The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sandwich, I vote for changing the visiting schedule to every 6 weeks, then 2 months...

Glad - mom fell in late April & went to this unit in May as a rehab person. When she stopped cooperating with PT, she moved down the hall as a regular resident/no longer rehab. This is where she'll stay until she needs hospice.

I don't make the kids go much at all. This is not a time where we are building precious moments together. If anything, they have learned how absurd life is. They see the nice elders, and they see my mom. They see what I have to put up with and how their dad helps me.

Looloo! I love the six week taper to every other month! Why didn't I think of that. Coulda had a v-8! Haha!

Sandwich, that is good I thought your Mom was one of those fairly recently. Makes me feel a bit better. You see I am a visual learner, and if you had told me about your Mom in a face to face conversation I would be able to associate the story better with a face.

Lovestinks- Sometimes you never know how someones family is until something major happens. So sorry you and your husband are being treated this way. Be careful you and your husband take care of yourselves as well. Idk if his siblings will ever realize what they are putting you both through. I wish you luck

looloo- Im glad you had a great day! Sounds wonderful even it is cleaning! Giving the dog a bath is fun overall though, least it is with ours!

juddabuddhaboo- Sounds so nice! Im glad you had a relaxing lunch :)

sandwich42plus-I know, I do need to grow one, easier said then done! At least for me. I told my kids and dad that unless he or they have fallen, the house is on fire or an animal is hurt, dont get me!!! Of course, so far, no one has listened..yet! I do have to stay calm, but if I dont get a rest soon, idk, im trying. YOur right , it would put me on their level. As far as my son, he has been this way before I cared for grandpa ( I mean Id bring food check on him but never nights, all days , detailed stuff until recently). I see what you mean though, my daughter last night asked me to watch something with her and I told her no because I had to get to my grandpas because he doesnt like be down at 8:30pm its too late, I have to be there at 6:30pm. So my evening is blah.

As far as your mom Im sorry it didnt go better for you all. If you feel you need to change the amount of time you go see her, then do it. What did your kids say?

sandwich42plus, You made me smile when you replied to looloo--- Thanks 4 that!!Ha

"Why didn't I think of that. Coulda had a v-8! Haha!"




**********As far as everything, its been crazy as usual. Kids started school,now second day, its a wild ride again. Grandpa told me to leave 5:30am this morning to help my dad get my daughter ready ( son with me most nights still) and come back when they were gone!! Um,,, I was going to leave at 6:20 am after he ate breakfast So I can scramble and feed my kids a few minutes before they go. Well, he doesnt like eating so early, I understand and told him its how it would be because I have kids and he wants me to get a job -yet after I drop off my kids at school, I may have to go straight to work( ok, well just saying possible) and yet I have to be back for lunch at 11am ? He kept making comments he was bored and lonely, well, he needs to hire someone to keep him company plus hes the one who sends the other girl home early all the time!

I wont be there all day if I work then, after he says feed my kids come first so feed them dinner then... run to his house back to mine to help mine with homework but yet I cant help If I feed him last because then I have to be back at his house by that time! He blames me for not washing something when I washed it already and thought the other girl was going to this time because she used to at certain times. Hes mad I gave him steak when we picked him up dinner because its to hard on his teeth and system but yet for months and in the months he has eaten it! And said I was not grown up or mature because I didnt like reg steak, only breakfast steak( thin)! He really put me down again and is getting mad because Im not jumping to run down to see who called, sit there when the nurse is there for a whole 5 minutes, etc!!!! I tell him what will he do when Im at work? He says" your not right now", well, I need to get my house done and something else while Im looking for a job or Ill never be able to look for one!!!

Im actually going to send my dad down for lunch again!!! I have been real sick with Im assuming what is my Acid Reflux, lets say, everything I eat is coming back up, daily. Im on the computer complaining when I have sooo much to do! Yiikes me!!! Ok, well, Im gonna stop and go get my kids rooms done as well as the dining room. Maybe once I get a job I shall hire an organizer and a maid! That will be my splurge money!

Ok not making sense yet again!!! Not upset this time just no caffeine!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just reading an article online about a new and promising drug that has rebuilt brain cells in mice. They are getting ready to begin research on humans. Maybe this one will work.

http://curealz.org/2014/08/are-brain-cell-regeneration-drugs-ready-prime-time

What a great day working with a young man who opened deli. I told the b/d manager and him...such an improvement over working with "A". Alas, he is only helping not premanent.

Today my daughters bp appt was not going well. They held her over to monitor her for over 2 hours before she texted me saying they sent her home...bp finally dropped to normal.I told her since she is getting close to the end, she probably has some anxiety about her appts. thinking this will be the day...so her bp is up when she first goes in.

Sis sent me an email saying she took mom in for her haircut and color but mom complained the whole time that the dye looked black, she didn't want black hair, etc. After the color was rinsed out and her hair cut and styled...mom said it was horrible. LOL!!..she always give sis a much harder than me and maybe this is a new normal for our mom and we won't be able to take her out for long periods of a time, I don't know...I will try her next hair appt and see how she does. If I can, I will go see her tomorrow before work.................One more day....and a 9 hour drive!!

:::Vent ahead,,,fair warning:::
Went to see three nursing homes for FIL. Two were good, the other meh. POA appt is 8/27. Think the atty. will come to the house, for a small additional fee. :) I am finally sold on the nursing home idea, now that I have seen some of them. Heck, I want to check in, let someone feed me and bathe me and all that! That might be an idea whose time is coming, a care facility for caregivers, haha.

FIL has been a bully all his life. He abused and bullied his wife to the point she basically ducks and covers if you look at her sideways. Charles told me last night he has no affection or really love for his dad because of the abuse. MIL wonders if Charles will be sorry he said that after FIL is dead. It is really sad. Major dysfunction, and a really fractured family, which now lives with us. Charles and I named our house Harmony. Because it usually is a tranquil place. Not so much anymore. The only good thing is that Charles and I have opposite strengths and are working together to solve this, and we are closer because of it.

Last night FIL fell. Again. Earlier, he couldn't stand up from sitting in the chair, so I helped him up and he couldn't scoot over to get his head on the pillow once I got him in there, so I had to scoop up his legs and move him around. Which is not a good idea for me to be doing. Anyway, he miraculously got up by himself at midnight or so, and wandered around, somehow getting one of my pyrex baking dishes and dropping it on the tile floor, and of course it exploded, glass everywhere. Then he fell. Into the glass. More shredded and bloody flesh on his arm. He woke Charles abruptly from being asleep and then started being an a** and pretty soon they were both shouting at each other. Waking MIL up. FIL said he couldn't get up, he was hurt, etc. He is an actor, so you never know what is real and what is in his mind. As you are getting him up he will say things like 'don't hit me, don't hurt me again', which is BS, as no one has ever lifted a finger to him. He is drama-filled. That makes me angry, as I can't tell when he really has a problem. He is trying to manipulate us and terrorize us, and even though he is not usually in his right mind sometimes he is so you never know what is next.

We have only had them for like four months or so. How do people do this for years?

I have called and emailed the Agency on Aging, and have not gotten a response to anything. Trying to get help from an agency that has personal attendants that the VA will reimburse for, but nothing is happening very fast there. Charles and I both work full time, and it is hard to have to be calling and doing this stuff during the workday. Waaahhh. Have to wait for the POA to maybe finally be done next week, then I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have a vision for how this can go. FIL goes to a facility. Either Charles or I can drop MIL off to visit him most days on the way to work and pick her up on the way home. I also want to enroll her in a Adult Day Care one day a week, she can have coffee with other little old ladies and make friends. I am really hoping that being free of FIL will help her. She is a mess, emotionally. And will be the next problem, but at least she doesn't have dementia. I have told Charles my vision, and he seems agreeable. Haven't told MIL yet, but I will. She is divided, grieving for him being so sick, and knowing that even if he is weak he can still hurt her so she has been keeping her distance.

Anyway, thanks for listening.
Christine

Camayrillis-sounds like you are moving in the right direction and soon you will have your Harmony house back. Have you mentioned if mil will continue to live with you and Charles or will she be going with her husband? Hang in there.

Getting the back of my car packed...diaper boxes, children books, my tripod, suit case goes in tomorrow morning. Well of to the pharmacy to pick up meds for bp and acid reflux.. and of course my hrt...cant forget that one.

Christine -- wow. Do you know how steady and determined you are now? And how clearly you are seeing things? I just want to say "Good JOB!!!" I'm not in your shoes, but it's obvious that you are getting there, believe me! I love your vision, and hope hope hope for calmer days for you and your family really soon! Hugs...

I overslept by 45 minutes this morning -- that NEVER happens! I actually wake up earlier than necessary just to have a few quiet moments befrore the dog needs walking and feeding, my husband gets up, and so on. Wasn't late for work, which was good - I just didn't have that 'extra' time.

Cam, When I bought my house it had a plaque on the front door "Beast House" I will send it to you.

Hi Sharyn,
Glad to hear your daughter is hanging in there...that is stressful but she will be okay.
Yes, MIL will stay till she is beyond our ability to care for. They are in their 80's.
Hanging... :)
Christine

Thanks, Looloo...
And haha, Glad, right now that fits! Arrgh.
Have a peaceful day
Christine

Is this the dysfunctional family conversation? Well, hope so at least. We have living with my mother in her home a multi-generational family. I am the caregiver for mom, 89, and my son, his fiancee and baby girl live here as well. Also a dog. Finding time alone and some privacy are some of the issues I face daily and I am sure this resonates with a number of you good hearted caregivers. Isolation from the community, never being able to see old friends or make new ones are issues as well. I am just doing what my Priest told me to do and that is to "take one day at a time." God bless all who post here.

*Insert all your favorite swear words here*

Mom had a psychotic outburst today and from what I can tell, had to be hogtied and taken to the hospital that has a geriatric psych ward. She has been kicked out of the nursing home (third strike I guess). I have to go get her stuff on Friday. Somebody at the psych hospital will help us find locked memory care somewhere. Honestly, when does the carousel stop? I am so disgusted. I had been waiting for this new stability to end, because it always does. So here we are.

Apparently the lady next door to mom had a medical event that required 911 to come. This triggered mom to start screaming, yelling, fighting, and go out of control. She couldn't be calmed, so they must have restrained her to take her in. I would have! She was threatening to kill herself to get out of there.

This is hard for me because it brings back all the old anxiety from when my son was getting kicked out of daycares & pre-schools for behaviors due to his Adhd & aspergers, none of which he could help or control. Nobody wanted to help, just blame and berate.

And she has been blaming me for all this all day long, which is no surprise at all. At least the psych coordinator told me I am doing a good job. I'm sure she sees this all the time, but still it's reasuring to hear. I never heard one word of encouragement from the teachers who gleefullytold us he couldn't come back to school. It gets exhausting to have "experts" blame away like they have something to gain by it.

I'm so tired of this. How many more trips around the mulberry bush do I have to do? If somebody offered to be conservator and guardian right now, I'd let them.

Sandwich, I started to write, but I got nuthin'. What a gigantic hairy ball of nonsense you've got to deal with. Hugs.

Sandwich, what a difficult time for you! Just remember it is only the professionals that you should listen to. They have seen it all. You are doing a good job. Oh and us caregivers, most of us, understand. How very frightening and frustrating for you. Remember, while she is in the hospital you can tell them you are not able to care for her any longer. Then they will have to find placement for her. I dread the day, and I am pretty sure it is going to come.

I guess I need to start keeping a spreadsheet to keep track of whether everybody's folks are at home or in a facility! What I would do for an edit function!

Sharyn - sad to see your mum decline and her world get smaller. Glad your daughter's bp came down. Once you are there, any time is good for the babies to arrive. I trust that you will have computer access there and will keep us posted. Safe travels.

Gloria hi - I remember you. How are you doing? Your grandchild must be somewhat bigger now. Hope you are getting some breaks. It isn't easy to arrange them.

loo - slept in - tsk tsk - at least you weren't late for work I don't get too fussed up about the eventual showering and so forth. It is a nuisance but is not life threatening - hers or mine. I may call the unit and ask the nurse there. Frankly I don't think the sw necessarily knows those kind of details. Choose your battles!!! Hope your mum's friendly neighbour is manageable.

glad - a spreadsheet - lol - easy to edit and move a person from one category or column to another. It must feel a bit anxiety provoking to have two seniors declining before your eyes.

Christine - The pyrex broke into smithereens and he fell into it - my idea of a nightmare. Maybe that helped Charles to see that a facility is a good idea. You have a great vision.

Me - how are you doing? I know it is hard to make changes. I have made quite a few, but it has taken a while. Austin used to post here and write about baby steps. Make a small change and find out that the sky does not fall in. Then take another step. People may get mad, but they are going to do get mad about something anyway. Wishing you good fortune in job hunting. I would think you would feel so much better once you are earning. Even if gpa did help and still is helping it does not give him the right to expect you to jump and ask how high on the way up. We had a thing going here about the Kick A** Women - KAW who wore blue tights, tuna cans in the right places and had magic bracelets to repel the bullets. Some of us earned tiaras - silver or gold ones. When the going gets tough, put on the blue tights... By the way - when are you seeing the doctor about that bleeding?

Speaking of KAW - sandwich, you have already earned your gold tiara - just don't forget to put on your magic bracelets. Psychotic episodes come and go and they have good drugs for them. It is absolutely nothing to do with you, and it is easy to write that from afar, but I know it can be nerve wracking. Physical distance helps. A geriatric psych hospital or ward sounds like the right place for your mum. It does help when the professionals tell you that you are doing a good job. Doesn't get rid of all the stress, but the support does help. I second whatever they have said. Your mother is very fortunate to have you in her corner. I don't think the carousel stops till they are gone, and even then I am not so sure. You know the saying 'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.' Easier said than done (((((hugs)))

Slowly getting through this infection, feeling stronger, doing more. Have lost interest in cooking, so I know I am sick. I usually can cook no matter how I feel. It is a balancing act using enough antifungal, but not too much - which gives me nasty symptoms. Od'ed on ice cream today, so prob need some more antifungal. and/or probiotic. The infection causes sugar cravings which I don't have normally. Have to give up my morning coffee for now as it sets off a lightheadedness/headache. Oh well, this too will pass. Lemon ginger herbal tea is nice.
I have a vote for incompetence. The government lady on the phone said I MUST have an original of the POA to get the government to send me mother's pension mail and accept my OK that she is still alive etc. I have a notarized copy - the original is in the lawyers office. I had visions of having to go to E'ton get mother to sign the form or to go to the lawyers office also in E'ton get an original and take it to a service center there. But I took what I had to the service center here and she didn't look at it twice, copied it and sent it off. Hopefully they can't tell the difference at the other end. I will find out next week. I want that one crossed off my list. Have a bunch of washable slacks here for mother, one pair needs to be hemmed up, then they can be sent to her at the hospital. The drycleaners can do the hemming. I can hardly thread a needle these days. I need a cataract or two removed, but that will have to wait a while.

Sleep well all and look after you.

Joan- hoping you are feeling better. I will catch up later...or never..LOL!! GOING TO BED ...GETTING UP AT 3am.

feeling better thanks, Sharyn. Sweet dreams and safe travels. You aren't excited or anything are you? lol

Super excited!!! Daughter told me last night her bp was up all day yesterday so she is excepting them to send her to labor and delivery today. Said she does not want to wait too long so she gets sicker and will have complications during delivery. I am trying to get there in time for her appt so I can see the boys on the ultra sound during the growth scan and non stress test. Take care everyone!!!

Sharyn, the timing is working out very well. Hug your daughter and have a wonderful visit. Hope everything goes smoothly.

Wow Sharyn! Can't wait to hear news, sending good luck wishes with you.

sharyn - hope you are driving carefully - such excitement!!! Prayers for all to go well.

Me1000,

I completely agree with Sandwich's post to you.
So I take it....that you spend the night at your grandfather's house?
Well all I can say, and only saying this based on your posts, is the fact that
you really need to get a grip on what is happening! Have you given it any thought, that the time is passing, time you really need to be dedicating to your children. Both your dad's and grandfather's demands sound way over the top, if you haven't noticed. Also realize.....that the elders in your family have already gone through their development and growing years, even if it's turned out this way. Your kids, well they're still developing. Make it good for yourself and them, by not placing such importance on these two inconsiderate men in your life, for if you don't, you may regret this sooner than later. Don't fall for your grandfather's offer of the house either.....that's sounds like complete nonsense.
Imagine in your mind......what would happen if you just did a disappearing act?
Mark my word......they'd be forced to seek out some kind of help, because you would not be available to their every little need. But only YOU, can make this happen.

Courage!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux