notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Thank you, Emjo and Sharyn for thinking about me! It is an absolutely crazy life. I just do not understand, though nobody else does either. We will eventually get through it, just when I think progress is being made, nothing for weeks and weeks!
Well I just emailed her guardian. She pays for medicare supp. like $400.00 a month plus the one everyone else gets, her husband died 12 years ago and was in the carpenters union, but I do not know more than that. I guess we will have to see a gastroenterologist, to see if this is a permanent problem.
Our daycare doesn't provide us with a menu of what she eats or report of how much she has eaten and we do not know if they serve sweets or caffeinated coffee. The daycare was picked out by the guardian that insists that she be there 3-5 days a week, but I only send her two days. She never worked full time, so I won't send her full time...I am one of those that would like the daycare to be night care, cause nothing much happens at that time with her, but I do not like being uncertain of what is going on because the Dr. will probably ask questions like, does she drink water there, eat sweets, too many carb's, cookies instead of lunch, I feed her breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday except when she goes to daycare then it is just breakfast and dinner, she only eats lunch while there, maybe.
She also takes between an hour to 1&1/2 to eat, no problem with her dentures or swallowing...
We only give her sweets/chocolate, if she has eaten protein and fiber although she is not diabetic, because sugar is not good for Alzheimer's patients brains, so we do not use much in added sugar or sugared products.
Iwentanon, Medicare does not cover diapers. Medicaid does. The best time to buy is when they go on sale. Another option is to go on Amazon, buy it by bulk (like a case) with FREE shipping. I used to order boxes of latex gloves size small. Here on island, the small gloves were still big on me. I had to use rubberbands to hold it in place. I found when I ordered it from Amazon sellers, the gloves fit me perfectly. It was cheaper to buy like 10 boxes (100count glovers per box) with shipping cost at $30-$40.00. It still came out cheaper than buying it here. Until the post office kept raising their rates. Now, it's no longer economical. So, I buy it here now.
I hope all is going well. You have taken quite a bit of criticism, that I hope you find constructive. Let us know how your are doing, we are all thinking of you.
Hope you all have some rest and and enjoyable weekend!
Sorry to hear about you not being able to order your medications, especially if it helps your hormones. This can't be easy feeling this way, then taking care of your dad. I hope you can resolve this sooner than later.
How is the situation with your dad's prostate coming along?
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
This must have been awful for your daughter to have to experience in terms of this shower. I realize how sensitive women can become, during a pregnancy.
This so called friend must have known that your daughter was having some delicate issues coming up since she had gone to the hospital already. If she did,
this is plain insensitive, and sounds as if she was planning this event all on the fly since you said she sent the invitations out so late. We know that when one plans a party......one needs to give notice some time before the event.
But I also think that many times in friendships, we do have to mindful not to get swept up, no less for your daughter given the fact she really has to take care first and foremost of all of herself and her babies. Things such as festivities, sure we are excited about first born's etc., but IMO, this should become back burner for the moment. A true friend would take this into consideration, and have a celebration afterwards. Maybe your daughter needs to analyze some of this differently, especially now that she's becoming a mom, friends are going to have a different position in her life.
Hope you are feeling better, I too had my sinuses go crazy, but I'm taking an herbal which I believe is working for me, plus lot's of water.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Thanks, I am surviving. No help from the dr. that FIL went to. He referred FIL to a neurologist, and said he had no experience with dementia or geriatrics. Sigh. Meanwhile, physical therapist is coming once or twice a week, to work on his strength. He is having trouble swallowing, so hasn't been eating as much, which worries me. But I am trying different things, making soft foods and cutting things up really small. We'll see. I have an idea that this is a process, so things will go along till they don't, I guess.
Thanks for listening,
Christine
If he is having trouble swallowing, this is part of the dementia and will get much much worse, so that he simply is not able to swallow. The brain does not tell the mouth and throat what to do. Get him to a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist that understands dementia. It may be time to start hospice, and that would be a huge relief for you. The problem with swallowing is a very good reason to be in a nursing home. No magic words yet? Do you feel like you are banging your head against a wall? You will feel better when the decision is made.
Yes, this is what it felt like to me, the control. She just can't seem to wrap her brain around the fact, that although she lives w/mother and I visit, or relief caregive, I really think at times she's doing some subconscious competition, especially demonstrated by the fact she felt she had to prepare something for mother to eat that day, instead of allowing me to do it. She's a nut case, for sure.
Oh well, won't be available for awhile again, HAAH!
I hope you are feeling better, Emjo.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
OMG L's daughter, granddaughter and two great granddaughters were here for a week a couple of weeks ago. L has never shared when they are here, it happens so seldom, he want to spend time with his family. Well, narc sis found out they were here via Facebook and had a virtual fit! Called and talked to L for 20-30 minutes, not much talk mostly tears on her part. Completely inappropriate and stressful for him! He told her, as did his daughter, that she was here to visit HIM! Not good enough for her. She then came to the house a week later, with her only child, to tell him she EXPECTED him to let her know when they were here next. Then e-mailed his daughter, to tell her the same. Daughter, reinforced that she is here to visit her Dad, and if I know her like I think I do, also told her that she wants no part of our family dysfunction. Then sis e-mailed me to tell me she wants me to tell her when they are next in town. I responded as I did the first time, she was here to see her Dad, and that she should coordinate with stepsis, if she wants to see her.
Maybe sis will go to the east coast, and get lost!
Oh boy, your sister's energy sounds just like mine. They take pushy to another level don't they!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
All I know is that if I had POA, and I'm trying to put my mother in NH and I'm already going through all that lengths to discredit my own sister, I would not like it at all that stepsis came to visit sis, mom and stepdad - and I was never told of her visit nor invited for dinner. Why? What are they up to?
Oh... CM, while I'm still typing this, I'm just reading your post. We're thinking the same thing "behind her back." =)
Today, his older brother came over. I was struggling trying to assemble the $30 computer desk I bought. All by pictures with no written instructions. Even with his expertise, it took us over an hour to do it.
While we were putting together the computer desk, I said, "I guess your brother holds a grudge!" He looked puzzled. So, I mentioned what happened that night. I then told him that you all need to understand this. Do Not abuse your spouse in front of me. You will be forcing me to choose between my loyalty and my conscience. I gave a shaky laugh. Then said, "My conscience will always win. Look where I am at now (referring to caregiving.)" My nephew said that he has repeatedly told his siblings that they need to keep things inside the house. To never bring it out in public. It's his bro's fault. He should have known better than to do that in public.
I told him that I was so scared - torn between stopping it and the 'bugaloos' (my word for the spirits.) And I said, "You know how they don't like me - the night ones." He laughed and nodded. When I mentioned that I was glad that his bro stopped when he did, because I had reached their home boundaries and felt their spirits. I told him that I couldn't go further because of 'them'. He nodded and said, yeah we have our own spirits.
I also told him that I was scared of his brother. I felt that if I interfered longer, he would have turned against me. Hurt me. He said very firmly (so that I believed him) that his brother would never do that. ... Pause... and then he added, "And if he did, I would beat him up!" sigh...He looked at me and then said quietly, "He is scary." ... My fave niece told me that every friend of his (aggressive nephew) that pissed him off, he no longer is friends with them. My niece told me that he holds a really bad grudge.... That means, knowing my family dynamics, that I can now never ever trust or rely on him. That I will need to watch my back. That I have just made a quiet enemy. sigh.....
It sounds as if you misunderstood something I wrote. You are correct, when his family visits it is none of my business, nor sissies. Their plans on how they spend that is entirely up to them. My only responsibility is to help in any way I can so they have a pleasant visit.
I did not agree to notify Sib of the nest visit, instead told her she would have to seek the information from steps is.
This is the counselor sis, other sis has POA. And funny, she knew about the visit since L told her, she too could have shared the information with narc sis and didn't, evidently. Guess she does something right.
I'm still feeling irritated by counsellor sister's silliness, though. "You didn't tell me such-and-such!" in that accusing tone, when all you can say is "er, no, I didn't - why would I?" Why can't they tell the difference between people keeping sneaky secrets, and people just going about their own business in the ordinary way???
I feel better the past couple days than I did for couple weeks before that. Was crying a lot and I know it was due to suddenly stopping taking the hormones. But seems like it might be calming down - although I'm still unusually sad and short fused, more than "normal" - and I will still work to get in to doctor sooner than Aug 5th but hopefully worst is over, no matter what. Thanks for all your support and understanding.
Emjo, I'm sorry you are not feeling so hot yourself. Just seems to me you've had a lot going on, still do, and it takes a toll. You're amazing to be able to offer support and kind words to others even when you're not feeling so fabulous yourself. I admire you for that.
Margeaux, thanks for asking about my dad's prostate issues. We go early this coming week to find out results of biopsy and go from there. I'm hoping biopsy is clear and we can move forward with discussing what procedure would be best for my dad. It sure seems they are going to go the way of doing a TURP. A lot of that is based on my dad's very verbal, very adamant statements that he doesn't want a catheter. Well, they are trying to give him an alternative. This does seem to be the only way.
I want to bring up Medicaid/Medicare because I saw iwentanon's post and it made me wonder ... in Illinois, Medicare/Medicaid were switched over to varying levels of health care plans. For example, my dad was assigned Humana Gold Plus plan. I could've researched other plans and chosen 1 of the other 6 plans offered. I assumed this was a national switch-over but I might be wrong, of course. Did this only happen in IL? Any other input from any of you about it? I'm wondering because then the correct move (and especially because she lives in IL, too) is to contact the health care plan and see if they will cover the adult diapers. ... Just some of my thoughts as I was reading that post, I did send her a Hug about that.
And sharyn, Maternal Feral Medicine had me laughing because, yes, I pictured your wild-child grand babies! You're kindle is good for some laughs. It might cause a little confusion at times, but I read between the lines, lol. I figured looneu was "looney"... funny, I can't even make that word "looneu," the auto correct for me wants to change to looney. But I have a brand new phone (yay!) and I've never seen anything like how crazy this phone's auto correct is. It absolutely insists that "cannoli" be "Catholic" ... "boo" becomes "bookends" or "doorknobs," can't remember which ... and other really OUT THERE word changes, all in the name of "correcting" my typos. LOL! I'm working with it for a few weeks now and its getting easier with time.
Glad, camaryllis, others - hang in there. I appreciate each of your tough situations. Hope you can get some movement towards bettering/resolving some things. I know it does my heart so much good to just have something, ANYTHING, improve because it seems like it rarely does. (((((HUGS)))))
Book, so glad no typhoon there. Ya know, I haven't had to interact with my siblings and other family in some time. But I'm going to Indianapolis around July 19th for probably a week... I'm expecting some friction but also expecting I'm going to stay a cool, detached cucumber and allow all their own space to be as dysfunctional as they do or don't want to be. ;-) We'll see how that plan works out...
Oh, that reminds me. I had a strange call at 10-11pm one night from my female first cousin on my mom's side. R and I have always been close and yet not close. I was nerdy growing up, she was popular and cool. Her and my older bro were closer. They both fancied themselves quite cool. But I guess my older bro's very condescending and hateful ways were directed at her a couple weeks ago. And she calls me out of the blue, I haven't spoken to her in 6 months, and she wants to cry on my shoulder for an hour about how poorly my bro treated her. And she even SAYS to me "I know he treats you like this, but he never treated ME like this before..." And I did have sympathy for her. She isn't a crier (and she was crying) and she was clearly hurt. I listened to all of her hurt feelings and just got off the phone shaking my head. She never bothered to defend me, or call out my bro's actions/words as wrong, as long as they didn't affect her. She knows my bro has bullied me all my life. But as a 40-something yr old woman, when it finally reached her, she calls ME for SUPPORT. Hah! These family members, I tell you what... :-P
Have great weekend all!
We are have having home made spaghetti sauce ( I know, this is not the what's for dinner thread...but who cares), I am feeling better after this virus I had. Hubs was in a fender bender on Thursday and has a rental car...no injuries...and life goes on.