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ME1000 we have new neighbours! they are nice and friendly BUT have pots of money and have just spent $100,000 doing thier house up!! Good for them but when she asks how i am? I feel like screaming! They are off to Italy AGAIN this summer you cant help feel a little envious!! I just smile and say yeh THINGS ARE FINE! she knows mum has dementia but she dosnt know how bad it is and what its about both her parents died from heartattacks so caring for an elderly is not something they could possibly understand! Shes invited me in a few times for coffee but i am not in the mood to go in and see her wonderful renovations and be nice through my teeth "oh how marvelllous your house looks"! They have made mums house look a bit run down now! Ive given up explaining to people how bad things are here as they just dont get it unless youve lived with this illness you cant make people understand it! My previous neighbours said oh get your mum into a NH youre too young for this crap?? not the nicest things to say? but maybe shes right! thing is people dont realise that its not quite that easy to get your parents into a NH against their will? I think people think its easy?
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I agree with you Kazza, again. There is no way that I could put my mom into a NH yet. I have lived here 6 years and needed to come and stay with mom for financial reasons, now I never expected to have to care for her, she was fine when I came, I was working. Then I had to go on disability but was thinking about working part time but that cannot happen now. I feel so trapped and I know my life is not as bad as all yours but my anger is bad right now. I have it all the time but the last three days I just want to break something and this morning I broke the yoga tape because it would not go in. I do have a DVD player. but it was on vhs. Geez I am I feel like I owe it to my mom. what is wrong with me?
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I also said that i am rambling but it did not post.
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fligirl we owe to our mums to look after them BUT not when its caring for someone 24/7 on our own with no help? taking care of my mum is getting her the best care i can and do you know WHY its not fair on HER. I do not want to be here as i cant do this anymore alone i am getting ill and i know my old mum would never have wanted this for me OR her! mums mum was ill when mum went to USA she died when mum was away but she never cared for her own mum her mum was in a NH for the last six months. Mum had to go away to work though as no work here then and now today im in same boat no work here and im not getting any younger so you do have to think of your own future too! I just pray for a miracle to happen now ive stopped worrying as its out of my hands theres nothing i can do expcept stay saine and thats getting harder to do everyweek. Just when you think things are getting more passive WOW shes painting the house late at night?? Im almost done with this!
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Sharyn congratulations, just tell your boss you are not able to leave until when you were suppose to-the arrangements are set in stone-you are too valuable an employee for them to quibble over one stinking day-you have our support-or if desperate lie -say you have a stomach bug and will vomit at work nd that will not go over very well with the customers in the store.
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I have some things tonight that are driving me crazy. This is a good thread to talk them out, I hope. Many of you know I am taking care of my mother who has dementia. My mother has been dying now for 10-15 years according to her, but she still seems to be years away from death. When I came here 5 years ago, I knew that Dad was dying. He had all the symptoms that go with the long approach to death. My mother used to resent him dying, saying she was sicker than him like there was a competition going on.

Mom has always been a lazy person. She also doesn't seem to feel love. I've always had the feeling that she didn't really love my father, she just wanted someone to take care of her. She didn't drive and wasn't educated. They had 4 kids, but there was no love shown. It was a sterile household when it comes to loving.

I've wondered how death of her family members, including my father, didn't seem to affect my mother much. She seems to use presentation of grief more for show than anything else. Something is amiss.

Tonight I was watching a video, Gone from My Sight, suggested here on Aging Care. I realized that my mother doesn't have any of the symptoms that death is nearing. She has the appetite of a horse and doesn't sleep much. All her stats are fine. She's a crazy as a bessie bug, but otherwise okay. But each day she acts like it is her last day on earth and she won't do anything. She has gotten into this thing lately that she wants me to serve her water in her chair, so she won't have to get up. I won't do that.

Have any of you wondered what if we're being played like a fiddle by a truly lazy or evil parent? The thought that someone would harm their children in this way is terrible, but I know people who love themselves alone are capable to dreadful acts. I hope I am just being paranoid or crazy myself. I hope so.
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Kazz, you do so much for your Mom and you are too young to be doing it. What is the right age? If there is one.

Well, three day weekends gotta hate em. Brings out all the dysfunction when sibs don't have enough to do. Got an email from narc sis responding to mine from a week ago asking for help with Mom so I could go look at the extent of damage to my house. She went into the poor me crap, we haven't even talked on the phone for 2.5 years, how I yell and scream at her, how I don't listen to her suggestions, how she is sad about the fire right with me, how is my friend, she only checks email from family once a week and shy don't I let her know what is going on? Just on and on and on. POOR SIS. Then she left voice mail on my phone saying she hoped I would talk to her. She was "curious" about the fire. No mention of help or anything else. AND went into the dysfunctional nonsense, and hit reply all. Bad idea. The email she was responding to I also sent to a neighbor that helped with my mom that day. Then she wrote another one, this time did not include the neighbor, but decided to copy auntie dearest who wants to be left out of this mess and has not told sis yet, evidently.

Then auntie starts in on me, stating she is appalled at all the attorneys that have become involved in this, like it is my fault. Two years ago this started as a result of my darling sisters calling in a false report to APS. So, yes I got an attorney. And that attorney was also to review a care agreement that I had been told was in the works. Well, still waiting on that one. Started talking about agreement 2.5 years ago! Sisters were too concerned about their inheritance if Mom would pay me for her care. Initially, they offered to pay me, in the very beginning, three years ago, now. At that time I told them let's just wait a few months and see where this goes. So, instead, let's all get attorneys and spend mom's money on them when this could have been settled for a few thousand dollars 2.5 years ago if brats had done what they know Mom would want. Even have evidence written by sister in the form of email and another letter she sent to who knows how many people that went into what I have done in my life that she doesn't approve of going back nearly 40 years! Unbelievable!

Well, dear sisters and auntie, regardless of what you think, and have said about me, even to my children, I am still here taking excellent care of my Mom.

This job is definitely not for the faint of heart. And this struggle with sisters prepped me for the fire. Two or three years ago the fire would have had much more of an emotional impact on me. It ain't over till the fat lady sings. Soon....
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Jessie, we are in the same crazy boat tonight!
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Veronica, Kazza, LadeeM Thank you for the congrats! believe me, if my daughter continue to have problems with the hemorrhage, I would have stayed regardless. The preeclampsia set the pathway, but because she was induced with Pitocin, they continue to give the Pitocin after delivery...and having a C-section. Her bp had dropped to 70/29 due to 2 liters of blood loss....that was what scared me. No way was I going to work on Monday if she did not improve. She has taken it all in stride, her hubby has been by her side...staying in the hospital with her since she was admitted on Wednesday. They are so bonded...he is on FMLA leave. She went home today...this is where I really wanted the time to spend with her and the babies. Preeclampsia is not a predictable condition and the dr's did not think she would make it to 37 weeks. The boys do not have to spend any time in the NICU, which is great!!
Glad~I certainly know how situations can strengthen us to get us through other difficult situations.

Kazza~I am so sorry about your auntie.Even though we have these dysfunctional relationships with family and we are distant from them.....it can still affect our emotions as it brings up things from the past that can be painful memories or even good memories of the person.

Me1000~I vote for not doing the yard. You will eventually realize that you don't have to be at your families beck and call. I don't think you are there yet and that is ok. You will get there. Hugs to you!!
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Austin~Thank you!! I went back to work today, however, all my vacations from here on out will be approved by written communication. I will not accept a verbal from them again.. I hope all is good with you and your sweetie after the eye surgery.
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And one more thing, MIL's memorial service is Wednesday, I want to go. I asked POA sis, the self-absorbed one, if she would take care of picking Mom up from day care, fixing dinner and getting Mom to bed and hang out until I got back. I explained I also have fire related stuff to take care of. Her reply? "Well, I thought I would go down there got that". All for show. This is an ex MIL and sissies haven't seen her in 15 years, I imagine. I know, they would like to show their respects, for my kids, but then we get back to the show of it all. So I have called an agency caregiver and am working on that in spite of sissies not wanting to spend Mom's money for her care. Getting Mom to bed is a true challenge especially if someone other than family helps her with it. And Wednesday is bath night, hair day Thursday, so I will try to get hair moved to Wednesday morning.
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In the past several weeks, I keep typing these long winded posts about my situation right now with regards to caregiving duties and also depression. And then I keep saving them in a text file but not posting. I guess I'm trying to figure out where I'm at with "everything" and I'd probably be wise to just let "everything" go and pick up right here and now and take a step forward... if that makes sense.

I'm sensitive to fluctuations in my body and I really think being unexpectedly dropped off hormones for 2 months has played a big part of things getting so dramatic inside my head. Thankfully, I do have a new Rx and have been taking for about 3 weeks.

I need this thread as a means of support in my life. I have precious little else that is supportive or positive right now. So here is my attempt to just take a baby step towards getting back on here regularly. I've been reading here and there, and hope I'm up to speed on everyone's biggest happenings.

Hope all Americans had a nice Labor Day weekend, and hope everyone is doing generally well! Hugs.
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And, its time for me to change my avatar pic. I will never love my father the way that I loved my grandmother, and caregiving to him is an entirely different experience... but I do love him and I know he is (mostly) thankful that I am here for him. I wish this job wasn't so hard. I wish a lot of things were different than they are right now. But I read a saying recently that said "Stop sticking your wishbone where your backbone should be." An alternative to the "big girl pants" saying, lol.
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Alison, very good to hear from you. I have missed your posts. Hang in there, so much is difficult for so many of us which is why we are so important to each other. My best friends and sisters (if i could pick them) are here, they are the people that really understand what I am going through. Take care of yourself, glad the hormones are started again it should help, plus being back and chatting with us. I hope I get to meet some of my good friends one day!
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Hi Alison! I sure miss you! I thought you were busy fighting the trustees for your home improvement coverage and bug invasions (okay, ants...) I remember you saying a while back how difficult it was for you when they did not renew your hormone prescription. I'm really glad that you finally got it. Remember, with us getting older, and caregiving and sibling problems (or inactions) can push us to over-stress and depression. I'm glad that you came back here for support.

I've tried several times to back off from here but ... I get stressed out, and I'm baaaack. For me, this is the only place where people Understand what we're going through and give such great advice. When I first started posting here, it was sooo weird to get these CyberHUGS. Now, I don't even think it's weird. Sometimes those HUGS really really really helped me a lot. Go figure! {{{{HUGS}}} from missing you.
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By the way, I like your new avatar. I will look at it again on my kindle. Kindle shows avatar pictures much clearer than my laptop.
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Glad, when your aunty was lecturing you, blaming you for wasting your mom's money for the lawyers, were you being the respectful niece to her elder? I hope one day, your aunty will push your button too far that you end up telling her the reality, to open her eyes and See. But that might be wishful thinking, too. Might even make your situation worse. You have more patience than me. Of course, I would not do that to my aunty. I was trained really well while young not to be disrespectful or disagree with your elders.

I hope you do find a way or someone who can take care of your mom while you attend the memorial service. When my mom passed away last year. All my siblings and their children were going to go to mom's funeral. No one bothered to find someone to stay home to be with bedridden dad. Like you, I knew that if I didn't find someone quick, that I would be the one staying home...even though I put half of my life taking care of mom. My siblings had to show face to all their friends, relatives and coworkers at mom's funeral. They didn't care about me - if I ended up staying home ... Because someone had to be with dad. And it wasn't going to be them.

I ended up calling my caregiver's respite program (NFCSP) to ask them if they know of any organization that I can pay to come and be with my dad on the day of mom's funeral. They found someone. That person, unfortunately that morning of mom's funeral, was called to jury duty. She quickly found a fellow caregiver to cover for her. Thank Goodness!!! So, I know how you feel about the siblings not wanting to help you - because they need to be at the memorial to show face to all. I hope really really hard that it all falls in place.
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This is the reply I received from sissie.

Thanks for making the arrangements so that I can go to the memorial service, too

After arrangements were finalized late last night. Nice enough for show. She had not even said that if I couldn't make arrangements she would take care of it! I am at a slow simmer. If I hadn't found someone I would have been the one to miss it. It is all about the show with very heavy influence from narc sis.

I am absolutely disgusted with their behavior. It is an hour away from here and with rush hour traffic, sissies may not even get there. Everything happens for a reason. Anybody want to flatten some tires for me?
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I have decided to start calling them twisted sister #1 and twisted sister #2 (ts1 and ts2) instead of POA/selfabsorbed sis and narc/counselr sis. Thanks to a comment from a friend.
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Alison~I am happy to see you posting again. Sorry for all you are going through. I thought something might be going on as you have said before that you will not post when you are depressed or overwhelmed. We are all here to support you.

Glad~ I love the twisted sister 1 & 2.

Without being completely selfish with my own issues, I am checking on FMLA leave for a couple weeks because my daughter told me she cannot exert much energy w/o her bp sky rocketing. I thought they gave her a transfusion but they didn't so she is having some problems and her hubby is doing all he can, plus he won't let her do very much...which is probably good.
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Oh glad deep breaths! My sister is home next week and once shes landed at airport im off to stay with a friend! this illness effects everyone my cat is so clingy with me as i havent been here for two nights hes such a pet rubbing against me letting me know that if the ship goes down hes coming with me!!! Funny creatures know when youre down and just letting you know they feel your pain!! I know maybe im losing it? have been very shaky last few days not eating and smoking too much mum slamming doors and following me for a row? But am holding on tight i didnt come this far to crack now! Help is on the way! yep feel like ive been abandoned on a "desert island" and now i can see a ship in the distance! If her shrink dosnt help me now then he may take me away cause if she aint mad then i am as batty as h*ll!
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Sorry glad did i see right? your sister is a counsellor?? oh thats the best yet? my sisters "shrink" thinks shes the most stable of us all????? yeh he gets 90$ an hour to tell her that! I may just go and pay to hear im "normal" just for the buzz!
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Hugs to all and sharynmarie you have got to post some photos of those babies just to cheer us up!! And boy do we need that!
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I wish I could Kazza, but my dd and sil don't want pics on the internet. It is just killing me to not post as my avatar or on facebook, LOL!!. Poor daughter is so exhausted and so is her hubs. My hubs is leaving there today....not surprised, he was no help when I had my babies, LOL!!
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Ha! sharynmarie my dad passed out when he saw the first one! he didnt attend next four? when i was being born he was outside in his car listening to the horse racing my name is "karan" narak backwards yes he named me after the racehorse came in first!! but quite a famous racehorse! also i had a police escort through the city as i was in a hurry so yes had a cop on his motorbike clearing traffic to get mum and dad to the hopital as mums waters broke while dad was pulling into the driveway SO i was nearly born in the back of a VW!!! I know i was special!! LOL
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Oh i understand totally about photos up on the internet yes i wouldnt like it either! But when my nephew was born i must have taken about 200 photos of him like a crazy aunt!! I still squeeze him to death in front of his friends just to embarass him hes now just eighteen and thinks hes a man!! But hes still my baby and always will be even though hes just hit 6" 3".
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Talk of babies is good for the soul. :-)

Not a great day but I got some things done. Pears are falling off the pear tree like crazy right now, but not as much as last year. I think the cool summer here has the fruit trees confused. No apples at all, really, for first time in 3 years. Last year the apple tree was full, as was the pear tree. I don't mind less fruit falling. These trees are 40 years old and overgrown as it is and its a daily extra job to keep up with the cleaning up of the fallen fruit or it rots/gets nibbled on the ground and is more messy to clean.

Hope everyone had a nice Wednesday.
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Hi everyone. Service was nice, but yes, TS1 and TS2 both made their appearances. Did not approach me, but better that way, I just might have hauled off and punchednone of them. That is how I feel about both now, want nothing to do with them. Oh and TS1 took one of those online tests this one to determine what she will be remembered for when she is gone. Hers compassion?! But then her comment was " itis a risk of the profession". Hmmm, an oxymoron, risk to develop compassion as a counselor.

Yes, Kazz TS1 is a counselor, licensed professional. She and I have always had issues. She was the apple of Mom's eye and TS2 was the apple of dad's eye. They stuck together tonight like I have never seen. I was the rebellious one, never tried to hide my wrongdoings though. Too freaking honest for my own good. Was very glad I got back when I did, Mom was just getting up to go to the bathroom, found her hubby in the living room with the caregiver. Started her confabulating, that he has a girlfriend. It had only been going on for about 10 mminutes. Thank goodness, much later and she would have escalated and would have been impossible to settle her down.

Progress is being made on my house. All my things are out for cleaning. Walls and insulation in the process of being removed. It has become a relief, I think ask me tomorrow. Tired now.
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Glad,

This is just absolutely too much......the fact that your narc sister informs you that she wants to go to YOUR ex-MIL's funeral! Yes, I guess we all know people like this. Quite pathetic they have to resort to someone else's funeral, no less probably someone they really never even knew that well to make themselves look good,

Well, apparently your auntie doesn't have a clue about what is really going on, either. I experience this a lot, when others in our family (people who never come see mother), don't really know the dynamics about my narc sister, either.
These relatives will certainly point out to me, if ever we bump into one another at a funeral, of all places.......how much my sister does for mom, blah di blah!
Sometimes my sister has been more in touch w/these relatives, and I do know she's painted the picture to them that I do absolutely nothing, etc. It used to bother me more, in the past, but no more. Anyway, I realize that sometimes I am aware that some people do have an issue telling an elder like an aunt or uncle a thing or two, based on "the respect," factor. But sometimes we can also find a way to let them know also, that the topic is also not up for discussion. I find nothing wrong with that. Besides, people get brainwashed that just because someone is older than we are, we are just to shut up, and listen to gratuitous opinions, about touchy subject matter. It's really none of their business.

Well I hope you find a caregiver for that day, so that you can attend the service.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Alison,

It's good to see you posting again.
Sometimes we all go through some really low moments, and withdraw
from writing about what we are feeling in our circumstances. Maybe there is just too much going on.....and we end up feeling a bit overwhelmed and I do understand that feeling. But by putting our thoughts in order, writing it down.....is a form of mental Feng Shui. You've maybe heard of the exercise of journaling, or writing about things that bother us, and then burning it up. That's a good exercise. But in any case, by sharing what you are experiencing you also can get feedback from us, by the people who support you.

I wish I had falling fruit in my garden. Right now I'm trying to figure out what I can do for the soil, it doesn't retain enough water. I know you have tons to do, but have you thought that you could make some preserves out of the fruit?
Just a thought. But I'd be making some jam, especially for the holidays.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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