The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad,

This is absolutely beyond terrible, your sister has the gall to email you, "to thank you etc.," but you notice how it's always about them!
My sister behaves the very same way. I'd recently written about her latest over usage of her cell phone when we've gone to dinner, (which is very seldom), and it's always to show us pics of her grandkids. Of course, she uses this to draw attention to herself. I mean I do know how to differentiate between being proud of being a grandmother, and she pulling out her cell phone in inappropriate circumstances, of which she seems to be doing a lot of these days. Well, after that dinner I tried to politely mention this to her. But of course.....she manages to play dumb. Just the other day she's telling me she apparently got reprimanded at work, for what? Taking personal calls, while on the clock. Even as she was telling me this, she complained and tried to throw the blame on one of mom's caregivers, who she claims is always texting, or calling her at work. Oh my!
I had a silent chuckle at this. So I thought, "well maybe given the reprimand has been given by your boss, MAYBE, just maybe you'll pay heed to this.
Unbelievable, though that even in that circ., she was so willing to blame the CG.
HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, my SIL does that. She'll whip out her phone and ask if I want to see pictures of their trips. I say no... and if they had slides, I wouldn't want to see those, either. She acts offended, then picks out a few and shows me, anyway. People used to understand we didn't want to look at their slides. They have a harder time understanding we don't want to look at their iphone, either.

Missing you all tonight internet down so on my smart phone. I though t typing on my tAblet was hard. Smat phone had issues today AS well wouldnt ring calls straight to voice mail. Can t even see what im .typing stupid ad for a enior housiny in the way enough of this

Glad~I am happy the service went well. It was a bonus for you not to have to make small talk with your sisters. I do many things for my mom, because I chose to; I do it for MOM and to spend time with her. Sis (even before mom was placed), will thank me. I know she means well, but I didn't do it to help sis. I know what you mean about the ads being right in the way....I have that problem on my kindle when I enlarge the print enough to read it, LOL!!

Alison~I can agree that the extra work of keeping up on the falling fruit is another chore when you have others more important. Maybe if your relationship with neighbors is close enough, you could invite them to come over and take how much they want, whenever they want.

Kazza~Yes, men from older generations are just not that into the baby or family thing. I don't know what is worse, the older men or the younger generation like my dd and sil who after 8 years of being together and 4 years of marriage, are so strongly bonded they can't tear themselves away from each other even when family is visiting, LOL!!! Somehow, I think that may change somewhat now that they are a family of 4.

I am not planning to go on fmla now. This is the same problem I had when I was in Idaho prior to the birth of boys, my dd and sil wouldn't let me help out much and they eat out too much; I was not able to cook much. Many times I felt i was just in the way....now don't get me wrong here, I understood my daughter was carrying 2, she had high bp issues. I never made demands on her time, however, when her hubs left for work at 3:30pm, I was expecting some mom/daughter time. Instead...all she did was email her hubs from her cell and back and forth it went night after night. I think I have made myself too available to my daughter and she takes it for granted.

When I went to work on Wednesday, I was called upstairs to the manager's office. I was informed that I have been transferred to the Tracy, Ca store where I originally began. Apparently 2 ladies in the baker/deli are having conflicts with each other so they decided to transfer both to different stores. I was originally hired on the same day as one of these ladies. It does not matter to me that they are transferring me again ( I have the least seniority) plus, I won't have to deal with "A"'s mood swings. Doesn't guarantee that another won't take her place at this store (everyone I worked with 6 years ago has been transferred elsewhere).

Cmag,Joan, Book, Iwentanon, ME1000, Austin, CM, Veroncia, Christine, and Margeaux ....A big hello and hope all is good with everyone of you.

Lololol! Glad, hope you get your Internet service back soon. That smart phone isn't going to cut it.

Margeaux, I did try to write out much of my thoughts and what I was feeling and thinking about. But I didn't want to post it because I know this thread is full of caring and sympathetic people, but I was venting about things that are deeply troubling me right now and there are no answers. This jives with what I see other people write about on this site. Not to trivialize war at all, but I have managed to get into my own personal Vietnam War. I didn't think that so many things could go wrong. And that I would be stuck trying to figure out a way to fix someone else's life at the expense of any life of my own. So... I was naive, and unaware. Well, fine, but what do I do now? I could go forward with trying to get my father moved to Indy, but that means I have to set up all new medical services for him there, all new social services, and make sure he knows how to handle the basics of his life. That would take a week or two of staying with him in new location. Then, I would need to come back to south Chicago, and somehow manage to pack up an entire household of items, many which are heirlooms, by myself. I just don't see myself capable, at this time, of leaving myself broke and broken, just to do all of the massive work it would take to do what needs doing. I've really had to rethink that entire plan. I don't think its a good one.

So, I'm in limbo. Again. I think I'm going to focus more on trying to put some sort of independent life together for myself again. I'll stay in Chicago for now, get back to work, get an apartment, and arrange the help my dad needs - or - stay here in far south suburbs, rent free, and commute. Either way, I have to start putting my life back together. And its funny because if I try to talk about these issues with other family, they say I'm being self-centered, that's its all about me. Well, its been all about a father that never had anything to do with me for several years now... I do feel entitled to take back my life. And my father, bless him, supports that. He's seen my tears, he's heard my frustration, and our relationship as 2 adults is pretty ok these days. He seems to understand I have to go find friends and employment and all that.

So, anyway, that is some of what's been non-stop rolling around in my brain past month. Hope everyone is well. Hugs.

I feel at times recently maybe Im making things horrible due to so so much resentment towards situation with taking care of my mom and its been 14 yrs.we always had issues towards each other but for me my anger level is horrible I cannot stop screaming and so ,much stress with non and she is 100 percent bed ridden and husband diagnosed with cancer in past nov had surgerys no treatment afterwards and now getting ready to go have scans done possibly cancer and me IM NOT FUNCTIONAL in a good way living with all this and anger keep building my heart feels weighs so much and all pain I really cannot deal with nothing

Sharyn, this is good, this transfer back to original store, right? That's great, good to have something go in a positive way that you weren't expecting. Its like a little gift from Life to go along with your 2 new grandsons. I'm happy for you. :-)

Alison~Yes!!! I had a gut feeling from the beginning I would not be at this current store long, IDK why, but it has been there all along. Life is such that change is a constant, there is always a positive!!

Welcome Sandy22!! We have all felt the same way so you are not alone. When you are ready to share more details if you would like suggestions, we are here, however, if you just need to vent....we are here to listen too.

I also welcome you Sandy-this group of ladies are great -you will find you indeed are not alone.

Glad hope youre ok! I am having a break for awhile on here as mum collapsed and is in hospital. I posted on "is it normal shes so negative".

Im done im drained and im full of dread that she will be back here tomorrow abusing me. Even abused me in the AnE in front of people and nurses. I am very weak and need to sleep. Shes ok collapsed because she wont eat OR take her meds properly? have told family this cannot go on as the next time will be tragic.
I now have to get hold of her shrink and doc its so unfair when i should be resting i want them to take over now as i cant take anymore stress. Diabetes and Dementia is so dangerous mum will be safer in a NH. OMG sneaking off to town on her own i was upstairs hoovering when i came down she was GONE? i just cant take anymore.
Hugs to all caregiving sucks!

Kaazaa,

I'm sorry to hear about your mom collapsing and ending up in the hospital.
Well from most of your posts lately, it sounds as if you really need to get in touch with social workers. Is your mom on any medication for her Dementia?
In any case......try to rest, and take care of yourself. If you are feeling the stress at this level, and have your own health issues, maybe it is time to seek out some outside help for your mother. You are in my thoughts.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Jessebelle,

Yes, I feel that people make their cell phones, the pictures on them, etc.
a focal point of social interactions, instead of talking to one another, like some of us once did before emails, cellphones and the like. What I also find amusing is the fact that usually, I can't really see pictures on a cellphone very well.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Great news about the Tracy store! Wow, after all the trial and tribulations you had to go through the last months. I'm so super happy for you!!!!!

Why are people behaving this way, with respect to what you wrote about your daughter, and SIL, w/the texting? O.K., now I do understand......that this time given your daughter was unfortunately having high BP, and the preemclampsia, being pregnant with her first twins must have been scary, to say the least, for them.

I also realize, that you living so far away, that you wanted to also use this time for mom/daughter time too, and you may have ended up feeling a bit looked over? This doesn't feel good, either....truly aware of that. You know when I go visit mother, and what I'll describe happened just last week. My sis's eldest daughter, her husband & their two babies recently moved back into mom's home.
They're having major repairs done to their rental (sis rents to them) her house.
Long story short, the job is bigger than they anticipated, and she's due any moment now w/the third baby.

So last week, I went there Friday. Here I was trying to show up when my sister was at work, but they gave her a four day holiday, so there she was. Her youngest daughter the big mouth is still there also, so they have a full house.
As I walked in.......youngest daughter says to my sister, "I didn't know Aunt Margeaux was coming," sis replied, "Oh she didn't tell me she was coming over."
Gee, I wasn't aware that I had to notify them of my visit. That didn't feel good at all. This is why I call that niece a big mouth.

When my sister and the youngest daughter are around the pregnant daughter.....they behave very cliquey and clannish. So I was trying to have a little connection w/my great nephew who is very adorable, and wants to interact with me. But do you think I had a chance? NO! Big mouth niece, who has become his nanny, is constantly hovering over the kid. I was trying to say something to him, and big mouth just had to keep explaining this, that or the other about what my great nephew was saying, or about to say, it was so ridiculous. I couldn't have any conversation w/my pregnant niece whatsoever, either w/big mouth's constant interruptions, and then there was my sister.

This is how it has always been between my sister and me concerning her two daughters. She has always been so possessive w/them, and continues to be.
Big mouth is following in her footsteps also. This is one of the main reasons I have never been close to them, and the pregnant one is my god daughter.
Anyway, so visits to see mom have just become more convoluted.

I can just imagine what it felt like for you along these lines. Yes, there is that feeling of not being included, alienated, etc. But for you being the mother and grandmother it must have been even more difficult. Sorry you had to experience that. I know how you feel

On a good note......I'll bet Ethan & Logan are adorable!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Kazza~ Hugs to you!. I am sorry your mom collapsed but is ok for now. You do need rest and hopefully you can get help. I am assuming you have POA and can make that happen.

Margeaux~Ethan and Logan are so precious (of course they are, I am the grandma, LOL!!). Next visit I will tell her "I didn't come all this way to complete with your cell phone." I didn't say anything to her this time because of her condition with the preeclampsia, but I will next time if she continues this behavior. I would take off to browse/just drive around for 2-3 hours by myself but when I came back to her house she would say, "I feel so bad I am not up to going out with you." I am assuming it was pregnancy hormones and preeclampsia for this trip anyway!!

The best news of the day, Internet is back up! HOORAY

Sandy, Welcome

Sharyn, Wonderful, back to old store, much closer for you right?

Kazz, remember, I don't know how it works in Ireland, but here we can refuse to take them home saying their care is more than we can deal with. Hospital staff will then HAVE to place them. Enjoy YOUR tonight!

Kazzaa -it sounds lie you need to think about placement for her-a lawyer told my son that caregivers die before their charges 60 % of the time-that was a wake up call for me.

I'm new here, found this site when I googled "dad wants temp set at 86, daughter needs a cool 74! I'm also from a dysfunctional family that I'm getting counceling for! Reading this forum makes me feel less alone as I've taken over his care 24/7 last year. Working out marital issues after a separation and likely moving him back home with me across the state. Hope it works out!

Welcome Geogirl. We are all somewhat wacky here, no offense anybody. We all deal with dysfunctional families, some more so than others. Tell us more about your Dad. Age, dementia or not....

Welcome Geogirl!! You are definitely not alone here. As gladimhere said, we are all a little wacky. We laugh, vent, share and cry together. I hope you come back to share some more. Hugs!

Hi gladimhere and sharynmarie! My dad is 87, has had several strokes- the most recent last July. I went to see him at hospital and never left. He was remarried and about 15 yrs ago my stepmother got Alzheimer's. She ended up in a nursing home, where my dad visited nearly daily all those years. He never complained. After his last stroke last July, I stayed w him so he could remain in his home as long as possible. I was dealing w a cheating husband and working as a professional caregiver, so it was a welcome change to move in w him. I have a brother who wants dad to move to Az. w him. He's not excited at the idea. Dad wants to stay with me for the remainder of his life, he is very attached to my taking care of him. But after a year of agonizing and counceling, I feel I want to give my Marriage one last chance. Nearly 30 yr marriage, three kids and 3 grandkids, whom I rarely get to see now. After reading some of the posts here I've started getting a bit anxious of all of us under one roof, though DH is very supportive of it! I had quit my job to be here, which I love, but after a year I find some resentment creeping in. There are step-siblings who I never got along with, and who falsely accused me of several things I won't get into now. They disrespected my dad in his decisions which I confronted them about. Then they said they were all withdrawing their support from us, which they have. Part of difficulty was he wanted me as his POA (which my brother and I equally share) and Healthcare PO. There jealousy set in, and due to some unfortunate circumstances, my brother and I changed the door locks which required them calling before coming over (which is a moot point since they washed their hands of us!) I have a caregiver from church who has helped me in a pinch, but he complains about spending the money for her. So here I am- I do go to the gym several days a week and church, but have little else. He hates to leave his house, but once he does he has fun. Just tired of trying to find something he would enjoy. Thanks so much for your support! Done w my rant!

Geo, to care for those we love, we first need to care for ourselves. Resentment is a common theme here. In my case my resentment is focused on siblings that do not help and they live closeby. Our relationships have to come first and if you want to give your husband another chance that is what you should do. But having been there, the marriage should be the only reason. It should not be because it will make it easier to see your children and grands; I understand the desire to see your children and families more. Me and mine used to be in the same city, three children and spouses and four grandchildren. I loved seeing them often and would help with babysitting often. They are 3, 5, 6 and 7 and all such darling children. I would love to see them more than I do, and often remind myself that there are not many grandparents that have the ability to visit often. My own grandparents were over 1,000 miles away and I saw them a couple times a year growing up. Now it seems as if I am very detached from my kids families. There is one advantage though is that my Mom gets to see her great grands more with me here in her home of more than 50 years; she sees my greatgrands more often than she sees my three nephews that are all in town (maybe twice a year, if lucky). They range in age from 19 to 25, they have their jobs, girlfriends school that keep them busy but could visit their grandma even once every couple of months. The only point I am trying to make is that even being closer, it may not provide an increase in grandma time. You need to do what feels right for you and that is certainly a long term marriage that deserves careful consideration for the right reasons.

Again, welcome!

Sandy,

Welcome to the thread. These are some very, very challenging circumstances you are in. Do come back and share whatever is on your mind, of course if you want to.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

kazzaa- Your welcome and Im here for ya! Im sorry about your TIAS and hope you can start relaxing and feeling better.Congrats on your new neighbors! Aww I know, what they said to you about putting your mom in a NH, they meant well. And if you did at least you know you would have their support! You will know when you cant handle it. Hugs..Sorry about your mom collapsing, I pray she can get into a NH home now.

fligirl58- Hugs and its not easy. We should always care for our family, but also care for ourselves. Each of us can handle the situations differently, say two people have the exact situation, each person will handle it differently. Aww We have lots of VHS tapes and cant find a new VCR!! Pawn shops haha not even there so far!!

JessieBelle- Im sorry, its hard to say why she is doing what shes doing. If she can get up and get water, I would say let her get it when shes ready. It could be her Dementia doing this? Either way hang in there, we are here for you! Hugs

gladimhere- You have enough to handle then handle your family treating you this way! You are really strong and made me smile reading your words. I agree, your doing great with your mom and your life. I hope you have some good news coming your way! I hope you get that agency to help! You should go no matter what. Good luck with your moms hair! Oh, and on your sis being a counselor, its amazing how many people are like that and their counselors! It amazes me! Im glad it was a nice service.

sharynmarie- Im glad the babies were able to go home! I hope you can stay longer with your daughter, family emergencies they should be understanding. I wish you luck and hope your daughters BP gets back to normal and stays that way! (I know, theres no way Im doing the mowing! ) Good luck at the new store, hopefully everything works out.

AlisonBoBalison- I agree, this thread has been wonderful for me too. I hope your health improves and I am here as well if you want to talk. I hope your doing better today, and will be keeping you in my thoughts. (Thats a good saying :) I also am back on fourth what to do, but we do need to care for ourselves and have a life. We can still help our loved ones in many different ways. I know, its a struggle. I say this then change my mind for my own situation!

bookluvr- Im glad you also found someone to help you. Sorry for your loss as well.

sandy22- Hi and welcome. YOur not alone and I wanted to give you my support. You do need to have some outside help, you have a lot to handle. Have you looked up caregivers? I wish you the best and your in my thoughts. Hugs

195Austin- That is a scary thought!

Geogirl- Welcome! I do hope everything works out for you, but make sure you have a backup plan for some rest! Your also going through a lot, and I wish you the best in your marriage and with your dad. Make sure you keep doing things for you as well. Hopefully you get to see your kids and grandkids more! Hugs your in my thoughts

Margeaux- Im sorry your niece did that to you. Family sometimes just amazes me in bad and good ways. I hope one day soon you can have a wonderful visit and get plenty of time with the little ones! Hugs

***If I left anyone out Im sorry! Im trying to catch up! Hugs everyone!

I got to go out today when the companion was here. I went to get groceries, prescriptions and stuff at Walmart. My friend took me and it was soooooo nice to get out even to do the necessities. I get home and the companion tells me that mom said she had a bladder infection. I fell apart, starting crying outside and my friend told me to stop it right now. So I did. I just felt like its the first time I get out and them have to come home to another problem. I cannot do anything about it until Monday so I am going to just get over it. I did order a new yoga DVD, just waiting for it to come.

Geogirl Welcome,
Your Dad is 87 and has had several strokes which sad to say means he is likely to have more and although he does not have dementia no could develope vascular dementia in the furture. As a professional caregiver I am sure you have seen the difficulties of dealing with these patients. There will be no days off and not going home at the end of your shift. You obviously love your dad and he loves you and feels very safe in your care. Think very carefully before you refuse your brother's offer to have dad live with him. Not too many brother's make such offers. Would he be able to provide good care? If he is married would this put a great burden on his wife. This has been a good way to get relief from the difficulties of your marriage does your husband really share your wish to get back together or is he just "between" girlfriends so as to speak. Was this a one and only cheating episode or have there been many other incidences some of which were so brief you did not even recognise? Are you able to talk to your children about this. As abults they may have a much more balenced view of your situation. Are you seeing a properly qualified therapist or a church councillor. I am not underestimationg the church people but they often have little training and only one view of marital discord. Been there done that! Has your relationship with your father always been good or did you have an abusive childhood. Is your mother still alive and do you have a good relationship with her? Could you talk to her. I feel as though your are kind of planning to make a cake and are in the process of collecting all the ingredients but this is your life and future. how well do your Dad and hubby get on? each is going to be jealous of the time you spend with the other and Dad is going to need a lot of care going forward. If this final attempt at making your marriage work is to be sucessful your attention is going to have to be pretty much 100% on hubby. Dad's care is going to become totally exhausting as time goes on which means you will just want to collapse at the end of the day not spend a nice evening in front of the fire. Only you know all the charactors involved and we have only just met you but my feeling is you should not rush into anything one way or the other. Don't let any financial security color your decisions. You need to be a strong independent woman not either dependent on dad or scared hubby will go off the rails again.
Hope I have not sounded too intrusive or a busy body but so many people on here get themselves into situations they just can't manage both out of loveguilt and obligation. Blessings.

Fligirl, have you considered that if Mom had a bladder infection by the time you got home that she definitely had it before you went out. Just a thought. Keep going out whenever you get the chance.

Ok, I realize this has nothing to do with care giving...but I am seeing some changes in my hubs that are sending up red flags.

About 4 months ago, I notice that he was spending more time on his laptop instead of watching tv in the livingroom. This is a man who prefers tv to any other form of communication in the 37 years we have been married. I asked him about it, he said is he is watch nexflicks on his laptop...so why there instead of the tv in lr? While in Idaho, my daughter told me on the Wednesday she was admitted to the hospital that she saw on fb where he had friended a woman so she checked out her profile. All her pics were pron. My daughter reported it and she was shut down on fb. Hubs said he didnt know and she referred by someone he knew...a relative or co-worker. DD accepted his innocent explanation,..I let it all go. Howeve tonight I walked in the back bedroom to ask a him a question and he quickly clicked of the page he was on (I think he was typing something), I asked him why he closed the page, he said something about his about in in GA. I said that is no reason to change the page...I looked at him and smiled very big and walked out...now he has stuff on there where I can hear talking from either a movie or something. Something is going on with him!!

sorry, his aunt in GA

surfacing again - hi to the newbies sandy and geo. Care giving is one of the hardest jobs. You have had good feedback. Breath deep, look after you and don't take on too much.

kazzaa - sorry about your mum collapsing - you knew it would happen. I hope she gets the proper treatment and your life starts to be a little bit easier now.

glad - why are we always surprised when the twisted sisters act as they do? Hope you are settling down from your house disaster. It doesn't seem to end does it?

margeaux - always about them - always!!!

Alison - good to see you posting again. Hope you get a plan in place that is workable.

me - hope your sis is not making things worse. As far as mowing is concerned you can always say "No" - not argue - just say "No" and smile and walk away.

fligirl - I can identify - one more thing seems too much sometimes. Definitely keep going out.

Austin - give them heck!!!

Sharyn - the boys arrived safely! That is wonderful. I am sorry that you did not have the mother daughter time you hoped for. Relationships are so complicated. Sorry too about what you just posted about your dh. Does sound like something is going on. Been there done that! (not with G). No more.

Christine, sandwich, loo, countrymouse everyone - how are things ?

Here things with mother are quiet as far as I know no phone calls anyway. The SW will be back from holidays next wee so that may change. I have bought the last things I intend to for mother, and will get 3 of the pants shortened. G, bless him, said he will drop them off next time he is in E'ton. I don't know if she will wear the blouses, but it was the best I could find that was washable and coordinated with what she has. They are setting her up with some special shoes as her feet have been bothering her.We are just about finished with the insurance co thankfully and I have started moving things back down stairs. NOTHING will go back down there that is not useful in the foreseeable future. It will be donated or trashed.

G brought back some green tomatoes and some pretty ripe cucumbers from one of the farms. We had fried green tomatoes and also fried cucumbers. I remember mother making them years ago. I have made tomato, onion and cucumber salad, cucumber and melon salad, thin sliced cucumbers in vinegar. Any other ideas?

I actually had a couple of good days this week so am over the hump with this infection, but still taking a low dose of meds. The dizziness morphed into headaches which are disappearing. Now to build up a little energy. G has a business meeting in the east in a couple of weeks and wants me to come. It would be a nice break.

Oh cm - that trick about cleaning the fireplace doors with ashes worked!!! Who would have guessed it? Thanks a bunch!

Look after yourselves everyone. You count too - at least a much as everyone else.