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It's really bizarre to see her go from snarling, charging, snot-flinging, punch throwing holy devil to a 77 year old little girl who wants a bear hug. I don't know if I can resolve the two things!
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Sandwich, it must be a complete shock to your system! I cannot imagine! I would probably start wondering if I had imagined everything else. LOL!
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If any one can offer advice, or just a "been there!" it would be greatly appreciated. At 49, I have spent the last 25 years listening to my mom be a victim after she and my dad divorced in 1989. I stuck with her, because no one else would have. She's a smart woman, but blames everything that happens on my dad, and insists that I should have nothing to do with him, and many times asks invasive questions like "when did you see him?" "Did you see her, too?" (My parents grew apart, divorced, and my dad remarried a few years later.) I've always had a good relationship with him, but my mother said that we (my brother and I - adults) should never speak to him again. Anyway, she lives two hours from my husband and I. Any time we've had her spend the weekend with us just to visit, it has ended up with her getting mad over something trivial and retreating to the guest bedroom. Usually, it is because we didn't chime in with her about my dad, because it's rare that she doesn't bring it up. (Remember, it's been 25 years and her behavior has been bringing it up during 95% of our conversations for 25 years.) She chose to keep the house and take care of it. Now, at 83, she is becoming scared of being alone and wants to be near her children. Her physical health is not at the point where she can take care of her property much longer. We are looking at condos for her in our town, because, sadly, we know that we could never live together harmoniously, with her tendency to go into hiding if things don't go quite her way. I love my mother - she raised me well and was good to me. But, that does not excuse her from continually demanding that I chose between her and my dad. I try to be optimistic and offer positive solutions, but she says I don't understand because I'm not 83. Well, I'm not, but I'm an intelligent, caring person. Usually the solution I read about is "setting boundaries". I've tried that, but it never works with her. She is very difficult and things have to go just her way, and I'm always ready to hear, "after all I've done for you...". If she moves to another town in a condo she'll be scared to go out. If she stays where she is, she complains that her kids aren't near. I've been told that I'm a really good daughter for putting up with all this, but I know what will happen if she moves in with us. Again, this is probably just venting on my end. I have a good job and a great spouse, who understands how she is. I'm very practical, so she tells me "it would be great if everything were that simple" when I try to offer practical solutions. I guess I will just have to draw a line with her and tell her that we want to help her, but clearly outline the options. Has anyone else out there had a parent that was clearly difficult like this? By the way, I tried to condense the situation but sorry it was still long.
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Sandwich so glad Mom is finally under control but what a shocking change for you. you must feel you don't know if your are comming or going. all I can say is that she is in the right place and being taken care of. but it scared me when you mentioned her age. I am 18 months shy of 77 and wonder if I will be in that situation by then.

Mulltipass my dad left when I was 10. Mum refused his request for a divorce and he spent a long time trying to find evidence so he could get one. the law being different in the UK at that time. When I was 18 I was able to reconnect with him and often visited with his new family. My Mum was insanely jealous and tried to find out everything she could from me but I kept quiet. She would try and find letter to read so i had to be very careful not to leave anything around. once we forgot our little kids boots when we visited and Mum immediately spotted that they were missing so knew where we had been. When dad's wife, by then, mailed them back she handed me the parcel with great glee.
Thank goodness she never lived with us as she could not get to our house alone and we had to pick her up.but it is interesting to hear how other people are dealing with their aging parents.
Once when hubb'y sompany sent us to nashville for a year she was all set to spend a month's vaction with us bringing along her elderly friend. i liked the woman but did not fancy them in the house for a month and no way of getting out as I was still " driving on the wrong side of the road" and scared of city traffic. Not to mention 2 babies under two!
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Multipass-Yes most of us here have had or are dealing with a difficult demanding parent, more commonly it seems to be our mothers or mother in laws. Setting boundaries is hard to establish but once accomplished, it does help to keep stress and heartache down. You are wise in not having her live with you. I would not let her know about time you spend with your dad, even phone calls. My mom would get upset when I would set a boundary or if I held her accountable and we would not speak for several weeks but I refused to give in or apologize to her. Evenly shewould calm down and we carried on. When she would start her talk, I would leave. Here you will get lots of support, a listening ear and suggestions. Come back and share as much as you like. Welcome to the thread.
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Christine so sorry MIL seems to have taken a turn for the worse. it is possible it is only temorary and once the infection is gone and the funeral over hopefully she will be more herself. It is a long time to be married but try and be as matter of fact with your consoling. Skip the pity party and concentrate on the positive sides of their marriage just in case she turns your sympathy into bids for attention. Start looking at place when she can go before this puts too much strain on you and Charles.
you are an amazing young woman and there is nothing you can't do if you have to. When the time comes you will be an awesome Mom too. God bless you.
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195Austin- Your welcome!!!

Margeaux- Oh wow, thats not easy for anyone in your moms house! Congrats to your niece but yikes! Your mom went through a lot just as you are..hugs to you!

kazzaa- ;) Yup, I agree, this website would have a lot of folks on about our sis or even male siblings and friends! Thats the way to do it, drunk lol!! When I used to drink I would also get more daring and let it go!!! Yup.. families!

camaryllis- I wish the best for her and you. Hugs

gladimhere- I took cipro a few times, but I know it effects people differently. and also the older the person is. Im glad you thought of the name, I forgot what it was that I took the last time.

sandwich42plus- I am also your mom is doing better and the way you answered her had me smiling. You answered her perfectly and I can just picture that smile on her face :) Im also glad this facility is nicer. Good deal on the shoes too!

Multipass- Im sorry you had to grow up in that situation, and you as an adult have the choice to see your dad or not, no matter the situation. I understand what your mom went through and what she still feels, but this about you and your dad and she may be trying to protect you still. You have made peace with your family/life and all you can do is encourage your mom to do the same. I think having a condo for her would be nice or if she chooses not to move, maybe everyone can teach her how to use Skype, call her or mail her more? Im sure you all already do though. Have her stay at a hotel near you and have places already picked out to live, shop, centers to visit so she can get a feel for the area and start meeting friends? I wish you luck hugs
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Multipass, it sounds like you're being tormented by the mirage - we all see it sometimes - of your mother's happiness. If you can only get things perfect, she'll be happy. Even though you know life just doesn't work like that.

You love her.
You are appreciative of her as your parent.
You are sympathetic to her current situation, and keen to help her find an environment where she will be comfortable.

You are not going to join her in trashing your Dad.
You are not going to sacrifice your own life in some (almost certainly futile) gesture of devotion.
She is not moving in with you. No. Forget it. Not happening.

Perhaps it's a question of deciding, when your mother asks something of you, whether or not what she's asking is reasonable. Not just whether she's strictly entitled to it, but whether you're happy to offer it, whether it demands too much of you or not, whether it impacts on anything else important. So then you can say yes or no, according to your own lights; and how she reacts to your response is then up to her.

The worst case scenario process is also very helpful: you say no to something, she's angry about it, what's the worst that can happen? The worst is usually not so bad. Sometimes, as with my dear ex-MIL, it's bloody marvellous - she didn't speak to me for years, oh blessed peace.

I suppose it all boils down to accepting that you can't decide what she does, but you can decide what you do, so you concentrate on your bit and worry less about hers. And in particular you refuse to accept responsibility for things - such as your parents' past, her decisions and her feelings - that are utterly beyond your control.
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Sandwich-I am glad they have found a combination of meds to keep your mother calm. It is an adjustment for you to see her but a big relief as well.

Camaryllis-your mil will be adjusting to this for a while. Getting her rechecked for the UTI is good. Maybe in a few months she will be up for spending some time at the senior center for some socialization with others.

Have a good day everyone!
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Multipass, it's always such a shame when people divorce and can't get past their own bitterness to see that their kids didn't divorce the other parent. This is sure one of those "well Mom, we'll just have to agree to disagree so let's drop it".

Just a heads up on difficult moms who have to have their own way - as they get older, their health and mobility mean they can't do the things they always have. They don't always adapt but expect you to adapt however needed to make sure they still get their way. Boundaries really are critical here because otherwise you start doing things "just this time to keep the peace" and slowly find yourself in a situation that is not a good one.

As for "after all I've done for you", that works both ways.
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Multipass - Yes, been there. We will write you a note if you need it to set yourself free from other peoples' chains.

Every one of us here has someone - usually a mom - who would get to Heaven and ask to see the upstairs. Their happiness and choices are not our responsibility. You will NEVER make someone like that happy because they don't know how to be happy. Your job is to take care of you. If you have to step in, it's to preserve their safety. Not happiness. My mom is living proof happiness is just the right dosage away.

Decades of Borderline personality disorder, bi-polar, schizophrenia, dementia and here we are finally with her version of "happy" courtesy of 3 very strong meds.

I had to learn to let it go. Let her go. I ended up taking a role more like her "agent" than daughter.
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Hey all, hope you all are doing well. As far as my life everyday is the same routine... now my daughter made a comment Im not here, I know Ive said it but once in a while my kids want me later at night ( until 8:30pm) and sometimes at night even though shes asleep and so am I, its where I belong to be. I mean if I was working at night she would still feel the effects but I cant even spend one or two nights a week with her.. but overall I cant...no one to be with grandpa. She doesnt want to come down there but I see her point its should be time with her in our home. Granpa insisted Im there when the nurse is there..but I sent dad..insists me to go over bills right now with him which is a week or so before payday! Im trying to get my house done... Hmm I wonder if I can take a pic of my yard and upload here as my avatar pic? I can mow my rocks!!! Yes, rocks because all the weeds have grown in the rocks and the stop sign has grass and weeds growing around but the kicker? The big kicker is I will be fined because by the stop sign is one of those wheel chair ramps from the street( we are corner house)!!! Must be clear so the handicap/people with strollers etc can go up..

Again if I didnt have other things to do and kids to raise, Id be able and willing to be there anytime. In the car this morning my dad was trying to talk to be but while he was driving I took the opportunity to go over some other things on paper... for my grandpa!!!!! Every time Im out I think,, ok its almost lunch or dinner.. figure out... whatever...I look at my clock and think I been gone to long have to get back. My gosh.. thats how I feel about my kids!!!
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Me1000, you have got to stop enabling the problem. Put your kids and your own life first, and I mean it. This is not wrong. This is the natural order of things. Grandpa and Dad do not get to monopolize your time. Especially when you are facing fines from the city for neglecting your property.

You have GOT to learn the word NO. No, I can't now. I can't until next month. I can't until next week. I can't do that at all. You hereby have permission to say NO to all the things pulling on you that are causing you stress and to miss out on your kids & home life.

Grandpa & Dad need to be seen by social workers & doctors. They need to be in a nursing home or at the least have more outside help to stay home. THIS IS NOT YOU.

If your own kids are pleading to get more time with mom, there's a reason. Do not ignore this. Stop assigning yourself to Grandpa's problems. By you being there, nobody else is going to step in and fill your spot.

YOU are not the only person who can take care of grandpa. So what if grandpa insists? Sounds like Grandpa needs more care than what you can provide anyway. I say it's time to find a nursing home or senior apartment for grandpa, and let social services take over.
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sandwich42plus- I do say no and its h*ll on wheels. I get the "I do everything for you and dont ask a dime"- all of this is for you and the kids- you need to make me your priority sometimes. I do. I told him when Im down their 11-12hors a night ( very very rare I was there "late" only there 9 hours I still clean and put pills in the pill box etc..) So Im not cleaning because he doesn't hear me moving things around while hes sitting up? Thats my impression and hes all "didnt say that" He wants time with me says he never sees me... well .. IDK he needs other companions, I love him too but I want time with him and not always having to rush to appts and clean.. and get yelled at!( in between the rare its good but...). Oh, and when I told him how bad the yard is" why dont you keep up with it" or he says he'll pay someone then complains about it!!! blah!!!!!!

So, because I have no job right now, isnt it wrong of me not to run there and help him or just go over bills and such? I owe him and this is the only way I can pay him back for all he has done is by being there for him. When I limit the time, I feel guilty. I also feel guilty about my kids and try everyday to get them to go with me but they dont want esp my daughter. I really wish I had a week to get away even if its on the other side of town camping! I really need the time to think and decide things.

Thank you !!! :)
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Sandwich,

WOW! Well, I can't tell you how happy I am for you that finally your mom seems to have been placed in the proper facility. Yes, I really think that in many cases as such it is better to look at oneself as "the agent/ vs. the daughter."
That make a lot of sense. Congratulations, and proof that there is still light at the end of the tunnel.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Multipass,

Welcome to the thread.
There are tons of stories very similar to your's.
Setting boundaries is of primary importance, and as has been stated, sticking to them, which is the harder part of this. Please try to look at her comments, such as ......."all I've done for you," as her attempts of manipulation, rather than going down guilt lane. If you don't start changing the way you analyze this.......it will be difficult to employ the whole concept of setting boundaries. One has to work in tandem with the other, or it just doesn't work.
It is really a difficult decision when it comes to moving a parent closer/or, into your own home. Many times prospective caregivers aren't fully aware of the demands they are taking on. So do try to search the site, or look at other resources concerning becoming a full time caregiver.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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multipass i think weve the same mum!! yeh mum and dad seperated 38yrs ago she kicked him out when he had an affair hes since died last december and shes still going on about what a sh*t he was? we have a saying here dont speak ill of the dead? guess mum never got that one? Its draining to be dragged into thier issues all your life? i shut off now and let her rant shes getting old facing her own death and her whole unhappy life is coming out its thier anger so let her rant just ignore it if you can trust me i know its hard same old stories told years and years later its just so sad HA "closure" nah mum will never get closure until shes at peace one day. mum and dad should never have been together mum blames dad for her whole life BUT i know differently when i met mums brother who id never met he said i see your mums still as bitter as ever? i said thats not nice so would you be if you were left to look after 5 young children on your own? WHAT he said shes been bitter ALL her life before she met my dad?? so everything came out then so i blame them both! mum was an angry woman before she met dad and thats why he left but whatever happened between them he wasnt a good father and mum did bring us up on her own so for that i am here and grateful BUT it dosnt mean i am a punching bag for her constant abuse and misery i cannot fix her or make her bad memories go away and either can you! We just make sure they are cared for and safe mum thinks shes neglected well maybe a bit as i cant and wont listen to hateful bitter comments about her life im done hearing it so tired i pray she finds peace soon so one day ill find peace too! its never fair to do this to kids its so wrong yep torn my whole life between them told "dont you dare cry at his funeral OR ill kick you out" whatever he was still my dad and i forgave him i pray now that i can forgive her too! Hugs as it hurts when we are the pawns in thier mess but we rise above it and try not to make the same mistakes they made thats our reward!
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just to add another funny poster wrote "i want to go back to kindergarten" LOL what if we could go back then with what we now know!!!! that would be a buzz! that would my heaven im 4yrs old and im back in kindergarten and im going to fix it all right this time!!! when youve had broken childhood you grow up too fast so now i want to be a child again and wonder at life yep look at all this through an excited four year old eyes!! Its going to be strange when both parents are gone and time for us to be kids again but smart kids!!!
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Well, I have had quite a stressful day. Got a call about 9:30 this morning that there was a fire at my house last night. Spent the day with insurance adjusters, restoration company, fire department and at hospital with my friend that is taking care of my house so I can care for mom. He was smoking and using oxygen. We have all heard the warnings but those that do this think it will never happen to them. Well... He was released from the hospital tonight is in a hotel courtesy of the Red Cross.
Now the mitigation and rebuild. One room was completely gutted but the smoke and water damage is unbelievable. Large 4,000 sq ft house, built 1896, my beast house came to be.
I am fortunate my son and sons in law can help with all of this and hopefully minimize the hour drive there to take care of things.
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Oh no Glad! We hear about this all the time, I am so sorry. Take deep breaths and make the necessary arrangements for shelter. It is a shame and the last thing you need on your plate right now. I am thinking about you ((((Hugs))))!
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gladimhere- Im so sorry about your house and glad your friend is ok. Your in my thoughts hugs
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Glad,

I also am very sorry to hear about this.
Yes, people don't heed to these warnings. I had a friend on oxygen, who years ago had one of those portable oxygen tanks. She used to light up cigarette's, and of course many times she was around other people. Many of us were alarmed,
at the thought of the tank blowing up, too. It was interesting since this person thought of herself as highly aware, especially when it came to health issues.
It was rather crazy, and I found that eventually more and more people stopped inviting her to social gatherings, since she just didn't have the common sense to refrain from smoking w/an oxygen tank.

You are also in my thoughts.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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I was just thinking......these tanks that have any kind of air pressure in them.
One time while I lived in Europe, I lived in a small tourist port. I became friends with a woman, who was a bartender in one of the small businesses in the port.
It was also a cafe, during the day as they served breakfast and lunch.

One day I went in there for lunch. One of the tanks that holds beer fell on the floor, and I guess the impact the tank sustained caused it to literally fly out of the cafe onto a walkway, and just about land in the water of the port. I was walking up the walkway and saw it happen. So just goes to show us, how powerful these pressurized tanks can be. No one was hurt since the cafe wasn't busy.
Oh boy, was my friend the bartender, and me rather rattled after that. I even helped her clean up things like broken glass, strewn napkin holders it took in it's path. Scary!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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((((((glad))))) so sorry abut your house. 4000 sq. feet is huge!!! Hope your friend recovers and does not smoke near oxygen any more. So good that you have young people to help with what has to be done.

sandwich - what a change in your mum. Maybe there is hope for mine yet. I think she needs an antidepressant as well as the antipsychotic. I guess they are cautious - one step at a time.

Taking a bit of a break trying to get over this infection and adjust meds and activity properly. Had a great day Monday - took my youngest grandson for lunch. Then back here and he chose some if my father's things from WW1, then we went on the trail across from the house and he played on some of the exercise stations they placed along the trail. Went back for tea with my daughter and then home. It was too much and I have been paying for it since. Promised G a roast beef supper tonight. I don't think I am up to making Yorkshire pudding :( I get so disgusted with having to stay so quiet.

Have a good day everyone.
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Me1000,

I'm going to tell you a story. My parents worked since I was very, very young.
I being the eldest was left in charge of my siblings. Of course while I was still super young.....up to about 7 years of age, grandmother was still in the picture, baby sitting. But as soon as all of four siblings were in school, grandmother's presence became much less. Now I had to really become very responsible for many things concerning my sibs. It was very hard on me, but I guess I just got used to it. Both of my parents worked during the day.

Then I remember when I must have been about 9 yrs. old, mother started to work nights. This really meant that we hardly saw our mom, since she was there during the day, while we were at school, then she'd leave for work about 3:30 p.m. Let me tell you, how sad it was at first, just mom's absence. I know that my sister and me didn't like this at all. Being a young kid, wanting some mother attention just wasn't happening for us. I remember having feelings of abandonment, although I didn't know what the heck to call it at the time.
Please, please.......start paying attention to these messages your daughter is giving you.

Also, I completely am onboard with Sandwich's post. It is time for you and your family to look for help, so that you can prioritize the things that really matter to you and your children. Be aware, as in my case......there could be some resentment on their part if you don't give this some serious thought.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Me1000 - you have GOT TO STOP feeding yourself these messages about guilt and owning people something.

Nothing will change for you until you give YOURSELF permission to be a whole person, with needs, thoughts, opinions, and responsibilities to your CHILDREN.

Your CHILDREN need you more than dad & grandpa do. It is unreasonable for anybody to think they can pull you away from your children. Dad & Grandpa continue to pull you in because you let them. Dad & grandpa are never going to change until you make it happen.

I also challenge you to figure out why it is so hard for you to allow yourself to make changes. What's in it for you to keep things the same?
Do you get some kind of feeling when you are the rescuer for all these people?
Why do you need that feeling?

You are paying a huge price by continuing to do things the same way every day.
So what if they yell at you? So what if they say mean things. Let it GO.

Set yourself free. You are the only person who can.
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gladimhere, That is so awful but glad your friend is safe. HUGS
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Thank you, everybody! I am just kind of numb at this point.
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My daughters bp has been high since last night. She and sil went to the hospital this afternoon. It is consistenly high 158/100. They admitted her for monitoring hoping to get her o friday. If her bp gets to160/110 they will induce her before friday.
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Sharyn, wonderful! You will get to meet those boys before you need to get back! Wish you had a few more days though.
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