My doctor has ordered me to stay off my feet for a month. I can only do the very necessary things. Driving there is almost out of the question. It is over winding mountain roads with cars going too fast of conditions. The roads are narrow. My DH can't drive and there is no public transportation. We are out in the wilderness/sticks/boondocks. I am so frustrated with the POA who put Mom there. In that town there is no one that we know or are related to. Even if I got there somehow I couldn't do anything or learn anything. Just so very frustrated!!!!

Brandy I guess all any of us can do is offer you hugs and sympathy. have you and hubby applied for all the help you may be entitled to. Could we help you with that?

Yes, we have applied and rec'd lots of help. We got a reduction in our property taxes for instance. If you could offer some suggestions as to help, that would be nice. Husband is a veteran. But here on the prairie/mountains there isn't much help like in big cities.

Brandywine, did your husband serve even one day that was during a war time? Even domestic station, one day during wartime qualifies him for extra assistance. I'm not entirely sure what it qualifies him for but something to be aware of. Also there are advocacy agencies that exist separate of the VA that specialize in advising you of what benefits are available to you through VA. I would try to find who that is in your state and get in touch with them, perhaps? Does your husband have any disability rating with the VA?

Alison, Believe it or not this country actually had some peace time and that is when he served. He did not get hurt during his serving, so no disability. Even if he had he wouldn't go for any help. Wants to erase those years from his life. So not one day.

Well, when you put it like that brandywine, I'm rather glad for your husband that his service was during peacetime and he doesn't have disability. Unfortunately I don't personally know much more then about what to steer you towards as possible benefits through VA. There is something called Veterans Aid & Attendance, have you looked into that at all? I don't know what qualifications are. I probably should learn them myself! My father is veteran, he did not serve during war time, but he does have 10% disability rating... I think it should be more since he was in a coma for 6 weeks and I think he came out with some brain damage, but they only go by the physical impairment, and I understand that.

Alison, glad to see you back but sorry that you are doing so well just now. Hope you get your meds soon!!! I can empathise.

brandy -that must be very frustrating. Sometimes there isn't much we can do.

Sharyn - happy your daughter is doing well and the babies are still in place. So much going on!!!

glad - hope stepdad is doing OK

Christine - we may seem to be hard on you but it is just because we care. It is not a matter of "sticking" someone some place, but finding the appropriate care for a person. For example, if someone has a heart attack they need to be in a hospital and you take them there. In fil's case, he has a progressive terminal disease -not just a matter of him being unpleasant. He has advanced dementia which means his brain is being destroyed. It is a disease as much as heart disease or lung cancer. In a facility he would have people round the clock who are trained to deal with his disease, monitor his meds, etc. As family, your role then is to visit, keep an eye on him, advocate for him etc. This must be very distressing for everyone.

margeaux - your sis is a case - she might have stayed all day controlling things

sandi - hard being in your mum's house. Hope you have some plans for you

sandwich - re a facility - you said it well, I don't think that looking after a parent or parents at home is ever easy for anyone. Your mum is in the right place.

hi everyone else -- anyone I missed. I am a little flaky these days. I don't think my thyroid is back on track yet and I am fighting some kind of bug -getting sweats once in a while and feeling tired. This too will pass. At least the headaches are gone.

Glad-I hope you are in a peaceful place regarding what's going on with Sibs. You get through all this eventually. Hopefully sooner than later.
Alison-hope you are feeling better soon. It sounds like you still have a lot of appts for your dad to get through.
Margeaux-how are you doing?
Joan-hope you are feeling better. Any news on the basement?
CM- you have been quiet...hope all is good. How did the party go for your mom?
I too have had a bug the last few days, better this afternoon. I am sure with my daughter, we will have some stressful times until the boys are born. She has a looneu friend who volunteered to give her a baby shower but didn't get the invites until a week before plus my daughter ended up being in the hospital that weekend...no one could come because they had other plans. Then this friend got mad because my daughters mil would not be able to be there as she was out herein Calif because her dad was in final stages of colon cancer. I told my daughter this woman sounds like a classic PD and get rid of her. I am off on Saturday so I will be having lunch with my mom. Still haven't heard from the nurse with he LTC policy. Another abbreviation I may drop is MFM...Maternal Feral Medicine...the specialist working with my daughter's. Ob.

Take care everyone....Book...how are you doing...miss you! Find a good book to read and spend some tome I'm a cool space.

OMG...Not ferel ....fetal ...LOL!!

I forgot to mention my hubs dr (my dr too) has referred him to an endocrinologist for his diabetes. His BS (blood sugar) is still to high even with insulin injections.

I feel so bad for my daughter because this so called friend really let her down...my daughter didn't need the added stress from this woman. I didn't realize how much my daughter was hurt that no one came to the shower until she got home from the hospital. My daughter tends to keep things to herself, and I have been trying to tell her since she told me that this friend butted in with her and another friend...inviting herself to things my daughter had planned with another friend. My daughter is not the type to talk about it with her other friend...she keeps it to herself. It is funny because her other friend hasn't mentioned it either...but my sil and the other friends husbands talk about how they DO NOT LIKE THIS woman!!! So Yes..men to talk, LOL!!!

We have gotten to the point where our 87 year old needs the diapers, I am wondering does anyone know if Medicare, IL cover this expense? We are still not getting any help from the other siblings nor do we expect to...but this knowledge would help, does anyone know?

Iwentanon~I do not know without searching on line. You are in IL, look up online for Il, and if they cover adult diapers or call medicare directly. I do know that a lot a people order online through Amazon. Hope that helps.