The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Emjo,

Well Happy Birthday!
Yes I have been a bit on the quiet side. This last month was rather crazy for me.
First of all, I was busy working with my husband a couple weeks ago. The week after that, I was recuperating, since we did some long hours the previous week.
Then last week we had an out of town wedding, which I really wanted to attend, and we did. However, since I wasn't as rested as I would have like to have been for this road trip, it did drain me. The past couple of weeks I was having some indigestion, also. I don't know if I ate something that was bad, or was caused since I was eating a lot in restaurants. Probably a combination. So I'm watching this now, and taking a probiotic. I think I may go on a mini cleanse of sorts, because this has been provoking my sinuses.

Thank you for asking about mom. She's doing good. I'll be going there either this weekend, or next week. My sister pulled one of her stunts on me during the last month. I'm going to post about it later. So I truly can relate when you've written about the fact that you're happy your sister and mother didn't call you on your birthday.

I'd been reading some posts, and recently there have been some new people posting, and honestly I couldn't keep track of people's stories, so I thought I'd take a break. But I have been reading.

I hope your infection has cleared up, Emjo.
Glad you're having a great birthday week. We can't just squeeze it into one day, right? At least I can't.

Have fun,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

O.K., so I've been holding this story inside me for the last month.
Now some of us here know I've written about my narcissistic sister, who lives w/mom. She's the main caregiver, w/paid caregivers.

About 12 years ago, I lost my dad. I at that time, had a friend who also lost her dad about 6 mos. after I lost mine. We'd been friends for 29 yrs. She had always been included, introduced, invited w/in our family. Right about the time my dad was becoming more ill, I felt like our friendship had changed. At the bottom of it.....I felt somewhat unappreciated, and rather used. It was that feeling that one just cant' put their finger on, so I just continued w/this ancient friendship. Of course, when dad died, she knew about it, and attended the services.

She comes from a very dysfunctional family. Anyway, when her dad died which was just mos., after dad passed, of course I called to give my condolences, and to see when a service would be held, etc. I'd met her dad, a very nice man. I did intend to pay my respects to him, and the family by attending the service. Anyway,
there must have been a period of up to a months time, of which I would call this friend, and she kept telling me that there was some kind of friction in her family, and that she didn't think there was to be a service. My gut told me differently, "she was lying." So, I just told her how sorry I was, and I think I took her to eat somewhere.

Well about 4 mos., later she invited me to her little niece's 5 yr. birthday party.
While there, inadvertently discovered there had been a service for her dad.
Needless to say, I was shocked. I never did say anything to her either.
Right after the anger set in.......I decided that for many reasons she basically was behaving like a frenemy. You know these are those kinds of friends that eventually become either sarcastic, catty, and basically there is no genuine feeling of friendship going on anymore.

O.K.......I'm sure you are all wondering why I'm writing about this.
Well, low and behold......my sister at times runs into this gf., from the past.
On a visit about 3 mos., ago....my sister started to tell me this gf, had passed by my mom's, (as her parent's home-same neighborhood), so of course she dropped in on my sister. She and my sister never had a very close relationship. Actually,
my sister had a rather catty attitude about her.
Well, the knowledge that this person from my past, that I really don't want to re-enter my life is dropping in at mother's, made me uneasy. So, I felt it necessary I go into some detail w/my sister as to why I ended that relationship, which did not only have to do w/this lie she told me. That was the last straw, though!

So a few weeks ago, I get a call from my sister. She's telling me that this gf,
stopped in again at mother's. She also asked whether it would bother me, if this gf, could watch mom, sometimes on Sundays. She also added to that, that she's having some trouble w/CG's on the weekends. She caught me at a bad time.
On the face of my feeling about this person, I didn't know what to say to my sister.

But......after I hung up w/my sister, I had that feeling of being bothered, and not knowing why!!!!! I thought about this, and then the anger set in. How dare my sister, after I gave her a detailed account why I've distanced myself from this gf, and I haven't seen nor had contact with her in over 12 yrs., now. My sister just goes totally against my wishes and feelings, and is kind of inviting her right back in. I was also p***ed that 12 yrs., go by and this gf, doesn't even think, possibly things have changed,. But I also realized that this person just has no boundaries, obviously things just remain the same way after a long absence. Also, my sister doesn't have any boundaries. But I do intend to tell my sister that I in no way, shape or form want her at my mother's service when that happens.

Anyway, in some way part of the reason I became kind of quiet.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

So currently.......I'm just going to see mom, preferably when my sister isn't there.
I hate to say this, "But sometimes I feel like my sister is such a pig!"
She only thinks about her needs, and steps on people w/no thought to that to achieve whatever it is she needs or wants. If this offends anyone here, oh well!
It's the truth!!!!

Margeaux

Ha! margeaux i have a very selfish sister but lucky shes not involved with mums care or mum she hasnt seen her in 4yrs??
Just reading about your friend did you ever ask her why she didnt tell you about her dads service? I just wonder being from a very dysfunctional family that when mum goes i wouldnt want some people to attend only because mum had no friends and i wouldnt want them going off telling people how sad the service was? but thats just me! I wonder was there so much going on with her family that maybe she didnt want anyone there?
It hurts when you lose a good friend i had a huge fall out with mine when she tried to seduce my soon to be ex husband!!!!! yes think i had a good reason! lucky he never liked her but yes she tried to get close to him when we were breaking up?

I can see why you would be annoyed but my sister still talks to my ex friend and i was furious at her for telling her things i didnt want her to know about me and my life yeh wheres the family loyalty??? sad!

Sharynmarie,

Looks like your daughter and the babies are holding!
Great! I hope things are good with her BP.
O.K., hang in there Granny!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Kaazaa,

No, I did not ask her as to why she didn't tell me about his service. I felt this was rather intentional. The man died mid-July. I was in constant contact w/her throughout that month, in which she very definitely made me think, there wasn't a service. The discovery I made, was mos. later. But as I wrote.....in hindsight she'd really become a frenemy. I'll give you an example. She doesn't drive. So through our entire friendship, I was always the one picking her up. For many, many years
I took her to my scene.....social gatherings, art shows, introduced her to friends, etc. Back in the old days, we once had fun. But I don't know what happened, suddenly say, we'd go to a party, from my contacts. Of course, she knew some of these people, since she'd met them previously through me. If we were at a party,
she'd end up hanging more w/other people at the party, and be somewhat sarcastic with me, of course there was some drinking involved. At first, I didn't notice this, but as time passed I started to take note. So in this scenario I did start to feel just like her ride, and entertainment.

By the time she did this number with the funeral........I'd kind of had it, the guessing games, with her. So I decided, for me......friendship over! I had no need to ask her the why, anymore!

But my beef, here is really more w/my sister right now.
If she were in my shoes and had recanted a story about an ex friend, I wouldn't
do something to bring her back in to her environment, no less something to do with the care of mom. This hits too many nerves for my taste. Yes, it hurts when you lose a good friend, but not all of them are in this category, either.

I completely understand you not wanting certain people to attend your mom's service, too. I have a niece from hell, who only comes in the 11th hour of
life, only has bilked her grandparents out of money, and the like. So I don't even want to see her there. But you know w/family it's a tougher situation.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

;Margeaux-I know how you must feel with your sis and all having to be about her agenda..mine is the same. It would seem your ex friend has her own agenda in wriggling her way back in...why after 12 years? The fact that she targets your sis instead of you? I say hold your ground on this one.

Oh yes sisters eh? my sister is very naive she told my ex friend or frenemy (like that) all my personal stuff yeh im still single no that never worked out OMG i could have killed her! yeh my life is crap right now but hey we dont want them to know it! Yes its a huge sense of betrayal when family cant behave and stick up for us! i too would be so annoyed with my sister gosh like its not hard enough to see your mum ill you have to have this going on too! I call my sister peabrain! and thats on a good day!
Oh one day we will look back and laugh at all this!!! GULP!

Margeaux maybe just maybe she misses you? i know but maybe her way of getting back your friendship? just a thought? you know people are strange? OR she has an agenda? Lost a good friend last year when she found a man? last wk she calls me? its all off wants to meet up? told her i was sorry to hear that but im very busy right now! she asked if i had met someone? No i said just having fun with my real friends!!

This forum is for support and you have mine in this regard. Your sister totally disregarded your feelings. She acted like your wants and feelings were nothing. I would tell sis that I didn't want former friend around your Mom. Or maybe you have already done that. I wouldn't tell sis anything like that again. She appears to not care.

Good early morning!; its 3:50 and I cant sleep. My right knee hurts, has been ; since the drive here. Sitting outside with an ice pack smoking a cigarette waiting for ibuphrein ;(sp?) To kick in. Maybe bursitis again.

Margeaux I would cross that person off as a friend -you do not need dysfunctional people in your lie-you sister probably will get her fill of her soon-I am glad this thread has stayed the same-others seem pasteurized almost like posts are being withheld for some reason-maybe the folks at AC think we are not staying on topic but this is our lives we are not robots -our lives are messy at times but authentic and this site has worked for me and hundreds of others for the 6 yrs. I have been a part of this fantastic group of people -it is ordinary people dealing with unordinary problems and often feeling alone and invisible.. Please AC do not change things-the husband died 5 yrs. ago but I stayed because I had ma such good friends and wanted to help others as I had been helped when I was in the black hole.

Ill read in a few when I have something to de-stress me! I just need to vent..again!!!! Im sorry

Well, sis is moving in and she has issues like my son... Idk how Im going to do this!!!! I got so much on my plate now, and of course because of my sis issues my dad and grandpa let her do whatever she wants so theres no problems. I will once again have no say, and things are about to get a heck of a lot worse :(

sharynmarie- Glad your daughter is doing well, it will be soon! And hopefully you feel better as well. Good luck with your mom too. Thanks, yup I have a handful here. Thank you, hopefully they can give my dad a pace maker too besides the defib but idk if he qualifies for the pacemaker. I mentioned to my dad to all stay with grandpa for 30 days even 2 weeks but they can't and he won't let anyone in saying he will be fine. But yet before said he would if he needed help. Uggh Idk.

DHilBe- Your right this blog and all of you make everyone's esp my days better. I thank you all so much and hope I can be here for you and others who want to lean on me as well :) How was the thunderstorm?

kazzaa- Very neat! Yup, guess the baby had fun too and he said" let me out Im gonna row too!" Lol. Hmm are we sharing sisters?..read your answer to margeaux, Im sorry you're dealing with this too.

gladimhere- Yup, very true!

camaryllis- The government can be something sometimes. Im glad your mom only had a UTI but I sure hate having UTIs, they are horrible! Hope she feels better soon. Hopefully you can rest now and catch up with the things you need and want too :)

emjo23- Thanks grandpa is VA and goes to them for things like his bloodwork, hearing aids but he is stubborn for help. Glad your feeling better and a nice lunch!!!
*********HAPPY BIRTDAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**************** Many many hugs and wishes your way! ( even though its belated) :)

195Austin- Happy Belated Birthday to you too!!!

timetoact- Im glad you all were able to get the call done with the lawyer. And so sorry about your brother verbally abusing your sis. Im glad the aide and your dad are getting back to a routine again. I wish you luck if you can move your dad out with you, hopefully he can handle it :)

Margeaux- Good luck with the cleanse, those are good I hear! Take some time for you! Im so sorry about your past friend not telling you, even if she couldnt invite as you as kazza said, I feel she could of still told you and explain why. And sisters.. thats another reason Im writing in and complaining today! When shes happy all is calm and "loving" when shes mad all outa her way and cares for one if we all dont agree with her. Im sorry and I agree, the best bet is to have someone care for your mom who you can agree with or not past issues.

brandywine1949- Your right, we are all here for each other!!!

Me thank you for the birthday wishes .'

Sharynmarie,

Sorry to hear about your knee pain.
I'm just wondering......I know I'm sometimes reluctant just to have a real pow wow w/my sister, since of course it has always to do with the fact then we're dealing with mother right now. When you've said, "standing my ground," do you mean maybe I should have just told my sister, that this would bother me? There's also the aspect unfortunately that I can't always come and do the relief, when it comes to absent caregiver's. Hate to admit, but there is some guilt there. However, especially lately, w/all my sister's drama she constantly has going on, then she just loves to get me in her clutches, if you know what I mean......so I did think of this aspect of the situation, as to why I just wasn't more frank about my feelings.

To top things off....my sister also recently informed me that now, her pregnant daughter, also due w/in days has moved back in to mom's
w/her husband, 2 other babies, and the one on the way! They're having major foundation reconstruction done on the house they rent from my sister. I don't understand, why my niece and her husband have decided to have this kind of work done, while they're in the throes of receiving a newborn infant. Anyway, many of the reasons also, I just don't want to be involved.

Feel better with your knee, and hope your daughter is hanging in there.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Kaazaa,

Exactly! When we distance ourselves from someone who used to be a friend,
we sure don't want other family members sharing personal information w/that person anymore. This is exactly why I felt the need to give my sister the reasons why I dropped this friendship. My sister loves to go on about loyalties, but of course she only seems to apply this to her own situations, never to others.
I'm really sorry your sister shared this info. w/your ex friend.

This ex friend definitely has an agenda. She is in a rather very strapped financial situation now, since she lost a full time job. I'm sure she'd be compensated by my sis, to watch mother. Who knows if she misses me, but that for me doesn't come into the equation, I could care less.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Austin,

This person was crossed off as a friend 12 yrs., now.
This is why I'm so annoyed by the fact my sister having this knowledge, would just go ahead and even ask me about this. But of course, her needs always over ride anything. Always! That's what I thought, that my sister is going to get her fill.

This is interesting what you've written about AC. I'm glad this thread is still thriving.
I like it alot, it's helped me tremendously. I've learned, and like the people here. I haven't been on too many other threads. I think we stay on topic pretty much.
It usually points back to dysfunction. So you think AC is, what did you call it pasteurizing comments? Well, I did read on another thread, that things got kind of hairy at one point. There appeared to be a rather hostile environment created, then I guess they closed the thread.

Thanks for your thoughts, Austin.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Brandywine,

Thank you. I appreciate that.
The only one my sister really cares about is herself.

How are things going with you?
How is your mother?


Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks everybody, who gave me their input about my post.
Here I was kind of reluctant to post about it, since I had to really get my thoughts together.

I'm so grateful that I have come to know many of you, and am getting to know more of you too1

Hugs to All!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

yeh we could have a whole new website on sisters and friends!!!!! Ive learnt to keep them out of my life mum is enough work i dont need extra crap! But i will just say that when my dad died last december after the funeral we all got very drunk and POW WOW i said everything i wanted to say to my sisters it was pretty bad BUT i let it all out and i think it was a good thing now ive learnt i can never change them or make them feel guilty about mum so i just soldier on with mum and know im doing the right thing my sisters will have to live with the regrets for the rest of thier life! Yeh ive heard funerals are a good time for a family pow wow!! talk about emotions and all your anger coming out still better than paying for therapy! i just try and get along with my sisters now its easier now since the huge row as they know how i feel and i got alot of issues out!
Maybe we should do like in the simpsons..........gather all the family together in a room and give each other "shock treatment". oh families you gotta love them! LOL

;Margeaux-I would stand m6 ground in not allowing this ex friend back in. However, I wonder! If your sister has manipulated a visit from her saying she will caregive for mom because you have not been available when sis wants, she is trying to guilt you knowing how you feel about about the ex friend. I have more leverage with my sis as she does not live with mom in her house.

Hello,
Does anyone know how long it takes for the effects of the UTI to subside once they start taking antibiotics? MIL has been acting really weird, I am making an assumption that the crazy is coming from the UTI, and wondered how long to expect it to last?

Funeral is Monday, maybe after that things will calm down too. She keeps doing weird things, moving things around, doing and redoing things, can't talk straight, has been incontinent. Not like her. She is really vain and self centered. It is always all about her, and if we don't pay enough attention to her, which means excessively, she finds a way to get attention by either acting crazy or hurting herself. Aaaahhh. Round two.

Thanks for listening,
Christine

Christine, the antibiotics should make a difference within 48 hours. What antibiotic did they prescribe and for how long? She may have immunity to what she is taking, it may require another one. If she is not back to herself Monday I would call the doc. They may want to recheck her. There is a chance that the specimen they took was contaminated, happens when they don't clean themselves well enough after #2. Unless they send in a culture which takes several days to read, you just do not know for sure whether it is really an infection. My Mom has to be catheterized to insure a sterile specimen. The worst experience we had with a contaminated sample I had to keep calling to doc for results. They told me something was growing, but weren't sure what yet. Finally almost a week later they said the specimen was contaminated! Geez! Frustrating!

Camaryllis,

Also remember that she's just lost her husband.
No matter her own physical problems, or her psychological history, some of this behavior could be playing itself out in this manner also.

Mom lost her sister who was a narcissist, and totally controlled my mom, as mom was younger. As I became older, I got it that these two sisters had survived the Depression era, and the loss of their dad when they were adolescent girls.
Their mother, (my grandmother) was from the old country, and didn't speak English, living in the U.S. So mom and her older sister had to take the reigns, become young adults at a time in their life they yet weren't ready for. They quit school, and went to work, to survive. So what did that do w/in the dynamics between these two sisters? It made the older one, (who was very domineering) become a mother hen to mom. In more recent years....I really saw this play out between the two of them. Sometimes I viewed my aunt as mom's mother. So when mom lost her sister, and mom has ALZ, I saw mom behave differently, and had to deal w/my sister's comments about mom's lucid comments about her own sister. Of course, my sister being the controller, and an extremely impatient person......she'd tell me, about some of the things mom was doing or saying. In essence, I thought that my sister was being rather insensitive as to how mom was feeling about the loss of her sister. Why? Because mom has ALZ. So in my sister's head, it became abundantly clear almost as if mother didn't have the where with all to be grieving, or the right. I had to point out to her after hearing this for over a month, that mother even w/ALZ, was grieving the loss.

Anyway, I'm not trying to imply that this is what you are doing, but I just thought I'd post about this, so that you could be aware of this process also. I think often times people forget that people, no matter their age, or mental state still do grieve.

Anyway, try to be patient. Certainly, if you think this medication may not be the proper one, do have her checked once again.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks, Glad and Margeaux,
Yes, she is a narcissist who needs attention, so this might be part of the 'grieving widow' scenario. And yes, of course she is grieving, she was married for 68 years. Regardless that all she ever did was complain about FIL and how he was mistreating her. This morning was the worst morning yet. She came out of her bedroom naked, with the fitted sheet wrapped around her shoulders, and was talking word salad crazy and could barely walk. Her room looked like a tornado had hit it. I am not sure what to do with her. She has been taking the antibiotics just a day and a half and she had an injection at the doctor's office. Charles is frantic, not sure if he should check her into the hospital rather than taking her to the funeral. I figure there is enough family there to help him as needed, and he can't not take her. So he will, and his daughter is here and can help on the way down. I got her to eat some oatmeal and drink some water, and take her meds. And she is calmer and more coherent now. So hard to say if it is the UTI or grief or just drama. So hard to figure that out! Adding the dysfunction to the grief and infection. Who knows what will help. I am trying. And so is Charles.
Thanks for sharing that, Margeaux, I do know she is feeling lost. I am trying to find things that comfort her. I am going to take FIL's shirts and make a small quilt from them, that might help her too.
The only good news is that I am going to have tonight and most of tomorrow to myself. I am trying to breathe. I have some projects that need to be done, that I haven't even started yet, so maybe tomorrow I can get to work on those. Creativity is very low right now! I may end up making a goddess of Dementia. Actually, that is a good idea, but not appropriate for what I am donating the doll to. :)
Also, MIL is letting me move her into FIL's old room, it is bigger and is not the storage room. So she can have the whole closet and less things to trip over. Although she has to try really hard to trip over things where she is now, but still she does it. Aaaaahhh.
Thanks for listening
Christine

Glad, can't remember which antibiotic, but it started with a C. I will call the dr. on Monday and see if they can see her again. She was crying not to put her back in the hospital, getting really upset. So that probably will be a challenge. All her symptoms are attributable to the UTI, according to the dr. and what I have read and heard here...she is so difficult, won't drink water unless I stand over her and insist. I got her some pedialyte, she will drink that, so also got some stuff that flavors the water and maybe that will work. We had to watch FIL every minute he was awake, and I don't know if I can take this again. Well, I think I can't but of course I can. Just dreading it.
Thanks for your support
Christine

Cipro, I imagine.
Side effect short list from WebMD

Ciprofloxacin and levofloxacin

Call your doctor right away if you have:

Hives.
Sudden pain after exercise (especially in your ankle, back of the knee or leg, shoulder, elbow, or wrist).
Pain, burning, numbness, tingling, or weakness.
Fainting.
An irregular or slow heart rate

Mom's in memory care now. Memory care being polite code for the super-max security geriatric psych unit. It's locked, and mom has an ankle bracelet. The unit is actually nicer than the one she was in, in the early dementia care unit. This campus is huge, and I am constantly amazed at how much is under one roof!

Mom's on a whopper dose of prozac, risperidol, and aricept. We visited on Saturday, and instead of an agitated, raging, mean old lady, we found her bundled up in bed, and more like a little girl. She was surprised we found her. She wanted "a great big bear hug" and just went on & on about seeing us meant her sins were forgiven and she was trying to be good.

She kept saying her hands and feet were broken, but they weren't. Probably sore from having to be subdued by the police when she went on her rampage 2 weeks ago, and having her blood sugar checked several times a day. She wouldn't sit up or try to use her limbs at all. I had her wiggle her fingers & toes to show her they still work. I know they have her up & going to PT.

She wanted to know if I was "still abusing" my husband & kids! What the what? My husband was sitting right there and we were put off kilter by that one. She wanted to know if her brother & sisters were alive - yes. She asked if I'd talked to her mom(who died in 1998). I punted and said no, not lately but she loves you very much and wants you to know it will all be ok. That one almost choked me up.
The look on her face was like a little girl who just had a pat on the head.

Then we went through a litany several times about is the US safe, is the president safe, are we safe, are the grandkids safe, etc. i just kept saying everybody will be just fine, and she is in the safest place possible.

I put her new bedroom shoes on and she liked them. They're the boiled wool ones that have a velcro instep strap, so it fits over high insteps like hers. She has skyscrapers for insteps. It's pretty hard to find shoes for her. I found these for $26! More than half price off!

I also got her some very lightweight sneakers for PT. No more sandals & mules! I put the pigtail elastic laces in them, so no tying. It's so weird. A year ago, she was in a 4 bedroom hoarder house full to the max, raising cane and full of big talk about everything. Today, all her belongings fit on a twin bed. What a trip this has been so far.

God bless medication. God bless the doctors who treated her for the past week at the geriatric psych crisis unit at the hospital. Lordy, I hope this stable period lasts for a good while. God bless the people at the care center she lives at. And i thank my lucky stars I have not had to go facility hunting through this!

Sandwich, so good to hear that things are settling down for your mom and they seem to have found the right medications to keep her comfortable. Funny, my mom too, always worries about whether everybody is safe.