The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I had a female boss who prided herself on being on a conference call half an hour after giving birth. She expected every other woman in the office to be as detached from family and our own humanity as she was. She bragged about not crying when her aged pet was put down. I think she felt really insecure next to men, who all had wives at home to take care of that icky life thing. I always wanted to tell her that bragging about being soul-less was nothing to be proud of.

I just got a not-nice speech from older bro that left me in tears. I walked away and just went outside and tried to rationalize the pain away. He's always been like this - an emotional poison to me - why would I expect any different?

I've been trying to read a little while away from home, its been a whirlwind with non-stop activities. My dad mostly sleeps away the days in the guest room unless I get him up to take him somewhere...

Just... really effing mad and hurt at bro. Nothing new. It was a matter of time, I suppose, until he told me what he REALLY thinks of me and my efforts on behalf of our father. Its a story echoed countless times on these forums: I'm such a screw-up at this caregiving thing, he doesn't understand what's taking so long, yes he wants POA but I'm supposed to actually do THAT, TOO for him...? He has no clue. Just accusations. And he dipped deep into recent hurtful past, saying that "no one" in my family was surprised I missed Christmas holiday in Indianapolis - even though it was FIRST TIME EVER in 15 YEARS I didn't go - but basically the gist is that I'm just such a weirdo and screw up. Darn him. He's just a jerk. He's so biased and doesn't ever call out his own b.s., just that in others. I'll be back. Need to dry up these tears...

Hang in there Allison, as my therapist used to say "Don't let the bastards get you down." We realize how hard you have been trying, but it takes one to know one even in caregiving...

What an a**hole he is, Alison. big ((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))). He would get the sharp side of my tongue!

Thank you so much, lastresort. Those are good words. :-) And maybe that is the biggest problem of all - that if you haven't done this, you just don't know how difficult it can be. It does look so easy from afar.

The incident with older bro 6-7 hours ago has been the catalyst to non-stop crying all day, pretty much. I think if I had any balance in my life, anything at all that was "going my way," then it wouldn't be such a big deal? But, like other caregivers, I've completely lost myself inside of doing what needs done - or what I THINK needs done. I heard a talk on the radio during drive back to Chicago about codependency, and I contemplated the idea that I've worked myself into a corner where I cannot win?

All I can do tonight is get some rest and see what I think about it tomorrow. But I'm really tired of giving so much to this situation and getting mistreated in return. Love you guys, thanks for "being there" on a tough day like today. (((hugs)))

Thanks, emjo. We "cross posted," but thanks for your SUPPORT!!! YES, he's an a-hole of highest magnitude, that one!!! :-)

Getting a handle on codependency is very valuable. We do tend to get sucked into the lives of others and neglect our own lives.

If I were you, I would tell bro very bluntly that if he wants POA he has to work that out with your father. It is not your job to do that and you can tell him so. Who does your father want as POA? That is what is most important. Your bro is an a**hole and a bully of the highest order. That, in my view, is the biggest problem. Don't make excuses for him. His accusations went further than caregiving.

I have had to deal with helping vs enabling with the lad who is staying in the basement. I have given him to the end of the month to get out. I wanted to kick him out a month ago, but G wasn't ready. The lad helped the first couple of months, but hasn't done what he said he would since. I'll help anyone, but don't take me for granted or start using me. He sold his truck and had the nerve to ask to borrow my car, when he has done very little recently. No way, Jose'!!! Just take your stuff and go. I may find something of his that has some value and hang onto it until he pays me the rent he was supposed to be working off. Wouldn't be the first time I have sent someone packing.

Alison, you need to accept that your bro is hurtful, self centered, short sighted, ungrateful, unhealthy person, and expect that he will not change. My sis is like that and I cut her off at the pass now when she starts at me. I wouldn't stay under the same roof as she is for all the tea in China. She is toxic to me and I don't need that. We need to protect ourselves from these toxic people.

Thyroid results back and they are not what the doc predicted. He is going to be surprised. Oh well, life goes on. Hard to know what the fatigue is due to, but I am no stranger to it, and know what I have to do to build myself up. Been there done that many times.

Getting my nails done tomorrow and need them shorter. I have some mending to do. Got the crowns on my implants Yay!!! The next dental session is in 4 months. Took myself out to lunch today. G is away, so I am treating myself to very easy meals, some out etc. Gotta take my granddaughter out for her belated birthday lunch. She got glasses recently and guess what - they are much like grandma's. :-D

Alison - and everyone - do some good things for you!!!

Alison~I am so sorry your brother has spewed his toxic ways on you. What Joan has told you is very right on. ((((hugs))))!!!

Joan~Good you are standing your ground with this young man.

Today was a bad day...had to lsten to "A" flapping her lips about how she is taking her vacation to go see her parents in San Diego...she hasn't seen then in 4 years . She is only taking 4 days and has requested Sat.Sun (the last 2 day of our work weed which will be her days off for the week and requested Mon/Tues (the first 2 days of the next work week which again will be her days off for that week. Hint Hint to me...so I said, I guess I am expected to do the same as you? After all the birth of my twin grandsons is not a big deal to anyone but me and my family.The only grand children we will have because my son and his wife have fertility issues and my daughter has been told that her chances of getting preeclampsia again are high...she does not want to go through it a second time because even though she is stable...her bp could spike anytime, kidneys could start pouring protein in her urine and go into kidney failure or have a stroke. They are doing their best to ruin this for me.

I cut off the tip of middle finger on my right hand around 8:30 tonight. I finally got the bleeding stopped...no point going to ER...nothing to stitch to.

Good night everyone!!

Aww Sharyn - too late to say much, but big(((((((hugs)))) to you too and prayers for time off to help your daughter and healing for your finger.

ABB, I'm so sorry. Your brother is a ruthless person. I don't know if he would make a very good POA for your brother. He might be just as ruthless to him without being bothered about decency, compassion, empathy, etc.... Kind of scary, actually.

Your brother said those things to you for a reason. Were you showing happiness? Proud that you accomplished something? He said this On Purpose, ABB. He wanted you to be where you are now - Broken, Unsure, Worthless and Blaming yourself. ABB, you are a wonderful, loving daughter. Look, of all your siblings, who is there for your father? YOU. Screw-up? Do you really deep inside believe you're a screw-up? Look around, ABB. When you see people in the news, in prison, etc... compared to them... are you a screw-up? I Don't Think So!!!

ABB, you're brother is messing with your head. He KNOWS those words would hurt you. Why, ABB? Once you know Why he said this, you will be able to put it behind you... And in the future (like I did), avoid this brother as much as possible. I rarely go anywhere with my oldest brother. He's very very toxic when he wants something. Broke me to pieces just so that I would sign the mortgage loan. (I called the loan officer the next day and told her that my brother forced me to sign it. He did the same thing to oldest sis. She also called the loan officer and told her what happened. Needless to say, his mortgage loan for an apartment was denied.)

Sharyn, don't give up. You're brainstorming ideas might come to fruition. I agree, try the other stores. At least you know that you tried all avenues.

Emjo - I'm beginning to understand about fatigue. Except mine is not complicated as yours. Mine is so easy to remedy. Sleep! I only do 5 1/2 hours a night. It's just that with full-time job, come home late like 630-7pm, eat dinner... I don't have much me-time left. I just don't have your self-control and instinct when it comes to your health. I read yours and Jeanne's and anyone with regular health issues and the ups and downs of it, and I cringe. (terrible grammar, I know...) I chuckled when I read that granddaughter got new glasses - that looks like grandma's. =)

Alison, first thoughts on your brother not repeatable in polite society. Or even on the forum ho ho ho. I will just step outside for a second and say them in private.

Okay done that.

So. Second thoughts, sigh. "All behaviour has a positive good intention" is what NLP tells us. I used to think 'horse poo!' to that, but it irritated me enough to reflect on it a fair bit, and in the end I decided it's one of those maxims that is mainly true if you make your definitions stretchy enough. And on the plus side, it is a prod towards understanding what the silly sod is trying to achieve.

So. What is your idiot, hurtful, self-satisfied brother trying to achieve? If it's a lifelong habit (is this an older or younger brother, by the way?) then making you miserable could indeed be the aim: there is a satisfaction to be gained for him by proving to himself that nothing has changed between you. Now the thing there is, that you don't have to co-operate. Step outside of the scene. Here is a man saying hurtful (and demonstrably groundless) things to a woman. What do you make of what he's doing? What is a good way for her to receive what she's hearing? How can she most effectively reject and rebut what he is saying? Advise that woman, the one you're objectively observing.

But there are other possibilities, not necessarily instead, could be as well. Are there any specific outcomes your brother wants? The POA thing is a nonsense. POA is not 'got' by anybody; it is given, and must be given with free informed consent, by the competent person for whom it is held, i.e. your father. Anything else? What does he think would be a good situation to work towards? Do you agree with any of its aspects?

The point of being as analytical and unemotional about what exactly has happened as you can bring yourself to be (at the same time, you can always pin a photo to a dart board and fire at will) is that it makes you think in different terms about where to go next. It can change the way you're seeing it. What about the outcomes you would like? Speaking for myself, I know I usually start out thinking "I would like X to f*** off and die" but then work up to more practical and realistic ideas. Not to mention better karma cough cough.

But I'm really sad to think how unhappy your brother's attitude to you makes you. WHY does he think it's ok to be such a vicious, poisonous bully? How, and for whom, does he imagine it serves any purpose? Because whatever he is hoping for, he's picking a really stupid way to go about it. Consider him slapped. Now, what do you want to happen next?

Alison, I am sorry about your brother. I agree with the consensus, that he is an AH. My youngest sister recently said to me, after I was upset about something, "you don't need another man making you feel like sh*t about yourself..." That really stopped me in my tracks. Seems to be a tendency. I am sure you don't ever roar back at your brother...hard to do that with a bully. And because you are sensitive and likely exhausted from caregiving, you are vulnerable. Something I used to tell my son when he had bully problems, was to imagine a glass bell jar over you, made of unbreakable material, and know that you are safe inside, can't hear anything from the bully and nothing can stick to you. If that makes sense. Seemed to help him at the time. I do it sometimes too...I am at my least right now, exhausted and weepy. Anyway, just wanted to say {{{hugs}}}
Have a peaceful day,
Christine

Well, a little progress...FIL fell out of bed two nights in a row and of course has bloody gashes on both arms now. My house looks like the set from a slasher movie. Every time I think I have cleaned up everything I see another spot I missed. I have a horror of blood so Charles has to do most of the doctoring. Anyway, took the bed off the frame last night and put it on the floor in the corner, so he can only fall off one side about eight inches. And I put quilts on everything in the room to soften any edges. Most of the furniture in that room has rounded edges, anyway. Last night we had a peaceful night and everyone slept through. Whew. I feel almost normal today. Also put a piece of duct tape on the doorway to the hall to their bedrooms. To discourage FIL wandering, which is not safe. He gets into everything. I am going to get some drawer latches and childproof doorknob covers this weekend. We were going to put a gate across the hallway, but Charles was worried that that might be restraint, and so he tried the duct tape instead. I don't really see the difference, as long as it keeps him safe. I have childproofed everything I can think of, but he gets into the weirdest things. Anyway, the visiting nurse said she was going to recommend that the dr. prescribe Namenda. And something to help FIL sleep at night. I have been doing everything I can think of, to try to keep him awake during the day so he can sleep at night.

He has been eating a lot less too, says it is hard to swallow. But he will eat things he likes, with no problem. So maybe it is a nice way to say he doesn't like some of the food. I made an apple pie last night, that is always a hit with them, and has some nutritional value, as I don't use much sugar and apples are good for you. That ended the night on a happy note.

MIL has been pining, she read some things about dementia on the internet before she became unable to see, and thinks that FIL is near death. She is pretty conflicted, part of her wants him to be gone, and part of her feels lost already. I am thinking that at some point I am going to get her into a day care situation, she is extroverted and would be happier if she could talk to other people. Wish I could get her in it now, but can't leave him alone. Maybe when the afternoon person starts coming, we'll have to see because he is likely to try to get out of the house and wander around looking for her.

Home health nurse says he will no longer be eligible for services per Medicare after August. Not sure why, and I am not up to fighting the system right now. :-}

I have been reading the posts here, and am sending you all a hug...
Have a peaceful day
Christine

Is it weird to feel a little bit of sadness along with relief, when you realize that your actions will most likely kill the last shreds of a civil relationship with your mother, whom you don't even like anyway? Knowing that my mother will be so outraged, and feel so deceived and betrayed by me taking her car away. She's always played the victim, and now she's so terribly confused--there's no way she'll understand, and I really doubt she'll accept and adjust. It really stinks to be in a position where you're supposed to be trusted, and you ARE trustworthy, but it'll never be recognized -- or appreciated. And it keeps getting worse. I'm becoming even MORE of an enemy to her. I thought I had put this issue to bed, but evidently not yet.
I promise, I'll be onto a new subject as soon as this is done!

looloo, I really feel your pain, and my mom is not even diagnosed with dementia, just narcisissm. She keeps telling me she trusts me then has the 92 year old dad listed as POA so I won't take her money. What? I am an only child. If I take her money now I will have to take care of her later, she can have the cash, I don't need the aggrivation. Huggs!

I think there was some really great advice/perspectives thrown out to me by you guys... I appreciate all of you so much, even just a "sorry you're dealing with this" statement is much appreciated. I've been mulling over why the conversation with older bro, C, went the way it did. I'm going to take more time and soak up the really good ideas you all have put out here.

In the meantime, boy am I glad to be back home. It all went pretty well until the last day.

Sharyn, I have to believe that your employer will work with you to get appropriate time off for birth of the grands. Seems everything about your work environment is drama. I feel for you, but really don't have any advice. I've worked in places before where coworkers always created drama in one fashion or another, so I think I understand... and unfortunately, I think it is fairly common. Hang in there and hope your finger is healing up?

Emjo, sorry you have to kick out the slacker tenant. You made me realize that, unless you know someone very, very well, things can change and they can begin to take advantage of you. I mention this specifically because I've thought about having a friend (really just any acquaintance of mine, no one in particular in mind at this time, just an idea) come to stay in one of the extra bedrooms here just to get help with some of the heavy lifting and clean out of remaining items in the house here. But, you made me realize that unless I know them really well, all of the "agreements" we make beforehand could be useless. Hm. Sorry you're dealing with someone like that. Sounds like you're getting it handled, but its unfortunate he couldn't just complete his end of agreement.

Camaryllis, you just keep hanging in there! You're getting hit with something new every day, it seems. But, you're smart and creative. I sure hope things get figured out for your situation soon. I may have missed some posts. I thought you were putting FIL in nursing facility where he could be adequately taken care of, but maybe things have been changed? Its not an easy, or quick, decision to make.

Looloo, lastresort, I sympathize. And looloo, I can't speak for anyone else, but I think it takes as long as it takes to work out the lifetime of regrets that we have that things aren't a different way. I think we can accept what is, and still have sadness and regret that it isn't/wasn't different.

CM, your post has been catalyst for me to analyze some things... you and book... and I am realizing I likely can't just go ahead and railroad my father into taking my older bro as POA. My father feels much like I do about my older bro - that bro is narrow minded and too controlling of others. I will discuss with my dad more about POA and ASK HIM (what a concept!) what he wants to do. I'm just afraid he will say he wants me to serve as POA. He's pretty much said as much already. My family seems to think I have ulterior/money motives at times, which is ludicrous, and I just... I just don't know... about any of that right now. Discuss with dad first, explain options and meaning of POA, go from there.

Love you guys, "hello" to anyone I missed, and (((hugs))) to all. Have a great weekend!!!

ABB, I'm working on my self esteem, self confidence. I have a book titled The Language of Courage and Inner Strength. It applies to me. But I also thought of you as I read it. I think the first 2 sentences fit all of us caregivers. If you really think about it. Every new thing dealing with caregiving, we had to learn quick on how to deal with it...despite our fears and disgust and stomach-heaving moments. We still did it. I'm not exactly crazy about the 2nd sentence. For me, every new gross stuff, I wanted to still avoid the next gross stuff. Attitude.

Example, when mom got her trache installed, I refused to suction it or clean it for a month. Because older sis was going back to Colorado, I was forced to learn. I hated it and all those years I never got used to it. But, I got efficient in it that I could do the deep throat suction.

You have gone through this - with the house, the mold, finding and fighting the trustees to do something. So, remember, we're all growing one way or another. Something that we never did before, we're now doing it. You did Great, ABB. You've made so much progress. Unfortunately, you didn't have the feedback from your family to help you see it.

-----------------------------------------------

This is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt:
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this... I can take the next thing that comes along."

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

Alison,

I'm really sorry about this scene with your brother????
What a royal jerk!!!!! You have been given great advice by many here.
In years past my mom didn't bully me, however she did put a lot of pressure to always that my sister and me jump through hoops for her, doing any and all domestic chores, while she was working full time. But she sure had us under her control. Her narcissistic sister was much worse than mother ever was, and she was the bonafide bully. Before I ever knew what bullying was, or even knew what to call it, I must say I was always thrown for a loop by the things my aunt would say, to me or others in the family. But finally, in both instances, first with mom, I just point blank came out and told her where it was at with me, and that I was an adult now, and her need to control my life was just not going to work anymore. After that....she backed off. She every now and again may have thought she was still going to get her way with me, but it didn't affect me anymore. In the old days, it affected me quite a bit. I always felt guilty towards my parents, and I just became very tired of it. So one day I asked myself, why in the world are you giving your power away to these crazy people?????
Concerning my aunt, well that was a different story. As she got older, she was always aggressive, only hadn't aggressed towards me. But when I was a young adult, she started in on me. Anyway, with her it was something rather new for me. Heck that old bat threw shoes at me on my way out of mother's house one morning at 7:30 a.m.. I was on my way to work. So with her I really had to stand my ground, and one day I even had to get into a fist a cuff's of sorts with her, I couldn't believe it!!

Anyway, I know you feel vulnerable and sensitive right now.
But somewhere, somehow please don't give into the "he's always been this way, is never going to change." That goes without saying. Really in these situations I'm afraid that the ones that need to change are we, who are unfortunately their victims.

Never doubt in your self,
Courage!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thank you Alison-I think they will too. My manager said she cant approve it unless there is someone to cover me and she wanted to take her vacation the week before me but cant because there is no one to cover her. I have to d'estaing myself since my emotions take over and I am sensitive. I am just working at not letting my emotions go overboard.

My daughter fired her original Dr who hositalized her. She has been seeing an associate Dr since...the reason being the original Dr was using scare tactics to get compliance and my daughter wanted none of that. Her Dr told her yesterday she is very happy with how far my daughter is now at 32 weeks(the boys are over4lbs now). She wont let her go longer than 37 weeks but the boys could still come sooner depending on the preeclampsia.
LTC. Not OTC.
I have an appt with the Otc nurse to evaluate my mom on Monday.

Kindle is acting up.

I just found this thread, so I hope it's okay that I post here with my story:)
I am 28 years old and living with mom and brother (23) until next July, when I should be engaged and living with my boyfriend. My family is the definition of toxic. I no longer speak to my dad (emotionally abusive, physically abusive to mom, and a severe hoarder), cousin (is living on the streets and wants no help) and step brother and sister in law. I can get along with Mom when my brother is not around.
My mom is a "stable" stage four breast cancer patient, she has been stable for about two months and has had cancer four years. She has almost died multiple times and has had multiple surgeries. My brother has a girlfriend he won't dump who calls Mom the c--- with cancer and calls me fat Voldemort. He steals and lies.
I have memories of my Mom hitting me with a newspaper telling me to go find a job when I was 15, but my brother has never stayed too long with a job. I have never been as "good" as he is to anyone in my family. My cousin who was on welfare and him were treated much better than myself, and I feel like it was always due to my weight. Even though I have a masters degree, a good job, and my boyfriend has a phD, I am still not good as my brother according my my mom.
My brother does not accompany her to any chemos, surgeries, or appointments. Two surgeries he actually left the state for. My boyfriend had to sit in the PreOp with my mom until I could get there. My mom is nice to me when my brother is not around, but yells and screams at me when he is home...like she's trying to impress him.
I am terrified of being alone with her when she dies. I always thought my brother would help but I know now I can't expect that. I know he will come to her funeral crying the loudest too! I am so scared I will be alone when this happens, and I always thought all sibs should help out and be there for each other. I guess I just asked for too much:(

Flash you are in the right place. We understand the toxic family thing. Lots of good advice and love on this board, Hugs and hang in there, don't let the turkeys get you down!

I haven't had time to read...any, sorry...
they are asking me to feed her every two hours, she is doing breathing exercises, exercises in the bed, exercises at the counter-top, among the other things of daily living, she does not need the oxygen, her follow up is this Tuesday.

I ordered a fingertip measure of her oxygen content and quite frankly, I am over exhausted by the time consumption, there is no more ME time, and I have my own recovery to do.

I am going to ask her asthma doctor if he would recommend rehab, the teaching of breathing while walking is in through the nose, out the mouth, it looks like she holds her breath instead of breathing and she is not having an asthma attack, I just do not know,what to do. Whether she is eating this way or the other almost makes no difference quite a bit of daily time just spent eating...it is like watching paint dry.
On Tuesday i will be going to the craft shop, I thought getting her into a new hobby would be good idea, because she will have to do something she has not done before. I thought she could go through the steps of turning an unfinished box into a jewelry box, complete with sanding, felt and decoupage. She would certain;y have to use her body in a different way, then sitting and knitting...although she only does this for an hour here or there it is one of her OCD's.
Thanks everybody, her family is MIA.

MIL still hanging in there. She sleeps most of the time with only minutes of eyes open. Breathing has become very slow. Just cannot believe she has not passed after a week in hospice. Makes me wonder if there should be more aggressive ways to end this for her. It is obvious she will never come out of this it is extending her life while everybody waits for the inevitable. Everybody is exhausted.

Did get away for two days of my three day weekend. It is nice to have some ME time though MIL is hanging heavily. Back to Mom tomorrow.

Glad, I hope for your MIL's sake and family's sake that her struggle ends sooner rather than later. But it does seem that, for some, the body's natural impulse to keep itself alive keeps working long after it "should." It could be a lengthy dying process. I hope and pray that it will not be. (((Hugs))) to you and family.

Thank you, Alison. Your brother is something else, isn't he! He does his belittling of you to relieve his guilt. And geez, if your Dad gives him his POA's he will make your life miserable. Do not help your Dad get that done. Do you want his POA? That would make the most sense. Or is there a friend or other relaive that would do it? These things need to be taken care of before something happens. Or find a geriatric care manager that will make decisions, or an attorney, anyone other than your brother.

MIL passed this morning. So very proud of my children!

Glad-iam sorry. Your mil is now at peace and that is some comfort inspite of the loss you and your children are feeling.

I am feeling very grateful right now, for having the entire day to unplug. Just housework to do, no one but my dog and me at home, it's very nice.
My husband and I successfully got the car away from my mother yesterday. Without her consent, because she would never give it. I let her know we's be coming by "very briefly" because we'd be in area, but had to get home ASAP. She comprehends very little--any disruption is confusing for her. But in less than 5 minutes, I gave my husband her car key (without her seeing), I distracted her while he went into the garage, and he just drove the car away. Then I told her that he took the car to get it serviced, and I'd call her when it was ready, but it would be "a while." She didn't accept any of this easily. Questions, confusion, more questions. I just repeated my prepared answers and bolted out the door, to my car, and drove off.
She called 3 times yesterday, claiming to be worried about me-but she's never called unless she's upset about something happening to her. I knew she didn't understand what I told her, and repeated again, but I was so exhausted from the stress that I ignored her subsequent calls.
This week, I'll have to hammer home the fact that she CAN NOT legally drive EVER AGAIN, and that the car will be sold or donated. She's been lying to me for weeks, claiming she has a 'restricted' license, and all sorts of other stories since she's been obsessing over this (and therefore, so have I). I haven't called her out on any of it, but will have to this week, and hopefully put an end to this latest saga.
I know so many of you deal with so much worse, but the stress of this is incredible. Being able to have no interaction with any other human being for an entire day today is such a blessing.