
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Mom has always been a lazy person. She also doesn't seem to feel love. I've always had the feeling that she didn't really love my father, she just wanted someone to take care of her. She didn't drive and wasn't educated. They had 4 kids, but there was no love shown. It was a sterile household when it comes to loving.
I've wondered how death of her family members, including my father, didn't seem to affect my mother much. She seems to use presentation of grief more for show than anything else. Something is amiss.
Tonight I was watching a video, Gone from My Sight, suggested here on Aging Care. I realized that my mother doesn't have any of the symptoms that death is nearing. She has the appetite of a horse and doesn't sleep much. All her stats are fine. She's a crazy as a bessie bug, but otherwise okay. But each day she acts like it is her last day on earth and she won't do anything. She has gotten into this thing lately that she wants me to serve her water in her chair, so she won't have to get up. I won't do that.
Have any of you wondered what if we're being played like a fiddle by a truly lazy or evil parent? The thought that someone would harm their children in this way is terrible, but I know people who love themselves alone are capable to dreadful acts. I hope I am just being paranoid or crazy myself. I hope so.
Well, three day weekends gotta hate em. Brings out all the dysfunction when sibs don't have enough to do. Got an email from narc sis responding to mine from a week ago asking for help with Mom so I could go look at the extent of damage to my house. She went into the poor me crap, we haven't even talked on the phone for 2.5 years, how I yell and scream at her, how I don't listen to her suggestions, how she is sad about the fire right with me, how is my friend, she only checks email from family once a week and shy don't I let her know what is going on? Just on and on and on. POOR SIS. Then she left voice mail on my phone saying she hoped I would talk to her. She was "curious" about the fire. No mention of help or anything else. AND went into the dysfunctional nonsense, and hit reply all. Bad idea. The email she was responding to I also sent to a neighbor that helped with my mom that day. Then she wrote another one, this time did not include the neighbor, but decided to copy auntie dearest who wants to be left out of this mess and has not told sis yet, evidently.
Then auntie starts in on me, stating she is appalled at all the attorneys that have become involved in this, like it is my fault. Two years ago this started as a result of my darling sisters calling in a false report to APS. So, yes I got an attorney. And that attorney was also to review a care agreement that I had been told was in the works. Well, still waiting on that one. Started talking about agreement 2.5 years ago! Sisters were too concerned about their inheritance if Mom would pay me for her care. Initially, they offered to pay me, in the very beginning, three years ago, now. At that time I told them let's just wait a few months and see where this goes. So, instead, let's all get attorneys and spend mom's money on them when this could have been settled for a few thousand dollars 2.5 years ago if brats had done what they know Mom would want. Even have evidence written by sister in the form of email and another letter she sent to who knows how many people that went into what I have done in my life that she doesn't approve of going back nearly 40 years! Unbelievable!
Well, dear sisters and auntie, regardless of what you think, and have said about me, even to my children, I am still here taking excellent care of my Mom.
This job is definitely not for the faint of heart. And this struggle with sisters prepped me for the fire. Two or three years ago the fire would have had much more of an emotional impact on me. It ain't over till the fat lady sings. Soon....
Glad~I certainly know how situations can strengthen us to get us through other difficult situations.
Kazza~I am so sorry about your auntie.Even though we have these dysfunctional relationships with family and we are distant from them.....it can still affect our emotions as it brings up things from the past that can be painful memories or even good memories of the person.
Me1000~I vote for not doing the yard. You will eventually realize that you don't have to be at your families beck and call. I don't think you are there yet and that is ok. You will get there. Hugs to you!!
I'm sensitive to fluctuations in my body and I really think being unexpectedly dropped off hormones for 2 months has played a big part of things getting so dramatic inside my head. Thankfully, I do have a new Rx and have been taking for about 3 weeks.
I need this thread as a means of support in my life. I have precious little else that is supportive or positive right now. So here is my attempt to just take a baby step towards getting back on here regularly. I've been reading here and there, and hope I'm up to speed on everyone's biggest happenings.
Hope all Americans had a nice Labor Day weekend, and hope everyone is doing generally well! Hugs.
I've tried several times to back off from here but ... I get stressed out, and I'm baaaack. For me, this is the only place where people Understand what we're going through and give such great advice. When I first started posting here, it was sooo weird to get these CyberHUGS. Now, I don't even think it's weird. Sometimes those HUGS really really really helped me a lot. Go figure! {{{{HUGS}}} from missing you.
I hope you do find a way or someone who can take care of your mom while you attend the memorial service. When my mom passed away last year. All my siblings and their children were going to go to mom's funeral. No one bothered to find someone to stay home to be with bedridden dad. Like you, I knew that if I didn't find someone quick, that I would be the one staying home...even though I put half of my life taking care of mom. My siblings had to show face to all their friends, relatives and coworkers at mom's funeral. They didn't care about me - if I ended up staying home ... Because someone had to be with dad. And it wasn't going to be them.
I ended up calling my caregiver's respite program (NFCSP) to ask them if they know of any organization that I can pay to come and be with my dad on the day of mom's funeral. They found someone. That person, unfortunately that morning of mom's funeral, was called to jury duty. She quickly found a fellow caregiver to cover for her. Thank Goodness!!! So, I know how you feel about the siblings not wanting to help you - because they need to be at the memorial to show face to all. I hope really really hard that it all falls in place.
Thanks for making the arrangements so that I can go to the memorial service, too
After arrangements were finalized late last night. Nice enough for show. She had not even said that if I couldn't make arrangements she would take care of it! I am at a slow simmer. If I hadn't found someone I would have been the one to miss it. It is all about the show with very heavy influence from narc sis.
I am absolutely disgusted with their behavior. It is an hour away from here and with rush hour traffic, sissies may not even get there. Everything happens for a reason. Anybody want to flatten some tires for me?
Glad~ I love the twisted sister 1 & 2.
Without being completely selfish with my own issues, I am checking on FMLA leave for a couple weeks because my daughter told me she cannot exert much energy w/o her bp sky rocketing. I thought they gave her a transfusion but they didn't so she is having some problems and her hubby is doing all he can, plus he won't let her do very much...which is probably good.
Not a great day but I got some things done. Pears are falling off the pear tree like crazy right now, but not as much as last year. I think the cool summer here has the fruit trees confused. No apples at all, really, for first time in 3 years. Last year the apple tree was full, as was the pear tree. I don't mind less fruit falling. These trees are 40 years old and overgrown as it is and its a daily extra job to keep up with the cleaning up of the fallen fruit or it rots/gets nibbled on the ground and is more messy to clean.
Hope everyone had a nice Wednesday.
Yes, Kazz TS1 is a counselor, licensed professional. She and I have always had issues. She was the apple of Mom's eye and TS2 was the apple of dad's eye. They stuck together tonight like I have never seen. I was the rebellious one, never tried to hide my wrongdoings though. Too freaking honest for my own good. Was very glad I got back when I did, Mom was just getting up to go to the bathroom, found her hubby in the living room with the caregiver. Started her confabulating, that he has a girlfriend. It had only been going on for about 10 mminutes. Thank goodness, much later and she would have escalated and would have been impossible to settle her down.
Progress is being made on my house. All my things are out for cleaning. Walls and insulation in the process of being removed. It has become a relief, I think ask me tomorrow. Tired now.
This is just absolutely too much......the fact that your narc sister informs you that she wants to go to YOUR ex-MIL's funeral! Yes, I guess we all know people like this. Quite pathetic they have to resort to someone else's funeral, no less probably someone they really never even knew that well to make themselves look good,
Well, apparently your auntie doesn't have a clue about what is really going on, either. I experience this a lot, when others in our family (people who never come see mother), don't really know the dynamics about my narc sister, either.
These relatives will certainly point out to me, if ever we bump into one another at a funeral, of all places.......how much my sister does for mom, blah di blah!
Sometimes my sister has been more in touch w/these relatives, and I do know she's painted the picture to them that I do absolutely nothing, etc. It used to bother me more, in the past, but no more. Anyway, I realize that sometimes I am aware that some people do have an issue telling an elder like an aunt or uncle a thing or two, based on "the respect," factor. But sometimes we can also find a way to let them know also, that the topic is also not up for discussion. I find nothing wrong with that. Besides, people get brainwashed that just because someone is older than we are, we are just to shut up, and listen to gratuitous opinions, about touchy subject matter. It's really none of their business.
Well I hope you find a caregiver for that day, so that you can attend the service.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
It's good to see you posting again.
Sometimes we all go through some really low moments, and withdraw
from writing about what we are feeling in our circumstances. Maybe there is just too much going on.....and we end up feeling a bit overwhelmed and I do understand that feeling. But by putting our thoughts in order, writing it down.....is a form of mental Feng Shui. You've maybe heard of the exercise of journaling, or writing about things that bother us, and then burning it up. That's a good exercise. But in any case, by sharing what you are experiencing you also can get feedback from us, by the people who support you.
I wish I had falling fruit in my garden. Right now I'm trying to figure out what I can do for the soil, it doesn't retain enough water. I know you have tons to do, but have you thought that you could make some preserves out of the fruit?
Just a thought. But I'd be making some jam, especially for the holidays.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux