The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hello all,
Well, busy weekend.
FIL fell and broke a hip, and has been having trouble swallowing, although he passed the swallow test recently. Sent him to the hospital by ambulance on Thursday, and he has been there since. Had hip surgery, and has gone straight downhill. Now he is in hospice care, and will stay there till he dies. Which the dr. thinks will be in the next couple of days. His body is shutting down. I had a nursing home ready to take him after the surgery, but it is too late for even that. I am sad, mostly because I pick up on his fear. Yesterday I spent most of the day at the hospital with him. Because Charles had to go get his mother out of the other hospital. She took all the tranquilizers that were in the bottle, so I brought her to the emergency room of a closer hospital. No telling whether she did this on purpose or was just upset and confused. I had the pill bottle out on the table because I needed to call and refill it. I give her her meds every morning and night in a white paper cup. Anyway, her being a borderline, no telling if she felt that she needed attention and got it this way. Anyway, she is out now and went to visit FIL in the hospital. She is distraught, and of course she is, they were married for 68 years. Anyway, he perked up a little when he saw her. He had been trying to ask me where she was all day. And something kind of sweet happened. He can't really talk, but was trying to tell me something, looking right into my eyes and trying. I leaned closer to see if I could make it out, and he kissed me on the cheek. I started sobbing and couldn't stop. Not the right thing to do at all. But I have no barriers about this. So not sure I will go back to the hospital again. Charles and MIL have been there most of the day today, and Charles' cousin, who is like a daughter to MIL, came up here too.

I noticed on the computer that the page was left open to caskets. O.M.G. This is more stuff that I know nothing about. The cousin said she would help by handling that part.

What I do know how to do is bake an apple pie, so did that tonight. My way of loving.

Even though I regret that FIL had to be hospitalized, and we were then going to put him in the nh, I feel that I did a fine job of being compassionate and loving to them for the past few months. And that he has had a good ending. If there was any way that he could swallow, I was going to sneak him in a powdered sugar donut. He really was loving those up till the hospital.

What is amazing to me is how fast this went. I was really expecting years. And MIL will either thrive or not, I am not sure which way it will go. If she becomes the center of attention she might be okay. Or if she grieves for him and will follow him that could happen too. Charles and I had an evening alone when they were both in the hospital, and kind of wondered what to do with ourselves. Haha.

Thanks for listening...
Christine

Christine this is the hardest part waiting for the end to come. Don't be afraid of crying it is just a release and very comforting. That little kiss opened the flood gates and sealed a bond between the two of you and tells you how he blesses you as his son's wife. Only visit again if you want to because your goodbyes have already been said.
Have Charles talk to the Hospice nurses about his dad's fear of dying, they will be able to help him become calm and accept either with meds, a visit from a religious or help from the social worker. Expect him to become unconscious maybe for a few days before he passes. Don't worry about the funeral arrangements let the cousin handle it. The funeral director will guide you through all this. You and Charles and his mother if she is up to it can work on his obitorary. Again the funeral director can help with this if you don't know what to say.
Hospice will help with grief counciling for your MIL and any other family members. It is entirely voluntary but encourage her to attend meetings as she will probably make new friends in a few months. She wont expect to it will just happen. Thinking of you and sending hugs as you go through this difficult time. Just keep your sense of humor When my MIL died she insisted on a big fancy coffin that had never been seen in her small village and the grave diggers did not make the hole big enough so as the coffin was lowered they had to put everything into reverse and the family was redirected to a small chapel to wait while the hole was enlarged. luckily the grave diggers were waiting behind the hedge with their excavator to fill in the grave after the internment. Mil would have found it very amusing. Blessings to you all. May FIL pass in peace

Camaryllis,

Well, we've seen you make some quantum leaps lately, regarding all of your FIL's
health issues. Of course, this is the hardest. That was very touching how he managed to kiss your cheek. Never doubt that you didn't do enough, or didn't do the right thing. You did everything in your power, and really way above and I know you've done this with all the good intentions and love in your heart.
I hold you and your's in my thoughts.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Christine-your fil gave you a wonderful gift. As Veroncia said, this is the hardest part of the journey. Blessings to you and your family.

Christine, thinking of your FIL, MIL, and naturally you and Charles. Must be upsetting about MIL and pills and you will probably never know for sure what happened. Take care of yourself and bake as many apple pies as you want!

Veronica, really the grave had to be made bigger because of the size of the coffin? Here I thought that the graves were one size fits all. Shows what I know. Good thing Mom is being cremated, should be less to think about, I hope so anyway.

((((((((((((Christine))))))))) It all is happening so quickly. Your fil showed you love and appreciation for all you have done for him. How worrying about mil too. Whether taking more pills was intentional or due to confusion, it could happen again. The next while will be very difficult. Thinking about you and Charles, fil and mil. Keep us posted. So much has happened since they came to your home. (((((((hugs)))))

Christine I feel for you about not knowing which parts of your MIL's grief merit attention and which are phoney - had this with my MIL. The thing is, though, that whatever their personalities, they *are* losing their husbands of many decades and it *is* horrifying. Those bits are real. I did my best to find kind things to say that were also true, so that I didn't give my other thoughts about her away. But anyway I'm pretty sure you'll very quickly find the right way to manage her, to judge by how you've handled things so far.

This is a harrowing time. I hope it passes swiftly for all of you. Big hug.

Back from a funeral and so shattered I can hardly keep my eyes open. Having fully woken from the little snooze she enjoyed during the service mother, on the other hand, is now full of beans and complaining that it's too early to go to bed.

The late lamented (I'm not being ironic: though I didn't know her myself the family that did know her is lamenting sincerely) was, it excitingly turns out, not my late father's aunt after all, but my late father's cousin. Yes, folks, one of those 'your big sister is actually your mum but you're not to tell anyone' scenarios.

She bred horses and loved all animals. And, a claim to fame, one of her most successful babies was himself brought out of his retirement-to-grass to lead the gun carriage at the late Queen Mother's funeral. Apparently they needed a horse who 'knew what he was doing' and happily he wasn't then too old for this last hurrah.

But back to the much more interesting than I had previously suspected family tree. My great aunt - this one who had not a little sister but a daughter the wrong side of the blanket - it further turns out made a bit of a habit of this sort of thing and went on to produce a son, also out of wedlock, only no one knew about it this time. Goodness knows who brought him up. Anyway. Who should turn up at the funeral but the son's granddaughter, with her cousin, hopping mad with the person who arranged the funeral because she for some unexplained reason wanted to keep a lock of hair for posterity (did I wake up in 1864 today?) and furthermore suspects this person of POA skulduggery.

My cousin and I stood round-eyed listening to all this, while we were also trying to sort out who belonged to which branch - this being a Shropshire family, we're not much helped by their using an extremely limited range of Christian names (a tradition which some years ago led to my darling Daddy's coming face to face with his own full name on the brass plate of a coffin he was bearing - gave him quite a jolt). It crossed my mind, but happily didn't get as far as my tongue, to say that P and I were grandchildren from the *legitimate* line: I meant to be enlightening, not insulting, and fortunately caught the words back in time.

The POA person has both our surname and one of the Christian names, which for some time led everyone to assume he fitted in somewhere on a branch. But not a bit of it. Turns out he's a local cab driver and a friend to all aged over 70 in the area. Quite a lot of befriending went on, followed by assistance when B became disabled, then help with the sale of her land (for a song, to a local retired doctor), then POA.

B's great-niece, now - granddaughter (if I've got this right) of B's disowned half-brother - is very upset. Mainly she says she feels guilty, and I expect she does. She's says it's not the money - just as well, 'cos there isn't any - it's the feeling she didn't do enough to look after B's interests and stop her getting ripped off by people she trusted. Feeling the Forum at my back, I patted her arm and reminded her that life takes you away from people, even those you loved very much when you were little. It just does. It's what happens. And B lived to 93, and spent her life with horses, dogs and wildlife, and had a rollicking good time of it by all accounts. What's to regret? That the 'helpful befriender' now has a small fleet of shiny new cabs? Well, who's to say B wasn't glad of it? Who's to say she even cared at all?

But if I were charged with these responsibilities I think I'd want to keep half an eye on the POA friend, for future reference. Just in case a pattern begins to emerge, and not forgetting the lessons of Harold Shipman.

I skived off the 'reception' (or post-match drinking session, as might be more accurate to say) and decided I really had to get poor mother home. I think my cousin was torn: stay to watch the fisticuffs and report back? Or make a run for it and avoid getting caught up as an innocent bystander? I'm kind of hoping she stayed, actually… I'm agog to hear.

CM that sounds like it would make a great TV drama!! And yes i went to school with a girl whose daughter is still to this day "her sister" do they think we are stupid? CM i think you should write a TV drama move over downton abbey!! so funny and well written!!

My heart goes out to you at this very difficult time Christine. I pray that you will really take care of yourself and get the support, rest and sleep you need to get you through. What a blessing to have a loving ending chapter to a long, well-lived life and to receive a kiss on the cheek. I found the hospice grief counselor and support groups that were available through the hospice such a blessing when I went through the deaths of three loved ones, one after the other. My prayers are with you. Bunny

cm - sounds like a penny dreadful. Glad you survived it and learned more about your family history. Cabbies seem to be Io a particularly good position to help old ladies. Mother told me she would have gone to live with her fav. cabbie and his wife, if he had let her. He wisely begged out saying they had too many stairs, and after that sent one of his underlings when mother called. All part of the fiasco last summer.

Hi kazzaa - hope you had a great weekend. I have put my order in to G for a few days away where you can see the mountains and smell fresh air. The atmosphere here turns silver black in no time.

Christine - wondering how you all are holding up update us when you can.

sharyn - wondering about your daughter and the babes. They must be coming soon!!!

sandwich - read somewhere that your mum has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Really makes me shake my head that these diagnoses take so long. Mother was 96 before the BPD was diagnosed. It helps as your feelings and experiences are validated.

loo - hope all is reasonable. I saw a post of yours about keeping or not keeping family secrets and will respond to it. My experience goes both ways - good and ot so good.

glad - hope all is quiet on the evil sister front. Mine is tormenting others right now.

hi margeaux, austin, alison, veronica and everyone else

surfacing from a few days of brain fog/light headedness here. Hopefully it will happen less now. I dare not drive in that condition. Take care all and do something good for you.

hi bunny - cross posted. You have been through a lot of deaths. Not easy.((((((hugs)))))

Im trying to keep up but been short on time, so a post here and there! For everyone here, I will cover it by saying Im sorry for your losses and struggles and am keeping you all in my thoughts. I hope tonight and the days following are wonderful for you all! Take some times for yourselves as you all tell me, even 5 minutes :)

I am thinking about what you all are dealing with, Christine, CM, Glad, Joan, Me1000, and everyone else. Margeaux, Austin, Book hoping you are all well.

No change here, my daughter is still very pregnant. I am working on booties, tomorrow making shepherds pie and spinach dip. Thursday another dr appointment.

Take care everyone, hard to respond to everything from my cell.

Emjo, never quiet for long with sisters! Wwe finally have a court date, end of October. Day after Mom's 88th. So now things heating up again. This is the third or tough time that we have received a date. I am demanding to get in front of the judge unless everything is signed, sealed and delivered. Conservator is in trouble. Was to prepare a number of reports has done two of them incorrectly so I opposed them. A year ago sisters agreed to stay out of care agreement, but are not honoring that. As a result they could be responsible for attorney fess. And let's see, at last count we were up to three, soon to become four. Had my sis not fired my mom' attorney two years ago now, this would have been done for a few thousand dollars. But the attorney she ended up with is completely incompetent. And has the nerve to call herself an elder law specialist. She hasn't a clue, which has probably been part of the problem. Anything beyond a will, or POA's and she is lost.

Sharyn, just tell those babies to hurry up would ya?

When pregnant with my first, she was two weeks late. My Mom told me to go out dancing and have a drink or two. So I pass it on to you for your daughter because it worked! But now it is a completely different culture too much clean living for those expectant Moms. And did you know I actually used to drink out of a garden hose? And nothing happened to me.

(((((Me))))) - even baby steps are hard. Some of us have been trained to jump and ask "how high" on the way up. Unlearning that takes time and effort. Did you apply for that job? The gal who suggested it sounds like she has her head screwed on right. For my money, the more independent you can get financially, the better.

Sharyn - booties & shepherd's pie sound so domestic!!! I am sure you are enjoying your time away from the workplace drama. The babies are still incubating - that's good as long as your dd (dear daughter) is well.

glad - gosh, I hope that it all gets worked out this time. What a mess! The lawyer, incompetent or not, will get paid for all the work and that is another travesty. If your sissies have to pay for that, it would only be justice. :)

All my kids were early except the last one, Gordie, who was about 10 days late. I was more than ready for him to come. I was BIG, so I took the car for a long ride on some bumpy back roads. I don't know if it helped or not, but I had him a few days later. Dancing might work. Isn't any alcohol is frowned on these days? I never drank much anyway, and less when I was pregnant and after I had the kids. Had to be feeling as good as possible to meet all the household demands, which were many. I drank from the garden hose too, glad, and ate snow and did lots of other things you aren't supposed to do now.

Eating snow was the best! Making snow angels, throwing snowballs, building snowmen...

We had snow forts, snow angels and snowmen, caught snow flakes in our tongues. Making a snow angel again is on my bucket list. ;) We used to make piles of snowballs and ambush the dads when they came home for lunch. If you wanted to get serious you "iced" the snow balls. e also practiced walking on the snow crust to see how far we could go without breaking through. I skied to school once in a while, and a couple of times skated after sleet.

OK, a snow story. I was in first grade, we had a huge snowstorm and it was cold. Mom grew up in Wisconsin, much colder there and according to her she never heard of school being canceled. Being the oldest, the only one in school, mom sent me on this snow day, walked five blocks to school and by the time I got back had frozen icicles on my face.

Glad- I am thinking I wish they would hurry up already, LOL!! It is funny going to the appt. With my daughter, the nurses at the hospital tease her, you are still pregnant! She has a great rapport with the hospital already and she tells the drs, I have proved you all wrong week after week. They tell her, yes you have, we never thought you would get this far, LOL!! Friday will be 36 weeks...she is doing so great!!

Speaking of icicles, they were used in play too and probably as impromptu popsicles. We has some huge ones fall off the house. School was never cancelled for us either, nor is it here where the weather is even colder. I do remember one very cold day a parent drove a bunch of us to school. Other than that we walked, no matter what the weather was. Our school was about 8 or more blocks away and we had to cross a small river/stream by way of a railroad bridge. Eventually they built a proper walkway over the bridge, but I remember crawling over it once when it was icy and looking at the rushing cold water below. That would not be tolerated these days. We were well wrapped in cats, scarves, mittens etc. I don't remember feeling the cold too badly. I don't suppose any of this did us any harm. School buses didn't exist then. G gets pretty spectacular icicles on his moustache when he is out in the cold for any time. lol

Sharyn, so wonderful to hear!

Yes Sharyn - it is great that she is doing so well. My girlfriend has twins for her first pregnancy -a boy and a girl. The bot was 8 lbs and the girl was 7 lbs - that's 15 lbs of baby!!! Mind you she was a big woman tall and big boned.

If they stay put for 2 more weeks, they may reach 7-8 lbs too.

Wow - that's amazing!!! The bigger they are, the easier it will be to care for them when they do come.

Hello all,
Well, FIL passed away last night. Didn't tell MIL till this morning, at least she was able to sleep. Charles was so upset, and kept waking me up to talk about it. Bless his heart. I took MIL to the dr. today, as she has been acting wackadoodle lately, confused and not walking well...and sure enough, she has a UTI. Now I know the signs. Dr. gave her a shot and a hug, and a prescription. Hopefully she will perk up in a day or two.

Meanwhile, trying to get the necessary things done for FIL's burial. I stepped aside, Charles and his cousin are handling things. I don't agree with a lot of the funeral things, but it is not my father so I figure I will just sit this one out and zip my lip. They were looking at coffins that Elvis would have been right at home in. Sigh.

Anyway, that is all from here for the moment. I found a senior center that MIL might like go to hang around at. She could use people and friends. I think it would make her feel a lot better.

Thanks for listening,
Christine

emjo23- Hi and thank you! Sadly no, I haven't applied yet.. actually going to as soon as I have 3 reference in case needed. I have two, but need one more in case ( some ask for 3 non relative reference so the third one lives out of town and trying to get a hold of her if she will vouch for me ). I need to learn the bus schedule because I will not have transportation for a while, but am still willing to walk a certain distance and take a bus! I know, the Dr tips from everyone here has been great so I will do that this week!

******Update is my dad is getting heart surgery the end of this month or early next to get a defibrillator placed and Im hoping a pace maker. His numbers( do not understand them) went from 50% down to 30% in over a year and just in the last month I think he said is now at 27%. Hes very weak and pushes himself to do anything,including eating. Hes still helping me God Bless him with his dad ( my grandpa) by fixing him coffee and bringing him food so I can get cleaning ( and errands) done before he goes to the hospital and with my kids h.w. etc. As I mentioned my house is not exactly an ad for spic and span! So grandpa is upset by me staying home and cleaning as well as waiting on some impt calls I need to receive and grandpa doesn't know dads definitely going for surgery yet.. he will panic so we will tell him the day before he goes to the hospital. My sis is having some major issues, kids are being kids.. although my son helped my grandpa which was amazing and he didn't panic!! He stayed calm! Grandpa started to get dizzy, I just left 5 minutes before and son went in to check on him, heard him calling and got a heavy chair for him to sit on,then walked him to the bathroom making sure he was ok, and he called me! So proud of him!!!!

Grandpa made a comment he pays for everything ( not exactly everything but almost) and never complains and gives us what we need, ( well he does complain and make us feel bad afterwords though). He said the comment after I said I had to wait for calls, look for job and clean and he got upset. Of course Id be tehre otherwise but my kids homework for example sometimes takes longer helping 2 kids.. one in high school and one with ADHD/ODD so, uh, ya, H.W. can last over 2 hours but if Im there a min late to gpas he gets so mad! Says he waited and waited its so late I might as wll not come down if its gonna be that way!!! Uggh Grr and here it all comes again!!!

If I keep going when he wants just to make lists and dust etc.. it wont stop, and I will have to get him used to be not being there again when I get a job, so why go through it twice? Im just gone most the time all day now and let neighbors/dad handle it unless E.R. Breakfast is even earlier now and I agree its too early to eat at 5:45am -6am instead of 6:30am or 7am... but I warned him when he told me I was taking over for his one caretaker, the times wont be heres, cleaning is when I can later in the day breakfast be earlier. He wasnt happy but agreed, nows again not happy. Well, he can hire someone for 10-12 hrs a day 5/6 days a week so I can work, and yes, that totals to a NH!!! But all his choice I love him and am willing, want and can be there 11-12 hours a night, days off for lunch/dinner visit time.

I do love caring for him and am glad that I have gotten to be able to help him as well as my dad, having my kids etc. But, in limits because I need to live for my kids too!! Sorry sooo long.. just feeling guilty, scared, but yet, I think Im headed in the right directions.. as you all say, theres gonna always be at least one or more people who will always disagree. Darned if I do, darned if I dont. Oh, we are volunteering Sunday again and adding volunteering at my kids two School Churches!!! To bad grandpa wont come at least to church, it will make him feel better too. He can chat with us, hold things,talk with the priest and other members.

If I could Id buy you all a steak or whatever dinner for reading all this! A novel lol

Christine- Im so sorry for your loss. And I will keep your mil in my prayers that she will be strong and give the center a try. She will meet some great friends and I also think it would keep her mind of FIL. I also hope she feels better soon. Many hugs to you

Those must be some interesting caskets.

Christine, I am so sorry for your loss. Smart to just stay out of the burial preparation.

Hope MIL is helped with medication for the UTI. My Mom has had 7 UTI's in the past year. Each one showed different symptoms that ranged from a backache to inability to walk. MIL may exhibit different symptoms if/when she gets another UTI. Any sudden change in behavior is a red flag to get them checked.