The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hellooo,
Well. Went to tour one NH, and another one on Saturday. Still not getting buy in from Charles and MIL, but I want to have this option nailed down if needed. There is a waiting list at one place, I already went to this one and it looks like it would be good for FIL. The place I am going to on Saturday sounds like it focuses on keeping everyone busy. Not sure that is going to work for FIL, he will not be playing bingo or going on outings to restaurants. Although you never know, he might surprise me.

Hello to all, hope things are more peaceful today...
Thanks for listening,
Christine

ME, thanks for the appreciation and compliment! I haven't heard that in such a long time from anybody in my family. It actually brought tears to my eyes. I will have you all as my family from here on out. Love you guys!

And all of you thank you for everything you do for your loved ones and tjose others you care for. Yes, Ladee, even Cujo! We are all doing great jobs of it! Give yourselves a pat on the back! (And a raise, if only it were that easy!)

looloo- Do you sleep? You definitely are busy and need to have a personal assistant for you :) I been working on a schedule to do for future but not past/present. Now Im curious! Hopefully you can get some rest. Hugs

camaryllis- Good luck finding the right one. Its good your able to still have some time to research them! Your right you never know, hopefully he will play Bingo or something!

gladimhere- Your welcome :) And welcome to my family! Isnt something how people connect from all over the world here, helping each other, seeking support and we rely on each other more then anyone else it seems? I love you all here too, and am very happy I found this site. Well, looks like you all are stuck with me!!! Thank you too glad for your support!

Well, Im here again today because Im just done on how to split me. Seriously, Im just not giving enough time for everyone, esp kiddos. As I just wrote a few hours ago, not gonna repeat all, just continue....

The dog has to go to the Vet because she is 10 months, spayed and has "peed" on herself while lying down, twice. Its as if she didnt notice she did it, and when I ask her what happened, poor puppy looks sad and down. I never yelled at her, just asked. She is potty trained, so its not that. Anyways, my dad is blowing up mad because I now have to be with grandpa and he doesnt want the other dog alone because he goes crazy when his sister isnt here. I mean, he really gets all bent out of shape, jumping the dog gate and piece furn I have to block him from other rooms!

I feel I owe grandfather even more now that he promises to leave the house to us. If I tell him no when its just cleaning and he already hired the girl, I still feel I can never tell him no. IDK what to do.He got upset that I would be at his house at the old time of 8:30 instead of 6:30pm!!! Just so I can attempt to clean my home!!! Well, most of the time he doesnt need me, and he has a phone to call me, neighbors in an emergency. I have the P.E. uniforms my son needs somewhere in a box in the shed that my daughter "passed" down that I have to sort through before Monday!!! School is Monday and they are graded on P.E. Uniforms!! I dont have the money to just go buy more either. Oh P.E. clothes are unisex and was what my daughter wore a couple years a go so I packed it knowing by son would fit it this year. So another reason I needed to be here! I wonder, how is this going to work when Im asking dad or son to go down in place of me ( acting as if Id be at work) and they get a little upset! Whats going to happen when I am at work? Grandpa probably yell at me Im not there for him, but under same breath hes happy Im working uggh!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, anyways, yes, Im going to gpas early, he wins for tonight because I had no get up with pep to clean here when I have to do what I have to do 2morrow. Am I going to try to get out of it? Yes, flat out tell him I cant move furn and pics, and fragile figurines! I really am clumsy lol, I LOVE PLASTIC EVERYTHING! I collect plastic cups and swear by the plates too haha. Ok a bit of subject but true!!!!

Well, sleep well everyone!!!!!

Me1000, yes, I do sleep. Whenever there's a crisis, it's hard not to toss and turn. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night, thinking, planning, worrying, but overall, I am early-to-bed-early-to-rise. Sometimes I'll take Nyquil if I'm really anxious, but that's very rare (I did indulge earlier this week though, and it helped).

Me1000 -
1. You don't owe anybody anything. Let's get that straight. Promising property is easy to do. Following through is something else entirely. If he's serious about that, it needs to be done now to make his estate probate a lot easier! I'm not there and didn't hear anything in person, but I'm terribly jaded by nature. The promise of a house later if you do everything exactly like I want now seems like manipulation to me. If the paperwork doesn't back up what he's saying, don't count on a house. There will be nothing you can do about it after the fact.

Even so, you are within your rights to set boundaries on that relationship and the work you are able to do. If you aren't enough, then that's too darn bad. Stop saddling yourself with unnecessary obligation to the detriment of yourself and your life.

2. When I got saddled with my mom's care, I had a chat back at the ranch. I gathered my darling family members up and explained that I have a new and never before seen level of responsibility on my shoulders. As a result, "thangs be changin up in here!" You're all going to have more chores, more responsibility too, and I know you can rise to the occasion. My left boot will help you if you need it.

To offset that, it's important to spend time with the kids. Probably more important than anything else, even Grandpa. I was kind of MIA for a few months, and my young teens started acting up, being snots, and pretty mouthy. They really missed me and needed me to be around more. So, mom didn't get me "on tap" anymore and she started acting up, being a snot and really mouthy. Turning out nice young people was more important to me than trying to keep mom satisfied (not possible).

List out your priorities. Post them on your mirror. Post them at work. Put them in your pocket. And then stick to them. Life sucks when it's out of balance. When other people demand more than they can get out of you, well, their upset feelings are their problem.

Very quiet here!!!

When I went to work yesterday, I checked the schedule for next week. I am scheduled to have Mon/Tues off and work the rest of the week. Because the dept manager is on a mini vacay for 5 days and won't be back until next Tuesday, she was not there. I told a co-worker this is not going to work, I am leaving for Idaho on the 14th. I asked the dpet manager last week if I was going to get my vacay and she said it should be ok. My co-worker said to com line the assist store manager right now, tell him you have non refundable tickets to Idaho and the dept manager told you last week it should be ok. I did, he said we will work something out. We changed the schedule around with the assist store manager's approval...however, they still need a closer for next Sunday. Our dept manager can deal with that when she comes back on Tuesday.

It really is a shame to cause extra upset with people due to your own oversights but it seems to be notorious for this store. Then a customer comes in around 2pm, said his buddy's mother just passed away and people would be coming to the house within the hour. I said you want party trays...here are our trays and the sizes and prices. He picked out 6 different party trays. We started to work on them...the customer asked...will you have them done in about an hour? "A" told him yes about an hour because we still have to help other customers that approach the deli.He looked at me and winking,saying in about an hour...I said yes!. He had already passed the remark to "Y" that "A" did not seem very on board with this..."Y" said, oh "A" is just like that nothing personal. After the customer left, "A" said, and if you pressure me to go faster, I will just go slower and see how you like that. Really??? This man's buddy's mother just died have some compassion...not to mention capitalism and a plus for our dept for giving great customer service to a customer going thru a painful situation. "Y" made excuses for her...she doesn't do will with people. Ok...I get that...when I was "A" age, I was the same way...but I was held accountable for it, hurt very badly in order to wake me up and force me to grow as a human being.. No one wants to do that today. What do you all think about that??

looloo- glad you get your sleep!

sandwich42plus-Thank you, I know, Im not counting on it and still planning well was to save once Im working for a used mobile home or similar, Idk what Im doing anymore. I list priorities and it goes to the shredder. I went out today because my dad wanted me to go, we fought all the way to the dog store and back because I am just done, didnt want to go and wanted to get started cleaning here, I couldnt even finish my shower because I had to talk to grandpa when he called. I hate going out, I hate trying to put on a show of smiles and talks to people,they see it in my face when I walk in, I try I do I just cant. I want to be by myself no calls, no company, no in public. Im so drained and its non stop he$$ of arguing if I dont jump for everyone. I dont work, but I need to otherwise I cant pay bills and I can lose my kids, but I have no time to work, and now, its to the point I dont want to be around people.. I love talking to people and strangers..well, I used to. I jump on everyone even if its just one word of"hello". Im trying to be here for others but Im finding it harder and harder everyday. How can I offer help when I cant help myself?

Im sorry you had such a hard time with your family as well, the kids understand a little but not fully, glad you were able to get them back to where they were, of course you had to handle your mom.

sharynmarie- Hopefully everything works out for you, enjoy that vacation! I know people have to follow rules on the orders but under certain circumstance, not everyone things ahead because their mind is so cloudy, I know that all to well. Its nice of you to help him out!

I wish I could say "A"'s mind is cloudy...the truth is she doesn't like being inconvenienced and not able to leave work on time. This isn't the first time she got mad due to a last minute order. Oh well we get a new store manager on Monday...he was the await store manager at the store I worked at here in town..
He can be tough...very serious.

Assist store manager not await.LOL!

Can you believe its only been 2 hours since I wrote on this part and Im living in complete non stop hel$ now? Of course that isnt new. I haven't been able to clean as my son as his name calling and violence are keeping me busy. Everybody is arguing and yes yelling and a lady who keeps coming for some darn survey heard it all. ( she wont stay away her and her company.. we tell em no... next step threaten police come) People ignore my signs of no door to door, English and Spanish, no company, they still come.

Anyways grandpa was upset and telling me you should be done down there you can do your stuff later you cant have that much I need my windows done now.. oh my god whats wrong with you etc"! A call an hr later, he told this to my dad( I explained previously my house what and where I need to look for the clothes and etc my son is acting up I just cant!!!! )Well Im loudly saying I have lost it!!! Im not in the mental state to be near anyone, I cant do this .... someone can fix your lunch and dinner like dad, neighbors ...I can clean windows later tonight in the background while hes telling that to my dad. Honestly I dont want to go down tonight... I dont want to be home either...My kids wont help with anything.......dad cant physically but is now trying because I cant.. I cant touch anything Im shaking.. Imy mind slips and I cant finish whatever it was,, I have to stop ... my mind is fried... I get up and leave my room and I start feeling sick.. Im so upset.. Im so done ...I look at everything to do around.. waiting for the phone to ring and get yelled at... well, I get yelled at here too, and yes hit by my son. Isnt it something, I get beat up by my son!! If he doesnt hit me, he throws things.. anything at me...all of us. Remember I told you all he was violent.

Grandpa keeps calling for me to help ask questions omg I just want to be alone from everyone! Im sure thats how u all feel with me too being on here several times a day.. Im not allowed to go anywhere ..Im in hel$... or prison or something. My son again hates me, wished I was dead again, I really lost it and told him one day he will get his wish and hopefully that will make him and everyone happy........


Im so sorry Im really sorry.. Its something how I came here to see what I wasn't doing for my grandpa , what else I can do for him, as well as my dad ..to now its all about me, all about how I cant balance anything..cant fix anything.. Im sorry its either all in my head or this is my real life?

Hi Everybody,

I've been reading about the ADD, etc.
I recently saw some information on one of the news channels, and educationally speaking some experts were questioning the traditional method of education used in most countries. One person stated that there was a growing question about the validity, and even the benefit of putting young children through pressures of tests, and so much homework, as it relates to a beneficial learning environment for kids.

My sister and me have always suspected that golden boy, our brother could have ADD. He was super hyper as a kid, and didn't know how to follow things to their conclusion. This I'm sure was attributable by possibly the wrong messages sent to him, by both our parents of being a little leader w/in our family, he being the oldest boy. Of course this whole idea never served me, in any way, since truth be told, I had to be thee most responsible one; I was the eldest sibling.

I applaud all of you, who have dedicated time, and have become advocates for your children who were affected by ADD, ADHD.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

surfacing again...
karan - is it time to look at alternatives for yourself. it sounds like you are in a very stressful and negative environment. Maybe your social worker can help.
vjohnson -I am so sorry about your situation. "Who says things like that to their child?" Many of us can identify with that. it is a good idea to check Medicaid and also va benefits. Maybe approach your local agency on aging and also social services to see what resources are available. Yes. you need to get a job.

cm and renea - good advice

me -I don't know where to start. You can say No to your grandfather and to others. Like sandwich, I think that unless he has set up something in writing about the house going to you, he is just using it to manipulate you. Beware the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. You sound like you are in continual stress and that will, if anything, make your kids worse, as they are living in chaos. You really have way too much on your plate, and are letting others run your life. There was some one else on this site whose father wanted her to live with him to give her kids a nice home and neighbourhood, and so she could look after him. It was h*ll on wheels for her and her kids. Finally she moved out. I can't remember what arrangements were made for her father's care, but she was much, much happier in her own home, even though it was smaller. Just because your grandfather doesn't want to hire someone else, doesn't mean you are obligated to look after him. Your kids need a good routine, less stress and you available to help them with their pribllems. sandwich it sounds like you had that routine down pat

to continue - me you need some time for you too, and with all you have on your plate there is none and that can only last so long until something breaks. I don't think there is enough of you to go around to all the things you are trying to do. You don't have to answer the phone every time gp calls, or anyone else. It should not be about how you can do more for your grandpa or your dad. It is about you and your kids first. They and you come before grandpa and dad. What sandwich said is right. Grandpa is just getting more and more demanding. Mother would be like that if I gave in to her. She has been incensed when I put the kids or grandkids before her. Tough. She has knocked me off her will. I think I am back on now - whatever. You need a job and income for you and the kids and your life together. Let gp take a flying hike and concentrate on what you need. He won't like it, but whatever. You can't please all the people all the time. Your son may be acting out partly because he is not getting what he needs at home. I am not blaming you. You have too much to deal with. I found things went smoother with my kids if I looked after their needs first.

Sandwich - well put!!!! I so agree "When other people demand more than they can get out of you, well, their upset feelings are their problem" Actually other people's feelings are always their problem and not yours/ours.

Loo -I am not surprised that you can log a lot of time. I feel that I put in a lot too, whether it is simply searching online for washable outfits that fit her and that she will wear (hopefully), or dealing with various financial/business matters , or trips there or etc. It is not just time, but money too. Then there is even mail that has been erroneously redirected here for her which belongs to someone else. I need to do something about that. And with limited energy, I wonder why I don't get my own stuff done.

Christine -good for you. Would Charles and/or mil buy in better of the doctor was firm about it?

glad - I think of you as a pillar of strength and a very well organised lady. I have no doubt you are doing an excellent job, even in the face of the opposition you get from your narc sis.

Sharyn -sounds like you work with some immature people. Hope your vacay time off doesn't cause any more problems. I know you are going to go anyway

Marg - your bro probably is ADHD. That can get lost in a dysf home. Good observations. It is a tremendous amount of work, but it has paid off. Kids with these problems must have the support of their parents or at least one parent. A wise psychologist once said to me "Let them know that you love them". I am still working on that.

new developments with mother a new post for that I think

I think we are making progress with mother, She has been taking her injections without a fuss - not that that couldn't change at any time. They are given every two weeks so there is not much of track record yet. Had a long chat with the sw who saw a letter mother sent to my sister saying the sweaters sis sent mother were cheap yada yada. The sw was a bit shocked. I said mother could turn on me like that anytime and worse. SW said by all means do not take her to the mall. I also told sw that it will take me months to get this candida flare up healed and my energy back. It is the worse one since the original one 5 yrs ago which took several years to heal. Just my reality and I have to avoid stress. G heard me this time too, so he, who wants to be helpful, may be moving mother into the next facility by himself. The sw is getting the process going to get mother re evaluated and on a wait list. Then came a bit of a bombshell. She "hopes" the evaluation will put mother at the next level of care. Dammit - she is 102, has BPD and vascular dementia which is obviously progressing. She needs the next level of care - not assisted living as she had. She needs someone to give her her meds, and generally look after things for her. Even if she tests OK by the physio or occupational therapist and psychologist they need to take into account her mental state, her physical state, and her emotional state. Aaargh. Oh well, I believe it will have to be a closed unit regardless, which is good. I asked about her showering, as it looked to me like she hadn't showered in a while. The sw said it is part of the dementia. I may call the unit and ask when they last tried to get her to shower. SW said they will make her eventually. If it is her refusing to shower that is a big change. She has refused a perm for now, but sw says she is getting her hair done occasionally. Well, not much I can do about all that. Need to set up file folders for her. The file cabinets were in the basement, then out on the back deck after the sewer problem and I got them upstairs a little while ago, but haven't felt with it enough to tackle that job - brain fog - and I hate filing.

Fruit flies are proliferating here - didn't get the garbage out in time. I set up my fruit fly traps and they .are working well.

We may get mother moved by Christmas, God willing. I really hope it doesn't stretch out into Jan and Feb with the extreme cold which makes everything harder.

Sharon - the due date is coming soon!!! Exciting!!!

Have a good week everyone - do something good for you. Think I will get my hair done this week. At least that does not take much energy. (((((hugs)))) to all.

Emjo, I had a chat with my aunt probably TWO years ago. She was telling me who should not be living in my house, it is a long time friend, sort of in his way holding down the fort, feeding my cats, babysitting my stuff, etc. She also said what a shame this thing with sisters has gotten to this point. She did not understand why this was happening because everyone knows what Mom has always wanted.

I told my aunt about the friend, that it is NONE of her business or anybody else's who is in my house! Also told her that I had heard this lots before so I was very prepped for her comment! The gall of some people! And I also told her my sisters are doing themselves a terrible disservice because all their bit##ing and moaning is actually helping to motivate me to continue to care for Mom to the best of my ability. I will get this done, at least until I cannot any longer. And I will be DA**ED if sisters will have anything to do with MY decision of when I can't do this any more! I always was contrary that way. :/

Agreed - absolutely none of her business. I like your attitude - when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I fought all my life to make my own decisions against continual flack (advice)from mother. I was da**ed if I was going to be a robot and do what some one else wanted me to do. I was going to make my own choices and they may or not may coincide with what someone else wanted.

I understand.

Yes, I am hoping my vacay is not going to jeopardize my job and am planning to ask my b/d deli manager again on Wednesday with witnesses. I do not trust this store...too much drama and I am very stressed out tonight because of "A" and "Y".

"A" complained to the store manager about some things that I have not been taking care of at night. However one the things I do every night which is bleach out the white cutting boards. I had the center store manager sign off on all the violations that "A" complained about...but I told him she and "Y" do the same thing. Tomorrow, I will let it be known that I am tired of cleaning out salad debris from the raw chicken sink which is a sanitation violation....I am tired of spending 15-20 min of my time every night clean the salad debris out of the other sinks,.....this is why we have a very large strainer/colander so the opener can rinse the salad bowls in the colander to collect all the salad debris so it does not collect in the drain. She refuses to follow procedure on several issues but I have ignored it because we are under staffed. However, if she wants to mess with me, I will start calling her out on every single one of them and reporting. I really hate these be-atches....drama makers who think they own the department and don't have to answer for anything. I know I am probably trying to win a losing battle since the two have joined forces...I will just start putting in for a transfer every single week.

There was a big confusion regarding my mother's new medications. The order from the dr was faxed to them on 7/28...I hand delivered the new meds on Thurs 7/31. The nurse told me on 7/31 they would start the Lexapro that evening and the Namenda the next moring. Sis called them on Tues this week and was told by the nurse they started the meds on 7/28 and that our mother was taken to the ER by our brother over the weekend. My sis said...excuse me...why was my brother called to take my mother to ER and not me when I am the one with DPOA? This is my mother you are talking about so please check this out.. The nurse told her, I am sorry...I don't have access to the computer right now ( sis said she could hear her typing in the background). Sis told her our mother's name and said is it my mother you are referring to? Then the nurse said...oh, I am sorry...but Yes we started the new meds on 7/28.. I went to see mom on Wed...8/6. I asked the med tech how my mother was tolerating the new meds ( I was not aware of the conversation between sis and the nurse that day before), the med tech told me they just started mom on the Lexapro the night before and the Namenda on Wed 8/6. They wanted to finish out her old scripts so they would not have to destroy the meds before they started the new meds. That made since to me so I sent sis an email telling her this info so that she could cancel the 8/11 appt with mom's dr since he wants to see her after she has been on the meds for 3 weeks. So sis emailed me back telling me about her convo with the nurse the day before...I called the memory care...the nurse was not available...I left a message. I emailed sis back telling her I called them...She called them and of course they called her back almost immediately...I didn't get called back for about 3 hours. I am going to email my sis that she needs to inform me of any convo's that she has with them so I know what is going on or I am wasting my time taking care of mom's medical.

Sharyn, no question, you all need to be on the same page. I rely solely on email to communicate with siblings regarding Mom. I do not need any of the he said she said nonsense! In fact POA sis at one point emailed me to tell me I should call her with important things. I responded that time has shown that I NEED documentation of notifications, but I would also text her when needed.

Document, document, document...EVERYTHING!

Emjo, it's the vagueness of the sw's responses that would drive me batty! "Hope" for the next level of care. "Eventually" she'll be given a shower. "Occasionally" she'll have her hair done. None of those statements are worth anything to you, they're nothing more than CYA (Cover My A--) statements. Hoping you get some clear detailed info from the social worker that demonstrates her commitment to your mother's care.

Margeaux- thank you and I agree with you, tests make almost everyone even worse with or without issues! ( h.w. too) Im sure you and your sibling went through a lot of stress too, living with someone with issues is not easy either. I think thats some parents, incl myself get so caught up in keeping the one child calm etc it takes a little more time away from our other kids. Its not fair to you all. I hope everything is better for your brother and you! Thank you

emjo23- Thank you and I see what your saying, as well as sharing the story of the OP who got away from it. It gives me courage like the OP I also read with 6 kids here, and is married, I say I can too and when it comes time, I dont. My son was actually born with the waking up 4 times a night and at 1 1/2 old he really started his ways, every year worsened. I was always with him except for school. But, since I have gone down nights -12 hour nights and for a month or so all day.. recently, yes, both my kids were making comments I was gone, wasnt there etc. So the days I have cut back dramatically esp since they are out of school and night well,is the same. My grandpa is upset because I want to only be there about 9-10hrs a night and lunch and dinner (for now until job then just dinner) and a little more times on weekends or whenever days off if job....so I can help my kids get ready in the am, h.w. at night and lil time with them. I have kids school and scout functions coming up and hes upset...but yet.. says hes fine lone hes just lonely. We got neighbors who can check on him call and or go by swapping off, my dad too every hour for a min at least. Oh well, he wont. Im glad your mom isnt giving a hard time about the injections. Hopefully it all works out and 102 is awesome, but I agree with you that she should have more care. I dont like fruit flies either, or flies! We used to use that long strip sticky thing hanging from the ceiling but they wouldn't go on it! Plus it leaked!

sharynmarie- I wish you luck and enjoy!

gladimhere- so, we share an Aunt? My Aunt also says who can be in my home although Im an adult! Good luck!!!

I thought my husband's family was normal compared to mine....ugh. I love MIL and FIL But when we asked for help with them from his brothers , they refused "This will be good for you" they pompously declared. They have no respect for my husband. He is the most hard working, kind and loyal person I have ever met. At every chance they put him down. He is not a "professional" like they are but we own a moderately successful honest business. We are able to put both our daughters through college with the money we saved before the caregiving. Now we barely have a business. We almost lost the business 3 years ago because of the demands of caregiving. The struggle has been none stop. We have figured a way to stream line things but why?, while his bothers own mansions in FLA, and go on cruises once a month. We haven't been on vacation for 4 years. I love my husband but I hate what his family is doing to him. Don't they realize (they do) I am the one doing all the work for their parents. I believe we earned the respect...Where is it? The thing that scares me is there is no money to take care of us. I am putting my children through college to have a life not to take it away.

Does your MIL and FIL have any money to pay for their care? If not, would they qualify for medicaid?

FIL passed 3 years ago :( MIL makes 100.00 over the criteria for Medicaid. She refuses help from anyone but us. Last time I tried, her reaction wasn't pretty. I am still trying to figure a way, creatively, to get her help. I attend a support group once a month and have taken training courses and have become certified to work with ALZ and dementia patients. MIL is still healthy enough to be in her own home. Her dementia is routine based so it's functional. She is a lovely person, but she doesn't do anything with out my help. She doesn't drive. I bath her, maintain her home inside and out. I do all shopping and meal prep. I've tried hiring people for our company to pick up the slack while I'm caregiving. That turned out to be a mistake on all three occasions. The brothers don't do anything except accuse us of improprieties and promise things to MIL without following through. By improprieties I mean take liberties with MIL $ (they think it's theirs). I made sure she had a new dress for one of their functions (we weren't invited to) that was an inappropriate use of her funds to them. ( I am POA and husband is back up) I'm not sure what they think, but they act like POA is a golden ticket or some kind of affirmation of their parents love. Oh my, to us all it is, is a work order. They have been abusive and wrote us off.... Their maniacal behavior is very scary, which stops us from reporting to them, financially. So many people on this site seem to think that if there is no communication, you are hiding, so you must be stealing $. SIL talks to MIL everyday I've been hoping that is enough for them. I have a different point of view them all of them. MIL deserves to be happy. A few of her bucks to fix up the yard so she has something beautiful to look at and not have to worry about tripping on roots, is a good thing...not an attempt to increase the property value. FYI, I set up the living trust for the house in all three boys names (and they know it). I live everyday like this is the calm before a really bad storm.

Happy Monday! Had a lovely day yesterday. Had the house to myself. Got up early, had a VERY long walk/jog in the park w/my dog, then did a much more thorough job than usual cleaning the house! Also gave my dog a bath, lol. And got a bunch of filing done-both my own stuff and my mother's. And watched maybe one too many murder shows on t,v., haha. Guilty pleasure!
Hope you all have some moments of peace and productivity this week :)

The summer is almost gone. Today I am spending the day with a friend whom I rarely see: lunch and walk on the beach! What joy there is when you take time to find it.
I am very grateful I am on my own and Mom is busy with others today.

Me1000 - I'm going to be really blunt here, but I don't intend to be mean. You need to grow a backbone honey. You get treated like a doormat because let it happen. You can't change all these other people, but you can change how you respond to it. Only you can make changes that will make life better.

You are NOT powerless in all this. You are just passive. I'm not saying be aggressive. I am saying that you don't have to be the Cinderella here.

Just because the phone rings does not mean you have to answer it. Just because somebody asks/demands does not mean they get it right this second. Just because you are surrounded by people who seem very selfish does not mean you have to continue catering to it.

They have been trained through years of experience that they can push you around. You are going to have to retrain them and it might take time.

Learn to say NO and mean it. Stop answering the ___ ____ phone for one. Unplug it from the wall if you have to. Stop being a slave to everyone else. Clearly they are able to make priorities and have them met because you are helping meet those priorities to your own detriment. You have to stop feeding this situation you hate.

Your son is acting out because he is not getting his mom and he needs his mom. This situation has gone south and you are going to have to make some drastic changes to turn it around. List your priorities and work that list.

I would pull your son aside, outside the house, maybe go to the park or something and talk. Tell him you are upset at how this situation is. Tell him you love him, and that you want to make it better. Ask him how he might be able to help. He might have some great ideas. Try to reconnect with him without anybody else around. And stay connected. Try to have a set time each week just the two of you go do something, even if it's just walk around the block.
Listen to him and don't take anything he says personally. Really listen without judgement. (It's really hard!)

It's probably hard NOT to lose your temper at this point, but try to really watch that. Expect your boundaries to be a big flop with everyone who ran them over in the past. Expect them to try to make it like it has always been. Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. And after that, stay calm some more. Losing it puts you on the same level as them.




If you're stopping your shower for other people's needs, then the first problem I would work on is inside yourself. I have had the phone brought to me in the shower, on the toilet, etc. and I educated that person VERY CLEARLY that was to NEVER happen again. Lock the bathroom door. Lay it out in very plain words that the next person who interrupts your bathroom time is going to lose an arm. If they keep handing you the phone in the shower, hang it up, put the phone down, and keep showering.

Reporting in from Planet Ruth - visited mom over the weekend. Trying to keep it to once a month and see how it goes. I should be able to tolerate once a month, especially if everybody goes with me! (See how sneaky I am...)

It was 11:00 in the morning and there she sat, in a wet Depends and a PJ top eating her 9:00 a.m. breakfast tray. I wouldn't dream of yelling at staff for this situation because I know how she is. She has always been contrary and bossy to the point of stupidity. If she's supposed to get up, eat, and take her pills, she will act like a three year old over it and practically hold her breath to get her way. So to prove her point to everybody, she had refused to get up, dress, put on dry Depends, and eat her ___ breakfast when normal people do those things. I guess she really showed us....*eye roll* All the staff I ran into told me they had been trying to get her up & dressed. I said "good luck with that!" The head nurse said that mom had been up and dressed once last Thursday. I'm sure she wanted to add "raising h_ll all over the place" but was too polite. Honestly it's better for everybody if mom stays in her room.

This is how she lived in NC in her house. In the dark, no schedule, no sense of hygiene. A giant pile of over-ripe, near rotting apples by her side. All the comforts of home.

I got the recitation of all the things supposedly stolen (that aren't missing). I got the list of everything she hates about her room mate (who is a very sweet lady). I also got the want list of things she doesn't have room for that I'm not going to bring back.

Mom is so paranoid that she thinks all the other patients she sees on the unit are there due to the things staff have done to them - not their advanced illnesses & dementia. Everybody there would be perfect if the staff hadn't made them like they are. OR...this is great. OR everybody else there is faking it to be fussed over. There's nothing wrong with them at all and they are faking it so they can get the orderlies to look at their naked butt. ('Cause you know how much 25 year old men want to see an old lady's incontinent butt. I hear it's very popular.) When she said that, I heard my son snort and laugh out in the hallway, and say something like "GR-OSS!"

She keeps trying to get me to leave money with her and I won't do it. She says she owes people money. For what? Who knows - she can't say. She just does and I shouldn't question it. I asked her if she'd started betting on the horses at her age and she just looked mad. (Mom's so Baptist she won't even play Monopoly because it might lead to gambling.)

I went to look in her drawers and closet cubby, and got yelled at for "plundering". Ha. If I had a dollar for every time in my life I got yelled at for that, I'd be rich. It's amazing. The difference is that now, I just ignore her. Yell away. I am plundering like a Pirate! Look at me touching everything! *touch touch touch*

I guess as far as visits go, it could have been worse. It's a pity her grandkids had to see her like that. She didn't care one bit that her 15 year old grandson and 13 year old grand daughter caught her in her wet smelly underpants and a PJ top. No shame whatsoever. I told the kids they could go in the hall and wait. This doesn't need to be the reason they end up in therapy later.

Sandwich, so sorry you had a rough visit. Do the grandchildren want to go? I sure would not make them at this point. If your mother were pleasant to them, that would be one thing. From the sounds of it, that is not the case.

How long has she been there? I know some on this site have recently placed their loved ones, but I sure cannot remember who.