The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad,

I'm so sorry for the passing of your MIL.
It was a good thing that you were able to see her when you visited, and that went well. May her spirit soar very high!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hugs to Glad who worked hard for the benefit of her MIL with so many obstacles. Now your MIL will rest in peace in one world, and you in ours while still here. You will once again express your handle name, won't you? Well, we are glad you are here, too.

Good news for daughters of dysfunctionals: I am experiencing a better relationship with the queen mother after years of learning how to carve out my own peace, set firm boundaries, overcome my own anger, let go of the painful past, and try to enjoy what's good about Mom. In doing so, I am so surprised to find she is showing more signs of respect for me, able to find her comfort zone within my boundaries, and more love is seeping through our torn and tattered relationship. I am feeling more relaxed and less on edge and defensive. The more I seem positive and caring and ignore any behavior I don't like, the more relaxed she is and the better time we have. She also has expressed appreciation of whatever I do for her, which she didn't do before when she was demanding and I was angry, passive, and resentful.

So now we gals have to ask ourselves: perhaps I can take responsibility for my part in dysfunctional families now that I am an adult? I can't change anyone but my own attitude and behavior in this present. The more I set my boundaries without anger or revenge or any muddy feelings for her to react to, the happier I am, the freer I am. Way to go!! At long last...My own fear had held me hostage all my life.

With the help of my daily and constant introspection, detachment, distancing, boundary setting, and trying out how much compassion and kindness can I now try on for size, I find I am moving on to learning about other areas of my life I might claim and improve upon. For example: boundary setting with clients, charging more for my time, taking charge of my work life...

What kinds of things have YOU discovered about how dys. family patterns affect your life outside of the caregiver relationship?

glad, sympathy on the passing of your MIL

See if I can remember
Thank you, Margeaux, Judda, Sharyn, Book, Emjo, Last, Alison, and everybody else. It was a stressful week for sure. All are feeling relieved that she is now at peace. My son had stayed with her last night, at 5:15 am she was still breathing very noisily, son said. Then he fell asleep, finally, when nurses came in to check her at 6:15 am she was gone. This is the first death my children have had to encounter so closely, but made me realize what wonderful people they are and not children any longer oldest 37, youngest 30. I haven't been involved with one this closely either, now that I think about it. They handled it extremely well, I couldn't be more proud of how they were there for her, each other, and my ex.

glad - condolences re your mil. Great that she passed peacefully. Glad for you there was no fam dram.

loo - whew!!! You got the car away. Now to deal with the fall-out, but one major step is accomplished. I find prepared answers really help. I am not sure, considering her condition that you will be able to "convince" her of anything, but you can stick to your guns that the car is gone. If you can "blame" the DMV or doctor it might help. Re stress - some one on here a couple of years ago had dealt with both alz and a personality disorder in different people, and said they would take alz anytime. Shreds of a relationship will survive I think, but it will take time to get past this. Enjoy your day off. "Leave me alone" echoes in my head quite often.

lastresort - from what mother's lawyer said to me, my mother obviously told the lawyer that she was concerned about me taking her money for my own use when the POA was enacted. I set the lawyer straight, but it is not nice to hear these things.

Alison - be cautious about bringing anyone into your house.. This young man, who I have known for over 5 years, promised he would do certain things, but obviously had no intention of doing them despite my direction and Gary's very firm and clear instructions. It sounds like your dad wants you to have POA. Think about that carefully too. A third party might be something to consider. Your bro is a bully and trying to keep you manageable by his put downs.

Iwent - sounds like the disease is progressing. You need ME time Can you get some help in?

flash - it all does sound very dysfunctional. There is a book by Dr Karyl McBride called "Will I ever be good enough", Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Picking favourites is part of the dysfunctional family scene. It does not reflect on who you are. It helps to detach emotionally from the family drama.

judda - happy that you have found a place of more peace and freedom. I can concur that learning how to deal with the dysfun fam helps me to deal with other areas of my life - being more proactive, detaching, valuing myself more...

Christine - sounds like your mil would benefit from day care and more socialization. Fil is another matter. Hope the Namenda helps. Sounds like you need a break.

book - so glad you are working on your self esteem, and self confidence. Something we all could benefit from and especially with the dysfun family background and yours was a doozy!!! Great quote!!!

Sharyn - wow -32 weeks Your daughter is doing so well! Prayers for time off for the birth.

hi to cm, margeaux, Austin, anyone else I forgot

Going from exhausted to tired to sleepy, so getting better. The tenant's dog is being neglected right now poor thing - the guy is out all the time. I let him out this afternoon, but he came right back in for the attention. I let him out again just now to do his business - he was yipping frantically. Only a few more days till they both are gone, thankfully.

Had a good chat with the sw and clarified some things. Ordered more clothes for mother and told the sw to book a perm for mother (if she agrees to it). Mother's hair wasn't as good as it should be and didn't look like it had been washed for a while. Mother's financial advisor wants to visit her (mother called him), so I gave him a "heads up" about her obsessing about her delusions, On a good day she may be better. Hoping that they get into a good routine re meds injections every two weeks, then she can be re-evaluated, a facility selected and her name put on a waiting list. Told the sw I would not be down for a while as the candida has flared up and I have to get better before I make another trip.

G is camping up north this weekend, near where he has business this week and next. He climbed a hill to get phone reception to call last night - good man! The sw said she reads people and watched the two of us at the last meeting and said the love between us showed. That touched me. I gave her some hints about online dating. lol

Have a good week everyone. I hope I am coming out of the fog.

Emjo, did you meet G online?! Maybe I can find someone to take me away from all of this!

Yeah, glad, I met him online after about a year or more of some pretty strange online experiences. Fortunately he lived in the same city. Maybe you could find someone!!!

He didn't take me away from all this, but he is with me through it, which is worth a lot.

From reading all your comments sounds like it sucks to get old!!! Expecially when your grown children are aruging over taking care of you. Sounds like a burden ! I know its not an easy responsible but both my parent's have past and I wish they were here everyday !!! I find myself asking the question at their graves sites ( How come I loved my parent's so much ? This generation my kids love me so little ? ) My husband was killed in a truck wreck 2007 prior to that I lost my Mother after 10 yrs of care giving..I wouldn't have traded those yrs I had with her for anything...I wish she was still here with me today.. I could go & get her the cup of coffee & make her breakfast. ..My three grown children didn't want to be bothered helping me with Grandma..well I should say the boys.. They don't like being around old people.. they want to remember her being with Grandpa..Mom lived to be 90 yrs old..I miss both of them everyday..I praise all of you who are taking turns being a care caregiver.. I am 65 now my daughter lives with me at this time.. I am retired..your column gives me lots to think about.. I don't want to be a burden to my grown children..I bought a mobil home after my husbands death..I want to be able to keep my independents...I don't want to be a burden to my children..God Bless all of you. Take a break & share your love for your parent's.

Glad and Emjo, I met Charles online thirteen years ago. Also after some funny dating experiences. I might write a book about it one of these days, after I get my life back. I am glad to hear what the SW said, Emjo, that feels good, doesn't it?
Have a peaceful day,
Christine

It's been almost a full 48 hours since we took away my mother's car. After the barrage of phone calls from her on Saturday, it's been silence. I love not having to interact with her, but am anxious to put this behind me. Her car is worth more than I realized, after looking at the blue book value, and we've already heard from one very intersted party, and one 'maybe'. I would truly feel rotten for selling it without my mother's definite understanding that she's not getting it back. Which is NOT rational. SHE's not able to understand, and yet I still am in knots, feeling like a snake, when I'm just trying to handle things efficiently and capably. And hey, getting rid of an unnecessary expense isn't a bad thing either. Nor is cramming some of my OWN life and my OWN responsibilities into the mix! I'm so stressed. It's silly, but there it is.

looloo , you do have the title for the car, right? and she signed it, right? and there are no liens, right?

Looloo,

Gee, what you had to go through. This seems to be always a big ordeal.....taking the car keys, taking the car away. Well, so glad it's done, and you and your husband did a great job. I was just getting ready to also ask something in the vein of Pamstegman's question. Do you have the pink slip?

Listen, when it comes to our elder's and other people's safety, at some point whoever has the daunting task of getting this done, there's no compromising about it. I think if we keep this in the forefront, it will lighten up the stress. Happy to hear that it's more valuable than you thought.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

I'm really sorry you have to experience this type of tenant in your home.
Definitely......one must be so careful to allow just anyone into our own space.
Even when I've gone to spend the night at mom's, and my sister & youngest daughter who live w/her, boy when I leave, I take a big sigh of relief that I don't live there w/their dysfunction. Quite considerate of you to let the dog out too.

At times I've noticed that mother's hair seems a bit unkept. Not always, usually when she's had say a UTI, or something of the sort. Then I do realize that I hear stories from my sister about mom giving them a harder time when it comes to showers, and the like. I can only imagine what washing her hair must entail.

That was a wonderful acknowledgment that the social worker made about you and G. Truly, hiking up a hill to make a phone call, he's a real galan! (gentleman).
O.K., Emjo you do deserve a rest, and I know you will see to it!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Loo~Yes, what an ordeal and so stressful for you and husband. I know how hard it is so just keep doing what your doing and be kind and gentle to yourself during the process.

Judda~Kudos to you!!! I did something similar with my mother back in 2012 when she started to decline rapidly. Because my mom has a personality disorder but also has Alzheimer's...I decided to start treating everything as though it was Alzheimer's related (in the beginning both issues were similar). It made a big difference in my relationship with my mother. You are doing great!!

Sharynmarie,

This is so unfair about your vacation time! I know it hurts you too, since this would be when the babies are born. Is there anyway your union could do something for you? I'm happy to hear that your daughter and the babies are coming along.

Hugs, hang in there!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

So this last week was my husband's birthday. My sister called two days later, and when she found out she'd missed his actual "B," day, she was very apologetic to me.
I told her no big deal. So she called about half an hour later, to invite my husband and me that evening to go w/her and the beaux......they wanted to invite us out for dinner.
I thought it a very nice gesture. But here comes the but! You all know how I write about how controlling she is, etc. So first of all I asked my husband, and I could tell he'd be interested, but didn't want to have to drive their direction, preferred they both come our way and we have dinner close to home. We do have a distance to contend with. I called her back, and told her we'd go. So of course, she immediately stated we meet somewhere in the middle. Had to ask the husband again, and he said olk. So we met at a restaurant that evening about 7:30.

It was nice, food very good, nice bottle of wine. Then my sister took a picture of me and my husband, and said, "Oh, this pic came out very nice." So now she and my husband spent about the next 15-20 mins. fussing she sending it to his IPhone.
The chatter between the two of them monopolized with the typical, "did you get it."
He wasn't receiving the picture.

She then turned to me, and handed me her phone, to have me watch her little grand daughter on a video. Her beau was sitting between us. Now I know that there exists tension between her beaux and her two daughters. It's become in the last two years that they don't even speak to one another. I don't understand any of it, nor really in a big way do I care nor do I want to engage in.

Well, my first thought as she passed the phone to me to watch the video was,
"Oh brother, here we go even further w/the cell phones, and pics monopolizing the dinner, which I really don't like!! " I feel this is rude. She did something similar on my birthday to this end.

Well, I not knowing what to do, I started to watch it, but didn't watch the whole thing. I definitely noticed some bad energy coming from her beaux, (as in he glanced at the video and made a face). THIS made me feel SO uncomfortable.
Now my sister has told me about some of their dysfunction regarding he and daughter's apparently even truckling down to the grandkids. My sister noticed it also, and started to give me those looks from the end of the table, making sure I was noticing this. Oh boy! I by then had returned the phone to her.

So the next morning, she called me, early. I thanked her.
She then boohooed to me this aspect of last night's dinner, about how she feels so hurt by the fact that she knows her beaux shows that he doesn't like her grandkids. I know he has issues. But I also have to admit that my sister's daughters seem as convoluted to some extent just like their mom.

I didn't really know what to tell her. But in all of that, I touched upon the issue how knowing what she knows about her beaux, and that he doesn't care for the grandkids, why would she pull out a video of one of them, right in front of them.
I also told her that it made ME feel very uncomfortable.

I think this is horrible on the face of it, and if I were in my sister's shoes, I doubt very seriously I'd want anything to do w/a guy who behaves this way.
But I've heard this story before, it's a repeat. So I just listened, not going to get involved, I reminded myself, because my sister also will complain and then do the exact opposite.

I've also decided, that I'm going to have plans on my birthday, no dinner invitation w/her, thank you.

Margeaux

Thats, "trickling down."
3'd paragraph from bottom: "why would she pull out a video of one of them, right in front of HIM.

Margeaux

Margeaux~Thank you!! I have not called the union yet...I am trying to play it cool because I don't want to make unnecessary waves. However, things are heating up at work with stress for others because of being 2 people short (actually we need more that 2 ). I post again on this drama because I opened my big mouth and accidently threw my manager under the bus....when I realized what I did...I started to cry at work because I had not intentions of doing that...I never do that!!!

Thanks, Sharynmarie :). Pam and Margeaux -- yes, I do have the pink slip. The car is 9 years old, paid off. I have the DMV's Power of Attorney form, as well as regular POA, so I can do this transaction for her. The proceeds will go right into her account.

Oh Sharynmarie,

I really understand, especially under the circumstance.
Yeah, well I've done this, where I feel like I've said a bit too much.
All right, have some dark chocolate or something you like. Take a deep breath.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Countrymouse,

Excellent topic you brought up about learning about boundaries and how they apply elsewhere. My last post brought this up to me. On the one hand I try to cooperate, and be gracious now matter about some of the boundaries I've set even with someone as difficult as my own sister. You know kind of like going with the flow, and sometimes even in that case, I had that stressed feeling just wondering what could transpire during the dinner. I guess my gut is working right on. Then again, I say to myself when I start to feel this way, "don't be so paranoid."
Yes good boundaries, getting over anger is a great thing for all of us.
I'm happy for you that you've been able to do this with your mom. It's good to hear a story like this, too!

Hugs,
You're great!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~ In defense of of your sister, she should be able to show you photos or videos of her grandkids even if her beau does not approve. This is big important part of your sister's life and should not be denied because of him. Just my thoughts. Sorry the rest of dinner did not go so well...I hope your hubs had a great birthday regardless. Hugs to you!!

It has been a day from the twilight zone. I met the nurse to reevaluate my mom for her LTC policy.It was very extensive since it was a reassessment and she was very thorough.

My mom could only tell her that she lived in Cali...she identified a pencil but could not say the watch to identify a wrist watch. was asked to write a sentence about anything...my wrote...keeping my animals. She was asked what she would do if there was a kitchen fire on the stove...my mom answered...I would run away, LOL!! That was really funny!!!

I found out from the nurse that my mom is sometimes weepy and then quick to anger. I told them I would talk with her dr. Her dr agreed to stop the Citlapram and start her on Lexipro.The resident nurse said that Lexipro was designed for older people with depression and is very good. The resident nurse also told me (I feel so bad) that she thinks part of my mom's problem is that I have not been bring in Midget....slap across my face (at least to me it is). Tomorrow I will bring in Midget....

Too much going on right now...I am in tears most times...seeing my mom not doing so well with the mini mental was hard....I don't want my mom in distress...I want her comfortable. With everything going on with my sister's health, etc...we have all slacked off the 2 months in keeping up with mom's care. I feel really bad about it...we can only do our best with the circumstances we are dealing with. Hugs to everyone...take care of yourself...no one else will!!

Sharynmarie,

Oh, I definitely agree with you, that my sister should be able to share about the grandkids. As I said, that on the face of it If it were me, this guy would be 86'd!
But in my sister's case.......this very situation has been going on for quite some time now. Really if you ask me......many times for the way my sister complains and describes her beau, she's just constantly criticizing him, which leaves me wondering why on earth are you still with this guy then!!!! She's made it very known to me specifically about this issue that he shows distaste w/anybody, the daughters, the gkd's, etc. and he not being good w/them, for whatever warped reason that could be. Yet, I already know my sister's method of operation, she'll relay this to me, express tons of hurt & boohooing, but get this one......exactly yesterday evening she was still going out w/him to some county fair. I'm for, well if one complains enough about something, then do something about it. This is why at times I don't take my sister very seriously. I'm sure even when she feels whatever is ailing her between her and her man, even there she still will control it, even if it means gong against a healthier choice to get away from this relationship. I already know for a fact, say if she were to end it, I'd be hearing things to the tune of, "she can't be w/o him." Yes, sick! Thanks though, I do agree w/you entirely. My husband had a great time, he doesn't know about all of this, which I prefer it this way.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Monday, Monday....and it's almost over!

Took the teenagers/wolfspawn to camp yesterday. They'll be gone for a week, which makes a perfect time to strip their bed linen, air out their rooms, and do typical parental nosy snooping. Thankfully, the worst thing I'm liable to find is an empty box of cheese-its, chip bags, and contraband pop cans. So that's where my 10-calorie pepsi goes...Durn kids.

The house is so quiet. It's just me & the hubs. We can eat what we want. We can do whatever we want. So of course it's early bedtime and chores that are behind! Whee! The freedom of being an adult - ha ha ha!

Went to a care conference for mom last week. I think we're in a period of stability - finally! Her crazy has calmed down with the new Seroquel. She still gets pretty angry and yells at the social worker about the place being a "s_ _ _-hole". (Hint - she did not say Sugar-hole.) Her weight is stable, her BP pills got adjusted up, but she has a buddy on the hall for now who will go eat with her & gets her out of her room. Slowly but surely mom is adapting in her own way to being where she is. I explained what kind of food she's used to as an elderly southern lady raised on cornbread, and turnip greens. Not as much fried food as you'd think. Actually her mom boiled the holy snot out of everything she came across. Everything went into the pressure pot for hours on end. Even canned vegetables. I was over 20 before I knew green beans were crunchy.
;-)

Hi all,

Sharyn, sounds like you're having ongoing tough time at work. We've all yapped a little too much when we weren't meaning to say THAT... whatever it is... so I hope you can give yourself some leeway to be human and make a mistake. (((Hugs))) to you.

Looloo, good job on getting the car. It isn't easy to do these things, it doesn't feel very fun, but you knew it was necessary and you did it. Here's my pat on the back. :-)

Margeaux, I really appreciate your detailed descriptions of interactions with sister. I somehow feel very comforted, like I can learn the tricks to deal with dysfunctional older bro. Actually, I have learned many, but it doesn't stop him from crossing the line on regular basis. I never know if I'm going to get a hug from him (that happened once, I'll never forget it!) or a scathing lecture about what a worthless person I am. Your description of sis's tendency to complain, complain, complain about the same things but never actually do any action to "fix" what she is complaining about reminds me very much of how my mother is. :-) Just... strangeness. :-) One of the things that has driven me NUTS about caregiving to my dad is my inability to fix the things that I complain about. having actual option to remedy a problem is a wonderful thing. Definitely should not be taken for granted.

I sent my older bro some text messages basically telling him that I will not help in "making him" our father's POA. I told him that he was welcome to contact our dad and work it out with him, if he wanted to. I also told him I did not think he (older bro) would be a suitable POA, in short because he openly describes our father as being "in his own world" and "basically retarded." I do think my dad deserves someone more sympathetic to his unique personality than my older bro. :-/ So, shots fired across the bow. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I want older bro to understand WHY I'm not going to be doing up POA docs for him. Otherwise, older bro would just ask me repeatedly why I haven't done this for him yet. I think the most logical course of action at this point is to take my father to see a local elder attorney who can explain POA, or I can try to, but I think my father would put more importance on the matter if he hears from an attorney's mouth. And then once dad is more informed, he can come up with short list of people that he thinks would act in his best interest...? That's my best idea so far.

Hello and (((hugs))) to all, its very late here, I'm going to get to bed.

Alison, if you go on line and look for POA templates, you'll probably find there's a government-written "layman's guide" to the rules of drawing them up, which you can then fwd to your bro and (if you wish) tell him to put that in his pipe and smoke it. And if he thinks the rules don't apply to him then he DEFINITELY is not the right person to have POA and you should strenuously object to any such move. The elder care attorney is a very good idea, meanwhile; go for it.

Sharyn I know I sound like a broken record but there is only one of you, there are only 24 hours in the day, and you cannot be everywhere and do everything. I'm sorry, I know how horrible it is to sit through one of those tests and think "oh my word…", but you have absolutely nothing to reproach yourself for. Taking Midget to visit next time is something to look forward to, but it's not right that you're feeling guilty for not having done it before - when have you had a chance to?

Thank you CM! I agree with what you are saying...the resident nurse told me yesterday that there is no judgement because life happens. Because I am so emotional....I always feel sad when I am not able to do all that is expected of me at certain times.

I took Midget over today and mom does not remember her!! She does not remember her being her dog, didn't know her name. She was happy to spend time with her, walking her through the halls and sharing her with the residents. I will work on bringing Midget more often and who knows...it may spark some memories for her. I don;t believe this is what is causing my mom's mood issues.

I found out that the manufacturer of Namenda quite making it, but there is another version called Namenda XR. I am wondering if this may have something to do with my mom's mood changes. Does anyone know anything about this version and has it been less effective for the dementia patient?

Alison~Thank you! I am not going to worry about what happened at work because I am busting my butt but just like CM said re: my mother...there are only so many hours I am scheduled to work and I can only do my best. I say this because "A" has made it clear that she does not feel I am doing enough. The problem with "A" is that she is devoted to this store....she is so devoted that she has made herself overly responsible for this dept. I have been there and done that....what happens is you get to where you think you are the only one who works hard, you set yourself up for burn out and that is what is happening to "A". This is what happened with my big mouth, LOL!!....I told a co-worker that on Saturday a customer came in to pick up a cake they ordered and prepaid. The order was for Saturday July 19th. The customer did not come in to get the cake on the 19th. She comes in a week later to get it. It was still in the walk-in refrig and the dept manager gave it to her!!!! I said this and a district supervisor heard me...this was very wrong of our dept manager to give it to the customer when it was a week old. This is typical of the type of stuff happening at this store and I am very uncomfortable with it and so are the others who are working in our dept but no one is saying anything. I was over heard by someone from corporate and he will report this to my dept managers district supervisor...what happens is anybody's guess. I did not do it on purpose or with any malice intended. Legally I am protected under the whistle blowers act...even though my intentions were not to be a whistle blower. If the dept manager suffers repercussions from this, she will know it was me who said something because I was the only person there and she took me in the back after she gave the cake to the customer and told me it was a week old. She asked me if she should have given the cake to the customer. I said...I don't know what to tell you...it must be very dried out by now. Keep in mind,. I will do everything I can to make her look good and because she is only 27 years old, it is hard for me (my emotional personality) to not feel something for her. What she did was wrong especially when this store is suffering with customer loss. She should have told the customer and offered to remake it even though it would have been a loss in money to the dept.