The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

sharynmarie- Its hard getting families support isnt it? Then some say" oh you are just making it up, that doesn't exist!" Well , something is wrong!!!

Im glad Ritalin helped as well as the activities! Im also glad to hear he is doing well as is your relationship with him! I think staying active is great for everyone, its a healthier lifestyle and I need to start too. Thank you for sharing :)

I seem to be having some problems posting lately!
I post, then have a hard time signing in.
What's happening?

Much Love & Light! Mageaux

Oh finally, the system worked!
Me1000,
As your story is unfolding, I'm sensing that yes, your grandfather has some health issues, but he sounds like a difficult man. Has he always been this way?
You do need a break. Many times in families I don't know if your family has the gender bias going on, as to whether why it's you who is doing the majority of the care. Do you have any siblings in the picture?

Anyway, first of all, do take care of yourself! Hey, if you're saying on the one hand grandfather has stated to you, he really doesn't need you at the moment, well I take that as he really doesn't need the kind of elevated care some elders are required to have. You did mention someone who comes in several times a week, didn't you?

All I can say in regards to he telling you, that you can't do something, taking a break, even w/your own money, that sounds way out there, don't you think?
He's wrong! Because, you can do this the day you walk out the door an go do it,
this decision is YOURS, and remember this should be your's only!

I think that sometimes caregivers give in to notion that they are indispensable.
I also feel that in some cases, sure it could be some kind of guilt trips the patient tries to place on a caregiver. Then unfortunately, if a caregiver falls for this,
you end up giving in to their inordinate demands. Watch out, because if grandpa isn't really up there age wise.....and he's yet not having truly serious ailments,
this can only get worse.

Many times you see posters here who are very dutiful, care for the right reasons, etc. But many times too, some also feel that they are indispensable. As other's have already told you, if you aren't there the sun isn't going to fall out of the sky.
I do realize that you have your son w/special needs to consider. Now if you can have your dad take care of him, then the extra caregiver on hand, while your away, do take a much needed break.

Hugs,
Hang in there,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Me1000,

Somehow, I missed on one of your posts, that your grandfather is blind.
Sorry about that, that I didn't consider this. So my next question to you, how long has he been blind? If he's been this was awhile, did he ever go to Braille Institute, or something of the sort? I had a blind girlfriend some years ago. She went blind as a result of an industrial accident. At the Braille Institute, she was taught how to function being blind. But, you also mentioned too, he has mobility issues.
Anyway, I can understand, that if he can't function, and he says negative things to you how you could fall into the guilty feeling. I say that is still however unfair.
No matter what, you need some time for yourself, and to address what is going on with you.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

To the forum: I am sorry that I don't post much and don't offer support to you. I just have so much going on that its just a survival game.
So dh and I drove the 200 miles to see Mom today. What an ordeal. As some of you might remember the road is winding in the mountains. Now they are doing road construction on the road and will be doing it until 2016. I thought the traffic wouldn't be so bad if it was Sunday. Wrong! It was worse. First everybody in the state was going to the mountains either to go boating, hiking, or camping. The traffic was horrendous. There was Rvs, camp trailers, boats. But the most traffic was 1000's of motorcycles. We are near Sturgis, SD so we saw literally 1000s of cycles. Then the oilfield scene is in full swing here in the West so we encountered hundreds of oil field trucks. Then the road construction was bad. Everybody and his dog was going too fast over these winding mountain roads. One guy tried to pass with me in the way. It is a wonder I made it home. It must have been 98 degrees. I let my dh drive on a straight stretch. Bad mistake. He made a small blunder. He has a dementia like thing going on.
So we got there, Mom was napping. She was very cranky and crabby. She has lost more weight and hardly eats a thing. She didn't recognize us. It is obvious that she wants to die. When my dad died, she stated some suicidal thoughts but I ignored them. Now I think she is wanting to die. She hits the aides and nurses. She sipped at some juice and that was all. The nurses won't tell me how things are and the POA won't either. My mother was always such a sweet person and a loving mother. She was always there for me. But then she had a stroke and all things changed.
My question to the forum is how much do you think I should go there. It is tremendously hard on me to travel such a distance. My car is old and we are living in poverty. The road conditions are bad. I am in constant pain all the time. I am elderly myself. My sister won't take me with her. I found someone I could go along with, but it is still quite an ordeal for me to go there. She can't talk on the phone anymore. So how much in your opinion.

Brandy, good to hear from you! I am sorry the trip to see Mom was so stressful. Next time, only when you feel you WANT to make then trip go through the week. Especially this time of year everyone is trying to get their end of summer trips into only a few remaining weekends.

As far as seeing Mom you need to take care of yourself first! I think if you wake one morning, and are feeling good, and you want to see her then go. If I were to make plans to visit someone that is no longer pleasant to be around I would wait for the mood to get me. Planning on a fixed schedule would only serve to increase my stress level then that would effect my overall health and wellbeing.

Don't be so hard on yourself, do what you can and WANT to do and no more. If you are visiting because you feel you have to this just feeds the guilt when you don't. Let your sister think what she will, but do not let it impact what YOU decide to do. Go when you will enjoy the ride, and enjoy seeing your mother.

Me~The problem is that ADHD is a controversial subject. Most, who have never had to deal with it first hand, do not accept it....similar to people who think fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome are not real because there is no real test to prove it. I let the naysayers believe what they want, LOL!!

Brandy~What a trip you had to experience. There is no way to know just what mood a dementia patient may be in when you visit so I can understand how frustrating it must be to drive all that way only to not have a good visit with your mother. I know that your income is very limited, but just wondering....can you possibly take a bus or train (Amtrack) instead of driving? Factor in the gas and food you have to pay for to drive there and compare. I agree with Glad that you go when you want to not because you feel you have to and you are under any stress.

The last few days have been interesting to say the least. On Thursday "A" was in a rant again, on Friday she was fine, laughing, joking and carrying on as if nothing bothered her plus she was doing the exact same thing that she was complaining about the b/d manager doing a week ago....laughing and joking with a co-worker instead of helping with the work. "A" is off until Wednesday....so yesterday I was in deli by myself...not unusual. I just work on the priorities and do the very best I can do. Before the b/d manager left, she asked me about what happened last Sunday. She said she has heard several different versions and wanted to know my opinion. I told her that when I came into work, "A" was all stressed out, "M" was helping her with production and so was "Y"...and that "Y" stayed an extra couple hours to help with production even after I came in. She said Why did she do that. I told her that "A" was angry because she felt not enough was done on Saturday because many items went out of code on Sunday, leaving many holes in our production case. "A" seemed to feel I did not do enough, she is tired of me asking her when I come into work....what do you want me to start on....she is tired of no one taking responsibility for the fryer and leaving it for her to deal with...she doesn't think I work with a sense of urgency, and she is trying too hard to fill in all the gaps then she feels she is the only who is working and starts blaming everyone around her. Once she has vented for a day, she is ok for a few days to a week before it starts again. The manager said, I think she just over reacts. I said yes, she over reacts and gets stressed to easily because she is focusing on everything that needs to be done instead of prioritizing. I told her, I refuse to walk on egg shells around her because if I don't get something done and she has to deal with it the next day...I can only do so much and "A" needs to recognize that we are all working our own job plus doing parts of 2 other people jobs...she is not the only one who is working and she can not single handedly keep things running smoothly but she thinks she has to do everything or it won't get done. She talked about how it is hard to deal with her at times and she feels she just over reacts and she agreed with what I had to say...hopefully it was not just lip service... but I don't think so. Anyway today, I worked "Y"...she is another one....she is he!! bent on making the b/d manager look bad by reporting every little thing. Today she reported to the center store manager (even though the store manager was there today, but she feels he protects the b/d manager), about 3 salad kits that went out of code yesterday. The salads we have in the salad case come in kits that we just mix together and put out. 1 was broccoli cashew and the other 2 were chopped house salad...2 boxes but each box has 2 kits in it. Honestly, I know the best used by date was yesterday...but the broccoli looked fine and so the the cabbage for the 2 salads and the expiration dates on the dressings and other items that get mixed into the these salads do not go out of code until December. Each ingredient that goes into these salads is packaged separately and we open them and mix it all together...so yesterdays best used by date was really for the broccoli and and cabbage only... both looked very fresh. Yes the b/d manager is responsible for keeping track of these salads expiration dates...but...I feel "Y" did over kill on reporting this. We did make a couple salads that go out on the 5th and are doing a managers special reducing the price. Yes, the dept manager is only 27 years old...she is doing the best she can with the limited amount of people in our dept and believe me....corporate knows what is going on and so does the store manager. We are having a Mutiny On The Bounty...so to speak... and I don't want to be caught up in it. There is a big part of me that wants to tip off the dept manager of "Y" and "A"'s feelings but I guess it makes me a coward for staying out of it and letting it play itself off. What to do??? What to say???? I hate this store...too much drama for me!!

Margeaux- My grandfather has always been difficult, his way is the best or your not doing it right. My dad and Aunt says he was always like this, yes with me too. The whole family. Demands, prejudice, his way. He at the the same time has helped us financially and even with his attitude, at times, emotionally ( I know weird long story)

He says he doesn't need me, but just to fix breakfast and give pills, hes fine. But at times he does need me to help him walk ( on walker- guide him) help change him, help him shower. But not all the time. I feel as long as he had someone there at night and off and on day he will be ok. Idk.

Hes been blind over 8 years now, never went to the institute your talking about. He's lived in his home since 1956, so he knows his way around for the most part. ( sometimes when he gets dizzy or is half asleep he looses his way- but these times have been when he was dehydrated or sick)

He has a girl come in twice a week to help him but of course he lets her go almost 2 hours or less early! I hope your girlfriend is doing well, sorry that happened to her.

sharynmarie- your so right! I honestly have trouble accepting adhd diagnose but know even if its not that its something!!! I know over 50 things can mimic it, but as I tell people, " it was around back then because it wasnt known or understood. They have tests now, more names for all sorts of mental and physical problems"

brandywine1949- Oh wow, I would be too scared to drive on those roads, of course, I dont like driving anyways. Im sorry so much has changed with your mom and shes still suicidal. All you can do is voice your concern to your sis, nurses and Dr's. As far as you visiting your mom, I know you want to be up there as much as possible and thats wonderful. But, you can only do what you can physically and financially can do. I really cant give you an answer how many times, it depends on you. Even if you go once a month, once every two, its ok, You have to take care of your health, as well as your husband. And no worries on you "not offering your support" as you say, but you are offering support by sharing whats going on with you and your family. Others reading your story, may get ideas, hopes etc from you.


sharynmarie- Hopefully they talk to the other two and really get them to get on the team. Everything is team work. Im honestly the same way you are, wouldnt say anything and let it go. But that might not always be the best approach and you have to deal with this all the time. Its a tough call, but you if you feel you cant work under those conditions you might have to say something, but be careful, esp if you still need a job! I wish you luck.


Hugs to all

Well, another Jolly day and its not even light outside yet. My Aunt begged my grandpa on the phone not to let me or my dad control my kids school money because " it will hurt her Audits.. accounts etc" Well NONE of that money is hers of my grandpas except for a promised account. Oh and all of sudden extra money to help her. The rest my grandpa changed to his other grand children receiving some money! FINALLY!!! He FINALLY listened to me!!! ( on that note anyways) She says she needs to hold the money and she will handle it, by verbal agreement he can trust her. Well not only is she getting the entire house he lives in AND his contents that he says" she just told him not to add her brother "( grandpas other son)!!! Plus Insurance Policy money.. well, lets say she can pay her mortgage off, buy a couple new cars and still have money left over to live on for years if careful!!!! According to the WILL,the Inheritance taxes are paid for by my grandfathers estate... I have to double check it.

So not only do I have the Aunt who hates me, who we have rarely gotten along and are not speaking again, who made several pages of RULES for me to follow to INHERIT ( two sections of her rules said I must purchase the home I, my dad and kids were suppose to INHEREIT at a 65% percent if I dIdnt want to follow rules. And who gets the money? HER!!! Why are we not speaking you ask? Because I read the rules to my grandfather and he got upset claiming he didnt make up some of those rules. Then the neighbor comes in saying they are all good rules convincing my grandpa its good!!! Uggh arggh and gosh darn!!!!!!!

But I have to call her( mind you we aren't talking!!!!!!) if she has the money and keeps her word, to ask her to write checks for Tuition's, clothes, etc for their school. If that doesn't say that Im not trusted I dont know what does. Its funny, I will be all" Oh wait a week until I can get her this because my Aunty has to handle it" But yet, maybe Im wrong not to trust her, should I? I mean, I have had a few people read her rules now and they said shes trying to keep it from me( the house).

Im been sick all night... Im just done. I told my grandpa I need a few days and he started in I have nothing hard about my life, the kids and dad need me, etc etc. I already decided the heck with a motel.. Im camping for the first time in my life!!! It will be cheaper for me anyways. But... I dont think Ill ever be allowed to go. Its as if Im abandoning them or something. But parents work, businesses trips, military they are not abandoning the kids or family.

Im still bleeding when I shouldn't be, Im so overwhelmed, scared, confused, I think Im having panic attacks. Good thing is I used to eat all the time for stress and now, I am getting sick when I do, thats good I guess, maybe Ill lose some weight. I feel like I dont know who I can trust I have been beaten down all these years by family, friends and some exes. I feel like a child being told what to do, dont know who to trust. Sometimes I cant even think straight to say the right things, do the right things idk.

Funny how I am the one caring for my grandpa, dad, of course my kids, trying to get along with neighbors, trying to go to school, trying to get a job, trying to get along with family because I want to. But yet, Im no good.

Joan -I am glad your cat is getting better-still trying to get caught up after being away and with C's eye surgery-some problems have occurred almost everyone has problems theses days with cataract surgery.

I live out in the boondocks. We don't have bus service or Amtrack here. No trains at all, not even freight trains. The airplane doesn't even go there. That's what it is like in the Mountain West.

Hi everyone, happy Monday :). Sounds like we've got a LOT going on, not just with caregiving, but personal health problems, family b.s., logistical issues, work drama! Oy vey. Lol. Hoping we all have a week where at least one of these things blows over or gets smoothed out!

Re-ADHD -- my husband (we're in our late 40's) was never diagnosed as a child, but he is the absolute poster child for someone with ADHD. I'm sure he's mellowed somewhat over the years, but it is a difficult thing to have, and to live with as a family member/loved one. I've been seeing a therapist every few weeks or so for over a year or two now, and she happens to be a marriage and family therapist, with expertise in children with ADHD. She's explained a lot to me about how the brain operates in people with this, and how affects behavior, judgment (or lack of it, haha), sleep, just everything. And that it's very important to learn how to manage it and compensate for it.
My husband never took meds for it, and never wants to, and there are serious consequences to not learning how to deal with it. His relationships suffer, his career path is affected (for better and for worse, it depends), he can make impulsive, negative and destructive decisions, etc. I don't want to proseletyze or sound like any kind of 'expert' but the one thing I'd recommend is trying basic meditation. It's just like a 'time out' but it's not a punishment, haha! Even 1 minute of doing nothing but sitting, calmly, and breathing slowly, can make a really big difference, and it lays the foundation for going just a little bit longer next time. My husband has started this just a bit, and it's not a cure-all, but it has helped.

brandywine1949, I hope everything works out for you. Dont stress yourself out. Hugs

looloo- Im proud of your husband not taking meds! Im glad you both are finding ways to handle his impulsiveness and other issues. I will try meditation for him, Idk if I know how if that makes sense!! Thank you!

I also hope everyone can have a great week soon! ( My day has been going from bad to worse... looks like my Aunt may even be even luckier soon as well as my sons issues yikes!)

195Austin- Wishing a speedy recovery for C!!!

Thanks everyone. I awoke today with a migraine with aura. Took a pill so better now.

Brandywine,

I'm so sorry that the visit to see your mom has caused you and your husband this kind of stress. I'm aware unfortunately, that there's no alternative in terms of transportation.

You know....at times I've been called upon my sister to go relief caregive in mom's home when a paid CG, is absent. The drive there is also rather far, in tons of traffic especially during the week. When I've had one of my insomniatic nights, whoah!
It's a real challenge for me just the drive there. I have tons of experience driving too. Even though I don't drive as much anymore, I still do a fair amount.

If your're saying you don't drive, at least that's the impression I get.
Then, you have your health challenges, plus having to take care of your husband.
Given all of this, I think you really have to weigh this out, because, not to forget,
this can become a safety issue. We do have to be realistic at times about our circumstances.

Could you send your mom a card? This way, at least she'll receive something from you. Yes, and I understand about the patient not being in the best mood, how frustrating for you. My mom is often just sleeping the entire time I'm there.
My sister on occasion has apologized about this. But I remind her, that this is what is happening now, no one's fault, at least I don't want to go there. For me, it is what it is.

Do you follow any kind of spiritual practices? It could be meditation, chanting, prayer. If you do, just try sending lots of love to your mom. When I've heard that someone is ill, which recently happened, I chant.

Anyway, my dear, try to rest. You did a wonderful thing, no matter what.
You and your's are in my thoughts.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Loo~The impulsiveness is a big problem. My son was tested on a computer test...my son told me afterwards that he figured out a sequence to it and felt he aced it!!! When we went back to get the results of the test....the dr said he is so very impulsive and there is no sequence, it was all random. As an adult, my son has bad some bad decisions on impulse, as a child his relationships did suffer not just here at home but socially he was an outcast until jr high and high school. Even though I do not see eye to eye with his wife, she is a strong person to controls the roost...so it helps to keep him balanced.My son and daughter are not close at all and it all goes back to childhood...I hope someday, they can at least become friends.

Today was really a good productive day at work. Even the dept manager said it is so nice not having any drama or tension, I am glad I am working with you today. Our store manager has been transferred to Modesto...we don't know who will take over, in the meantime, the assistant store manager will be acting as manager after Sunday. Just hanging in there, counting the days until next Wednesday is over.

I sent my sis an email telling her I did not think it was necessary to give gifts from mom to the family. Her response was....mom would give gifts if she was of right mind so I will continue to do as I have been doing. I am not surprised by her response, however, our mom would not be giving $50.00 gifts...she would give $10-20...it is not the amount that bothers me...it is the fact that mom's money is for her CARE...not to give gifts. Maybe I am wrong about this.

Sharyn, Mom's money is always for her care regardless of who provides it. And the money is not for use by siblings attorney fees to fight Mom's trust or instructions in it. Very late for me, gnite.

Sharyn, she's right about the gifts, you're right about the amounts. I don't know, would it help to think about what kind of gift she was in the habit of giving and tailor future gifts to fit the same price bracket? My mother specialised in hilariously cr*p presents with the occasional gem thrown in - she gave my son and my nephew, for their 18th birthdays, penguin-shaped shower radios - what else does a young man want??!

My sister errs on the tight-fisted side, which creates its own headaches; but in the end it doesn't matter. As long as your mother feels she is making a gesture, it is for her benefit to continue the practice. Once she past having any knowledge of holidays or birthdays or family at all (oh woe, but it comes to us all) then I think it's more questionable. This is a tricky one; it's probably not worth the conflict; but no your sister should not be getting lavish and you're right to frown on it. Hugs

CM-it isn't worn the conflict...my mom is not aware she is giving anyone a gift.it really isn't about my mom....its about my sister who is benefitting from it. I am not goo g to argue with her about it...not worth it.

We actually went through this at Christmas time. I ordered collector sets from the US Mint which Mom has been giving to her grandchildren for probably 20 years or so, and Mom wanted to get these. This caused a big to do with sis POA, as she thought Mom should not be spending the money, yet the Christmas before she did not have a problem and actually had to write me a check to reimburse me since I picked them up out of town. She also wrote checks to each of us three dys sisters for $100.00 each, that was ok, as were the coin sets, but things sure change over the course of one year and legal nonsense!

If my mom were living with sis and was able to understand the gift giving I would have no problem. After the way my sister behaved at my daughter's shower wanting to know how Mich people gave in gift cards and then her comment about our brother only giving a $40 gift card...this is where I see sis benefitting because she gives $50 of mom's money and $20 of her signing both their names but sis gets the kudos for it. Anyway I have let her know how I feel and will not bring ot up again with her.

Sharynmarie, it does sound like an obnoxious personality trait of your sister's, but if she's not doing financial harm to your mother, then you're smart to let it go.

Thank you loo...that is how I feel about it.

I'm sorry, Sharyn, it does suck. Very galling. You're wise to rise above it.

Just one more aggravation isn't it? You are handling it right. Sharyn and I agree it is all about your sis. Thankfully a few years ago mother said that she couldn't manage presents any more and then told me that my sis still wanted presents. I supported mother and told her presents were not necessary. Glad, how can your narc sis justify the expense she s causing you mum - It floors me.

Me - what read is that your aunt tells you things must be this way and your grandfather says that things must be that way, and what I want to know is where do you figure in this. You are not a puppet just to have your strings jerked. My mother and my sis have said things should be this way or that. If I agree fine and if I disagree fine. You NEED a break. You don't have to take what they say as gospel. My two oldest sons have learning disabilities and the oldest one tended to be fidgety and a risk taker. They are bright enough but has trouble settling in school and learned differently that the schools taught at that time. I can't tell you the hours I spent helping them with their schoolwork. Hours and hours and hours over the years, and advocating for them at parent teacher interviews. Ritalin was prescribed for the oldest but he wouldn't take it. They both graduated from high school. One was very social and the other not at all. The both had good jobs/careers now and good relationships with their life partners, though there were many time that I worried about them. Your son needs you, and your support. Others can tend to grandpa whether he likes it or not. You are an adult and don't have to do things his way. As to you being no good - whoever says that needs a whack on the side of the head with a 2x4!!! I would want to agree with them and then tell them to find someone better and walk out of their life. "You are right that I am no good. I will back out and you can find someone who is good." Surely aunt can help with this! If you are financially dependent on grandpa, he and aunt will use this and you will be jerked around until you are independent.

loo - yes - more to do but less direct involvement. I think it is an improvement. You have to kick them out of your head too less they take up too much space.

brandy - I think the others have said it. Sounds like it is very difficult to see your mum. It is getting more and more that way for me, due to my own health issues and the distance. So be it. We have to accept the realities.

famdram - sis has cut her son in law off her fb page apparently because he shows too many gardening pictures. She bought the house with fairly large grounds and her daughter and sil rent from her I believe - anyway pay their share one way or another, and they all occupy the house together, Her son in law does all the ground maintenance and gardening and does a very nice job of it, growing organic veggies for the household as well. Frankly, I rather enjoy his gardening pics. I think sis is attempting to divide and conquer. It puts her daughter in a very difficult situation. I have noticed a few remarks on fb that led me to believe that there was trouble between sis and her son in law. He is not my favourite person, but he is her daughter's husband and he does contribute well to the household, sis's daughter does the cooking and cleaning and they both have jobs so sis is well looked after. The couple drink a lot but still seem to keep things going. With mother pretty well out of the picture as far as game playing is concerned, I think this is a new game. My nephew said that sis is going to visit them again. She hadn't seen them in 5 years and now wants to visit. New game there too, I guess. I am staying out of it. Mother tried the divide and conquer with me and Gary and it backfired in her. I didn't visit her for months.

Took gd Em for lunch yesterday. What a lovely girl/young woman she is growing into. She has a good sense of herself, confident, but not brash at all. She has just turned 11 but is starting adolescence. She conversed very nicely over the meal, but still showed the :little girl" in her when desert arrived and dove into the whipped cream which adorned the cheese cake she had ordered. It was good. I got out for a short walk before the heat descended. It smelt like summer - a mixture of grass and wildflowers - lovely. Having good days and not so good days but mostly just tired, which goes with the infection and all I have to do is take the meds and rest, rest, rest. Slowly, like the cat, getting better. He is home now and wobbly but each day showing a little bit of progess. I have been having some flashbacks re Gordie and Toonie - to be expected this time of year, Grief waits for you to have a quiet moment...

The SW asked if G and I had set a date. How can I set date when I don't know what they are doing with mother and when? Sure set, a date and plan a wedding and then in the middle of that have to move mother, set her up in a new place and have an auction to dispose of her extra things. I don't think so! For me, that is a recipe to set off another infection flare up. I cant afford it. I really need to impress that on the SW. She hasn't got it yet.

About 74 now going up 90. Better get out now before it warms up much more. Here the heat comes late in the afternoon.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you!!!

Well -- I guess I have to re-re-RE-evaluate things with my brother. Maybe. I don't know. Brief background: we're not close, he's a recovering alcoholic who's been sober now for decades, but we just haven't had anything to do with each other since we were probably 9-10 years old. When my dad died in December 2009, he seemed to want to re-start family relationships, and we tried, but it was very awkward, and he started fading away again. Ok, fine. I'm content with this, I just don't want the back and forth. It was hurtful at first, because this happened right as my mother started really sliding, and I felt foolish for thinking he'd 'be there.' A few months ago, after no contact of any kind, except for a silly facebook email from his wife on Easter Sunday telling me they were breaking up, which turned out to be a false alarm, he called, and in a very crude way, asked for money. I know he's got money worries, but it was one of my fears that I'd be in this position, and lo and behold, there we were. I let him down as kindly as I could, but was very angry, and decided to write him off completely.
So, fast forward a few months, to today. He called me after visiting my mom (very brief visit, first one in a few months -- and I don't blame him a bit for that). He got her version of events, and I gave him mine. He was very supportive, understanding, and thanked me for taking care of everything. And then explained his own situation with his MIL (his wife can no longer take care of her, they're making arrangements to move her into a board and care -- and this is after her detox for pain pill addiction, Yikes!). I was happy to have spoken with him, and we wished each other the best, and so ... there you go. I won't write him off today. :)