The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Allison, I apologize if I am repetitive. Does the VA have a department that will check on patient welfare and appropriateness of remaining in the home as opposed to a facility? Had you said that you had Dad added to list for the facility? Remember, at ER today you can leave him there telling them he is not a cooperative patient and due to that can no longer provide the needed care.

I am so relieved that my Mom, for the most part is cooperative. If she weren't she would have to be in a facility as, especially in my sacked out family, would possibly be reported to APS for neglect or some such.

Took Mom to her doc today and it was a good visit. I was astounded when the doc said to me that it is her job to also take care of me. Make sure I get the help and support from the doc that I need. Mom's guardian has said the same thing. They both see that Mom is receiving excellent care and doing as well as can be expected while she lives with this wretched disease.

I guess the lesson of the day for me was that all other people involved in Mom's care also are concerned about my health and welfare. And I am so appreciative of what they all do! The situation with the twisted sisters is still one of animosity and suspicion and indifference toward my relationships with them they have put me through he!! For nearly three years now. But the team that we have put together to make sure my Mom has excellent care is a wonderful, caring group of people with a common goal. Twisted ones be DA!!Ed.

Glad,

Thank you so much for the hug. But it's my duty to inform you that I posted that I'm a great aunt, not a grandma. I don't have kids. This sister's daughter's baby.
Currently, my niece, the husband and well now its 3 little babies.....have moved in again with my sister and mom. My niece and her husband are having some major repairs done to a house they rent from my sister. They do live rather far, so I haven't been there to see the new baby. Only have seen her on some email pictures. I'm wondering how my mom is handling all of the activity in her household right now, though. My sister always says, that the babies give mom something to do, and she does like watching and engaging some.
But I have been there recently, only 2 wks., ago......and after I heard the one yr. old crying, and the two yr. old giving the sitter a time because he didn't want to nap, it frazzled my nerves just hearing all this noise. Now there's the new baby! Hey,
but they are all adorable.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I'm a bit frazzled with all that is going on here. Congrats, great auntie!

Kaazaa,

This is quite terrible what your mother is saying about you, and talking behind your back, your sister too! On the one hand I am glad she's out of the hospital then on the other hand......well you get my drift. It isn't easy when siblings hide, and really don't communicate, instead take to positioning themselves.

You sound really fed up, Kaazaa. Maybe you have to start to think about other arrangements, whatever that would be.

I hope you had a good time being away from this.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

thanks margeaux! mum is so two faced but i dont care about her shes not right in the head its siblings talking about me behind my back that i find disgusting! I spoke to a woman recently whose mum had Vas.Dementia she said once the shrinks get involved your siblings wont know what hit them! So i will have great pleasure when that happens.

So far so good with mum (putty in my hands) but ive been here before too many times in fact. Shes all sweetness and passive when she gets out of hospital THEN POW! back screaming and shouting and controlling me!

Mum is now back and still not taking her meds properly?? i havnt seen this nurse yet? shes supposed to call 3 times a wk? so when i get hold of her ill ask her what she thinks the solution here is? what i want is a psychiatric nurse in here to monitor mums behaviour i think we are done with general nurses who just listen to mums crap i think they really know nothing about dementia.

when i went to visit mum in hospital last wednesday she was moved to a room with one other patient.........mum told me the old lady beside her had dementia and was wrecking mums head!!!! LOL anyway mum told me that two nurses kept coming in and were getting pissed off with the old lady and mum heard them say "id love to put a pillow over her head". An absolute disgrace i will be contacting the hospital to find out who these nurses are and have them spoken to. I mean that will be my mum one day and if i ever heard of anyone saying things like that i would hit the roof!

I think more training has to be done by general docs and nurses in how to care for dementia patients its just not right to speak of another human being in this way and i will be kicking up a stink about this. Mum is turning into a liar regards me but i know shes only doing it so siblings wont see her madness BUT mum would NOT lie about these nurses so i will find out who they were and what was said that night!

I just soldier on until mums next outburst! she dosnt look well and seems alot more confused than usual but i knew this would happen the more hypos she has the worse shes going to get.

I will feel better when ive spoken to a shrink im done with docs and nurses who refuse to speak to me like im nothing. I will ask this nurse when she arrives why she refuses to speak to me AND remind her that mum would be dead if i wasnt here and to show me some respect OR do not call here again.

The level of care here is getting scary the nurses in the hospital were quite snappy and rude "florence nightingale" would turn in her grave!! Also some nurse told mum she hated being a nurse????? honestly why do a job you hate? and how dare she tell the patients this?
Yep look after yourselves and dont get sick as its seems some nurses dont have a vocation to caring for some its just a job and thats so wrong!

I did have a good time away from mum for almost ten days but have to say it took almost a week to try and relax and really switch off!

mums due into respite in Oct so i wll have to get nurse to try and make her go in or i wont get a break until xmas now.

Like alot here im dreading another xmas here with siblings so am hoping i have some money to get away from them all. Im finding it harder and harder to be civil to them they have zero respect for me OR my life and where my future is headed? who would have thought your own flesh and blood could turn out to be so selfish i may write a book when this is all over just about siblings i am sure ill come up with a good name!!

Hey i think ive come up with a title for my book " Flesh and Bad Blood"!!! LOL

Kazzaa???

First this:
i think we are done with general nurses who just listen to mums crap i think they really know nothing about dementia.

Then this:
when i went to visit mum in hospital last wednesday she was moved to a room with one other patient.........mum told me the old lady beside her had dementia and was wrecking mums head!!!! LOL anyway mum told me that two nurses kept coming in and were getting pissed off with the old lady and mum heard them say "id love to put a pillow over her head". An absolute disgrace i will be contacting the hospital to find out who these nurses are and have them spoken to. I mean that will be my mum one day and if i ever heard of anyone saying things like that i would hit the roof!

I'm not criticising, honest, I'm hooting with laughter. What happened to not listening to mum's crap, then, eh?

More seriously, obviously if such a comment were made, whether in your mother's hearing or not, then yes certainly it does merit being reported. Be careful who you tell and how, though.

CM whats even funnier is mum said " well i cant blame the nurses i would have done it" HAH now thats FUNNY!! yeh mum said she was annoying!!!!!! oh LOL! No CM i know mum and i believe her! Mum only lies about me to hide her illness from docs and siblings shes not a liar by nature and when you know her as well as i do i can tell when shes lying and when shes not. I confronted her about me telling her she had dementia and she went bright RED and changed the subject quickly SO i have a gut feeling that my brother has said something to her OR someone in the hospital so am determined to get to the bottom of this. I mean is it possible for a professional to tell a patient "oh youre daughter says you have dementia?" wouldnt surprise me but i need to know if its my brother then hes in need of help and im out of here! If brother dosnt think mum has dementia then im waisting my time here as i dont want him near here patronising me!
Dont you just love family!

Hello I'm new to this forum and hope I'm doing this correct. By that I mean adding my dysfunctional family story in this thread. Wasn't for sure if I needed to start a new thread. Please forgive me if I should have. My mother is 72 and has early to moderate dementia. She has problems with memory loss, confusion, thinking, and reasoning. My father passed away 4 years ago. I know she has a great deal of depression. I am a RN. I love my mother very much. I have 3 siblings. One sister is a drug addict, One sister has 4 children and drug addicted husband but are very wealthy. One sibling is a brother that is a major drug addict and lives next door to her. He goes to her house daily for money. He has stolen her debit card and took her balance to zero. He has always been taken care of from mom and dad. He's 39. He has two children. His girlfriend is the mother of his two children and is a drug addict too. I'm trying to give you the whole scenario. First I want to say I have zero bone of jealousy in me. I know it's hard to judge comments based on the true heart of the commenter. I know mom and dad have made my brother what he is from enabling him all his life. I'm mom's POA and pay her bills monthly. She has gone through over $200,000 in four years and only has 45,000 left in her trust. Every time she asked for another withdrawal of $5000-$10000 I worry. I worry for her future. I don't care if she has a penny left after she dies but do care if she has money to last while she alive so she can enjoy life. I took mt brothers $800 electric bill out of her name last month and put it in my brothers name which he is threatening to hurt or kill me. I did have her get a new debit card and had her change the pin number. My brother and sister that are drug addicts have so much anger and jealously toward me they threaten me all the time. I told mom not to worry because God is in control; but she calls me to tell me what they say along with the message of threats. I won't back down from doing what's best for mom. I should say my mom does have enough sanity still to make the right choices but wants to make every child happy so she says anything that makes that child happy at the time but is not true in what she says. She wants to sell her house but the house my brother lives in is on the property and needs torn down before mom can list her house because of the depreciation his (her) house brings to her main house. He threatens her and me if moms house goes up for sale. I'm just so confused in knowing and doing what's best for her. As I write this something just dawned on me. Even though she does have dementia. She won't let the doctors put it in her chart because she fears the children will do something to her if she's given that diagnosis. So, she won't take medication for dementia. She wants to but she's afraid of losing control. As a daughter who wants what is best for her. What should I do? She has me pay all of bills. She tells me what to do like taking my brother's electric bill out of her name but then fears and want tell them the truth but puts the blame on me. Confused and Delerius. ..

Tracey too right your mother is (or at least was) still capable of making some good choices. That's why she gave you POA and not any of your siblings.

So she has a house which she owns, $45K in trust, and what kind of regular income? Get to a specialist elder care attorney now and get her money and her income tied up tight. Then find a safe place for her where you can visit her easily, see she's well taken care of, and above all where there are always other people around and, as a matter of routine, supervision and security. After that, if you still want to, you can give some thought to your siblings and their families and their relationships with their mother/grandmother. This nonsense about her being afraid to accept diagnosis and treatment for fear that her kids will - what? Have her gagged, bound and dragged off to a padded cell? Pshaw! That's why you've got POA, remember? - well, that's the kind of thing that will enable you to go to the nice judge, explain that your mother has now lost capacity, and use your POA to take charge.

Threats, menaces, etc. - straight to the police. You have a vulnerable adult in your care, remember? You can't afford to mess about.

So, to recap:

1. Ask trustworthy people such as your mother's GP, your local APS, friends with elderly relatives to recommend the right kind of specialist legal advice.
2. Call APS and get your mother's situation on record. It'll make them wake up quicker if they're ever needed.

Oh, and stop withdrawing large amounts of cash. Are you pretending you don't know what she needs it for?

Of all the physical caregiving tasks I've done over the years, nothing has worn me out so completely as the emotional struggle with my mom. I've had to accept that she will fall because she is not compliant or prudent. I've accepted that I can't feel guilty for health issues going undetected if she refuses to even acknowledge any age related issue. I've accepted that my sister and I have done absolutely all that we can for her. But her absolute denial of any health issues whatsoever and insistence that she can do everything she used to do, well, it's making seeing to her care very difficult. She's become so nasty, she's now hitting me with her litany in front of my kids, trying to pull them into the drama. I'd really like to resign as daughter.

Thank you so much for the direct advice. I love it. Okay..let me asked this? Mom fears the dementia record because she wants to spend her money the way she wants to. Now, you're asking me to do what she fears. My father always controlled her and she's like a rebellious teenager. She states she can do what she wants...I'll become her enemy in her mind. She gets $4400 a month. $1200 of that is from the trust. Which is dwindling away, so after that she will receive $3400/mo. Mom does own 166 acres of farm land too. So there is expenses she occurs because of the farm; so she always comes to me like yesterday and says I need $5000 because I have to pay for the house being painted and they delivered $1800 worth of propane. So she has good reasons to request more money but she would have money saved monthly if she would save. Mom eats out a lot and if anyone that goes with her she refuses to let me pay or anyone else.. I want to pay but she starts screaming and making a scene. Please advise? We go out every Friday...I think I try to ignore the problems and make her happy but it's not what's best.

Tracy and Linda~My sis I went through so much stress back in 2012 as the Alz was progressing and mom was still competent, living alone. I live 5 minutes drive from mom's house, was over there often. She needed more help but refused to let sis and I help...well...because we are her children, she is the mother and mother knows best.....not when Alz is the issue. She accused us of trying to get control of her money and house, she tried cancelling her long term care policy several times (we managed to keep the policy going after finding out it had a 30 lapse period). She told friends sis and I were trying to take over...steal her money, etc...she hid financial files couldn't remember where they were and accused us of stealing them

We knew all this was because of the Alz even though there were other issue of mental illness. Instead of letting my mother upset me, I turned it around and showed her sympathy, agreeing with her and developing her trust by saying that she was not crazy that I lose things and misplace them all the time...no big deal mom, we will look together and find it.

The biggest problem was we could not do anything to protect our mother regarding her assets because she had the DPOA written as a springing type...we could not activate it until she was diagnosed as mentally incapacitated.

I agree that seeing an elder law attorney to tie up her money so siblings cannot stake their claim and they just have to wait until the end with what is left. Mom's money is for mom's care only.

Linda22, yes, the emotional struggle, when my dad isn't feeling good and feels like targeting me for some anger release, those times are the hardest.

We got new blood pressure pills today for my father, but I realized that the VA has still not put in an Rx into their system so that I can reorder. I'll have to make some phone calls to find out why they aren't putting refills on a medicine he needs to keep taking! I'm frustrated with "the system" today. But, my dad has a month of BP meds, and I'm very thankful.

Glad, my dad's home nurse through VA has just realized what level of potential danger-to-self my dad is at. She told me she would be speaking to the VA docs about getting approved for weekly visits. Right now, it's just once a month to change the catheter. I hope she is able to get approved for the once-a-week.

Hugs! Happy Tuesday!

Great, Allison, I hope it helps your dad and YOU!

Wow, Tracy, you have got a task on your hands.

I could ask what on earth possessed you to accept POA! - but that's like saying "I wouldn't start from here…"

Ok. You did accept POA. I hope that process included the layman's guide to what the responsibilities involved are, exactly. (By the way, you are free to resign if you want to. Always do bear in mind that you have a choice about whether or not you stay involved.)

So. Do you, in your own mind, believe that your mother still has mental capacity in the legal sense? Is she ignoring the consequences of her financial mismanagement, or is she incapable of understanding them? It kind of sounds as if she's being irresponsible rather than irrational, would you agree? In which case you can do very little. As long as she has capacity, she is in charge of her money. If she ****s it up, it's her problem; and all you can do is stick around to clear up the mess afterwards. Depressing but so.

What else can you do. Well. She can do what she likes with her money, is her view; ok, true. She can. What she also needs to think about, then, is what she is going to do with NO money. Which is going to happen sooner than later if she carries on as is. How about, for example, if you do her a nice clear spreadsheet showing how much she's spending, how much is coming in, and how fast her funds will run dry.

The other thing you could do, I guess, is draw up a proposed budget; one that, ideally, offers a comfortable compromise between her current habits and financial realities. And, ideally, one with an eye to her future living and care needs.

Crumbs, my sister would laugh herself sick if she knew I were typing words on financial planning… But at least your mother does have the raw material to make a start on ensuring her own security. For now anyway!

So to sum up, I guess you reassure your mother that you accept she is in charge of her decisions, and then point out that she has made you responsible for supporting her in that and you are doing what she has asked you to do - looking ahead and warning her of oncoming trains.

If you're sure of the signs of dementia, though, it does become a different story (or it soon will). Are you going to be able to harden your heart and your nose and do the necessary - protecting your mother's best interests, rather than indulging her whims?

CM you are giving good advice in a nice manner

Thank you Austin, how nice of you to say so! However I have just noticed that I refer to compromising with reality. ??? There is, of course, NO compromising with reality. I have no idea what I was thinking, to have said that. Reality wins every time. Tracy, apologies, I'm sure you get what I was getting at.

I have to say that if the early people who responded to me on this site had not been plain as day about mom's situation and what I had to do, things would have been a total shambles. I really appreciated the direct approach. And also knowing that I didn't have to invent solutions from nothing. I think a lot of people feel immediate overwhelm by not knowing what's out there, and fretting they have to create solutions by themselves.

Heck, I learned that all social workers don't all work for the county. I had no idea social workers are in the employ of all kinds of companies.

Tracy~Cm gives you good advice. It does appear to be a trust issue which is normal with dementia.We were lucky because the businesses here knew mom was struggling so they worked with us even though it is a no no. I can only add for you to try to find some way to gain your mothers trust. Blessings to you!

Kazza~I am glad your mother is home but now...you are back into the thick of it all. Sibs are difficult and it is so much more difficult for you as the caregiver when they are talking behind your back in a bad way. I agree with what Glad told you that you have to let it go...eventually it will all come out and your sibs may never acknowledge you...but you are doing what it is right for you and your mother. The naysayers will be known to all in time. Hang in there.

Allison, it was very hurtful and tough when my dad would lash out with the dementia. He had been the kindest, gentle man prior to illness. But with Dad, I was better able to handle it because I knew it was the dang illness. And we were able to care for him as needed. With Mom, there's no dementia, just her normal behavior that makes her lash out when things are the way she thinks they should be. I've set boundaries, disengaged, gone low contact. I think one of my great fears is that she is so convinced there's nothing wrong with her that she will try to check herself out of the NH.

Awe, I just joined this thread yesterday. I feel so loved...Hugs to you all. I always have trouble being the strict person; especially the enabling, wonder where it get that? LOL. I'm new to this stage of life with my mother. I have always been there for my mother and father since I've been a teenager, and I'm 49 now. They always pulled me into their problems and asked for me to take care of them and then they would "say no thank you" and I always seem to get the bad end of the stick. I stay hardened for a few days from the hurt and then mom calls and says she misses me and I'm back there. Church Mouse I understand what you are saying. Absolutely, I guess I don't understand where the cutoff line should be. How bad does her dementia need to get? I'd rather her be able to think on her own and act responsible until she's gone. I'm sure you all feel this way. I did call her GP today and requested a private conference with him before moms next appointment on September 29. I want to let him know of moms actions and mental status since last visit. I want him to try a new medication for dementia and see if we see any improvements. I spoke with mom last night and I told her about me joining this support group on how to help your elderly parents and do what's best for them. I asked her the question "mom if you saw your mother doing something that wasn't the best for her; would you have told her and would you have stopped her from doing what would hurt her in the long run?" She said...If it didn't have anything to do with causing her pain or loss of anything. I said who took your mother's car from her when she needed that done? she said my sisters...That hurt my mother so much..You wouldn't do that to me would you? Maybe, like Kazza said things will be known in time...It scares me though..I feel I'm going to turn out to be the bad one again...I pray God intervenes with a miracle...I'm a patient advocate but I had no idea how to even understand or where to begin with these situations. I'm a love giver. I hate family conflict...Sandwich42..I do understand what you're saying about the direct information. I believe with the information I've received from this forum already has allowed me to start moving ahead in a positive manner. 1. I called the GP today for a private meeting. 2. I'm purchasing Quicken to do a spreadsheet for mom's monthly expenditures; so she can see assets, debits, and overall projections. Thanks to all...

Churchmouse, You asked these questions. Is she ignoring the consequences of her financial mismanagement, or is she incapable of understanding them? Mom seems to get it when you tell her and then two minutes later she doesn't remember what you just told her and she gets lost in the reasoning of the situation. For example she is under $168 in the bank right now. She thinks it's okay to float money. I told her this is illegal and she says the bank knows my money will be in on the 20th. ....I said mom..I wish it worked like that but that's illegal. It's like writing bad checks. she said, No they pay everything that comes through.... It kind of sounds as if she's being irresponsible rather than irrational, would you agree? Yes, she is very irresponsible...It's very complex. She can sound so with it and in the next few minutes she's totally lost.

Tracy~It sounds like your mother is either mentally incapacitated or close to it. If your DPOA is not a springing type, then you can start taking over her financial by doing it slowly. Present your copy of the DPOA to the said businesses and banks and change the address so it is sent to you or set it up online. By doing it slowly, your mother will probably not notice. Good luck!!

Margeaux~ I so love children and even wanted to be a preschool teacher....alas, the requirements have been change and require a BA degree...at my age...when I was pursuing it, meant student loans I did not want to have to pay. So... I work in bakery/deli.....which I do like especially at the store I am at now because....we actually have customers, LOL!!

A lot of emotions going on for me right now. Yesterday was very busy starting with picking up pics of the babies to send to relatives back East. I stopped by my friends business to show her the pics and catch up with her. Then I met up with my sis and brother having lunch with my mom. We decided to cancel the podiatrist that comes to the facility every 3 months is not often enough for my mom's callus issues. We will take her to the local podiatrist every 6 weeks. No point in her being uncomfortable just for our convenience.

My brother updated us on our niece....she is doing well, having chemo for 8 weeks and 2 weeks off. She seems to be tolerating it well. Bro is building a work shed in his backyard, equipped with a vacuum system so he can do his wood working hobby. This will be good for his lungs plus a/c.

Mom is doing as good as can be expected. She does not know my children, showing her pics of the babies,....she thought they were my babies. Par for the course of Alz. We grieve the loss all along as they progress, It does hurt all of us that she does not remember our children.

Today just as busy, Midget had a spa day, I had other appts. Got eye exam, ordered new updated lenses and frames. 2 weeks to get the new glasses,,,hanging in there until then. {{{{Hugs}}}} to everyone.

sharynmarie, I do have the springing one that goes into effect once she becomes mentally incapacitated. I just don't know how to determine when she's determined mentally incapacitated and whose suppose to determine she is. Sorry, I may sound dumb...I do have a degree in nursing and I know how to assess patients but they usually are over the line either they are not, intermittent, way over....lol

Mom's bank does interact with me now and they have me down for POA but the Trust man told me when he came down to visit with mom and I was there I was POA once she became mentally incapacitated.

Tracy~Make an appointment with a neurologist. She/he will do tests to determine your mothers mental capabilities. Be sure to tell her/him that you need a written statement to present to your mother's attorney so he/she can put the paper work through legally naming you as the person who is the primary on your mother's DPOA. This will put your mother's trust and assets in your name as the executor of your mother's trust and assets. Hopefully, your mother did not split responsibilities between you and another sib. We all have had to get this info from other sources because your mother's attorney cannot legally share it with you...his/her purpose is to protect your mother. Once you have written documentation from a neurologist...the attorney should respect that and work with you. Let us know how it all progresses so we can continue to support you. Big Hugs...it is a difficult situation to work through!!