
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
A flat tire may not stop her, if she doesn't notice it, she will drive anyway.
I was a chump to believe that she understood the situation and the consequences. She said all the right things to me, after several conversations where I thought it finally clicked for her. I thought she would know not to drive and that, in a few weeks, I'd donate the car. But she probably doesn't understand, and doesn't care. She's outraged and feels like she's the victim.
I wonder what will come next, once we're finally done with "car-gate"? (Watergate, get it? Lol...)
I don't know when my mom drove last, but I'm sure it was mid October 2013. She did not care one whit if she killed somebody in an accident. I lost it once and told her that if she killed somebody because she's so stubborn too stupid to quit driving, that I would NOT bail her out of jail and I would NOT pay for a court attorney, and I would NOT visit her in prison. That shut her up for a couple weeks.
By then, we had gotten there to do the move, and she never got behind the wheel of a car again. The good people of Stanly County NC will never know what I saved them from. Of course, there was a month or so of rage about me not letting her drive my car. I told her she wasn't covered on my insurance and hers had been cancelled.
Mine would be verbally abusive, yell, and use loud anger to try to control the situation and people. Loud angry old women should be used as a national defense weapon.
What does she do to reject help? You name it. Anything from putting me (or others) off by saying, "I'll have to think about that." Translation--"not gonna happen." I've become a master at sneaking around her to get information and put some arrangements in place.
She will lie, make up stories (that unravel because her memory is so bad), bad mouth me to her neighbors, and so on. I've managed to maintain a fairly functional relationship with them, but still need to do a lot of explaining and air-clearing, and it's exhausting and infuriating.
And then, as things ramp up, she will REFUSE to let whoever is there to help, actually HELP. She will hover, micro-manage, claim she doesn't need/want the help, and then eventually alienate the person. I've walked a very tough line, trying to do what I can and not get shut out. But I have been shut out a bit, and anticipate more of it to come.
I don't doubt that with her, it could get to the point where she would need to be physically removed. I'll need my husband to distract her so that i can get her car keys, for instance. I think it was Pamsregman who suggested that a neighbor disconnect her garage door, and she would stand in his way to prevent it.
So, it's tough. She's her own worst enemy.
Hang in loo - you are getting there. Last year was like that for me -better now with mother in hospital - not great, but better and more manageable.
Hi ziggy - glad a couple of your sibs are helping you. Good for you re keeping records and letting the have it.
Iwent - vent away. It won't get easier. Hope you get some breaks.
hi everyone - crawling out of the "too tired to do anything" hole. Actually cleaned a couple of bathrooms and grocery shopped yesterday. Got some things sorted with the insurance adjuster today, so we should be able to move ahead shortly. Yay!!! Tomorrow I tackle the social worker and then get my nails done. Wed. another dental appointment, and need to get to the dr. for new prescriptions. In between, I tend to nap but that's OK.
Have a good one and do something good for you.
And wouldn't you know it, first thing this morning dys counselor sis sends an email about HER July birthday party that she wants to celebrate with my kids. Though she did not know about MIL yet, just terrible timing. Course I don't think she ever has good timing.
I want to go tomorrow since I have to take L to urologist on Wednesday for his second hormone injection. Just very cruddy day!
you do wonder why no one checked. I gather she didn't have one of those alert thingies
Loo, Sandwich~glad you had some laughs to relieve the stress...
It has been a day of disappointments. I put in my vacation request only to be told they can't approve it unless they can get someone to cover me....AND...all the other stores are short on employees!! Not only does this company transfer me to another city knowing I am responsible for my mother's care...now they want to deny me my vacation to help out my daughter who is having twins in another state with no other family around to help her!!! Great....just GREAT!!!
My son did his degree thesis on democracy in America. When I told my young American cousin about it he said drily: "did he find any?" :-0
I don't like the way your company is making excuses about your vacation. Is there anyone you can say to: "I feel I am being taken advantage of. Please make sure that cover is arranged and approve my request for leave." Otherwise they'll sit on their hands and do nothing about it.
It's very hard! Especially for conscientious women. I try not to make things worse for my daughter, so I don't generally say anything, but the hoops she has to jump through to take the leave she's entitled to are just ridiculous. HR sit on their fat behinds whining about how stressed they are and expect her to make all the arrangements, then turn round and say she can't take x days whenever because it interferes with their payroll systems or something stupid. I wish I knew where their office is so I could go and slap somebody. Hope you manage to get something sorted out, hugs.
I might try calling my mother, but am not sure right now. It might be best not to, but if I can get any info at all, even if it's not fact, but just her perceptions at the moment...I really don't know at this point if it's worth it to call her. I feel like she's really pushing my efforts aside, and the tough love part of me thinks it might be beneficial in the long run to just let her fall on her face--figuratively or literally, at this point I am not able to clean up every mess she gets herself into.
Also not sure if I should even mention that we're coming on Saturday (to get her car). She will probably not register the information anyway. And I know that all this drama and excitement is very fulfilling for her, in her twisted way. She's loving the attention and seeing everyone get upset. She's always been that way.
Anyway, hope everyone has a good day today. Hugs...
My brother said he could take care of Midget during the week of August 18...if and only if my vacation is approved. He is hanging in there as his wife is still having lots of emotional downs with losing her son and her mother within 2 months. Their daughter who had radical surgery due to cancer is holding her own right now...set backs have been having to have surgery due to intestinal blockage.
Just trying to keep positive right now in spite of everything going on.
I am so glad I went! Grandma was moved to hospice this afternoon, ex had to find her advance directives and he was quite busy dealing with everything else for the last two days. Now just uncertain what to do with my three day weekend.
It was refreshing to be there to just see how families can cooperate with each other. I didn't even feel uncomfortable, instead welcome.
My husband & I have had some spectacularly callous and clueless bosses over time. One of them wouldn't give my husband time off when our son was born. It was a long, difficult delivery, lost a lot of blood, and our baby had feeding issues. We had to go into the hospital to be seen and this jack*ss wouldn't let my husband take me - as if it was his decision whether we go to the hospital or not! My husband took us in anyway, since this was a baby emergency bordering on failure to thrive. Years pass, and we find out this jerk boss & his wife ended up having a special needs baby of their own. Maybe he finally understood.
I will go ask at other stores myself.. I know if I got hurt and was off for a couple months, they would get someone to cover me.