The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharynmarie: My Mom had shingles once and eliminated it in about 2 weeks with a natural supplement called Lysine. She also was juicing and using a lot of garlic. She was in her 80s then. Find fast, inexpensive, and healthier ways to cope: see this link, for example:

ttp://healthwyze.org/index.php/component/content/article/370-how-to-eliminate-shingles-quickly-and-naturally-using-alternative-holistic-methods.html

Ah, another great day: I am treating myself to yoga classes at a new place and I LOVE it! So relaxing that afterwards I was utterly blissful. I felt some apprehension because I was to spend the rest of the day with Mom taking her shopping at Savers. she wanted something there that I thought would not fit in my care, and I gave her some static about it which she then reacted to with her usual junk. Turns out it did fit in the car and I went back in to buy a beautiful bedspread/quilt. We were both very pleased. I invited her over for dinner, which she loved, and then brought her home with her new table and chair for her art corner in her new apartment. We both had a nice day. I realized I might be able to relax more and more with her knowing she is happy and is finding new people to entertain her and to ask favors of. She's living in a senior complex and just met a handsome old guy who is married but his wife has Alz and is in a nursing home.

Now that I am making enough money and have more time freed up I am getting my teeth cared for better, and saw my MD, Naturopath, bought some supplements for getting my hormones back in balance. 61 and welcoming my present. Whew!
What a difference a year makes! Just getting Mom into a different living situation changed my life, health and economic situation.
I am aware that at 93 things will still change for Mom, but for now I can catch up with my life after being on edge and miserable for three years (which felt like 10).
At dinner Mom and I talked about all the things that we were grateful for.
Progress and peace. Wishing you all the best.

Book,

Thank you. I got a few more pictures, and she is very cute, oh I know all babies are.
How great that you can do this with your nieces/nephews, and then return them to their parents, too! HAAH! I hope one day I can do something like this. The only thing is though, that right now since it's my sister's first grandkids, and the daughter is relatively knew to being a mother, they are being somewhat on the possessive side, too. These babies are too little also, there's all that going on.
Maybe when they are older.

How are you doing, and how is your father?

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Juddabuddhaboo,

I'm so happy for you that your mom has been placed in a senior home that sounds very good for the both of you. Proof that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.
Have a great time adjusting to the new life you have now, really happy, happy for you!

This is great advice, about how your mom got rid of Shingles also.
Yes, there are lots of holistic therapies, for otherwise what the medical community would otherwise love to issue pharmaceuticals to people. Sure, sometimes it could take a bit longer, and require for people to do things such as abstinence, or detox, but if people commit themselves to this, it many times can be very beneficial in the long run, too.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Judd~Thanks for the info. I am not convince this is Shingles because it only broke out on Wednesday...2 small areas with bumpy appearance and burning. Then my arm started to hurt about 6 hours later especially from the elbow to wrist which is the area where the 2 areas are located. The blister looking bumps are healed over today..no oozing for fluid. My elbow is a little sore still but other than that nothing, even after working and using my arm all day. If it is Shingles, it is a very very mild outbreak.

I am already taking vitamin B complex with vitamin C and Calcium w/magnesium/zinc. The Calcium I am going change to something with Vitamin
D in it.

My mother used to get bad fever blisters on her chin, big ones that covered her whole chin...this was back in the 80's. She started taking L-Lysine for it and it worked as long as she took it daily. By the late 90's she quit taking and was fine without it. Then about 6-8 months ago she broke out with a big one on her chin again. Urging from the memory care, I took her to the dr almost a week after the outbreak and doc said it was Shingles. Too late for meds...same dr I go to. I was under a lot of stress while in Idaho especially when my daughter hemorrhaged losing 2 liters of blood and her bp dropped to 70/29. I guess I will continue taking the antiviral just to follow through on it now that I started. I see no point in taking the prednisone.

I have a friend who is really having a hard time.
She comes from a super dysfunctional family. She is the eldest, was the Cinderella, scapegoat in the family. She took care of her siblings, with little to no thank you from her mother. All her mom ever did was berate her, physically and psychologically abuse her. So she distanced herself from the mom, a long time ago. She lives quite far from the mother.

So her mom appointed my friends brother, the next sibling younger than her, to be her POA. A lot of info is rather murky, since my friend has been estranged from the rest of her siblings.

So now the mom is in her 80's, lives far from all of her kids. She's diabetic.
Very recently, my friend has been in touch with this woman by phone, but minimally. Well her mom, has been sent to the ER in the last few mos., about 5 times, maybe more for constipation. About a month ago, my friend went to her mom's w/some herbs in tow, gave them to her, and they worked, the lady was relieved. But my friend has heard that her mom, still made 2 more visits to the ER, after that visit, so obviously things are becoming very serious w/her mom's health.

All her mom wants to do is eat in restaurants, doesn't cook whatsoever for herself anymore. She doesn't drive anymore, but has an 86 yr. old boyfriend who lives around the block from her. He's the one who's been taking her almost on a daily basis to eat out somewhere. He of course, has his own health problems, and his daughter lives with him. His daughter is in touch w/my gf, and tells her what's been happening w/her mom, since the mom hides lots of info. from my gf, (her daughter). The boyfriend still drives, and he's been the one seeing to it that my gf's mom gets to her docs appointments, etc. The POA son doesn't do anything for his mom. He only shows up here and there, also lives very far from the mom,
but pretty much there's lots of neglect.

Anyway, my friend called me tonight, quite upset. Even though she and her mom don't have the best relationship, she's becoming increasingly concerned about what's been developing there. Add to this, the boyfriend's daughter told my friend, that her dad was about to call my friend's bro, the POA, and have a talk w/him about how he couldn't be the one caring for their mom, since he's too old now, his driving is getting very iffy, and his own health.

I'd told my friend awhile back about how I'd read posts here concerning, calling Department of Social Services, to report that there is neglect of an elder going on.
She fears that possibly her mother could get in such a weakened condition, since she keeps getting constipated. There's really no one there, such as a caregiver, other than her boyfriend. But he can't do much.

So my question is, if anyone knows, what service/office should my friend contact?
I was thinking my friend could explain the situation, and that her brother legally being in charge.....isn't doing anything, so there is some serious neglect gong on here.

I just want to help her out, because she's really stressing out about this.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

If you are not absolutely sure it is Shingles, do you think that it could be irritation from the hot oil. Do you wear gloves when you are cleaning the fryer? Maybe some oil even in micro splotches hit the skin, and caused some irritation.
Also, have you considered it could even be caused by the cleaner, soap whatever is used to clean it? Some of these chemicals used to clean kitchen equipment is very, very harsh. Just a thought.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn, shingles comes out in 'bands' of rash - if you Google it (dear old Google!) you'll be able to find images of what these look like. The point being that the rash follows a particular nerve highway, such as across the abdomen, over one eye, or down from the armpit. The pain is like a nasty bruise, or even a deep abscess, followed (as you said) by the rash. Once you've had it, you know it - I don't think you can really mistake anything else for it. You're very wise to finish your course of treatment, which could well have suppressed what would have been a nastier attack. And then take care of yourself! Don't forget that the virus stays put forever (we've most of us got it) then takes advantage when you're at a really low ebb. But fingers crossed it sounds as if you're out of the woods - well done you.

Emjo stop subsidising your mother AT ONCE! I'm horrified. Promise me you'll at least collate all receipts and, in the fullness of time, write yourself a cheque.

Sharyn, Margeaux has a very good thought mentioning irritation from the rubber gloves used on cleaning the fryer. When is the last time those gloves were replaced? I have a sensitivity to rubber gloves or the lining in them or something. I have to be very careful to replace rubber gloves frequently. Did you know that the least bit of dampness in the gloves could cause mold to develop?

When I am exposed to the whatever it is I develop a prickley type rash on my hands. I should have thought about this earlier, but I do not use gloves often around here. Cleanup is usually minimal.

Glad,

That situation with your grand daughter must have been quite alarming, but it was very good to hear, nothing happened.

Yes, as we try to unravel what is going on with Sharynmarie.......interesting how each of us brings up something knew. When I mentioned the gloves, I was referring more to them in the way of not wearing any, thereby possibly being splashed w/the oil, or some kind of cleaner used to degrease the equipment. So in that case....the irritation maybe having been caused by that. So you bring up a very good point about gloves, replacement etc.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sorry everyone: My first cup of Java, not awake.

"each of us brings up something new." DUHHH!

Margeaux

I think the mystery is solved.....today I noticed the bigger of the 2 areas is crusty looking like a fever blister..so I am sticking with the diagnoses of Shingles and continuing the Veltrex but not the prednisone as I don't have pain that warrants it's use.

Margeaux~I can only imagine how cute your grand niece is..a real beauty I am sure. Too bad we can't share pics on here that are secured.

I am wondering, if anyone has info regarding this....is it possible that Shingles shows up along nerve pathways that are weakened from other conditions. I ask this because my mother got Shingles on her chin...an area that she had repeated outbreaks of fever blisters and I seem to have got Shingles on my right arm...which I have pinched nerve and issues with tendonitis?

Sharyn your mother's chin would surprise me (ask a dermatologist) but your arm sounds about right. I'd get your mother checked out anyway, because although it could be, for example, some other kind of herpes infection it could also be all kinds of other things. Has a steroid ointment been tried on it? I know we try to avoid them (I agree!) but short-term they can be very effective. Don't do anything without consulting her medics, of course (I know you wouldn't anyway).

Margeaux - about your gf that is worried about her mom's current state... because the gf lives far away from the mother, I don't know of any other way to instigate a general welfare check by a social worker unless the gf reports suspicion of negligence or lack of proper care to her mother's state's Dept of Aging. And gf would want to be very specific about why there is cause for concern. I'm not sure, but wondering if multiple hospital visits would count as neglect... because the idea is - the mom IS getting medical care. Mom may be declining, but there isn't neglect necessarily, unless I'm missing something? Ideally, gf would take a trip to visit in person and get a gauge on the situation. When she's there with mom, she can find out the local Elder Abuse office and go in and put them on alert about her mother and they can assign a social worker to do some follow up welfare checks.

Those are my thoughts. Hugs.

Alison,

Thank you so much for commenting on the situation about my friend.
Well there is way more to this story, of course. The POA son lives very far away, and hardly checks in on the mother. My gf has an alcoholic sister who has moved in with the mother twice in the last 1.5 year, and stolen money from her own mom.

The mother is a real piece of work too....since she puts pressure on this 86 yr. old boyfriend of hers to take her places, even aside of just doctor's appointments.
A few years back, the boyfriend used to take her out on long rides. He used to take her to places such as Laughlin where seniors like to go to the casinos. But in the last year......the boyfriend's daughter moved in w/him partly because his daughter lost her home, and was having some of her own health problems. Well when she moved in w/her father, his own daughter came into the reality of how much on the aging path her own father is currently in now. His daughter is doing way better now in terms of her own health, and is cooking and trying to watch out for her stubborn dad. He's had some serious health concerns of his own, I believe one had to do w/prostate, then he'd recently had some kind of skin cancer. Of course, her dad wants to act like the macho man, still insists on driving, (which I suspect can't be for too long). But meanwhile my gf's mom,
has him wrapped around her finger, but both my gf, and his daughter are in agreement that her mom's beau is past his time to be the one watching out for this lady.

My gf even told me that the weekend right after her mother had landed in the ER, for constipation one time, the day after she was released, my gf found out that her mom convinced the boyfriend to take her to some cherry festival out in the desert near to where they live. Now this lady doesn't like to drink water, it's a combination of two stubborn elders losing independence, but there are also plenty of signs that my gf's mom doesn't seem to be making sound decisions for herself, anymore. The story of the mom allowing the alcoholic sister into her house, boy does that ever have a drama filled story w/it also. This sister came in and apparently stayed there, (but when she's there she never helps) only there because she's a hair away from being homeless, that type of thing. Then she apparently stole money from her mom, or jewelry. The mom I guess threw her out. But you see, at the bottom of this......is their brother who doesn't care at all, the POA. So there's definitely some elder abuse going on here big time.

So you can imagine, because of all of this kind of dysfunction, and then the mother even when my gf, went their recently and gave her mom the herbs which helped the woman, gf didn't leave w/o her mother being rude, and having some old narcissistic behaviors surface. When this happens, it's always goes back to my friend having been a terrible daughter to her mom. The truth is the exact opposite, so my friend after driving there over 100 miles to do this for the mom left and has only had a little phone contact with her. It's a very difficult situation,
no doubt.

Thank you very much, though.....I'll be in touch w/her later
and I'll let you know what develops.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thank you for this topic. Desperately need it. If it was just caring for mom it would be easier. But coming back at 60 (now 63) I have come back to the dysfunction I left at 17 rs. old. Although I live in a separate apartment in the same family home it is still very difficult. I did not realize the extent of the dysfunction until I came back to care for her.My brother, 59 yrs. old never left home. He has an addiction problem. Mom enables, caters and defends him. There is another sibling but he made sure he stayed far away (lives in Spain). I do see a psychotherapist once per week. Learning to set strong boundaries while still caring for mom. Both mom and brother create problems. Trying to detach with love. All responsibility is on me. Learning to delegate where I can. I'm taking care of mom's meds, doctor appts, finances, home repair, groceries, my business, my personal life, my medical concerns (being evaluated for rheumatoid arthritis). Mom has always taken me for granted because I have been "the responsible one". She was never there for me (when my verbally abusive dad was abusing me, when my critical brother criticized me she defended him, when my drug addicted brother manipulated to get what he wanted she defended him against me). I am hurt and disappointed in my mother. I am trying to come to terms with all this while still caring for her. That is why I am reaching out now. Thank you.

Here is a book I just found. Haven't read it yet. I just ordered it.

Taking Care of Parents Who Didn't Take Care of You: Making Peace with Aging Parents by Eleanor Cade

Caring for aging parents is difficult--it's exhausting, expensive, time-consuming, and under appreciated. And that's under the best of circumstances, when the caregiver loves and respects his or her aging parent. What happens when adult children are asked to care for elderly parents who were abusive, neglectful, or absent?
Here is a compassionate and practical guide to facing the psychological and emotional issues that arise when caring for aging parents. Eleanor Cade offers sound advice as well as personal accounts from individuals who have made the choice to care for difficult parents. The result is a powerful guide to moving beyond feelings of anger, regret, and grief in order to build healthy new family dynamics based on decency and mercy.

Target audience
For individuals who are caring for aging, dysfunctional parents, as well as counselors and therapists who work with families

Features

an authoritative resource for baby boomers caring for aging parents
defines differences between "normal" and "dysfunctional" families
personal stories validate the experiences and feelings of readers

welcome jen - looks like you fit in here pretty well with dysfunctional parent(s) and sibs) . It does make caregiving that much harder. The old patterns and feelings surface, the lack of appreciation the blaming etc. Boundaries are essential as is support. Detaching really helps though it isn't easy, and counselling/therapy, to me, is essential somewhere along the way. The book looks interesting. Not sure how healthy family dynamics can get with unhealthy family members, but we, individually, surely can get healthier.

Margeaux -I was thinking of Adult Protective services, but an evaluation by social services may be better. Sometimes it has to get worse before an intervention.

cm - you sound angry - not at me. I have explained my plan and will continue with it. It is what works best for me.

The SW called again today and mother needs a winter coat - NOW!!! SW did explain to mother that her things are in storage and very difficult to get at. Mother thanked her for the explanation and said "Then it is not just Joan being difficult". Oh dear. I know that she and my sister have discussed at length over the years how difficult I am. Not that they ever are!!! Gary, bless him, said he could get a coat out of storage, but I don't want to start, as mother will then want this, and that, and the next thing out of storage, and it won't end. I suggested that they take her shopping to buy a warm jacket or shorter coat as she has 2 long ones. I have absolutely no idea what kind of winter jacket/coat she would wear so I would never buy one for her. She went to the hospital in February and I would have thought that whatever she wore then would do. She wants to return some of what she bought on Friday anyway, no surprise, so she can buy a coat then.

According to SW, mother says she has called me several times, but I have not answered. I have not received any calls from the hospital from mother have answered all I have received. SW thinks she has misdialed which is possible. The nursing station called my cell the other day, looking for my sisters phone number and I missed it. They left no message but called my daughter who relayed the message to me. I should give them my land line number. I am much more likely to get that.

Got my TSH test this morning, will get hair cut and colour later this afternoon, made out my packing list, going to mail off some of mothers clothing on the way. Yesterday, my oldest grandson and I did a little outside clean up for winter, and also inside cleaning and moving some things to the basement, then I took him out for supper. He will check the house while we are away, clean the frig, water the plants and take in the mail. The day before I finally washed down my cupboard fronts in the kitchen. It was less work that I thought it would be, thankfully. Laundry is caught up except for some things which need to be put away. So nice to have some energy again.

Have a good day everyone and do something good for you.

Hi everyone!

Mum is out of hospital since last thursday i didnt pick her up as i had apt so brother went so i dont know anything as im sure brother just picked her up and dropped her home then sister arrived from paris so ive been away this wkend staying with a friend went out on saturday for a meal as it was my birthday yikes 49yrs old now!!

anyway while i was in with mum last wk she said "i told the docs that you keep telling me i have dementia????" NEVER have i ever said dementia to her? i really dont know where this is coming from but will find out? did the doc or nurses say this to her OR did my stupid brother say this? anyway im back home now since yesterday and sister gone back so nothing has changed mums home said she collapsed from stress and of course its my fault?? sister spoke to a diabetic nurse who is now calling 3x times a wk to check her bloods and told her that mum had a bad hypo? i dont know when this nurse is calling again but i will be having words with her.

I am so sick of mum now and her lies and blaming me for everything also brother and sister seem to be talking with mum and keeping things from me?

I just had sister on phone and she said mum was FINE all wkend? sis says she seems motivated to look after herself now???????? am so done with this crap mum will be back to her normal ways soon shes just weak and not eating much but as usual that will change. I am so mad with sister as she didnt want to talk much about mum so here we are again everything dumped on me again!

I will now try and see mums shrink as i am not staying here to be abused and have lies told about me.

my sister just spoke to mum on the phone and as usual i listen at the door! mum said "i will call you on wednesday night as SHES not here??" my blood is boiling! so mum calls her when im out? my sister is being very two faced and obviously talking about me behind my back to mum so i need to have this out with her?

am so fed up now and just want mums docs involved here right now i hate her and the lies she telling everyone i couldnt careless what mum says its others believing her that piss me off!

I can see myself walking away from this and family no matter what happens i get no support and things just go back to nothing being resolved?

I will do this alone and get in touch with mums shrink whether she does something or not at least i have told her my concerns.

Right now i feel like walking out the door mum saying how good my sister and brother were this wkend?? enough to drive you mad.

Yep im the bitch and the baddie this family are soooooooo going to have to wake up when i leave here.

Hope everyone is good! Emjo i hear ya with the storage once you start there will be something else she wants!
Jen welcome! youve come to the right place everyone on here has thier heads screwed on its the FAMILY that are nuts!!! I must be the only normal one in my family so thats pretty lonely!!

Emjo, I must apologise immediately - I certainly, as you say, did NOT mean to sound angry at you! Outraged, possibly. It's outrageous that you end up out of pocket! But, yes, as you also say, whatever system works well for you.

Humph. I hope you get every penny back, that's all I can say (grumpy, not angry).

Kazz, this happens in my family too. TS#1 will call and Mom will start going on about something. Rather than trying to redirect, #1, will feed her delusions. TS#1 stayed a weekend a couple of months ago, and of course, everything went fine and they had a wonderful time! HMMPH! When these things happen, yes, #1 is feeding Mom's bad feelings about me in that moment, but it is #1's way to relieve her guilt for not being more involved. And Mom, forgets these conversations quickly.

It may help to just let them have their conversations. If you have the equivilent of Adult Protective Services I would have them come an do an evaluation. You should definitely consider a Geriatric Care Manager, then you will have an impartial third party to help with the situation. They will prepare reports and document your excellent care of your Mum.

I cannot imagine 10 days off. That would be wonderful. I hope you had fun and did some things very good for you!

Sharynmarie,

Oh! She's absolutely adorable. I do wish we could share the pictures.
The best way I can describe her, is she looks like a little smurf, in that little body suit babies wear ( is that what they're called? ). I'll bet Ethan and Logan are real handsome! What a sweet picture you told about your son-in-law, and daughter the way they are handling the first moments of being parents, taking turns with their shifts.

Hope your arm situation is calming down, too. I woke up today, and I felt like I was itching. I had to think about everything I ate yesterday, because sometimes I have been allergic to this, that and the other. But then it went away.
I did overdo the sun thing a day ago, I Feng Shued some plants that needed a hair cut. Maybe that irritated my skin, maybe some of the debris that was flying as I cut, cut, cut. It was cathartic, so I loved it! HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

After my post I lost it.. literally. When my son told me he wanted me dead again and hed kill me, I told him go ahead. Im blamed for everything from almost everyone and just am mentally and almost physically done. The list of caregiver burnout, Yeah I checked ALL of them off. I love helping people but not when I get beat down.

Almost a good day today then BAM!!! Grandpas old caregiver who was paid to take him to an appt had to leave him there counting on my dad getting him who is on the other side of town messing with papers for heart surgery for a defibrillator/pacemaker in the morning( grandpa says thats not heart surgery)( the person she cares for was throwing up and very ill and had to go to the hospital she said). So my dad rushed home to get him picked up and dropped off. Luckily they didnt admit dad today. Im not driving right now but besides that we only have one car to use. Add when grandpa went to E.R. Friday the old caretaker took him and grandpa said for HER to make the appt for this week for a followup from that for his legs. She has to take him because again, my dad will be in the hospital and isnt suppose to drive until 2 weeks. Hes mad about his appts being in the 2 weeks dad cant drive and he has to pay someone. Well, I know hes trying to save as he says for us but he needs to worry about him! Use it on rides and clothes and help for himself!!!! Im applying for a job tonight but mentally idk if I can do this, but mentally if I dont there's only one direction I will go. But we dont know if she made it and he said meanly" whos my caretaker you are" Ummm,,,, Yes, but Im not suppose to be 24/7!!! I know Im family but when I cant take him and dont know her schedule and he said for her to call then denies it! He keeps calling yelling at us saying he has no one to take him( he wont hire permanent people to take him!!!) and that he has to be there Friday well yes a followup that someone schedules an appt with but again....Well dad said he will cancel his heart surgery so he can get grandpa to his appt and grandpa hung up on him! I mean omg!

Lets add my sis is coming home supposedly tomorrow and her room isnt ready which is actually my room which is a storage room at the minute since Im at grandpas. Add one of my friends kinda family in law, is having serious issues in her life, my kids are fighting, no job and I got my flu shot and it makes me soo tired but yet I have so much to do!!!

I love you all and hope you all are doing well, I been reading and I hope everyones health issues, moms, dads, etc get better. Sorry about all your family issues for those who are having them...

Jen813,

Welcome to our thread.
Many of us here with a very similar background, of the responsible child,
and mother/father favoring the others. I have the very same dynamics in my family. This sounds like a very interesting book.

O.K., do come back and join us, it's a great community.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

*** oh I after I said go ahead to me son he just just uh and I went to my room and just cried my eyes out. For 2 days I told my dad to care for everyone I can, I could barely get out of bed. It was h*ll trying to get to my grandpas I was so out of it. I begged over and over quitly "please dont need me please dont need me please dont need me" I told my friends to stay out of my life as well as other so called neighbors and family members because not only what good are some of them what good am I? Well, I dont know where Im at, Im just a zombie I feel like its takes every effort to get up and force myself to do anything. .... So much more drama happened but I said enough

***oops Im still messed up... sorry bout spelling

My father stopped taking his blood pressure medication within the past few days because he ran out. I've asked him several times to please mention to me if he is running low on a medication (and I also do check the bottles and his pill case but I missed it) and I will order more, but so far I've not been successful in keeping him from running out of meds on occasion or he just simply doesn't take them as prescribed at times, too. So dad's home nurse was here this eve and realizes he has stopped taking the BP meds. There are no refills in the VA prescription system due to some sort of entry error and a call to the pharmacy was no help. Home nurse tells me to take my father into the city to go to main VA facility ER to get BP meds. This was around 5-6pm this evening and I agree that I'll be taking my dad up to the ER. But after home nurse leaves, my father and I get into argument (he was grouchy all day, was rude and yelled at me in front of home nurse, and has just been an angry dude for few days now) and he goes into his room, locks the door, and turns out the lights. :-/

I guess I'll try to take him into the ER tomorrow for the needed meds. His BP was 187/96 and I am definitely concerned for him, but he has these days where he is so ornery and it's too much to take on those days that I am a slave to his needs and also his object to verbally abuse. I think more and more all the time about leaving here. The home nurse said that my father needs more oversight, that weekly home nurse visits are needed. I agree 100%! I've been trying to tell my father's PCP docs this for years but they don't get it that he is actually posing some danger to himself and doesn't seem to be able to complete the tasks of taking his meds as directed, using his inhaler, changing his catheter bag, keeping the cath clean, etc. He either doesn't care or his basic medical responsibilities are too confusing to him and I've never really decided which is the case - maybe a bit of both. This is a man with a bad, phlegmy cough, a COPD diagnosis, and still smokes daily after countless warnings from nurses and doctors that continuing to smoke will dramatically shorten his life.

Talked to my ex boyfriend (on and off 12 yr relationship) tonight for awhile about what I am going to do. What my options are, what are some ideas for a plan... He is one of the most level headed people I've ever known and I'm grateful that he remains a friend. And anyway, the only thing we concluded after an hour of talking about different possibilities is that I need to get my hair done and take a train into the city and take myself to lunch. :-) He's right. I'm completely falling into the abyss of giving up because my daily existence is frustrating and I have no answers for the future. The best thing I can do right now is to invest in feeling positive and good about myself again and then I can figure a workable plan. That's the idea, anyway.

Rambling thoughts. It's good to be posting. Big hugs to all.

Welcome, Jen813. Your posts inspired me to get on Amazon and order the book you mentioned, plus a few more about caregiving, all used paperbacks that were only about $4 each. Who knows if I'll actually read them, but I would like to skim them for information and see if they might be helpful to me in my situation. So thanks for providing the catalyst for that. :-)