The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharynmarie,

I'm so happy that you're on your way, and definitely, safe travels.
I'm thinking about you and your growing family.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharryn, Yay! Babies do wonders for your mental health! Have fun...
Sandwich, OMG. I hope this episode ends soon...
EMJO hope you feel better...
Hello everyone else...
Well, Charles is waiting for the nurse to get there to look at FIL. And he has called the ambulance to be on standby. FIL can't walk, says he can't straighten his leg, and we can't lift him. Last night was a nightmare trying to get him from the couch to the bed. So off he goes. I am not sure what the outcome will be, guess they will take him to the ER and maybe he will be admitted from there. Charles works at that hospital, so he will bring MIL and go do his consults, and then I will go fetch MIL and try to take her to dinner or something. I almost feel like I am waking up from a nightmare. Anyway, we'll see if this is the beginning of the trip to the NH, and if my 'vision' manifests. Whew.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

Christine - fil's problems are increasing rapidly. You don't have to take him home from ER. If that happens they are obliged to find him a placement. I know it would be up to Charles to take that stance. Hopefully this time. Sounds like fil really does need the specialized care that only a facility and round the clock staff can offer him.
Feeling better slowly, thanks. Very frustrated today at what I have not been and am not able to do. That is always a sign I am recovering. ;)
Take care of you.

trying to think who has not been posting much, or not posting about themselves

margeaux - good input
countrymouse - how are things?
Alison - how are you doing?
Austin - miss your posts but understand that you have been busy
iwentanon - I gather things are getting more difficult

who have I left out? call if brain fog and seniors moments lol

Supposed to go up to 88 today so better get my running around done early, but I must say that the sunshine is nice.

Have a good day everyone

emjo23- Im trying baby steps and its so hard. That must of been neat about the blue tights and cans! No, no Dr about the bleeding yet. I thought I could get seen with no money and make payments next month nope! Need a little money upfront. Thanks

Margeaux- I was almost always with my kids before grandpa, even when I was bringing lucnh/dinner, most times son was with me. My son has been this way since he was little. Last year he showed improvement..a little anyways. I started full time with grandpa almost overnight after his last stint in the hospital, but have recently cut that back to mainly nights esp lately. My kids are welcome there at night, well, sometimes when my grandpa is mad at my son for not behaving or being violent of course grandpa says for him to stay with my dad. My dad isnt that bad, its just hes so ill and for him to keep going to grandpas and feed him, etc its hard. My dad is also very very week and dying himself but hes trying to help me with my kids, helps drive them everywhere, h..w etc. And they argue of course so another reason he didnt want to go. I agree with you they are developing, Im trying....

******* well son is home after 2hour violent meltdown, I told grandpa I was going to drag my son in the car so I can drop grandpa off at the Drs to sit and wait while I take my son to the E.R. and see if they could watch him for 3 days at the psych ward. " And I was crying upset and grandpa says no hold on, let me see if I can get a ride. (EARLIER he said my son will be calm the second my grandpa says hahahah never worked before and when in a severe rage..um..no) So he called me back and said he got a ride. Thankfully a neighbor was off work and this is the one that I have issues with but I am beyond grateful to her and for her. She still says Im not doing enough for grandpa. They still feel I should be there 24/hr a day, but know I have to take a lil time out for my kids. Well, we will never agree but am still glad she helps grandpa when I cant.

Grandpa called as I was typing this and he said Heart Dr said call back in Sept for Appt in Oct or Nov to change Battery pacemaker. What? In June he said called in Aug for appt in Sept thats when they check it again and it should be changed!! Yet now they are extending the months? Omg Im so mad! My grandpas breathing is worse, but, he has to wait. Plus his legs are getting worse by the day-

As far as my son goes, I am pulling him out of his school hes mad and claims hes happy but I told him if he stays home hes proving hes not happy. I already told his school now Im pulling him out, Secretary got upset said why ? I told her because hes been giving heck all week, maybe others are right? So in the background my son is yelling I wouldn't let him go !! Really? So he screamed I been mean to him! Me mean to him when he is the one threatening to kill me, pounding on the glass trying to break it again, threw chairs around, made a a hole in the box spring...etc etc. Im so stressed. Well, been thinking of giving in and calling an ambulance for him when in this rage to take him in a psych ward to get evaluated. I already called his Dr trying to get a referral and meds upped/changed. Well, long day ahead and its only 10:30am!!!

Hello again,
Well, Charles called the ambulance to get FIL, we can't get him out of the house and he seems to have forgotten how to walk. Got him there, and he has a broken hip. Well, that seals it, he will go from there to the NH. (you know the first few times I saw that abbreviation here I wondered why so many people were sending their loved ones to New Hampshire... :-}) Anyway, that is that. I will go pick up MIL from the hospital later, and we will all have a quiet restful evening. I will move her bed into the room he was in, after I shampoo the carpets and hopefully get some of the pee smell out. One thing I have been doing is making very strong lavender tea, and putting it in a spray bottle and spraying it around his bed. Thought it might give him more peaceful sleep but it also smells better than the faint hint of pee. I have scrubbed and washed everything multiple times. Maybe it is just me.

Anyway, this portion of the saga seems to be close to over. Charles knows the drill, we can't care for him at home any more after this. He will have to go to skilled nursing after the hospital. I have such mixed feelings. But it will be okay.
Thanks for listening,
Christine

Cam, wish I could send my mother to New Hampshire! Definitely a safe distance from the Welsh Borders… :)

I really don't want to sound callous about your poor FIL's hip, but my goodness it's an ill wind that blows nobody any good, eh? At the very, very least a much needed breathing space and a period of time to reassess the plan. And, not that you haven't been supporting her really well, but a chance for your MIL to catch her breath too, don't you think? She must feel like she's in free-fall, poor love. Thank goodness you'll be able to make sure she eats and gets some decent sleep.

Sorry I haven't been keeping in proper touch - I seem to have missed most of Sharyn's daughter's imminent event, for a start - but I'm all over the place emotionally, trying not to lose it with ex-SO (he's getting near the end of his post-op convalescence, thank God) and still in limbo with the house unsold. Feels like the calm before the storm, somehow, except there's no sign of the storm even on the horizon.

Waiting and seeing. Is this the most stressful activity known to Man???

Oh brother even the cat's on my case! Ok ok, I'm getting your dinner NOW...

Christine as CM Said "it is an ill wind' I really had been expecting this all along and as soon as I read your first post knew the hip was broken before I read the second. Hope he comes through the surgery OK. I don't think anyone is quite ready for the end yet but it could come really soon. Take a deep breath and stay calm for MIL this is going to hit her hard. Blessings and lots of hugs. There is some stuff that gets cat pee out of the carpet you might try that and a good steam cleaning.

Oh CM I feel so bad for you, this is absolutely the worst part. Has there been any interest in the house at all? Do you have a decent Estate Agent. they are far more pro active over hear and it is really cut throat. My brother and sister in law would like to sell their house up near Stafford and say the market is really dead up there. they want to come back further south to be nearer the family but have to sell the house first. Can't think of anything comforting to tell you. Why not start going and looking at possible new homes for you and Mum so you get an idea of what is out there. I think you said previously that Mum does have the money and could buy ex out. I am not suggesting that but would it work for her to buy a house? that really would be something positive you could get on with and give ex a shake up. I have a feeling that the status quo is suiting him just fine. Fence sitting is something men do pretty well as I have found out he's the one that wants out so show him how easy you are making it by moving even before the house is sold. Did they get all the cancer or will he need RT and/or chemo?
Think positive and take action. Hugs a million

Anti-icky poo is the best pet accident remover. They use it to clean up after crime scenes where there have been biological remains. So....

I appreciate everybody's support. It really does help! Go team!

The ____ hospital called me at 2:30 a.m. to tell me they were going to keep mom overnight in the ER. Um, don't you mean you ALREADY kept her overnight? I mean you have to laugh at this kind of stuff or it will drive you crazy.

Mom had two guards outside her door since she is an elopement risk.
I hadn't understood yesterday but she got OUTSIDE yesterday and was screaming and yelling at the BUIDLING for over an hour. Nobody could get near her. And she had interfered with the EMTs who came for the lady next door, who had the medical incident that triggered mom's explosion. Oh Lordy Ruthy, Ruthy, Ruthy what are we going to do with you?

After she can get some geriatric psych care, she will be going into a locked memory care unit.

ME, on that neighbor of grandpa's, ask her to watch your son for a few hours sometime and help grandpa with something. That would cook her goose, maybe literally. Then, maybe, she would begin to understand.

I have a family member with bipolar schizophrenia he is in his 40's now, been a very difficult life for his parents! I have heard stories like yours. How terribly difficult to have to provide care for grandpa, dad and then trying to keep your son on an even keel?! I cannot imagine!

Sandwich? So she is in assisted now? What are they saying about the aggressive behavior and controlling it? It seems that would be inappropriate for memory care too much an risk of injuring others. My guess would be that they would have to keep her in a Geri psych unit, or maybe a nursing home to try to get her meds adjusted first.

I am going to try to stay in touch more-I have been so busy since getting home from vac. C.'s eye surgery took up time-now on week two of first eye and week one of second-he does well with the drops. My son is going to start putting my new kitchen island together and will get rid of the Happy Days old kroon leg table -49 years is enough-first update of my kitchen. Our class reunion is next weekend 55yrs-C. and I were in the same class so it will be exciting.

Glad == Mom was in the nursing home/care center. She went from independent apartment to nursing home in May. We skipped assisted completely! She was in a dementia unit that had a secured elevator, but it was not "elopement proof" like the memory care unit will be. Here (at least) memory care seems to be code for the super-max security units because people at that level of dementia will wander. Mom won't wander, she'll march, kick, and push her way out. Her behavior is much like a wild animal who has been cornered. Because of that, and nobody could get near her, she got in the elevator and went in front of the building to rage at it for over an hour. Orderlies, police, and staff were out there with her, but nobody could get ahold of her. I would have LOVED to see this. I hate that I was stuck downtown & couldn't get there.
They were hoping she'd wear herself out or collapse I think. Just let her be under careful watch and see what happens. After 90 minutes, the EMTs & police somehow got her into an ambulance and took her to the mental hospital. They had no open beds, so she stayed there overnight Wednesday in the ER with two guards outside her door all night. Yesterday (Thursday) late, she was taken to a different hospital who had a bed open up in their geriatric psych unit. They had to restrain her and give her an injection to get her to even begin to calm down. Wow.
You gotta give her credit for endurance anyway!

So that's where she is now. I had to take some papers over today, so I got to talk to a nurse and one of the doctors. They are trying to find the right dosage of anti-psychotics. There are 6 therapy sessions a day they attend. So, I hope that helps, but who knows. Mom had brain damage already from a stroke in 91. Plus BPD, OCD, and dementia! Hooray! The dementia severely limits the possibility of improvement, so the therapy part might not be so important. I'll get another update on Monday.

camaryllis- Sorry about your fil breaking his hip, praying for a speedy recovery.

Countrymouse- waiting is hard, try to relax :)

Veronica91- good luck to your brother and sister in law selling their home.

sandwich42plus-The thing is when my son is in a great mood and with people hes not used to ( hes known them his whole life but not constant interaction like my two friends) but he was good with her when she was painting grandpas house. But after a bit your right, he would get comfortable and let loose! Hmmm, shall I hire her as perm day care? I do need someone on weekends so I can take care of grandpa and evenings if I work at night! Im sorry about your family member, its not easy. No one knows what they would do unless they were in our situation. Thank u :)

195Austin-Glad C.'s feeling better,congrats on your soon to be upgraded kitchen and have fun at your reunion!!

sandwich42plus- I wish your mom the best and they find everything they can to comfort her.

Yoo, Hoo Sharyn! We are waiting to hear from you. I sure hope all is going well with your daughter! And that you have a tablet with you or computer access!

Hi Glad!! We are taking things slow...my daughter and I did go out a bit on ;Friday and Saturday. Her appts last about 3-4 hours 2x's a week as tney send her across the street everytime to the hospital for non stress tests on the boys due to her bp spiking in the dr office 170/110 but once at the nospital, it drops down to 148/89 and stays there. Protein in the urine is stable at 1500 and as long as it stays under 2000, they are not worried..

She is very big and uncomfortable now. She tires out quickly. Tomorrow i will go out by myself give her and hubby space. Then monday back to more dr appts.

Baby A is approx 5 lbs 11 oz and baby is. B approx 6lbs. 2 oz. 12 lbs of baby in her, LOL!!

Wow Sharyn! That is huge for twins I would think. Know that I am thinking of you all.

Yes it is Glad. If she goes another 2 weeks, which is the limit of how long her drs will allow, she could easily have 7lbers.

Thank you everyone for all the good wishes and prayers last Thursday, I appreicate all the support!

I hope she has them soon. When are you due back at work?

I am leaving here on sept2...back to work on the 4th. I really suspect my daughters water will break and that will get things going. Why I feel that way, I dont know...just a feeling. LOL!

sharynmarie- Im glad your daughter is doing well! Congrats early before the boys are born :)

Hello...just found this forum and looked around for a "Introduce yourself" thread but did not find one. This thread title grabbed my eye so I will start here. If I'm in the wrong place, please redirect me :-)

I'm not the caregiver for my 87 y/o dad but am starting to feel guilty as time passes. I am in CO and dad is in NY. My step-sister (his step-daughter) lives close to dad and has been the main caregiver for a few years.
I will list the history rather than bore you with the details!
-Parkinson's diagnosis was made 3 years ago
-Dad was driving up until Dec 2012 (We persuaded him to stop)
-Still lives at home (two-story townhouse) with 24 hr. live in aid since Jan 2013
-Does not get out much that I know of. Takes some short walks outside weather permitting
-Mobility is decreasing (especially on left side)
-Not much, if any, social interaction with peers
-I have a brother, actually step-brother, in NH with no kids
-My sister has no kids
-I am married with a 7 and 11 year old
- I want to get dad out here
-Probably cannot have him live in our home because the thought of 24 hour care is not possible with our work/school/activity schedule
-The in-home care we are providing now alone is more $$$ than a nice facility out here

Here's the dysfunction part...you knew it was coming :-)
As great as my sister has been for dad, she lets him 'persuade' her decision making. Not that we're not letting dad be involved with decisions in regards to his care, but I feel he has passed the point of being able to safely stay in his current residence even with the aid.
I sure my brother is onboard with my thinking, not so sure about my sister. I know having dad out here in CO would be great for him because of the grandkids.

That's enough for now....HELP!!

Thanks.

Timetoact-
I too am in Colorado. Moving your Dad at this point would be very difficult for him. He should stay where he is as the move could disorient him terribly. And on a side note, an inside joke in this forum on the "Abbreviations Get My Goat" thread a NH is a nursing home, and you will many times see that people will make jokes about New Hampshire vs Nursing Homes. I am assuming that brother lives in New Hampshire, not a nursing home.

If he is comfortable and safe where he is, it is best to keep his environment the same. I know it costs a lot of money for home care. The time may come, if it hasn't already for him to be moved to a facility. Does he have sufficient resources to continue to pay for home care? A facility here, may be cheaper, but not in your Dad's best interest, or for continued good health. My suggestion is to talk with your siblings about having a geriatric care manager do an assessment on your Dad. That will keep the dysfunction between you and your siblings squabbles if not out of it, at least you have someone helping to determine what appropriate care if for your Dad. Some do fine when they are moved to facilities, but others have a very difficult time, emotionally. In extreme cases, the elder is asked to leave the first facility, and is sent to another, then another, and can become a continuous revolving door.

Get the assistance of an impartial third party, a Geriatric Care Manager, to assist your Dad and siblings.

Hope it's ok to rant...I need to get this out and see if I am just flat out wrong in my thinking. My mother is 83 and I am the third oldest of 7 kids kids...but have always been like the oldest because of the older two having disabilities. I love my mother very much and so it makes it really hard emotionally (on me) to upset her. I am 52 and am starting to feel like a bossy B to her. This is the situation. She has lived the last 20 years in a house that my sister owns and she took care of her aging first mother in law. Did wonderful taking care of her and the house. Grandma passed away and a few years later my sister moved in because of financial situation. The house has went into utter filth ...My mom has always been an animal lover...she has 4 dogs and 2 cats...the only time they get let out is in the morning when my sister ties them out and when she comes home after work and ties them out. About 4 years ago...they ended up with bed bugs. Several of us went in and cleaned...my brother even took the carpet up and put a vinyl wood floor down for easier cleaning. My son and I cleaned moms room, put all her boxes in double tied plastic bags told her they had to stay like that for a long time....she was upset about that...she refused to let us pull the carpet up...my sister would bag her stuff up....so we were all at a point of well this isn't going to work and it has only gotten worse.
My mom will not get rid of the animals that she can not financially take care of, they need vetted and groomed...she loves them, I get that but she is being unreasonable about their care. I must add that all these animals were basically rescued by her from other family members...1 from my brother, 1 from my sister and 2 from a grandson...the cats just showed up.
As a result she gets very few visitors. She told me one day that she can't give the dogs away because they are her company and I of course told her that I would help find homes and she would have all kinds of family and friends visit again...so I feel she is putting those pets over her kids visiting.
My sister does no cleaning and she uses the pets as an excuse, but I know that if they were gone, she still wouldn't because I know how she is.
I am really rambling on here...but in the past few months, my mom has mixed her medicine up, she was taking pain meds in place of her high blood pressure medicine...I asked my sister to make sure that she not dump her new bottles with her old...she got them mixed up again...Mom can live on her own, she just needs someone to pay attention to what is going on.
I am stressed to the max because I want mom to come live with me...I've even said one dog can come, but oh no, she can't leave my sister alone. She even makes excuses for her not helping with chores around the house because she is just tired after work...Ummm, mom, I work a full time job, take care of my house, cook and clean ...I am really sorry that I am rambling on here...I think maybe if I got my head straight about this, I might be able to help and not feel guilty about putting my foot down.

gladimhere, thanks for the quick reply. Yes, my brother in in the state not the institution ;-) What you wrote makes a lot of sense but isn't what I wanted to hear. One of the problems I'm facing out here is obviously being 2000 miles away and can't 'control' much of what happens back east.

I had been talking to an assisted living facility earlier in the year that we all had agreed to look into a few miles from dad's home. We were ready to have an assessment performed on dad when my sister was persuaded (by dad she says) that he wasn't interested and wanted to stay at home. I completely get that and respect his wishes, but my brother and I don't feel that he is as safe as he can be at home anymore. Dad flip flops quite often in regards to whether he wants to stay in his home or not. Recently (last few weeks) he has been sort of hinting that there may be greener grass elsewhere as far as his living arrangements. The problem is now what level of care is needed. I suppose that's where the GCM comes in?

A good third party look at the situation to help us decide sounds like a great idea. Thanks again for your time.

Time, I know that is not what any of us want to hear, especially when we feel so helpless that is an impact of the miles!

TTA, if you persuaded your father to stop driving without having to resort to extreme measures, then he's more tractable than many people of his age. It's only natural he'd see-saw between wanting to stay in his home and wanting more company and security - this is a huge decision for him, and there are no certainties.

I'm not saying I don't agree with the moving near you idea, but I do think you need to think through very carefully how your father's illness is likely to progress. Of course it would be lovely for him to see more of you and his grandchildren, and I'm hugely in favour of children getting to know their grandparents as people rather than as signatures on birthday cards; but hold on: look ahead. How are a, say, 10 and 14 year old going to handle regularly visiting a severely disabled, possibly (God forbid) depressed or mentally incapacitated grandfather? All I'm saying is, watch out for the emotional land mines out there before you reach a decision. I'm so glad you're all talking - whatever happens, hang on to that!

Great points Country, thanks. I guess the kids maybe stand to learn a life lesson if/when he slides downhill? He still remembers them, which is good, but hasn't seen them for a few years. I never planned to have myself or the kids not see him often, but as you all know life gets in the way. I have to get better at making the time. Maybe that's why I think moving him out here would benefit all of us.

I'll make that call to a GCM and keep you posted!