The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Emjo, good to see you back. Hope you are feeling much better.

Yes thanks, glad, I am. So hard to tell what is chronic fatigue and what is the infection, really need the same approach anyway - lots of rest and slowly increase activity. Hope to get some walks in before the cold hits. It snowed in southern AB a few days ago!!! I did get one good walk on the trail last weekend, but not since.

Snow?! Goodness, Emjo, I'm glad you've already managed to get the wood burners in order then - and glad the tip worked for you. I'd be even happier if it hadn't come from someone I'd rather disapprove of wholeheartedly! You've reminded me I need to get ours sorted out, and the chimneys swept. We're having what passes for an Indian summer, but the fact is that nothing looks more miserable or less welcoming than a stove that isn't good to go.

24 hours from h*ll - mother had another full-length fall yesterday, and her third blue light ambulance trip to ER. Three strikes and out? I have no way of keeping her safe here at home, unless the OTs will provide me with some means of preventing her from getting out of her armchair unassisted. Normally our local hospital is surprisingly efficient, but yesterday was an exception. There for hours, and hours, and hours until they x-rayed her shoulder and sent us home. Too tired and depressed to argue or keep on top of things as I would normally try to, and God only knows what crises the staff were having - they were calling in GPs from nearby practices to come and help with triage - but the upshot was they didn't take bloods, they didn't even check her urine (I suspect they were mainly extremely anxious not to have to admit her, and she appeared to be a Little Old Lady in No Apparent Distress - mad as a hatter, but not clearly ill); so I'll have to trot her down to the GP as soon as I can this week for a once-over. A very sweet male nurse brought us a cup of tea and got mother a tuna sandwich. It was lovely of him, above and beyond, but as it turned out possibly not ideal. Mother celebrated our return home with copious bowel movements - hope nobody's having breakfast - and the day was rounded off at half past three this morning with an emergency bath. She's very sore all over, especially her shoulder, but hip and back too - you can all imagine what fun it was. While she soaked (I resisted the temptation to pour a bottle of disinfectant into the water. Just) I got busy scrubbing her bedroom carpet. Oh the glamour of our Saturday nights!

Keep telling myself I'll feel more positive when I'm not so tired, but the point about her safety (never mind my sanity) is just true. I can't keep her safe. I know falls can happen in dementia care units and nursing homes too, but… But what? But it wouldn't be my fault? Is that a good enough reason to make her leave her own home?

Question for the ages, eh. Sorry to be self-centred, not great this morning. Hope to catch up with everyone later. Emjo, glad you're feeling gradually better, happy pickling!

CM, whether they have falls at home or in a facility I think there would be guilt either way. If in a facility and there was a fall some may tend to think the fall wouldn't have happened if Mom had been at home. Such is the life many of us having in caring for our aging family members. We are DA!!Ed if we do or not. We will always find something to feel guilty about. All we can do is the best we can and stop blaming ourselves for incidents that happen. Accidents will happen anywhere and there is little a caregiver can do to prevent them from happening. There does come a point when they will be safer in a facility and that is different for everybody.

fligirl58- I completely get it! You want/need a full 24hrs without problems, me too! I hope you get one soon, hugs. ( Veronica91 is right)

sharynmarie- Im so sorry, definitely keep your eyes open and be careful. I hope its nothing and wish you the best. Im here for you and I do understand what your going through. Lets just say I dated and was married to not such angels.

emjo23- Glad your back and feeling better! Clutter gets overwhelming doesnt it? Well, I know about the mowing but.. well.. Ill get to that in my rant for the morning..

Countrymouse- Im sorry about your mom and glad shes ok overall. I hear ya, they will fall at both the NH and at home, but at least there they have everything they need. I wish you and your mom lots of well wishes!

gladimhere- So true!!!!!!!!!!

"If she (me) doesnt get the flu shot again changes will be made about the house" Grandpa said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FLU shot was NEVER brought up this year let alone this month, and instead of asking me, hey are you gonna get your FLU shot, he threatens me with the house?" What? First of all I got the FLU shot last year which made me sick , WALGREENS should have a copy of that correct? Anyways I never said I want getting it, I have NO money to get it!!! Theres a difference! Well LA Dee Da grandpa hasnt gotten his FLU shot yet either this year and on top of that I always get it after my kids get theirs. What a concept.. ( his friends friend died no flu shot ..says I cant run a house if I dont get one yada yada that why the whole thing)

Now he says I better fix my attitude that Im getting everything I want( because I asked him what do you mean changes?) I did not yell! I asked as a regular conversation. I dont like to be asked if Im doing something and be threatened in the same sentence. Being threatened over a FLU shot are you kidding me!!!! He says I take things wrong etc.. Some other issues came up yesterday and we got into it a little because I told him Im going to need more help I cant be here 24/hrs a day, I would love to and he BLEW!!! He got so mad and told me if I feel that way after everything hes done I can get out! I told him Im there to help but not 24/7 I cant and he BLEW again yelling" I didnt say I need you here all the time, food company whats so hard about that?

But its not just food and company, its helping showering, nails, cleaning, errands, Drs, mobility issues, pills,and yes, basically compony or babysitting whichever anyone sees it and so on! He says I took it the wrong way again!!! Im so sick and tired of being treated like a pile of poop. I mean, yes, financially he does do everything he can for us and Im forever and beyond in is debt and thankful. I dont mind helping him, I love being there ( when we arent fighting) But it just has to be limited. I am not allowed to say NO ( incl the mower no choice if I want to keep my home) to anything he wants or when it can be done or its heck. Yes, hes always been this way but worse now. Even If I work and paying bills Im still obligated!!!!Oh he wants me to work like YESTERDAY because hes scared I cant pay bills if he dies but yet gets mad when Im gone!!! So what is it!!!

Its only 10:34am... a LONG day to go.. Well I know grandpa is ill and scared of his health, I know hes bored and I know he has a lot on his mind. So I just took the blames this morning apologized, fixed him some coffee and went back home to help my son and clean. Lunch is soon, so I must be leaving again....

***********to continue its now 2:38pm and I went to check on grandpa( after the physical fight my kids got into spilling drinks on the floor screams louder than a subway can handle it with the echo )Grandpa was asleep early so I left home. I come home to the continued issues of daughter yelling about doing her homework my dad upset and he was calling me at grandpas to tell me he was leaving! OMG now grandpa is gonna be awake and I will have to go back now instead of 6;30pm...

Every hour it all continues.. its a nonstop cycle of problems.

Again tonight grandpa will say I slept well .. as If I didnt hear him up at 1:30am and walking down the hall at 2:49am this morning!!! I told him I didnt hear him I was asleep because he gets mad saying theres no reason for me to be a wake! Really? A man with mobility issues and theres no reason to be awake when hes awake? I kept him in eye view and quietly followed him to the living room and when he sat I went back to bed.. although all I can do is lay there listening if he needed me. Oh well

Someone replied to my post yesterday about maybe mom was faking the bladder infection because I got to go out with a friend. This friend was first my moms friend and then she just became a family member after a few years and has been like that forever. Anyway I checked her this am and she went the bathroom without any pain or trouble. Last night she did not go to the bathroom from the time I got home until she went to bed. Now I am just wondering if she just made that up because I did go out and she said she wanted to go. Mom cannot go out anymore as it is too hard for her to walk. Not to mention she used to spend money like crazy and I am very in tune with all the money so we have enough to pay bills. But I am glad that she does not have an infection but I am kinda unhappy about maybe she just made that up. Cra Cra Crazy

I no longer get feeds from this thread, and wonder if I offended anyone or, as I am prone to, wrote way too much. My 82 year-old husband is having breakdown, my 93-year-old Dad rock solid lobotomized (WWII Battle Creek VA lobotomy I am having trouble getting records for and I am a former government Archivist) -- Dad is decent, "jolly", and no longer remembers BPD Mom except "I kinda think she was proud of this house." I lurk and just respect PamStegman so much for her 3-line depths. Please tell me if I blew myself off this thread, and tell me why, and please allow me to acknoweldge my mental illness insults and let me back on. My husband woke up this a.m. and said, after sleeping only 2 hours -- "I have been a bastard all my life." He is the sweetest but least "tolerant" guy you could hope for. His greatest frustration is people who do "White Dogging" -- which is families who sit around commenting on "The Dog" or Sunday "How Did you Get Here" or "Yadda Yadda" without saying a word of inner life to anyobe. Our older life has evaporated. We used to hike 2000 feet up into the Sierra. Now he cannot walk five minutes. It ain't bad, we are among the lucky. But he is a clinical psychologist who cannot abide. His self-realized dementia makes his observation more acute and with alacrity than ever. He is like Micheal the Archangel, with no tolerance for untruths. Sifting through the past 80-some days, death of Robin Williams and Joan Rivers, Middle East and Ukraine and Africa suffering -- we the BPD'd -- doesn't this ring to you that damaged people should have a huge voice yet are quite ashamed we are complaining? I am ashamed. But we shouldn't kill another's sensitivities? My parents suffered as 2nd generation, then Depression, then WWII, then we BB's got benefit of good times (for which we are hated by youngers). Ever wonder why hippies happened? My theory is that after WWII, veteran projections made us take on guilts untold and we thought we released it to Love. Our parents believed in education, yet our education made us enemies with our Victorian parents. Our children think we are stupid, because they are victims of economic psychopaths preying upon Love. For BPDs, we've known this game all along. Our grandkids threaten suicide, our siblings did kill themselves. I stood there with my mouth gaping while my BPD Mom said "You are a peculiar little person," while also saying, "We wanted better for you," two days before she went down in bile and failures. Smoking hard like 40s heroine till the end (I was so exhausted I utterly forgot the Oxygen should be turned off).

Do any of you have WWII or Depression Era parents, who went crazy providing for you? Or mentally ill siblings. Please tell me exactly how you got peace from your guilts. I don't mean the euphamisms, but the point where you got where you decided "them or me."

Gladimhere and Veronica! I cannot thank you enuff for what you wrote and your perspective on things. It almost seems like a tap on the shoulder from God! Some feedback: my mom passed away in 2007. She had moved to Phoenix to be around my brother, his wife and two girls after leaving her second (and physically abusive) husband. My brother helped her in some ways, but her bipolar illness made it challenging. She had her own apartment and was on welfare/disability and wanted to be independant. Unfortunately she died suddenly in her apartment alone. My brother and his family have a busy life and didn't see her all the time which I hoped they would. But being older now I understand their needing alone time. My bro. doesn't have room in their town home for anyone else to move in. He also wants me to move there w my dad- he hates my husband for the abuse over the years and doesn't think he will change. My dad would have to be in an independant living facility. He really appreciates me helping him and I am having a hard time with this decision. As far as my marriage, my DH had a 2.5 year affair w my best friend. His phone butt dialed me when they were together. He admitted to two one-time flings, one w a flt. attendant and another on a layover in South America. He's a commercial pilot. Before that he was an AF pilot. So I spent more time w our girls than with him. He said he has told me about all the flings he has had, but I'm not sure.
I have been seeing two counselors- one a professional and another who trains other counselors; her husband is the director of a Seminary's counceling center. Very well educated and very professional. I understand there are ppl in churches who councel, but I only see those who have training to the nth degree.
I've had well meaning friends who give opinions, but I take it for what it is.
I must be honest, I'm not sure of my true motive for giving the marriage a final hoorah. I am anxious about finances and I do want to see my grands and girls, tho' two of my three grandsons moved down south a year ago. ( I don't remember what all I've told you so forgive repetitiveness!)
My 24 yr old daughter is living in our house w her 3 yr old son and is now separated from her philandering husband. After they got out of the Army, they moved in w us til he got a job. He has PTSD and refuses help. I do want to be there for my daughter during this. One other thing-- my youngest daughter, who is in college, is dating the boy whose mother was cheating w my husband. That's how they met (from the kids dating).
My youngest is very much against my getting back w DH. The middle feels somewhat the same, except that the stability my coming back would provide is something she'd want. I'm in so much turmoil! I want to keep our family together as it is a thing to treasure. But I'm still unable to trust him and do not like the fact he drives a motorcycle for hours when he is home and stops at a bar daily for beer. I'm pretty sure alcohol has got a hold of him.
In my background, there was no abuse at all. My dad is sweet and meek, my mom was lively and wonderful. My friends thought it was the Leave it to Beaver family! So did I.
My dad and husband get along tho my dad secretly loathes him for cheating! Yes, I'm sure they will be jealous of sharing me, and I'll be waiting on them both now! I don't know how all this will turn out, and trying to step back into a troubled marriage w my dad in tow-don't know how that's gonna work.
Sounds like you gals know from whence you speak! I'm glad you're there as a support!
Geogirl

Geo, you need to have a Plan B. What if you go, with Dad in tow (that will make it more difficult) and it doesn't work? Kick hubby out? Move again with Dad? Think this through very carefully. Throw your ideas out there.

50'schild~If you are not getting the dys thread on your newsfeed, it is because you unsubscribed to at some point in time whether accidentally or on purpose is not important, but now that you have posted here again, it will be on your newsfeed.

Learning to adjust to the changes in our culture and society becomes more difficult as we age. Every generation wants to blame the earlier generation as to why this or that is not happening. The reality is that we are responsible for ourselves.

1 bipolar sister & the other 2 are just MIA.

You know what truly gets me? I'm not sure if anyone else has ever experienced this or is going through this… But… When my dad was still alive (and healthy) and before my mom was diagnosed with cancer, still running around like a feisty little Italian mama ---- all my sisters were over their house every single weekend. We all were. It was the thing - Sunday dinners, hang out on the patio and have coffee and laugh.

Now?

They're completely gone. Except one. And that's the crazy sister. When the other two come around, it's probably AT MOST, 2 times a year and they all live within 15 minutes from mom.

I don't get it. Are they scared to see mom aging? Are they scared to see someone sick? I just can't wrap my mind around it.

fligirl58- I hope everything works out for the both of you :)

50sChild- Double check your settings from here says to receive mail at your regualr email address. Then make sure your not getting anything in your Spam box, I get some from here in there. Never worry about writing, have you seen my posts? Im here for you :) I wish you luck getting your dads records and hopefully you get some times for you. I have family with mental illness so no, its never easy. Some days are harder then others and getting through them is just a miracle.

Geogirl- Hugs

TheBoogs- Im sorry your going through this. I guess we never know how our future is going to tun out. Good luck

5am this morning grandpa and I fight because I cant figure out math off the top of my head... I been up with him mostly last night( slept in living room on couch too cuz I can hear him when he calls for me from the bedroom- Hes got another living area too) He says I slept like a baby! Really just because I dont say something for all the hours hes hitting his talking clock to check the time? I barely was able to make coffee and do dishes and I have to go back down again to fix breakfast because he wouldnt eat that early hour and yet I couldnt go back down because for once I had to stay home and clean and look for a job when done. He also said " heres another long lonely dark day Ill be all by myself" I cant sit there all day and all night. I told him hire companions and he blew once again

My kids refuse to go to school again, daughter si a little sick but after so many years going in sick all sudden shes staying home? Nope, she hates her school and I asked her over and over if she was happy and she lied to my face. Son again wished I was dead and said he'd kill me. Just wait until until he finds out my kids refuse private school he will also not give us the house for that reason....At least my Aunt will get MORE MONEY and ANOTHER house she will be happy again

Dad is cancelling is heart surgeon consult appt today because he cant take this hell he lives in and wants to die sooner.....

Everything is all my fault and I cant take it anymore

Its never going to get better..

Who was I kidding?

Boogs, I know exactly what you are talking about. I have recently started calling my siblings TS1 and TS2, (twisted sister) at the suggestion of a friend and neighbor. Both live within 10 minutes of here, same story as you, TS1 (is a narcissistic paranoid counselor) rarely sees Mom and TS2 (Mom's POAs, also narcissistic and extremely self absorbed) will take Mom to church on Sunday while I am the 24/7/365 caregiver to my Mom with Alzheimer's and her husband with general age related decline.You are NOT alone the people here are my best friends, the onesmi can count on when I need to vent, or just remember that I do have someone to talk to 24/7/365, though sometimes I have to be patient while waiting for a reply.

Welcome Boogs!

Boogs, funny you should mention that - the why have they vanished question? I was standing by the phone this morning internally going "teeheehee" because my sister had just asked me that. Do our brothers actually give a sh*t about whether our mother is alive or dead? And I'm thinking "oh you've just started to wonder that, have you?" Actually the answer is, yes they do care, they just don't know what to do about it. So they do nothing. Then they feel bad. So they avoid thinking about it. So they don't know what to do. So they do nothing...

Here is how it goes. Mother has a fall + trip to ER on Saturday. We get home 10 pm. I settle her in, sit down and email my sibs, out of courtesy, for their information. This is what happens. This format is what ALWAYS happens:

Sister calls 9am Sunday. I know she isn't trying to work out how it was my fault that mother fell, and I am trying to shake off that paranoid feeling, but I haven't got there completely. We're both working hard to improve our respective attitudes.
SIL calls on Brother 1's behalf 8pm Sunday and advises me to be more relaxed.
Brother 2 has apparently left the planet.

The thing is, if you try to find a definitive answer to the question "what is their problem?" you will go bonkers. Give up. God only knows what's going on in their tiny heads. All we can do is find specific things they can do to help, ask them nicely, and not worry about it if they say no - just make alternative arrangements.

Me1000, who is helping you? Call people and ask for help. Call your Dad's doctor and talk through what your Dad is saying to you. Call APS and outline your grandfather's needs - YOU need help with meeting them. Call the school counsellor and chat through what's going on with your daughter. The point is that you cannot, you physically cannot, be responsible for every person in your family. You are in distress and you need to send up flares. Good luck, big hug xxx

Sorry I wasted all your time

Im beyond distresed but i sent flares years ago and never got the help... im done now

ME, you need help. Talking with us while helpful, reassuring, etc, you are the one that has to take action. CALL APS today to talk about the situation.

Geogirl,

I am so sorry about the fact that you are dealing with problems in your marriage, on top of dealing also with your father. What I hear you saying about your dad, is that he tells you, "how attractive it sounds, you taking care of him." Given that you have already been doing this for a year now, and are realizing the work involved.

When mom, who is now 92, was diagnosed with ALZ, was living independently w/her older sister, known as the battle ax, and was the reason I came to this thread over 2.5 years ago. The battle ax died almost that long ago,
can't believe it! Anyway, when things started to decline w/both elderly women....and my siblings and me realized they could no longer live alone, my sister......being the POA, the mico-manager type, moved in w/them.
At that time.....I'll never forget we were having lunch w/a cousin one day.
My sister made a rather imperative statement to me, about how we would all have to take shifts......coming over to mom's house to take care of mom and her sister. I immediately told her, that although I could help out here and there,
(I live to far), I wasn't able, nor willing to do that. I wasn't willing to do this especially to help care for our aunt, since I knew what a difficult person she was,
a complete narcissist. Mother was too controlled by her sister, too. So I just didn't feel like getting on that ride. As it turns out another addendum to this arrangement was the fact that my sister moved in w/two grown daughter's, and the eldest's boyfriend. (now married to him) They never payed rent. So I figured the least they could do.....is help w/the caregiving. In any case, as time passed hired caregiver's came into the picture.

Of course as time passed, my sister had some horrible fights w/the battle ax, living in same household, on top of all the caregiving. When I had to hear about things as both mom and battle ax's health became worse, I always remembered that day we had lunch, hearing my sister trying to enlist me on some kind of schedule to come care for the elders. Of course this didn't include our two brothers.

My point to you is that it isn't so simple. So do try to separate your issues, as
they both and individually are going to require tons of attention, and I know I don't have to tell you this. I also think this a great idea that your brother is concerned, something that doesn't exist in our family.

Always remember, that you should never feel guilty, just because your father is basically sending the message to you, that he'd like for you to be his caregiver. Not everyone can, for a variety of reasons, and best one give it some serious thought, before we've become so entrenched in the situation.

Your in my thoughts, Geogirl.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Countrymouse,

What a day you had! Not self centered at all.
Yes, we can be as careful as we can about the falls, but they can still happen.
Well, I hope your mom is feeling better, not to mention you in all of this.
Sorry about the ride home event.

You will feel better when you are rested.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Me1000,

You don't get to get off so easy.
We have all listened and commented about your situation.
I realize that people come here and vent. But some people will start to take action, the necessary steps to make their situation more manageable. I'm not saying this in a mean spirited manner, either. But your posts point to the same issue.......and that is that you need to call in the experts, now. Can you get in touch with any elder care agencies, social workers, so that they can assess your GRANDFATHER'S care? Nothing is going to change for YOU, unless you do something of the sort!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi everyone mums still in hospital and i havnt had a chance to see doc yet? she was moved on sat from AnE to MAU med assess unit so thankgod for that all those emergencies were very depressing! she was dehydrated and her bloods were too low BP was slightly high but not too bad? so i guess its all down to the same old same old shes not taking her meds right and not eating properly so yes this will continue to happen until its fatal.
I am trying to relax and yes a bit less stressed just knowing shes safe but dread her coming home and her mood swings again although i intend to talk to her doc before she is discharged.
I am putting her name down this week for the NH it could take six months or longer as its a very popular NH. Sis will mention it to her this wkend HA! LOL! like mums going to listen!! Good luck to her!

Meanwhile you never really get a break as ive loads of phonecalls to make......her shrink,her doc is away, health nurse is on holidays but things are moving.

Im sure you all understand this i can do anything here clean, cook ,be abused, clean mum BUT i cannot handle PAPERWORK!! I just freeze my heads not with it i DETEST paperwork its like enough to drive you over the edge! I suppose its all the stress but making phonecalls which is needed then filling out forms is all too much right now!
Yes i will just sleep tomorrow is another day? But i wish i had a private secretary please dont give me forms and phone calls to do its like im reading blah blah blah i just cant cope with these WHY so much paperwork??????? if i can just push a button and its all done that would be great!!

Hope you are all well and CM so sorry to hear your mum fell i guess this will be the next thing to start happening with mum soon!
Me1000 i have to agree with Margeaux things will only change if you change them! Hugs as its hard i know!
Emjo good youre better i am not eating well BUT after a few nights in AnE i swear to look after myself i do not want to start down the candida route again so yes taking my probiotics and trying to eat VEG?
Good news how sad am i? a new store is opening up here tomorrow Yipee! Gosh i need a life! but its not far and he is said to grow his own veg so im hoping its nice and fresh food instead of having to go into town every wk! can take mum for a walk down there when she gets out!
I must be getting old when im excited about a new food store opening!!!!!

Just a question here as someone may know? mum is being given an ANTI-CLOT injections into her stomach? is this routine OR could they have found something on the CT scan? In her bloods?
Could she have had a mini stroke OR they are anticipating one? i have never seen them give this before? could they have found a small blockage in her leg or elsewhere? I know once i see her doc we will be told but that could be days yet? Just curious as to why this injection she is on aspirin?

Kazz, was it heparin they injected? I haven't seen it injected into the belly area either. Her it is commonly administered through an IV to prevent blood clots when people are pretty much bed bound. In my mom's case injection into the stomach would be best for her. She has a history of taking out IV's and GI tubes because she just does not understand the purpose. So, maybe there is a concern with your mum that she may do the same. Is she an uncooperative patient?

Many reasons for a Heparin shot. Given with transfusions. Given to bed bound patients with a history of phlebitis. Given for heart attacks and strokes. You will have to ask why.

Me1000, I heart hurts for you. I am sadly still in the situation where I cannot offer advice yet. But I will say a prayer for you.

All's quiet on the western front here - for now. If it's not my mom, it's my teenage ADHD/Asperger son. When they both give me heck at the same time, I like to hide under the covers. My son has his head so far up his colon he can see out his mouth right now. I got him study guides for the advanced placement tests he will take, and he didn't think he'd use them since everybody takes tests their own way. Life is going to be full of hard lessons for this one.

I talked to mom's new social worker last week, and she has been compliant with PT, getting up in the morning, dressing, taking meds. I had to ask if we were talking about the same Ruth. I didn't believe it. Thank you Jesus for Risperdal and heavy doses of Prozac. If she can max out her stint in the rehab classification, that's more days of housing Medicare pays for vs. her bank account.

Working on getting her property back home sold to raise cash for her care. We cleaned out the house last year, but the two outbuildings are still full of stuff. If I lived there, I might be more interested in keeping some of it, but I'm 1800 miles away and have no desire to call movers again, or use up 6 days of vacation over it (3 days down, 3 days back) plus however many days in the middle. I'm not 25 anymore and can't do it in 2 days like we used to.

I have a coworker next to me who is a chatter box, but hard of hearing and doesn't know it. She talks to me all day long, and can't hear my answers, so she comes into my cube to repeat everything, and talks rather loudly. There is no such thing as a quiet conversation with her. It's exhausting. I have to put my headphones on and act like I'm on the phone.

Yesterday was absolutely perfect weather-wise. We get these days in the spring & late summer, and they are just not to be missed. Low humidity, warm air, slight breeze. You can open the windows and air out the bedding in the sunshine. It's great.

I got a lot of cupboard cleaning done at home. How is it I can throw out one paper grocery bag of flattened food boxes and a large white trash bag of stale snacks/cereal, and the cabinet is STILL COMPLETELY FULL? At least I got my counter top cleaned off....for now. I had two white trashbags stuffed to the gills from the bathroom closet. I am now able to store towels in the linen closet, and line all the miscellaneous sunscreen, first aid, soap, & such up like an organized person! Marvelous! I made myself throw out old bottles of shampoo with that last 5 uses in it that nobody is going to use and expired cold medicines. Part of my brain was screaming "Waste! Waste! You're going to burn in h*ll for wasting it!" and the other part of my brain was screaming "Let it go! You need the space more! Nobody is going to use it because it smells funny!"

They are saying the polar vortex is going to bring snow *months* earlier than normal. Oh goody...not. Our last shipment of snow only melted 4 months ago.

Kazzaa it's because she's in hospital and therefore comparatively static - it's becoming pretty much routine to give thrombolytics to anybody with the remotest risk of getting a DVT. Ex OS had to inject himself daily for quite some time after his op., can't remember exactly how long. Rest your mind, it is routine and it won't mean they've discovered something sinister. It won't be clopidogrel but it's probably a close relative, I can't remember the name. And they'll be watching her clotting times anyway - honestly, don't worry, but if still in doubt ask. And keep asking further and further up the food chain until you get a sensible answer! Big hug.

Me1000, others have said you must enlist experts, and you must. It is sad, but it appears only you can help yourself. Your despair is going to kill you, it will bring about serious illness. Your despair is deep anger at others re-directed at yourself. Do you need help finding phone numbers? Most counties have mental health services that can help or make a referral to another source that can help. Where do you live (county, state)?