notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Feels good to have things finally moving forward. It has only been two months, but seems like an eternity. Hard to get things done and work full time too. Now, to just keep my remaining sanity for a bit longer...
Thanks for listening
Christine
Another day and a $ worth of pay and trouble, LOL!! Co-worker called in sick, 2 people down already, very hectic even though customer service is very slow. Not sure corporate or the store really cares...but still trying to work in a manner that policies are followed without being hard nosed about it.
Sis called me at the tail end of my shift so I called her back after I clocked out. She did not sound happy that I called her instead of listening to the message...it was only 5 minutes later. We had made plans on Monday to have lunch with mom tomorrow and go to the mall since mom likes to browse the stores. I could have gone to the mall on Tuesday, my day off..but I postponed it for tomorrow since sis agreed. When I called her tonight, she wanted to meet for lunch with mom at noon. I mentioned about going to the mall and it being hot....she said oh...we have to go to the mall for the lotion?....Well, I haven't been feeling well, can we play it by ear? I was irritated and disappointed since I could have gone on Tuesday. So I said let's just have lunch at noon then and see what happens. She said, are you sure, we can have lunch earlier. I said no, noon is fine.
The way I am seeing this is...sis called me late thinking I was traveling home and would not answer the phone. She did not want to talk to me because she knew she was bailing on me for what ever the reason and she wanted to control the outcome. Sis not feeling well is not a problem, I get that...just don't try to control the situation to your advantage because you don't want to deal with me. If I could go to this particular store without going to the mall, I would. I am giving up a big part of my day off for this...so I will go to the mall to get the body lotion before we have lunch. Next time she wants to go the mall, I am not going to be available.
Reality has come to roost in front of you. You're not as appreciated as you thought. And now, you're seeing them as using you or taking advantage of your good nature, loyalty - to fill in - when you should be off. Disillusioned and Disappointed with your work/company/fellow co-workers.
That's how I felt when my boss was going to lay me off last year. Fortunately for me, his co-partner (the money man) stopped him from doing it. That was My Reality. Since then, I've mentioned it here. Saving as much as I can before I'm laid off. I'm working on not being resentful or bitter of them. Because they still were and are good employers. I think he's feeling bad. That's why he's offered to pay for my ticket to anywhere I want to go - last year - and now again this year. I have absolutely no desire to get on any airplanes. With the rate everything is going on, I don't want to become a statistic.
re food - I get instructions of how to make pies. Dammit ladies - I am 76 yrs old. If I haven't learned how to make a pie by now, I never will. Actually, I mostly buy them as with the wheat allergy I cant have regular flour in the house and making GF (gluten free) is more expensive than buying. *Sigh* - used to make great pastry...
Christine - I am hallelujahing with you, though September is a while off yet. Hang in there!!!
Sharyn - control issues with sis again. Not being available is always a good plan with people like that.
Margeaux - you seem to be doing well with that one.
I remember at the beginning of this thread, I think, someone asked why they got stuck with the job of looking after mum when there were a number of sibs.
My answer was that it was because they were available. You read again and again on AC where family members make themselves unavailable and get out of a lot of work that way, so it is left to the one(s) who stay available.
Re being dependable and always showing being willing to go the extra mile, my experience at work is that it only got more work piled on me, until I said no. Other employees doing the same job got away with doing much less and were left alone and never asked to do extra. You get much further ahead by schmoozing the boss than by working hard.
Book - tough spot to be in. You are wise to be cautious.
On an entirely different note - I am sooooo proud of G. Last night we heard screaming from the street and G rushed out to see what was going on. He returned and grabbed a rake and disappeared around the corner. Seems people were out walking their dogs, and some guy had his pit bull off the leash and it went for a couple of other dogs (on the leash) and ended up locked onto the face of a boxer. The boxer's owner got bitten in the process, and G had to use the rake to pry the pit bull's jaws open to get it off the boxer. Some blood around. G told the guy he should have the dog put down and that if he ever saw that dog on the street again he would kill it himself. It could have been a child. There was a child being strolled by another lady and she was very upset by the whole thing. The guy who tried to get his dog off, but had no control over him, would not tell G where he lived and disappeared down the street. G called the cops and reported it. What bothered us, apart from the dog and his owner, was that other people were standing on their porches watching but they didn't do anything. The two ladies involved were screaming - literally and people just watched. I was concerned that it was a bear - not sure which would be worse.
Many cities and counties here have disallowed pit bulls to be kept as pet. It is against the law and fines as well as removal of the pet from the premises are enforced because of potential for injury to pets and people.
The insurance adjuster is coming again on Monday to take another look and "hopes to get this resolved". I hope so too. Still no estimate from the contractor. The adjustor has been trying to talk me out of making a claim, saying it wouldn't be worth it with the increase in premium. It is not his job to do that. Get me the estimate and I will decide what is worth it. Without a estimate from them I cannot approach the city. It was their sewer problem so I should be able to get something from them. Aaaargh!
Have a good day everyone - despite the aggravations in your life.
I'm on dog-walking duty with Guy laid up for another few weeks. Zach, our Staffie, is wonderfully well-behaved - entirely trustworthy with elderly cats and cheeky chickens, for example - but even so I worry and won't let him off the lead in public. Bull terriers of all kinds are too strong, too intelligent and too lethal to take any chances with - if anything God forbid happened with another dog, even if he wasn't the aggressor, it would still be his fault and therefore mine. And with pit bulls the temperament is warped in the egg - there is just no way of making them safe to be around.
Did you report the incident to the police? I suspect they'd be out looking for that dog with a rifle.
Hm. I think your mother's social worker has a lot to learn, don't you? Time to pull the drawbridge up there. Why can't she look on you as she would your mother's accountant? - she wouldn't be expecting him to cosy up, now, would she?
Anyone got any thoughts on Christine Anne Lawson's book about BPD mothers? It's quite expensive - I'd like to hear feedback before I buy.
cm - bears - they are wild creatures and therefore unpredictable. Yes, they are trainable, but can still be dangerous. Out at the plants this spring, a woman was killed and consumed by a bear - in full sight of others who were trying to help her and chase off the bear. It had been sighted wandering around the work camp several times that day and no one did anything. I believe her family are suing, which they should. As I mentioned, the police were not too concerned about this dog. That bothers me. It is dangerous.
Yes, the SW has things to learn One of them is to listen to the people she deals with. I will call her Monday with some concerns. I started feeling sorry for mother as she looks pretty pitiful, but then thought better of it as she has made a series of bad choices which have landed her in her current position, and as G has said, there is a healthy dose of pig headedness in the mix too.
hi chuck - I live in northern Alberta Canada where sighting dangerous animals is a common event. Perhaps that desensitizes us. We have bear warnings on the trail across the street each summer, (though none so far this year though) and I have seen bear a block or two away from the house. What a nasty experience you had with the pit bull!
G is on the phone right now with animal control. They got the report from the police this morning. No one else has reported it. They don't have enough to go on in terms of tracking the dog down, so nothing can be done at present. The owner would not give any information and disappeared as quickly as he could. I hope he has had a wake-up call and keeps that animal on a leash from now on.
Thanks for the feed back re work. I thinBook-k I am going to take a different approach this time.
Book-The last few days my neck and shoulders hurt quite badly. Headache the whole thing...last night I layer on the floor and had hubs apply pressure on my spine from my neck down. Myback popped in 3 places...no pain this morning. Have you considered see int a chiropractor for your neck? If your insurance covers it...give it a try.
I had posted something to you regarding G's mother, the tacky topic of bringing up his ex. I don't know what happened to it. That's so terrible. I've had this happen to me. Hopefully she won't bring that up again. However, if she does, maybe you could say something such as, "His ex is his past, I'm his present girl friend/wife,
and you can be sure that one day I will make "poor G," a rich man/husband."
Yes, and I am aware how carefully you have to pick your words since it is his mother.
The pit bull story, oh my! Yes, they are definitely IMO, house pet kind of dogs.
Even when an owner knows their temperament, they can be like Chow's,
it can turn on a dime, especially when they are around unfamiliar people.
We have an ordinance regarding them, and it's in favor of keeping them on leashes and muzzled. But I live in a beach community.....and you always see enough of them w/their owners going for walks on the beach, even a popular populated beachside promenade area. That was brave of G, to go to the rescue.
I understand about your feelings towards the SW, and her desire to get your more involved. Well, you know how to handle it, so that's good. You do have a lot going on in your own life, and it's best that we take care of that first and foremost of all,
of which I know you do quite well.
Hang in there,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Well absolutely nothing changes with your sister, does it!
I can't believe someone who must be recovering, since she just had a hospital stay, wouldn't just say, "I'll stay home, til I feel up to it."
You switching up days off, and she changing plans on you, must not make you feel good about this at all.
Maybe what you need to pay attention to, is how many times you feel as if you're having to turn down those Saturday's off at the deli. If I'm hearing you correctly too....you feel very loyal to the company. But always bear in mind that many times this has nothing to do with whether they would transfer you where you prefer to be, either. Certainly, if you want to work your days off because it's extra hours and want to, that's one thing. But you shouldn't feel so bad, I mean if it's a day off, you're under no obligation to do that each and every time you are asked, that's up to you.
She reminds me so much of my sister with different details. My sister always has 3 other things up her sleeve whenever she's asked that I go watch mom.
Two weeks ago, some of the extra things had to do w/their household issues.
I don't live there, so I feel I shouldn't be asked to participate in it. This has become my limit now.
It's back to the boundaries, so we don't feel as if we are being exploited.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
You are so sweet. You really sound as if your heart is in the right place with the lady. I'm so sorry about the fact she's been in the hospital.
But, you are nursing your surgery still. Be careful with that too, because this way you'll still be good to go w/your charge. My neighbor had venous surgery a year ago. She didn't do some things that I know she should have been doing, such as trying to walk a little. Now about a year and a half later.....she's having a very hard time.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
How goes it?
Wow! So dad, couldn't do it? Yes, I think that for some people....it's not as simple as it may appear. You're also dealing with a man who doesn't like doing things for himself on top of it.
I know it made me very nervous the thought of having to trouble shoot catheter problems with my husband last year. I witnessed how 2 nurses couldn't insert it properly, and it caused him pain. Delicate area!
I totally understand how you may not feel comfortable doing something of the sort,
because he is your dad.
I hope you get the visiting nurses squared away.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
We spent all afternoon with mom, had a nice lunch on the assisted living side then hung out in mom's room visiting.Mom's new normal is increased confusion, not able to pronounce words correctly The caregiver said she needs more assistance especially in the mornings. Instead of getting dressed and coming out to the dining room on her own, she continues to stay in bed and they have to go in and wake her up to get her dressed and out for breakfast. Breakfast is at 9am, not real early. I hate to add more meds, but wondering if we added Aricept along with the Namenda, if it might help her, or increasing the antidepressant. It is hard seeing her this way, this disease is so hard to deal with emotionally...I guess because it affects a persons brain and not their body until later stages, at least with my parents this has been the route it takes.
Good news is the tea tree oil is working wonders on my mom's toenail fungus. The nails do not have that discolored look any more, plus the dirty, thick skin build up on her big toes is looking so much better. It is still cracked but no longer looks dirty.
After lunch, sis and I took mom out front to smoke a cigarette. The activities director came out, she recognized me and called out Hi Sharyn, coming over to talk with us. She is such a great energetic person, so positive and a great memory!! She asked about my daughter having twins...I updated her on that. She talked about how sweet my mom is, goes with the flow, never a problem!!! I started laughing and she looked confused saying, she is not really like this??? I said it is the dementia, she wasn't always like this. However, her being like this now, allows us to make good memories with her. She said, oh I understand. My mother and I butted heads and did not get along at all. As she aged and needed help, I told her things would be this way or I would not help. She set the boundary and her mother accepted it. She said they became best buddies during the last 10-15 years her mother was alive She did not have dementia.
Take care and enjoy some time for yourself everyone!
In the two days that she has been home, her eating which was slow is slower, getting her to drink water is a chore, she always agrees, but the behavior doesn't change. i am not at my wits end but I do not know how to solve the problem, because she doesn't get it that 2 and a half hours has passed.
She doesn't want the oxygen because she says she doesn't need it, so she takes it off. She is suppose to be on 2 liters during activity, but she was never active to begin with and nothing at rest. We did get her to go to the gym and ride the incumbent bike and she likes that, I guess is this a new "norm" ? If it is, I feel drained and a home nurse will be here today, between 12 and 2, we are still trying to keep her at home. Any suggestions? I would ask this as a separate question, but some of us are on those other, question sites and I figured, I could ask you, as I am not speaking with dys. sibs (her children). Thanks.
My mother was diagnosed with COPD in 2007. She has never progressed...she gets spirva once a day. In the beginning of the diagnosis, she had a breathing machine for treatments once a day that she did in the evenings. My mother only had shortness of breath during the summer months upon activity such as doing yard work. The cooler months in spring and autumn, all winter she had no symptoms.
As far as eating and drinking goes, do you sit with her during the entire time she is eating so she doesn't feel like she has eat alone. I ask because I know you have many other things to tend to throughout the day and taking that time to sit with her is time consuming. Maybe mix things up a bit as far as the food goes. smaller meals more often, is swallowing a problem...maybe making soft foods only, If she has no dietary restrictions give her what she likes best even if it means giving her dinner for breakfast (left overs of course) and breakfast for dinner. As for drinks, maybe crystal light, gatorade, or even propel zero (has no sugar but is still a slightly sweet drink with b vitamins). Does she have a special cup or glass to drink from, maybe a straw would help. Use bright colored napkins and paper plates, music during eating time or some soothing sounds, also one other drink is that for children they have pedilyte...is their an adult version of it? Hang in there and Hugs to you!!
Through the years she has self talk that served her well, but its not not serving her well anymore and although I am not an expert, but know her well, I believe she has senior anorexia. Couple that with undiagnosed autism which is "aloneness and sameness" her picky desires are enough to make a grown person frustrated to say the least.
In the hospital, she feeds the people a bunch of stuff and they believe whatever she says, she does not know anymore what she is talking about. She doesn't realize that her actions and stuff have consequences, I liken it to a drunken stupor, high on attention, my Sarah Bernhardt. It seems in the hospital they do not do things like they used to and things are so lax...while she was waiting to be discharged she did not even have a Styrofoam cup full of water she had two hospital gowns on and five blankets, she was dehydrated while having a UTI.
Her dinner at 6:00 was not touched, I picked her up at 8:30 because I went to a wake and then we could not leave because her saturation level was 92 and because she was going home with oxygen, she had to driven by ambulance. Yes in the hospital she looked awful...but I think they just do not care...they see everything, does it matter if a patient goes home? or to a nursing home? or to a morgue?
Anyway the nurse came here today. She doesn't need the oxygen her sat is 98 at rest and 92 when she walks and she is not in any kind of respiratory distress. What I do know is that if you do not get her to dispel the air from her lungs she cannot take the Advair into her lungs and she fakes it kind of how people used to fake smoking, you knew that they didn't inhale...same thing with her and Advair.
About the eating, either she doesn't know how long she is sitting there, she doesn't care how long she is sitting there or she thinks that I won't be vigilant enough and she can go to her anorexic ways. I make a habit of observing her when we are in a restaurant where she can order whatever she wants, she won't do it, I will have whatever you are having she will say, but at first opportunities she signals the waiter to come take it no matter what the meal is, even if they once were her favorites. It is almost like she wants to sabotage her eating anyway she can so she can get her way on the anorexia issue. Does not matter if they are small or large meals it was over two hours today for a small bowl of cereal, a small yogurt, a cup of coffee and water, I thought I would crawl out of my skin. When she ate her lunch (over two hours) she chewed but did not swallow the content but created piles of a b c food, that she tries to mask as debris, much like a child that only wants to eat dessert, that is not happening.
She spits out Pedialyte she does the same for Gatorade she won't drink Ensure, I guess I will have to go back to making the shakes with yogurt, orange Julius, etc, but she does not want to drink either, but she says she does not want to go into a nursing home, but she does not want to save herself. She does not listen to reason and when you talk louder, she say can you talk any louder in a snotty way, there seems to be no winning...so this evening I decided that an eating intervention would happen...I figure if there was behavior modification to be done, I would try it at home. One thing I notice is that she does not do the 1. fill spoon 2. put utensil in mouth, 3 eat contents and swallow 4. get a new spoonful and repeat.
She does, 1. Fill the spoon, 2. only eat half the amount, 3. doesn't eat the contents in her mouth 4. fiddles with spoon in bowl, 5, puts cereal on spoon again, 6 while chewing still, eats a small amount, This is here eating cream of wheat. So I decided to tell her to put this much on the spoon, put the whole amount in her mouth, swallow, new spoon, she was done in less than 10 minutes, much to my surprise and she went to bed at her normal time...
Now she has already been checked out, this eating isn't really new, it is only taking longer, she has nothing wrong with the throat, nothing wrong with the denture or oral sores, she doesn't have pain or even arthritis.
i tried to get her to eat pureed cause I listen to the blogs here and thought she was in some stage, but she wasn't having any of it...applesauce yes, pureed meat no, Pureed green beans no! No way!, if she was a kid I think they would have her in behavior modification, i am going to check on it.
Anybody from the UK? People we need a site like this in the US, their stuff is centrally located by tab was reading through, earlier today.
I felt nervous making the call to not use oxygen, her guardian says with the reports I made
"You would make a really good nurse.
Thank You.
Funny that made my day!
She really never wanted to have a caregiver, because she thinks she doesn't need one...and still thinks she doesn't need one, but is in moderate to late stage Alzheimer's. She doesn't like her hair being combed, but once done likes the way it looks, I cannot tell you one aspect of caring for her that goes uneventful.
I talk with her about what I know about her family, her life, her children, the memories she told me in spurts, about living in Austria during the war, etc. when I first lived in the building (2005) and does not talk about anymore...mostly everything is a no! No shower, no food, no clean clothes, no change of underwear, but these are the duties, all of these are done daily, no one really mentions their duties or maybe they did earlier on before the link went to the dysfunctional sibs, I do not know how different her life is to others or my life in regards to all of yours.
Her children are so dysfunctional, I am really on my own.
For her it is instruction through every function of daily living, I am not ordering her, or authoritarian, I am talking/walking her through it...much like when you encourage children to use the bathroom, wash their hands (with soap), get your coffee, and cereal, she likes doing the activities, but she has to be directed.
She doesn't have other issues, just that she has asthma and now emphysema, but you have to be behind her or she will go to her bed and sit on the edge, like some children did when they were punished.
When people talk with her she just agrees with whatever people say even if what people say is not the truth.
She still knits, plays Mensch argere Dich Nicht, a German version of Sorry, at night she goes to bed with a German magazine and as long as she is in her routine, gets together at the senior Luncheon once a month, but you have to encourage most of the day, with children they outgrow it but for her, it dies not change...and when you tell people that she has dementia Alz, they want to tell you how it effects her, or what she needs...
Thanks ahead of time for letting me calm down and take this time for myself.
I can NOT get there until Saturday. So, this will wait until then. It will have to.
My husband will help me, and I really appreciate that. It's gonna get ugly. On the bright side, she will probably be so angry that I won't need to do the whole Happy Birthday thing for her in a few weeks. Ha. Ha.