
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Mulltipass my dad left when I was 10. Mum refused his request for a divorce and he spent a long time trying to find evidence so he could get one. the law being different in the UK at that time. When I was 18 I was able to reconnect with him and often visited with his new family. My Mum was insanely jealous and tried to find out everything she could from me but I kept quiet. She would try and find letter to read so i had to be very careful not to leave anything around. once we forgot our little kids boots when we visited and Mum immediately spotted that they were missing so knew where we had been. When dad's wife, by then, mailed them back she handed me the parcel with great glee.
Thank goodness she never lived with us as she could not get to our house alone and we had to pick her up.but it is interesting to hear how other people are dealing with their aging parents.
Once when hubb'y sompany sent us to nashville for a year she was all set to spend a month's vaction with us bringing along her elderly friend. i liked the woman but did not fancy them in the house for a month and no way of getting out as I was still " driving on the wrong side of the road" and scared of city traffic. Not to mention 2 babies under two!
you are an amazing young woman and there is nothing you can't do if you have to. When the time comes you will be an awesome Mom too. God bless you.
Margeaux- Oh wow, thats not easy for anyone in your moms house! Congrats to your niece but yikes! Your mom went through a lot just as you are..hugs to you!
kazzaa- ;) Yup, I agree, this website would have a lot of folks on about our sis or even male siblings and friends! Thats the way to do it, drunk lol!! When I used to drink I would also get more daring and let it go!!! Yup.. families!
camaryllis- I wish the best for her and you. Hugs
gladimhere- I took cipro a few times, but I know it effects people differently. and also the older the person is. Im glad you thought of the name, I forgot what it was that I took the last time.
sandwich42plus- I am also your mom is doing better and the way you answered her had me smiling. You answered her perfectly and I can just picture that smile on her face :) Im also glad this facility is nicer. Good deal on the shoes too!
Multipass- Im sorry you had to grow up in that situation, and you as an adult have the choice to see your dad or not, no matter the situation. I understand what your mom went through and what she still feels, but this about you and your dad and she may be trying to protect you still. You have made peace with your family/life and all you can do is encourage your mom to do the same. I think having a condo for her would be nice or if she chooses not to move, maybe everyone can teach her how to use Skype, call her or mail her more? Im sure you all already do though. Have her stay at a hotel near you and have places already picked out to live, shop, centers to visit so she can get a feel for the area and start meeting friends? I wish you luck hugs
You love her.
You are appreciative of her as your parent.
You are sympathetic to her current situation, and keen to help her find an environment where she will be comfortable.
You are not going to join her in trashing your Dad.
You are not going to sacrifice your own life in some (almost certainly futile) gesture of devotion.
She is not moving in with you. No. Forget it. Not happening.
Perhaps it's a question of deciding, when your mother asks something of you, whether or not what she's asking is reasonable. Not just whether she's strictly entitled to it, but whether you're happy to offer it, whether it demands too much of you or not, whether it impacts on anything else important. So then you can say yes or no, according to your own lights; and how she reacts to your response is then up to her.
The worst case scenario process is also very helpful: you say no to something, she's angry about it, what's the worst that can happen? The worst is usually not so bad. Sometimes, as with my dear ex-MIL, it's bloody marvellous - she didn't speak to me for years, oh blessed peace.
I suppose it all boils down to accepting that you can't decide what she does, but you can decide what you do, so you concentrate on your bit and worry less about hers. And in particular you refuse to accept responsibility for things - such as your parents' past, her decisions and her feelings - that are utterly beyond your control.
Camaryllis-your mil will be adjusting to this for a while. Getting her rechecked for the UTI is good. Maybe in a few months she will be up for spending some time at the senior center for some socialization with others.
Have a good day everyone!
Just a heads up on difficult moms who have to have their own way - as they get older, their health and mobility mean they can't do the things they always have. They don't always adapt but expect you to adapt however needed to make sure they still get their way. Boundaries really are critical here because otherwise you start doing things "just this time to keep the peace" and slowly find yourself in a situation that is not a good one.
As for "after all I've done for you", that works both ways.
Every one of us here has someone - usually a mom - who would get to Heaven and ask to see the upstairs. Their happiness and choices are not our responsibility. You will NEVER make someone like that happy because they don't know how to be happy. Your job is to take care of you. If you have to step in, it's to preserve their safety. Not happiness. My mom is living proof happiness is just the right dosage away.
Decades of Borderline personality disorder, bi-polar, schizophrenia, dementia and here we are finally with her version of "happy" courtesy of 3 very strong meds.
I had to learn to let it go. Let her go. I ended up taking a role more like her "agent" than daughter.
Again if I didnt have other things to do and kids to raise, Id be able and willing to be there anytime. In the car this morning my dad was trying to talk to be but while he was driving I took the opportunity to go over some other things on paper... for my grandpa!!!!! Every time Im out I think,, ok its almost lunch or dinner.. figure out... whatever...I look at my clock and think I been gone to long have to get back. My gosh.. thats how I feel about my kids!!!
You have GOT to learn the word NO. No, I can't now. I can't until next month. I can't until next week. I can't do that at all. You hereby have permission to say NO to all the things pulling on you that are causing you stress and to miss out on your kids & home life.
Grandpa & Dad need to be seen by social workers & doctors. They need to be in a nursing home or at the least have more outside help to stay home. THIS IS NOT YOU.
If your own kids are pleading to get more time with mom, there's a reason. Do not ignore this. Stop assigning yourself to Grandpa's problems. By you being there, nobody else is going to step in and fill your spot.
YOU are not the only person who can take care of grandpa. So what if grandpa insists? Sounds like Grandpa needs more care than what you can provide anyway. I say it's time to find a nursing home or senior apartment for grandpa, and let social services take over.
So, because I have no job right now, isnt it wrong of me not to run there and help him or just go over bills and such? I owe him and this is the only way I can pay him back for all he has done is by being there for him. When I limit the time, I feel guilty. I also feel guilty about my kids and try everyday to get them to go with me but they dont want esp my daughter. I really wish I had a week to get away even if its on the other side of town camping! I really need the time to think and decide things.
Thank you !!! :)
WOW! Well, I can't tell you how happy I am for you that finally your mom seems to have been placed in the proper facility. Yes, I really think that in many cases as such it is better to look at oneself as "the agent/ vs. the daughter."
That make a lot of sense. Congratulations, and proof that there is still light at the end of the tunnel.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Welcome to the thread.
There are tons of stories very similar to your's.
Setting boundaries is of primary importance, and as has been stated, sticking to them, which is the harder part of this. Please try to look at her comments, such as ......."all I've done for you," as her attempts of manipulation, rather than going down guilt lane. If you don't start changing the way you analyze this.......it will be difficult to employ the whole concept of setting boundaries. One has to work in tandem with the other, or it just doesn't work.
It is really a difficult decision when it comes to moving a parent closer/or, into your own home. Many times prospective caregivers aren't fully aware of the demands they are taking on. So do try to search the site, or look at other resources concerning becoming a full time caregiver.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Now the mitigation and rebuild. One room was completely gutted but the smoke and water damage is unbelievable. Large 4,000 sq ft house, built 1896, my beast house came to be.
I am fortunate my son and sons in law can help with all of this and hopefully minimize the hour drive there to take care of things.
I also am very sorry to hear about this.
Yes, people don't heed to these warnings. I had a friend on oxygen, who years ago had one of those portable oxygen tanks. She used to light up cigarette's, and of course many times she was around other people. Many of us were alarmed,
at the thought of the tank blowing up, too. It was interesting since this person thought of herself as highly aware, especially when it came to health issues.
It was rather crazy, and I found that eventually more and more people stopped inviting her to social gatherings, since she just didn't have the common sense to refrain from smoking w/an oxygen tank.
You are also in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
One time while I lived in Europe, I lived in a small tourist port. I became friends with a woman, who was a bartender in one of the small businesses in the port.
It was also a cafe, during the day as they served breakfast and lunch.
One day I went in there for lunch. One of the tanks that holds beer fell on the floor, and I guess the impact the tank sustained caused it to literally fly out of the cafe onto a walkway, and just about land in the water of the port. I was walking up the walkway and saw it happen. So just goes to show us, how powerful these pressurized tanks can be. No one was hurt since the cafe wasn't busy.
Oh boy, was my friend the bartender, and me rather rattled after that. I even helped her clean up things like broken glass, strewn napkin holders it took in it's path. Scary!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
sandwich - what a change in your mum. Maybe there is hope for mine yet. I think she needs an antidepressant as well as the antipsychotic. I guess they are cautious - one step at a time.
Taking a bit of a break trying to get over this infection and adjust meds and activity properly. Had a great day Monday - took my youngest grandson for lunch. Then back here and he chose some if my father's things from WW1, then we went on the trail across from the house and he played on some of the exercise stations they placed along the trail. Went back for tea with my daughter and then home. It was too much and I have been paying for it since. Promised G a roast beef supper tonight. I don't think I am up to making Yorkshire pudding :( I get so disgusted with having to stay so quiet.
Have a good day everyone.
I'm going to tell you a story. My parents worked since I was very, very young.
I being the eldest was left in charge of my siblings. Of course while I was still super young.....up to about 7 years of age, grandmother was still in the picture, baby sitting. But as soon as all of four siblings were in school, grandmother's presence became much less. Now I had to really become very responsible for many things concerning my sibs. It was very hard on me, but I guess I just got used to it. Both of my parents worked during the day.
Then I remember when I must have been about 9 yrs. old, mother started to work nights. This really meant that we hardly saw our mom, since she was there during the day, while we were at school, then she'd leave for work about 3:30 p.m. Let me tell you, how sad it was at first, just mom's absence. I know that my sister and me didn't like this at all. Being a young kid, wanting some mother attention just wasn't happening for us. I remember having feelings of abandonment, although I didn't know what the heck to call it at the time.
Please, please.......start paying attention to these messages your daughter is giving you.
Also, I completely am onboard with Sandwich's post. It is time for you and your family to look for help, so that you can prioritize the things that really matter to you and your children. Be aware, as in my case......there could be some resentment on their part if you don't give this some serious thought.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Nothing will change for you until you give YOURSELF permission to be a whole person, with needs, thoughts, opinions, and responsibilities to your CHILDREN.
Your CHILDREN need you more than dad & grandpa do. It is unreasonable for anybody to think they can pull you away from your children. Dad & Grandpa continue to pull you in because you let them. Dad & grandpa are never going to change until you make it happen.
I also challenge you to figure out why it is so hard for you to allow yourself to make changes. What's in it for you to keep things the same?
Do you get some kind of feeling when you are the rescuer for all these people?
Why do you need that feeling?
You are paying a huge price by continuing to do things the same way every day.
So what if they yell at you? So what if they say mean things. Let it GO.
Set yourself free. You are the only person who can.