The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I dont mean to sound negative...I just don't have time today to post on individual thread, LOL!!!

SM, the babies are still cooking! that is wonderful!

Hi all

Glad your sis is a total case - not healthy. Sounds like mother - it all must revolve around her. Really none of her business.

book - look after you. You did the right thing speaking up to your nephew. I understand about the spirits.

Alison - happy you are feeling better. It takes a while when hormones are involved. Thanks for the kind words. Let us know about your dad's results.

looloo - seems like your mum's place is being very picky. Too bad bro won't help. There are words for people like him...

Christine - hope you have a few days without a crisis of some kind

Sharyn - praying for the babes to stay put a while longer. Your sis has some hard decisions to make in the future I think. Her health is deteriorating. Glad hubby is OK from the fender bender.

cm - it does sound, from another thread, that your bro has some issues... Hope the party went as well as you hoped, and that your ex is managing OK. and that you are also.

sandwich -how are things? Do they ever settle down???

Margeaux - keep those boundaries.

Oh well. Never quiet for long.

Got a call from the SW with a heads up for the meeting on Tuesday. Mother said she was going to take control and has gone on a hunger strike. She has lost some weight, but is well hydrated. She told the SW not to bother about getting her any new clothes, or treats (she likes to have cashews and hard candies around). She is still taking her vitamins. Doesn't sound too self destructive to me. SW said they thought she had settled down enough to put her on a list for a facility until this happened. Gimme a break! Also, again they want more clothing for mother (actually the nurses do)

They don't get it. She will never settle down and why should we buy more clothing for her, as she is there temporarily, when she has more clothing in storage. The nurses want to wash her outfits daily. Mother is very clean and doesn't need that. not does she have or want much washable clothing.

My sis had sent two sweaters for mother, but the SW thought it was better not to give them to her for now, considering her frame of mind.

What they do not understand is that mother is narcissistic and looking for attention and will go to extreme lengths to get it. I don't think for a minute that she will see this through, but she WILL get some excitement and attention out of it - and it does put her in control of something, which as we all know is a big issue.

So what is new. My only question was could the type of place where they are going to send her to handle this kind of thing? I need to convince them that mother will never "settle down" in their terms and that either they should plan on keeping her there, or to move her to another place and let the staff there handle her. The SW said that the hospital is acute care and that mother cannot stay there. Well, put her on a list then, as she is not going to change and get manageable without drugs. Really, it isn't rocket science.

Meanwhile, I am exhausted - don't know if it is low thyroid only or low thyroid and an infection flare up. I suspect the stress of the last year has something to do with it. I upped my dose of synthroid and seemed like it will help but it will take a while. Will see the doc when I get back from E'ton and feel up to it.. Travelling tomorrow, so have to summon the energy for that somehow. I can sleep on the bus. Had a burst of energy yesterday evening which was great, so I am getting there, but today I am wiped.

This too will pass. Have a good evening everyone and do something good for you!!!

Emjo, I have to ask how in the world do you acknowledge everybody? And do it so well! I am doing good to remember one post to respond to at one time!

Lol glad - thanks. Probably having been an instructor for years helps. You have to know each student and what is happening with them - and in college new ones each term. Getting the names right was a challenge at times especially if you had, for example, three blonde girls, late teens with similar hairdos and names starting with D. It happened one term I read on other threads and remember some of what is going on with others. Sometimes when I am writing a post, I open another browser window and read back to when I Iast posted to see what has been going on. I forget a few inevitably - not intentional. I am interested in the challenges of others and how they deal with them. Lots to learn here.

Off to bed and hope I have more energy tomorrow.

Glad~Yes the baby's are still in the oven!!She is now 30 weeks and counting. Your sis sounds so much like how my mother was before the Alz took over. It is impossible to have harmony with someone like that. They cause so much pain and turmoil for themselves and everyone else but never can see they are the problem.
Joan~My sis did go get a will made naming her eldest daughter as executor and primary on the DPOA. She does not have enough to get a trust made but she is moving in the right direction. I am glad she put her eldest as DPOA. Her eldest told her "Do not put me in a position of having to go out to California and make decisions for you, Please have your wishes known in advance." The reason she told her this is because she (eldest daughter) and her husband had to come out here when her husbands mother died suddenly from an aneurysm. They had to make decisions for her such as removing her off life support...it was very hard for both of them plus they got custody of the 3 small children she had, 2 were her own and 1 was the granddaughter. My niece does not want to have decisions like that again without it already having been decided by the person involved. Joan, hope you are feeling better soon.
Book~Hopefully your nephew will get over it in time. Just try to avoid him for a while. Glad the typhoon wasn't too bad.
Alison~Glad you are feeling better....happy you got a good chuckle out of my feral grandsons, LOL!!

My cat finally got enough TLC so I can go to bed now. Have a good Sunday everyone...well in your case Book, I guess it will be a Monday.

Watch NBC Nightly News tonight on the underreporting of Alzheimer's deaths on death certificates. The immediate cause is what is normally listed. Pushing for more information on death certificates in order to increase research funding for Alzheimer's.

Emjo, a few days without a crisis, haha. Miracle.
Everything is about the same. We had a deck built and so the old ones can go outside without any stairs. So that is good.
Sorry for all my whining. I feel very sad and helpless.
Have a peaceful day
Christine

Alison,

I hope your father can go this alternate route, regarding the catheter.
As I think I mentioned to you before my husband had to come home w/catheter,
when he had the hernia procedure, gee I can't believe it's almost a year ago.
The requirement before he left this outpatient appt., was that he pee. Many hours past after they did the procedure, and poor thing....he didn't pee. Surprise! Now you get a catheter. He apparently didn't know about this aspect of this. That meant I didn't either, and just the idea of it, scared the crap out of me, because I'm green in terms of being like a nurse for someone, in case things go awry. You know stuff like that. One has to be very careful about infections.

I'm glad that you're feeling better, too.
This must have put your body through some changes.

Hug,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Alison does Dad realize that if he has a TURP he will most probably or more likely be incontinent to a greater or lesser extent and need to wear Depends? He WILL have a catheter for about ten days immediately after the proceedure because they have to cut through the urethra and the catheter protects it while it is healing. Once the catheter is out he will be able to pee normally but incontinence is something he may have to accept if he chooses the surgery assuming the biopsy is negative. Surgery is not the only option even if they do find cancer. But make sure he is fully aware of the incontinence he may fancy that less than the catheter. It does not bother my husband one little bit as long as he can buy the Depends he prefers and he takes care of everything himself.

Hi hi! Mom was 77 on Friday, so we loaded up the teenagers and took her cake, flowers, baloons, presents, etc. to have a little party i the visiti room. I have to say that you can assemble a darn impressive balloon bouquet from the dollar store nearby. 3 balloons, one glass vase, and a $9 bunch of grocery store flowers, and there it is for under $15.

As expected at 2 pm, mom was in her pajamas, asleep in bed. She didn't want to go have cake or open presents. She only wanted me to help her in the bathroom, which is big fat NO on my end.

I called an attendant to help her, but mom shooed her away. It "had to be me". And the attendant started giving me crap over the fact I wouldn't go in there. My final answer was that if mom didn't need her help, she sure as h-ll didn't need mine. Mom came out finally, griping that I wouldn't come wipe her. Lord have mercy. After half an hour of complaining, listing all the stuff "I gotta have...", all the things supposedly stolen, everything wrong with her life, and three threats to down the hall naked, she FINALLY had clothes on. Glory hallelujah.

She hated everything, complained about the sweater I bought her, never acknowledged the flowers or balloons. Her highness did eat some cake. We also brought her another case of pop which triggered ten minutes of how it gets stolen. No, it doesn't. She sees them clean up her half-drunk cans that have been sitting there for days. My God Almighty that was depressing, tedious, and life-sucking.

There is no "visit" going on. Never will be. Meanwhile, in another corner of the visiting room, there is a lovely lady who can't speak anymore who was so happy to see her new 3 week old grandbaby. Oh my gosh was she happy to see that baby, and that whole family just seemed warm, calm, happy. And there we are, looking like "Momma & Eunice" from the Carol Burnett show. My husband gets all the thanks and appreciation for everything...of course. He's the good one. At least that's done for another year. I was so glad and at the same time depressedhat I had to come home to have a Radlerita and lie down.

What is a Radlerita you ask? It's a Radler (beer + sprite or lemonade or grapefruit jucie) in a Cuervo grapefruit & tangerine margarita over ice. It's fantastic on a hot day.

But, things will get better. Thursday's my birthday and I have a massage. Friday, we are going to a music fest for the weekend. Hot dang!!

Beer in a margarita?! Sounds like the stuff great hangovers are made of!

Our 87 year old fell earlier today after tripping on a box in a produce store and was sent home from the ER only to return 45 minutes later...Arg.........with a UTI, boy was she out of it, but she had no pain only when the Dr. pressed on her belly, we thought it was impaction, because of the water she doesn't want to drink...they gave her antibiotics and observation, it is almost 3AM, i hope they won't send her home before I can get some rest...

Lwen-
Get some rest. Something with the way Medicare has changed that if she is readmitted within three days of a discharge the hospital will get dinged for it. Iwith the UTI she may not be able to process pain like she normally would. There may be an issue with the fall that is not being diagnosed either. They are very hard patients because of the lack of complete cognitive skills.

Iwent-hope you are getting some rest. Hopefully she wont have any issues from the fall.

Everytime I read a post on here I am so thankful I don't have dementia. Will I be like your Mom in another 18 months?

Hi there - it's Monday, almost mid July. I count down the summer months, and then give a little cheer when I make it through Labor Day. I'm not sure when this happened, but summer feels like a huge grind. Lots of pressure to cram in house repair and projects, social stuff, and vacation??? What's that??? Haha...
I spent the past hour and a half at work catching up on 'mom' stuff (being able to do this stuff at work is a lifesaver!). Paying a few bills, calling her pest control company to explain why it looks like a payment's due when I already paid it. I paid for regular pest control, not annual termite inspection/control. So got that straightened out.
Going out to my mother's this Friday afternoon -- not to see her, but to visit an AL facility. I need to call her long term care insurance company this week, and have them explain her coverage to me (I'll ask them to use simple words and speak slowly, lol -- insurance stuff takes me a while to get my head around).
I doubt I'll be able to arrange for her vehicle donation this weekend, so will need to go out again in the next several weeks. I'll also have to coordinate her termite inspection, and maybe a dentist appt too.
Since she's becoming less able to understand things in general, I need to be there when the termite guy (or gal!) shows up. They need to come in the house, I wouldn't put it past them to try to sell my mother something she probably doesn't need.
A LOT more involvement this year than last. And so it goes. At least I was able to confirm that her home care person is actually coming twice a week as planned. My mother told me that she was only coming once a week, per her request. But that isn't so. Which is good.

Beer in a margarita is fantastic. Restaurants typically do a bottle of corona nose-down in a big frozen margarita. I like the Radlerita better because it's sweeter. :-D

Looloo & Lwen - Hoping for a chance for both of you to rest and recharge. There will never be a feeling of "all caught up" or "got it all together". Those are lies, d_mn lies.

I read an interesting tidbit in a book on the bus this morning. Understanding The Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. People who have been through something horrendously traumatic can have damage to their amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for connecting actions to consequences or cause to effect, and in memory. Borderlines frequently deny anything to do with past actions and say it never happened. Because their brain physically can't remember it. Even if it just happened. This is why they seem to never learn from mistakes and have poor judgement. I was reading the sample from Amazon, and went back to buy the whole book because I want to know more. This explains so much about my mom.

Sharyn - so glad your sis named her daughter DPOA. her daughter's position is good,

glad - the underreporting is interesting. The figures for Alz would be even higher than they are now and probably more alarming.

Christine - please don't apologise for venting - not whining - but necessary venting. Haven't you noticed that we all do? I share the sad and helpless. We can have such good intentions and ideas re our parents or in laws, but the diseases are greater than our abilities to see these plans through. Sometimes there just are not any good options and figuring out which is best or least bad is not necessarily easy. These diseases have a life of their own and they bring us into unknown territory. Doors close, paths are blocked by insurmountable obstacles, and we wander in the wilderness of this uncharted terrain looking for a familiar path. What worked before does not always work now. It is tough.

Alison - wondering about your dad's appointment. Hope you continue to feel better.

margeaux - a year ago - doesn't seem that long

veronica -I don't think so (re dementia) Good info about the TURP.

sandwich - looks like it went off pretty well. Life sucking- yes. Mother's 100th was an ordeal. She looked around for things to complain about afterward ad ended up burning her bridges with my cousin who did the toast -she told him off for not doing a good enough job. He hasn't visited her since. Enjoy your birthday and the massage and music fest. Way to go!!! I may buy that book. In mother's case, she did not go through anything traumatic, that I know about, but I do think her brain is wired differently and that it runs in her family. I think the genetic factor is the big one in her case.

lwent - hope you got some rest and your 87 yr old is mending

loo - a lot more involvement - I can identify. Take a vacation anyway and leave the concerns behind! Sounds like you are getting things sorted out.

G called thus evening to tell me that his mother is in hospital and they don't feel good about it. She had a reaction to a shot or something like that. He is seeing her tonight and will come with me to the meeting tomorrow, She is a somewhat frail 87 yr. old who has a number of health issues, so anything can happen, though my gut tells me this is not her time. And there is my mother, physically healthy as a horse, trying to harm herself. If G's mother goes first they expect that his dad will follow soon after. They have been married over 65 years.

Finally figured out my exhaustion - the thyroid and a flare up of the intestinal candida. Stress acts on both of them and low thyroid means lower immune function. My symptoms are less than they were (which is a good thing), so it fooled me. I started the meds and see improvement already though I was very quiet today. Good bus trip yesterday. I may use that line again. They are the "luxury" bus. For a small extra price you get more room, movies, free snacks and drinks.

G and I have decided on custom made rings. There is a good jeweler at home, so we are making progress - slowly!!!

Have a good night everyone.

Alzheimer's new test for diagnosis years before onset. A smell test and eye test are being researched in Australia. Google it.

Glad-I was on the news about the eye test...something wiith the retina.I wonder if the eye thing has anything to do with sundowning and light.

SM, a very interesting thought, retina and sundowning. There is so much that we don't know! That is why they call it practicing medicine.

Doctors are also researching the sense of smell and what tests may be able to diagnose dementia.

Emjo,

It's really baffling.....the situation with your mom. On the one hand, if I'm understanding correctly, she can't stay where she is, then they won't medicate her. Does the fact that she be more manageable in terms of her temperament have to do with being placed on the list by the SW?

You have gone through a very challenging year taking care of your mom's concerns, and also dealing with your health challenges. I wish you a lot of strength taking the bus, Emjo.

I do have to remind myself about the boundaries with my sister.
I avoided being available to her for caregiving, for a couple months.
It is the constant details about dealing with her at times that is so much work, such as even seeing her name come up on my cell phone and I not wanting to answer it, because I already have to be with my defenses up.
This last weekend, she called me on Friday, and I found myself prepared w/an excuse in case she was going to ask me to caregive. Well she didn't do that, thank the cosmos! I'm also making a hard rule for myself......that there's to be no more last minute requests for CG'ing, either, as she'd did for 4th of July, on the 2nd. Besides, most of the caregiving hasn't been for a big emergency.....only to let her have time off, to go be w/the beau, or grandkids. It appears, that she manages to do this during her work week and weekends, hiring paid caregivers.

Have a safe bus ride,
I wish you strength,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sandwich,

What an ordeal you had to endure with your mom's birthday!
That's rather strange, don't you think an attendant giving you attitude because you didn't want to go in to wipe your mom. After a day like that, I'd have a drink too.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo, so glad you got your symptoms figured out, and that you're feeling better. And yay! About your matching rings!

Another hot humid day with a slight chance of rain. We sew getting monsoonal drift over California from Arizona...very nasty.

My two year old great nephew connected his mom (my niece) and me this morning.
He got a hold of her cell phone, and selected my number from the contact list.
We had a good laugh behind this, and we loved it, had a good conversation.
She's my controlling sister's eldest daughter, but is a very nice young woman, and very intelligent. It made my morning.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Loo~You are getting much more involved now. It can be a struggle balancing it all especially from a distance.
Sandwich~The attendant giving you attitude was really out of place...not to demean her job, but this is part of her role as an attendant, caregiver. That is why your mom is there, to be care for. Even if your mom was wanting only you to do it for her....wondering if she just pulls this on you when you are there, but takes care of business on her own when you aren't there. Thanks for info on the book...I am interested and will look into ordering it myself. I always just assumed with my mom that her saying she did not say or do something was just part of her denial that she was not perfect.
Joan~Happy to hear you have figured out your symptoms and hoping you are getting better each day. How exciting to design your own rings!!! I hope when the big event happens, you post pics on f/b. I would love to see the pics of your happy day!!
Glad~This research into Alzheimer's is great. The earlier the diagnosis the better....if the person is accepting of it. Because of my family history with Alz, I would gladly have the test for early diagnosis so I can plan my future with my hubs.
Margeaux~How cute of your great nephew!!! Glad you had that conversation with your niece.

I am still decluttering, LOL!! Clothing that needs to be discarded, etc. Hubs is still driving the rental car, waiting for repairs on his truck and having the air bag reinstalled. Do not drive a vehicle after the air bag has been deployed....can mess up the steering on your vehicle. Fortunately this did not happen to my hubs, but he was told never drive with an air bag having been deployed.

My daughter's dr. appt today was good. She will be 31 weeks on Friday. 32 weeks is the first goal to get to...better yet is 35-36 weeks. Not working has really reduced the stress on her body.

Because of the new contract that was passed last autumn, I may have lost a week of vacation time.Instead of having 2 weeks this year, I may only have 1 week. Trying to figure out how I am going to work that out so I can go Idaho for 3 weeks. I am going to end this...I have been having problems posting since yesterday and losing my posts.

Our 87 year old has oxygen now for her asthma, and it is not related to the UTI.

This time because of my foot surgery, I can not run to the hospital,
it is too soon to do traveling by bus although the ride is only a mile, I guess he worst thing for me is the helplessness over letting them (the hospital staff) take care of her, I do not know how much she is eating or if she is drinking the water or if they even care, they said her IV is on (it is only for the antibiotics, the solution was only administrated to get a urine sample for the UTI test) but it was discontinued before she went to her room, so when they say things, I am not sure how to take it/them.

One of the worst things, I feel that can be done/dementia Alz pts. in the hospital is putting them into a bed, 24/7, when they aren't bed-ridden, she doesn't have the ability to call the nurse so I am not sure, how she is getting to the washroom, or if they are just letting her go in the bed...they have her ankles wrapped for massage ... so even if she could, she can't, not even bedside...

I have observed over the last decade an increase in people having sensitivity issues due to the situations they are going through. So my questions...............

Are we expected to so completely informed on all that is going on in the society or world? I admit...there is so much going on in the world we live in, how can one possibly know all and be informed on all? Because one is not informed, does that give others the right to call one ignorant and ill informed?

Both my parents had Alz. My father passed in 2003, my mother is still progressing with this disease. Should I call out people who have no knowledge of Alz/dementia? Should I say something to them to make them feel they are ignorant or ill informed? Lets face it, we are tuned into what affects us personally. So why all the sensitivity when you ask a question about their condition?