The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Christine - my sympathies on fil's passing. Poor fil's quality of life was deteriorating so quickly. One is never prepared for these things no matter how things look. Hope that mil will improve quickly now that she is on antibiotics. You are wise to let Charles and his cousin handle the funeral arrangements. It would be great if mil would go to the senor center. Please look after you in all this, ((((((hugs)))))

Me - glad you are getting references together. Hope you manage to get to a doc soon. Sounds like your dad's heart function is deteriorating pretty badly. Don't worry about your house - people come first. Wonderful that your son was able to help his gpa.
Yes, homework can take a long time, and gpa will just have to get mad. I think he has been used to having his own way too long and getting mad to manipulate people. Have you thought of calling him on statements like "You may as well not come?" Just be calm, tell him that the home work is necessary for the kids to be successful in school and you know he wants them to be successful.Tell him that you appreciate all he does for you and the kids, but if being late makes it harder for him, and he would rather you did not come, then you won't. Very sensible to not tell him about your dad's surgery till just before.

Yes, you have to draw limits. Sounds like he wants someone at his back and call - bit if a control freak and you can never please or do enough for them. You can't please all the people all of the time... That is why we have to set priorities. With mother it was always damned if you do or damned if you don't so I learned to do what I thought was best for everyone, but me and my family first. She came lower down in priority. I think you are heading in a better direction and have no reason to feel guilty, but I know those feelings do crop up. They will decrease. if you stop feeding them. Sunday school should be good for the kids and you. It is too bad that gpa won't come. Would the priest visit him? It might brighten his day.

Hope the job works out.

glad - I am having a visual of icicles on your face. .. lol

take care all

emjo23, yes, my dads getting worse by the day. When he had is heart surgery the Dr said if he didnt have it when he did he would of dies in a month.. and this is almost how hes acting now. ( he had his surgery about10 years ago? more or less, cant think... ( he also had a stroke on the table). Sohes had TIA's since, couple other surgery no heart related in the last couple years. So this is another reason I need to work, anything can happen to either one of them, I need to work, but I want time with both. I mean, yes caring for them, but I want some bonding time where Im their daughter/granddaughter not caregiver. I want those memories too. My grandpa has always been a control freak, always. Im glad you agree not to tell gpa now appt the surgery! (DAD and my son tried to get him to eat again refused it all day all day in bed and he wouldnt answer and said hes fine bye) Uggh!!! All because hes mad!!!

Im sorry you went through that with your mom too. Its not easy is it? You also have put you and your family first now right? They will also help the priest set up for Mass and clean the Church so I think this will be good. They already read with their school in different masses. Well, my grandpa gets a lady who gives him communion at his house because it got to hard for him to go and sit here and having to worry about the bathroom issues. But, I think your right, having a priest come would be wonderful! Maybe even once a month or even twice would be great!!!

Thanks again!

I will use my daughters computer to catch up with everyone.
;
My daughter received news from work about q lateral move that has upset her. I am hoping this news is not affecting her bp. My daughter has been crying but she keeps things to herself and it is a situation of me just being there when she wants to vent but just listening...no suggestions.she is not happy about this and feels that if she were there, they would not have done this. She has an appt.tomorrow so praying her bp is ok. It sucks that they tell her now...but Logically I know they had to. I think there may be some benefits such as her working 8-5 m-f.

SM sorry to hear about the lateral! She doesn't need that now, those hormones play terrible games with new moms.

EMJO, I might add I get pretty scary looking when I have those icicles on my face. My darn nose gets so terribly red when it gets cold I used to be teased that I could substitute for Rudolph!

Camaryllis, just wanted to give you my sympathies on FIL's passing. It sounds as if he passed rather peacefully. I'm happy for that. I hope wake, services, and burial go smoothly. You've done such a good job with FIL & MIL in short time. I'm glad FIL had you around at the end of his life. I'm sure your husband is thankful, too.

Camaryllis,

I too, am very sorry to hear about your FIL's passing.
I have to admit, that you made me laugh describing the casket.
Well no matter what.....try to get some rest for yourself.

May your FIL's spirit soar very high!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Christine i only just found your post that FIL has passed. So glad he did not linger that was very merciful for the family. Do allow MIL time to grieve and don't push too hard to get her in group activities. it will be very good for her when the time is right. While she is so vulnerable some other jealus old lady will try and get into the limelight and tell her story that is probably ten years old by now and she just recalls it for every new member.
See if your local hospice has a grief group that she could attend. You don't need to have been a patient to attend everybody is welcome. you too could actually go with her the first few times. Afterwards take her out for a meal cup of coffee whatever the two of you fancy. Poor charles it is so hard for him to loose a parent especially when he has been part of the process, you are bing your usual wise self in handling all this. Glad Charles has his cousin to help. can't comment on MIL and the pills it could just have been a moment of utter dispair knowing she was about to loose her spouse but as usual you will just have to play it by ear.Blessings to you and your family

Camarylis-My smypathies for you and your family. You provided such care for your fil and continue to care for your mil. Blessings you and family.

Me1000 - You are just great to care and work so hard... please take care of yourself too, hope you can carve out an hour a day just for your own needs.!!!
I went thru this type of situation with 2 parents ill at the same time passing within a year of each other... one does tend to get run down a bit ... So I wish you well...

sharynmarie- Im sorry about the bad news for your daughter, hopefully shes doing better now :)

DHilBe- Thank you and Im trying to find time for me. Im also sorry about you losing both your parents so close to each other. You have also been through a lot, and I hope today your doing well and living life to the fullest :)

My daughter is still holding strong!! Her dr told her today as long as she is comfortable continueing the pregnancy with the preeclampsia and her bp stays stable, she will let her go until 38 weeks. I have had to talk with myself, tell God to take my disappointment and feelings of guilt for being disappointed that I wont behere when she delivers. This isnt about me being a grandma...its about my daughter staying safe and delivering 2 healthy boys. Have a good night everyone.

Sharyn, wonderful that your daughter is doing so well! You still have about 10 days, right! It is bound to happen while you are there, I hope.

Thank you for responding ... Me1000 ... It just shows again how thoughtful you are ... and like me ... I am sure you also appreciate this blog opportunity in Aging care, where one can just read and realize, one is not alone... every family has to walk that path of end of life-care... and maybe we can help each other a bit, by acknowledging each others efforts to live up to the demands of that path... I certainly do. I wish you a good night... have to close, as the weatherman announced a thunderstorm ... and here it comes....!
Yet quickly I want to send my prayers to Sharynmarie and her daughter also, for a good outcome... I wish you all well... and God Bless you !

Wish you well

Thanks Glad...it canvstill happen but I have to prepare myself emotionally and get back to my life of taking care of my mother too.; I will see my grandsons next year what is most important is my daughter continued good health and my grandsons health.

There you go Sharyn! Give up, realize it may not happen while you are there. Be comforted with that thought. And sure enough those babies will come! Just don't think it too loud the babies might decide they want to wait.

;LOL!! Whatever is meant to be is what will happen, I can handle it either way.

I was with my friend years ago and she was heavely pregnant over 8 mths! anywhoo she was bored so we decided to go rowing i hired a small boat and we took it out on the lake after an hour she demanded to take the oars? i told her NOT in your condition but she was stubborn as hell.......her famous quote "im pregnant not ill" anyway she took the oars against my advice and i dropped her off home...... 2hrs later i got a call from the hospital to say she had given birth to a healthy baby boy!!!!!!!! So rowing definetly brought hers on!!! He was a couple of weeks premature but perfect!

Kazz, funny! If dancing and a drink or two don't do it try rowing a boat!

Hello all,
Well, the funeral things are finally settled for FIL. I stepped away from all that, Charles was a trooper and got things arranged. I have been trying to find MIL something to wear at the funeral, looking for a black pants set in Texas in August...not likely. But she has now announced that she wants white. Easier on me at least.

Found out that the post death examination to rule out abuse was a condition of Medicare. I was horrified at the very idea. Because he fell, they thought we pushed him? Like falling is not a signature of late stage dementia, and aspiration pneumonia? Even I know that. So Charles was off his rocker over that...didn't tell MIL, sometimes it doesn't help to upset her about things if she can't do anything about them. Just more insanity to add to the mix.

I am not going to the funeral. I have a hard time with all that, and would be less than useless. I feel that I have done enough. So I will stay home with the dogs. A peaceful day to myself, as an added bonus. I have been feeling exhausted, can barely move. Guess this is my reaction to stress. I am going to take a mental health day from work on Monday, and just lay low for the day. They will all be back Monday night so my peace will be short lived, but at least I can have some.

MIL has a UTI, which explains her loopy behavior and not being able to walk. I was worried that I had a new dementia patient, but the dr. said these were from the UTI. Whew.

Anyway, maybe I can have my life back now. For a while anyway. I have several orders for dolls that I have been putting off, but the due dates are looming. I was thinking I might make a crone doll, to embody the beauty of aging. But I am not sure now. Also have a baby quilt to finish. Maybe this weekend I can get myself to work.

Sharyn, holding healthy happy thoughts for your grandbabies!
Everyone else, sending you hugs.

Thanks for listening,
Christine

Christine I dread falls so much. The times sitting in front of the GP with my mother looking like a road accident… oh God. And in what way do the bruises look different between falling and being pushed? But the checks are routine, and worth doing, and I suppose if it makes even one ill-intentioned person think twice before he pushes Granny down the stairs..?

All the same, there is no way not to find the process extremely trying at a time when you're least able to take it philosophically.

I'm so sorry for your FIL's sudden decline and passing away. A little more of a run-up before you were plunged into the deep end of care-giving would have been nice, no? But here's to peace for you, and time reach a harmonious understanding with MIL.

Camaryllis-You do deserve the time to yourself. I am so happy Charles was able to get things arranged. Stress can cause exhaustion so take it slow, rest and relax your mind.

Me1000-You are doing so much for your grandfather, setting some boundaries for time with your boys will be helpful. I am sorry to hear about your fatners surgery.

Oops posted too soon.Me, I wAs wondering if you can get some help for your fatner while he recovers. It would be very helpful for you with grandfather and your children.

DHilbe-Losing one parent is hard enough but both close together must have been stressful. I am glad that you are doing well at this time.

Glad and Kazza-lets see, we have 1 for a couple drinks and dancing, 1 for rowing a boat and 1 friend who swears eating a bowl of cherries does the trick, LOL!!

Well glad ive heard as ive never had kids that a good spicey meal can also bring it on my mum had a curry the night before i was born and i wasnt waiting around had me in 28mins!!

glad - now we can call you Rudolph, or maybe just "deer" !

Christine - I am not surprised that you are exhausted. I think all the stress since the in laws moved in, plus what has been happening to fil and also mil has added up, and then once you get a break, you crash. Taking some time out sounds like a very good idea. Hope your home life will become more normal now, though you mentioned that mil was borderline - is that as in borderline personality disorder or borderline dementia or ??? ((((((hugs))))) for doing so well looking after fil and mil.

DHilBe - as others have said, losing both parents so close together is really hard. My condolences. This site has been a huge help to me too!

Sharyn - don't forget the car ride on a bumpy road. You must be so happy that your daughter and the babies are doing so well. I know it would be bittersweet to not be there when they come. God is in charge! Hope the change at your daughter's work ends up being a good thing for her.

cm and Christine - my second son (3rd child) fell down the back stairs when he was small and bruised his shin. They X rayed him from head to foot and I knew why. I had to be very objective about it and be thankful that they were vigilant in terms of child abuse. They were warmer to me after they found no other injuries or signs of old injuries. I think that was the part that bothered me - don't pre judge!

Austin - you are busy!!! Nice to have renos in the kitchen.

margeaux - you seem to be pretty quiet these days. How is your mum.

Alison - looking for an update from you when you are ready.

Me - You really have too much to do!!! Are there no resources in town for your gpa and your dad? Are either if them a vet? The va usually comes up with help. If not, check with your local agency on aging and social services. They could provide people to fill in for you if (when) you get that job and even now to reduce your load. Gpa will just have to "suck it up" and get used to other people helping him. You can't do it all. Hopefully your dad will feel better after his surgery, but he will need more help while he recovers. The hospital social worker should be able to help you with that. ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

book - how are things???

hi to everyone else. Hope you are doing well.

Only those with narcissistic family member will understand this. It was my birthday yesterday and I had no communication from my mother or my sister. YAY!!! What a relief. Mother will no doubt get a phone when she is moved to her new facility, but will make it clear that I will not answer daily or multi-daily phone calls. I can't go through the craziness again that I went through last winter with her calls.

Getting through this infection and feeling better and getting more energy -Yay for that too. Dd and grandkids took me out for lunch Wednesday - they could not wait for my actual birthday. Have a date with my youngest grandson for Monday for his (belated) birthday lunch. G took me out for supper last night - very nice evening - and we checked out a local car show afterwards. The waitress asked me if I was doing anything special for my birthday. I wanted to say that at my age breathing was special but I didn't. ;)

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you.

Joan happy birthday-we haven't gone yet for my birthday -I was away for over 3 weeks and we have been very busy and need to get this HS class reunion out of the way-two of my best friends from HS will be there and I only have to travel about 15 miles to get there -one of the few that moved back home to live after college. Now that is the norm-I was ahead of the curve.

Well, after a trying few days leading up to a conference call with dad's lawyer yesterday, I still have some 'fun' in my dysfunctional family! After my brother pretty much verbally assaulted my sister last week, and skipped out on a 3-way conference the day before the call to the lawyer. He showed up on the call with the lawyer and acted quite human! We got a few questions answered and are making a few changes to the new trust documents.
Sister is supposed to have dad sign a document today allowing us to move assets from the present rev trust to an irr trust.
Dad's aid just got back from a month off. She had pretty much been there for a year straight! He got really upset with her replacement, his pride really got to him. He's needing personal hygiene assistance now, so I can understand that! However, when his normal gal came back, he didn't really recognize her right away and was pretty rude. I guess that's normal for Parkinson's as well. Anyway after a few meals, he started to remember her which I thought that was kind of cool, because dad was never a connoisseur or fine foodie.
It sounds like they are getting back into their routine.

I am still thinking about trying to figure out a way to move him out here. I spoke to a Geriatric Care Manager in NY for a bit the other day. She would be able to visit with dad and conduct a full assessment. The report would let us know what level of facility he belongs in as well as if he could even handle the trip out here or not. Having to figure out how to have this done from CO is kind of tough. My sister would obviously have to be there or I may take some time off work to be there for it. Dad is not good with strangers/new people, so this process raises some concerns. Even if he is found healthy enough to move out here, how in the world will he adapt to a facility where he gets new staff every 8-10 hours??

That's all (but enough) for now. As always, thanks for listening!!!

Pete

Pete, another concern especially if he has any sort of breathing issues is the altitude. When young people move her they say it takes two weeks for the blood to develop the additional, white blood cells I think, to be able to function normally. This would take much longer in an elderly person, especially one with health issues I would think.