
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Linda, snap. Teeth-clenchingly frustrating - I always end up feeling that strangling mine would be the only answer! (Don't worry I won't. Probably.)
LooLoo, one of those weird coincidences - I just got off the phone to a similarly distant relative - she's actually my mother's cousin, but it's one of those family structures where the generations slip so she's closer to my age. I didn't get to know her for many years, and since she won't touch the internet or Skype and lives in Mass. it's still not easy, but I really do value her. I don't think you have to live in each other's pockets to appreciate the good things - like an encouraging comment now and again.
This is sure not the way to make any money to pay for these necessary things!
Countrymouse- Oh wow, why do Dr's do that? How long has it been since you went? Im not waiting, Im scared. I will be honest and say Im one of those people who fear death. Sounds weird when I haven't gotten checked, but its true. I plan on living into my 90's!!! Ok, my goal was 100.Im going to the Dr no matter what.
gladimhere- my son is 8yrs old. So its been over 8 years since I been there. Hopefully you can get your followups, as everyone here, and I believe you told me, you have to find a way to go. We can all do this some how some way right? Yes thats true about not making money to do things we need!
Thank you to both
Me1000, my daughter was where you are now, she did get in to the doctor's, they caught things in time, was treated, finished her college and got on with her life. That was nearly 5 years ago. I know it's scary but please go in, for you and your kids.
Poor Rocky the cat is blind in one eye and being force fed and injected with fluids under the skin, His blood urea is approaching normal - it was off the scale - but he isn't interested in eating. Tomorrow they will bring him home and continue the force feeding and fluid injections and hope that he will return to normal eating and drinking. I feel badly for him and them all.
Me - I hope you are serious abut getting to a doc. If nothing else, and there are other things, your son needs you healthy. All that nonsense about apptmts -not your fault.
glad and others - look after your health. You cant afford not to!!!
christine - making progress -awesome
margeaux - co dependency indeed. You are wise to draw some boundaries
cm -saw something on another thread - hope your mum's guts are OK. I think a lot of people could benefit from taking probiotics
loo - glad you had some support - breath deep -getting through it
Sharyn - Yay about your vacay! Those babies are hanging in there. Sorry about your mum's decline. I know it is hard to see. It is NOT your fault
book - sounds like you are doing OK.
Jessie, boni, Me, - and those who posted on my wall - I will get back to you thx for the support. I think he is beautiful, but then I am his mum. One of his high school friends posted that he had the biggest heart and the kindest smile. He was very generous and his smile lit up the room. He beamed love and kindness when he smiled. I miss that smile probably more than anything, and the hugs and him singing in the hall when he came down for coffee in the morning. My father has a Welsh great baritone and so did Gordie - the only one who inherited it. I think of the Wordsworth poem called Lucy, "She lived unknown, and few could know When Lucy ceased to be; But she is in her grave, and oh, The difference to me!"
anyone and everyone else - Hi - don't mean to leave anyone out -just not functioning on all cylinders these days. This too will pass.
Be good to you!
Glad~Your sis...always scheming to be the center of attention...shame on her and happy your children are otherwise busy with the priority.
Linda22~So sorry you are going through this with your mother...frustrating I know. You can only do what you can do....don't sweat her hearing and vision issues...not life threatening and you can't control what she wants. just focus on what you can do for her.
Joan~ I hope Rocky continues to improve...poor kitty, he has been through quite an ordeal. Keep taking care of yourself. Gordie was a special soul and he is looking down watching over you.
My sis is now all gung ho on buying an Ipod for mom....and of course she wants me to down load the music from the internet.
Of course I am opposed to this for several reasons...1)mom's money should be used only for her care 2)I do not believe my mom has or ever had the emotional capacity to respond to music that would be beneficial to her now 3)I do not have the time to download music or even look for the type of music my mother likes and legally pay for it or have my mother pay for it 4) I do not want to argue with my sister about the type of music...we already disagree about that.5)I do not think it would work with the stage our mom is currently in....she is still mobile...still communicates and (selfishly yes)....do you really want mom to even have a few moments of being her real self???...are you prepared for the verbal barrage??
Any comments or suggestions I would appreciate!!
And, also of course, you don't have to sit around and wait for your mother to start, er, acting normal!!! But either your mother will love it and it might be worth getting her a modest system of her own; or she'll ignore it and you can tell sis you tried?
We have an iPad here. I have downloaded Sound of Music and Singing in the Rain. Mom loves to watch the movies. But some things about the ease of use cause problems, including the touch screen. Mom will point at something while watching, well then the movie stops. Then to get it started again she needs help. The screen is tapped at random nearly constantly who knows where she may end up. If you want it for the music I would just get her a decent music system, table top variety. That way it is much easier to monitor mom's activity. Or a tape deck that will keep replaying over and over and over again.
I realize that your opposition to your sister's idea concerning the music for your mom....is based on history. I've heard that it may stimulate an elderly person's brain. What I think it could do for your mom, is bring her something positive, even in her condition. Who knows it may even put her in a good mood.
Sure, it doesn't have to be the most expensive equipment to do this, either.
If you're stressing over the amount of money sister wants to spend, well that's one issue, because I do remember the air conditioning story. However, if you feel it just may give your mother some pleasure.....I would definitely consider this to be money spent for the care of your mom.
Recently, when I was at mom's, my sister told me that she didn't know why mom
still wears a bra, at 92. I didn't respond anything to this. However I felt, "well, if she feels like wearing one, and she still can put it on, good for her." Besides, my mom was always a very neat and conservative woman. This to me demonstrates a routine, that mom still relates to. I mean all she does nowadays, is eat, sleep, and sit in front of a tv. Sure, the caregivers make decisions for them. But even if we sometimes feel they're not going to relate, I still think we should give them the opportunity to have a small bit of something of their own. There's not harm done if a 92 yr. old still wants to wear a bra. There's nothing wrong, with you providing some music, and if it may bring some peace and a bit of joy for your mom, well I say that's a good thing.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
emjo23-Poor kitty, hes determined! Im glad hes improving and yes, we been there with a stray the whole block took in, ( years ago) mainly us. He made it but it took him a while to bounce back. I am serious about going, Im really scared.
gladimhere- sorry again about your ex mil. Also as bad as I feel for kids not to have a huge party instead of a cake at home and thats it, it can be a relief when we get a break!
sharynmarie- thank you as well for sharing, and Im glad your doing good since then! I hope if I do, its early enough..Also on the music I think Countrymouse has a great idea, test some out before you buy or download anything. I wish you luck.( I love the oldies myself, actually everything but Jazz) Maybe your mom would like new types of music too?
sharynmarie- Good luck!!! Let us know what she thinks!
My grandpas reaction?" Oh My God. your trying to spend money and waste it when Im trying to save money for you all... yada yada" well, I interrupted and said" If you would like the ease, comfort, no chance of slipping and living longer and safer at least ( because of no falls) you HAVE the money its YOUR money". He got upset and told me he can just use a washcloth hes fine" Ugghh!!!! Then I continued telling him I can fit it n his Kitchen or in front of his bathroom ( need the sink for drainage) and I can take it apart no one will know"
He gets mad and says " you do enough for me down here and up there, and you need a job, your not doing heavy manual labor etc"( ha once in a great while I get a thank of sorts - its nice to hear- of course other times he says such and such person goes above and beyond what do I do- so I soak in the compliment ) I said" Grandpa, its PVC pipe, little mat to hold the water and a light shower curtain I can easily put away, not heavy.. hence..portable.." He yelled at me said no, he has no money etc!!! Uggh he does have the money!! I told him when I get a job its the first thing Im buying him!! He said" The he*& you will" NO!!! I wont use it!!!" gaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!
So on to the next issue of the day, my son has his new ADHD patch on, 2nd day...its raining and he wants to play outside, (yes he has to wear it summer because of violence, impulsiveness,ODD etc) low dose not working yet.. hopefully it will kick in soon or if not working it has to be adjusted!
Im hanging in here, scared about health but am going! But overall, its raining which relaxes me a little and I am just going to catch up on cleaning.. lots of cleaning lol. Thanks again everyone, this forum does stay stuck in my head even while Im laying there at night. The threads I read and may not respond to is important to me and I want to help, but because I dont know what to say or haven't been through it, I don't respond. I hope everyone finds some peace and good health. Im trying!!!
My mouth flew as well did my tone of voice and words today because Im tired of getting yelled at, put down by him and neighbors offering to do things as if we dont do them( or want to) and they offer for grandpa or my son etc. Any who my question is this, I need a break.... desperately. I want to go to a motel for a couple days. ( I need a week really) No kids, no pets, no grandpa, no dad, no friends, no nothing ( of course an emergency id come home.. ) I wouldnt be too far away. So, I guess Id have to wait until I have a job.. but who knows when I will get hired and I need to breathe now. I have no motivation at this point, Im upset, Im tired and worn out.
If grandpa says he will be fine and wont hire someone, should I just go? My Aunt says no ( even though she is not talking with any of us including my grandpa) But... I dont know how much longer or more I can take without a break. Im desperate... so very desperate. Im not on my toes like I used to be .. I look at something that has to be done and it takes me forever to do it. Im not depressed, just so stressed and need a break. I dont want to do anything .. its like me going on strike saying" I want rights and breaks, I want respect" but I know i have to clean, go to appts, cook, get yelled at and put down,( by grandpa and son)
Sorry I just want to know if I can go a couple days.. I told grandpa this and he just said" oh god you have obligations here and have no reason to go even if you paid for it, what your gonna "hook up"? Omg NO!!! I want to be alone,. me, myself and I. No getting yelled at, no doing anything for anyone for just a couple days just . I don't even know any men in town!!
So, think it through. Whose permission and what money do you actually need for this to happen? Can you get them? If so, that's all you're waiting for. Leaving your grandpa to his own devices: go right ahead. Your son is a different matter, of course, but presumably you have a plan for him too?
My kids will stay with my dad. I feel bad about my dad handling my son but at this point .. theres no choice! Im looking at it this way, If I was in business or some job that made me travel, id have to have plan B right? Backup for my dad is my one neighbor I can trust as well as a good family friend I trust. I know she would stay with my grandpa at night but she has her own mom to care for. Plus, my grandpa will say no women at night because the neighbors will" talk ".
If you do seriously drop down dead in harness they'll have to do without you, right? So what's the difference? Take a brief break now so that they won't have to do without you for longer (or, God forbid, permanently). Hugs.
glad - that sis of yours reminds me of mother - must be center stage all the time and trampling on the feelings of others matters not. Your kids sound great!
Sharyn - music may be of some enjoyment to your mother, but don't let sis land you with more work. You have a lot on your plate. I know all about the good ideas of others that end up being work for me. My sis came over to Canada saying she was going to help mother move to another ALF, but made a mess of even getting information and gave very clear signals that she expected me to do the work. I did not comply, but did what I thought was right. I am not their servant.
Saw younger grandson today who was 9 yesterday and brought him his b'day presents. Also saw the cat who came home today and is doing better again, but has a long way to go. The vet is still not sure if he will even survive. My granddaughter bought me a ring in BC where they holidayed . It is HUGE (you could knock someone out with it) and I love it. I will take her out for her birthday lunch this coming week.
Felt pretty good today all things considered. Not over this infection yet, but getting there. Maybe I can make something of the rest of the summer!!!
Do something good for you this coming week everyone! ((((((hugs)))))
Joan~I am praying for little Rocky. Poor little guy...what an ordeal for all of you.
You are right about good intentions from my sis with the expected outcome to on me....like I don't have enough going on but sis has those rose colored glasses on and thinks because I have a husband and no legit health issues...I have all this time on my hands. She does not seem to realize that while she only works 20 hours a week, I am working close to 40 plus I will only have one day off, Wednesday...before I go on vacay. She thinks I am the energizer bunny, LOL!! I will look into getting the little cd player and a cd after my vacay.
Talked with my daughter today before work...she said both boys are head down, almost 5lbs and baby A is locked and loaded, LOL!!! He is head down in her pelvis!!! They are still side by side...baby B is bigger over all in weight and height. She was joking about having music in the delivery room and choosing a song by Johnny Cash..."Ring Of Fire"...hee hee...I told her be thankful you don't have 1 10lb baby, then you would definitely have a ring of fire!! Expected delivery is no later than Aug 29th but most likely sooner.
Glad you are feeling better Joan. Continue doing what you are doing!
Everyone take care and put your health first, have a good night!!
Grandfather is Blind, CHF,Pace Maker,Mobility Issues, High Cholesterol, few other basic issues like allergies and heart burn.. gotta look it up, I dont like forgetting) So between the both its hard for dad to take care of grandpa and my son. Daughter is easy overall. But he still willing to help me out a couple days. Yes, I do believe Im at the end of my rope!
Countrymouse- I know and sometimes I feel that way just to say the heck with it then he calls and calls and asks when Im coming and says he wouldn't know what he would do with out me at night. But yet says he will be fine under the same breath. His daughter ( my Aunt) told me I was never to leave my grandfather alone at night no matter what he said!!! So Im never allowed to leave him unless he will accept a replacement which the only one would be her or my dad and she refuses to come with him because of their fight last time! And she is too busy looking for a job.She does live out of town though, so I understand its more travel but she USED to come every 2/3 months for up to 4 days.
emjo23-I know and I agree with you, how would they manage? I have asked them that and my grandpa wont hear of the question. I know I have to do something.
sharynmarie- Its not easy raising them with it is it? Routine, yes, my son is better on a routine and activities where he can be active!! Was your son on meds and therapy? How is he now? I know I need rest
Thank you all. I feel guilty and hate annoying you all by coming here daily complaining I just at am a place right now if I dont I feel like Im just gonna fall down. I was in bed last night looking at the time praying I had until at least midnight with no Interruptions just so I can breathe.. a miracle happened at it happened and I got started with my day around 1am. I didnt really sleep much because just the thoughts of having to get up was on my mind. Thismorning my grandpa woke me up just to see the time and if I was getting up it was late ( 4:30am). He has several alarms/watched he can just press right by him to hear the time. And I told him when the caretaker or maid as he calls her comes the next morning, I want to sleep in those days after 8am as long as my kids have no school. He never listens and says schedules are good to keep uggh.
No, didn't think so.
You need a break. Let all these people who have their opinions turn their thoughts to helping you arrange it. Big hug.
No one is perfect although I and Im sure others try to be. We learn as we go, we improve over time. New techniques always come over time as well. Is he eligible for a NH ? Hugs